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And suddenly there was with the Angel

A multitude of the heavenly host praising God,

And saying Glory to God in the highest,

And on earth peace, good will toward men.

~Luke 2:13-14

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TO MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS

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ONE

“Oh my god Franco shut up!”

He screamed again louder this time. I couldn't sleep and I was pissed, I haven't slept
in god knows how many nights now.

“You don’t understand!” Franco shouted in despair. “I need it!”

He wasn't shouting at me. He was shouting at the people outside the room --The
hallway watchers. Franco kept shouting and he begged God to please make the pain go away.
And then he screamed again, scared this time. He had been warned two times already. They
came inside the room. I closed my eyes knowing what was coming.

“No, No!” shouted Franco, his voice filled with terror. “I'll shut up, I’ll stop, I'm sor-”
A hard slap cut him off. And they dragged him out of bed, I opened my eyes too soon and I
met his pleading eyes just before the two big guys pulled him out the door.

“You're not even listening, are you?” I demanded looking at the ceiling.

I found Franco the next morning in the Cafeteria, weirdly, not smoking. “I'm not
eating that” I warned the woman sitting across from him. She had a big slice of pizza, well,
maybe it wasn't that big, but still, it was greasy pizza.

“Just this once,” Patricia said. She always said that. “I know you can do it” she
always said that too. I sat down next to Franco, his eyes were bloodshot and he had huge
shadows under his eyes. He looked at me with lazy eyes and half smiled an assuring smile.

“You should eat Alex” he told me after sipping his black coffee.

“I want that” I told Patricia pointing at his cup. “I want coffee,” she frowned. “Black.
No sugar. Thank you.”

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She laughed softly. “You can have coffee after you eat this” She pushed the plate
closer to me. “Okay?”

Jesus she was pushy. “Whatever” I said under my breath. I'd been vomiting ever since
I got here, because I stopped using. I ate the damn pizza. And I had my black coffee after that.

Franco and I walked out to the back of the Cafeteria. There were tables there in the
open. And there we smoked.

“I was fine by the way” he said suddenly. I looked at him, puzzled. I took a drag of
my second cigarette. “Last night, when they took me out of there” he explained. “I was fine.
You don't need to look at me like that” he added. I could not look at him differently. I could
still see the agony in his eyes if I closed my eyes. They took him to the white room. The one
with cushions in the walls, so he could scream all he wanted and nobody would listen. But he
was also alone there. And if I’ve learned anything since I met him was that Franco was
terrified of being alone. “I was fine” he repeated.

“I know” I lied. And he knew it. He had been an addict longer than I had.

He knew the rule: Addicts lie.

“Your hands are shaking” Franco noticed taking a long drag.

“Yeah they tend to do that” I tried to joke. But he didn't laugh. So, I changed the
subject. “I'll meet with you after lunch for the 'health' bull-conference-shit, right?”

He laughed now. “How can you know it'll be bullshit? It’s your first one”

“Are you saying it's not?” I asked narrowing my eyes at him as I inhaled.

“No” he simply said.

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Lunch. No caffeine there, but I could have diet Coke if I wanted. And I had three, and
a small salad. After telling Patricia I wasn't here because I didn't eat 'enough'. I was here
because of my heroin issue… And she desisted after telling me “I'll inform this to Dr. Hyatt”

Maybe I got myself into trouble for nothing but I wasn't anorexic or anything. I just
didn't feel like shoving food down my throat. That was not what I needed it. But Patricia didn't
seem to get that.

Franco was waiting for me outside the blue room. We called it that because, well, it
was blue but also because the blue room was a better name than the real one, the electroshock
room. Franco had Electroconvulsive therapy once every two weeks, for his schizophrenia. He
looked tired and a little disorientated. The effect of it. We walked in silence toward the
auditorium. And we sat down in the back, in the last row, it wasn’t crowded. I just really
didn’t want to be there. This was Franco's third 'health' conference. They had one every two
months for the new people, Franco didn't have to be here but he wanted to be with me because
this was my first conference. He had this sort of mania. He liked to be present in people's first
times.

“That's the man your parents paid to keep you here” Franco murmured in my ear
pointing discretely at the man standing behind the podium. A man in his late thirties, with a
distinguish moustache, and a presence that I hadn’t felt in years.

“His name is Richard Donnelly and he--”

“Mother” I interrupted.

“Beg your pardon?”

“My mother paid to that man to keep me here” I explained. “I don't have a father”

“Oh” said Franco. And before he could add anything the conference began. And it
was just what I expected. Photographs of damaged lungs, kidneys and livers were showed to

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us. The man --Mr. Richard Donne-whatever spoke about his brother’s experience with every
kind of drugs and how his death had inspired him to build this center. After that he welcomed
the new people --that included me.

“So, bullshit…?” Franco said as we walked out the door.

“I stand corrected” I said. We walked toward the room. We skipped the Friday Night
Live. Not having the mood to interact with the new people or any person really. Franco and I
could stand each other well. That was, if he wasn't screaming because of the withdrawal. He
had come back a day before I checked in. I, on the other hand reacted differently. I didn't
scream, I cried and had suicidal ideas. But Franco didn't know that. He thought I was handling
it well.

“So,” he said wanting to start casual conversation as we sat on the floor and prepared
the board of Chinese checkers. “Who's waiting for you?” he asked, his tone changed to
serious.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, when you get well, who would be waiting for you out there?” he pointed at
the window for a dramatic effect.

Ignoring the fact that I might not get well I answered, “My mother, I guess”

“Really. No friends? No boyfriend?” he insisted. I chose the black pieces and put
them in place, I kept looking down at the board.

“I don't have friends or boyfriend”

“I don't believe it!” he exclaimed, “What about your supplier or your needle bodies?
Weren’t they your friends?”

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“No,” I said firmly. “They only wanted money” I sighed, “As for my supplier, I
believe he's in hell now”

He looked up from the board and to my face, when he noticed I wasn't joking he
looked down again and said, “You go first.”

I won four of the six games and it was time to go to bed then. The room was small,
with twin beds, and a bathroom where more than two people could barely fit.

“I'll take a shower” I told him standing up, but then I hesitated for a second, “Will
you be okay?”

He yawned. “Perfect” he put the Chinese checkers game in the drawer. “Seriously,”
he said when he noticed I was still in the door of the bathroom. “I'll be down in less than five
minutes. I'm very tired and --you know, the effect” he shrugged. He told me yesterday that the
electroshock tired him a lot and he didn't go to bed right away this time. He went to the
conference with me and then we played. He must have been exhausted. Probably that's why I
won.

"All right, have sweet dreams" I said convinced and finally walked into the bathroom.

Slowly, I took off my clothes. There was a scary full body-length mirror in the wall.
Naked, I –reluctantly-- checked my body. I urgently needed a manicure and a pedicure. The
cuts I’d made were starting to heal. My arms and legs still had the mark of needles, and I had
several bruises. And two abscesses in the back of my left thigh but those were starting to
disappear. It hasn't even been a week, after all. And my face, damn, I had even bigger shadows
under my eyes than the ones Franco had this morning. My skin had no color whatsoever; I was
so skinny I could count my ribs. And my dark hair wasn't shiny. Ugly.

With a deep sigh I stepped into the shower, and let the cold water heal the inner pain,
at least for the minutes the shower lasted.

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Franco was sound asleep when I walked out the door. I had forgotten my clothes. So,
wrapped on a towel, I walked toward my luggage. I had some clothes still there since we just
had a very small closet, and he had demanded the space because he got here first. Men.

Confident enough Franco had his eyes closed and was long far dreaming, I lost the
towel and changed right there. Then I went to bed. And that was when things got ugly. I had
cold sweats, chills, and my leg muscles started to spasm, that is what we call kicking the habit.

I couldn’t stay in bed. I got up and stumbled to the bathroom feeling nauseous. After
the fourth time I'd gotten up, I decided to stay on the floor of the bathroom; the bed didn’t hold
any appeal. I waited for the vertigo and nausea feeling to stop. After it ceased (a little), I
started to swallow back tears and I did what I always did, I clenched my nails in my wrists. If I
hurt myself just a little, I could stop crying. It always worked. My breathing steadied and I
walked back to bed. And without Franco's screams tonight, very slowly I fell asleep.

The sound of water running awoke me the next morning. Just a couple of hours had
passed since I went to bed. Franco was up and taking a shower. I rolled out of bed and opened
the window; there was no need in trying to sleep again. Besides, I needed a cigarette. He
walked out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist, drops of
water still running down his chest.

“You like?” he asked with a sexy smile, one I didn’t often see. I was staring at his
chest, at his arms in disbelief. He was in a very good shape. I never thought I'd found
something like that under his clothes. I looked away.

“You wish,” I said and turned fully to the open window exhaling the smoke.

He chuckled, “I forgot my clothes” he said walking toward the closet. “That seems to
be happening lately, huh?” he said before walking into the bathroom again.

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We parted our ways. I had an appointment with Dr. Hyatt. Thanks to Patricia.

“You have a problem,” he started. “The sooner you accept it; the sooner you'll get
better”

“I have several problems,” I said, “But I do eat”

“Not enough,” he insisted.

“I do eat” I repeated.

“You're under weight Alexandra, your height and your weight do not match” he said
showing me a board with stats, “And with the damage of the heroin and the cigarettes...”

“I agreed to stop with the... Heroin…” I said it hesitantly because just to name it was
too much to bear, I wanted it. I needed it. “But I won't stop smoking cigarettes” I said
definitely, “And I do eat” I added to his discontent. I assumed he had thirty-something and
--like most doctors who worked with addicts-- was convinced in making me see what was
wrong with me. He put the board with the stats down and sighed.

“You will have time to talk about this in group therapy, and if you need something
else, you can tell me” he stood up. “Now you must go. You're late for the praying session”

The whole praying out loud in a group wasn't for me. But I went anyway, it wasn’t
like I had something better to do.

“How was it?” Franco asked as I joined the circle.

“It was all right” I shrugged, not interested in getting into details. Then I took his
hand and the hand of the girl on my right and the prayer began.

“Thank you lord for this new day...”

I stopped listening, and with my eyes closed I silently prayed.

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I don't even know what the point is...I don't think you're listening, because where
were you that night? We needed you... I needed you…

“You'll eat now, won't you?” Franco teased as we walked into the Cafeteria. I
scanned around and didn't find Patricia.

“No, I want coffee.” We took our cups of coffee and sat at a table in the back of the
Cafeteria, the weather was nice today. Cold and a little windy, the hot coffee went perfectly.

“Uuhm, the coffee is great” I said sipping it.

“Yeah...” Franco agreed lazily and then studied the cup more intently, “Although, a
few percent of alcohol would make it better"

Franco was an alcoholic. He’d experienced with cocaine when he was a teenager but
didn't like it as much as alcohol, so, he stopped before becoming completely addicted cocaine.
Strong alcohol was his weakness.

“Well, pretend it has alcohol and shut up” I said but then grinned before he could get
offended. People tend to do that when I spoke my mind. But he didn't.

Instead he said, "If such thing could be so easily replaced," he sighed wistfully and
then with a wicked smile he added, “Why don't you stab you arm with a pencil and pretend its
heroin?”

“Touché, my friend. Touché”

A shaking anxious looking girl approached to our table then. “You guys have a
cigarette?” she asked. Franco and I looked at her, then he looked at me and shrugged as in I
don’t know/care who this girl is, with that I assumed she was new.

“Sure,” I said reaching into my back pocket to get the pack, “Take a seat” I invited,
feeling welcomed was a good thing here when you were new, I guess. I handed her a cigarette

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and the lighter. She couldn't light it up with her shaking hands. “Allow me” I said like a
gentleman should have, but apparently there wasn’t any in the table. Franco kept looking
around as if he wished to be somewhere else but here.

She sighed when the cigarette was lit and took a long drag. “Oh my god thank you,
they're out of them in the Cafeteria and I was dying for one” She took another drag and after
exhaling she said, “I'm Valery”

“Nice to meet you, I'm Alex and this is Franco” I said because apparently Franco had
gone mute too. The girl nodded and stood up feeling Franco’s sudden hostility.

“Well thanks again,” she said, “I'll see you guys around” And she walked into the
Cafeteria. Because no matter how charming I intended to be, Franco’s attitude wasn’t helping.
I didn't blame her, besides, it had gotten colder. I was wearing a long sleeve pink sweat-shirt
today but it was thin. My hands were freezing.

“Let's go inside before you turn blue” Franco spoke and stood up. I didn’t argue and
walked with him back to the warm Cafeteria and toward the lounge. We could watch TV
there, the news was always on, either they did it on purpose or they just had crapy cable. But
today was the exception, a movie was on --Oh no, it was a documental, about alcoholism.

“We have to go get ready for group therapy,” I told Franco suddenly feeling
awkward.

He shook his head, “I'm ready. You're ready, let's stay and watch this” He took chairs
from an empty table near us and put them behind the couch in front of the TV. Three tired-
looking guys were sitting there looking at the screen but not really watching it. That was how
everybody looked around here. The patients, I mean. Either they looked very tired or they
were shaking with despair. And we watched the documental. All of it. Until the end when one
of the guys died of cirrhosis. And the other recovered and lived happily ever after.

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Franco seemed to be a little tense beside me, the guys in the couch had left and there
were only two girls in a corner reading a book, or that seemed to be what they were doing. I
stood up and situated behind his chair.

“You look a little tense,” I said, “You need a massage” I put my hands on his
shoulders and he stood up abruptly and turned around to face me. His expression was blank.

“We'll be late if we don't go now” he finally said and started walking. I was taken
aback, since when a guy rejects a massage? But I didn’t say anything and I followed him,
silently. We walked toward the green room --Group therapy. People were there already. I took
a seat and was surprised when Franco walked around the circle and sat down far away from
me. As the therapy began I realized why he'd done that. Today the ones in the right --where
Franco sat-- asked questions. And the ones in the left --where I sat-- answered the questions.

Questions were asked and answered. It was Franco's turn but he didn’t choose me. He
asked the girl sitting beside me. “What is your biggest fear?”

I didn't listen to the girl’s fear and I thought of my own. What is my biggest fear?

Perhaps... Being alone? No... Not quite. Dying? I attempt to end with my life many
times a week so that's not it... Maybe losing someone… that was close to it.

“Okay everybody. Thank you for coming and sharing” therapy was over. I walked
out of there feeling relieved, I didn't speak, I barely even listened.

“Want to go smoke again?” Franco asked joining me again. I shook my head.

“I've only got three cigarettes left and Valery said they were out of them in the
Cafeteria” I couldn’t take the risk of staying out of cigarettes.

He grinned, “I'll buy you some tomorrow”

“How are you going to do that?” I wondered.

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“Tomorrow's kind of the 'day off' for the ones with permission to go out”

I didn't know that. But I was curious now. “And where are you going?”

He smiled and turned toward the Cafeteria, “To the store to buy you some cigarettes
because we're smoking those last three, right now.”

Franco was long gone when I woke up the next morning. I showered, although with
this December weather and no water heater, it was almost a sin. I immediately covered myself
with warm clothes and walked alone toward the Cafeteria. My eyes sparkled at the sight of a
pot of hot coffee. I poured steamy coffee in a cup and started walking out the doors of the
Cafeteria, to the tables in the back.

“Not so fast,” Patricia's voice called me back, “Alexandra dear, I have something for
you” My god she was the most annoying nurse. She was one of the nurses of our floor.

“What is it?” I said walking toward her. She handed me a small cup with a beige-tick
liquid.

“Dr. Hyatt prescribed this for you, drink up”

I watched it with doubtful eyes. It didn't look good at all but if this was going to get
Patricia off my back, what the hell. And it wasn't good. Fortunately it was just a little cup.

“Yummy” I said giving her the empty cup back and sipping my black coffee to get
the nasty taste off my tongue. I walked toward the lounge instead, I had no cigarettes there
was really no point in going to the back of the Cafeteria. I found Valery sitting on a couch
reading a magazine. I sat down next to her.

“Hey”

“Hey” she said but her eyes were glued to the magazine. I don't know how she could
read. The magazine was shaking just as her hands as she held it. Understanding she wasn't in a

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chatty mood I stood up and walked toward a bookshelf. I found classic books, dictionaries,
and a few medical books. I wasn't surprised to see several bibles there too. Out of temptation I
took one, it was small and dusty, maybe nobody here dared to touch it. I cleaned it with the
palm of my hand and opened it. I closed it and took it, and I walked back to the room.

I expected Franco to come back soon but it was four p.m. already and there was no
sign of him. Wasn't he just going to a store to buy cigarettes? But I didn't know. He could be
with his family; he could have a family of his own, for all I knew. A wife and a daughter
maybe, I didn't ask. Not that he was old. I think I heard him say he was twenty-three when we
were in Group Therapy. But I just didn’t know.

While I waited for him, I stayed in the room browsing the little bible, but I was new
to it. I didn't know how but I knew there was a correct way to read the bible. It had to be.

I just dedicated to find short passages. Some of them were like poems, very beautiful.

A knocking sound woke me up. I didn’t realize I had fallen asleep. It wasn’t really a
knocking but a thud on the door. I opened my eyes and noticed the door of the room was wide
open. And Franco was standing there. I took the bible off my stomach and put it on the night
stand table. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. He closed the door behind him and fell to his knees
bowing his head. I opened my eyes completely now.

“What happened?” I asked, a bit alarmed.

He looked up and gave me a lazy smile, “I fell”

“Well, stand up” I said sliding out of bed. But he didn’t move and as I walked nearer,
I knew why. He stunk of alcohol.

“Franco. What the hell!”

He looked up again, “I told you, I fell” he said again and I saw regret cross his eyes.
“I just couldn’t resist...”

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“Come on, I’ll help you” I knelt down next to him and put his arm over my shoulders
and tried to help him to his feet. But he was way too heavy; it was too much for my small
body. “Help me” He straightened up his back and walked toward his bed but he collapsed
before reaching it. “My god Franco” I fell with him and observed him. His hair was all messy.
It could have looked good if it wasn’t dirty and sweaty. His clothes were dirty too, and bloody
and right then I noticed he had a cut on his lower lip. He was still bleeding a little.

“You were in a fight” I stated. He leaned his head back, resting it on the edge of the
bed, and closed his eyes tiredly.

“I was just going to the store,” he started with a very low voice. I just could hear him
because I was close. “I bought your cigarettes,” he smiled a little, “… and I ran into Liam”

Like I knew who Liam was, but I guessed it was no good.

“And we went to his house,” he continued, “I’d missed him, you know?” He tilted his
head to a side and watched my face for a moment. Then he looked back at the ceiling, “And
we had a few drinks” he confessed at last. I sighed and he looked at me again. “Don’t”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t judge me, please,” he said and he sounded sad, “Tell me, if you ran into
someone who could give you heroin, would you just walk away?”

“Don’t even joke about that” I warned. He looked at the ceiling again and then closed
his eyes.

“Then we went to a bar” he paused and took a long breath, “And there was where the
fight started” He touched his lip with his finger, “I got out of there before the big part, I only
got one punch”

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“Yeah…” I said studying him. He was speaking low and slow and he looked all
messy and the smell, well, alcohol was coming out of him, out of his pores. “How the hell did
you get in looking like this?” I asked at last.

“Oh,” he opened his eyes and sat up straight, “A girl in the second floor had an
overdose and everybody was there, Lucinda wasn’t in the reception”

I didn’t know anybody in the second floor but if she had an overdose was because she
had permission to go out and just like Franco, she used again, and for the last time maybe.

“You’re not gonna tell on me, are you?” Franco asked looking into my eyes, with his
unfocused glassy eyes.

“No, Franco. I won’t, but--”

“Thank you. If they had seen me tonight…”

“They would have kicked your ass out of here already” I finished.

“Yeah…” he agreed.

“You do realize you just doubled your suffering, right?”

Using again and then the abstinence here was like starting all over again. It
complicated the withdrawal, a lot. He nodded and tried to stand up. I stood up quickly and put
my hand on his waist to steady him.

“I need a shower” he said. And I couldn’t disagree on that but…

“Won’t you fall?”

“Nah” he said and lifted off his t-shirt, and unfastened his pants.

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“Um, okay” I turned around and walked toward my bed. He chuckled and I heard the
sound of his clothes hitting the floor, and the door of the bathroom clicking closed. I turned
around then and picked up his clothes. I shoved them in a plastic bag and then I put them on a
corner of the closet. And I pulled out a shirt and a pair of boxers for him. I heard the water
stop running and I knocked softly on the door of the bathroom.

“Franco…” I whispered, “Let me know when you’re done, I have clothes for you
here”

The door opened and I caught my breath, I forced my eyes to look up to his face. And
I repressed a smile. He was standing before me, totally naked. “Here,” I said extending my
hand with his clothes. He smiled curiously as if he were enjoying this, and finally took the
clothes, and started dressing without closing the door. I turned around feeling my face hot, and
walked toward my bed.

“Alex...” Franco’s voice came from behind me. I drew in a long breath and turned
around.

“You feel better?”

He nodded. “I’m better than ever” he said running a hand through his wet hair.

“You didn’t fall” I noted.

He grinned and then flinched and touched his lower lip. “Ouch”

“Let me see” I walked closer to him, “He hit you pretty hard” I touched his cut. It was
small but very deep.

He looked at me with lazy eyes. “God, you’re beautiful” he breathed.

“And you’re drunk” I said, “Come on, we need to rest”

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He didn’t scream that night. But I couldn’t sleep. I closed my eyes. I was shaking,
and not because it was cold. My teeth were shattering along with my trembling lips and my
hands squeezed my legs and then my nails clenched my thighs, deep. It hurt but I couldn’t
help it. I just hated it so much.

I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, couldn’t feel, couldn’t anything…

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TWO

“Jessica is death” Those were Franco’s first words to me the next morning.

“Oh my god,” I sat up on my bed, “I’m sorry but, um, who’s Jessica?” was, who was
Jessica…

“The girl with the overdose last night,” he said and he sounded so sad, his eyes were
looking into space.

“You knew her” I realized, “I’m so sorry”

He nodded still looking at nothing. “Yeah” he stood up and walked into the
bathroom. Slamming the door closed. I jumped for the impact and I swallowed hard. I didn’t
know Jessica. Perhaps she had been here as long as Franco had. She must have been his friend,
maybe. If I have had a friend here and she had just died…

“Franco?” I knocked on the door of the bathroom, “What are you doing?” I asked,
concerned. Nothing, he didn’t answer. I grabbed the knob door but hesitated. Maybe he was
just crying and he was afraid of looking weak in front of me or something. “Franco… you can
come out” I said resting my forehead against the door, “I’m here for you, you know?”

The door flung open and he grabbed my arm to steady me. I looked up at him, he
wasn’t crying. His eyes were red and his expression hard as a rock, but he wasn't crying.

“Let’s go for some coffee” he released my arm. I didn’t argue and we walked toward
the Cafeteria. We took our cups of coffee and sat down, on a table in the back. The sun was up
with clouds around, but it was cold. I liked this weather. I could use long sleeve shirts, I could
cover my skin. Franco was quiet, not that he was the kind of guy that didn’t stop chatting. It
was just that this silent was a different kind and it was starting to get uncomfortable. I kept
drinking my coffee. I really didn’t dare to speak. I didn’t know the right words.

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“Oh my god, I can’t stand this!”

Both Franco and I looked up and found Valery standing there, the shaking girl from
before, the new one.

“Do you guys…” she whispered now, “Know where can I get… you know what?”

Franco and I exchanged quick looks. He sighed. “Look around,” he told Valery. She
literally looked around, “Do you see someone happy? Lost with bliss?” he continued, “This is
a Rehab Center, what you want, you won’t find it here”

She frowned at him and turned to me, “I can’t believe you hang out with this freak”
she said to me and turned to her heels. I burst into laughter.

“What?” Franco asked.

Between laughter I said, “We’re all freaks here!”

He smiled, “You’re not a freak”

I stopped laughing and remembered last night, he was looking at me in the same way.
He noticed he was almost staring and looked down at his coffee cup. Then he reached into his
pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. “I bought them” he handed them to me. I took them
and pulled out a bill out my pocket, “No, no” he waved in dismissal, “Take it as a thank you,
for not telling on me”

I took them and pulled out two cigarettes for us. And we smoked in silence.

We went to the room to change clothes after that, because we had Fitness therapy. We
put on sweaters and pants, and headed to the back yard of the building.

“I hate this,” Franco murmured after the trainer told us to run for ten minutes. I didn’t
say anything, I liked to run. It felt like freedom. I started running and Franco ran beside me.

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We started slow but then I speeded up and he was left behind.

The sound of a whistle made me stop. Out of breath, I turned around and saw
everybody walking back to the initial point. From the corner of my eye I caught sight of
Franco. He was bending over puking his guts out. I started to walk toward him but the trainer
beat me to it reaching Franco first. He put a hand on his back and bent over to speak to him.
After a moment Franco stopped puking and straightened up. The trainer dismissed us all and
he walked with Franco into the building. I went to the room to take a quick shower and change
clothes. Then I walked to Dr. Hyatt’s office. I knew they would take him there. I sat down on
the floor next to the door and waited. After more than ten minutes I started to get anxious and I
stood up to leave. The door opened then and Franco looked surprised to see I was there, so
was Dr. Hyatt.

“Alexandra, can I help you?” he said.

I looked at Franco and shook my head, “I was waiting for him…”

“Oh,” Dr. Hyatt said, “Good then, maybe you could stay with him today?”

Franco bowed his head a little and only his eyes he looked up at me.

I was confused but said, “Sure”

“Thank you. I’ll speak to Patricia and let her know you two will be excused from the
activity today”

I had no idea what he was talking about but I nodded anyway.

“What was that?” I asked once we were in the room. Franco sighed and collapsed on
his bead.

“Nothing”

Eneyda Prado
 ADDICT

“Okay…” I lay on my bed too and closed my eyes. I opened them again and he was
standing in the door, hesitating, “What is it?”

He turned around rubbing his temples, “Nothing, I’m just,” he shrugged and shook
his head, “A little --anxious, that’s all”

“Well, come back. Sit and try to calm down” I suggested. I knew the feeling, it made
you want to run and scream, and you felt like choking all at the same time. He did sit and I
noticed he was sweating a little now. He put his hand on his chest as if his heart hurt, and
started breathing heavily.

“I don’t, I can’t” he said quickly, “She’s death!” he shouted. And I knew then what
was this all about.

Jessica.

Whoever she had been in his life, I didn’t know. But he had been doing so well, until
yesterday when he relapsed for the second time in less than a week and then his friend died.
That must cause a nervous break down. Or in Franco's case anxiety and a panic attack.

“Franco” I knelt in front of him, “Breathe” I whispered, “Look at me” He did and his
eyes were filled with tears and his lips parted a little. He sat on the bed, looking down at me.
“Look into my eyes” I said, “It’s okay, you’re fine”

He looked into my eyes. His eyebrows touched and his expression was even painful
to watch. He tightened his jaw, and swallowed hard. I desperately tried to tell him with my
eyes that it was okay. I wanted him to calm down. I didn’t want to have to call anybody, they
would give him something to sleep and forget. Or they would take him away. And I didn’t
want that. I knew he didn’t want that.

Eneyda Prado
 ADDICT

Tears spilled over and dripped down his cheeks and he shut his eyes. He reached out
and squeezed my arms with both hands. Holding me down in front of him, it hurt me but I
didn’t complain. He was steadying his breathing.

“It’s okay” I whispered again. He squeezed my arms harder and I held back a scream
of pain. After a few seconds, he loosened his iron grip on my arms and opened his eyes.

“I’m sorry” he said as reality hit him. I swallowed and shivered slightly. He let go of
my arms completely, “Fuck” he said angrily, “I hurt you”

I shook my head, he reached out to touch me and I flinched. He dropped his hand and
stood up. “Fuck!” he repeated, “You won’t trust me now”

I stayed on the floor staring at the wall. He had walked toward the door again, and
was hesitating. He took a step toward me and then he took that step back and faced the door.
His back to me he said, “I’m sorry”

At last I found my voice and said, “You didn’t hurt me, I’m okay” Apparently I
wasn’t convincing enough, he dropped the hesitation and walked toward me. He reached out
for me to take his hand and I didn’t flinch this time. I took his hand and I stood up. Before I
could do anything he pulled me closer to him and put his arms around me.

He hugged me.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I’m sorry” over and over again.

“I told you, I’m okay” I said into his chest. He felt so good, familiar --for a moment--
I felt safe. But then I was terrified.

“Let go” I said calmly. But I don’t think he heard me, “Let go!” I said louder.

He pulled back a little to see my face, “What’s wrong?”

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 ADDICT

“Let go, don’t touch me” I said trying to back away, but his arms wouldn’t let go.
“Stop touching me!”

He stepped back then, “I- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean--”

I didn’t let him finish and I walked into the bathroom and locked myself in. I spent
the night there. Franco knocked on the door for hours and begged me to get out of here.
Asking what was wrong, he also didn’t want to call someone. And he didn’t. He gave up on
knocking somewhere in the middle of the night. I lay on the floor, holding my knees to my
chest and I cried silently all night. Then memories of that night hunted me, the memory was
too clear to bear… The most horrible night of my life, in my nineteen years of life and in my
almost a year as an addict, that was the night that marked me. And the reason I was here. Why
I accepted to come without an intervention.

Because I had only three options: Rehab, Jail, or Death.

“I didn't know” my mother had said to me. Her voice broke off because she had been
crying. Her hands were shaking in the steering wheel, “I almost went crazy when I heard, and
then you called me... I was so scared, I thought...”

I was sitting in the back seat, holding my knees to my chest. I closed my eyes and the
events of the evening flashed before me. I snapped them open and saw my sister Diana
looking at me from the passenger’s seat, her child eyes filled with tears and confusion as she
silently watched me.

“Sit honey, put on your seatbelt” my mother had told her. She immediately obeyed
and I closed my eyes again. The memory was over, for now. I slept for a few minutes, if any.

I splashed cold water on my face and brushed my teeth. I opened the door and found
Franco lying on the floor. My heart squeezed a little at the sight of him. He'd slept on the floor
in the other side of the door.

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 ADDICT

“Franco… Wake up…” I whispered. Slowly, his eyes opened and when he saw me
standing in front of him he sat up sharp and swallowed.

“You’re okay” he said surprised.

“Yes…” I wondered if he thought I had killed myself in there, although there wasn't
really a way, unless I'd broken the mirror. I wasn't very creative last night.

“I’m sorry” he said standing up.

“Stop apologizing, please” I told him and ran a hand through my hair. He turned
around and stretched his back. I looked at my hand with wide eyes. I had a bunch of hair. I ran
my hand through my hair again, more hair came out.

“So, hey” Franco said facing me. I dropped the hair and looked up trying to hide my
surprise, “We can take a walk,” he suggested, “Or… We can play baseball with the rest, even
though I know you don’t like it but…” he started babbling, “Or we can just watch or hang on
the lounge or--”

“Yeah” I blurted.

He blinked and ended the rambling with an, “Okay”

We got ready and left the room. First, we headed to the Cafeteria for coffee and I
bought a sandwich. Franco was surprised and he bought one also. As moral support, I don’t
know. We watched the guys play baseball while we ate our sandwiches and drank our hot
coffee.

Franco cleared his throat and spoke tentatively, "Are you... Going to tell me... What
happened last night?"

Eneyda Prado
 ADDICT

I took a drink of my coffee, "I felt sick and I stayed in the bathroom because I
couldn't stop puking" I said. Franco didn't push the matter and after a few minutes we started
smoking. Like a normal afternoon.

The lounge was crowded today, because we had -Coffee afternoon- our Tuesday
activity. We could drink coffee and we talked about a certain subject. Franco walked across
the room to get us croissants.

“Hello,” I looked up from my coffee cup and found a guy with a curious winter hat,
“How are you?”

“I'm all right, how are you?" I said.

The blond guy smiled, “I'm perfect now” he extended a hand, “I'm Micah” I shook
his hand, “Nice to meet you Alex”

Before I could ask how he knew my name, Franco was back. And Micah released my
hand. “Until we meet again” he said and walked away in a too graceful way.

“Who was that?” Franco wanted to know.

“Micah” I said simply and watched the guy walked out of the lounge. The Coffee
afternoon turned out to be okay. There were jokes and laughter, which was different.

That night.

“I knew it...” I murmured under the covers. Franco was screaming, long Ahhh-
screams with a deep husky voice.

The door cracked open a little, and a guy’s head poked in, “Stop screaming or you
know what'll happen” he warned Franco, “I'm not in the mood tonight”

Eneyda Prado
 ADDICT

The door closed and Franco shouted, “I don't give a shit what you do to me!”

The door opened completely this time and the guy walked into the room determinate
to hit Franco.

“No, Don't!” I pleaded jumping out of bed aiming for the guy's arm. He pushed me
hard knocking me to the floor. I cried in pain, it felt like I broke my butt.

“Son of a bitch!” Franco's voice sounded so angry and dangerous. And he punched
the guy right on the nose. I swear I heard the crack sound of the guy's nose. But he recovered
quickly and punched Franco back. And with all my might I stood up and ran to the door.

“Help!" I pleaded two other workers that where at the end of the hall, “help please!”
The guys heard me and turned around, the despair in my expression must have convinced
them something was wrong, “Help!"

The guys ran toward me and into the room. Franco and the guy were struggling on
the floor now. The other two guys separated them and I ran to Franco. He leaned his body on
me to remain standing, they were breathing heavily and quickly.

“What the hell Scott!” one of them demanded at the nose bleeding guy.

“Just shut up!” he said yanking his arms. The guys let go of him and he stormed out
of the room.

The two guys studied Franco, “You need to go see the doctor--”

“No,” Franco said, “I'm all right, I'll just cleanup”

The guys exchanged a short knowing look, “We can get you a first-aid kit” one
suggested. Franco started to shake his head.

Eneyda Prado
 ADDICT

“Thank you” I said. The guys left and I helped Franco to get to his bed. He sat down
flinching a little; I sat down next to him. He was breathing heavily, and I wondered if it was
because of the agitation of the fight or because he was feeling anxious, probably both. Before I
could ask him, someone knocked on the door. I stood up quickly and opened it, one of the
workers handed me the first-aid kit.

“Can I talk to you?” he said low, I looked over my shoulder, Franco had his head
bowed.

I closed the door a little just poking my head out, “What is it?”

“How did all this start?” he asked in a too professional way.

“Franco was in pain and he screamed and the guy—“

“Scott” he said.

“Whatever, he was going to hit Franco and I wanted to stop him” I was whispering so
low it was a wonder he could hear me, “But I couldn't because that guy knocked me to the
floor”

He shook his head, “This is a problem" he said, “They look like hell, Mr. Donnelly'll
find out about it and if you don't tell the truth, your friend could get kicked out”

“Who the hell is Mr. Donnelly?” I asked, totally puzzled.

He raised his eyebrows, “Mr. Donnelly, er, Richard. The owner of the Center”

“Oh yeah, I'll talk to him tomorrow” I said, “And thank you”

He smiled, still professional, “No problem, now go take care of your friend”

I nodded and closed the door. I turned on the light and walked to Franco's bed and
opened the little kit. He looked up startled when I sat down next to him.

Eneyda Prado
 ADDICT

“It's me…” I whispered taking in the damage. And it was a lot. “I'm going to clean
you up, okay?”

He didn't speak and just looked at me with unfocused eyes. His breathing was less
agitated now and very profound. I took a cotton ball and poured Hydrogen peroxide in it.
There was no bottle of Isopropyl alcohol in the kit. Wise.

“I'm going to touch you now... Okay?” I whispered. I cleaned his forehead and his
cheeks very slowly and gentle. His right eye was swollen and had a deep cut that probably
needed sutures, but for tonight I cleaned the blood off and put a band aid over the cut on his
right eyebrow. He flinched slightly every time I touched him but didn't complain.

“I'm sorry” I said, “I'll clean your nose now” He had blood there too, but his nose
didn't look broken. So, I just washed the blood off. “Now your lips”

I thought announcing my movements would make it hurt less. Franco didn't answer
me, and closed his eyes. The cut of Sunday’s night had reopened and the left side of his mouth
was swollen. I cleaned his lips very carefully. He was breathing deep and slowly now.

He was calm.

I finished and stood up. He opened his eyes feeling my absence.

“You think you could sleep now?” I asked. He shrugged slightly and that simple
movement seemed to hurt him. “Let me see” I said. I didn't wait for him to say no and I lifted
off his shirt slowly. I saw red spots that promised to become bruises.

He looked up at me, watching my expression he spoke “Is it that bad?”

I tried to change my expression, I felt so guilty over this, “I'm sorry Franco,” I said, “I
didn't want him to hurt you and…”

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 ADDICT

He tried to smile but couldn't, he twisted his lips slightly, it hurt him, “He hurt you
first,” he said, “I'm fine” he lied.

“You don't think you broke something, do you?” I asked worried putting my hands on
his ribcage. He flinched.

“I hope not” he said holding his breath.

“I'm sorry” I said stepping back. I had touched him enough for the night, “I think you
should lie down” I said sitting down on my bed.

He watched me curiously, “I think I should too” he said and slowly lay down on his
bed, and closed his eyes. I lay down too but didn't close my eyes.

If I did I’d remember and I would see things I really didn't want to see.

The next day.

“You're saying he started it? Scott started it because Franco shouted?” Mr. Donne--
Ugh screw it, I was never going to learn his last name. Richard was saying.

“You do realize how bad it is to attack a worker of the Center and--?”

“Franco didn't attack him, he defended himself” I interrupted, “He defended me, too.
I told you, the guy punched me and I hit my ass with the floor pretty hard!”

He widened his eyes, “I don't think--”

“And you saw Franco's injuries”

“And I saw Scott's too” he argued, “Besides, why was Franco shouting?”

“He was suffering, he just lost his best friend Jessica” I said. And silently thanked
god for remembering the girl's name.

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 ADDICT

“Oh that's right, they were close” he agreed, “Situations like those only increase his
depression, I see” he nodded thoughtfully, “I will have a word with Scott and he will be assign
to the second floor to avoid trouble”

“Thank you” I said honestly. The least thing I needed was to get Franco kicked out of
here because of me. I walked out of there and found Franco waiting for me. “You're safe” I
told him. His worried expression relaxed a little but he couldn't smile yet. He had gone to Dr.
Hyatt's office earlier and he bandaged his left wrist. He didn't tell me last night his wrist hurt,
but he had a sprain. Also he had to bandage his torso to keep his back straight, because his
muscles were swollen. And his face, well, his right eye was swollen shut and he had several
cuts, cuts that brought attention to him when we walked into the Cafeteria.

“Just ignore them” I told him. We took our cups of coffee out in the back where
fewer people were smoking and talking.

“Oh my god what happened to you?” Valery asked trying to sound worried. And she
sounded a little too false. Franco naturally ignored her.

“We were in our room last night.” I spoke, “And we heard this weird noise” Valery
sat down next to me, her eyes craving for gossip, Franco gave me a doubtful look but didn't
say anything. I continued, “Franco got out of bed and opened the window” Valery nodded.
“And I did too. I looked out the window and saw a purple elephant floating right outside our
window!”

Valery's smile dropped, “Are you fucking with me, or did you find someone here that
has what I want?” she said still feeling hopeful.

“Oh honey the story isn't over,” I said and she abruptly stood up, “Franco flew out the
window and fought with the purple elephant!” my voice louder as she walked away. And then
I laughed, I found her reaction hysterically funny. Franco shook his head in disapproval but I
knew he was suppressing a smile.

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 ADDICT

“You'll be a legend now” I told him, “Who fights with a purple elephant and gets to
come out alive?”

“A floating purple elephant” he corrected.

“Oh yeah, I was there too” I said and laughed again. The awkward air that had
formed between us because of last night’s event vanished and we smoked and talked, like we
did every day. He didn't have a wife and a daughter as it turned out. And he had been in and
out of Rehab Centers since he was fifteen years old. I told him little about myself. I’d finished
high school with great grades. I had a very promising future in one of the best universities. But
I took a year off wanting to dedicate on what I truly loved, Art. But then I found the 'wrong'
friendships and everything went downhill from there.

“We have painting lessons here” Franco said after taking a drag, “It’s part of the
program. Art therapy, that’s how they call it, we can choose painting or guitar lessons”

I liked that. But it also terrified me. I haven't touched a brush in months.

“Which one did you choose?”

“Guitar lessons, I suck at painting” he declared, “Although I'd always wanted to

learn”

I smiled, “I'll take the painting lessons then” I decided, “And when I remember how
it’s done, I'll teach you”

“All right” he said.

We had bible study later in the day from six to seven P.M. And I took the little bible I
had gotten from the lounge. I had to admit it was a nice hour. There wasn’t a twelve steps
program here but they did believe in finding a higher power to help you go through with the
revitalization.

Eneyda Prado
 ADDICT

After that we went to Richard’s office and I asked him about the Art therapy, he
apologized to me for not telling me since the first week and I signed in on the painting lessons.
Then Franco and I headed toward the little counter where Patricia gave us our methadone pills.
Those pills were supposed to help us bare the withdrawal. I couldn’t even imagine how it
would be if they didn’t prescribe us that. The methadone was supposed to suppress withdrawal
for twenty-four to thirty-six hours so people in treatment --like us-- needed to take it only once
a day.

“Did you just chew that?” I asked Franco. He had methadone like me, but he also had
clozapine for his schizophrenia.

“Yeah” he said, “I chew all the pills I take, it hits you faster”

“Oh” I said. It did help really, with the craving for Heroin in my case. I didn’t know
about Franco; apparently it didn’t help enough if he relapsed last Sunday.

We walked to our room and I told him I wanted to play Cards. He searched for the
pack in the closet and found the plastic bag with his alcohol stinky clothes.

“What the hell?” he wondered out loud. He opened the bag and pulled out his t-shirt
and his pair of jeans. Something fell out of its pocket. Franco picked it up and his face lit up.
“Shit! I’d forgotten”

I watched his hand; it was a small cigarette joint of marijuana. I stood up and walked
toward him.

“Liam gave it to me” he said worshiping the tiny joint. “What do we do?” he asked,
liked he’d just realized where we were. I grinned and reached into my pocket, pulling out my
lighter I took the joint from his hand.

“We smoke” I said. He locked the door and opened the window. I walked toward him
inhaling, “What if they smell it?” I wondered handed it to him and exhaling the smoke.

Eneyda Prado
 ADDICT

“By the time they do, this thing will be over” he said. And he was right, we shared six
more drags and the little joint was gone. I laughed at nothing suddenly feeling happy and I
closed the window. Then Franco lay on the bed, and started touching his face.

“This is exactly what I needed” I beamed and walked toward the center of the room.
And I started dancing. Franco stood up then and walked toward me. “Dance with me” I said
taking his hands.

“There’s no music” he argued.

I laughed again. “We are the music!” I think I was a little too loud because he
shushed me. But I kept talking, “We are the music, we are air, we are water, fire and earth”

“And spirit” he added. I nodded.

“Yes dance. Dance!”

I was dancing to a tango song, violins played a lovely song in my head. I moved my
hips sensually and watched Franco, I think he was listening to Aerosmith or U2 because he
kept nodding and suddenly he played invisible drums and an electric guitar.

Then I remembered, “Hey”

He stopped playing the guitar, “What?”

“Weren’t we going to play Cards?”

“Oh yeah…” he said and walked to the closet. He pulled out the pack of cards and sat
on the floor. I sat down on the floor across from him.

“What are we playing?” he said shuffling the cards like a pro.

“Poker” I shrugged, suddenly feeling the effect of the joint fading.

Eneyda Prado
 ADDICT

“Strip poker?” he raised an eyebrow, the one he didn’t have a cut in. I thought about
it. And I saw images of the time he walked out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around
his waist and the time he had gotten drunk and showered and opened the door...

“Yes, let’s play Strip poker”

The colors and figures of the cards danced before my eyes and I had no idea if I was
wining or losing, I kept betting. Franco lost his shoes in the first round. Then he lost his socks.

“You keep betting” he complained.

“Because you're giving me good cards”

He narrowed his eyes at me. Rather, he narrowed his eye at me; his other eye wasn’t
completely open and it was purple. I wasn’t wearing shoes or socks when I started the game,
so, I removed my sweater first. The game continued and Franco lost his Jeans. I’d seen him in
boxers before; he slept in boxers when the night wasn’t so cold. But he was wearing black
ones tonight. Very sexy.

“Lose it, come one…” Franco said.

“All right, all right” The high was fading and I was feeling conscious because my
roommate was going to see the pink panties I was wearing tonight. But what worried me the
most was that he would look at the scars of my cuts. I stood up and turned out the light first.
And before sitting back down I pulled down my pants. Franco drifted his eyes away from my
thighs and looked at his cards.

“Shit, I’ll loss my shirt” he said and lifted off his shirt but stopped half way up.
“Help” he said under his shirt. I chuckled and leaned closer. I pulled his shirt up completely.
He shook his head and tossed the shirt to the floor.

“Hey, that’s not fair” I said, “You have your torso all bandaged, you're not showing
skin”

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 ADDICT

“Yes, I am,” he argued, “You’re the one not showing any skin, really”

I was crossed-leg and had my elbows resting on my knees so he couldn't see my

scars, or anything.

“But you’re about to, don’t worry” And he was right, I lost the next round and took
off my blouse, I didn’t mind if he saw me in just a bra. I was wearing my favorite tonight, my
Victoria’s secret black silk bra. It was weird, though. I hang out with him everyday, and now
he saw me half naked. I expected him to check me out and he did but just for a second. Then
he looked at my arms and his expression changed. I followed his gaze. I had his fingers
printed on my arms, yellow and green bruises. From the day he squeezed my arms, when he
had that panic attack over Jessica’s death.

“Lets…” he said and standing up slowly, “Let’s go to bed, it’s late…”

And like that the game was over, so was the high of the tiny joint.

Eneyda Prado
 ADDICT

THREE

The shaking of my hands wasn’t helping. But it wasn’t just that. I couldn’t think of
anything pretty, anything colorful or happy.

“You can copy one of the paintings of the book” Veronika said. She was the Art
teacher of the Rehab Center, she had a different style, but I liked it. Sort of like Picasso. I liked
to paint in a realistic way, my paintings looked like photographs. The ones I used to paint
when I was clean anyway, now I couldn’t even draw a stick figure straight. I smiled at her but
ignored her advice; I wanted to create my own piece of Art. I couldn’t however…

I walked around feeling useless and watched the other paintings. They weren’t good.
Not one, no wait; there was one. I approached the easel and observed the painting. Flawless, it
was a beautiful landscape, a meadow with a blue cloudless sky and green puffy trees, like a
damn paradise. It looked so real, it dragged me into it and I could almost feel the grass under
my feet.

“You like it?”

I turned around and found Micah. He was wearing a different knitted hat over his
golden hair today. It looked cute on him. He looked like a very nice guy. “It’s perfect” I said.

“But do you like it?” he insisted.

“Yes, I do. The technique it’s amazing and the colors... Just wow” He smiled a lovely
smile, Angelical almost. One you didn’t see here very often.

“Thank you” he said.

“You painted this?” I asked wide eyes, and also feeling worse. I could paint as good
as that, better maybe. At least once I could.

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 ADDICT

He nodded, “Where’s your painting?” he looked around.

I grimaced, “I didn’t paint anything today…”

“Ah” was all he said.

The lesson ended. Veronika told me I would be able to draw and paint very soon.
There was no need to worry.

Head bowed I walked alone toward the Cafeteria. Franco was there in the guitar
lesson. I poured coffee for us and walked to the couches where they were sitting. Franco
looked up at me and half smiled. The other corner of his lips was still a little swollen. I flashed
my best smile at him despite of my mood. I sat down on the arm on the couch and sipped my
coffee. The guys watched me with doubtful --and some not very friendly-- eyes. But I ignored
them and stayed there.

Raul, --The teacher, told me I could grab a guitar and practice but I sweetly declined.
I didn't need to be reminded I also suck at music. They practiced ‘Play with fire’ by The
Rolling Stones. Some were horrible, some were good. But Franco, he was great. And I let him
know I thought so. When the lesson ended I told him, how horrible my painting lesson had
been, and I only got an “Oh” out of him. He had been serious all day. I told him I didn’t mind
the bruises on my arms, they would vanish soon. But he didn’t seem to care what I had to say.

We walked back to the room but not wanting to be with a mute Franco, I went to the
lounge and smoke by the window. I liked the view, it was nice. The pine trees gave a nice
effect to the cold weather, and the soft mist made it look almost magical.

“Alexandra, you have a phone call!” I turned around and found Patricia standing
across the room; I put out my cigarette and walked toward her. It had been ten days since I got
here and I was getting my first phone call. And I knew who it was, who else?

“Yes, mom. Everybody is nice” I assured her.

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 ADDICT

“And how are you doing with your depression?” she asked and I could barely hear
her.

“Don’t cry mom, I’m doing great, really”

She kept denying she was crying even though I could hear her sobbing. I let her know
everything here was a therapy, even freakin’ working out. And I kept assuring her everything
here was like a fairly tail. Like I said: Addicts lie. And the loved ones believe. Well, my
mother believed me. I told her I was back with painting, I didn’t tell her I didn’t really paint
anything today because she got so happy about it, I kept lying. I spoke to Diana, too. She told
me she wanted to see me, I hear my mother in the distance telling her they would visit me very
soon. And that terrified me in so many levels. The last time I saw my little sister was a Sunday
morning when I walked into her bedroom and said goodbye to her, I was leaving town. But
my mother caught me at the door, and talked me into getting help, and all I wanted to do was
leave. Disappear, I wanted to vanish…

“Everything’s okay?”

“Jesus, Patricia. Do you have to follow me around all the time?” I said annoyed. She
was waiting for me just when I hung up. She made a face, she didn’t like my attitude.

“Here” She handed me the small cup with my vitamin --That nasty tasting beige
liquid. I took it, drank up and I walked toward my room. It was getting late, and I had nothing
to do there. My legs were shaking as I walked and my heart starting aching. I needed it,
goddamn it, I really needed it. One of the workers was in the hallway, watching. He gave me a
doubtful look but didn’t say anything. I kept walking and I wrapped my arms around my waist
to stop the shaking, it didn’t work. I reached the door of the room and wondered if I should
walk in or walk toward Dr. Hyatt’s office. He could give me some methadone if I tell him how
bad I felt, right?

My decision was to open the door. And there I froze.

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Franco was on the floor next to his bed, his entire body convulsing, and shaking
rapidly. I caught my breath and stepped out the door. I screamed, “Help!” for the guy in the
hall to hear, “Help please!”

People in their rooms walked out and looked at me like I was a crazy person. The guy
reached me and saw Franco.

“Go to Dr. Hyatt’s office!” he commanded, “Move. Get him now!”

I said I liked to run because it felt like freedom, but in this moment I felt caged as I
ran. My legs trembled wanting to collapse, but I had to help Franco. He depended on me.

“Franco! He—needs-- Go…please…” Dr. Hyatt caught me before I hit the floor, and
then he laid me on the couch of his office. I saw him walk out the door understanding Franco
needed help. And a moment later I saw a blurry Patricia walk into the office with a tragedy
expression. I panicked thinking the worst had happened and I sat up. And I felt queasiness
coming up my throat. Patricia acted fast and put the trash can in front of me and I let it all out.

Tears filled my eyes, as I puked until my throat burned. When I finally stopped,
Patricia handed me a Kleenex and I wiped my mouth with it.

“There goes the sandwich you forced on me this morning” I said with a husky voice.

“It would have been worse if you haven’t had something on your stomach” she said.
She stood up and poured a glass of water for me. I watched her but seriously the room was
spinning, she was still blurry and she wouldn’t stay still. She showed me her palm and she had
a pill --methadone, I noticed. My eyes sparkled. I took it before she regretted giving it to me
and drank up.

“You’ll feel better and you will sleep tonight” she said, “I don’t think Franco will be
there when you go back”

I look up at her. He wouldn’t be there? I would sleep alone? No…

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But that was the reality. I walked into the room and it was dark and empty. The pill
Patricia gave me made me feel a little sleepy. I took a short shower and lay in my small bed.

“Rick!” Disorientated I sat up and realized it had been me the one who’d screamed. I
looked around the dark room, “Nobody's here...” I murmured to myself. And then I jumped
out of bed and reached for the sink. I vomited who knows what. But it hurt, my stomach, my
chest, my entire body. Everything ached. The events of the day hit me, what a loser I was in
the painting lesson. How Franco had been ignoring me and then he was convulsing on the
floor. I wondered if seeing the bruises he caused on my arms had anything to do with that...
And probably the time he relapsed and the marijuana joint we smoked didn't help either.

I decided to stop thinking about Franco, he was okay.

He had to be.

I stumbled back to bed and sat down leaning back on the wall I brought my knees to
my chest. Staring at the door I started shaking. And sweating cold, I embraced myself.

Memories of his face flashed before my eyes. This memory, when it was all fun.

I saw his curly hair and his ecstasy eyes, his huge smile as he stepped on the
accelerator, the cool air messing with my hair as we passed over 80 mph. He leaned back on
his seat, both hands on the steer wheel. Josh cheered from the back seat.

“Crash it!” Josh shouted, “We're invincible baby! Crash it!”

Rick kept driving and passed a huge truck so fast the car balanced a little. I was quiet,
I was in the bliss of Heroin and I couldn't feel. I felt nothing... I closed my eyes and leaned
back on my seat letting the air caress my face... And it was amazing.

The car shook hard while Rick tried to avoid the other car, headlights blinding me as
I opened my eyes, and I felt again, and I felt fear, terror.

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I demanded Rick to stop the damn car and let me out. He didn't, not until I begged.
He slowed down and then he pulled up in a motel. Burning with fury I got out of the car
slamming the door behind me. I didn't let Rick intimidate me, never.

“Don't be like that babe” Rick said, “We were just having fucking fun”

He and Josh followed me. A prostitute approached me and I shouted at her to back
off. It didn't take long for Josh to take her, offer her the candies as he liked to call ecstasy and
then they walked into a room. Easy liked that.

It took me longer to allow Rick to touch me. He knew I was having a tantrum, he
knew that part of me and I think he even liked it. I was like a teacher's pet. He didn't treat me
like he treated the other girls. I was his and only his.

Seconds, minutes… hours passed, I didn't know. I was still angry at him but he
offered me something he knew I wouldn't reject. Feeling little, feeling nothing, I took his hand
and let him lead me into a room too. That was it, just another memory.

***

“You can't go inside. He'll probably be out later in the afternoon, in the mean while
go socialize with other people, tonight is Friday Night Live,” Dr. Hyatt was saying, “Go. See
if you can help with something” it wasn’t an order, more like a suggestion although it sounded
like the first one. I turned around not saying a word. And I walked alone toward the damn
Lounge, he was right. They did need help; I helped Harry --a fifty year-old meth addict-- with
the CD's for the Karaoke night. Apparently they all knew everybody's drug of choice. They
even knew mine and Franco's. Katy --a very young girl with pink hair-- had an obsession with
pills and Michelle was an alcoholic and sex addict. I realized then that I did need to socialize
with more people. I didn't know any of them. And it felt nice having people around, smiling at
me, well, most of them. This guy Sean was staring at me with angry eyes, he was a Heroin
user too.

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 ADDICT

“You'll sing, won't you?” Michelle asked me.

“Oh no, I suck at it” I said honestly. Someone told me once that because I could paint
perhaps I could also sing, we made the test and it was horrible.

“Well, that's why is funny” Michelle insisted, “Nobody here has a Grammy winner
voice but they sing for the fun of it”

And she wasn't lying. I stayed with Michelle and Katy while people pretended to
audition for American Idol. Most chose between Celine Dion and Madonna. I had to admit
that the fact that these people didn't have the best voices was hilarious indeed.

“I told you” Michelle said laughing. Then she stood up and took the microphone.

“There she goes” said Katy like she didn't know why it had taken Michelle so long.
She chose, 'Like a virgin' by Madonna. And she didn't sing badly. She sang so sexy the sleepy
looking guys woke up and cheered. And I swear every time she said 'touch by the very first
time' she winked at me. If it hadn't been for Katy's comment I would have thought I'd
imagined it. “She would jump on anything with a pulse” she said.

I didn't let the slightly insinuation that I wasn't attractive enough for a girl to want me
insult me and I said, “Perhaps, but would she sing like that to anything with a pulse?”

Katy raised her eyebrows and stood up, leaving me alone. Michelle ended the song
with a big bow and we applauded at her. It was getting late and I saw no sign of Franco
making an appearance at the Friday Night Live, so I said goodbye to Michelle, Henry, and
Sean and walked toward the room.

Feeling miserable and anxious, I dived into the closet to see if Franco had, I don't
know, another tiny joint, a pill, a razor... something. Anything. But I found nothing; they took
my pills and razors when I got here.

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If I wanted to shave my legs, I had to go to Patricia and she would watch me while I
do it.

The music of the lounge sounded all the way to the room. Taking that as an
advantage, I took the lamp from the night stand table and crashed it on the floor. It shattered
into a hundred pieces and I took one, the sharpest one. I took off my Jeans and sat down on my
bed. Holding the piece of glass, I hesitated; the white covers weren't a good Idea.

I should know that.

I stepped into the bathroom and sat down on the floor, I lay on my back putting my
legs up to the wall. I waited a few minutes, considering the blood had drained out of my legs I
sat up again. I closed my eyes and cried out loud when the sharpness of the glass cut my skin.
Very slowly, I repeated the movement several times; tears filled my eyes and burned. I opened
them and gasped. I didn't hear the door, but there he–Franco was standing before me, looking
at me with mortified eyes, staring down at my thigh. I looked down and saw why he had that
expression. Blood tainted the floor --my blood.

I cut more and deeper than I’d intended. I dropped the sharp glass I was holding with
a shaking hand and looked up. Franco wasn't there anymore. I couldn't stand up, my leg had
gone numb. More tears ran down my cheeks, I felt worse than before, empty and lost.

Franco was back in the bathroom, he knelt next to me but not too close. He opened
the first-aid kit and put gauze over my thigh covering the cuts. He took one of my hands and
pressed it against my thigh to stop the bleeding. He took a ball of cotton and poured Hydrogen
peroxide in it, he took my free hand gently and slowly washed the blood off. I stared at his
face unable to speak. I kept crying, silently.

He looked better than the last time I saw him, he looked less tired somehow and the
injuries on his face looked better, his lip wasn't that swollen anymore. And his eye was open,
still black and swollen but open.

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He wasn't speaking either, he put my hand down and very tentatively took my other
hand, I was pressing against the gauze but stopped and put my hand away. He lifted the gauze
and we both saw the damage. I looked away, and not caring I was wearing only a very thin
shirt and panties; I let him cleanup my cuts. Very gently he cleaned my thigh, I flinched just a
little and he stopped. I looked at him again; he lifted my leg a little, bandaging my thigh once
the blood was gone, very slowly. He closed the kit and put it under the sink. Then he put his
right arm behind my back and the other very carefully under the back of my knees. He stood
up carrying me on his arms and walked out of the bathroom. Silently through the dark room he
carried me and laid me onto my bed. I wanted to speak, to say something. The silence was
killing me. But he turned around and stepped back into the bathroom. He took a wet towel and
got on one knee and started cleaning the floor, my blood tainted the towel. I closed my eyes
and waited for him to come back. After a moment I sat up on the edge of the bed and
considered standing up but before I could decide Franco was back. He sat down across of me
on his bed. He watched me, stopping at my bandaged thigh and then at my eyes.

Waiting for an explanation, I guessed.

“You’re not going to tell on me, are you?” my voice came out in a whisper. He didn't
say anything. He kept watching me. “I'm fine” I said after a moment. And that seemed to click
on his volume button. He stood up and threw his arms in the air in exasperation.

“Don't give me that bullshit!” he said facing me, “I know it too well, you're not
Fine!” he almost shouted, “You don't cut yourself if you're fine!”

I flinched. He walked back to the bed, fists clenched he said, "And no. I won't tell on
you. They would take you to psychiatry and I don't ...”

Silence fell after that. The air around us tick with tension. He stopped looking at me
and started pacing in the room. He said he wouldn't tell on me, but I knew he was
reconsidering it. People react that way in this kind of situation.

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 ADDICT

Franco knew I did something bad, and he knew I knew it was bad. Bad for me. But he
also knew, it wasn’t something I could control.

That was how Elizabeth reacted when she found out. I started cutting way before
using. I was in high school and the pressure of getting straight A's was huge. She found me in
the bathroom one morning the blood had tainted my skirt, and she wanted to tell the counselor
of the school about it but she didn't because I begged her not to. She was my best friend, and
she had wanted to help me. But she wouldn't understand. I didn’t let her help me. I promised I
would stop and when she asked why I had done it, I distracted her with something else. I was
too ashamed to admit the reason because I ended up getting straight A's anyway.

Tonight I had done it for a totally different reason, pressure for good grades was
nothing compared to what happened almost two weeks ago. But I had to try the same way I
convinced Elizabeth that I was fine. Perhaps, Franco wouldn't believe me so easily but I had to
distract him.

“You missed my first Friday Night Live” I said, breaking the stressing silence. He
looked up from the floor and frowned a little.

“I forgot” he admitted, “I truly didn't even know what day it was. How was it?”

I smiled. It worked, I distracted him. “Well, this girl Michelle” I started, “Hit on me,
she sang 'like a virgin' to me”

He laughed softly, his chest trembling as he held in a burst of laughter, “That must
have been nice to watch, I'm so sorry I missed it” he said.

My smile widened, he was talking normal to me again. I told him everything. The
new people I met and he laughed harder when I told him Michelle was a sex addict. Then I
asked him, why had they taken him away and why didn’t they let me see him?

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He said the epilepsy seizure he had, had been because he relapsed again and then his
depression and everything that happened (Jessica and all). He said those kind of things didn't
help with his schizophrenia, either. I bet. He didn't say it but I knew that he felt bad for the
bruises on my arms too. They took him away and I couldn't see him because they had to give
him electroconvulsive therapy and he was a little too disorientated to have visitors. I felt bad
for him and guilty that maybe that was a little my fault. But I didn't say anything. When he
finished we opened the window and smoked. I wanted to thank him for cleaning my cuts but I
would only bring the matter back, so I didn't. After a couple of cigarettes we fell asleep.

The next day, after group therapy, Franco and I cleaned our room as everybody had
to and we also cleaned the hallway. I was having a hard time walking and I didn't go to Dr.
Hyatt so it was going take longer for my cuts to heal. Franco didn't mention last night's, um,
incident and I didn't either. I asked him if he would go out tomorrow and he said no, he didn't
want to take risks of relapsing again. Because this time Lucinda would see Franco and he
would be out. After cleaning we took a shower (separately, of course).

“You're seriously reading that?” he asked as he smoked by the window.

“Yep” I was reading the bible, well, if you could call reading what I did, I browsed
the little book looking for inspirational words.

“We have bible study already” he commented.

“Yep” I repeated. He was this evasive to me too; I didn't feel guilty for giving him
short answers. He took one last drag, put out the cigarette and went to bed.

I turned off the light and tried to sleep.

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 ADDICT

FOUR

“Alex!” I could recognize that voice anywhere. Her child's voice filled with Joy by
the sight of me, “Alex I missed chu” She threw her little arms around me. Shocked, all I could
do was hugged back. I held her small body in my arms, as she jumped with excitement. I
looked over her shoulders and my mother stood there, watching back at me. I let go of Diana
and straightened up, she looked up at me. It crashed my heart when she looked at me like that,
like I was the best thing on the earth. I held her hand and my mother hugged me, softly.
Pulling apart my mother took a look at Franco; he was quietly standing not too far away next
to me. We were in the back of the Cafeteria. Smoking. I had put out my cigarette as soon as I
saw Diana walking-running toward me. Franco nodded politely at my mother and I made
introductions. He looked uncomfortable taking my little sister’s hand, and then he excused
himself and told me he’d be in the room.

“Come home, Alex” my little sister said pulling my arm.

“I can’t go yet sweetie but I’ll go back soon, okay?” I swallowed back tears forming
in the back of my throat. She had that effect on me. She looked up at me like I was a great
example, and I was everything but that. They stayed shortly, but to me it seemed like an
eternity. My mother had to pull my sister away from my arms, she didn’t want to let go. That
saddened me a lot. But it was for the best. I couldn’t be around her doing what I was doing.

Not anymore.

After that I poured coffee in two cups and walked out of the Cafeteria. People were
staring at me. I knocked on the door with my knee but Franco didn’t open.

“Franco, open the door please” I tried to open it with my elbow. Nope, didn’t work. I
kicked the door again. Finally, my brain worked and I put the cups down on the floor, opened
the door, picked up the cups of coffee and walked inside. It was empty, no trace of Franco.

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I put his cup in the night stand table and drank mine. Wondering, where could he be?

I finished my coffee and drank his; caffeine was the best thing I could get here, aside
of cigarettes of course. Oh and methadone…

I heard the door open. I was in the bathroom changing my bandages.

“Alex? Are you back?”

“Yeah” I said.

“Me too…”

I wrapped my thigh again and walked out the bathroom, I had left my Jeans on the
bed. He turned around from the window. “Hey, where were you?” I asked putting my Jeans
back on. He didn’t answer and watched me, and I watched him back. He was, sweaty? And he
had that look… “You had sex”

He didn’t argue, didn’t speak, didn’t anything and walked into the bathroom.

“Who was it?” I asked Franco the next morning as we walked toward the yellow bus.
Monday's activity was to visit a photograph exposition of a local artist. After Fitness therapy
we were called to the front of the building. Franco didn't want to tell me who he had slept
with. And I wanted to know, I was a cat and curiosity was killing me. I've been asking all
morning.

“You think watching photographs is part of the Art therapy?” he wondered.

“Yes, I think so. Who was it?” I insisted. Franco was so serious and reserved. He
didn't open himself up, not even in group therapy.

“I think they just want to distract us,” he continued ignoring my question, “To keep
our minds busy with other things that won't involve our addiction”

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“Whatever Franco, don't tell me” I walked away. And found Micah, wearing a knitted
white hat now, I approached him and said hello. He seemed happy by my presence, so I stayed
with him the entire time. He had a weird way to interpret the photographs. He saw one with an
old man eating alone but he argued the man wasn't alone. "You're never alone” said Micah.

I didn't want to discuss. I kept nodding. I caught sight of Franco with the corner of
my eye, he was alone. I took Micah's sleeve and pulled him toward Franco.

“Franco this is Micah,” I said startling both guys, “Micah this is Franco”

They shook hands and Franco continued watching the photograph in front of him, or
he was ignoring us, I didn't know and didn't care.

Micah kept interpreting the photographs, and I felt better with his lovable self. Micah
even sat with Franco and me in the way back.

“I didn't like the photographs but the artist was hot” Valery was saying.

“And so gay” said Katy. And like that they started arguing. Yes, he was. No, he was
not. Who cares!

I stopped listening to them, although it was kind of hard with the girls sitting in front
of us. But still, I thought of the photograph I saw. The one with the two men and the white
dove flying above them. Micah's interpretation of that one?

“God works in mysterious ways, his helpers do things that might look bad but there's
always something good from those actions”

Not a clue what he meant.

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 ADDICT

Back in the Center I refused to speak to Franco. And I joined Katy and Henry in the
lounge. There was a praying group there, which I refused to participate in. I didn't have the
mood. Sean stayed with me; he wasn't looking at me any different than last time.

“What?” I snapped, “Did I do something to you?”

His expression hardened, even more, “I've seen you before”

“Oh yeah,” I challenged, “Where, tough guy?”

To my surprise he smiled, “You were my boss' whore”

I blinked, shocked. And I couldn't make up a good answer fast enough.

“But you were always high, so you didn't pay attention to us. Never shared a smile
with me” Sean continued, resentment in his voice, “He never let any of us approach you” he
smiled again, as if tasting something sweet, “You were... prohibited” His voice and his
nearness were both making me nauseous, I swallowed hard. “I was one of the minor
providers” he whispered, “Thank god I wasn't there that night, or I'd be worm’s food right
now” With that I stood up, and so did he. Sean grabbed my arm so hard I almost screamed.
And he whispered for my ears only, “Rick's not here to protect you now, is he?”

I yanked my arm and stepped back, away from him, “Don't even dare to fucking
touch me” I warned, “I don't need anybody to protect me”

He smiled maliciously, “We'll see”

I walked-ran to the room. Franco lay in his bed with the little bible open. I was
breathing hard from fear and I wanted to cry.

"What--?" he wanted to know.

"Shh"

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 ADDICT

I collapsed on the bed and tried to steady my breathing. I took deep long breaths.
Sean wouldn't hurt me, I convinced myself.

“What's wrong? What, what happened?”

I didn't answer. I closed my eyes and tried not to see his face. I really never thought
about it, I thought Sean was just an antipathetic person. It never occurred to me that he had
met me. “Nothing” I told an anxious looking Franco.

“Um, all right...” he lay down again.

“Please tell me..." I whispered. I needed a distraction. And he knew what I wanted to
know.

“Why do you want to know? What's the difference? So, I fucked someone, so what?”

I sat up and looked at his face. He truly didn't want me to know.

Why? Goddamn it, why not?!

“I just thought we were friends” I shrugged a shoulder, “The two of us don't really
share in group therapy. I thought the least we could do was to share between us”

No answer. Typical Franco. It wasn't dark yet, I wanted to smoke in the back of the
Cafeteria. But I didn't feel safe, fucking Sean and his lust threat. Although, it wasn't like he
could rape me in the middle of the Cafeteria, with everybody looking.

I stood up. “I'll go smoke, wanna come with?”

Franco had put the little bible down. He looked at me and said “I'm going to take a
shower”

“Oh, okay... I'll be back later then” I walked out of there and looked around. I didn't
know what floor Sean was staying in but he must be new here, as new as I was. I refused to

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 ADDICT

panic and I walked to my destiny. There, I scanned around and found Michelle and Katy. They
were drinking Coffee and discussing about something that seemed to be crucial to Katy, not so
much to Michelle.

“Hey” I said.

“There's my girl” said Michelle. Katy rolled her eyes, stood up and walked to join
Henry. I ignored her action and took the now empty seat.

“Don't worry about her” Michelle told me, “She gets like that sometimes, now she's
moody because her pink hair is turning white” she chuckled, “But mostly she's jealous”

“Oh well...”

“She has a crush on the guy I fucked yesterday”

“Ah” that was all I could say. My surprise was too big. Well, maybe not. She was a
sex addict, after all.

“You see...” Michelle said leaning closer to me, “I was actually looking for you...”

I widened my eyes. But again I was too curious. “Really…What for?” like I didn’t
know. She smiled lovely, I bet that smile could break down any men and they would do
whatever she wanted.

“I don't know, I can't stop thinking about you” she covered her face with both
perfectly polished hands. “I can't believe I'm saying this to you”

I was still wide eyes looking at her. My cheeks felt warm. “Why didn't you wait for
me to get back then?” Not that I wanted to get involve with her. I wanted to know how she
ended up sleeping with –quiet-too-serious- Franco. She looked surprised by my question and
her confidence grew.

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Leaning even closer she said “I did, but then that hot roommate of yours...”

“What, he took advantage of you?” I teased. This was getting interesting.

“Well, I think I started it” she admitted, “And then I couldn't wait for you... And he
told me to he wanted to go to my room”

I frowned confused, “Wasn't Katy there?”

Michelle and Katy were roommates. And somehow, I felt kind of respected by
Franco having the decency to go to her room instead of getting down and dirty with her right
there and then.

“No, she wasn't” Michelle simply said.

Huh... What should I think of this? I wondered.

“Don’t you want to know how it was? Or do you already know?" her blonde eyebrow
rose.

“Oh my god no, I don't have sex with Franco” I whispered. At the moment that
seemed to be the craziest thing to do, although later I did wonder...

“Well, you’re not missing much” she said to my disappointment.

“Really?”

“He got right to the point, never kissed my lips or any other part of my body. He just
came, I almost felt used” she chuckled, “Other than that... His hot body compensated the flaw
on his technique, I'll give him that”

“Huh” What a disappointment.

“So, hey, what are you going to do later tonight? I can tell Katy to go--”

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“I'm sorry Michelle I really like you but I don't think...”

“Um yeah, I was afraid of that” she confessed, “I knew it but didn't want to believe
it” she smiled, “You like men”

Wow, this girl was great. I thought she'd be angry. Instead, she understood and she
revealed Franco's secret. I said goodbye after a few hours and I walked back to the room.
Franco was asleep already. I tiptoed to my bed. Took off my jeans and tried to sleep.
Unsuccessfully so, Franco woke me up babbling about some Jack. When I woke him up to tell
him to shut up, he cleared up he was thinking about Jack Daniel's. And that's how we started.

“How do you fall in love with a needle?” Franco asked a little too poetic for my taste.

“It’s hard to explain…” I sighed and spoke low and slowly, “You see... it’s putting
the needle on your arm… when you hit the vein, and you know you got it. And then you press
the syringe. It’s in your veins, and it goes to your brain, all over your body, instantaneity body
high, absolute rush”

He smiled trying to imagine it, I guessed. I took the opportunity to know more about
Franco. “What about you?”

He sighed, “Well, I just like that burn”

“Well, sure. But how did it all start?” I was taking the risk of him asking me about
my beginning but I was curious. Curiosity was getting me in trouble.

He didn’t answer right away. But then he said “You know, even when I was out
socializing with a hundred people, loneliness was there all the time”

We went silent for a moment.

“Your turn” he said.

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 ADDICT

“You know, I feel like we should be taking a shot every time we confess”

“I would like to be taking a shot every minute but you know…”

I laughed. That is how it started. You want one and another and you want one more,
and then you want a really big one. And then another and it isn’t enough until you finally pass
out. And then you stop. Until, you wake up and you start over.

“So, you really did it because you felt lonely?”

He shook his head, “It was your turn”

“What do you want to know?” Jesus, the clock alarm announced five a.m. and we had
to be up at ten a.m. max. He hesitated and I lit up two cigarettes for us, opened the window
and sat back down on the floor.

“When do you start to hate it?” he asked at last. Good question and a very easy one.

“When it wasn’t fun anymore” I said. He nodded in agreement, took a long drag
formulating another question. Funny we didn’t do this in group therapy, I guess my ‘I thought
we were friends’ argument really hit him. And now he wanted to speak. Good, I think I needed
that too.

“You live with your mom?” he asked after a moment. I nodded. “What took her so
long? Or did she notice but didn't do anything about it?”

“She didn’t know, she thought I was working day and night, she suspected it, I think.
She noticed two weeks ago and here I am” exhaling the smoke as I answered. He looked
thoughtful for a second and I shot my question, “Who do you live with?”

“My father,” he said quickly, “I don’t have a mother anymore”

“I’m sorry”

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He shrugged. And we finished the first cigarette of the night, lighting up another he
asked “How did you get the money, If your mother thought you were working and how did
you get the heroin anyway?”

I looked down suddenly feeling over exposed. I embraced myself and didn’t speak.
Franco understood he had gone too far and spoke about him, “I started hating it when my
father… when he was giving me money and I spent it on booze, and at that moment I thought
'I should probably feel guilty', --you know? And somewhere deep down inside I think I did.
But... Then I thought 'in a couple of hours I'll feel a little bit drunk so'...” he shrugged in
disdain, “It didn’t matter”

I didn’t know if I wanted to ask more or if I wanted to answer more. I just didn’t
know. But suddenly I started speaking contradicting my feelings.

“You saw my little sister”

It wasn’t a question but he nodded anyway and asked “How old is she?”

“Five, she’s one of the first reasons I'm here” I sighed, my heart ached, “Diana asked
one day ‘mom is Alex still my sister?’” Franco raised an eyebrow. I probably shouldn’t have
brought my sister into the conversation. I would probably cry if I step on a too sensitive floor.
“Because I wasn’t around anymore, I wasn’t working. I was with… the guys all day and
night”

He nodded and I silently thanked he didn’t push it by asking what guys I was talking
about. And just like that he changed the subject abruptly.

“Who told you?” he asked.

“Tell me what?”

“Who told you it was Michelle, you haven’t asked since you came back”

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 ADDICT

I laughed remembering my earlier chat with her, “She did, she told me”

“Huh,” he took a drag, “She said she wouldn’t tell anyone”

“She lies,” I chuckled, “Who would have thought it?”

I didn't mention she gave him less than three stars. And those stars were just because
--he's oh so hot-- Michelle words.

“So how was it?” I dared to ask.

He blinked, and took the longest drag I've seen him take, “We fucked. How do you
think it was?” was his amazing response. Feeling he was done pouring his heart to me I stood
up and walked to the bed.

“Good night Franco”

Exactly three hours later we were up and ready. For what? Another day in limbo.
Franco and I had breakfast together and then we parted ways. He had to go to Dr. Hyatt's
office to take the stitches of his right eyebrow out. His cuts were a lot better. Also were mine, I
could walk perfectly now. I went to the lounge and joined Lucas and a blonde girl named
Nicole. I just noticed, without alcoholics this Center would be empty. You could tell who was
new and who had been here for a while now. The ones talking and actually sharing were a rare
case. The ones trembling and barely speaking --those were the new meat.

“Methadone is not working” Nicole said.

“Look girl,” said Lucas, “Not all Centers prescribe medications to deal with patients,
so make it work”

Poor Nicole shut up and the little progress of confidence she had made by speaking to
us was gone.

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 ADDICT

***

It wasn't until Thursday after my so failed painting lesson that I ran into Sean.

“There is the most prestigious whore in the Center” he said flashing a smile, which I
hated to admit made him look very sexy. But whether he was hot or not, I didn’t like him.

He was gross.

“Shut up! And get the fuck away from my way”

I wasn't in the mood to be nice. Not after the hours I just had. Because, Oh I painted a
tree --Woo Hoo...

“Relax...” Sean breathed stepping closer. Did I have to choose today to walk alone
toward the Cafeteria? “I just wanted to let you know that I have something I know you want”

I stared at him and then I got the joke. “I don't like little things, if you catch my drift”
I turned around. But he spun back to him, pulling me toward him and crashing me hard against
his chest. He was too strong and his eyes were glassy and uneven. “You’re high” I whispered.

He laughed so close to my face I looked away. “That is what I'm trying to tell you
but--”

“Let go off me, you’re hurting me” He really was. But what scared me the most was
what it was about to happen. Franco's question about someone offering what I wanted was
about to be answered.

“And it'll have the same price you paid Rick,” he said reaching around to touch my
ass with his free hand and pulling me into him. Realizing he was stronger than me at the
moment. Which wasn't fair, I wasn't empowered by the substance he was on, I just stayed still.

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 ADDICT

“So, what's it gonna be?” he asked and sneaked out his tongue licking my cheek. The
disgust I suddenly felt for him was stronger than my desire for anything else. With all my
strength I kicked him right in the middle of his legs with my knee. If he had anything there it
would hurt. A lot.

He let out a scream of pain releasing my arm and bending over. “You fucking
whore!”

I turned around and walked away then.

“You'll come to me!” he shouted, “You’re gonna want it and I'll have it right here
waiting for you!” his voice carried the menace all the way to the hall. Was I dying to go back
and take what he was offering to me? Absolutely. Did I want to pay him the same way I paid
Rick for so many months? That was the real question.

The memory of that first time made me feel a warm wave all over my skin.

“I'll just do it if you let me” Rick's seductive voice was saying, “You know... I can
protect you. No one is going to touch you if you’re mine”

I nodded but didn't really understand it. Yet. At that moment I was nervous, people
had told me he was big and powerful in the ‘businesses’. And there I was, just a silly drunken
girl that went to a night club, and had followed a guy to take me to him.

“But for that, I want you to try this” he continued.

“Won't I catch something?”

Rick raised his dark eyebrows, “You’re smart, I like that” he said sensually leaning
closer to kiss me. The needle was in before I could even feel it, and then I felt nothing. “You'll
get to the sky,” he promised, “And together we'll reach the stars”

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 ADDICT

With that he slowly took off my clothes and then his. He kissed his way down to my
thighs, gently he pushed them apart. I felt an amazing rush of joy but then it felt unbelievably
even better. Greater. An explosion of pure pleasure.

“And that's how you’re mine” Rick declared holding me in his arms.

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 ADDICT

FIVE

“Franco, for the hundredth time, I don't want to go”

“Come on. This is your second Friday Night Live,” Franco insisted, “I missed your
first one. The least you can do for me is go with me, so I can be there for the second one”

“Your logic has no meaning” I murmured. But anyway, I stood up and put on a
different t-shirt.

“Wow,” Franco said. I turned around. Now that he'd seen me in a bra I felt
comfortable changing my t-shirts or jeans in front of him, as long as I was wearing underwear.

“What?”

“Nothing,” he said looking away, suddenly embarrassed, “It's just that now that
you’re eating, you look...”

“Fat?” I prompted. Because that was how I was feeling. I was eating a little more
now, that and the absence of heroin had stopped my weight loss.

He shook his head, “No. You look better”

By Franco's demand here I stood in the lounge. They had Bingo and a ping pong
table. Wanting to wait for the evening to end I chose Bingo. I could even try to win. We sat at
the table.

“Could this be any more boring?” said a female voice behind us. Franco and I looked
back and found Michelle and a Pink haired Katy.

“Hey, your hair looks great” I noticed. It was really Pink.

“I know,” she said coldly, gave Franco a shy look and walked to sit far away from us.

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“I told you, she's jealous” Michelle said to me and putting her hands over Franco's
stiff shoulders she explained, “You spend all your time with this man”

Expressionless Franco chose a Bingo card, and mutely handed me one.

“Well, I'll see you later” Michelle winked at me and bounced to sit next to Katy.

“You don't have to be so mean to your girlfriend” I teased him.

Franco looked up from the table, “She's not my--” He noticed I was repressing a
smile and stopped talking. The Bingo started and quoting Michelle, could this be any more
boring?

“What about you?” asked Franco while we played, trying to distract me perhaps.

“What about me, what?”

“Well, aren't you feeling tense?”

“Every day partner” I sighed. Being inside this Center was getting more chaotic than
the outside in the real world. Well, not completely. But I've been here for seventeen days and
it hasn't been totally peaceful.

“I mean,” Franco cleared his throat, “Sexual tension” he whispered.

“Bingo!” someone at the end of the table shouted. Franco, normally fell to his quiet-
serious self after that. He put his card aside ready to stand up.

“Not yet” I answered at last standing up too. I walked to get something to eat and
Franco approached Michelle, he whispered something in her ear and walked out of the lounge,
and a moment later Michelle was out of there too. I chuckled. Maybe I was the only one to
notice but they couldn't be more obvious.

Wait… was Franco's question about my sexual tension…. a proposition?

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My crazy thought vanished as I saw Sean walk in the door. He caught sight of me and
started to walk in my direction. But then he stopped sharp and walked in the opposite way.
Relieved, I took a sandwich. I turned around and there I found a smiley Micah. I nearly
jumped in surprise; I didn't feel his presence at all.

“How are you? Bearing temptation?” he said. I looked around looking for Sean. And
found him sitting with Henry.

“Yeah...” I bit the sandwich.

“Good, we have a test every day” he said matter of fact, “Don't forget that”

“Okay... I... won't” I said hesitantly. He walked with me to the room after that, to an
empty room. I invited him in but he declined saying that was not the reason he was on earth. A
simple 'no, thanks' wouldn't do apparently. I started to suspect Micah was from the psychiatry
building.

After a couple of cigarettes and noticing the stars in the dark sky that the square of
the window displayed, I took a shower and went to bed.

Later in the night, I heard the door click open and I saw a shadow that I assumed was
Franco stumbling to his bed. He insisted for me to go to the damn Friday Night Live and then
he dished me.

But well, sex is sex.

Good or not.

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 ADDICT

“How come they didn't see you wandering from room to room?” I asked Franco as I
stood in the door of the bathroom the next morning.

“Tom,” he spat, “Was guarding last night” He washed his mouth one last time, put his
teeth brush in place and walked out the door. Our shoulders brushed as he passed me. No more
words, he walked to the closet to choose what to wear. I walked into the bathroom and took a
quick shower. Watching myself in the mirror after it, I realized I was packing pounds like a
bear just before wintering. Well, maybe I was over reacting and I guessed that was good.

Quickly I put on clothes and Franco and I headed to the Cafeteria. We sat down on
the back drinking coffee. Like a normal day here.

“What is it?” Franco wondered. I was staring at the table where Michelle, Katy,
Henry, Lucas and Sean were sitting.

“Nothing” I lied. I was actually considering going to Sean. My mind was screaming:
Yes! Go! Who cares another fuck! Just think of the rush and the high. “Franco” I spoke not
caring he was saying something I wasn't really listening.

“Uh, yeah?” he wasn’t bothered by the interruption.

“Would you... Would you do it again? Is it worth it?”

Long silence fell after that. I started to wonder if he’d heard me. But I looked at him
and he looked thoughtful, he was considering.

“You think you would?” he said at last. I looked at the table again. Sean was gone.

“No. Let's go, we're late for the praying session”

I stood up and we walked toward the lounge.

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 ADDICT

“I'm here, you know?,” Micah said standing next to me taking my hand as we formed
a circle, “You can call me any time”

“Um, thank you” I murmured.

The praying began and again I prayed in silence.

I heard you're testing us everyday. And you're testing me now, Huh? This test isn't an
easy one, although maybe that's the thing, there aren't easy tests...

Before group therapy I went to Patricia, I wanted to shave my legs. Being locked in
Rehab didn't mean I had to stop taking care of myself. I also cut my finger nails and toe nails.
Patricia went on and on about my scars. “They look recent” she insisted. I told her it hasn't
even been a month since I got here so of course they looked recent. It seemed like she was
convinced.

After that I joined Franco in the hallway like we'd planed. And we headed to the
green room. And I noticed new people. That was how therapy began, introducing the new
members.

“I'm Erick,” a frowning guy said, “And I am a meth addict okay, so shoot me”

I did not like his attitude but he was new, probably still thinking he didn't have a drug
problem. After that, confession time started and I heard some really sad stories. I wanted to
tell mine but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Not yet. Not in front of all these people.

“Why are you crying?” Franco wanted to know. We were walking toward the room
after group therapy. And a tear had spilled down my cheek.

“I'm not” I lied, “It's just that they told some sad stories..." I wiped the tear with the
back of my hand.

“Yeah... Well,” he said, “Happiness wouldn't get you into this place”

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 ADDICT

“I was happy” I argued, “I mean, I had everything I wanted” not everything I needed,
though.

We walked in the room and I immediately lit up a cigarette. I handed it to him and he
took a drag. “What do you mean?”

“Exactly that” I said, “I wanted drugs I got it, I wanted money, clothes, food, fancy
places jewels and I got it”

He raised an eyebrow handing me the cigarette back. “Huh, that's every addict girl's
dream life” he said.

“I guess” I wasn’t so sure about that being a dream life now. We finished the
cigarette and played poker (regular poker, not strip). I honestly just wanted to keep myself
busy, so I wouldn't run to Sean's room.

Second floor, third door on the left, He whispered it to me earlier before the group
therapy. And that was all I could think about.

“Stop the kicking” Franco complained.

“I can't help it. I'm too anxious” I said. After a few rounds we went to bed but I
couldn't sleep and neither could Franco thanks to me.

“We can't keep doing this,” he stood up and turned on the light, “We need to rest”

I sat up and watched him. His face looked better, the cuts had healed and his mouth
wasn't swollen anymore, his eye was only a little bruised. He sat down on his bed again and
our eyes met for a moment. You tend to bond with the people you share every day, and this
room was too small for us not to bond.

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“I'm glad your injuries are better” I said honestly. He smiled. He could smile now.
But the curious smile dropped and he looked away.

“How are yours? Your arms and your thigh”

I shrugged and took off my sweater. I was wearing a thin top underneath. “I don't see
them anymore, do you?” I showed him my arms. He deliberately approached me. Sitting on
my bed, he studied both of my arms, where the mark of his fingers had been once, but not
anymore.

“What about the...” he pointed down to my thigh. I was wearing pants, so was he. The
nigh was cold. I stood up and pulled my pants down just enough to see the scars. I didn't have
to bandage it anymore. He nodded and I pulled up my pants and put my sweater back on. Then
I sat back down beside him.

“Are you leaving me tomorrow?”

He laughed softly and took my hand. “I'm not going out every Sunday anymore, it's
too risky” he said gently. And that made me smile. I needed to be around someone to stay on
track. Someone I could trust. “Now let's sleep” he walked to his bed. But he turned around
with a huge grin and said “I'd forgotten to tell you, Michelle says your name during sex”

“Oh my god” I laughed nervously, “Does she really?”

He nodded laughing now too, “The first time was weird she was all Oh yes, Alex!” he
made the girly moan sounds and everything, “But the next times it was kind of a turn on”

“I don't know who is worse, you or her” I said and lay down, feeling my face really
hot. I was involved in their sex encounters and I was totally oblivious.

Still chuckling, he turned off the light and we tried to sleep.

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 ADDICT

Sunday's cold morning demanded me to drink hot coffee and so I did. Franco didn't
leave the Center like he promised but he did leave my side. Michelle took him with her to her
room --presumably. And I stayed in the lounge with a serious Katy and a chatty Lucas. He was
nice to talk to; he told me how much he missed his boyfriend. Jeremy was Lucas' boyfriend
and he had been very supportive with Lucas' addiction, he was addicted to cocaine and
gambling. That probably explained why he was the chatty one in that group. I kept talking
with him, and I was enjoying Sunday. The lounge started to get crowded; I saw Michelle was
back without Franco, I assumed he was in the room. Lucas said goodbye, he was sad after
talking so much about his love. And I was left alone with Katy, but not for long, Michelle
caught sight of us and walked to sit beside me. With that Katy stood up and left.

“She's still mad at me,” Michelle said, but she didn’t sound sad, “Well, I keep fucking
her guy so that probably doesn't help much”

“But doesn't she know it’s just sex?” I said.

“I don't think she sees it that way. She's sixteen, she believes in fairy tales”

Well, every fairy tale had a prince and in Katy's it also had a sex addict.

“I've been wondering, isn't having sex with Franco like relapsing?”

She let out a charming laugh, “Of course it is. That's why only people I trust know
about it” she purred leaning closer to me, “Besides, sex between patients is prohibit”

I didn't know that. Sex with Sean was even more wrong, and illegal, sort of. I wonder
how he got the drug into the building...

“...He likes me” Michelle's voice cut off my thought.

“I'm sorry, what were you saying?”

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 ADDICT

“That I don't think Franco likes me, so that is perfect for me. But honestly I don't
even know why he's doing it,” she paused, thoughtful, “I mean, I think he could have sex
addiction also” she added.

I thought about it. He’d been good to me, hadn't acted like a pervert or even tried
anything on me. “Well, I don't know Michelle,” I shrugged, “And I'm sorry I insist but aren't
you here to get better?”

She smiled, that heart-crashing smile of hers, “Of course I am, but a little bit is
nothing” she sounded so reasonable, “I mean, wouldn't you try it just one more time if you
could?”

I went mute with that, but she didn't notice and kept going.

“Because Heroin to you must be like sex it’s to me, right? I couldn't imagine myself
denying to something like that...”

I stopped listening. And with my eyes I scanned around the lounge but I didn't see
him.

“... Alex, are you okay?”

“Um, you know what? I don't think I am” I stood up, “I'll go get check with Patricia”

“Okay...” Michelle said a little disappointed I was leaving her. But I had to leave her;
I had a place to be. I walked through the hallway, and without giving it a second thought I
took the stairs.

Second floor, third door on the left…

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 ADDICT

Standing before the door I could feel my heart beating faster and my breathing getting
heavy. I knocked on the door and immediately he opened it. Surprise crossed his handsome
features and he rubbed his eyes like he had been asleep. Smiling, Sean stepped aside and let
me in. I walked in feeling light like a feather.

“No,” I said as he handed me a ready syringe, “I want to take it with me for later”

He shook his head, “I told you, just like you used to do it with Rick” he sat down on
the edge of the bed, “I want you to want me just like you wanted him”

I swallowed and before I could start considering and change my mind, I agreed. And
I realized how much I'd missed it. The pain and then the numbness following the rush, and the
sex... Well, I didn't miss that, not really. Especially not with someone like Sean, with his
obsession of being like Rick, and his 'Rick and me' fantasy. He wanted to have what Rick
protected so much for so long.

I didn't let Sean kiss my lips; I let him have his way with certain limitations. I let him
touch and lick. He wasn't as good as Rick in any way, of course. He was quicker, more
desperate like he hadn't fucked in a year, he probably hadn't. He used his tongue more than he
used his lips which were dry and hot. And minutes later he rolled over after he came.

Breathing heavily he said, “I didn't hear you”

Of course he didn't. I started to feel the high vanish, and I just wanted to pass out.

But not here...

“Did you come?” Sean asked breathless.

“Yeah... Sure. Twice” I murmured sitting up.

He caught my wrist and leaning closer, brushing his lips to my ear he whispered, “it
was just like I imagined it. No wonder Rick wanted you all to himself”

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 ADDICT

He was starting to make me feel horrible (more) by mentioning Rick so much.

“Um, I have to go now” I started to put my clothes back on. And he watched me with
lost eyes. “This won't happen again” I told him.

A knowing smile drew on his lips by an addict saying it was just this one time. “Sure”
he murmured and just like that he passed out. I hurried to the door and downstairs, fixing my
hair. Reality started to hit me as the rush washed off my body. The air wasn't enough for my
lungs, and I couldn't see clear enough. I started running, and got to the room. I opened the door
and saw a sleepy Franco. I collapsed right there finally letting my shaking legs give in.

“What is it? What happened?” a no longer sleepy Franco asked and he sounded
frightened. I tried to speak but I chocked. I had tears stuck on my throat and I couldn't...

“Why are you crying? What the hell happened?” Franco demanded shaking my
shoulders a little. I looked at him but didn't really want him to look at me.

“Micah,” I finally spoke, “I want you to... Get Micah, please”

He looked troubled like he didn't remember who Micah was.

“The one with the funny hat!” I shouted, “Get him, please!”

My despair must have moved something inside him and he quickly stood up and
walked out of the room. Once he was gone, I lay on the floor and cried, and cried. I hated
myself so much, I felt disgusting and empty and I had ruined everything. And for what? For a
little high, that only made me feel worse now that was over. Franco wasn't getting here quick
enough. I stood up, slowly and walked to the bathroom. I puked my guts out, my stomach
clenched, hurting every time I made a movement. I washed my teeth and Franco wasn't here
with Micah. I dared to look at the mirror. My face was wet with burning tears, I looked down
and splashed water on my face, and as I dried with a towel I heard the door open.

“Alex. It's me, Micah”

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 ADDICT

I stepped out of the bathroom and saw him. His golden hair illuminated his face and
he smiled sympathetically. My lips trembled as I wanted to tell him everything at once but I
couldn't. Franco stood behind Micah, looking very confused.

“I know,” Micah said taking my hand, and studying my face, “Come on”

He led me to my bed and told Franco to get something to drink and something to eat.
He didn't argue with him and giving me a long still puzzled last look he walked out of the
room closing the door.

“I... Just... And…” my voice trembled and I started sobbing. Micah sat down next to
me and put his arms around me.

“I know” he whispered. Could he really know? Didn't he think I was crazy?

“Everybody makes mistakes;” he told me, he sounded so comforting, “We all can fall into
temptation, even Angels can fall”

I pulled away slowly to dry my tears and I looked at him. He meant every word he
said. “But I--”

“It is part of the path God has planned for you, you can fall but you have to get up”
he whispered wisely. And I started to feel better just by his presence.

“Thank you” I said.

“You can call me whenever you want, he does listen”

I wanted to ask, why did he speak like that? But then Franco walked in with a
milkshake and a sandwich. He sat down on the other side of my bed. I was between Micah and
Franco now. I gratefully took the food and drink, I was hungry.

We remained silent as I ate, they weren’t hungry.

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 ADDICT

Micah was holding my hand but it was in a supportive way, so I let him. He was
making me feel better, somehow. I felt calm and I wasn't so miserable.

“Well, I am going to leave now” Micah announced standing up and taking my glass.

“Thank you” I said again.

He smiled at me and nodded to Franco, “Have a good night”

He left.

I expected Franco to bombard me with questions. Instead, he just stood up and

walked to his own bed. It was getting late after all, but seriously? He wasn't even a little
curious?

“I used again” I broke the silence. He sat up sharp and opened his mouth to speak but
closed it. “And I didn't want to tell you” I continued, “I felt horrible and stupid” I shook my
head. I didn't want to remember it. Mostly, I didn't want to tell Franco what I did, I didn't even
tell him who had given it to me, because I knew him and he would have gone to Sean's room
and kicked his ass. But that would only get Franco into trouble and it wasn't worth it.

“All right...” he said when I finished, “But, then why could you tell that guy Micah?”

I shrugged sheepishly, “I don't know”

He frowned slightly and then shrugged, “All right,” he said again, “Well, if you feel
bad again, wake me up so I can go look for Micah”

“I don't--”

“Good night, Alex” he said and lay down again.

I let the matter drop and tried to sleep. But I couldn't.

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 ADDICT

His memory burned in my brain, this memory especially.

“Nobody else can have you,” Rick's voice was trembling with passion and desire, “If
someone other than me ever touches you, I'll kill him” Pushing up my skirt and nearly ripping
off my tong he kept saying, “You can tell me, if somebody bothers you...”

I kissed him not really having an answer. I was oblivious to any man who wasn’t
Rick, he was my world. Everything rotated around him. He gave me what I need it for so little
in return: my body, myself.

“Tell me,” he breathed pulling down my top and caressing and kissing my breasts. I
wrapped my legs around his hips.

“I'm only yours” I said.

“Again”

“I'm only yours” I obeyed.

“Forever” he said unfastening his jeans.

“Forever” I repeated.

And like that I was his. Only that it wasn't forever.

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 ADDICT

SIX

“You’re not even a little curious?”

Franco had been absent all morning, physically he was next to me, sure and I knew he
was probably just being his serious self but something was telling me there was something
else.

“No,” he answered, and still he wouldn’t look at me. I kept drinking my cup of
coffee. After fitness therapy --where I nearly fainted-- we headed to the Cafeteria.

“All right,” I stood up and took my cup with me to the table where Michelle and Katy
sat, leaving Franco alone in the table.

“Trouble in paradise?” Katy's mocking tone made me look at her. She was looking at
Franco now. He had stood up and walked out of the Cafeteria.

“There's no paradise” I told her. Michelle laughed trying to ease the tension between
the Pink haired teenager and me. We were staring at each other defiantly.

“Are you done packing?” Michelle asked me with her charming tone. That broke the
stares.

“Shit, I forgot” I stood up.

“Do you want me to help you?” she offered immediately standing up too.

“Um... Yeah, sure” I said, having Michelle and Franco in the same room must be
something interesting to watch. Katy, feeling left out walked away to join Lucas and Nicole
-----who were sitting in the table next to us. Michelle was especially happy in the way to the
room. I liked her, she had a good aura around her or whatever. But at the same time it was

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weird to know she wanted me and said my name during sex. If what Franco said was true
anyway.

“They do this trip every winter” Michelle explained. I’d asked why was Richard
taking almost, say, thirty people to cabins in the woods in the middle of December? Michelle
said it was for survival experiences. Henry --the oldest one of us here-- had lived on the street
once before but he had survived with Meth. But now, we were on our own in the woods but
clean --No drugs. That should be interesting...

Franco's expression was just as funny as I thought it would be, maybe even more.
But just for a second, though. Michelle walked in the door with me, our arms intertwined and
we were smiling at each other as if having the best of times.

“Oh, you're here” I said pretending to be disappointed because the room wasn't
empty.

“Well, we can pack… For now” Michelle said giggling.

Franco frowned and then raised his eyebrows, “I can leave if you want” he fixed the
neck of his shirt and cleared his throat. Clearly uncomfortable, he even stepped back when
Michelle approached him.

“No. I really have to pack” I said and winked at him. He was packing too, enough
clothes for three days.

I was so not an outside person, let alone with this weather. But whatever, it wasn't
like I could choose not to go.

“We'll make bonfires,” Michelle beamed and then she gasped so dramatically it made
both Franco and I blink, “Maybe we get to stay in the same cabin!" she cheered excited.

Franco and I shared a quick look and we smiled secretively. The three of us in the
same cabin: funny.

Eneyda Prado
 ADDICT

Michelle noticed we had communicated a joke just with our eyes but didn't say
anything. She helped me pack, winter very warm clothes.

“There aren't bears there, are there?” I wondered and panicked a little. Bears terrified
me, even the ones in the zoo.

Michelle laughed shortly, “No. It’s a closed area, six cabins and pine trees around it,
that’s all”

“Oh, good,”

We finished packing and the three of us walked to the back of the Cafeteria to smoke.
We were supposed to leave at five p.m. And we were waiting for the yellow busses.

“Can you imagine if we get the same cabin...?” Michelle was saying.

I was looking at the distance where Sean was standing, smoking too. He saw me and
winked. Annoyed, I turned my face away and found Micah.

“Hey,” he said waving and walking toward me.

“Hey, what's up?” I said. Michelle was speaking to a very boring looking Franco; he
looked like he was seconds away to yawn.

“Nothing, just waiting for the transportation” said Micah. I introduced him to
Michelle and he greeted Franco, the -guy-greeting-way. And the busses made their appearance
just then. We walked --luggage in hand-- into the buss. Michelle sat with Franco and I sat with
Micah. He was wearing a blue hat today; it matched his sky blue eyes, eyes he didn’t take off
of me. I watched the cold and green view of my window, Micah was quiet today.

But I liked it, it was a peaceful silence.

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 ADDICT

After about forty minutes later we were in the cabins. We were distributed in the
same way we stayed in the Center. That, meaning Franco and I would share a room, and
Michelle wouldn't be in our cabin at all. Four more people stayed in that cabin with us. We
had ten minutes to walk in the room to settle down.

“And you thought you would get rid of me for the next three days, huh?” Franco
spoke at last when we were alone.

“Yeah... Mostly I was wishing Michelle would stay with us” I joked. And finally his
serious expression softened.

“Yeah, I was hoping that too” he grinned. We chose our bed and walked out of the
cabin because Richard called us to tell us the 'rules'.

“This is not a spa treatment,” Richard started, “This is survival therapy. The next few
days you'll learn how to help each other and most importantly how to help yourself”

“How excited...” murmured Franco next to me.

“It does sound excited” I said. But truly I just wanted to contradict him. I even smiled
and walked cheerfully when Richard told us our first activity: Get wood for a bonfire. And
even though Michelle promised there wouldn't be bears, I kept an eye on everything that
moved. But mostly all I did was carry the small pieces of wood Franco handed to me. I tried to
make a tipi figure with the wood and I could but they came back with more wood and threw it
over my tipi, destroying it.

“This is impossible” Erick said while striking two rocks together. Franco was trying
to create fire with a piece of wood but not even a tiny smoke came out of there. I reached into
my pocket.

“We can't do it like that,” Clarissa said, “It’s against the rules!”

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 ADDICT

“If we have followed the rules we wouldn't be here” I told her.

Franco dropped the piece of wood and Erick dropped his rocks and looking around to
be sure we wouldn’t get caught, they helped me lit the yet another tipi figure I’d made with the
lighter. And soon enough fire was created and our bonfire illuminated and warmed the cold
night that had fallen. I put the lighter back into my pocked and we called Richard.

He was inspecting the other bonfires. When he got to us he sighed as if he’d done this
too many times already and said, “I should have taken away all of your lighters” and he
walked away. That was hilarious, laughing we relaxed and enjoyed the evening.

Franco was actually socializing with the rest of the people staying in the cabin with
us. He was conversing with Erick and Clarissa. Sandra and Lucas were roommates too and
they were chatting about who was going to get which bed according to Feng Shui. As for me, I
leaned back in the cold ground resting on my elbows and tilting my head back I watched the
sky. I said I wasn't an outdoor person but what I did like about this kind of situations was that
the sky seemed to have more stars. I mean, the stars are more visible without the city lights. I
stayed like that for a while, ignoring the people around me. I just watched the dark sky and the
sparkling stars, like they were there just for me.

“Okay everybody, put out the bonfires, we need to get some rest” Richard said for all
of us to hear, “We have an early and very long day tomorrow”

And so I stood up with the rest. Erick and Franco put out the fire and we walked into
the cabin.

“You think he was kidding about the early long day?” I asked Franco after taking a
shower.

“Let's hope he was” he said and walked into the bathroom to shower too.

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 ADDICT

But Richard wasn't kidding. He was very serious in fact, at exactly five A.M. He
woke us up to get ready for a walk up to the hill, and there we went, half an hour we walked
and got to the hill. Exhausted and out of breath we watched the sunrise.

“That was to vitalize our body and our mind,” Richard said as the trainer helped those
who were hyperventilating.

“Now we go back and get ready for the next activity” Richard announced. We heard a
few groans and then we started walking back to the cabins.

“Hey, my lovers”

Franco and I recognized that voice pretty well now.

“Hey, Michelle,” I said smiling, “Who got to stay in your cabin?”

She shrugged, “I don't even know their names...Oh no, wait I do know one, his name
is Sean and his very hot”

I widened my eyes, no way was I letting Michelle go near him. “Do not go near him
Michelle” I told her. Both Franco and Michelle looked at me like I was a crazy person. “I
mean, I've heard bad things about him and...” There was no way to explain it, so I just said the
first thing that popped in my head. “I heard Richard saying he killed someone”

Michelle gasped, “Oh my god! And to think that I wanted to--” she shook her head.

“So, you won't go near him, right?”

“No, of course not”

“Promise?” I insisted.

“Yes, I promise” Michelle walked away, still horrified.

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 ADDICT

“You were lying” Franco accused.

“You don't know that...” I looked away from his dark eyes.

“Yes, I do” he assured me. The look he gave me almost made me believe he really
did know.

“You'll have one hour to take a shower and some rest, and then come back because
you're cooking your food” said Richard with a wide smile.

“I think he's enjoying this a little too much” I murmured annoyed. Franco said
nothing. After showering we rested in silence. I hated Franco's change of moods but whatever,
I wasn't about to explain him anything about Sean.

We were eating our beans and bread, and Franco wasn't speaking to me yet. So, I
joined Lucas and Sandra, she was Lucas' roommate and was staying in our cabin. She was
nice, other than a little too chatty but I guess it was just different for me, Lucas seemed
comfortable, but they couldn't blame me, my roommate was really quiet.

The food wasn't good, because we burned it; it was so bad it was funny. And stupid
too, we had to cook with a bonfire having a perfectly good kitchen in each cabin, Richard and
his Survival Therapy.

“We're making a big bonfire tonight,” Richard announced, “Real big, with
everybody's help and we'll have something like Group Therapy”

Nobody got excited over that, mostly because it meant we should walk into the
woods again to get firewood. And so they did. I waited for them to get it and pretended I was
still eating.

“I want you right now”

I turned around. He was the last person I wanted to see or hear or anything, really.

Eneyda Prado
 ADDICT

“Get lost, Sean” I hissed but looked around for help. No, neither Franco nor even
queer Lucas was near.

“Go to cabin four” he whispered stepping closer.

“Go away” I said stepping back.

“Come on... Don't make me beg...” he smiled knowing he really wouldn’t beg.

“Get the fuck away!” my hands into fists, whatever damage I could do with my small
hands, I was going to try. My left hand brushed the table and I looked down at id, I took a fork
and warned I would stab him if he walked any closer, which he did.

In a lower voice he said, “I'll even give you more for the same price” he laughed
softly and gripped my arm, strongly, it hurt, “I want you on your knees this time though”

Before I could snap at him, again, and truly stab him with the fork, he lost his grip
and stepped back like a kid being caught doing something he shouldn’t have been doing.

“Is there a problem here?” I nearly jumped by the sound of Franco's voice, it was
deep and scary. But Sean wasn't that threatened.

“I don't know,” he said, arrogantly, “Do you want it to be a problem?”

Franco was taller than Sean I noticed as they stepped in front of each other like Alpha
men about to fight for the land or to just fight.

“Stop” I said stepping between the two of them. Franco may be taller but Sean was
for sure high, so that made him stupidly stronger. I did not need to be the cause of another
fight.

“There is no problem, because Sean is leaving. Now” I said being squeezed by the
two of them, they were too close.

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 ADDICT

Sean snorted and then grinned, “Yep, I have to get ready for a... Especial someone”
he winked at me and with that he finally walked away.

“Franco...” I said once Sean was out of sight.

“You're fucking that guy, aren't you?!” I widened my eyes at him. He had shouted at
me, what the hell. “Is that why you wanted Michelle to stay away from him? You're jealous?”
he continued speaking a little too loud. But thankfully there was no one around.

“That is not even close from the truth” I said. Well, maybe it was a little true but I
wasn't fucking Sean. I had fucked him. Once. And I was trying to forget that, so it didn't even
count in my head. “But thank you" I added, “he was being annoying”

Franco's stone expression relaxed a little and he sighed “You're... welcome”

I smiled at him truly grateful. Who knows what would have happened if he hadn't
appeared. I probably would have stabbed damn Sean in the arm or... Would I’ve gone to the
cabin with him? That question terrified me, because I didn't know the answer...

The real big bonfire turned out to be a real HUGE bonfire. Which was nice, it was
cold, very cold and I guessed fire like that would keep the –according to Michelle
nonexistent-- bears away. I relaxed and despite Sean's presence not too far away from me, I
promised myself to enjoy the evening…But then therapy started and Richard asked me about
myself. I said things about me but tried to keep everything related to drugs away from my
words but apparently that wasn't what oh-so-encouraging Richard wanted to hear.

He kept pushing, “Were you pulled or forced into the addiction world?” And, “Did
someone ever try to get advantage of you because of your age?”

“God Richard!” I snapped after saying everything I could about the ‘Addiction
world’. “I don't want to talk about it! You have no idea what happened, it hurts too much!”

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 ADDICT

I didn't realize I was shouting and actually crying in front of everybody until I saw
Richard's expression and he stopped talking. Then I felt Franco's arms around me.

WYou can take her back to the cabin” Richard told Franco, “Patricia will be there in
a moment"

Franco gently helped me to my feet and led me to the cabin and into the room.
Silently, he picked clothes for me to wear and walked out of the room. I washed the tears off
my face and put on the clothes he'd chosen for me.

“I'm done, you can come in now” I said. And Franco stepped into the room again,
looking down he walked to his bed and there he sat for minutes.

Long filled with anxiety minutes.

“I'm fine” I broke the silence.

He looked at me then, he spoke “Funny, you’re always fine”

“You can choose to believe me or you can choose not to” I whispered looking down
at my hands not really daring to look into his eyes.

Franco sighed heavily and said, “Better yet, you can choose to tell me the truth”

Ouch, that hurt.

But it didn't matter, I couldn't tell him.

Not yet.

Eneyda Prado
 ADDICT

“Um, are we going to sleep now?” I asked tentatively. I wasn't sure of the hour. But I
guessed it was past midnight.

“I guess, we should…” he shrugged, “Unless...”

“Unless what?”

“I don't know,” he shrugged again, “Unless you have a place to be...”

I stood up and paced through the room. I Thought and wondered if I should tell him
about Sean and the fact that he continued with his job even when he was in a Rehab Center.
But telling him about Sean was telling him about me and about Rick and Josh and…

“Alexandra dear, can I come in?” Patricia’s voice from the other side of the door
interrupted my thought. And I was grateful.

“Yes, come in”

She checked me.

She checked my wrists, my arms, my legs, my back and my stomach. Franco was
quiet while she checked me. At last she found nothing and convinced enough I would be well
by the morning whatever it was that I had. A freaking pissed by being pressured to speak, that
was what I had. But I didn’t say that because I wanted her to leave me alone. And she did.

I wasn’t alone though, Franco was there and he was enough to keep me from going to
Sean. No matter how much he disgusted me, he still had something I liked. Yes, I still liked it.
As shameful as it was to admit it to myself, the tiny relapse I had was enough for me to want
more. Enough to get me sick too. I puked four times in the entire night.

Did I wake Franco? I didn’t know.

I just knew I couldn’t sleep and I kept reminding and remembering…

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 ADDICT

“It’s making me feel sick. I want to stop!” I shouted. I thought I could stop whenever
I wanted. Rick didn’t tell me that part.

“You’ll forget about the sick feeling as soon as I put my hands on you” Rick’s
seductive smile showed up, “You’ll forget. I promise”

He was so sweet to me, I believed him always. Over and over again I believed his
lies. “You do trust me, don’t you?” he said very so slowly taking off my blouse. The new
blouse he had bought for me. I nodded. I was hypnotized by his eyes. The rush was starting to
fill my body and all I wanted was his hands on me. “But I should tell you this,” he paused, his
fingers playing with the strap of my black bra.

“Tell me…” I whispered so low I could barely hear my voice.

“We are something hard to get over with,” he said at last, “You will always want
heroin and you will always want me” he spoke so convincingly, I didn’t dare to argue. And
without any preamble he made love to me.

I woke up with a headache so strong I just wanted to stay in bed, curled up and cry.
Memories of Rick were hunting me and I just couldn’t anymore. I had to tell someone or I was
going to go crazy, even more so. But who could I tell?

As I put on my clothes I thought of the people I could tell. No…

The only one I truly trusted enough was the one I didn’t want to tell at all --Franco.
He hadn’t told me anything about him that was as strong as what I wanted to let out of my
chest and my head. I wished I could just forget about everything.

“I thought you wouldn’t be up” Franco stepped out of the bathroom with a towel
wrapped around his waist. I wondered if he was doing it on purpose now, but then again he
said he thought I wouldn’t be up, he didn’t expect me to be here to see his very nicely shaped
chest and his not so big but very marked arms…

Eneyda Prado
 ADDICT

“Yeah, I just,” I shrugged, and smiled nervously, “I’m up”

“So, I see” a sexy smile drew on his lips. And with one slow movement he took off
the towel. I let out a little gasp in anticipation but then I was relieved –maybe not-- he was
wearing his boxers underneath the towel. Franco chuckled and ran a hand through his dark
chocolate hair. “I'll see you out there” he said after putting on his shirt and jeans.

Today's activity was cancelled because it snowed. A blanket of white snow covered
the ground. I was glad the activity was cancelled. I wanted to be in peace and preferably alone.

But I wasn't alone at all. Richard said we had to stay in our cabins and hopefully
tomorrow we could do today's activity. Michelle invited herself to our cabin, along with Katy
and… Sean.

“I couldn't tell him not to come,” she whispered, “I tried but he insisted and he really
doesn’t look like a murderer--”

“Sure Michelle,” I cut her off, “No problem”

And they played Cards –Poker. Sean, Franco, Michelle and Katy played. I stayed
away, in the kitchen, distracting myself making coffee. I heard them laugh and then I heard
annoying steps in the kitchen. Odd, but I knew who it was.

“I waited for you last night” Sean said from behind me.

“I do not have the mood for this, Sean” I poured coffee in a cup and didn't even look
at him when I spoke.

He rested his hands on my hips and breathed in my ear, “Let's do it now”

I turned around with cup with hot coffee in hand, “Stop touching me or I swear I'll
throw this hot coffee on you face” I warned.

Eneyda Prado
 ADDICT

His chest trembled slightly as he laughed and with one quick movement he took the
cup from my hand and put it on the counter, away so I wouldn’t reach it. And then he leaned
closer to kiss me. I turned my face away and saw Franco standing behind Sean.

“Go away, man,” Sean said without even looking back, still keeping me caged,
resting his awkwardly warm hands on my hips. I tried to tell Franco to help me with my eyes.
And he took a step forward. “We were just talking” he added. Finally, Sean turned around
releasing my hips. I sighed relieved.

“I don't care what you were just doing,” Franco said, genuinely annoyed, “I want
coffee and you're blocking it”

Sean smiled smugly and took me by the arm forcibly dragging me out of the kitchen
and in the hallway he pressed me against the wall and kissed me. Desperately.

“Stop or I'll scream” I barked, but it seemed to sound like puppy barks to him. He
deliberately touched my butt and squeezed it, and then he ran his other hand down my torso
and between my thighs. He kissed my neck.

“Go ahead scream,” He challenged, “I'm sure that friend of yours will stop me” he
kept printing little kisses on my neck and moved down to my collarbone.

“Okay, Sean,” I said urgently for him to back off, “We can do it. But not here and not
now”

He stopped and looked at my face, narrowing his eyes at me he said “You're fucking
with me again”

“Go to your cabin and to your room…” I said sensually, turning on the charm, “Start
without me and I'll be there before midnight”

This was the only way to stop him --a distraction.

Eneyda Prado
 ADDICT

"Fine,” he said, “But if you don't show up this time, I'll make sure your reputation is
known” he warned and kissed me one last time. Then he walked toward the living room to say
goodbye.

Grossed out, I walked back to the kitchen for my coffee that was probably cold by
now. There I found Franco. I took the cup of coffee and poured more to heat it up. Franco was
watching me carefully waiting for me to speak but I ignored him. I headed to the living room
and found the poker players and Lucas and Sandra. They were just talking now.

“I think we're leaving now,” Michelle announced after a moment, “It's getting late”

“What time is it?” Lucas wondered.

“It's almost midnight” Katy answered.

Shit! I jumped to my feet. What was I going to do?

“See you tomorrow" Michelle said and Katy followed her out the door. Lucas said
goodnight too and went to the room with Sandra. Franco stayed sitting there finishing his
coffee and then he stood up.

“You have to go, don’t you?” he said with his back to me.

“What?” was he asking me to leave?

“With Sean,” he said as if it was what I did every night, “he's waiting for you before
midnight, isn’t he?”

“What, you're friends with Sean now? You didn't seem to care he had me trap back
there” he didn’t help me and he’d heard our conversation, too.

He turned around, with a bored expression and tone he said “It didn't seem like you
needed or wanted my help”

Eneyda Prado
 ADDICT

I frowned at him, he didn’t know anything. I walked toward the room furious,
slamming the door behind me. I changed clothes to more comfortable ones and went to bed.

Franco didn't.

Eneyda Prado
 ADDICT

SEVEN

“He slept there?” Lucas asked in disbelief. I was in the kitchen having a bowl of
cereal when Lucas stepped in and told me he'd just seen Franco curled up in the couch.

“I guess” I answered.

“I wish I had seen him last night,” Lucas giggled, uncontrollably, “…I would have
kicked out Sandra and taken Franco to my room” He prepared himself a bowl of cereal and sat
beside me. But I had finished so I stood up.

While I washed the bowl Lucas spoke, “You should wake him up soon. Mr.
Donnelly’s taking us to the lake”

“Great” I said under my breath. I walked to the living room to wake Franco but he
was already awake, sitting up and stretching. “How did you sleep?” I asked with my arms
folded in my chest. He didn't answer, didn't even look at me.

What, silent treatment?

I sighed and unfolded my arms, “Look, Franco you didn't have to do this, I mean it's
not like--”

“That's fine. I didn't mind” he cut me off, because he knew what I was going to say,
it’s not like we’re a couple. “I just felt like sleeping here all right...” he added. He stood up and
looked at me then.

“All right” I said. Silence fell. And awkwardness hung between the two of us.

“Lucas said Richard is taking us to the lake” I spoke at last. He nodded but I didn't
think that was what he wanted to hear. Then he walked to the room to get ready.

Without a word.

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 ADDICT

Lucas and I walked outside and waited for the rest to join Richard and everybody. We
walked to the lake. Walked!. Through the trees.

Richard told us to bring a bottle of water --how thoughtful of him-- and about twenty
minutes later we stopped in front of the little lake. I was expecting a huge lake. How
disappointing. The water was crystalline almost transparent. It looked very pure, and it was
about to become ice for sure. I took a drink of my water and froze by Franco's next words.

“Didn't you say this was a closed area, Michelle?”

I gulped and looked around panicked and prepared to find a huge bear about to attack
us. Instead, I found a deer, a lovely and innocent deer, drinking by the lake. Paranoid much?

“It is,” said Michelle and then a little less sure she added, “At least the area where the
cabins are”

So, bears could be around now. Not just an innocent deer. I wanted protection; my
first option would have been Franco. But not right now. I didn’t think he was an option. I
clenched my fingers in the first arm I saw. And it was Erick's.

I looked up at him, “I am terrified of bears” Like that explained why I was digging
my nails in his leather Jacket. Erick looked ready to yank his arm and tell me to stop touching
him. But instead he just nodded and said nothing.

We made a circle around Richard.

“We are playing today” he announced. We all shared the same expression that said:
Playing in the fucking lake?

“We are not swimming” Richard clarified. He motioned to Patricia and she handed
him the rope she'd been holding. And then we knew. What the game was.

We were separated --two groups of fourteen each.

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 ADDICT

“This is team work,” Richard told us, like a coach would his students, “The trick is to
help the person before you and the one behind you"

I walked at the end of the line but the joke was on me because we were positioned by
height. I ended up somewhere between the middle, far away from the end as I'd intended but
not close enough to the lake. If we fell, I wouldn't touch the water, there were five persons
before me. We started pulling the rope, lightly at first, not really caring about the game. I
noticed Erick was behind me, he moved from his assigned spot. He should have been almost at
the end. I was sure he popped up in the line but he didn't seem to care. Then we were pulled
forward. And the real game started.

“Yeah, come on!” I heard Richard encourage. We pulled the rope and they pulled
harder. Then they pulled so hard I almost fell --almost. Erick grabbed my arm steadying me
and he pulled me up so easily I might as well weigh nothing. He put both hands on the rope
again and pulled so hard our own line stumbled back. Knowing we had a second of advantage,
I held the rope and pulled. I saw Franco in the group across the lake; he was staring at me.
And Sean was before him pulling harder and staring too. I was so angry at them --more at
Sean. Franco was being a jerk. But Sean was getting me sick with his threat.

I'll tell your reputation. What's my reputation anyway? I should be scaring him with
threats; he had drugs in the freakin’ Rehab Center, for god’s sake!

I didn't think there was anything worse than that. And I didn't think it was because of
me, I mean Erick did almost everything, but we won.

Smiling for the first time to Richard, I asked “What's our price?”

He grinned almost mischievously, “This” he said and spread his arms, “Accomplish a
goal and the satisfaction of helping the ones in need”

Ugh, SHIT. That was what we won, just shit.

Eneyda Prado
 ADDICT

My smile faded and with no more to say to Richard, I turned around. I took a few
steps away and reached into my pocked sighing for the need of nicotine. I lit up a cigarette and
smoked.

“You share?”

I looked next to me and up to Erick's face.

“Sure” I handed him the pack. And we smoked in silence for a moment.

“What did Franco do to you?” he asked.

I looked at him, surprised. “Nothing, why?”

“Please,” he laughed softly and took a long drag, “You've been staying away from
each other as much as you can”

I didn't say anything. And that only confirmed his assumption.

“That's all right” he said after a moment, “He shouldn't be the only one you hang
around with” He threw the remains of the cigarette to the snow and that was when Richard
called us to go back to the cabins.

In the way back I heard rumours that if it snowed again tonight, we weren't leaving
tomorrow morning. I walked with Lucas and Sandra; they were so into their conversation they
didn't notice I wasn't saying anything about colors for a room. Magenta or baby blue,
apparently Lucas was moving in with his boyfriend as soon as he was out of Rehab. That was
enough motivation for him to get better, I thought. What did I have? Nothing. Well, not
nothing, my mother and Diana were waiting for me. But things wouldn't be the same,
everything would be different. No more drugs and crazy nights out.

But most importantly... No more Rick.

Eneyda Prado
 ADDICT

“So soon and you have a client” said the most annoying voice. Sean. Lucas and
Sandra stopped and turned around just like I had.

“What?”

We were in front of our cabin. I told Lucas and Sandra to go ahead without me. They
hesitated, whether for concern or because they wanted gossip. I didn't know.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I demanded, my fury just seemed to please
him.

“What, you thought he was being nice just cuz?” he jerked his chin toward the left.
Erick and Henry were talking near us. “I waited for you last night, by the way” Sean stepped
closer to me, in the slow way he liked to do it, like a tiger approaching his prey, “You left me
waiting, all turned on” he shook his head slowly, “Bad, bad, Alex” He was very close to me
now and he gripped my arm. The sweetness was gone, “Now you listen to me little whore, I
am not like Rick, I will not--”

“Of course you're not!” I snapped. That seemed to hurt. But before he could snap
back I said, “Does Richard know about your past? Or the fact that you kept your old job”

He loosened the grip on my arm, just a little, “Does he know your past?”

“Of course” I lied.

He snorted, “You're not going to scare me with a little threat. It takes more than that”

But somehow it didn't seem like my threat was so lightly on him. Some part of him
knew I could do it. And that part was scared.

“Well, I will keep my mouth shut if you keep yours shut as well, and keep your hands
off of me while you’re at it”

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 ADDICT

We were so close and intimate that it didn't look like we were arguing.

“I still have something you want” he reminded me.

“Keep it” I yanked my arm and turned around and stupidly ran into Erick’s broad
chest. I looked up at him to apologize but he was looking behind me. I looked back at Sean
and he was stepping back. Oddly enough, he walked away without a last warning.

“Why were you talking to that worm?” Erick asked once Sean was out of sight.

“No reason, he was just bothering me” I said and started walking to the cabin.

“He's been bothering you? How?”

Sexually, I thought immediately. But I didn't say anything, because I would have to
explain a lot. “No. Really, it was nothing, it doesn't matter" I said shrugging. We walked
through the door. We found Lucas, Sandra, and Clarissa talking about the game. Clarissa
wasn't happy, she was in the other team, and she had lost.

“That's Mr. Donnelly's plan, you know?” Erick said whilst cooking, “To distract us
from our addiction. You know... The cabins, the lake, the game...”

“It's working” I murmured hearing how the others were still babbling about the game.

“Wow, I didn't know you could cook” I said amazed. Erick had finished cooking, it
looked and smelled delicious.

“Oh my god” gushed Lucas walking into the kitchen. Sandra and Clarissa were
behind him, they had all followed the smell. We ate the delicious stake and rice.

They complemented Erick's cooking and after washing their dishes, they left to the
living room again. I stood up and washed Erick's plate and mine, then I served more food in
another plate.

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 ADDICT

“You're still hungry?” Erick wondered.

I shook my head, “I think Franco might be hungry”

“Ah,” he said and headed to the living room with the rest.

I knocked on the door of the room with my free hand. “Franco...” I didn't dare to just
open the door. What if he was naked? But why would he be naked?

I opened the door and nearly dropped the plate. Franco and... Katy?

They weren't naked but they were getting hot and heavy. She pulled apart when she
saw me and looked away embarrassed, she tried to stand up but Franco held her down by the
wrist.

“Yes?” Franco said breathing heavily.

“I thought you might be hungry” I said feeling like an idiot. And by his expression,
he seemed to feel like one too. He released Katy and she jumped to her feet buttoning her
shirt. Her face turned just as pink as her hair. She walked out of the room without a word; she
didn't even look at me. I felt like a mom catching horny teenagers. Which she certainly was,
just a teenager, but Franco?

“Thanks” he said taking the plate from my hand. I turned around ready to leave the
room. “What, you're not going to say something?” he stopped me.

I looked over my shoulder and said, “I don't care.”

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 ADDICT

In the living room, they were talking about their experiences. It was like a mini group
therapy session.

“But it wasn't like that,” Sandra was saying, “My friends, they didn't help me, they
walked away and closed the door”

“I know,” said Lucas, sadly, “If it weren't for Jeremy, I would be dead by now”

“What about you Alex?” Clarissa blurted. And they all looked at me. I closed my
eyes wanting to disappear. “You never say anything in group therapy” she added. If it weren't
for her blonde innocent girl façade, I would have sworn she meant that to make me feel
uncomfortable.

“Didn't you go to that Christian School?” I asked her. She widened her eyes and then
just nodded. That was a very prestigious Christian school, I remembered.

“Was there where you started with Cannabis?” Lucas asked, very intrigued. And like
that, the conversation went on about Clarissa and her experience.

“How did you know that?” Erick whispered to my ears only.

“I saw her once,” I whispered back, “At a guy’s house... I don't remember when but I
remember enough to know she’s no saint” Not that any of us were. But still.

It was getting colder even though we had the fireplace on. I could see it was still
snowing. The view of the window announced it was almost Christmas.

“You're good” Erick told me. I was closer to him and he had put his arm over my
shoulders, sort of to give me shelter with his body and sort of to just be close to me. Lucas and
Sandra were practically cuddling and Clarissa was embracing herself as she spoke.

We were very close to the fireplace but it was very cold anyway.

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“Hmm?”

“You distracted them. They didn't push the matter, so you didn't have to say whatever
you're hiding” he said. I laughed nervously and looked at the clock in the wall. 10:17.

“I'm going to bed” I announced.

“Oh yeah, me too” Lucas said shuffling a yawn. We said goodnight and headed to the
rooms.

“Hey...” Erick said in the hallway, he looked like he wanted to say something but
didn’t quite know how.

“Yeah?”

“If Franco's still not speaking to you and you want to talk, I, um, you can talk to me”
Had Erick just turned shy?

“Thank you,” I said honestly, “I'm here too...” I half meant the last, he seemed to
noticed but he smiled anyway. And we walked into our rooms.

Franco was lying in his bed. I took off my shoes and lay on my bed quickly getting
under the covers. There was no fireplace in the rooms.

“You really have nothing to say?”

“No, Franco. I want to sleep” I murmured.

“You must have an opinion about Katy” The fuck I did. But I wasn't in the mood.
“Come on, why are you refusing to bitch me about it?”

“Jesus, Franco!” I snapped sitting up on my bed and turning to him, “Have you lost
your mind? She's sixteen!”

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“I wasn't going to fuck her,” he said as if that would make it better, “I just heard she
likes me” he tried to look innocent, which kind of worked.

“You're a jerk” I said.

“Perhaps,” he conceded, “But only to other girls, I wouldn't be a jerk to you”

“You are being a jerk to me!” my voice echoed in the room of how loudly I spoke.

Silence fell.

I almost lay back down but he spoke, “What about Sean?”

There. That was all he wanted, that was why he wanted to argue with me.

“What, you're asking if we fucked? Well, yes we did”

He looked straight into my eyes. That was mean, mean, mean. And though we were
at a far distance, I thought I saw something in his eyes, something like disappointment.

But that was what he wanted, wasn't it?

“I don't like that guy” he said after a long moment.

“So, what? You have no right to even have an opinion” It sounded like I was
defending Sean against being judge wrongly. I wasn’t.

“You bitched me about Katy” he argued.

“Because you practically begged me to. Besides, sleeping with Katy is a crime. I
don’t bitch you about Michelle, do I?”

He didn't say anything, not for a long moment. Again I was going to lay back down
when he spoke, “I wish you trusted me enough to tell me what you're not saying”

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 ADDICT

Deep down inside, I wished that too.

He turned off the lamp and lay down on his bed concluding the night chat. I lay down
too, closed my eyes and tried to sleep.

The next morning was colder, I was sure it had snowed during the night.

“Hey” I said. Erick was making coffee.

“Hey...” he said looking carefully at his cup, “Oh,” he looked at me then, as if he’d
just remembered what he needed to tell me, “Mr. Donnelly’s just announced we're not leaving
yet. He thinks maybe we could go back before night time but that is, if the Radio-news dude
says it's okay. I don't really think we will, because the busses will probably need some fixing
and the roads need to be clear. So, maybe… I don’t know, maybe we could do something fun
tonight. Um, if Mr. Donnelly doesn't have anything planned yet of course”

That was the most I'd ever heard him say.

“So... Do you, --Think we could?” he said tentatively, “Do something tonight?”

I was staring like an idiot and my lips were parted but didn't make any sound. “I--
sure, maybe” I said at last showing I was capable of thinking and formulating words.

“All right,” he said turning back to his cup, “You want coffee?”

“Yeah” I said still taken aback.

The morning continued and we drank coffee and had a sandwich. While he said
random short comments about the weather or about our roommates, I was thinking and
wondering: why was Erick doing this? Did he like me or was it because of what Sean may or
may not have said to him?

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 ADDICT

Whatever the reason, I decided it was okay. He’d defended me before, he couldn’t be
that dangerous. I mean, he was as huge as a mountain but he didn’t look like he wanted to hurt
me...

“I knew you wouldn’t want to go out there, because of the nonexistent bears so…”

“Your room?” I asked and held a smile as he headed to the hallway.

“No,” he said, “The living room, I’m just getting the pack of cards”

“Oh,” I turned around feeling my face hot, and headed back to the living room. It was
surprisingly empty. Sandra and Lucas were in Michelle’s cabin. Franco, I didn’t know, he
wasn’t talking to me again. That left Erick and I alone in the cold cabin. He saw me sitting on
the floor next to the fireplace and chuckled.

“What?”

“Nothing” he said and sat down across from me, the coffee table in the middle. We
played in silence.

But only for a moment, he cleared his throat and said, “So, what’s the deal with
you?”

Like I was going to tell, “Gin” I said.

“We were playing gin?” That ended the game, we weren’t even paying attention. And
the conversation started. “My story is lame, I was… bored” he said, then smiled, “I want to
hear yours”

“Oh, stop it Richard” I teased, he sounded like Richard pushing me to tell ‘my story’.
I reached into my back pocket and pulled out my cigarettes. “Want one?”

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 ADDICT

He did. I lightened up two cigarettes, handed one to him, he watched me the whole
time, carefully, as if I could stand up and run. I was only gaining time. And he knew it.

“What did Sean tell you?” I asked after the first drag. The corner of his lips turned up
and his eyes narrowed a little.

“He said you liked to charge for your company” Erick said. That was what I
expected. But I still didn’t understand Erick. What did he want?

“And did you believe him?” I asked, the cabin was darker now. The sun was down. It
took him a moment to answer.

But at last he said “I don’t believe anything”

“Then it doesn’t matter what I say, if I tell me my story you won’t believe it” I said.

He laughed, “But you still won’t tell me, will you?”

I shook my head, “It’s not personal, I’m just…”

“Not ready,” he finished. “I get it. Man, it must be something hard to keep it to
yourself”

I shrugged as if I couldn’t help but to do that, and it was true at some level, I needed
to keep it to myself, as long as I could. And if I was going to let it out, it wouldn’t be with
Erick. So maybe, it was personal. But I truly was not ready.

We smoked two more cigarettes and then stood up.

We had heard noise in the front. When we opened the door we found Sandra and
Lucas talking on the steps.

“Hey, we’re leaving tomorrow morning” Lucas said with an annoyed motion of his
hand. Nobody wanted to leave, I bet. Returning to the Center was the last thing I wanted to do.

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“We better get to bed now. We’re leaving at six A.M.”

“Richard is seriously messed up” I said. And we walked into the cabin and to our
rooms to be rested for tomorrow.

***

A boring looking Franco woke me up, with a “We’re leaving”

I stood up and stumbled to the bathroom, whatever time it was, Franco was already
dressed and ready. I didn’t shower, it was too cold. I just brushed my teeth, and hair. He had
waited for me, which was unexpected. I didn’t think he would have the decency of waiting.
But we didn’t speak, not until we were waiting for the bus. A muscle of his jaw tightened and
he grabbed my arm, not too strong to hurt but not very gentle, either. He dragged me a few
feet away. Michelle and Erick saw us and I smiled assuring them it was okay. But was it?

“What?” I said when he released me.

“I want to, talk to you” he said. It looked like it was so hard for him to speak to me
again. He wasn’t even looking at me. He stood in front of me looking up avoiding my face,
my eyes.

“Okay,” I said and waited. He ran a hand through his hair and straightened his back.
He looked awkward.

“I don’t want us to be,” he sighed frustrated, “I don’t want us to be fighting. We’ll be

freakin’ sharing a room again and I just--”

“All right,” I cut him off and finished his misery. He almost smiled --almost.

“All right” he said back.

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We got to the busses and sat together. Katy didn’t seem to like that, she wanted
Franco to herself.

Michelle said to Franco, “I’ll miss you my darling”

He actually smiled at that. Finally. We drove back to our temporary home.

The Rehab Center.

I didn’t realize I had fallen asleep until Franco’s shoulder moved a little.

“We’re here” he said. I made a saliva check with the back of my hand and forced
myself to open my eyes wider.

“Fantastic” I murmured. We got out, waited for our luggage and stepped into the
building. It was quiet, but somehow it didn’t feel lonely. I didn’t like that feeling. I couldn’t
like to be here, I was going to leave, as soon as I could. I didn’t want to stay here like Franco,
for months and be in and out for years. I couldn’t, and I wouldn’t start to like it.

Sean’s piercing eyes were stabbing my back as I walked up the stairs. Franco walked
right beside me and looked over his shoulder at Sean with that stone face he liked to show
when he was angry. Warning, he was warning Sean.

“If we’re starting this friends-thing again,” Franco said, “We should, I don’t know.
Clear things up”

“Yeah, we are all about clearing things up” I laughed. He didn’t. “God, you need to
learn how to relax dude, no wonder you were a drunk”

That probably wasn’t the nicest comment from me. But he surprised me by smiling.

“That kind of sincerity is what we need to have in our new friends-thing” he said.

“Stop calling it that. We are not friends. We’re roommates in a weird situation”

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 ADDICT

“You offend me. Of course we are friends” he claimed. But still, we thought about it
for a moment. Both of us. What the hell were we?

“Maybe if we do it, we can call each other friends with benefits” he joked.

“Okay, I’ll let you call it the friends-thing” I said rolling my eyes. He laughed at last.
And walked to the door and locked it. I frowned at that but didn’t say anything. I stepped off
my shoes and took off my sweater and jeans.

He looked at me in a funny way and said, “I was joking about the friends with
benefits part”

“Shut up, I’m putting on more comfortable clothes” I walked on my panties to my

suitcase.

“Are you planning to sleep?” he wondered as I put on a pair of pants. I shrugged and
walked to the bed, lay down and stretched to hold on a pillow.

“Richard got us way early out of bed,” I said with a yawn, “It’s not even nine in the
morning, is it?”

“Not even nine in the morning,” he confirmed, “But you’re not sleeping”

I looked up at him. He sat on the edge of his bed and didn’t seem to be joking.

“I’m not?”

“Nope, we’re doing the friends-thing” he persisted.

“Later,” I said and closed my eyes, “Besides the friends-thing can involve sleeping” I
opened my eyes to see him watching me with a raised eyebrow, “You know --separately” I
clarified. He laughed low in his throat by my quick clarification and lay down on his bed.

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 ADDICT

I woke up alone later in the day. Franco wasn’t in his bed. It was made and
everything. I sat up on the bed. “Franco…”

He wasn’t here. I stood up and stumbled to the bathroom, and took a cold shower.
Sunday was the ‘day off’ for the ones with permission to go out. And shit!

I changed quickly and hurried to the Cafeteria and scanned around looking for
Franco.

“Alexandra, drink up” Patricia handed me the small cup with a beige-tick liquid.

“How long am I going to take this crap?” I said after drinking it, chewing was more
precise.

She took the cup from my hand and shrugged, “Ask Dr. Hyatt”

“I will, don’t you think I won’t” I said as she walked away. I found Franco and
sighed relieved. He didn’t leave. That was good, the last thing I needed was him leaving and
relapsing.

“There you are,” he said as he saw me, “You don’t know what time it is, do you?”

“Not a clue,” I agreed. I looked out the large windows. And saw the sun up with
misty clouds of winter around. But still not a clue what time it was.

“It’s past two in the afternoon,” he said, and gave me an empty cup. He was sitting
alone, the Cafeteria was almost empty. The ones --who could go out-- went out. I only saw
three girls there. The rest were probably asleep, resting from the trip and from Richard’s
games. I walked to where the pot sat on a table. I poured coffee in the cup and took some
cookies.

“Why didn’t you wake me?” I asked Franco as I sat down beside him.

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 ADDICT

“You seemed to be sleeping so peacefully,” he said, “Were you?”

I thought about it. I didn’t remember dreaming about anything. But sleeping
peacefully? I don’t think so. Not in this place.

“I’m rested if that’s what worries you” I answered. We took our cups to the back of
the Cafeteria, and sat down on one of the many empty tables.

“I do worry about your sleeping” he said.

“Huh,” I said and sipped some coffee, “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful
friendship”

“Cliché much?” said a voice behind us. Franco and I looked over our shoulders to
find Katy with her Pink hair pulled back in a too tall ponytail.

“Hi Franco, I was looking for you” she said. He ignored her so harshly it was
awkward to watch. I almost elbowed him, almost; I was too cold to move.

“Anyway,” she was capturing his disregard but kept on asking, “Want to… go with
me to-- do something?”

I almost felt sorry for her. Franco didn’t look back at her again. He sipped his coffee,
his back to her. Her cheeks turned pink either from the cold air of the humiliation.

“No,” he said. Katy walked away. Her steps were so strong that almost crashed the
wooden floor. I didn’t say anything even though I was dying to.

How could he do that?

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 ADDICT

“Go on say it, let it out” Franco said when we finished the coffee.

“How can you do that? She’s a kid. She doesn’t deserve you treating her like that. For
all you know maybe she thought you were her boyfriend or something. And there you go
crashing her heart with the coldest No”

He took my cup and his, stood up and walked into the Cafeteria. I stayed there and
waited. He returned with fresh hot coffee and sat down.

“So,” he said, “Are you saying you want me to fuck her?”

“Do I have to want it?”

“No,” he said, “Only if you want to be involved, of course. Don’t you like them with
Pink hair?”

“Again with the friends with benefits thing” I narrowed my eyes at him.

“Not at all, we were talking about my relationship with Katherine”

“You’re in a relationship now?”

“According to you I am,” he said. Then he smiled. He was so enjoying this.

“Maybe you should talk to the poor girl. She hates me as it is. You’ve just made it
worse”

He frowned. Then raised his eyebrows in a funny way, “She does not hate you,” he
said, “She feels threatened by you”

I laughed. But stopped. It didn’t seem to be funny to him. “Why?” I wanted to know.

He kept looking at me as if it were stupid from me not to know this already.

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 ADDICT

“I’m not sure,” he admitted, “She said she saw you once, but that was all I could get
out of her. Maybe you did something to her and don’t remember”

I didn’t speak. Now Katy had seen me before? What the hell…

I parted my lips to say something, but didn’t. Franco noticed my hesitation.

“Or maybe she does hate you, I don’t know” he said.

“Yeah,” I said conclusively. He changed the subject. I had four cigarettes left, this
pack lasted me more because Franco was being distant to me and we didn’t smoke together.

But now we did.

“Now,” he took a drag, “Tell me about fuckin’ Erick”

“What about him?” I exhaled the smoke. And shivered. As the sun came down, also
did the degrees. It wasn’t snowing like in the cabins but it was very cold.

“I heard he took my place while we were in the cabins” he said with that sarcastic
smile.

“He’s all right” I said.

“Speaking of the devil,” Franco put down the cigarette and stood up, “See you later”

I didn’t have to turn and see, I knew Erick was walking out the doors of the Cafeteria.
And soon enough he took a seat next to me. Ironically enough, he sat down where Franco had
been sitting. I wondered how rude would it be if I stood up and left. No time to think it.

“I was kind of looking for you,” he said to my surprise, “I wanted to talk to you”

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 ADDICT

I wasn’t as rude as Franco had been with Katy but I wasn’t as sociable as I had been.
At first. When I finally gave in, I asked to at least be inside in a warmer place, if he really
wanted to talk to me, that warmer place ended up being his room.

Clarissa was there, listening to her iPod and browsing a magazine, gladly ignoring us.

“I lied to you,” he said, suddenly. I sat down on his bed and waited for him to do the
same. He sat down and looked at me.

“You don’t want to talk?” I asked.

“Yes, I do. I lied to you when I said Sean just said that--”

“Ah,” I looked at Clarissa. She seemed to be focused on the music and magazine.

“He said you…” he lowered his voice, “Do you, have?”

“Do I, have-- what?” I said and realization hit me, “I don’t. Trust me”

Sean wanted to have the blame of drug dealing in the Center on me. To ensure
himself, in case he got caught, he must have told as many as he could.

“Really?” Erick sounded disappointed. It was a great disappointment to me too. I

thought he was here to get better. But if I thought about it, I haven’t spoken to one person in
here who wished to get better and really truly quit.

“Yes, I’m sorry” I said. It was sad to know that I was one of those people who didn’t
want to stop. Not really, not yet.

I left.

I didn’t let him walk with me to the room. It was close to his room, just a few steps
down the hallway. I didn’t know that.

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 ADDICT

“I didn’t think you were here” I said closing the door behind me. Franco was lying in
bed, looking at the ceiling. He sighed at the sound of my voice. Not in a romantic way but in a
relief motion, as if he were glad I was back.

“Did you fuck him?” he asked still looking up.

“Why is everything about sex?” I said and walked to sit down on my bed, “And no, I
didn’t”

“Good,” he said and blinked as if he hadn’t meant to say that out loud. He sat up. “I
mean, good you’re back” he said quickly, “I wanted to tell you, I talked to Katy”

I was interested in that, for what Erick had just said to me, Katy could have the wrong
information about me too. Fucking Sean.

“What did you tell her?”

“That I wasn’t her boyfriend and that what happened in the cabins should never
happen again” he said in a rush, wanting to get it over with. He wasn’t good with feelings.

“That’s… good” I said, “Were you at least nice to her? What did she say?”

He sighed again, “I was as nice as I could manage, and… she--she didn’t say
anything, she just cried, a little…”

That was normal, I guessed. It certainly was for the best. She should get an
opportunity to love, once she was out of here. She was --somehow-- still innocent.

Franco seemed to feel better too, after clearing things up with her. If he wanted sex,
there was Michelle. At least she was legal, over 21 and honestly prettier.

“I’m sleepy” I said after a moment.

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“You slept half the day, are you serious?” He had stood up and walked to the door, he
locked it. He didn’t do that before.

“What is it with the locking?” I asked. He looked back at the door as if checking the
lock. And then he looked at me.

“I don’t know. I just want us to be secured” he said serious. He saw my blank

expression and with a lazy less serious tone he added “I mean, what if some of my chicks
comes in and does things to me”

“Wouldn’t you just hate that?” I said and let out an enormous yawn.

“Oh man, you were serious. You are sleepy” he said.

“I am” I whimpered.

“All right, all right” he lay down on his bed and under the covers, “I’ll turn off the
lamp”

He did. The room was quiet, and dark. But, I could see his face and his eyes open as
he watched me.

“Let’s sleep” I said. He smiled. He could see me too.

“Separately” he said. It was my turn to smile. He closed his eyes. I did too.

And for what it seemed to be a very long time, I finally slept tranquilly and
peacefully.

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 ADDICT

EIGHT

“Merry fuckin’ Christmas” Franco said. I groaned. Not my favorite holyday. I didn’t
like holydays to be precise. Holydays are excuses to drink and eat like crazy, if you’re an
adult. And don’t get me wrong I’d like some of that drinking. But here?

When I was a kid Christmas was way better, the excitement of waiting for fat Santa
Klaus and then ripping off the presents. Those were the days...

“Yay…” I said sarcastically enough for Franco to notice and sat up on the bed. I
watched him. He was dressed. Plain blue Jeans and a black t-shirt that fit him very nicely, and
he smelled like aftershave.

“Are we doing something?” I wondered. He sat on his bed and observed me, with that
funny look he had been getting lately.

“My father will visit, later in the night” he said, “And Mr. Donnelly arranges dinner.
You know --turkey and all”

“He spends Christmas here?”

“He pretty much lives here,” Franco said, “His parents died and then --you know...
his brother…”

That was just sad. Even for annoying Richard. “I’m staying here,” I said. My tone
didn’t leave space for argument. But he did anyway.

“You can’t just stay here all day,” he said, “You have to go to the Cafeteria and help
with the decoration” he grinned, “And I bet your mom will come too”

“Fuck” I stood up and slammed the door of the bathroom behind me.

“Hurry!” I heard Franco say from the other side of the door.

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“I hate this,” I murmured. Franco helped me get down of the small ladder. We were
hanging mistletoes on every corner, just like Patricia had ordered.

“Why did they wait until it was the day?” I groaned and complained again.

“We were in the cabins,” Franco said logically, “We got stuck there two more days
than planned, remember?”

“Yeah, yeah” I held the grumpy expression.

“Shit, I just figured who you are” he said as if discovering a secret.

“What?” I said, puzzled. The second mistletoe was hanging and Franco helped me
down again.

“You’re the Grinch” he said and grinned.

“You know? I do not like this friends-thing” I said.

He laughed, “Well, suck it”

The third mistletoe was hanging. He helped me down, but I stepped wrong and he
caught me, his hands holding my hips, and my hands on resting on his broad chest. We stayed
like that for a second, motionless. He saw me and then looked up. I didn’t have to look up to
see, that the mistletoe was right above our heads. I let out a shaking laugh and he pulled me
up, I straightened my back and he cleared his throat awkwardly. The moment was gone; if
there had been one at all.

“Just one more left” he said, and handed me the last mistletoe.

“I got it” I said taking it from his hand, I waited for his response.

“Right” he said and blinked twice. There was a moment of breathless silence. “I’ll get
us some coffee” he said.

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“I don’t work holydays, get lost” I said. Sean had taken the opportunity to approach
me when Franco stood up for a second refill of coffee.

He laughed, took a seat, and said, “I’m not here to do business”

“You and I don’t do business, you better clear that with your clients” I said. I wished
Franco would hurry with that coffee.

“Relax…” Sean said.

“Are you having visits today?” I asked. He was dressed up for the holyday too. All in
black, with a burgundy jacket.

“Some of my girls are coming,” he said nonchalantly, “Why, are you jealous?”

Franco was back. He sighed annoyed. Sean was probably the last person he wanted
sitting at the table with us.

Go, I mouthed to Sean. Franco put my cup on the table, and he remained standing,
piercing Sean’s back with his narrowed eyes as he sipped the coffee. Sean reached into his
coat and pulled out a small, square, black velvet box.

“What the hell is this?” I said. That brought Franco’s attention.

“For you,” Sean said and winked. Before I could throw the little box at his face, he
stood up and left.

Franco and I stared at the little box as it might bite. He hadn’t spoken and I hadn’t
opened the box.

”Open it,” he said and pushed it closer.

“No,” I said, “I don’t want to”

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That was a lie; I was dying to open it. I probably sounded like a five year-old refusing
to open the little box. Franco took it, opened it for me, and positioned in front of me. I could
see what was in it. It was a ring. A... diamond ring?

“You must fuck amazingly” was Franco’s reaction.

“Shut up, it’s not funny!” I reacted differently. I took the box and stormed into the
Cafeteria and to the hallway, up the stairs. Second floor, third door on the left…

“What is this?” I waved the little box in Sean’s face. He had opened the door with a
smile. As if he knew I was going to do this and was just waiting.

“It’s a ring,” he said obviously. He took the box from my demanding hand and pulled
out the sparking ring. He grabbed my hand. I yanked it and he yanked it back with a lot more
strength.

“Don’t fight,” he said, and put the ring in my middle finger. It fitted perfectly.

“I don’t want it” I said through my teeth watching with despair at my ringed finger.

“I told you. Relax, it’s not an engagement ring or anything” he said. His eyes were
lazy and his smile was easy. And he was still holding my hand.

“Why don’t you give it to one of your girls?” I said. I didn’t sound resentful. Or at
least it hadn’t been my intention. But my point was; he didn’t have to give anything to me
because I wasn’t one of his bimbo girls. Nor was I ever going to be one... not again.

“It doesn’t fit them that well,” was his response. He brought my hand to his lips and
kissed the back of my hand, and finally released me. “Merry Christmas” he said. I stepped
back and out the door. He stared at my hand and his smile dropped. “Don’t take it off,” he
warned, “I’ll be watching”

“I’ll take it off if I want,” I retorted, “And merry fuckin’ Christmas to you too”

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With that I turned around and walked away. I heard the slam of his door. I took the
ring off so violently my finger hurt. Fucking Sean.

I ran into Michelle as I took the stairs. I stopped and observed her. She was wearing a
red short dress, very short.

“You should not bend over in that,” I told her. She laughed charmingly.

“I’m not planning on it,” she said but then whispered, “But who knows what the night
might bring…”

“Yeah…” I agreed. She seemed to be someone who liked to celebrate. And what
could be the better way to celebrate if you were a sex addict?

“I have something for you” she said with a wink. She led me to her room. Katy was
there, under the covers, mascara running down her cheeks as she cried silently. I couldn’t
resist and even though she shot me a murderous look when I walked into the room, I
approached her.

“Back off!” she screamed. She didn’t stop screaming, not until I backed away.

“She’s been psycho ever since Franco--”

“Shut up you whore!” Katy cut off Michelle’s explanation. She wasn’t bothered by it.
And with a shrug she walked toward the closet, opened it and pulled out something. What she
had for me was a long, shiny, black dress, spaghetti-strap.

“It’s not my style, and I think it’ll fit you way better than me” she said. Katy
screamed again and stormed into the bathroom, locking the door. We heard water running.
And it sounded as if she were throwing and crashing things. Michelle shuddered and turned
her attention back to me. “Just try it on,” she said.

I looked around. The bathroom was occupied. Where was I supposed to change?

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I touched the dress, it was a thin fabric. It looked like it would fit me. Michelle and I
were both small, and although her hips were a bit wider, my breasts were larger than hers. It
was worth the try.

“I’ll turn around,” she offered.

“If you want,” I said with a playful smile. I didn’t know if she took a peek or not. I
turned my back to her and stripped down. I did it very slowly on purpose; I took off my pair of
jeans, and lifted off my shirt. I tossed the clothes onto the bed. I was wearing a tong, and I let
that one on. But the dress didn’t leave space for a bra, so that one flew off. The dress fitted.

“It’s perfect,” she gushed.

I turned around, “Really?”

“You’ll be wearing that tonight,” she said matter of fact, “Merry Christmas” she
added with a wide grin. It was easy to make Michelle happy. And it wasn’t like I had anything
else or something prettier to wear tonight. It appeared everybody was going to be dressed up.
She even did my hair. She pulled it up and adorned it too, with a sparking broach.

“Here,” she handed me my clothes and the damn ring fell out of my jean’s pocket.
“Sorry” she picked it up, “Wow, nice bling. Was it a gift?”

“I--yeah… sort of,” I said feeling suddenly awkward, “You can have it if you want”

She widened her eyes, “God no, I can’t take it. This is easily one carat” she
worshiped the thing as if were a treasure, “Besides, you can’t give away a gift. Put it on”

“No, really --I,” I tried to dismiss it. She took my hand and put it on my finger gently.
It was pretty, I sadly admitted. But Sean had given it to me.

It lost its beauty somehow, and it made me feel despicable and… well, sleazy, which
was probably the whole point of the gift.

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“Let’s go, we don’t want to keep the men waiting” she beamed.

“What men?” I asked.

“All of them” she said and let out the charming laugh that was starting to become her
trademark.

My mother did make her appearance --Alone. She didn’t bring Diana with her. My
little sister was waiting for Santa Klaus, like I said before: Holydays are better when you’re a
kid. And she was five; coming to a Rehab Center on Christmas was the last thing in her mind.
My mother didn’t stay long, she told me I looked good in the dress, she noticed I wasn’t so
skinny anymore. Yeah, yeah, I was fatter now; let’s throw a party to celebrate. Whatever else
she had to say wasn’t very comfortable. It was harder to look her in the eye now that she knew
what I’d done and in what I had been dedicating my time on in the past --a recent past.

She left soon, and promised to call sometime in the week.

Richard gathered us in the Cafeteria. They put the tables together forming a large
single table, and we all sat there. We had turkey and Coke. Somehow, I felt like a child after
all, not drinking alcohol and actually waiting to rip some presents. Just waiting, because I
didn’t get a present other than the stupid ring I was wearing by Michelle’s demand. And deep
down inside I admitted I’d left it on because Sean was indeed watching.

When I walked with Michelle into the Cafeteria, he pointed at his eyes and then at my
hand. I took the opportunity and flipped him off, with the excuse of showing the ring.

He laughed at that, not in a mocking way. It looked like he actually enjoyed it.

Richard left Patricia in charge and left to --wherever his room was-- before midnight.
That was when almost everybody left to their rooms. It wasn’t a happy night, no matter what
everybody seemed to think, we were locked and lonely without our families; even Richard,
and Patricia who stayed here too.

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I didn’t see Micah; I was expecting to find him wearing a Santa Klaus’ hat instead of
one of his knitted ones. I didn’t see pink haired Katy either. Who I did see, was Erick. He
looked distant and lost. I feared he had gone to Sean. I had to ask.

“Did you give something to Erick?”

“Who?” Sean turned around and gave me a puzzled look.

“Quit the crap, did you?” I demanded. My voice low and charming so no one would
notice. Someone did however --Franco.

“Whatever happened, I didn’t give anything” he said.

“I want to like you,” I said bitterly now, “But you make it impossible”

I took off the ring and snapped it to the floor, it bounced and I really hoped it broke.

“What was that?” Michelle asked. I was sorry but I ignored her. And I kept walking,
all the way to the room.

Why had I reacted like that? Rick used to do exactly the same thing. And I didn’t give
him crap about it. It didn’t matter to me as long as I was with him…

That was all it mattered…

“What the hell was that? Everybody saw it” that came out of Franco’s lips. I had
come to the room and he knew it, he probably followed and I didn’t notice.

“Nothing,” I said. I started looking for something else to wear. The dress suddenly
felt heavy, despite the thin fabric and the weather, I was hot. Hot with fury.

“It was good, you, giving him the ring back,” he remarked.

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“Yeah,” I agreed. I kept looking in the suitcase. My clothes didn’t fit there anymore.
It was all a mess, I couldn’t find anything. “Why can’t I have some fucking space in the
closet?!” I exploded. But I had found something, finally. I got into the bathroom and changed
clothes, loose pants and big t-shirt. I washed my hair in the shower, just the hair. Michelle had
put a lot of gel on it. By the time I got out Franco was wearing clothes to sleep too. Not
pajamas, he didn’t sleep in pajamas. He had a long white t-shirt that read Frank Says Relax in
big black letters and saggy black pants. We didn’t speak, not until we were lying in our own
beds.

“I wanted to kick his ass” I said.

“You should have,” he replied. Silence again. Longer this time. I almost believed he
had fallen asleep. But he spoke again.

“Here,” he said. I frowned and turned to look at him. He was sitting on his bed
holding a little silver box. I sat up too. I didn’t know what to say.

Franco had something for me?

“It’s nothing,” he said, “It will obviously not be a diamond ring or anything like it,
but,” he shrugged, “It really is nothing, just…”

“I don’t have anything for you,” I said awkwardly. Then I realized that if I could do
things worse it was by getting awkward too. “I mean,” I said, “Thank you”

“Yeah,” Franco finally looked up at my face, “I called my father and he, well, he
bought it so, it’s practically from him and--”

“Tell him thank you from me,” I said. I stood up. It didn’t seem like Franco would.
He extended his hand and I took the little box. I opened it and found a chain, a silver chain
with a shiny star hanging by it.

“You don’t have to like it,” he offered.

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I sat down on his bed, next to him, my back to him. I held the chain around my neck.

“Help me, please” I said. He took it and I pulled my hair up. I heard the click of the
chain and I turned around.

“Looks pretty?” I asked. He looked at my chest where the star rested. Then he looked
at me, he studied my face and my eyes.

“Yes, looks pretty” he said, and leaned back a little, “You have a space in the closet
by the way”

“Thank…you,” I said. I didn’t want to stand up. I felt comfortable, this close to him.
But I did. I stood up and walked to my bed, and there I sat. I waited for something else. Some
other word, but it didn’t come. So, I lay down and also did Franco.

I tried to sleep, and I did --For a moment at least-- An internal clock wakened me,
because it was the day. It was one month since that night; and almost one month since I got
here. And I just wanted to die. I wanted to vanish. I didn’t deserve to be here.

Not instead of him. Why did I survive? Why wasn’t I worm food now too?

His memories, I could never forget…

“Baby, come back to bed. I can’t sleep if you’re out there” Rick had said from the
bed. His apartment had a balcony, with view to the ocean. I liked to sit there after sex,
smoking a cigarette.

“I’ll be there in a minute,” I said. There was a nice breeze, November breeze. I
watched the waves travel peacefully. I would have hurried if I had known, I would have come
back to bed faster if I had known it was the last night I had with Rick. The last time I would
feel his hot body against mine, or feel his hands on my body.

I would have…

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“Alex?” Franco’s voice faded away the memory. He was awake now too, for all the
noise in the bathroom I was making. I had been crying and looking for something, but I
thought I was being quiet.

“I’m fine,” I said loud enough for him to hear from the other side of the door.

“I’m sure you are,” I heard him murmur. I brushed my teeth and splashed water on
my face. It didn’t make me look or feel better, but whatever. I stepped out the door and found
him sitting up on his bed, eyes open. I was shaking, partly because it was cold, but also my
nerves had gone crazy. I was scared. Terrified. I even checked on the lock of the door.

“What is it?” Franco wanted to know. I wonder how bad I looked.

“I’m just remembering,” I said, “And it isn’t cute”

“Want to, I don’t know --talk about it?”

I shook my head. That was the last thing I wanted to do.

I didn’t want to think about it.

“Okay,” he said and sighed tiredly, “Then will you go back to bed, I seriously am
very tired”

“Yeah, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to wake you” I said honestly. I tried to sleep, I
honestly did. But between the trembling of my cold body and the memories of Rick, I
couldn’t.

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I had refused to even get out of bed the next morning, but Franco had insisted and
here I was in the Cafeteria, drinking coffee and trying to eat a sandwich. And Sean, he was the
last person I wanted to see, especially today.

“Are you all right?” Sean said, “It’s been a month”

“Get lost” my voice low and menacing, or at least I tried to sound like that.

“All right,” Sean said raising his hands innocently because Franco had stood up and
warned him with his hand into a fist. Sean walked away but looked back one more time with a
smile, not a charming one at all. He knew something that was good enough to put a smile on
his face. Today was exactly one month since Rick’s death.

Franco didn’t ask, didn’t speak, just stayed by my side and refilled my cup every time
my cup was empty. That was for about five times, I had over five cups of coffee. And it was
good because I wasn’t planning on sleeping tonight. He didn’t know the reason of my
behavior today but he seemed to understand that I had a reason for it. His mind worked so
peculiarly sometimes. And he wasn’t a jerk today, either. Not to me, or to Katy, he didn’t left
me to be with Michelle but when she approached us to know what was wrong, he said I was
feeling sick and didn’t feel very up for the Coffee afternoon, that was when we walked to the
room. There was no point in staying, I wasn’t going to share and he didn’t seem to be in the
mood, not that he ever was.

It wasn’t my plan to ruin the moment or anything, I just wanted to know.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” I asked. He blinked surprised by my soft tone
and looked up at me. He had knelt before me, just because I commented that my ankle hurt a
little. He was checking if I had a sprain, which I did not have.

“I’m just checking,” he said, and stood up, “Your ankle is all right”

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I knew that, but it wasn’t just that. He had been asking me if I was okay, if I needed
something, all day, very attentive of him, like I’ve never seen him before.

“No,” I insisted, “Especially today, you’ve been…”

“Not a jerk?” he helped with a curious smile. The smile he was giving me lately. I
liked it, it had a good effect on him, he looked less damaged for a moment, while the smile
lasted, which was little. “Yeah, well… I think, no --I know-- that something is bothering you
today” he added in an awkward tone. The tone I was used of hearing from him, he was never
very comfortable, I’ve noticed that, and he was particularly uncomfortable when he spoke his
mind. He walked to the door and locked it, and checked the lock before coming back to his
bed, I studied him silently. He had that anxious vibe around him.

“Are you okay?” I asked. I’ve been selfishly focusing on myself today, I didn’t bother
to worry about him. Schizophrenia, Franco had it. And had he been taking his medication?

Again he looked surprised, as if I were judging him.

“Yeah,” he said, “Are you okay?”

I nodded and lied with a yes, for the hundredth time. I was everything, but okay.

“Tell me,” I said, “Something, anything, please”

He frowned and didn’t speak for a moment. But I saw it coming; he was just taking
his time, to think it right before it came out of his lips.

“All right. I’ll tell you something” he said at last, I positioned to hear, I didn’t think it
could be as bad as what was tormenting me today but I wanted to hear.

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