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Relationships
The history of interactions
A relationship is the history of interactions between two or more people. Relationships are based on reciprocitymutual exchange. Although each relationship has many features that define it, one pervasive characteristic is the level of symmetry of the exchanges. A relationship is either symmetrical and peerbased, or it is asymmetrical and power-based. In a peer based relationship each person regards the others as their equal. In a power based relationship, one person is in the one-up position, the position of power, and the other is in the one-down submissive position. This ranking may be well know and accepted, it may be disputed by the people in the relationship, the actual ranking may be inverted from the apparent or expected ranking, or it may be unknown to the people in the relationship.
Relationship Status
A relationship exists whenever two people meet or communicate. This relationship can have a wide variety of characteristics, which we call the relationship status. The tone of communication contributes to the relationship status, and of course the relationship status contributes to the tone of communication. Various possible dimensions of the relationship, and extremes establishing each pole, are listed in the following table:
Dimension
Pole (Favorable)
Blend
Pole (Difficult)
Many Doubtful, pessimistic Long History together, many shared experiences One time only
Motivation
Voluntary (Autonomy)
Fear (Coercion)
Trust
High Trust
Distrust
Goals
Shared, compatible
Divergent
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Many core values are shared Friendly, helpful Cooperative Flexible, pliable, adaptable
Many value differences Unfriendly, disagreeable, antagonistic Uncooperative, rebellious, resentful stubborn, rigid, constrained
Calm
Agitated
Rational
Emotional
Allocation Strategy
win-win
win-lose
Resources Available
Scarcity Scarce, hurried, our time for this meeting is short. High
Simple
Complex
Open, sharing
Closed, secretive Disingenuous, insincere, pretentious, deceitful, avoidance. Low or unbalanced Exploitative, dishonest, manipulative, deceitful, tricky A depends heavily on B A is the expert, B is the student Chaotic, unpredictable, turbulent Discordant Distant
Authenticity Literacy, education, intelligence. Integrity, conscientiousness Dependencies (power related) Knowledge Base Organization Style Chemistry Closeness
Genuine, sincere, authentic High, similar, and balanced Honest, honorable, straight forward. Each is Self-reliant We share relevant domain knowledge Orderly, disciplined, managed Harmonious Intimate
Relationship Modes
Combinations of the various relationship states described above can occur in many recognizable patterns by stimulating limbic attractors. Popular names for these relationship modes include: frosty, in the dog house, estranged, close, antagonistic, warm, intimate, tumultuous, parent / child, teacher / student, adult, peer, healthy, strained, manipulative, platonic, dtente, poisoned, volatile, strained, abusive, and oppressive. Each of these terms informally refers to a constellation of particular relationship states. Mutual Relationships: Relationships can be primarily mutual, where the people are connected, work as peers, and benefit each other. In mutual relationships there is openness to influence, emotional availability, and a constantly
other. In mutual relationships there is openness to influence, emotional availability, and a constantly changing pattern of responding to and affecting the others state. Reciprocity is observed. Alternatively the relationship can be power-based where it serves to preserve a hierarchy, and reinforce the dominant and submissive stature of the members.
Emotional Makeup & Skills: Emotional Health, Anger Management, Quality of Self Conception, Mood Management, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Kindness, Autonomy vs. Closeness Family & Values: Feelings about children, Family background, Education, Spirituality, Traditionalism, Values Orientation
Quotations
We only fully trust a relation if it has survived occasional conflict ~ Frans De Waal At the heart of the difficulty in saying No is the tension between exercising your power and tending to your relationship ~ William Ury.
References:
Games People Play, by M.D. Eric Berne How to Use Power Phrases to Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say, & Get What You Want by Meryl Runion The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes , by William Ury Our Inner Ape , by Frans De Waal
Fear, Sadnes s , A nger, J oy, Surpris e, D is gus t, C ontempt, A nger, E nvy, J ealous y, Fright, A nxiety, G uilt, Shame, Relief, H ope, Sadnes s , D epres s ion, H appines s , P ride, L ove, G ratitude, C ompas s ion, A es thetic E xperienc e, J oy, D is tres s , H appy- for, Sorry- for, Res entment, G loating, P ride, Shame, A dmiration, Reproac h, L ove, H ate, H ope, Fear, Satis fac tion, Relief, Fears - c onfirmed, D is appointment, G ratific ation, G ratitude, A nger, Remors e, power, dominanc e, s tature, relations hips
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