BLAME IT ALL ON MADONNA

By Miguel Paolo Celestial

Published WestEast Men Spring/Summer 2009

Celebrity divorces come and go, some more memorable than others because of
the size of settlements involved. But none has thus far earned as much tabloid
coverage as the divorce of pop idol Madonna and film director Guy Ritchie. With
them, it’s not just about the amount of money and the fact that a woman’s
dispensing it, but the extent of discussion that has erupted around the couple.
Below is a fictional line-up of the most controversial topics inspired by the split-
up—from the point of view of Guy Ritchie’s fans.

Rock and roll her over

Don’t believe a word the crackpot critics say. Guy Ritchie is the bomb and the
best thing that’s happened to British cinema. Crashed it and put some oomph
and kick into it. ‘Tis a shame they decided not to do a sequel on his gangsta flick
RocknRolla, no matter how similar they claim it is to his Lock, Stock, and Two
Smoking Barrels and Snatch. I dun’ care. No money, they say, tsk tsk. But why in
heaven’s sake did Guy put his name on such crap as Swept Away? A gift to her
royal Madge? Did she threaten him? Gimme a break. High school actors can pull
it off better than her. RocknRolla2 any day. Poor Guy. I doubt his new millions
are worth the dent in his career.
- Ashton Martin

A-rod not A-ok

Oh just tell me. How could she do it? Rub not just salt but friggin’ chili peppers
into the wound. How callous can you get to let your kid wear a New York
Yankees t-shirt when everybody knows you’re doing A-rod, aka Alex Rodriguez,
who is a slugger for the team, right smack in the middle of your divorce
proceedings? Doesn’t she have a heart? Such a wretched thing to do to poor old
Guy. He has suffered long enough. And Rocco! Sure, the boy may enjoy
baseball more than cinema, but I don’t think Madonna’s helping the child cope by
thrusting him under the influence of another “father figure” without even asking
his real dad.
- Desperate Susie

Dig for more

Whoa! Fifty million pounds for eight years of bearing with her. I’m actually not
sure if the deal’s really as sticky and sweet. I mean, sure, Guy must have loved
Madge when they married, but look at the crazy hell he’s had to put up with.
Sorry, but I don’t find it offensive to say serves her right. For once, it’s the man
who benefits from a failed marriage! She should leave him in peace with his
London pub and 1,200-acre Wiltshire estate. Geez, I think Guy deserves even
more!
- Chauvinist Bill

Sinewy not sexy

I’ve had it up to here with this so-called feminist Madonna defense. I’ve been a
woman for more than half a century, and I’ve never admired her, would never talk
about her life to any of my daughters or granddaughters. She just doesn’t get it.
It’s one thing to turn the tables on men and achieve the same ambitions, or even
top them, but it’s another to actually look like them. Sigh, what lengths women
have gone to to demean themselves. Her children deserve a better role model
and Guy deserves more than an unbending queen.
- Porgy-less Bess

Madonna’s twelve commandments

Pity her children! Not even prison camps have rules like hers. And just for a visit
to Guy Ritchie, their very own father!

Under no circumstances should they read newspapers, magazines, or be

allowed to watch TV or DVDs. Maybe she wants them strapped to the couch
watching nothing but her music videos. Not to mention her movies!

They must adhere at all times to a macrobiotic, vegetarian, organic diet with no
processed or refined food. I’m no ignorant mother, and I know the benefits of
these types of food, but which planet does she want her sons to live in? At least
let them sample what’s not good for them before she absolutely forbids them. It’s
not as if they’ll suddenly get nightmares. Attack of the carcinogenic hamburger!

They should wear the clothes Madonna has sent with them on the flight. If they
need to be bought anything, they should not contain man-made fibers. Maybe
she wanted them all in mink.

Their hands should be regularly cleaned with disinfectant spray if they are in
public places. Maybe the kids should also bring sprays to disinfect the germs
from their friends! Oh wait, Madonna’s “protectiveness” has prevented them from
having any!

Madonna should have phone contact with the boys as much as three to four
times a day at times set by her. Just to check up on them if they themselves have
broken any of her rules. Madonna doesn’t trust the nanny, especially not Guy!
The boys should not be photographed while with Guy. It is his responsibility to
organize security so that does not happen. I suppose she expects security to
have paper bags always handy to cover the boys’ identities.

At bedtime, Guy should read David the English Rose books Madonna wrote. So
that David grows up exactly like her mother: a girl with muscles!
- Indignant Brenda

Reunited, it’s understood

Did you see how Rocco ran into his father’s arms at the airport? As if he were
relieved of such a big burden. Who’s heart wouldn’t melt to hear the kid yelp as if
something chasing him had just turned around? Makes you think twice about the
usual prejudice involved in deciding children’s custody.
- Fair Al

You’ll never know

I bet there was a security man involved, what with Madonna’s Carlos Leon track
record.
- Pretty Spears

Thunk again

Maybe Madge needs to attend come classes under Guy’s mum, Lady Amber
Leighton, who runs a finishing school, to fix her accent. Nobody should be
allowed to get away with "Who would have thunk it?" no matter how much they
have in the bank.
- Lady Lala