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THE

PART 1 OF A 3-IS SUE SERIE S

MAN MA N AT T H IS S B ES EST T

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YOU KNOW... HES THE KING, MAN.


BY T O M J U N O D
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OUR GUIDE TO K ICKING KICKING ASS AT WORK. W ORK.


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ALISON BRIE E
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WE LOVE:

E UIR ESQ N TV. IS O LLY. REA YOUR CK CHE OCAL . L S ING LIST VI ! RITI APE E 37 PAG

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Divide and conquer.


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Some apps acquired separately.

VOL. 159 M AY 2 0 1 3 N O. 5

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THE DICAPRIO CODE

Leonardo DiCaprio has gotten to a point in his life where he needs to worry about only three things: his next movie, his next beautiful woman, and his next way to save the world.
By Tom Junod

114
ALISON BRIE IS A WOMAN WE LOVE

And she loves a lot of things. Like her secondgrade teacher, and the number 38, and . . .
Interviewed by Cal Fussman

118
ESQUIRE FICTION

An exclusive and jawdropping excerpt from Benjamin Percys beastly new thriller, Red Moon.
124
THE ESQUIRE GUIDE TO BETTER MUSIC

Our annual collection of songs every man should listen to, with your lovely host, Nina Agdal. Plus: Where to discover new music, why to bother, and whats wrong with how you listen now.
By Andy Langer

133
ESQUIRE STYLE

MUSIC
2013

Musicians across the jukebox, from Gary Clark Jr. to Hunter Hayes, show you the importance of varietyin your wardrobe and your music.
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WHAT IVE LEARNED: VALERIE JARRETT

My grandmother would say, Valerie, put yourself in the path of lightning.


Interviewed by Cal Fussman

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SIX YEARS LATER

Half a decade after the savage murder of his wife and two daughters, William Petit has had to redefine what it means to live his life. A look at how a man copes withand begins to recover froma nightmare that will never die.
By Ryan DAgostino

For a video preview of this issue, scan here using Netpage.

{ continued on page 8 }
ON THE COVER: LEONARDO DICAPRIO PHOTOGRAPHED EXCLUSIVELY L FOR ESQUIRE BY MAX VADUKUL. V VADUKU L. SUIT, SUIT U , SHIRT, T, AND AND AN N TIE BY DOLCE & GABBANA. G PRODUCED BY ARIELLE VINY FOR NORTH SIX. STYLIST ASSISTANT, ARIANNE TUNNEY FOR TRACEY MATTINGLY. MATTINGL LY. GROOMING GROO ROOM MIN ING BY NATALIA FOR THE WALL GROUP. PROP STYLING ING BY NICK FAIELLA.

AVAILABLE AT CONVERSE.COM/JACKPURCELL

THE CONVERSE JACK PURCELL SNEAKER

VOL. 159 M AY 2 0 1 3 N O. 5

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SEX

Do animals cheat? And other questions keeping you up at night.


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STYLE

Summer shoes, Vampire Weekends Ezra Koenig o on buying his first watch, and socks that will change your life.
60
A THOUSAND WORDS

The Internet has become T a place of tremendous hate and rage. But itll clean itself up.
By Stephen Marche

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ESQUIRE ON YOUR TV

Have we mentioned that H the new Esquire Network w launches April 22? Do you wonder whats on o it, or if you might enjoying watching? A comj prehensive guide to the greatest cable channel thats ever been named after us. And a recipe!
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ESQUIRE, WORKING

Moguls from Duff GoldM man m to Joel Osteen teach you how to run a business, own the room, and n never have a bad day. And we tell you what to wear on the job.
94
ATTENTION POLITICIANS: FIGHT MORE

Confirmation hearings are supposed to be partia san. s But they work only if the t president fights back. And with one glaring exception, President Obama has shown how its done.
By Charles P. Pierce

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ESQUIRE OUT OF DOORS

{ continued from page 5 } 11


BEFORE WE BEGIN

21
ESQ&A

26
MAN AT HIS BEST: CULTURE

37
MAHB: INSTRUCTION

Letter from the Editor 12 Upper Peninsula trivia! 18 Esquire gets its own pickle 18

Questlove on riding SEPTA, teaching at NYU, and getting Bill Withers to sing again.

The exhausting vitriol of Marc Maron, and how to write a best seller.
28
FUNNY JOKE FROM A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN By Laura Haddock

Why you should be drinking aperitifs, everything youve ever wanted to know about caring for your feet (and then some), and a stereo that costs more than a personal watercraft.

A celebration of what we do when we go outside, from camping to cooking f to hanging off a really big rock.
162
THIS WAY OUT

Things This Magazine Can Do That Television Cant


By Ross McCammon

8 E S Q U I R E M AY 2 0 1 3

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BEGIN
BEFORE WE
Essential information for this issue and your month

M AY
2013

THE

NOT EXPRESSLY EX FORBIDDEN BY THE AMISH.

IVE TOLD PEOPLE THAT THESE SOCKS HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE.

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ITS TS ALS TS ALSO NOT AT ALL LIKE GOLF, IN THAT PICKK ING THE WRONG CLUB WONT END WITH YOU FALLING TO YOUR DEATH.

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SIMPLY PUT, ITS BECAUSE WOMEN DONT GET HARD-ONS.
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I AM NOT A MINISTER.

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THE NUMBER P A G E THIRTY-EIGHT. ITS SO ROUND. ITS A VOLUPTUOUS NUMBER. EIGHTYEIGHT HAS GONE TOO FAR.
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AND THEN AT LAST, A SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN, HE PRONOUNCES DICAPRIO A NASTOYASHI MU UZHIK K: A REAL MAN.
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THATS THE WAY PETIT HAS LIVED SINCE THE MORNING OF JULY 23, 2007, THE FIRST DAY IN MORE THAN TWENTY-TWO YEARS THAT HE HAD NEITHER A FAMILY NOR A HOME, BOTH OF WHICH WERE SAVAGELY TAKEN FROM HIM THE NIGHT BEFORE.

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BEFORE WE BEGI N
multiples of that for pregnant Kate. Our biggest starsthe actual ones have no choice but to withdraw from life as we know it. Theyre rarely out in public, except to hurry from the limo to the red carpet or sneak in the back door of some ballroom to speak briefly at an event that will raise money for the charity they are most aligned with. Weve chased them into hiding. Beginning this month and continuing for the next two issues, we will have the three largest male movie stars on our cover, back-to-back-to-back, starting with Mr. DiCaprio. We have them on the cover because they are indisputably interesting, we admire their work, they represent something about how we American men see ourselves, and yes, indeed, because we hope they will motivate people to pick up the magazine and read it. But Im genuinely curious about their relationship to their own fame. No one has ever been more famous than Leonardo DiCaprio was after Titanic became the biggest movie of all time. As youll read in Tom Junods story, he was both completely taken by surprise and pretty well prepared for it. Surprised because no one could anticipate what a sensation that movie would be and prepared because he had already built a protective cocoon of friends he took with him on his journey to extreme celebrityfriends (and managers and publicists) who are still there, still the buffer between Leo and the madness that awaits when he steps out of a limo. Junod and I were curious about what kind of life that can be, inside the Green Zone that DiCaprio and the other two men well be writing about have built for themselves. How different for each, how alienating, how fullling? In DiCaprios case, from Junods limited view, which he shares beginning on page 106, it is a world he has mastered and made his own.

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The Celebrity Green Zone


Five years ago, I greeted George Clooney outside the Hearst Tower. His car pulled up on Eighth Avenue at exactly the time he had said hed be there, and I went out to walk him in. The sidewalk is, what, twelve feet wide? His car double-parked maybe six to eight feet from the sidewalk. Then theres a little vestibule before you hit the doors. So there were maybe ten yards, the length of a rst down, from inside the car to inside the building. Clooney moves quickly. In the few seconds he was exposed to the outside world, people went apeshit. An average midmorning on a block in Manhattan collapsed into a few seconds of chaos. People spun toward him. They shouted his name. All pedestrian movement came to a halt. Cars slammed on their brakes. Hes used to it. But it unsettled me. It seemed dangerous then and its more intense now. Its gotten worse in the years since thenat least in part because fame has become so democratized and just about every chef, makeup artist, hand model, and auto mechanic has his own cable show or YouTube channel. The most famousthe movie stars, the royalsare ever more desperately beset. If a photographer can make ve gures for a compromising photo of a former star of Jersey Shore, he can make

Lydia Woolever
ASSISTANT RESEARCH EDITOR

A. J. Jacobs
EDITOR AT LARGE

W R I T E R S AT L A R G E
Tom Chiarella, Cal Fussman, Chris Jones, Tom Junod, Charles P. Pierce, Scott Raab, John H. Richardson, Mike Sager

FICTION
Tyler Cabot

CONTRIBUTING EDITORS
Ted Allen, Thomas P.M. Barnett, Colby Buzzell, Andrew Chaikivsky, Luke Dittrich, David Katz, Ken Kurson, Andy Langer, Stephen Marche, Francine Maroukian, Bucky McMahon, Brian Mockenhaupt, Mary-Louise Parker, Benjamin Percy, Barry Sonnenfeld, Daniel Voll, Stacey Grenrock Woods John Mariani FOOD & TRAVEL CORRESPONDENT David Wondrich DRINKS CORRESPONDENT

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Kristen Ingersoll FASHION AND ENTERTAINMENT DIRECTOR

THIS MONTH IN LOGOS (AND AVAILABILITY)


Your favorite app (not Ruzzle, but Netpage) just got itself a new, very instructive logo that you can see right here and at the bottom of many pages in this issue. Its a reminder that you can use Netpage to unlock multimedia content throughout the magazine and to make every image and story interactive. Plus, Netpage is now available in the Google Play store. So if you have an Android phone, you can finally discover what weve been so excited about.

12 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

P H OTO G R A P H BY TAG H I N A D E R Z A D

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BEFORE WE BEGI N
EL SE W HE

THIS MONTH, SPORTS! The third volume of Esquires 80th anniversary anthology features the eight greatest sports stories of all time. Tom Wolfe on Junior Johnson. Richard Ben
Cramer on Ted Williams. Michael Paterniti on Thurman Munson. Plus, David Foster Wallace, Luke Dittrich, John Irving, Scott Raab, and W.C. Heinz. Buy it at esquire.com/80stories or right now via Netpage.

RE IN TH E C U LT U RE

ESQUIRE INDULGES
NOT MUCH MAKES US HAPPIER THAN MAKING YOU HAPPIER, SO WHEN YOU SEND IN REQUESTS, WE TRY TO FULFILL THEM. EXCEPT FOR THE WEIRD STUFF.

Notable occurrences that, interested or not, you should at least be aware of. May 1
The HBO documentary Manhunt is the real-life version of Zero Dark Thirty.

WOULD YOU PLEASE PROVIDE US WITH AN UPDATE ON IRAQ WAR VETERAN BRYAN ANDERSON?
DAN PONTIS, LONGMONT, COLO.

May 7
She & Him rel release Volume 3, their newest album of catchy, smiley indie pop.

May 14
Crime-solving professor Robert Langdon takes on his next icon in the new Dan Brown thriller, Inferno.

May 17
Terrorism strikes the he U. S. S. Enterprise in Star Trek: Into Darkness.

May 23
The posthumous release of J. R. R. Tolkiens epic narrative poem, The Fall of Arthur.

May 24
Fast & Furious 6 shows that action movies can successfully recycle the same premise.

We rst wrote about Army Sergeant Anderson, who I started acting a little bit, too. Its been a lot of lost both his legs and much of his left arm in an IED fun, and I hope to continue with it. Ive been on CSI: attack three months before he nished his second NY and All My Children, and in The Wrestler, with tour in Iraq, in our January 2007 issue. In the six Mickey Rourke. And I just did an episode of Nick years since, hes done some amazing things. After Searcys Web series, Acting School. One of the coolbeing given a few leading questions and convinced est things Ive gotten to do is host a show on PBS in that his answers wouldnt come Chicago called Reporting for Seracross as bragging, he sent the folvice with Bryan Anderson. [Edilowing update: tors note: Anderson and the show Im living in Rolling Meadwon an Emmy.] I interview peoows (outside Chicago). For about ple who are making a difference two years, I lived in Pennsylvania in their community, and then grab and helped design and test wheela bunch of people to go volunteer. chairs that would hold up to what Im a triple amputee taking 100 a soldier would put them through. kids to go work a farm. Im outta In terms of work, I kinda have my chair, digging in the dirt. Its six jobs. Theres Quantum Rehab, great. Weve done one episode so where I work in research and defar, with hopefully more to come. velopment, testing chairs and travThe more I see the effects of all eling to VAs to talk to clinicians this, the more I want to do. and therapists. Im a spokesperson Even with all that work, I still for USA Cares, a veterans organihave a lot of fun. I snowboard, I zation that helps post-9/11 vets in have a motorcycle, and I have their most vulnerable moments, a quad that I love to ride in the whether its saving their homes or mountains. Im trying paint-ballhelping put food on the table. And ing with my brother and even I was recently made an ambassastarted ying lessons. I have nine dor for the Gary Sinise Foundasolo takeoffs and landings. tion and have been making appearAs far as where Im going, who Top: Anderson on the January ances on the foundations behalf. I knows? But I can tell you Im ex2007 cover of Esquire. Bottom: On also wrote a book called No Turn- the set of his PBS show, Reporting cited to see what happens next for Service with Bryan Anderson. ing Back. and what I can do with it.

AN INSIDERS GUIDE TO ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT


May 24
The Hangover Part III shows that comedies have a slightly harder time of it.

May 24
We Steal Secrets: The Story of WikiLeaks presents an account of whistle-blower Bradley Manning juxtaposed with a damning portrait of Julian Assange.

May 28
The National Spelling Bee returns.

Esquire sex columnist Stacey Grenrock Woods is reprising her role as Trisha Thoon on the new season of Arrested Development. She graciously offered a few spoilers: > The banana stand is a sled. > George Sr. plays topless ping-pong with a handsome doctor. > Lucille adopts the kid who shot Omar.

> The kid who shot Omar also shot J.R. > Gob brings Lady Sybil back to life in the Aztec Tomb. > Tony Soprano plays another Journey song and then something by Warrant. > Bruce Willis has been dead the whole time. > Sergeant Brody is actually Cat Stevens. > The narrator turns out to be Ron Howard.

14 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

Not enough Bryan Anderson? Scan here with Netpage to watch him in action.

BEFORE WE BEGI N

A FAIR POINT FROM KEN In his article on gun control (A Thousand Words, March), Stephen Marche implies that a
well-armed militia wouldnt stand a chance against a single company of Marines. I thought that question was put to rest 230 years ago. Ken Foley, St. Joseph, Ill.

Jack Essig
Marcia Kline

SENIOR VICE-PRESIDENT, PUBLISHING DIRECTOR & CHIEF REVENUE OFFICER ASSOCIATE PUBLISHER/ADVERTISING

LETTERS OF THE MONTH


ENRAGED (TOWARD THE GOVERNMENT) SYMPATHETIC TO THE SHOOTER ENRAGED (TOWARD THE SHOOTER) ENRAGED (TOWARD ASHTON KUTCHER) CONFUSED, SINCE BIN LADEN WAS A CIA OPERATIVE WHO ACTUALLY DIED IN 2001

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INTEGRATED SALES & MARKETING ASSOCIATE

THE REACTION METER


RESPONSES TO PHIL BRONSTEINS PROFILE OF THE NAVY SEAL WHO SHOT BIN LADEN, LEFT THE NAVY, AND THEN FOUND HIMSELF WITH LITTLE HELP FROM THE GOVERNMENT.

David Thomson
SENIOR ACCOUNT MANAGER

Kate Filippelli, Meghan Washington


DIGITAL ACCOUNT MANAGERS

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INTEGRATION ASSOCIATES

s a recently retired naval officer with 30 years of active duty, I had the opportunity to serve with a SEAL unit. I have the
Like all servicemen and -women in combat, the Shooter is a true American hero, and we need to treat him as such. But his claim that the Navy screwed him is pure BS. He screwed himself. The fact is that the Shooter didnt retire. He quit after 16 years, and it takes 20 for retirement. I have no doubt he is burned out, and understandably so, but he had choices. R O B E R T D. B R O W N , L T . C O L . , USMC (RET.) Cary, N.C.
MARCH 2013

utmost respect for SEALs and call many of them my close friends. However, I chuckled as Bronstein painted the government as a bad guy who screwed the Shooter over. This guy chose to leave despite being short the 20 years of service. Your article made a mocking statement that the Shooter would get the same pension as someone in the Navy choir. What it does not mention is that SEALs get the highest bonuses of anyone in the Navy, as they should. At the end of the day, the Shooter needs to live with his decision to get out. Name and address withheld
MAN AT HIS BEST

projects or some undeserving welfare gluttons while these soldiers are abandoned is maddening. Hopefully Bronsteins story will convince the government to step up its responsibilities to our returning servicemen. R I C K S O L O WAY Baltimore, Md. SEALs are real-life superheroes, shrouded in secrecy, with superhuman mental and physical capabilities. These men are well aware of the danger, risk, and personal toll that come along with their chosen path. Still, the government asks them to operate in the most dangerous locations and to do things that would crush the average human. It should take a lesson from the SEAL code and demonstrate loyalty and responsibility to these men who bravely fight and die for our country. PHILLIP POMA Newark, Calif.

MARKETING SERVICES Scott Lehmann Kate Carrington


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PUBLISHED BY HEARST C O M M U N I C AT I O N S , I N C . Frank A. Bennack, Jr.


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PRESIDENT & CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER

THE TRUE STORY OF THE MISSION, THE MAN NOW, AND HOW THE GOVERNMENT A B A N D O N S I T S E L I T E WA R R I O R S . BY PHIL BRONSTEIN

H E A RST M AGA Z I N E S D I V I S I O N Michael Clinton David Carey


PRESIDENT PRESIDENT, MARKETING & PUBLISHING DIRECTOR

John P. Loughlin
EXECUTIVE VICEPRESIDENT & GENERAL MANAGER

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PUBLISHING CONSULTANT

Mark F. Miller
PUBLISHING CONSULTANT

This is a fascinating article. The thought that my taxes are being funneled toward either useless pork

PUBLISHED AT 300 WEST FIFTY-SEVENTH STREET, NEW YORK, NY 10019-3797. EDITORIAL OFFICES: (212) 649-4020. ADVERTISING OFFICES: (212) 649-4050 FAX: (212) 649-4303 WWW.ESQUIRE.COM. FOR SUBSCRIPTION OR CUSTOMER-SERVICE QUESTIONS, PLEASE VISIT SERVICE.ESQUIRE.COM OR WRITE TO ESQUIRE, P.O. BOX 6000, HARLAN, IA 51593. PRINTED IN THE U.S.A.

THINGS WE WONT BE COVERING THIS MONTH


The recent success in transplanting leg hair to bald mens scalps. DaddyScrubs, hospital scrubs that proudly proclaim Im the Daddy on the back. Girls Gone Wilds explanation for filing for bankruptcy. Wake Up On Time, a pill you take before bed that releases energy eight hours later to wake you up refreshed. Bret Michaels new Travel Channel series, Rock My RV.

16 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

TRIM, SHAVE AND EDGE THE 3-IN-1 TOOL FOR WHATEVER BODY STYLE SHE LIKES.

BEFORE WE BEGI N

CONTEXT-FREE HIGHLIGHT S FROM LETTERS WE WON T BE RUNNING I would like to buy some videos and mugs of these hefty Walmart gals. Please, no greeters! Stalkers distract you to make you sick. Bastard-makers want
to steal inheritances. Smiley face had access to a late-model car that works. Blue balls, for which there is relief: attempting to lift something very heavy (like a car, from its bumper) in a proper squatting position.

CHINESE EGGPLANT KIMCHI > INGREDIENTS: 1 lb Chinese eggplant 1 tsp sea salt cup water > MARINADE: 2 tbsp soy sauce 2 tsp fresh lime juice 2 tsp sesame oil 1 tsp fish sauce 1 tsp honey 2 cloves garlic, grated on a Microplane 1 small knob ginger, grated on a Microplane tbsp toasted sesame seeds 1 tsp chile flakes 2 tbsp chopped green onions > GARNISH: 1 tsp chopped mint > INSTRUCTIONS: Cut eggplant into 2-inch lengths, then split lengthwise into quarters. Add to a large pot with sea salt and water. Bring to a boil, cover with a lid, and turn heat to medium. Let eggplant steam for about 15 minutes or until the meat is tender and falling away from the skin. Remove eggplant from

the pot and let cool. Gently transfer to a glass container. Create marinade by combining ingredients in a small bowl and whisking together. Add to the eggplant and gently toss. Cover with plastic wrap and let marinate overnight. > CONSUMPTION: Enjoy over steamed rice and grilled pork with a garnish of freshly chopped mint.

A FEW FACTS WE LEARNED ABOUT MICHIGANS UPPER PENINSULA

It is commonly referred to as the UP. People who live in the UP call themselves Yoopers. The UP is home to more than 200 waterfalls. The UP contains 29 percent of the land area of Michigan but just 3 percent of its total population.

T EE THE ESQUIRE SQUIRE


This month, Esquire contributor and master pickler chef Edward Lee is publishing his first book, Smoke & Pickles: Recipes and Stories from a New Southern Kitchen (Artisan, $30). To mark the occasion, he designed a pickle just for us. (He also reminded us that anything can be pickled. Even eggplant.)

PICKLE

Edward Lee is the chef and owner of 610 Magnolia in Louisville. Open only on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights, his Asian/Southern restaurant offers a chef s tasting menu that changes weekly. Youll need reservations. Or try his take on bar food at his new restaurant, MilkWood.

In August 1923, entrepreneurs and friends Harvey Firestone, Thomas Edison, and Henry Ford camped together near Iron Mountain in the UP. Notre Dames first allAmerican football player, George Gipp (the Gipper, from Knute fr Rocknes famous speech), grew up in g Laurium, i in the UP. Former pres president Teddy Roosevelt sued UP newspaper Iron Ore for slander in 1 1912 after it accused him of public drunkenness. He won drunkennes six cents. ce UP residents resident are quick to notice when wh you omit their portion of Michigan from a map, as we accidentally did in February. They are a also a very forgiving people.
MAP BY CHRIS PHILPOT

GET TO KNOW YOUR HOSTESS TESS


Highlights from a conversation with 21-year-old Danish model Nina Agdal, who hosts this months music coverage. (See page 124.) On her first trip to America: I went to Boca Raton. Weird place. ce. Thank God it was spring break, so there were a lot of young people there, , but thats not where you go with your parents when youre 18 years old. On her apartment: Im very cheap, so I decided to live really close to Penn Station and the Long Island Rail Road. And they have an indoor or basketball court in my building, so whenever Im here I play almost every y day. On her musical tastes: Im in a Rihanna and Justin Timberlake e mode right now. The Fray is my favorite band in the world probably, and I love a Danish band called Dn. It all depends on my mood. On her musical whims: I couldnt sleep, so I had a glass of red d wine and put on *NSync, Britney Spears, and Christina Aguilera. That was my jam. On dancing: I danced competitively for almost ten years, hip-hop -hop and disco. You had all these costumesmine was yellow and green, with a lot of glitter. But I dont do booty-popping and all that. I leave that to o others.

SOMETHING NEW YOU CAN EXPECT EVERY WEEK... Starting this month, if youve downloaded the Esquire app for your tablet, each week well send you a digital supplement to the magazinebrand-new original content,

including Charles P. Pierce on Politics, Stephen Marche on Culture, Josh Ozersky on food, and A.J. Jacobs on ways to improve your life. Its like getting extra pages of your favorite magazine for free, delivered right to you.

...AND EVERY MORNING At Esquire.com, you can now find a daily curated list of the most important things to read, watch, or simply be aware of before starting your day. Hope youre ready to impress people.

18 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

T A S T E I S O N LY E V E R Y T H I N G
Meet the new Budweiser Black Crown, a 6% alc./vol. golden amber lager brewed with toasted caramel malt and beechwood finished for a smooth and distinctive flavor. Tasted, chosen and handpicked by the loud, the savvy and the famous, at bars and festivals across the nation. And then, dressed in black.

#TASTEIS

2013 A-B, Budweiser Black Crown Lager, St. Louis, MO

M AY 2 0 1 3

QUESTLOVE

THE PRODUCER/DRUMMER/ MUSICOLOGIST TALKS TO SCOTT RAAB ABOUT PRINCE, PUBLIC ENEMY, BILL WITHERS, TEACHING, PHILLY, AND POLITICS

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon studios at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, where Questlove is finishing rehearsals for The Music of Prince at Carnegie Hall later this week.

MUSIC
2013

SCOTT RA

AB

SCOTT RAAB: You got time for me? QUESTLOVE: Of course I do. SR: Youve got a lot going on. QL: Were going to my apartment to eat. My chef made us some stuff. SR: Thats awfully nice. MAYA RUDOLPH: Am I coming with you? [Her Prince tribute band, Princess, is playing the show, too.] QL: Yeah. MR: Where are you going? QL: Im going home, but your hotel is near my home. [To Al Roker] Whats up, man? Its Ahmir. AL ROKER: Oh, hey! Hi. Nice to see you. SR: Cant believe you bothered Mr. Roker. QL: I wonder if hes gonna wash his hands after that. [Later, at Questloves apartment.] QL: Tonight, I just gotta act like its a regular night. Not like anything special is going on. SR: I hear theres something really special going on. QL: In Brooklyn. SR: You sure you have time to do this interview? QL: This is a break. This is the treat. 9:30 tonight is when the stress starts. This is Ardenia [Questloves personal chef ]. ARDENIA: Hi! SR: I smell greens.
CONTINUED

THE POP-CULTURE FIELD GUIDE


Things you may encounter on your journey
Clip, Save, Share, from any page. Download free from the iTunes App Store or Google Play.

ROCK OF GIBRALTAR 1. 1,400-foot limestone monolith at the entrance to the Mediterranean Sea. 2. Location of counterterrorism operation Wildlife in John le Carrs spy novel A Delicate Truth.

21

Clockwise from far left: On the tour bus with his fathers band Lee Andrews and the Hearts, 1975; with the Roots on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon; with his sister, Donn, in their west Philadelphia home, 1975.

QUESTLOVE CONTINUED

ARDENIA: Yes, you do. Its kale and cannelloni beana mixture. With rib-eye steak and glazed butternut squash. QL [looking at phone]: Chris Rocks trying to move his parent-teacher meeting to come tonight. SR: Are you always this busy? QL: This is a typical day. Ive come to the conclusion that the average person can do about four things a day, like four real things a day. SR: Four discrete tasks? QL: I think four is enough. I could probably do six. Today I worked out. I had to edit the book. Ive had rehearsals for the Prince show this week, too. Actually, Im doing two books. The memoir [Mo Meta Blues, out next month] and a coffee-table book on Soul Train. SR: Whats happening tonight? QL: I talked DAngelo into doing a sort of kamikaze, hit-andrun thing. I told him that we got to get rid of our comfort system. No background singers, no other musicians. Just him and me, one stagenothing else. No preparation, no rehearsal. Well just go onstage and make songs. SR: Thats at 9:30? QL: Yeah. Tickets sold out in 45 seconds. SR: Its fine to say no, but can I go? QL: Yeah! It shouldnt be a problem. SR: DAngelos doing all right? QL: Hes doing fine. Hes
THE POP-CULTURE FIELD GUIDE

slowly putting his feet back in the water. SR: I read an early copy of your memoir. I was fascinated by the Philly part of your book. You grew up on Osage Avenuethe street that was bombed by the police. QL: I was there the day they stormed the MOVE headquarters. SR: You were a kid. QL: I was 14. May 13, 85. That Thursday was the worst day ever, man. I got dumped by my ninth-grade girlfriend. And then on 20/20, they had the backward masking episode. My moms like, Wait a minute. Stairway to Heavendont you listen to that? My parents were notorious for throwing records away during that Christian phase of the mid-80s. It was also around the time of the Lena Horne episode of The Cosby Show. SR: Philadelphia is one of the most juicy and underrated cities in the world. QL: Despite the violence that its been mired in. Three Saturdays ago, I took a very weird pilgrimage. I had to do a Silence of the Lambsesque trip to one of my storage units. I took a flashlight not knowing what I was going to run into. SR: Im glad you didnt find what Jodie Foster found. QL: I was looking for baby photos. I found them. I was gonna go back, but then I just had this strange craving to ride SEPTA. SR: That is a strange craving.

QL: So I took my car, drove to 69th Street. I rode the El the complete way around. Then I rode it again and got off at 40th Street, and then took the trolley. I just wanted to revisit parts of my childhood because I hadnt seen it in such a long time. So I rode the El, the trolley, and the subway in a four-hour period. I was done by 11 oclock. And then I went back to New York. SR: You were satisfied? In terms of the craving. QL: The trains are pristine now. Not like the trains of Japan or anything. I kinda wanted the urine-infested, death-defying SEPTA. SR: Thats the aroma I associate with SEPTA. QL: It was too clean. SR: Do you still want to do something with Bill Withers? Its a shame that the singer of Lean on Me has been lost to the ages. QL: Yeah, and for the wrong reasons. His self-imposed exile is based on misinformation. I read that he did a show in Chicago in 85, and I think only 19 people showed up. But what he fails to register in his brain is that three feet of snow was on the ground in Chicago. The show should have been canceled. But I guess his ego said, Well, the people dont want me no more. Ill retire.

SR: Somethings wrong. Something beyond a crowd of 19 in a blizzard. QL: He came to one of my shows and I begged him to sing, and he said, Nah, man. I dont want to sing. I keep trying. I thought, Ill use the Al Green record I did [Lay it Down, 2008] as proof. I said, Okay, Bill, youre next. And he said no. Then I did John Legends record. It was like, All right, were going to cover a Bill Withers song, and then were going to get a lot of Grammys, and then Bill will come running. Got John Legend his Grammys, and Bill still said no. So then I worked on Booker T.s album. Bills still saying no. I gotta figure out another plan. Hopefully this time around hell come out of exile. I have everyone on boardhis wife, his daughter. SR: How old is he now? QL: He was in his 30s when Lean on Me came out [in 1972]. So already he was at a more mature place than most people when they have their debut records. SR: The breadth of your music knowledge is incredible. Im a hip-hop ignoramus, by the way. Once Public Enemy stopped putting out product, I stopped, too. QL: You think you have differences with hip-hop? I definitely have issues. That was my lesson last week in the class I teach at NYU. I give my students records ahead of time, so they can put them on their iPods. And I always ask them,
CONTINUED

RICHARD THE ICEMAN KUKLINSKI 1. Mafia contract killer who hid his profession from his family for decades until his arrest in 1986. 2. Froze bodies to obscure time of death. 3. Played by Michael Shannon in the drama The Iceman.

DANTES INFERNO 1. The first installment of 14th-century allegorical poem The Divine Comedy. 2. Filled with hidden codes discovered by symbologist Robert Langdon in Dan Browns new novel, Inferno.

22 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

Scan here with Netpage to read an excerpt from Questloves upcoming memoir, Mo Meta Blues.

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With DAngelo at the Brooklyn Bowl, March.


QUESTLOVE CONTINUED

Okay, how do you feel? With Michael Jackson and Public Enemy, it was the same thing. Half the class was like, You know, this is cool. I remember my mom and dad playing this stuff for me. And the other half was like, Mmm, it didnt move me as much. I knew that Michael Jackson would be an easier sell because I gave them something off the master reels of the Off the Wall record. SR: Thats amazingthe master reels? QL: You know the greatest thing about working on Fallon? I get so many anonymous gifts. Somebody gave them to me, and I was floored about what I didnt know or didnt hear on the recordthe things they didnt use. Of course, he famously cries at the end of one song. Take one of Shes Out of My Life is really heartbreaking to listen to. It doesnt feel like its theater or overacting. You really feel his pain. So I was trying to explain the sonic importance of Public Enemy and why they matter and how they pushed boundaries sonically. Im not even talking about with messages and whateverthese are craftsmen. The students who had indifference with it just cant contextualize it. And thats our fault. SR: Nation of Millions?! QL: I was on an NPR blog, and they have a section where they have their interns review established classic records. And the reviewer actually hated it. Everybodys browbeating him. You 18-year-old fool. And I alTHE POP-CULTURE FIELD GUIDE

most got caught up in it. But I caught myself and thought, Oh, God, this is my fault. People in my age range have to pay up and start teaching. We take for granted that the ripple of hiphop is going to spread and people will know what quality music is. You just take for granted that Pet Sounds is gonna last forever because everyones gonna know Brian Wilson was a genius. I mean it could be Van Morrison. It could be Dylan. It could be whatever. I know Im not going to change the world by teaching this stuff, but hopefully I have an impact on those 24 kids in my class. SR: I dont know how many people in any field hold themselves accountable for the teaching part. Teachings tough. You gotta have the passion and the ability to articulate it. QL: And patience. Its still a learning curve for me. Im probably a good three years away from taking the training wheels off. They want me to teach 75 students, 150, the supply-anddemand thing. And I was telling them I think we should really just keep it smallWait a minute! [Sees Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong Un on TV.] Im sorry. Hes hanging with him? SR: Its been all over the media today. QL: Lately Ive cooled off on watching TV. During the election, I was obsessed with it. SR: Do you consider yourself a political person? Do you think a musician or any other performer is responsible for speaking to larger issues?

QL: During the 2008 election, I made clear to the Obama campaign that I dont think its wise for me to force my personal political agenda on anyone. They wanted me to do speeches. I said, Wow, Im glad you guys are so trusting, but Im not there yet. In 2008, I did menial workdriving vans, collecting signs. For a long time, I was the runner getting sandwiches for volunteers. I graduated to telephones once I felt more confident. I might feel a personal responsibility, but its a thin line between that and Follow me and my ideology because Im on television. Id rather people think for themselves. SR: I dont know if theres a whole lot of that going aroundpeople thinking for themselves. QL: After the 2000 election, there was a frozen empowermentthe feeling that nothing matters because the outcome will go the way that a higher power deems that it should go. Artists got really scared. Nata-

PEOPLE IN MY AGE RANGE HAVE TO PAY UP AND START TEACHING. WE TAKE FOR GRANTED PEOPLE WILL KNOW WHAT QUALITY MUSIC IS.

lie Maines and the Dixie Chicks were the tipping point. After she said Were not proud of our president, they lost everything. It was almost like the entertainment worlds version of Job. Everyone was just frozenall the left-of-center and political-leaning artists in hip-hop and pop
CONTINUED

THE ESQUIRE DOSSIER

AHMIR QUESTLOVE THOMPSON

DATE OF BIRTH: January 20, 1971 WHICH MAKES HIM: 42 HOMETOWN: Philadelphia OCCUPATION: Drummer and cofounder of the Roots SIDE JOBS: DJ, leader of the Late Night with Jimmy Fallon house

band, NYU professor, purveyor of hoodies at Lower East Side store the Hoodie Shop ALMA MATER: Accepted to Juilliard but couldnt afford tuition. ENTRE INTO SHOW BUSINESS: Doing wardrobe, lights, and eventually percussion for his parents touring oldies band. FIRST ROOTS GIG: Busking FIRST ROOTS BREAK: Opening for the Beastie Boys FIRST EXPOSURE TO THE BEASTIE BOYS: After church in 1984, when he and his cousin cassette-recorded the group on a Philadelphia hip-hop radio show. NATIONALITY HE ASSUMED THEY WERE: Puerto Rican CONTROVERSY: Playing Fishbones Lyin Ass Bitch when Michele Bachmann appeared on Late Night. OTHER WALK-ON-SONG PAIRINGS: LeVar Burton and the Roots theme; Joy Behar and Happy Happy Joy Joy from Ren & Stimpy; Ashlee Simpson and Milli Vanillis lip-synced Girl You Know Its True. RECORD COLLECTION: 78,000 large
BACK TO THE FUTURESOURCED PICKUP LINE HE TOLD ROLLING STONE HES SAVING FOR ALISON BRIE: Im your density. ALISON BRIE: This issue, page 114. PREMISE OF 2011 ROOTS CONCEPT ALBUM UNDUN: The death-

bed musings of fictional drug dealer Redford Stephens, inspired by a Sufjan Stevens song. DRINK: Kahla and cream
MANDARIN 1. Chinese supervillain in the Marvel universe. 2. Previously employed as a janitor; currently working as a scientist/martial artist. 3. Foe of Iron Man, played by half-Indian actor Sir Ben Kingsley in Iron Man 3.

GREAT NECK, LONG ISLAND 1. Affluent coastal suburb. Half-hour commute to Manhattan. 2. Inspiration for new money West Egg, host of the better parties in The Great Gatsby.

24 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

raymond-weil.com | freelancer collection

QUESTLOVE CONTINUED

music. All the political voices were silenced. SR: Whenever someone uses the word urban instead of black or African, it makes me a little crazy. And Im a Jewish guy from Cleveland. Does the urban label bother you? QL: When I was preparing Nation of Millions for my NYU class last week, I saw an old Billboard magazine from 1985. At the top of the page, I saw the word Black. Back in 85 they called it Black charts. It was Race music before that. It doesnt bother me now simply because radio is no longer the controlling force in music. Billboard is now allowing YouTube to count for chart success. Two of the number-one singles on the pop charts are number one because of YouTube plays. YouTube plays count for 20 or 30 percent of your chart action. Labels are about to go the way of the cassette and eight-track. SR: So the old categories are nullified. QL: Im certain that by 2040, itll be a whole new system we deal with, which will be unfortunate for me because I think Ill be 70. [Later, in the car heading to Brooklyn Bowl.] SR: Were a long way from Philly right now. Do you ever think about how incredible it is that youre now working with a range of musicians from DAngelo to Elvis Costello? QL: I mean, Prince was on the [Fallon] show Friday. But I always feel like self-congratulation is the jinx. Thats why I had to do that SEPTA pilgrimage. Part of me really enjoyed that four-hour trek of taking the subway, taking the El, taking the trolley, going to the Wawa where I bought Michelle Morgan a hoagie. But Ill admit that when I got off at 22nd Street and got back to my car, I was happy to come home to my comfortable high-rise. This was a long time coming. SR: You still drive a Scion? QL: Yeah, I went to my Scion.
VISUAL RULE NO.

CATCHING UP WITH THE PUT-UPON MAN


MARC MARON IS BUT THE LATEST
BY RICHARD DORMENT

ou would not believe the day Im having. My kid wakes up with a load in his

diaper and then some. There is shit everywherein his crib, on the wall, on a lampshade like ve feet away. It looks like a murder scene, only with shit. Then I look out the window and see a cop writing me a ticket because Im parked 13 feet from a re hydrant and not the required-by-law 15 feet. Two feet? I ask her. And how do you even know its two feet? She hands me the ticket. This could be the opening scene of a TV show. A bad TV show, but still. The petty grievances of put-upon men have given us the darker episodes of Seinfeld (which is to say the funnier ones), the funnier episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm (which is to say the darker ones), and the best episodes of the most revered and studied comedy on TV right now, Louie. Coming off its third season, Louie is like its predecessors in all the obvious ways (thinly ctionalized, frequently absurdist, expertly written and acted) but one: It has emotional and moral dimensions that stay with you long after the jokes end. Its funny, but its also a little sad and sometimes even poignant. Its great television. Its also on hiatus until next spring, so for now theres Maron, a new IFC show starring Louis C. K.s friend and podcast king Marc Maron. The similarities between the two shows are many, but theyre all supercialsingle-camera show, working comedian navigating the fringes of fame whereas the differences are essential. And critical. Louie is a likable Eeyore, a decent guy who often steps in it, but Maron is an open wound, running around Los Angeles picking ghts with real and would-be nemeses. The rst three episodes are nasty and exhausting, and the ctional version of Maron is just not much fun to be around. Audiences will accept a lot from their antiheroes cynicism, neuroses, the stink of failurebut nobody wants to be around an asshole all the time. The show might get better, but in the meantime we can look forward to the rest of what Louie hath wrought. NBC has already picked up a comedy with Michael J. Fox playing Mike, a father and husband who gets diagnosed with Parkinsons and plays his daily struggles for what pass as laughs on NBC. And then theres comedian John Mulaneys as-yet-to-be-picked-up sitcom about a joke writer named John. There will be others. After Louie comes the ood.

A LWAY S

SOMETIMES

NEVER

26 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

Watch the Visual Rule in action by scanning here with Netpage.

I L LU ST R AT I O N S BY W E S L E Y M E R R I T T

Ever wonder how we make our delicious Vanilla Honey Caramel Greek Frozen Yogurt? No? Well, well tell you anyway. First, the bees churn out the honey we swirl into our creamy Greek yogurt. Then, we stir in the Fair Trade vanilla and the caramel swirls, before putting the whole concoction in the freezer. Not the bees though, they taste weird.

Its really Greekin good.

A S TO L D BY

LAURA HADDOCK
A BLIND MAN AND HIS SEEINGeye dog come to a busy intersection. Ignoring the high volume of trafc zooming by, the dog leads the man right into the thick of it. Horns blare as panicked drivers try desperately not to hit the pair. They reach the other side of the street, and the man pulls out a cookie and offers it to the dog. A passerby says, Why are you rewarding your dog? He nearly got you killed! The blind man says, To nd out where his head is, so I can kick his ass.
ABOUT THE JOKESTER: Before she was cast in Da Vincis Demons on Starz, Laura Haddock appeared in plenty of UK TV and movies that didnt quite make it stateside. Now that shes here, shes officially overtaken the Cadbury Flake in our personal hierarchy of British imports. The 27-year-old plays Lucrezia Donati, a foil to Leonardo on the show created by Dark Knight trilogy cowriter David Goyer. Shes settling in nicely to the American way of shooting: I think the sound of an American accent makes everything suddenly feel really professional. Weve got to be making something pretty big because theres an American involved! We think shell do just fine here in the States. M AT T G O U L E T

cannot guarantee that this * Esquire joke will be funny to everyone.

28 E S Q U I R E

Laura Haddock has a few important Esquire service announcements. Scan here with Netpage to watch them.

PHOTOGRAPH BY CHRIS FORTUNA

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All-wheel drive available on MINI Cooper S Paceman ALL4. 2013 MINI USA, a division of BMW of North America, LLC. The MINI name, model names and logo are registered trademarks.

MAN AT HIS BES T

B Y M A R K WA R R E N

IF YOURE KHALED HOSSEINI, WHOSE LAST TWO NOVELS SOLD 38 MILLION COPIES, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO

HOW TO WRITE A BEST SELLER


wasnt sure I was supposed to like The Kite Runner,

as my impression was that it was more of a womans book, a young colleague of mine tells me. And what, by contrast, is a mans book? I ask. Something more overtly masculine, less emotional, less loving. Less loving? Something more dick-on-the-table, he says. But in spite of my confusion, I couldnt put the book down. I thought it was great. And millions of other people agreed with this guy, making The Kite Runner one of the most surprising runaway best sellers ever. Just goes to show the impediments a truly marvelous story can overcome. When a book sells a million copies, it is regarded as wildly successful, but when you sell 38 million books (when you sell 38 million of anything, really), as Hosseini did with his rst two novels, you qualify as a phenomenon and a cultural force, and when you
No. 179 No matter how tempting, e-mails from unknown people with the subject line Hi babe! are not to be opened. No. 267 The simper is the most underrated of facial expressions.

are one of the 38 million readers, you become part of a movement, a throng. After that, you have expectations and needs that, if a writer is smart, he or she will try to meet in subsequent books. Write a book like that and you will do well to write another one just like it. By that measure, Hosseini will not disappoint his audience with And the Mountains Echoed (Riverhead, $29). Like his previous books, the new novel is a complex mosaic, a portrait of the Afghan diaspora as it is folded into the West and of those left behind. And more so than his other books, the new novel is designed specically to hit the pleasure centers of Hosseinis by-now-rapt audience. The book is elevated by a strong sense of parable and some nely drawn characters and is inventively constructed as it leaps from voice to voicehere a female narrator, there a maleand from Kabul to Paris to San Francisco. In fact, but for his rst two novels, this mightve been one of the more interesting books Ive read in a long time. Hosseini is not a poet (although a ne writer), yet it is the world he creates, and the emotions that he relentlessly mines, that will get you in the end. And that is the problem with this book, if one can call it a problem: I couldnt help but feel as I nished the book that I was supposed to be exhausted of my emotions, and because I wasnt, that I had somehow failed the book. Very much like a Spielberg lm, if I didnt share the singular emotional response its creator had intended and had been riding me roughshod towardif I wasnt devastatedthen maybe my emotions werent working correctly. Or maybe its the books fault. Maybe, now that he has become no mere writer but a franchise, Hosseini should have the license and the condence to do something completely different. But is that fair? Why on earth would J. K. Rowling leave Hogwarts (even though she now has)? And when you think of it, the great Philip Roth never wrote a thing that wasnt about Philip Roth. But of course, Hosseini is not burdened by Roths talent. And maybe if Roth had ever sold 38 million of anything, I would have had my ll years ago and yearned for him to try setting a novel in, say, Afghanistan for a change. No, less successful authors do not face this dilemma. And Hosseini will get away with it this time, with the completion of his triptych, because And the Mountains Echoed is just good enough.
No. 983 The use of the expression Good gravy! invalidates your alarm. No. 984 Unless youre talking about some really good gravy, then by all means.

THE RULES

No. 398 Never Google Image search a word ending in -osis.

32 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

Clip, Save, Share, from any page. Download free from the iTunes App Store or Google Play.

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THE LIMITLESS UTILITY OF THOSE FANCY-LOOKING BOTTLES

WHY THE APERITIF


o make vermouth, you steep a little bit of worm-

or whiskey (or whatever) and ones that require a third ingredient to do their best work: TWO-INGREDIENT APERITIFS: These tend to be slightly bitter, like vermouth with an edge, except when theyre even milder. The old mainstays here are Dubonnet ($16), which comes off as a slightly altered vermouth: lightly bitter, juicy, and simple, and Lillet blanc ($20), which is so mild that its best to mix it with subtle spirits, such as Irish whiskey or one of the softer gins. Dubonnet works ne with bourbon, blended Scotch, or any gin. Byrrh ($19), almost impossible to order by name in a bar, is like a more robust Dubonnet, while Cocchi Americano Aperitivo ($19) is like a more robust Lillet. You can go dark rum or full-on rye with the rst, and even break out the tequila with the second. More bitter yetalthough still relatively restrainedare the dark, dry, and spicy Punt e Mes ($25) and the Bonal GentianeQuina ($19), which gets its bitterness not only from the cinchona bark that tends to drive the others in this class but also the funky, more bitter gentian root. These can stand up to pretty much anything you want to mix them with, short of straight absinthe. Finally, theres the delicate, almost completely nonbitter Maurin Quina ($39), which is essentially a vermouth infused with cherries. It makes a hell of a manhattan, especially if you prefer a cherry to a twist.
LIKE THIS: THE HATTAN

wood and a number of other spices in wine that has been beefed up with a distilled spirit and let everything rest for a while. In the late-19th century, American bartenders discovered that the resulting product was ideal for rounding the sharp edges off a cocktail, made theretofore with only spirits, sugar, bitters, and ice. The vermouth not only smooths out the drink and adds a pleasing complexity, it also lowers the alcohol content without thinning its textureuseful if you want to stick around for more than a round or two. Its not just vermouth that does this, as they knew back then. The 19th century saw the launch of a whole raft of French aperitifs and Italian aperitiviliterally openers, given their supposed appetitestimulating qualities. These took the basic vermouth formula and tweaked the botanicals, usually upping the bitterness in the process. On their own, perhaps not the most exciting things to drink, at least to an American palate like ours. But mix them with a good, strong spirit and youve got a dead-simple, stimulating, and delicious cocktail. Before Prohibition, there were dozens of drinks on the books based on this principle. Nowadays, there are hundreds, as modern bartenders have rediscovered the old opener with a vengeance. Here, then, is our guide to a round dozen of these openers, many of them imported for the rst time in decades. To make things simpler, weve divided them into those that make a satisfying drink when mixed in equal parts (or one third/two thirds) with your gin

An abbreviated manhattan. Quick and damn tasty. > Stir with cracked ice: 1 1/2 oz Rittenhouse rye and 1 1/2 oz Maurin Quina. Strain into a chilled cocktail coupe and twist a swatch of thin-cut lemon peel over the top.
THREE-INGREDIENT APERITIFS: In our experience, these work best mixed in equal parts with booze and vermouth, which cushions their intensity. Campari ($27), the agship here, is both intenseintensely bitter, sweet, and redand indispensable when mixed with gin or bourbon or anything thats got oomph. At 24 percent alcohol, its also appreciably more alcoholic than the others. Like Campari, Aperol ($22), its training-wheel version, is made not from wine but neutral spirits. Its bitter, of course, although less so and only 11 percent alcohol. If, perish the thought, Campari is too wimpy for you, theres Gran Classico Bitter ($33), which is darker, more bitter, more vegetal, and even higher in alcohol. Finally, Salers ($20) and Suze ($30) are a couple of spirit-based high-gentian aperitifs, dry and lightly vegetal and almost as intense as Campari. Mix the Suze with a sweet white vermouth and a blanco tequila. LIKE THIS: THE NEGRANDE

A ghty Negroni. > Stir with cracked ice: 1 oz high-proof gin (such as Old Raj, Haymans Royal Dock, or Perrys Tot), 1 oz Gran Classico Bitter, and 1 oz Dolin blanc or Martini & Rossi Bianco sweet white vermouth. Strain into a chilled cocktail coupe and twist a swatch of thin-cut orange peel over the top.

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37

COOKING SCHOOL
MONTH

E SQ.

Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec
HOW TO

CUT VEGETABLES
The Diagonal or Bias

FINALLY, A QUICK, FOOLPROOF WAY TO MAKE ANY VEGETABLE TASTE GOOD


As told to Francine Maroukian

THE VEGETABLE EPIPHANY

m a chef who grew up in the era just before the green-market revolution. Like so many others, my mother was a Birds Eye queen, and the Jolly Green Giant was her best friend, always hiding in the cupboard. So as I grew older and my passion for food grew, I wanted to come up with a simple, tasty, and healthy way to prepare garden or green-market vegetables. After many years of cooking, I nd myself always returning to this one tried-and-true technique. It never fails me, and my guests always want to know how I did it. Simplicity, I tell them. The secret lies in the technique, and after a couple tries, youll pick it right up. To use a restaurant phrase, its done la minutein a minute, or done to order. The goal is a reduced sauce clinging to vegetables that still have their picked-from-the-garden taste. Theres another phrase in professional kitchens: mise en place, meaning all the ingredients prepped and in place before you start cooking. So now when I tell you these vegetables go from place to plate in about four minutes, you know what I mean. CH EF MI CH A EL KA P H A N

Use on straight, slender vegetables, like asparagus, scallions, and carrots. The elongated oval exposes more surface area and reduces cooking time, useful in stirfries. For asparagus, trim rough ends. Holding the knife at an angle (the sharper the angle, the more elongated the oval), cut the stems on the diagonal, adjusting the angle of the blade so pieces are uniform.

The Dice

1 1/2 tbsp unsalted butter, divided in half 1 shallot, diced 1/2 lb pencil asparagus, cut on the diagonal

> Heat a skillet over medium-high heat. Add half the butter, the shallot, asparagus, morels, and thyme, swirling the pan

**If you cant find morels, use 3 oz of another seasonal wild mushroom, like chanterelles or porcinis or shaved truffles if you want to splurge.

*Other excellent vegetable combinations: Sugar snaps and shaved hakurei turnips, corn kernels and shiitake mushrooms, English peas and fava beans, snow peas and sunchokes, haricots verts and summer squash.

38 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

Still dont get it? Watch this episode of the Esquire Cooking School on video with Netpage.

I L LU ST R AT I O N S BY J O E M CK E N D R Y

RECIPE: Asparagus and Morels* CHEF: Michael Kaphan RESTAURANT: Purdys Farmer & the Fish North Salem, New York

5 medium morel mushrooms,** cleaned and halved leaves picked from several sprigs of thyme 1/4 cup chicken stock wedge of lemon coarse salt and ground black pepper to taste

to disperse. > When the vegetables start to sweat out (but before they pick up any color), add the chicken stock. It will sizzle and come quickly to a boil. Add the remaining butter, and as it melts, toss to coat the vegetables with sauce. There shouldnt be a pool in the pan. > Squeeze in lemon

juice and adjust seasonings if need be. (It will depend on the saltiness of the stock you use, so taste before you commit.) Serves 2.

Increases surface area of carrots, celery root, parsnips, onions, beets, etc., so more of the ingredient touches the pan. If youre sweating the vegetable, it shortens cooking time, preserving fresh flavor; if browning, it means more surface to brownalso more flavor. Trim round sides so that each side has a flat surface. Cut crosshatch-style into quarter-inch cubes.

COMPLETE D A I LY F O R M U L A FUELS ENERGY AND SUPPORTS CALORIE BURNING.

The cooking competition gets real.

TUES APR 23 9 |8c ON THE NEW


EsquireTV.com

THE UPGRADE:

WITH THE RIGHT STEREO SYSTEM, YOU CAN STOP LISTENING TO MUSIC AND START EXPERIENCING IT
BY PETER MARTIN

COMPONENT STEREOS

MUSIC
2013

nlike most of the docks, AirPlay speakers, and TVs tuned to satellite radio that many of us use to listen to music, a component stereo system plays songs the way artists meant for them to be heard: clear and full, with a depth that makes listening to an album feel like being at a concert. Your Macklemore bootlegs will sound better than ever. But rst, an important step: Prepare yourself. You cannot become an audiophile, even a moderate one, without opening your wallet. Nope, wider. But there is some hope. While a top-of-the-line stereo can easily run you more than $100,000, Christopher

Hansen, co-owner of Simply Home Entertainment in Beverly Hills, says you can assemble an excellent system for around $4,000 (see next page). Or $13,000 (below) if youre feeling particularly ush. Start by nding your speakers. They have the clearest sonic ngerprint of any component, Hansen says. Change them and you change the dynamics of the sound. So if you listen primarily to Mahler, youll want different speakers than someone who listens to A$AP Rocky. Just be sure to test the speakers with your music in the store before buying. From there, youll want to pick your preamp and amp. You could buy these together as a combined integrated amp C O N T I N U E D

THE $13,000 SYSTEM


4

42 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

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is coming

black sheep .

Indian Motorcycle is a division of Polaris Industries Inc. 2013 Polaris Industries Inc.

Wolf.

to american motorcycles

THE $4,000 SYSTEM


7

A FEW FOR YOUR HEAD


5

C O N T I N U E D (if theres an incorporated tuner, too, its called a receiver)many less expensive setups do thisbut the more electronics you have in one component, the greater your chances of distortion. Think of the pre-amp as your control center. It receives the signal from your source and handles volume. The amp is your power center. In general, the bigger the speakersand the bigger the room you put them inthe more powerful an amp you need. Finally, you want to pick your source. Out of all the stereo components, this is the worst place to skimp. According to Hansen, if you dont start with good sonic details, even the most expensive components cant add them. Vinyl is best, he says, followed by CDs. Just forget about using your MP3s. Theyre so compressed, to use them on a good system would be like feeding corn chips to a thoroughbred.

expense of bass, which is why ML added a woofer. Pair them with the [2] Oppo BDP-105 ($1,199; oppodigital.com), which serves as a pre-amp and Bluray player and gives you exceptional clarity, whether youre listening to a CD or watching Magic Mike. For your amp, the two-channel, 75-watt [3] McIntosh MC275 ($6,500; mcintoshlabs.com) uses vacuum tubes to retain the warmth (that classic vinyl hiss that some people love) removed by modern transistors. It has 4-, 8-, and 16-ohm outputs, so it can handle the Ethosand nearly any other speakers you choose. Plus, well, its beautiful. If you prefer a more modern look and the crispness of transistors, the Pass Labs XA30.5 ($5,500; passlabs.com) and the B.M.C. CS2 ($8,390; aaudioimports.com) are also excellent choices. Tack on a [4] Sonos Connect ($349; sonos.com) and youll be able to play music from any other source in the house.
THE $4,000 SYSTEM

B OW E RS & WILKINS P3 Small, comfortable, and affordable, with clear, rich sound and minimal weight. ($200; bowerswilkins.com)

THE $13,000 SYSTEM [1] MartinLogan Ethos ($6,795 per pair; martinlo-

gan.com) speakers are electrostatic, with a curved panel that helps disperse your music throughout a room. With electrostatic, a thin plastic lm is placed between two steel mesh panels and charged with electricity, forcing it to move and produce sound waves. The technology gives you less distortion than traditional dynamic speakers, but often at the

For an excellent setup at a slightly lower price (say you have a family that wants to eat or wear weather-appropriate clothing), Hansen recommends the [5] Marantz CD5004 CD player ($349; marantz. com), the [6] PM5004 integrated amplifier ($449), and [7] Paradigm Signature S2 speakers ($3,398 per pair; paradigm.com).

GRADO GS1000i The standard of design and fidelity. Not to be sullied through use with an iPod. ($995; gradolabs.com)

INVESTMENT-WORTHY DOCKS
8 9

For those of us who dont want to dedicate a good portion of our living-room space to a stereo, the best choice is a wireless speaker. You can get a good one for $200 to $300 (try the Samsung DA-E670; samsung.com), but lately companies have been

introducing higher-end versions that come closer to replicating the sound and power of a component system. The best (and most expensive) weve seen is the [8] McIntosh McAire ($3,000), an all-in-one system that runs on Apples AirPlay. For

a quarter the priceand with a much more modern design theres Monsters recently introduced [9] Katana ($700; monsterproducts.com), a two-foot Bluetooth speaker that manages to make music feel as if its coming from all around you.

PA R ROT Z I K Noise-canceling Bluetooth that knows when you take it off your head and automatically pauses. ($400; parrot.com)

44 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

You can buy some of the items mentioned in this story now by scanning here with Netpage.

Get a Hold of Your Finances


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like I do on my fingernails? You do. Theyre just less common and harder to see. 5. Why are toenail clippers so much bigger than fingernail clippers? Because your toenails are bigger. And thicker. Also, the atter arc of toenail clippers allows for a straighter, easier cut. 6. Is there anything I can do about my sweaty feet? Like 2 to 3 percent of Americans, you could be suffering from hyperhidrosis. Its not a big deal. DeSantis recommends washing your feet thoroughly with antibacterial soap and dusting them with Gold Bond to remove excess moisture. You can also switch from cotton to synthetic socks, which wick sweat away instead of absorbing it. If that doesnt work, try antiperspirant. It blocks sweat glands on your feet just as it does under your arms. Or there are always Botox injections, which last several months and can cost upwards of $1,500. 7. Do I really need flipflops to take a shower at the gym? Yes. Unless you like athletes foot. 8. Why do fingernails grow so much faster than toenails? Nobody knows, but scientists speculate ngernails receive greater blood ow, since they are closer to your heart. 9. Warts are contagious? Sure are. Warts, which you are likelier to contract if you

already suffer from germfestering conditions like athletes foot or hyperhidrosis, can be passed on through direct or indirect contact (like that gym shower you were so blas about). DeSantis says the warts on your feet are caused by a strain of the human papillomavirus the same virus that causes genital warts. 10. How do I get rid of this hard little knot of skin on the bottom of my foot? It doesnt usually hurt. Its probably just a callus, which can form due to excessive pressure. If it doesnt bother you, leave it alone. If you decide you dont like it, you can scrape it down with a pumice stone, but if its deep, see a professional. 11. My girlfriend left her nail brush in the shower. Is there any real benefit to this thing? Nope. DeSantis says nail brushes do nothing for you, and using someone elses puts you at risk of catching a fungus. 12. Anything else I should be aware of? Dont forget sunscreen. Every year DeSantis notices an increase in melanoma on feet as more people wear ip-ops. Nothing ruins beach time faster than skin cancer. Rodney Cutler is an Ironman triathlete and the owner of Cutler salons in New York City.
Questions of your own? Send them to us at editor@esquire.com.

LIGHTNING ROUND:

ITS TIME FOR BEACHES, FLIP-FLOPS, AND FINALLY CARING FOR THOSE THINGS YOU USUALLY HIDE IN SHOES. ANY QUESTIONS?
BY RODNEY CUTLER

SUMMER FEET

1. I dont want pretty feet, just unembarrassing feet. What should I be doing? You probably already know to cut your toenails straight, leaving just a sliver of white at the top. Rounding them like you would your ngernails leads to ingrown toenails, then pain. Maybe puss. Once a week, remove any calluses or dry, dead skin with a pumice stone or foot le. Itll take a minute. Two, tops. (If you have diabetes, podiatrist Dr. Jeffrey DeSantis suggests leaving the exfoliation to your doctor, since poor circulation can dull sensation and prevent you from noticing when youve scraped too far.) And try a little lotion when you get out of the shower. Youll keep your heels from looking crackedand maybe stop snagging your sheets.

2. Lotion? Yes, lotion. Get something with peppermint. It smells nice. 3. What about me? I want pretty feet. Consider the professional pedicure: calluses scraped down, ingrown toenails removed, skin softened through various soaks and ointments. Plus, you get a foot rub. Just ask them not to buff your nails, which tends to look like you got a coat of clear polish. One warning: Some salons dont properly disinfect between customers, which can lead to fungal infections. If youre particularly worried about this, DeSantis recommends investing in and bringing your own tools. 4. Why dont I get little white dots on my toenails

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45

more people are exposed to it, the less scary it will be and the more approachable. We can only hope. Maybe one day itll be fun for the whole family. There are so many sexual-enhancement products for men, but none for women. Not even those herbal packets at gas stations. Why not? Simply put, its because women dont get hard-ons. Erectile dysfunction is easily observable, at least in theory. The penis functions much like a simple hydraulic pump and therefore can be fixed with medication by anyone with a pump license. Female sexual response, on the other hand, functions like a dream catcher, which makes it harder to interpret. Theres no medicine that improves sexual desire in women, says Dr. Dana R. Gossett, chief of gynecology at Northwestern Memorial Hospital. People have tried a variety of things...but often its simply a question of the woman deciding that sexuality is once again a priority. (Since thatll never happen, there are over-thecounter topical medications you can try.) I agree that its unfair that society places a higher premium on the ability of men to enjoy sex, but unfortunately the arousal of men is worth more evolutionarily. If men dont get it up, the whole thing goes down.
Got a sex question of your own? E-mail it to us at sex@esquire.com.
TO P : I L LU ST R AT I O N BY J O H N C U N E O

DO ANIMALS CHEAT?
their taxes? At Cheat how? C Cheat how? On On thei t heir r tax t ax x to cards? car ds? I wi will ll tak take e your your silence s mean mea n that that youre your yo ure e asking ask aski ki if anand if thats imals ima ls have have affairs, affairs, affai rs, a the case, case, wh what at I ha have ve e to tell you surprise: Only may co come c com me as a surp s urp p 3 percent mammals, which nt of ma mam m Im pretty su sure most animals ure em are, are monogamous. The other 97 percent say only that its complicated. Of the animals in committed relationships, some do cheat, but only when theres a good reason and it doesnt interfere with their main activity: murder (or, as they call it, eating). Birds are the real dogs. Theres a lot of evidence of females moving off the area they share with the male at first light in the morning and going over to a neighboring territory, mating with a neighboring male, and coming back, says biologist David Westneat, who specializes in avian social and reproductive behavior. Theyre mating with males that have some qualities that appear to be better than their pair-bonded mates...a more elaborate song, a brighter plumage, or theyre bigger or older. So like I said, when theres a good reason. It seems the only animal that never cheats is the California mouse, which I suspect is because no one wants to fuck it. Essentially, its almost impossible to determine what constitutes animal infidelity (or, as they call it, rape), but for what its worth, Id like to say that Ive known some very faithful pigs. If BDSM is so popular, why have I never encountered it? Whoever said it was popular, hmm? Tell me who and Ill see that hes severely reprimanded. BDSM, or what regular folk call S&M, is by its very nature too slippery to measure. Few studies are conducted, and the most recent one (1993 is considered recent, yes?) found that only 14 percent of men and 11 percent of women have had some personal experience with S&M, which is not only vague but most likely inaccurate, since participants change their answers every time you spank them. FetLife.com, which is considered the Facebook of fetishes (though I thought that was what MySpace was), boasts two million users. That does sound like a lot until you put it into perspective: Of the 20 million people watching NCIS last Tuesday, only 5 percent were gagged and chainednot quite as many as your mom and her book club would have you believe. I think it will certainly get there eventually, says Mike B. of Fetish Tribe, a BDSM community. The

...A N D OTHER TOPICS

Do hill people still exist? Yes, and most of them have shows on TLC.

Whatever happened to acid rain? Global warming fixed it.

Is it ever okay for a man to say the word yay ? If he just got great tickets to the One Direction show.

How old can my FB profile picture be before Im misleading people? Youre already misleading people.

What do cats dream about? Revenge.

46 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

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PROMOTION

BY INVITATION ONLY

WOODFORD RESERVE & ESQUIRE MANHATTAN EXPERIENCE FINALE


Woodford Reserve and Esquire crowned this years Master of the Manhattan at the gala nale of the Manhattan Experience cocktail competition at No. 8 in NYC on January 7th. Master of Ceremonies Kelly Choi guided the energetic crowd as the top regional winners displayed their mixology expertise for a panel of celebrity judges. Detroits Travis Fourmont took home the title with his masterful creation, the Midnight Manhattan. View the full recipe at www.woodfordreserve.com/manhattanexperience.
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1 Kyle Grosz 2 Woodford Reserve Brand Manager Laura Petry, Michael Symon, Master of Ceremonies Kelly Choi 4 Manhattan Experience JudgesDavid Wondrich, Chris Morris, Andy Seymour 5 Garron Gore, Marc Yanga, Charles Tappan, Chris Morris, Travis Fourmont, Christopher Ryan James, Kyle Grosz 6 Charles Tappan 7 Tony Makayev, Christopher Ryan James (front), Kyle Grosz (back), Travis Fourmont, Garron Gore, Charles Tappan, Marc Yanga 9 Master of the Manhattan Winner Travis Fourmont
Photographer Credit: Craig Giambrone

WW1 CHRONOGRAPHE MONOPOUSSOIR Tel +1.888.307.7887 e-Boutique: www.bellross.com

M AY 2013

P H O T O G R A P H B Y W E S T O N W E L L S . S H O T O N L O C A T I O N A T B R O O K LY N W I N E R Y, B R O O K LY N , N E W Y O R K .

The Next Chapter for

Perry Ellis
Perry, Ralph, Calvin: With those three names, you get all that was good and right and exciting about mens style in the early 1980s. Ralph Lauren was the traditional one; Calvin Klein the minimalist one; and Perry Ellis the unpredictable one, shooting straight down the middle with clothes that could look both preppy and urbane, accessible and unexpected. A new capsule line, Perry Ellis by Duckie Brown, recaptures some of that old magic in the hands of Duckies design duo, Steven Cox and Daniel Silver. In a collection called 50 Shades of Khaki, Cox and Silver have created slim-cut suits and tailored separates, suede bomber jackets and hand-knit sweaters in many, many shades of khaki, ranging from off-white to borderline brown. Ellis, who died in 1986, wore khaki chinos pretty much every day, and its easy to imagine him mixing and matching all the khakis here in different combinations. Care to give it a try? Two-button cotton jacket ($720), cotton shirt ($264), cotton trousers ($395), and leather shoes, Perry Ellis by Duckie Brown.
Use Netpage to buy select items from this section. Visit Esquires online home for daily style news at esquire.com/style.

49

ESQUIRE STYLE 05.2013

THE ENDORSEMENT

THE BEST SOCKS IN THE WORLD


Dress socks are a problem, and the problem is a) dress socks fking suck, and b) since boyhood, weve been trained to accept terrible dress socks as one of the many prices we pay for being a man. Here are the ways in which dress socks suck: 1. They are almost always wool. Wool makes feet itch. Wool makes feet hot. Socks should not be wool. 2. Within a few wearings, most dress socks refuse to stay up and begin to pool around at least one of your ankles. 3. Sometimes they are sheer. The dress socks made by a man named VK Nagrani are perfect. They are mostly cotton, with some other stuff blended in. Not only do they stay up, they also caress your calves. The only thing I can compare the sensation to is the way Under Armour compression shorts, you know, snug you up. Ive told people that these socks have changed my life. Their reaction falls into one of two camps. One camp is mystified; these people I write off as insensate. The other camp wants the URL. Now. Its VKNagrani.com.* $38 a pair. DAV I D G R AN G ER

THE EXTRA 10 PERCENT

The New Way to Wear

White Shoes
The first thing you want to do is relax your denition. White

need not mean the color of a brand-new piece of chalk or celebrity dentistry. In fact, its probably better if it doesnt. Instead, look for a shade that has a hint of brown and some depth to it. You might also consider looking beyond your classic low-cut lace-ups. Billy Reid, the designer of these here kickers, calls them shoe-bootsa hybrid of the inherently formal lace-up and the casual-skewing ankle boot. Stake out the middle ground and walk far. Calfskin suede shoe-boots ($395) by Billy Reid.

HOW TO WEAR IT
McGregor, E.

*You can also buy them at great stores like Richards or Mitchells on the East Coast and Marios in Seattle.

T H E ( SU M M E R S O C K ) RU L E S N E V E R W I T H B OAT S H O E S, SA N DA LS, O R E S PA D R I L L E S. // SO C KS O R N OT, U S E A H E AV Y H A N D W I T H T H E G O L D B O N D O R B A BY P OW D E R. I T S SU M M E R: YOU R F E E T W I L L SW E AT. // T H E DA R I N G N E SS O F T H E S H O E S H O U L D B E I N D I R ECT P RO P O RT I O N TO T H E SU BT L E T Y O F T H E SO C K. // YOU R F E E T M AY H U RT A N D YOU R D O G S M AY B A R K, B U T YOU R TO OT S I E S M U ST N E V E R AC H E .

R E A L LY, R E A L LY W H I T E

Bright-white leather loafers. Wear with anything except socks, preferably when youre tan. By Ovadia & Sons ($595). ).

Classic white leather oxfords. Wear with a seersucker or cotton suit. Florsheim own by Duckie Brown ($150). ).

Cream-colored wing tips. Wear with anything. Socks optional. By y Esquivel E 950). ($950).

Khaki linen-covered lace-ups. Wear with jeans. (The textures will complement each other.) chs ($ By Churchs ($460).

Brown suede wing-tip double-monk-straps. Wear with chinos in a contrasting color. tra By OKeeffe OKeeff ($620).

50 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

TO P L E F T: P H OTO G R A P H B Y W E STO N W E L L S

THE SUMMER SHOE SCALE

N O T R E A L LY W H I T E AT A L L

We made the best Civic even better.


Introducing a funner, smarter, techier Honda Civic. Funner, with Pandora compatibility.1 Smarter, with a customizable multi-informational display and SMS texting functionality. 2 Techier, with standard features 3 USB integration 4 and rear view like Bluetooth, camera. Basically, its everythinger.

1 Pandora,

the Pandora logo, and the Pandora trade dress are trademarks or registered trademarks of Pandora Media, Inc. Used with permission. Compatible with select smartphones. See: www.pandora.com/everywhere/mobile. Not all devices compatible with USB connection. Your wireless carriers rate plans apply. 2 Compatible with select phones with Bluetooth. Your wireless carriers rate plans apply. State or local laws may limit use of texting feature. Only use texting feature when conditions allow you to do so safely. 3 The Bluetooth word

mark and logos are owned by the Bluetooth SIG, Inc., and any use of such marks by Honda Motor Co., Ltd., is under license. 4 The USB Audio Interface is used for direct connection to and control of some current digital audio players and other USB devices that contain MP3, WMA or AAC music files. Some USB devices with security software and digital rights-protected files may not work. Please see your Honda dealer for details. EX - L model shown. 2013 American Honda Motor Co., Inc.

ESQUIRE STYLE 05.2013

THE RESTLESS MAN

COMMENT

New Bag
C
H

So You Need a

THE THING ABOUT GATSBY


There is the whitesuit thing. And the gold-tie thing. And the shirts with stripes and scrolls and plaids in coral and apple-green and lavender and faint orange, with monograms of Indian blue thing. But the most important thing to know about Jay Gatsby, from his earliest days as ink on paper to his latest (3-D!) turn in Baz Luhrmanns new film, has always been his aspiration. He dressed the way he wished to be perceived and treated, thus ensuring that he would be perceived and treated as such. At parties. Doing business. We are fundamentally against cribbing the style of othersleave mimicry to mynah birds but if you brave The Great Gatsby this month and borrow anything from its hero (and the clothing created for him by Catherine Martin, the films costume designer), remember this: What you wear can be just as persuasive and definitive as what you do or say. You always look so cool, Daisy says to Gatsby in the new movie. The man in the cool, beautiful shirts. Could that be you? We think it could be you. It could be you.

A
1

>

HA

ND

LE

IT

BE A
T

1. Tods: The Double Stripe, a new luggage collec-

3. Tommy Hilfiger: Its a tough to rucksackkind of.

tion from Tods, has the distinctive title feature shooting straight down the middle of all its pieces. Since its made in soft calfskin (the customer is able to choose from six different colors) and costs a months rent, its best handled with care. $1,665. 2. Ghurka: The cotton-twill shell is both water and stain repellent (and the khaki color conceals dirt), but given the buttery leather handles and the brass detailing (and the four-gure price tag that reects them), we recommend taking it easy on the beautiful bastard. $1,295.

The pleated pocket in the center offers quick access to important items, and the cotton-and-linen shell can take a beating. Also, given the price, you wont feel quite so bad putting it to the test. $350. 4. Ben Sherman: Hardy canvas shell. Dark, dirtconcealing color. Easy-to-swallow price. Do your worst. $248. 5. Coach: Yes, its leather. But its pebbled cowhide, and given the simplicity of the design and the shape, its the kind of leather bag that only looks better the more nicks and crannies it picks up. Treat it accordingly. $898.

CHALK THIS UP TO A WEIRD-SOUNDING COLLABORATION THAT ACTUALLY WORKS. THE OUTSIDE OF THIS ROLLING SUITCASE IS PURE RIMOWAALL LIGHTWEIGHT, TOUGH-AS-HELL, SLIGHTLY MENACING BLACK ALUMINUM. INSIDE, HOWEVER, THE THIN QUILTED LINING IS STUFFED WITH DOWN BY MONCLER, THE BETTER TO PROVIDE A COCOONLIKE ENVELOPE FOR WHATEVER YOURE PACKING. THE LINING HELPS KEEP THINGS FROM SHIFTING AROUND AND PROTECTS YOUR CARGO FROM ANY POTENTIAL TRAUMA. $1,700.
54 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3
Clip, Save, Share, from any page. Download free from the iTunes App Store or Google Play.

RIMOWA BY MONCLER

B OT TO M L E F T: P H OTO G R A P H B Y W E STO N W E L L S

THE COLL ABORATION

>

2013 A GENESCO COMPANY

JOHNSTONMURPHY.COM /KICKOFCOLOR

ESQUIRE STYLE 05.2013

Ask Nick
IM DUE FOR AN EYE EXAM AND WAS HOPING FOR SOME TIPS ON STURDY, FASHIONABLE EYEWEAR. MY TEN-MONTH-OLDS FAVORITE NEW GAME IS YANKING MY CURRENT GLASSES OFF MY FACE AND LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. UNTIL I CAN CONVINCE HIM OTHERWISE, ANY SUGGESTIONS NEED TO BE ABLE TO SURVIVE THAT.

fig. 1

Sullivan
T H E E S Q U I R E FAS H I O N D I R E CT O R W I L L N OW TA K E YO U R Q U E ST I O N S
RECOMMEND LOAFERS THAT LOOK PROFESSIONAL? JOE ZADROZNY SHANGHAI, CHINA

fig. 2

JEREMY JOSLIN CHICAGO, ILL.

Id look for classic leathersoled loafers like Allen Edmondss Walden style [Fig. 4, $250] in a deep cognac or chestnut. You can wear them with anything except a black suit. But thats okayyoure not wearing black are you?
MICHAEL KORS [FIG. 5] WEARS A T-SHIRT AND BLAZER LIKE A UNIFORM. CAN A NORMAL PERSON DO THIS, OR DO YOU HAVE TO BE A MOGUL? TYLER PROW NEW YORK, N.Y.

In my experience, no specs are indestructible, and no ten-month-old stoppable. Ive ruined more glasses than I care to admit, and its an expensive problem. Or it was before Warby Parker plopped onto the optical scene a few years ago. The New York based company set out to make specs that are easy, attractive, and relatively affordable. Now $95 will get you the frames and lenses, such as mine in the Crosby style [Fig. 1]. And for every pair you buy, a pair of prescription specs is provided to a sight-challenged person in an impoverished region of the world. Its a win-win.
IM A SIMPLE MAN WHO ENJOYS STAYING HOME WITH MY FAMILY. BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I DO LIKE TO GET DRESSED UP TO GO OUT FOR AN EVENING. IS THERE A RULE FOR DETERMINING WHEN TO WEAR A FULL SUIT OR MERELY A SPORT COAT? TERENCE CONDRICH CLEVELAND, OHIO

$650] is the nexus of the whole thing.) However, therein lies a paradox: Because the sport coat is increasingly ubiquitous and even common, its not automatically the stuff of dressing up anymore. A special evening requires special attire. Wear your suit.
MONOGRAMS ON SHIRTS: YES OR NO? AND IF SO, WHERE? AND WHAT FONT OR STYLE SHOULD BE AVOIDED? DAVE COOK JAKARTA, INDONESIA A

fig. 3

fig. 4

Terence, we are in something of a prime time for the sport coat, a period we have not been in for a good 20, even 30 years, and men most everywhere are looking for ways to express their inner steez with some variation of the piece. (Note: The crumpled unlined jacket [Fig. 2, by L.B.M. 1911,
56 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME IN ASIA, AND I HAVE TO TAKE MY Y SHOES OFF SEVERAL TIMES DURING THE DAY. LACE-UPS CAN BE A PAIN. CAN YOU

GOT A QUESTION FOR NICK SULLIVAN? E-MAIL HIM AT ESQST YLE@HEARST.COM.

I L LU ST R AT I O N BY B E R N D S C H I F F E R D E C K E R

Monogrammed shirts, like Coldplay and politics, are a matter of taste and thus beyond a mere thumbs-up or thumbs-down. Favored spots for the stitching are on the cuff (for the showy) [Fig. 3, by Hamilton Shirts]; below waistband-level on the lowerleft shirt front (for the discreet); and, in the Italian style, just above the waistband on the lower-left shirt front, making it visible above the waistband when you open n your jacket (discreet for Italians). As to fonts, I would avoid only the likes of old Gothic. Unless youre in a death-metal band.

fig. 5

Let me tell you a story: Last summer, the ranks of the mens fashion world arrived in Florence for Pitti Uomo in the midst of an even hotterthan-usual heat wave. Normally I wear a dress shirt, no tie, under an unlined jacket, but substandard air-conditioning proved to be a trial. I lasted midway through my rst day and then promptly changed into a slim-t T-shirt and threw the jacket back on. Over the next two weeks, just about everyone around me wore more or less the same thing. So while it may help to be fashion royalty, anyone can make it work provided you get one thing right: the t. Keep things crisp and close, and you should be ne. (Note: It should be stated that a certain editor in chief of a certain mens periodical is strongly against wearing T-shirts under jackets. This question and answer may not make it on page.)

ESQUIRE STYLE 05.2013

WATCHES REFERENCED

FIG. 1

Steel Radiomir Black Seal ($6,700) by Panerai.

HOW I DRESS NOW

THE LEAD SINGER OF VAMPIRE WEEKEND ON HIS FIRST WATCH, TIME AND MONEY, AND THE STYLE OF SUCCESS
I got my first watch a few weeks ago. Its a Casio retrotted with a three-color band: red, white, and black. People often mistake the black for blue and assume Im repping the French tricolor on my wrist. Once they realize the actual color scheme, they think its either Thom Browne or, very occasionally, the striped ag of Yemen. I go with Yemen because its ag is one of the few that references the concept of time: The red stands for the bloodshed of martyrs, the white for a bright future, and the black for the dark past. Past and future in a ag perfect for a watchband, no? Id never considered wearing a watch before, but it struck me as a sensible step toward spending less time on my phone. Its one less reason to pull out my preciousand perhaps a small step away from that hyperconnected, everything-allof-the-time modern anxiety. Ill admit its hard to fully trust something thats not connected to the Internet, but I think, with time, itll work out. Now that I have a watch, I notice other peoples watches. This leads to more conversations about watches and more time spent thinking about watches. This is a slippery slope: You start as an earnest young man whos trying to keep track of the precious minutes of life and suddenly youre a potbellied old bore trapped in endless conversations about Panerais [Fig. 1], waiting for death. Its a frightening thought. There is certainly something appealing about the elegance and craftsmanship of a well-made watch, but there is a dark side to modern watch culture, too.
58 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

EZRA KOENIG

FIG. 2

FIG. 4 Steel Aquanaut extra-large ($20, 300) by Patek Philippe.

Koenig is now touring with Vampire Weekend to support their latest record, Modern Vampires of the City, out this month. He currently knows what time it is.

F O R S T O R E I N F O R M AT I O N S E E P A G E 1 6 0 .

Jacques Sgula, the French millionaire and close friend of Sarkozy, famously stated on TV: Everyone has a Rolex [Fig. 2]. If you dont have a Rolex by the time you reach 50, then you have clearly failed in your life. Ive always been fascinated by this type of rich-guy talk; its easy to deride as the ramblings of an out-of-touch maniac, but maybe theres something heavier beneath the surface. The watch is a symbol of both money and time, right? A $20,000 Audemars Piguet [Fig. 3] on your wrist clearly shows that you are rich, but a watch, as opposed to a ring or chain or any other accessory, measures the one thing that money cant buy, the one thing that devours us all, rich and poor alike: time. Theres something almost tragic (or hilarious, depending on your sense of humor) about a French millionaire cradling this fancy toy that simultaneously aunts his status and ticks on toward the ultimate end of statusdeath, that great equalizer. But . . . what if Sgula is right? What if not having a Rolex by 50 really means you have failed in life? I am a very superstitious person. I need to understand. Do you have to wear the Rolex? Is secretly buying one and keeping it in your safe enough to ensure that you are a success? What about a Patek Philippe [Fig. 4]? Im going to do some research. Will let you know.

Steel Oyster Perpetual Explorer II ($8,100) by Rolex.

FIG. 3 Steel Royal Oak extra-thin ($22,500) by Audemars Pig uet.

TOP: PHOTOGRAPH BY DUSTIN AKSLAND

You cant rank any higher than this.


Bosch has been ranked Highest in Customer Satisfaction 1 with Dishwashers by J.D. Power and Associates.

The J.D. Power and Associates 2012 Kitchen Appliance Satisfaction StudySM ranks Bosch highest in customer satisfaction with dishwashers. And its easy to see why, since were the quietest dishwasher brand in the nation2 and weve got the awards and accolades to prove it. It just means a lot more coming from you, so thank you, America. www.bosch-home.com/us

2013 BSH Home Appliances Corporation. 1 Bosch received the highest numerical score for dishwashers in the proprietary J.D. Power and Associates 2012 Kitchen Appliance StudySM. Study based on 12,615 total responses measuring 16 brands, and measured opinions of consumers about their dishwashers obtained new in the past 24 months. Proprietary study results are based on experiences and perceptions of consumers surveyed in JanuaryFebruary 2012. Your experiences may vary. Visit jdpower.com. 2 Bosch offers the quietest dishwashers in the U.S., and no major brand offers a quieter model at any Bosch price point, based on internal research, February 2012. 13BJD12-14-108305-1

ONLINE
...BUT THE INTERNET WILL BE CLEANED UP YET
I L LU S T R AT I O N B Y J A M E S V I C TO R E

THERE ARE NO SAINTS

The Internet has reached peak hate. It had to. At every other moment in history when there has been an explosion of textwhether through social change, like the birth of a religious movement, or technological change, like the advent of printa period of nasty struggle ensued before the forces of civility reined it in. In the past few months alone, weve seen the catshing of Manti Teo, a professional tennis player quit because of trolling, and a rash of teenage suicides from cyberbullying alongside the by-nowstandard Twitter hatestorms of various strengths and durations. The sheer bulk of the rage at the moment can seem overwhelming. But the fact that we recognize it and have acknowledged its unacceptability is a sign of the ancient process reasserting itself yet again. The Internet is in the process of beComedian Bill Burr claims that ing civilized. exactly 13 percent of people Hate is a source of acknowlonline are cool. The rest are just a bunch of animals. edged pleasure. Hate-watching.

Hate-listening. Hate-reading. These are all things that you, your friends, and your neighbors, not monsters, likely do. We deliberately expose ourselves to objects of contempt to stoke inner outrage in order to enjoy the release of fury. Its not just online, though the Internet is the most obvious theater of cruelty. Whats new is how all the bullying is on the record, so you can see just how horric it is. Cyberbullying and its adult cousin, trolling, are merely the most extreme expressions of the low-level, mean-spirited abuse that lls every comment board and social-media forum. The change in tone is coming because the cost of hate is becoming clearer. The research on the psy- In the sentencing hearing chological effects of bullying has of Andrew Weev Auernheimer for hacking become much starker in its anal- into AT&Ts servers and ysis recently. In February, a long- stealing iPad users e-mail addresses, his hostile term study published in the Journal chat on Reddits Ask Me of the American Medical Association Anything was cited three by prosecutors. He Psychiatry established that bullies times was sentenced to more and their victims both have a higher than three years in prison.

60 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

Clip, Save, Share, from any page. Download free from the iTunes App Store or Google Play.

YOULL GET HOME SOME DAY & UR BITCHES THROAT WILL BE CUT & UR SON WILL BE GONE.
A tweet sent to Irish writer Leo Traynor. Later he received a Tupperware lunchbox full of ashes in the mail with a note: Say hello to your relatives from Auschwitz. It turns out the troll was his friends seventeen-year-old son.

HIDDEN ONLINE IDENTITIES


Anonymous commenters write 5 TIMES as much online as those who use their real names.

BEING AN ASSHOLE HURT S EVERYONE


Bullies:
4.1 TIMES

14.5 TIMES

63

Stephen Marche writes regularly on The Culture Blog (esquire.com/blogs/culture).

rate of mental illness for decades afterward. Science magazine reported on the effects of nasty comments about science stories online: Not only do they fail to improve debate, they also make people stupider. The nasty effect, as the researchers call it, has a polarizing effect in that readers react by becoming more entrenched in their previous opinions, whether positive or negative. The use of pseudonyms greatly increases how much people write onlineby as much as ve timesbut the depersonalization and the indirectness fuel abuse; people say things online they would never say to your face. But Twitter and Web comments are really just new expressions of that oldest of monsters: the crowd. Elias Canetti described the seething unstoppability of mass momentum fty years ago in Crowds and Power: The most important occurrence within the crowd is the discharge. Before this the crowd does not actually exist; it is the discharge which creates it. This is the moment when all who belong to the crowd get rid of their differences and feel equal. Hate is the crudest means to fellow feelingthe desire to overcome the alienation that the Internet is so amazing at provoking. Canetti even has a prescient explanation for why retweets are efProof that online hate fective and hatestorms die down as now fails: We used to fast as they rise up: The crowd, as have Borking. Now we have Hageling, berating a such, disintegrates. It has a presencandidate with the harshest timent of this and fears it. It can only personal assaults, only to have him become secretary go on existing if the process of disof defense anyway. charge is continued with new people who join it. The impermanence of Twitter, the fact that it dissipates in the mist of its own transience, is the source of its genius. It would be silly to blame Twitter or the comment boards for this human impulse. People are the problem, not technology. Every leap forward in our access to one another, The movement against Web hate is rippling every period in the intensication through Hollywood. Marc of discourse and debate, inevitably Jacobs, the coolest man in fashion, plays a cyber generates the question What are scumbag in Disconnect, the appropriate limits of speech? a new film about the ugly After the explosion of pamphlet perils of the Web.

as likely to have a panic disorder.

as likely to have an anxiety disorder.

culture in the seventeenth centurywhich created a froth of furious, often anonymous debatethe English created the Royal Society to regulate discourse and verify authorial integrity, as well as to establish a common framework for exchange. English boxer Curtis Woodhouse fullled the fantasy of many when he set out to confront his Twitter troll directly. Almost every day more civilizing efforts arrive, whether its the Illinois state legislature proposing an anti-anonymity bill or Google+ requiring ID verication or The Miami Herald shutting down anonymous comments or MITs media lab working out a bullying algorithm that can identify hurtful comments before theyre even posted. No less a prophet than Googles Eric Schmidt predicts the end of anonymity as governments lose their taste for unveried citizens and Web searches tie into online proles. The true cost of remaining anonymous, then, might be irrelevance, he says. Pretty soon, the anonymous will be nameless and marginalized even more. Voices in dark alleys to be ignored. But sheer experience is also altering the landscape. After youve been through one or two of these hatestorms, you recognize a very simple reality: They change nothing. As a promotion for his new show, comedian Nathan Fielder challenged Twitter to hurt his feelings, and nobody could manage it. Everybody knows there is a vague climate of hate surrounding everything that is distinct in any way. So who cares? Wildness is always followed by civilization, the root of civilization is civility, and the rules of civility have not meaningfully changed in two thousand years. Cicero outlined them in On Duties: Speak clearly. Dont speak too much. Make sure everybody has a chance. Dont interrupt. Alternate topics so that everybody can talk about something of in- Asshole of the Year: Michael terest to them. Dont criticize Brutsch, who went by the name Violentacrez (before people behind their backs. Dont Gawker outed him), created be angry or lazy. These are the Reddit discussions called incest, chokeabitch, and rules. You already know them. Jewmerica, as well as jailbait, Theyve always been the rules. in which he urged users to photos of attractive People are just going to start fol- post teenage girls found on Facebook and other Web sites. lowing them again.

S O U R C E S: D I S Q U S; J A M A .

as great a risk of having an antisocial personality disorder.

Those who are at times both victim and bully are

Victims of bullying are


4.3 TIMES

clean cut

clean cut

Look Sharp for Spring.


Theres more for men at Walmart.
2013 Unilever INT 114816

NEW
Get your face ready for action.
LOOK FOR AXE SHAVE ONLY AT WALMART.

Only at Walmart

Only at Walmart

CLEANSE

SHAVE

STYLE

2013 Energizer.

ates.

20

20

25

25

ESQ.

ESQ.

30

30

35

35

APRIL

22

ESQ.

TV
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: See right. Risky Listing: The seedy world of nightclub realty. Psych: Charlie from The West Wing helps his police-detective friend solve crimes. Funny. The Getaway: Joel McHale, Eve, Aziz Ansari, and more guide you through their favorite cities. Party Down: See page 69.

ON YOUR

ESQ.

TV

30
ESQ.

35

ON APRIL 22, YOUR LIFE WILL CHANGE. OR AT LEAST YOUR TV LISTINGS WILL. THAT DAY MARKS THE LAUNCH OF THE ESQUIRE NETWORK, A CHANNEL DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY FOR MEN. THERE WILL BE HUMOR. THERE WILL BE TRAVEL. THERE WILL BE OCCASIONAL FISTICUFFS. WE THOUGHT YOU SHOULD BE PREPARED.
ESQUIRE NETWORKS PROGRAMMING IS EXPANDING BY THE DAY. FOR NOW, HERE ARE SOME OF THE MORE NOTABLE ORIGINAL AND SYNDICATED SHOWS YOU CAN CATCH.
WHAT TO WATCH
Knife Fight: Like Top Chef/Iron Chef, only everyones drunk. (See page 69.) Parks and Recreation: Small-town Indiana government. The only show to successfully combine sweet and funny. Burn Notice: A spy abandoned by the government turns to detective work. How I Rock It: MTVs Cribs, only in the closets of well-dressed men.

NEW

CLASSIC

OTHER THINGS HAPPENING APRIL 22

ASSORTED EARTH DAY CELEBRATIONS THE PEAK OF THE LYRID METEOR SHOWER THE NASHVILLE

66 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

20

25

35 30

25 20

FREQUENTLY* ASKED QUESTIONS


B Y D AV I D G R A N G E R
When does it start? April 22, about 9:00 A.M. What channel will it be on? Its a cable channel, so where do you live? You can go to esquiretv.com/channelfinder, type in your ZIP code and cable service, and it will tell you exactly. How did this come about? Adam Stotsky of NBCUniversal was entrusted with remaking a cable-television network that used to be called G4. He noticed two things: There was a lot of programming for men scattered around the cable universe but not really any networks designated as being for men. A great deal of the programming for men washow shall we put this?kind of like an anthropological study of a foreign species of men, many of whom were dirty or wore funny beards. Stotsky decided to take a somewhat more ambitious route. When he asked us about it, we talked it over with him for a few months, did some haggling, and thought it was a fine idea. Will the Esquire Network be just like Esquire magazine? No. Esquire magazine is a magazine. (See page 162 for the differences.) What the Esquire Network will capture is the spirit of the magazine, translating it into the entertainment needs of an entirely different medium. What kind of shows will be on the Esquire Network? At the start, there will be a few original shows, with more to come over timemostly what the TV guys call unscripted dramas. There will be an extreme cooking competition called Knife Fight and a travel show called The Getaway. There will also be reruns of two muchloved shows, Parks and Recreation and Party Down. And starting April 24, you can watch the heir apparent to The Tonight Show at 7:00 P.M. every weeknight. Will Esquire be responsible for the programming? Were leaving programming to the professionals, but we do have regular meetings to talk about the shows they have planned and how we can help. I have an idea for a show. Should I pitch it to you? We have lots of ideas for shows, too, andso farthe guys at the Esquire Network have not started developing any of them. Tell you what: You know how we acknowledge only a few of the letters we receive in the front of the magazine (Before We Begin) each month? The really good (or funny) ones? Send programming ideas to the same place (editor@esquire. com or use the USPS) and we will see that the best ones get to the proper authorities. Of course, if you are agented by someone at WME or CAA, well, you dont need us. Whats with all the Adam Scott shows? Come on. Have you seen Party Down? Actually, neither have I, but lots of friends and relatives and friends of relatives have. Cant wait. But what were really looking forward to is reassessing the Pierce Brosnanera Bond movies. I am not a man. Can I watch the Esquire Network? No man has ever successfully told a woman what to do. What if I dont like reality TV? We have two words for you: Party Fking Down. And two more: Jimmy Fking Fallon. And, actually, weve seen some of the pilots for the unscripted dramas and we kinda thought to ourselves Huh, wed watch that. Are your editors attractive enough for TV? Some of us are attractive enough for TV, especially cable. But wed like to remain the humble public servants we are.

TROUBLESHOOTING
I cant find Esquire Network on my channel guide. Go to esquiretv.com/ channelfinder. Simple. If you have DirecTV, you dont get the channel. Yet. But that link will let you e-mail them to request it. If you dont have cable, well, youre out of luck. Im on the Esquire Network channel, but its still showing G4 programming. You mean American Ninja Warrior? Thatll continue. People love it.

T H E ( M I N I ) E SQ & A :
I cant seem to find Women We Love. Its coming. Later this year, the Esquire Network is slated to air a special that you might want to check out. I was hoping for Law & Order. Sorry. But at least its already on everywhere else. You should take a look at Risky Listing, a show about night-club realtors premiering this summer. Those guys have probably murdered people. So, kind of similar. My TV is on, but Im not getting a picture. Maybe try the input button?

JIMMY FALLON
A few questions for the host of

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, which will have encore airings (one week later) on the Esquire Network weekday nights at 7:00 P.M. starting April 24. To simulate game conditions, we asked him to wait a week before answering.
Esquire: Complete this sentence: The best

*Okay, honestly, there havent really been all that many questions asked yet (other than random people looking for work or pitching new shows), but we figure there will be some. These are our answers.

thing about watching Late Night with Jimmy Fallon a week later is ________. Jimmy Fallon: You can see the parts you slept through the rst time. ESQ: Lots of things are better the second time around. Like chili. Or fried chicken. Does Late Night qualify? JF: Late Night is more like leftover Chinese. It might be even better the second time around, and youll want to watch it again an hour later. ESQ: Are you ready to go up against Wheel of Fortune? JF: So ready. Our main advantage is that we

ZOOS 21ST ANNUAL GOLF CLASSIC MCDONALDS LAUNCH OF THE EGG-WHITE DELIGHT, A MARGINALLY HEALTHIER YOLK-FREE VERSION OF THE EGG

Dont know what channel the Esquire Network is on? Scan here with Netpage to find out.

67

give vowels away for freeyou dont have to buy them. ESQ: If things go well at 7:00, would you consider changing the name of the show to Twilight with Jimmy Fallon? JF: No, because thats what my journal is called. ESQ: Is there any other magazine whose TV network youd rather be a part of? JF: Mad magazine. Because Ive always wanted to meet Alfred E. Neuman. ESQ: Youre replacing Quantum Leap in your new time slot. Is that intimidating? JF: I personally dont think many people will notice the change, as our shows are so similar. But have you considered that maybe Im just Sam Beckett and Ive leaped into Jimmy Fallons body? ESQ: Questlove appears in this issue of Esquire (see page 21), too, and talks about how he sometimes gets cool things sent to him because hes on Late Night. What kind of perks do you expect to be getting now that youre on the Esquire Network? JF: Probably gallons and gallons of cologne samples. ESQ: Appearing on a basic-cable channel named after a magazine . . . when you were a boy, did you ever dream of such things? JF: Actually, when I was a boy, I just dreamed about getting basic cable.

THE T HE PREDICTIVE QUIZ:

Answer the questions below, then add up the assigned points to see if you should set aside a little more couch time in the future. 1. Do you own a TV? a. Yes (10) b. No (100) 2. Do you enjoy watching TV? a. Yes (0) b. No (50) 3. Do you enjoy Esquire magazine? a. Yes (10) b. No (10) 4. Are you a man? a. Yes (10) b. No (8) 5. Which, if any, of the following channels are you fond of? a. ESPN (10) b. ESPN2 (15) c. Nickelodeon (15) d. WE tv (15) e. truTV (5) f. Comedy Central (10) g. HGTV (5) 6. Which of the following things should be only for men? (Mark all that apply.) a. Cologne (0) b. Hair dye (5) c. Yogurt (10) d. Dr. Pepper Ten (15) e. TV stations (15) 7. Say you walk into a bar. What drink do you order? a. Beer (5) b. Rye manhattan (5) c. Jack and ginger (5) d. Pia colada (5) e. Seltzer with lime (5) 8. Have you ever chopped down a tree? a. Wait a second. It didnt matter what drink I would order? (0) 9. Nope. a. That seems dumb. (5) 10. Actually, it was to show that Esquire Network should appeal to men of all tastes and types. a. Huh. Okay. (5) b. That sounds like marketing bullshit. (5) 11. Where were we? a. You were asking me silly questions. (0) b. Taking a quiz! (2) 12. Say you walk into a barbershop. Which of the following instructions are you most likely to give your barber? a. Layered, with more texture in the front. (5) b. Make me look like Brad Pitt. (5) c. A little off the top. (5) d. One mens haircut, please. (10) 13. Youre supposed to meet your wife at her friends birthday party. Is it okay to be thirty minutes late? a. Yes (5) b. No (5) 14. Same scenario, but now its on a night that AMC is playing The Shawshank Redemption. a. Yes (5) b. No (5) c. Trick question. AMC plays Shawshank every night. (10) 15. Whats this?

WILL YOU BE WATCHING THE ESQUIRE NETWORK?

a. No idea. (0) b. Antique iron? (5) c. A grout float. (5) 16. Whats this?

HOW TO TUNE INTO THE ESQUIRE NETWORK

a. A knife. (0) b. Santoku knife. (5) c. Ask my wife. (5) 17. Who Whos s this?

01
Check calendar to make sure its after April 22.

02
Make a cocktail.

03
Turn on TV.

04
Push the necessary buttons to change the channel to the Esquire Network.

ANSWER KEY:

More than 75 points: You will be watching the Esquire Network. 25 to 75 points: You wont argue if someone else turns it on. Fewer than 25 points: You wont be watching the Esquire Network. At first. But youll come around.

PEOPLE WHO SHOULD SHO WATCH THE ESQUIRE Q NETWORK


CLOONEY, EY, G. GLOVER, GLO ER, D. 3, 3, R. G.

PEOPLE WHO SHOULD NOT


BROWN, OWN, C. FANNI FANNING, E. & D.

MCMUFFIN THE END OF THE PREORDER PERIOD FOR DAVID SEDARISS NEW COLLECTION OF ESSAYS, LETS EXPLORE DIABETES WITH OWLS VLADIMIR

68 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

T U N I N G : C H R I S P H I L P OT; R E M OT E : M D I D I G I TA L .

a. That guy from Parks and Rec. (5) b. That guy from Party Down. (5) c. Both. He was in Step Brothers and Friends with Kids, too. Love that guy. (15) d. Anna Kendrick? (10)

THE RECIPE

If youre a fan of televised cooking competitions, you probably remember

BREAKFAST

THE THREE-INGREDIENT

Ilan Hall as the winner of the second season of Bravos Top Chef. Knife Fight, Halls new show on the Esquire Network, takes the basic conceit of programs like Top Chef and Iron Chef and adds a drunken, heckling audience: Its sort of like the opening of Rocky III, Hall says. We did one about a week ago, and it was so loud that at the end everybodys ears were ringing like we were at a hardcore show. The crowd gives the show an organic feel, which makes sense, since the battles in Halls L. A. restaurant, the Gorbals, were taking place after-hours long before the Esquire Networks cameras started documenting them. The premise is simple: Two chefs cook with up to three ingredients from the Gorbals kitchen and are judged by Hall and his foodie friends, like Elijah Wood and Drew Barrymore. We asked Hall to do some three-ingredient improvising of his own, and he came up with the following, based on what he found in his business partners fridgebeer, eggs, and avocado. The dish is an egg-white omelet made fancy by sabayon, a frothy egg-andbooze sauce that will make you look like you know what youre doing. Which is never a bad thing. A N NA P EELE

> Separate the yolks from the whites of four eggs. > Coat a cold 8-inch nonstick pan with olive oil and pour in the whites. Place over gentle heat and season with salt. The lower the flame, the better. > As the omelet cooks, boil an inch of water in a pot. > Put the yolks in a metal bowl wide enough to rest on top of the pot. Add a pinch of salt and a splash of beer. Sweeten with a little sugar, honey, or maple syrup (whatever you have handy). Balance the bowl over the steaming pot of boiling water and whisk the ingredients very briskly. Within seconds, they will come together and thicken. The moment the mixture starts to thicken, remove from heat but continue to whisk until it starts to cool down. You want the sabayon to be the consistency

of barely whipped cream. Taste. Season with salt and pepper if necessary. Set aside. The egg-white omelet should be completely opaque and not browned. Slide from pan in one piece and place in the center of a plate. Slice avocado thinly and arrange on the omelet so that it covers the surface like tiles. Season with salt and pepper again. Spoon the sabayon over the avocado. Make it look pretty.

TH E EN DORSE M E N T

PARTY DOWN

Party Down is one of those shows that make critics despair. Its almost as if, because people who write about television love it so much, the show had to die. The show produced only twenty episodes. Each one is brilliant. The collection of struggling actors, writers, musicians, and comedians who work at the eponymous catering company try, and mostly fail, to figure out whether theyre just about to make it or in the earliest stages of total career collapse. They ride the line of the American dream (which has nothing to do with solid middle-class property ownership and everything to do with the chance of being superrich and famous). In the meantime, they receive a pretty decent tour of the toxic vanities of southern California. The premise, seeing a different party every show, allows for immersion in different worldsfrom senior singles seminars to corporate retreats, jaded backstage parties to attempted orgies. Theyre all hilarious, without exception. The true strength of this show, however, is in the performances. The women in particular are amazing. In the first season, Jane Lynch does not have a single scene that isnt incredible. Megan Mullally has never been funnier, and thats saying something. Lizzy Caplan as Casey Klein is maybe the most intelligent female lead ever put at the center of an American television comedy. Or maybe shes just the most acerbic. I have trouble telling those apart. The show, exactly like its characters, was not an outright success. It never became a massive hit. But also like its characters, it shows that sometimes its okay not to be huge. Sometimes its okay just to be awesome and talented and really, really funny. STE PHE N MARCHE

LENINS BIRTHDAY THE PREMIERE OF CURIOUS GEORGE SWINGS INTO SPRING ON PBS KIDS ANTICIPATION PEAKS FOR MICHAEL BUBLS TO BE LOVED.

Need something to watch? Watch a supercut video from Knife Fight. Scan here with Netpage.

69

FILLMENT RTUNE AND FUL O F O T E D I U G 3 YOUR 201

S YOU NEED TO KICK A NDERMINE THE LL U RIGHT NOW OR YOU MEBACK OF O C IC M O N O EC T N INCIPIE TION YOUR N E M TO T O N N IO T AN ENTIRE NA , AND HAPPINESS H T R O -W LF E S Y, R LA OWN SA . EVERYTHING R E E R A C R U YO F O T FOR THE RES YOU ACT TOWARD W O H K R O W T A O D YOU R, WHAT YOU A E W U YO T A H W , S R OTHE MATTERS G IN H T Y R E V E , E IT R SAY AND W S GOOD AS YOU A D N A . R E V E N A H T E MOR G BETTER. IN O D E B LD U O C U ARE, YO T ELEVEN PAGES, X E N E H T N O Y, LL A N FI E SPEND MOST W E C LA P E H T R FO E ADVIC . >> OF OUR WAKING LIFE

G BACK. AMERICA IS ROARIN S AT WORK

74 Advice for entrepreneurs, by the Ace of Cakes 76 How to be gracious, by Tom Chiarella 78 An inspiring essay on public bli speaking, by Joel Osteen 80 A Ask k Esquire: An advice column about work 82 The workplace guide to facial hair 82 The commuting rules 84 What Ive Learned: Jim Fannin, life coach to the elite 88 What to wear and how to wear it: From casual to formal

73

ESQUIRE, WORKING

FROM THE EDITOR


We believe in work. Not just the necessity of earning the almighty dollar. We believe in mutual effort toward accomplishment. And the acquisition of the almighty dollar. We believe this is the year the American economy will nish better than it started. We believe hard work, a rededication to doing things that have never been done before, and impatiencethe same burning impatience that has fueled every great thing this country has ever donewill make it so. We believe in treating others well so that they will treat you well and you will be all the richer for it. We believe in the suit, the tie, the gingham shirt, the shiny watch, the leather briefcase, the brown lace-up, the black oxford, the sport coat you can wear with anything. We believe the free market has never been so free, and that anyone who puts his mind to it can run the damn company someday. Tomorrow, even. And when it comes down to it, we believe in you. We dont know you that well. Weve never met, actually. But we believe in you. Good luck. Read on. DAVID GRANGER

HOW TO START A BUSINESS


Success is often the result of recognizing and taking advantage of opportunities you stumble across. In Duffs case, it was fathoming the obvious: People liked his unusual personality and cakes much more than his unusual music.

Entrepreneurial wisdom from the Ace of Cakes, one of the most successful food personalities on television. With annotations, corrections, and additional advice from his very successful father. By Duff Goldman (and Morrie Goldman)
My business and everything thats come out of itthe bakery, the television show, the cakes for celebrities, and this years presidential inaugurationis actually a big accident. I was working as a private chef when I really wanted to be on tour in a rock band. I was twenty-five at the time. I had made a couple of birthday cakes for the kids of the people I worked for, and they liked them so much, they asked me to make cakes for their friends. The more cakes I made, the more requests I got. It didnt take long to figure out that I could make it work as a business. But there was no dream of owning a bakery and being on TV. I just needed the kind of business that would allow me to take a month off now and then to go on tour. I saw it as my path to rock stardom. Heres the thing, though. My dad is an entrepreneur with a Ph.D. in economics from UCLA. Hes crazy smartthe kind of guy who can grasp the essence of a situation quicker than you can explain it to him. By the time youre done with your sentence, he already has a couple of questions. Over the years, hes used his knowledge to advise the likes of GM, Sprint, and Congress, and to start a think tank in international economics. He built and owns chains of health clubs and physicaltherapy clinics. So when I thought about trying to make some money, I knew that I had a Ph.D. super-badass entrepreneur on speed dial. I called him up and said, Dad, I wanna start a business baking cakes. The first thing he said was If you want to have a cake business, you need to sell cake. As you can imagine, I was underwhelmed. I needed more than that. And he said, No you dont. All you need to do is sell a cake. Once you sell a cake, then Ill give you step two. First, find somebody who needs a cake and sell em one. That was it. So I called my brother, and he built me a cheap site using this ridiculous thing called My First Website, or something. I didnt have enough money to buy business cards, so I went to Kinkos, printed a bunch out, and used their paper cutters to slice them into individual cards. I had about a hundred business cards. I went to work on a dummy cake, which is a cake made with real cake materials on the outside but Styrofoam on the inside. Then I put on my chefs coatappearance is everythingslipped the business cards in the front pocket, and headed out toward a wedding venue near my apartment. What I noticed was that on Saturdays, when somebody was getting married, lots of other brides-to-be would stop in to get ideas, to see the tablecloths and flowers. It was the best time to see what the place looked like when it was all done up, because during the week when there was nothing going on, there was nothing to see. So every Saturday I headed over in my crisp, clean chefs coat carrying my fake cake, and walked real slowly down the sidewalk in front of this place, then back up. Down, then up. I would do laps like this for four or five hours. And as people would come in to look at the place for their wedding, they would stop me and say, Oh, wow, is that a wedding cake? Yeah, Id say. And theyd say, Do you have a business card? Within two months, I was making the cakes for every wedding at the place. Two and a half years later, I had my own shop. We did things a little differently, because if I were just to make the same cupcakes everybody else does, nobody would care. So we made huge cakes and cakes in strange shapes. Then came my own TV show, and business exploded. I now have a second bakery in L.A. plus a new concept bakery where we teach cake decorating to customers. Weve made a lifesized baby-elephant cake for a dot-com mogul and a life-sized race car with spinning, smoking tires for a Nascar sponsor. And earlier this year, I was asked to bake a cake for the president of the United States. These days, AS TOLD TO CAL FUSSMAN y , I dont even need business cards.
This is outside-the-box thinking. Indeed, Duff is so far outside that he usually doesnt know what a box is. The lesson here is to be aware of past successful techniques, but not to be constrained by them, especially if you are low on funds. This was Duffs version of guerrilla marketing.

Few would argue with the crazy part. If he thinks Dad is so smart, why doesnt he listen to me more? A shout-out to UCLAs superb economics programit changed my life for the better.

Being engaged in many activities can result in unexpected opportunities. For Duff it was birthday cakes for rich kids. For Dad, it was enjoying racquetball in graduate school.

Actually, Duff, you were also told not to be afraid of making mistakes. Learn from them but dont repeat any. The first rule of business: If something isnt working, stop; if it is, continue. Of course, Duff always had a job waiting for him if this career path didnt work out: cleaning toilets in my health clubs.

Duffs older brother, Willie, has the street smarts in the family (think of a kinder, bighearted version of Ari Gold on Entourage). Theyve helped each others careers immensely and are extremely close. As a dad, this fills me with more pride than their business and entertainment successes.

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those who do. It bears repeating: Look around. Remember names. Remember where people were born. On the street, in the lobby, square your shoulders to people you meet. Make a handshake mattereye contact, good grip, elbow erring toward a right angle. Do not pump the hand, unless the other person is insistent on just that. Then pump the hell out of their hand. Smile. If you cant smile, you cant be gracious. You arent some dopey English butler. You are you. Remember that the only representation of you, no matter what your station, is you your presentation, your demeanor. You simply must attend. Stand when someone enters the room, especially if you are lowly and he is the boss, and even if the reverse is true. Look them in the eye. Ask yourself: Does anybody need an introduction? If so, before you say one word about business, introduce them to others with pleasure in your voice. If you cant muster enthusiasm for the people you happen upon in life, then you cannot be gracious. Remember, true graciousness demands that you have time for others. So listen. Be attentive to what people say. Respond, without interruption. You always have time. You own the time in which you live. You grant it to others without obligation. That is the gift of being gracious. The returnthe payback, if you willis the reputation you will quickly earn, the curiosity of others, the sense that people want to be in the room with you. The gracious man does not dwell on himself, but you can be condent that your reputation precedes you in everything you do and lingers long after you are nished. People will mark you for it. You will see it in their eyes. People trust the gracious man to care. The return comes in kind.

A BRIEF MEMO ON OFFICE ORGANIZATION


Lamp: Of your choosing, to improve upon the soporific LED glare buzzing from the ceiling. Something warm and amber. This small measure of control is good for your retinas and your soul. Current pile: A small (keep it small) stack of things to deal with first. The key here is something called visual persistence. You can set something aside for a moment, but its always in your line of sight. Pile of things whose existence you are denying: Things that dont have to be dealt with now but that you will eventually have to face. A note on clutter: Studies show a cluttered desk is the sign of a busy and intelligent mind at work, while a clean work area shows you dont have enough to do. Other studies show the exact opposite. Whatever. Just avoid chaos, which makes some managers question your ability to not lose important shit. Personal photo: This reminds people that you are a person with a life. And it reminds you that there is a point to all this work. The maximum is two, though. Nothing with you in it. Some inspiration: A quotation or memento that inspires you. This should not be a poster of an eagle that says SOAR E V E R H I G H E R . Maybe its a coffee mug from your first job. Maybe its something somebody famous said, taped up so only you can see it. If you dont have one, feel free to use this: My best moment is still coming. Carmelo Anthony (as quoted in Esquire, January 2005) Headphones: Entirely acceptable in todays workplace. Just dont turn them up so loud that when people need your attention, they have to throw things at you. Screen saver: Use the one that comes with your computer, not a picture from your vacation. Open space: Do what you can to open up the space you have. Eliminate barriers. Push tables to the side. This makes you appear more powerful, not less, because your domain seems larger and youve made it clear that you dont need a desk between you and your underlings to show your authority.

HOW TO BE

THINGS A MAN SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE IN HIS DESK:


COLLAR STAYS. HOSTESS GIFT FOR EMERGENCIES. NOT WINE.

GRACIOUS,
AND WHY
In business, the little thingsa favor acknowledged, a favor returned, proper introductions, smiles, attentivenessare really the big things By Tom Chiarella
Graciousness looks easy, but of course it is not. Do not mistake mere manners for graciousness. Manners are rules. Helpful, yes. But graciousness reects a state of being; it emanates from your inventory of self. Start with what you already possess. You, for instance, have a job. Live up to that.

When wandering the world, forget your business cards. Dont look for more contacts. Instead, observe. Say hello to the people you see every day, but dont make a fetish out of it. Stay interested in others. Be generous in your attentions but not showy. Dont wink, snap your ngers, high-ve, or shout, though laugh with

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ry. I get the story down, and I move on to the next one. Your memory is like a muscle. The more you use it, the better it gets. Theres nothing wrong with using notes, but go over them and know them real well. The day before I give a sermon, Ill practice it and act as if people were actually there listening. If I mess up, I recover. I dont stop and go get a drink of water. If something happens in the middle of an actual speech, someone stands up or the mic doesnt work, or if you get tense, you have to tell yourself to slow down, relax, regroup. So even when Im practicing, sometimes Ill say, I forgot my spot! or Ill need to look at my notes. Try taping yourself when you practice. Most people cant stand to listen to themselves on tape or watch themselves, but thats the only way you can grow. I used to say ya know every sentence, and it wasnt until I watched it that I got out of that habit. Youll pick up other things. Why do I look down? Why do I talk so fast? Plus, youll pick up a lot of good things! Oh, man, Im good at that. Thats important. If youre taking questions, be condent enough to say, I dont know. Theres nothing wrong with saying, We havent crossed that bridge, and Ill have to think about that answer. Its not all about showing unshakable condence; its about being yourself and nding your own voice. I have some of the greatest ministers in the world come to the church, and, man, they sound like James Earl Jones. They give me goosebumps. And I think, My goodness, I am so stinkin boring. But you have to be condent that Okay, this is who I am. Im going to do the best that I can. Its not that we cant all change and grow, but youre never going to be someone youre not. A lot of speakers are a little bit on edge, and theyre a little bit angry because of it. I think 99.9 percent of the people youre speaking to, they dont even know why youre that way. And you have to ght those thoughts of This is boring to them; theyre not getting it. You have to think, Theyre enjoying this; this is good information; Im doing my best; and everybody likes it. If you want to get peoples attention, think about if youd like to listen to it. Edit yourself. Ya know what? These two sentences are not even necessary. When I get eight and a half pages down to seven? Thats when I get really good. And if youre talking to one person or a smaller group of people, eye contact is very important. But with a large crowd, I dont focus on individual people. I just see it as a big group. If I focus on individuals, I tend to lose my train of thought and start thinking, Are they listening? Are they paying attention? Why is that? What are they wearing? So I just stare out.
AS TOLD TO RACHEL RICHARDSON

EVERYBODY BRINGS WINE. WE SUGGEST A BOTTLE OF GOOD SHERRY OR THE EXQUISITE OIL FROM GEORGIA OLIVE FARMS, FROM THE FIRST COMMERCIAL HARVEST OF

HOW TO

OWN THE ROOM


BY JOEL OSTEEN
Senior pastor, Lakewood Church, Houston
For seventeen years, my father tried to get In the rst few months after I took over for me up in front of people at his church. I said, my father as pastor, I tried to be like him. He Daddy, I am not a minister. I couldnt even was old-school, more dynamic and strong, get up and make announcements. I was so preaching at people. But that just wasnt who nervous and I so dreaded doing it, I had to I was. When I stepped into who I felt I was hold on to the podium because I felt like my hands would shake. My rst thought was Why are all these people staring at me? ITS NOT ALL ABOUT SHOWING Then I looked up three or four UNSHAKABLE CONFIDENCE; years later and thought, Ya know, ITS ABOUT BEING YOURSELF AND Im pretty good at this. I used to play basketball with FINDING YOUR VOICE. YOU CANT a lot of guys at the YMCA. They BE SOMEONE YOURE NOT. knew I was a preachers kid, but these were just guys. They didnt go to church. But my dads church was on TV then, and when he died and I took meant to bewhen I stayed within my own over, I knew these guys were going to see me giftsthats when the ministry started to on television. So I made the decision then grow. I learned over time its easier for peothat when I spoke in the church, I was going ple to listen to youto hear youwhen you to imagine I was speaking to the basketball change your pacing, when youre conversaplayers, the ones that didnt go to church. I tional. Now I memorize the whole thing. I spoke in everyday language. type my speech word for word, and Ill go The biggest mistake I made was early on. over it a half page at a time. Maybe its a sto-

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is it about those ideas that you can go to school on? Or about his presentation? Is he more organized than you, more passionate? Its not enough to have good ideas; you have to be able to sell them in a way that resonates with your particular leader and express how you can make them reality. Take Martin, my former colleague. Poor Martin. He kept pitching the same idea at every meeting and getting shot down. It wasnt a bad idea, it wasnt a good ideait was just an idea, and he wasnt convincing in his pitch. And after the third time, you could see the doors crack open on our coal furnace of a boss, who might forget how many drinks he had at lunch that day but wouldnt forget this. Soon enough, I had Martins job. If youre better on paper, try to get through using e-mail. If thats not working, get a meeting with the boss. Explain you would like to do better and ask specically what your ideas are lacking. If hes a good boss, hell tell you. At least the rst time. And if not, well, glue yourself to Joe. Maybe hell take you with him to his next job.
WHATS THE ETIQUETTE OF TAKING READING MATERIAL INTO THE MENS ROOM? ACCEPTABLE:

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ASK:

not boss material. Your buddies, on the other handthe ones you drank with, talked about women with, and, yes, griped about the boss withtheyre pissed, whether they show it or not. No matter how much youve shined, theyre thinking, Why him? Why not me? The best way to show youre in charge is to blatantly not show youre in charge. Do your job well, with humility but not false modestyno Shucks, fellas, it could have been any of us. Cut them a little slack, but expect someone to challenge your authority early. Nip this in the bud in a way that the word gets around. No, Jack, just because I can expense $200 at lunch doesnt mean you can. Oh, and nd a new Thursday-night poker game.
MY SUPERVISOR E-MAILS ME ALL NIGHT. DOES HE EXPECT ME TO ANSWER? Many

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Real-world answers to the questions you cant ask in meetings, from the hiring director at a major American corporation, who shall remain absolutely secret

that you always want the other guy to go rst, and the guy on the other side is no novice. Hell probably ask what youre currently making. Truthiness is the watchword here. The recruiter will probably have some sense of what youre making, so inate by no more than 10 percent. He names his gure. I advise expressing enthusiasm at being offered the job and politely asking if there is any wiggle room because you were hoping for closer to x. You have to know your leverage points; whether or not you are currently employed is a big one. Also: How long has this job been open? How big a stretch is it for you? Just exactly how big a catch are you? He may insist on an answer by the end of the day. I would. Whatever you do, dont say you need to talk it over with your wife tonight. Pussy.
THE HEAD OF MY COMPANY ALWAYS PROFESSES TO LIKE JOES IDEAS, EVEN THOUGH ITS CLEAR TO EVERYONE THAT JOES IDEAS SUCK. EVEN JOE SEEMS SURPRISED HALF THE TIME. HOW DO I GET MY IDEAS THROUGH?

IM ABOUT TO BE OFFERED A NEW JOB AND WILL HAVE TO DISCUSS SALARY. WHATS THE BEST APPROACH? Any novice knows

Things you can read on your phone or anything that folds discreetly in your pocket. UNACCEPTABLE: An iPad blaring Game of Thrones or, as one of my former colleagues was known to do, parking in the stall with a stack of magazines between your feet.
IM 27 AND WAS JUST MADE A BOSS OVER SEVERAL OF THE GUYS I HANG AROUND WITH, AS WELL AS COLLEAGUES TWICE MY AGE. THINGS I NEED TO WORRY ABOUT? The ones

Guess what? Joes ideas dont suck or they wouldnt be getting through. Study Joe. What

twice your age are going to be half as much trouble as your peers. Ive been there, and invariably, if someone is 50 and still not a boss, he knows hes

bosses are obsessive, ADHD, hypervigilant, and other words associated with both success and assholery. Some do get off on the power of sending you a late-night message they know will wet your drawers. But look at it from his viewpoint for a second. Hes often stuck in meetings all day. Nighttime is his chance to catch up. Our whole ofce got missives stamped 3:00 A.M. recently. We grumbled about it until somebody informed us that the big guy was in Europe, where it was a perfectly reasonable 8:00 A.M. Unless youre a trader handling the Far East, dont get sucked into late-night e-mail rondelet. Answer anything urgent but give yourself a cutoff. Mine is 10:00 P.M. I answer nothing after that and try not to even look at my Droid. Of course some suck-up is showing how on it he is while youre playing basketball or reading to your kids. Let him. Youll weigh in in the morning. Sometimes you have to choose life, you know? But take it as a compliment. If you werent valuable, would you be on the bosss mind at midnight?

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FLOSS, AND MOUTHWASH. ADVIL. SMALL BOTTLE OF SOMETHING TO DRINK NEAT WHEN YOURE WORKING LATE. (WE SUGGEST DULCE VIDA ORGANIC AEJO TEQUILA, WHICH IS SMOOTH AND DELICIOUS AND, ACCORDING TO SOME USERS, PROMOTES

A MAN AND HIS FACIAL HAIR: CEO EDITION


If its done rightwhich is to say, if its tended to with care and frequency facial hair can be more than just the mark of a weekend stretching into the workweek. In fact, the right scruff can even give you gravitas. More than ever before, your facial hair (or lack thereof) says a lot about you. And nowadays what it says is not I work for a logging company. RODNEY CUTLER

Diamond Church Street Choir, by the Gaslight Anthem; Memo from Turner, by the Rolling Stones.
Music recommended

Richard Branson, CEO, Virgin Group A goatee creates the illusion of length on a round face. In his case, it also offers a hint of underlying zaniness. No man having this much fun would be clean-shaven.

THE GOATEE

Kendall Powell, CEO, General Mills Intelligent and professional, but able to relax when nobodys around to care. Like a professor youd want to have a drink with.

THE GOATEE (WITH CHIN STRAP)

for neither the commute to nor from work: Working for the Weekend, by Loverboy. If the person next to you on the bus or in the elevator stares at you for what feels like a moment too longlike you might have something on your faceits because he or she can hear the music coming out of your headphones. Might want to turn that shit down. It is a miracle that more people dont get killed in parking garages by cars speeding around the corners.
Once in a while,

Larry Ellison, CEO, Oracle A full beard gives the illusion of a strong (and single) chin on a chubbier face; on slim faces, it can widen the cheeks. Just dont dye it. Even the best dye jobs look like they were done with shoe polish.

THE BEARD

THE COMMUTING RULES


Once in a while, on your way to the ofce, pick up a box of doughnuts for everybody. If you spot a coworker on the bus/subway/ train/sidewalk while traveling to work, a simple nod and smile will sufce. Lets savor these last moments of personal time in the morning, shall we? No matter your mode of transportationdriving, riding, walking the consumption of food

read a novel. On your commute. Life is bigger than work. Unless you commute by car. Books on tape are overrated.
Wearing high-quality

Mark Parker, CEO, Nike A few days stubbletrimmed neatly above the Adams applesuggests that you could start a fire or climb a rock wall just as easily as you could run a company. You have a job and a life.

THE SCRUFF

and drink while commuting is rarely smooth. Eat at home. Youre not saving any time.
Recommended

Keith E. Wandell, CEO, Harley-Davidson If you have a larger philtrumthe gap between your nose and upper lipa mustache can help fill the space. For Wandell, its probably more a case of knowing his clientele.

THE MUSTACHE

music for the commute to work: The Rat, by the Walkmen; Rock and Roll, by Led Zeppelin; Good Morning (the Future), by Rogue Wave. Recommended music for the commute home from work: Reboot the Mission, by the Wallowers; The

sneakers to work before changing into dress shoes is probably really good for your feet. It also makes you look like a dorkus malorkus. Get to know the regular hosts along the way: the garage attendant, the train conductor, the bus driver, the security guard. Someday you might be a buck short or a minute late and need a hand.
There is no shame

in stopping into a bar for a quick drink on your way home, the way men used to do. A small pour, seven minutes, nine bucks. Nobody has to know.

82 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

I L LU ST R AT I O N S BY J O E M C K E N D R Y

THE LAST WORD

ESQUIRE, WORKING

WHAT IVE LEARNED


JIM FANNIN 63, LIFE COACH, BURR RIDGE, ILLINOIS
leave the room. Once the person leaves, have everybody in the room drop their heads and start to think negative thoughts. Not about that person, just negative thoughts in their own life. Then have the person come back in the room. Test his arm strength again, and he will have no strength. Hell drop his arm. Every time. Every time! And he wont know what happened. Then have him leave the room again. Have everybody in the room raise their heads and think of something unbelievably positive. When the person comes back into the room, test that person again. That persons arm will be as strong as it was the first time. This is not Jim Fannin hocuspocus. Its why the Cubs lose. > A major part of genius is simplicity. > When you look someone in the eye long enough to discern eye color, a thousand words are conveyed. > I dont go into the pastexcept to learn and evaluate. Then I bury it in the backyard like a dead carcass, not to be dug up again. Dont get me wrong. Ill go back and belly laugh with an old friend. But outside of that, I dont give two craps what happened five seconds ago. > You know whats gonna be on my tombstone? Next! > When someone is making love, hopefully theyre not thinking of something else. > Visualization works because your subconscious mind does not know the difference between fantasy and reality. > You will never be in the zone without your jaw unhinged and your tongue relaxed. Thats why Michael Jordan stuck his tongue out when he went to the hole. Thats why A-Rod, when hes at his best, looks like hes yawning. > CEOs ask me how to change the numbers on their P&L statement. They look at the P&L as a dead P&L. Thats too high. Thats too low. We need to change this. But they have to realize that a P&L statement is really a living P&L, that there are thoughts the average person has two thousand thoughts per day that run through each line item. Customer thoughts. Supplier

> You are what you think. > Think about what you think about. > The number-one defense mechanism: Putting yourself downGod, Im getting so fat. I cant believe itso nobody else will talk about how fat you are. > Some peopleman, if I talked to them the way they talk to themselves, theyd fire my ass. > Do this: Get multiple people in the room, then test somebodys arm strength. Have him hold his arm steadfast. You cant move it. Then ask him to

thoughts. Employee thoughts. Leadership thoughts. Change the thoughts and the numbers will change. > Youre only as good as the day after greatness. > Three fourths of doctors visits are from hypochondriacs. People have thought themselves to death. > You know the singing group the Judds? I lived next door to them when I was growing up. The mother, Naomi, had a brother who was my best friend. Brian got Hodgkins disease. It was discovered when both he and I were delivering papers. He discovered a lump under his arm. Brian died in the hospital in my arms, and I made up my mind that day that I would never have a bad day again. > I visualized my death at his funeral. I went to the end of my life, saw everybody happy, saw me happy. I saw myself having an awesome life. And Ive never had a bad day since. Not one. Not the day my dad died. Not the day my mom died. I celebrated their lives. Now, dont get me wrong. Id give up all my earthly possessions just to have lunch with my mother or father one more time. I simply dont have bad days. > Never compromise your principles. Unfortunately, a lot of people dont know what principles they have. > Everyone wishes there was a manual for living. I have it.

CREATIVITY.) A GLASS. DULCE VIDA ORGANIC AEJO TEQUILA DOESNT TASTE AS GOOD IN PAPER COFFEE CUPS. UMBRELLA. NUTS. RAW ALMONDS ARE THE HEALTHIEST AND THEY FILL YOU UP, BUT ANYTHING IS BETTER FOR YOU THAN FRITOS. FRITOS.

HOW TO BE BETTER AT E-MAIL


JUST IN CASE THERES ANY THING YOURE DOING WRONG
By David McDowell, senior director, Yahoo! Mail I have 36,815 e-mails in my in-box, which gives me more perspective than most people on what makes a good e-mail. First and foremost, a good e-mail is brief. With more people reading e-mail on the go, all the important information in an e-mail should be visible in one smartphone screen, which displays about one hundred words. Its hard to convey the emotion you intend with so few words, and that may be why grown-up e-mailers are using texting habits like emoticons, acronyms (LOL), and elaborate punctuation!!! But at work, its best to stick to the facts. And if subtlety is important, thats a good signal its time to pick up the phone. No one needs more e-mail, especially the boss. ;--) As a manager myself, I prefer a brief e-mail summary to being copied on e-mails and wading through a long e-mail thread. Even better, I like stand-up meetings where issues are discussed verbally and action items are e-mailed. And I think the only time BCC: should be used is to move someone from the TO: or CC: line, which gracefully prevents that person from receiving future replies. People are overwhelmed by the amount of e-mail they re-

ceive, so dont underestimate the importance of the subject line to make an e-mail stand out. If there is an action needed or if the e-mail is just a heads-up, let the recipient know what is expected of them by including FYI or Action Requested right in the subject line. Speaking of the subject line, be specic. For instance, when e-mailing a rsum, use McDowell Resume for Manager Position rather than Resume as the subject line. Start fresh with a new subject line when changing topics. A relevant subject helps when scanning or searching the in-box to nd a particular e-mail. Finally, be specic with your out-of-ofce reply, too. Include information about when you will return and whom to contact in your absence. Many e-mail clients have the ability to tailor an out-of-ofce reply based on the sender. Take advantage of that feature to provide the right level of detail to important contacts without oversharing vacation plans with everyone! When it comes to humor in your out-of-ofce, its probably never a good idea. A joke is funny once, but if someone is copying you on emails while youre away, it will get old fast.

84 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

I L LU ST R AT I O N BY J O E M C K E N D R Y

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ESQUIRE:

THE

BEST DRESSED
GUY IN THE OFFICE
IN A SUIT AND TIE. IN A BLAZER AND JEANS. IN A POLO SHIRT AND CHINOS. HEY, IT COULD BE YOU.
PHOTOGRAPH BY MATTIAS EDWALL

GENTLEMEN: Weve come a long way. Gone (mostly) is the tyranny of the twopiece suit, and the less said about Casual Fridays the better. Today, more and more of us are earning the right to wear a mix of casual and tailored clothing to work, and its important to invest wisely. If picking up a sport jacket, look for a highquality cloth that has an interesting texture and a light construction. If wearing jeans, make sure theyre dark and they fit impeccably. Dont skimp on quality or craftsmanship simply because youve opted to loosen up. Invest wisely and look your best every day.
Three-button cotton jacket ($195) by Banana Republic; cashmere-and-cotton sweater ($695) by Ermenegildo Zegna; cotton shirt ($195) by Hamilton Shirts; cotton jeans ($168) by AG Adriano Goldschmied; suede shoes ($365) by Grenson; canvasand-nylon briefcase ($225) by Jack Spade.

88 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

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Say youre still required to throw on a two-piece every day. In addition to the navy blues and solid grays already in your closet, spring for a power suit for the days you really need a lift. A ballsy pattern (chalk stripes, say, or glen plaid) or a distinctive weave (like this here wool-silk blend) commands attention, and provided you keep your shirt and tie relatively restrained, you cant help but make a good impression.

POWER SUIT

THE NEW

ALL BUSINESS
Two-button wooland-silk suit ($4,195) by Giorgio Armani; cotton shirt ($375) by Ermenegildo Zegna; silk tie ($60) by Banana Republic; leather shoes ($395) by Johnston & Murphy; steel Traditional GMT Quartz watch ($450) by Tissot. Opposite: Doublebreasted wool suit ($3,365), cotton shirt ($375), and silk tie ($195) by Ermenegildo Zegna; steel-andtitanium TimeWalker ChronoVoyager UTC watch ($6,415) by Montblanc. 90 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

THE DOUBLE-BREASTED SITUATION:

If youve been sitting out the recent DB craze to see how it was going to pan out, this just in: DB is here to stay. Its a great way to turn up the volume of a standard suit, especially when the jacket is cut slim in the torso and arms.

WORKING
STYLE

ESQUIRE:

THE ENDORSEMENT

Black Shoe
Dont get us wrong: We love a polished brown lace-up around here. But the classic black cap-toe oxford shown above remains the platonic ideal of a dress shoe, and if you are to invest your time and tender into one pair of shoes, let this be it. Leather shoes ($475) by Johnston & Murphy.

THE

O P P O S I T E A N D T H I S PAG E , TO P L E F T: P H OTO G R A P H S B Y M AT T I A S E D WA L L

SHIRT AND TIE


RULES
Gingham? Sure. But butch it up some with a wool tie that has some weight to it. Cotton shirt ($109) by J. Hilburn; wool tie ($15) by the Tie Bar. Smaller pattern on shirt, bigger pattern on tie. Bigger pattern on shirt, smaller pattern on tie. Repeat. Cotton shirt ($375) by Ermenegildo Zegna; silk tie ($15) by the Tie Bar.

THE NEW

Many colors at once: tricky. When in doubt, match major color in your tie to minor color in your shirt (or vice versa). Cotton shirt ($304) by Ascot Chang; linen tie ($150) by Alexander Olch.

The man who bristles at the wearing of pink does not deserve the glory of its splendor. Cotton shirt ($270) by Thomas Pink; silk tie ($155) by Paul Smith.

Blue shirts are boring. Liven things up and take a chance with your tie. Cotton shirt ($135) by Thomas Mason for J. Crew; silk tie ($195) by Ralph Lauren Purple Label.

Clip, Save, Share, from any page. Download free from the iTunes App Store or Google Play.

91

THE GUIDE

POLO OR NO POLO?

The polo shirt got a bad rap during the Casual Friday debacle. But if it fits impeccably in the arms and sides (and lacks any visible logos), its a perfectly sensible option to pair with chinos and decent shoes. Take your casual cues from you boss, and if he polos, so can you.

HOW CASUAL ARE YOUR PANTS?


NOT VERY

THE SUGGESTION: WEAR A TIE WHEN YOU DONT HAVE TO.

The Double-MonkStrap Loafers


5

VERY
Especially if its a casual tie, meaning: It has texture. (Less shiny and flat than a typical dress tie.) And its thin. (Thinner, anyway, than what youre used to.) And its squared at the bottom. And it looks great. Silk knit tie ($60) by J. Crew. Please wear accordingly. 1. Cotton moleskin trousers ($487) by Phineas Cole. 2. Cotton corduroy trousers ($195) by J. Lindeberg. 3. Cotton trousers ($395) by Dunhill. 4. Cotton jeans ($244) by True Religion. 5. Cotton chinos ($68) by Dockers.

These are either the dressiest of a mans casual shoes or the most casual of his dress shoes, and you can wear them to elevate a pair of weathered khakis or dark jeans above lazy-weekend status. Leather monk-straps ($675) by Churchs.

92 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

O P P O S I T E A N D T H I S PAG E , TO P L E F T: P H OTO G R A P H S B Y M AT T I A S E D WA L L

THE CASUAL OFFICE

ALL BUSINESS
4

THE EXTRA 10 PERCENT

ONE GOOD

Now is a great time to be in the market for a sport jacket (or a blazer, or whatever you want to call it). The range of patterns and cloths is staggering, and youll want to look for a light construction (i.e., not too much padding) and a hint of texture, which conveys it wasnt swiped from a suit. Throw it over a dress shirt or a more laid-back button-down and youre ready for anything.

SPORT JACKET

WORKING
STYLE

ESQUIRE:

FOR STORE INFORMATION SEE PAGE 160.

Two-button cotton-and-linen jacket ($665) by L.B.M. 1911; cotton shirt ($195), Black Fleece by Brooks Brothers; cotton jeans ($180) by Diesel; cotton pocket square ($40) by Paul Stuart. Opposite: Cotton polo shirt ($85) by Jack Spade; cotton chinos ($80) by Kenneth Cole; suede ankle boots ($440) by Churchs; steel Gents Freelancer chronograph ($3,100) by Raymond Weil.

93

POLITICS
condence would have been to lose the previous two presidential elections retroactively. What also was plain was that the president had no intention of being moved off this choiceor, for that matter, off his subsequent elevation of John Brennan to head the CIA despite the loud opposition of the political leftme includedover the drone program that got so heedless that some progressive voices even lined up with nutty Rand Paul in his talking libuster against the Brennan nomination, until many of them realized that, on 99.99 percent of the issues facing the nation, Rand Paul is nuttier than his father. The president stood as strongly behind Brennan as he did behind Hagel, and as strongly as he stood behind attorney general Eric Holder during that whole preposterous Fast and Furious faux scandal. This is a president who has needed ak catchers as much as any president ever has, and his record indicates that he knows this as well as anybody. Two of the least satisfying things about the early days of The West Wing were all those earnest invocations of how they all served at the pleasure of the president, and the fact that a Democratic administration was forever threatening to re, or not to hire, qualied people because there was something in their public records that would set off an ensemble hissy t among the opposition. (Leo McGarry at one point vetoes the appointment of his own sister because she treated some home-schooled larvae badly on the issue of the constitutionality of public-school prayer.) Both of these ip the fundamental dynamic of public service on its head. The president works for the country. The president hires people to work for the country and, occasionally, and increasingly more often over the past thirty years, the interests of the president and the interests of the country radically diverge. Generally, presidents dont have to care about that very much, but presidential appointees are put in an impossible bind. And those are only the ones who do not require congressional approval. Ultimately, to take any job in an administration below that of president or vicepresident is to work on borrowed time. (Theres a reason why every Cabinet member hands in a letter of resignation at the beginning of a presidents second term.) But increasingly, and especially during the past two Democratic administrations, the personnel decisions of the executive

Seldom has an opposition party been more meretricious, and never has there been a president more in need of guys to take the slings and arrows. Think you want to work for the president? Think again.

ALL THE PRESIDENTS FLAK CATCHERS


BY CHARLES P. PIERCE

There was a moment back last winter, as the administration labored mightily to get

Chuck Hagel conrmed as the new secretary of defense, in which I thought everything might just snap. I thought there might come a moment in which Hagel, fed up with the piddling and the sniping and the intimations that he was preparing to sell Fort Bragg to Islamic Jihad, would simply rip from his body the shrapnel that he still carries there from his days in Vietnam and throw the bloody chunks of it in the faces of his various tormentors both in and out of the United States Senate. This moment came when many of the dimmer bulbs in the legislative chandelierI mean, honestly, Ted Cruz and Ron Johnson? The ho-mongering David Vitter? Jim Inhofe?signed a letter, perhaps in crayon or perhaps not, in which they expressed their reservations about giving Hagel the job. The letter read, in part: While we respect Senator Hagels honorable military service, in the interest of national security, we respectfully request that you withdraw his nomination. It would be unprecedented for a Secretary of Defense to take ofce without the broad base of bipartisan support and condence needed to serve effectively in this critical position. Of course, it was plain to everyone watching this extended exercise Charles P. in Kabuki that the only way Barack Obama could have found someone Pierce writes every day on with what was being described by this collection of the lame, the halt, Esquire.coms and the very, very stupid as a broad base of bipartisan support and Politics Blog.

94 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

I L LU ST R AT I O N BY L E O J U N G

POLITICS
branch are becoming subject to the politics of the moment, and, as such, the people being appointed increasingly nd that they are the targets in proxy wars that have nothing to do with their qualications or abilities and everything to do with simply hurting Obama. Their nominations are being used as weapons in the political battles over the policies they might be asked to carry out, as though Chuck Hagel were going to soften the countrys stance regarding Iranor any other threat to America, real or merely fantasized at CPACwithsponsibilities in administering the affairs of the government. As a collective body, they are about as useful as a vermiform appendixthough far more honored. Even presidents believe this, somewhere in the broad, bloodless space between their human hearts and their political viscera. Richard Nixon allowed Henry Kissinger, then the national security advisor, to do everything to Secretary of State William Rogers except throw Rogers into the Tidal Basin before nally simply removing Rogers and replacing him with Kissinger. Guiniers academic record was impeccable. But the Journal falsely labeled her a quota queen. (In fact, Guinier had written extensively in academic journals about her opposition to quotas.) The resulting restorm of enabled falsehood which, as was customary during the Clinton presidency, lapped over from the fever swamps of the conservative media and into the mainstreamhad the White House running for cover. (Clinton only recently had hired former Republican panjandrum David Gergen to reorganize his administration so that it could pivot to the center. Which, according to Beltway wiseguy conventional wisdom, is the only way a Democratic president is allowed to pivot.) Quickly, abandoning Guinier became yet another test of Clintons centrism. He passed. She went over the side. For all his maddening attempts to reconcile with the irreconcilable, and despite what I believe is as Republican-friendly a form of centrism as any practiced by Clinton, the one area in which the president has stood rmwith one notable exception, which well get to in a momentis in putting the people he wants around him in the jobs that he wants them to do, and standing by them when the nonsense begins to y. And that same discipline seems to hold true for most of the White House staff as well. When it looked like Holder was taking on water over Fast and Furious, there was no anonymous wheedling from the administration to the effect that it might be time for Holder to take one for the team and go spend more time with his family. There was very little sub rosa caviling over Hagel, either, even when the likes of Ted CruzWashingtons newest case of rhetorical ringworm (was there ever a smirk more in need of being wiped off a mans face?)was intimating that the former right-wing senator from Nebraska might be committing treason by cashing retainer checks from North Korea. This is not merely because, from long experience, this president has a nearly inhuman ability to avoid rising to the bait. And its not merely because the criticism was so laughable and the scandals so empty. Its that, far more than the previous Democratic president, this one sees the policies and the people who carry them out as inseparable. A ght over one is a ght over the other. For all his professed coolness, and for all his apparent ability to let personal [continued on page 160]

IF CONDI RICE HAD HAD AS HARD A SLOG TO GET TO BE SECRETARY OF STATE AS CHUCK HAGEL DID TO BE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE, I WOULD HAVE BEEN A MUCH HAPPIER MAN.
out the president noticing what was going on. This is anticipatory political war based on something an administration might dono, scratch that, based on something a deranged right-wing fever dream of an administration might dorather than anything it has shown the slightest inclination of actually doing, a way of limiting the presidents options on decisions preemptively, lest Obama go through with his plans to make Ban Ki-moon copresident. (Just watch, that last thing will have legs.) Hagels nomination ght was a way to tell the president that any shift on Iranor, indeed, any major departure from the fundamental principles of the war on terrorwould be taken at his own peril. The president, to his credit, did not blink. He still has the same options in 2014 and 2015 that he had before Chuck Hagel ever went before the committee. This was not always the case. Presidents can be dened by how they allow their future policy choices to be circumscribed. Presidents can be dened not only by whom they hire but also by whom they choose to re. Or not. And why.
The late historian George Reedy, who

96 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

wrote The Twilight of the Presidency, which remains a seminal and prescient account of how the ofce works, once wrote of a presidents Cabinet that it is one of those institutions in which the whole is less than the sum of its parts. As individual ofcers, the members bear heavy re-

What has changed a little is that, increasingly, the Congress has taken Reedys assessment to heart as well. I am not one of those boring sods who believe that politics should always be kept out of the appointment process. (If Condi Rice had had as hard a slog to get to be secretary of state as Hagel did to be secretary of defense, I would have been a much happier man.) Every ofce in government is a political ofce. The system was designed to be that way. Conrmation ghts are supposed to be political ghts. The problems come in when presidents decide they dont want to win them because they might be too hard. In many ways, Bill Clinton was an admirable president, but his towering political skills had one great aw. If he saw a political ght in which he had no room to triangulate his positionin which there was no Third Wayhe often would abandon it in favor of a political ght that gave him more room to maneuver. Unfortunately, on several occasions, the former included nomination ghts, which had real consequences for individual people, and which lent Clintons administration not an air of incompetence but an air of fecklessness. Most notably, this was true in the 1993 case of Lani Guinier, Clintons nominee to be the assistant attorney general for civil rights, whom he abandoned in the face of a harshand completely meretriciousattack on Guiniers scholarship by The Wall Street Journal.

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E S QU I R

W H AT EAND E D I S T OU HER BEING OUT T ON OF HILE WERE I T A R B W RS A CELE LIKE TO DO ROGE PAU L
ILLUS T R AT IONS BY

WE

Winter is over, and temperatures have returned to a level hospitable to creatures with warm blood. So get off the couch and into some shorts. Maybe put on a little sunscreen. Its time to get outside again.
98 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

NOW IS THE TIME


to discover a world where the flame of the grill burns long and bright and true. Where each grill is created with equal parts of joy and technology. Where starters start, temperatures hold strong, and the goodness of the grill is endless. So come along. Pick up the tongs. Raise your spatulas. Its time.

THE ENDORSEMENT

OUT OF DOORS
2013

THE OUTDOOR SHOWER

When a Man Lea Learns arns to S Slalom


AS MUCH FUN AS IT IS ALREADY, WATERSKIING CAN BE EVEN BETTERAS SOON AS YOU GET A LITTLE HELP BY PETER MARTIN

The best thing about waterskiing

aside from the rush of skimming over the water at the top speed of a Kiais that everyone can do it, from a kid to a grandpa. And thats where the trouble starts: You start to think you know what youre doing. Which is dumb. You wouldnt take up the oboe with only a few pointers from a neighbor, and you shouldnt do it with waterskiing, either. My dad taught me to ski, just like he taught me to throw a baseball and tuck my undershirt directly into my underwear. But unlike baseball, no coach ever took over for waterskiing. And unlike my Hanes undersuit, waterskiing didnt solve itself the rst time I walked in front of a mirror. On the water, I was limited to what he could teach me and what I could gure out on my own. Which was ne, until I got bored and wanted to slalom. No matter how much advice my dad gave or how many times I watched him, I couldnt get out of the water. It sucked. And it hurt. Id basically given up, and then I spent time with Boca Raton ski instructor and former national barefoot champion Mike Frankenbush ($140 per hour; walkinonwaterski.com). What I couldnt learn in two weeks, he taught me in two hours. And he didnt seem to care or know that I took a leak while he did it.

SOME OF HIS TIPS: BALANCE LEG: To know which foot to use, start

on two skis and try the skiers salute: Raise the tip of one ski high in the air while balancing on the other. Use whichever leg you can stay up on for ten seconds. PREP: Ball up like a cannonball, with your forward knee touching your chest. Your back leg should be out of the ski and extended behind you, and your ski should be barely above the surface of the water, with the smallest angle you can get between tip and water. STANDING: When you think you should stand, wait. Let the ski fully plane before you attempt to extend your leg. Thenand this is the most helpful thing a beginning slalom skier can learnto gain balance, jam your back foot into the wake like a rudder. You may not look that smooth, but your rear foot provides support until your front leg is under control. SKIING: Everybody wants to lean back, but you should actually keep your knees bent and your body centered over your feet. Once youre up, slalom is actually easier than two skis. And a lot more fun. CONFIDENCE: Dont ask about the alligators until after youve headed in for the day.

R E Q U I R E D D E D I C AT I O N
LOW HIGH

THE GEAR

HO Sports Burner Pro: Wide, with a deep V bottom for improved stability. ($215; hosports.com)

Movies. Drinking. Children. While perfectly enjoyable indoors, they all become exponentially better when brought outside. And those are just run-of-the-mill joys. Now think about your shower. Inside, its a sanctuary. Outside, its a celebration of luxury and privacy. Without steam to smother you, your body feels every degree of difference between the chill of the air and the heat of the water. Your mind relaxes, distracted by the beauty around it, but theres also a pleasant tensiona sense that, purely by being unclothed, youre doing something illicit. Embrace it. After all, youre outside, just as God intended. Naked, just as God intended. And in a private space, just as your neighbors prefer. P.M.

300 Feet Up
BY DAV I D C U R C U R I T O

ROCK CLIMBERS ARE EITHER HIGHLY TECHNICAL , OR DEAD

Rock climbing is a lot like golf: Youll be a beginner for the rest of your life. Its also not at all like golf, in that picking the wrong club wont end with you falling to your death. The sport requires constant precision, which means climbers are nothing like your average jock. Theres not a lot of ass slapping or chest pounding. Theres no time for that kind of thing. Not when you have checks, double checks, and triple checks to follow. Your life depends on the choices you makeand the mistakes.

A FEW P L AC E S TO GO
100 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

H E L LS C A N YO N , O R EG O N

W H I T E -WAT E R R A F T I N G O N T H E S NA K E R I V E R

Category IV rapids in the deepest river gorge in North America. One boat goes ahead to set up lunch and camp, so its ready when you get there. (three-day trip, $990 per person; rowadventures.com)

Buy selected items from this story by scanning here with Netpage.

THE GEAR

Stihl MS-271: Compact and powerful, with low emissions to help you feel green. You know, while youre cutting down trees. ($440; stihlusa.com)

My Acre
WHERE I CAN DO, LEARN, AND FELL WHATEVER I WANT B Y R YA N D A G O S T I N O

Long before my wife and I bought the house, some forgotten storm had knocked over an oak, and it had landed at the base of a birch. No one ever cleared the oak, and its rotted-out hulk sat against the trunk of the birch, redirecting its growth, forcing it into a gnarled arc hanging like a gallows over what is now my driveway. My father looked at it when he was helping us move in. Youll probably want to get a chain saw and do something about that, he said. Soon enough, I forgot about the birch. There was so much to do, and in the rst few months I tackled jobs that seemed more urgent, like painting, and removing the nest mice had built in the engine of my car. Also, there was the fear. It would be embarrassing to cut off my leg with a chain saw so soon after moving to the country. Not

that I mentioned the fear to my father, who is not afraid of anything. I called Stihl, because Andreas Stihl invented the chain saw. I told them my story: new house, medium-sized tree, not scared at all. They suggested the MS-271, a workhorse. They also suggested bright orange chaps, a helmet with a mesh mask and built-in earb phones, gloves, and goggles. I got it all. I also spent a good hour with Mark at Bethel Power Equipment, asking him to show me one more time how to start it, what to do if it kicks back, the right stance. Finally, one warm Saturday, I called my dad and asked if he wanted to come check out the saw. He loves this stuff. If its outside and theres two-cycle-engine oil involved, hes in. An hour later we were standing next to the birch. I wore the helmet with the built-in earphones and the mesh mask, the gloves, the orange chaps. I looked like an ironworker dressed up as a smoke jumper. My dad wore old khakis. He showed me how to cut a notch so the tree wouldnt bind around the blade. I braced the chain saw against the ground with my boot, as Mark had shown me. I pulled the starter and the chain saw roared into the spring air like a turboprop. I tightened my grip, aimed the blade at the invisible mark my dad had drawn on the trunk with his nger. I held it close to the wood. I was nervous. Three seconds. Thats probably what it took to make the notch. Then another ten to draw the blade through the trunk. I barely felt itthats how powerful a chain saw is. My whole body was tensed, guarding against a kickback. I was imagining, even as I sawed, what all those tiny tooth blades could do to my leg if they could oat through a tree trunk that easily. Nice one, my dad said as the birch fell. I gotta admit, I said. I was a little scared. And he looked over at me and said, Thats good. I removed my giant helmet. Yeah? Oh, yeah, he said. You always want to be a little scared of a chain saw.

R E Q U I R E D D E D I C AT I O N
LOW HIGH

Your most important choice is your climbing partner. You need to trust him with your life. Your first climb will probably go something like this: Um, so youve got me, right? This rope will hold me, right? Then you climb a little and ask again. You climb a little higher and you lock upstaring directly ahead, gripping the rock so tightly your arms shake. Your hands are sweating like crazy and you yell to your partner, I cant do this, Im going to fall, Im going to fall. Then your arms give out and you fallfour to six inches.

You feel the weight of your body in the harness. You pry your eyes back open and think, I didnt die. Thats not so bad. Also: Look at the size of my junk in this harness. And so you try again, but this time you have more trust in the equipment, your partner, and, most important, yourself. Eventually you learn to rely on your feet and legsnot your arms, as people assume. Its about the small movements, not the leaps and dangles. When done well, climbing looks effortless, like a dance. And its thrilling. Hanging three hundred feet

above the ground on a vertical slab, your heart pumping, the wind blowing in your hair, and a small pee stain on your pantsyou get a real sense of accomplishment, a workout, and a fantastic view. No matter how good you get, one thing you never want to lose in climbing is fear. Use it to your advantage. A climber with no fear is probably dead.
R E Q U I R E D D E D I C AT I O N
LOW HIGH

M I SAW L A K E LO D G E , SAS K ATC H E WA N

PIKE FISHING IN SA S K AT C H E WA N

A sixteen-person fly-in camp just inside the northeast border of Saskatchewanfour hours and hundreds of miles from anything you could even begin to consider civilization. Gourmet breakfast and dinner at the lodge, but every other minute is fishing, routinely pulling in forty-five-inch northern pike with your Indian guide. Ask for Thomas. ($3,595 for five days; misawlakelodge.com)

101

OUT OF DOORS
2013

The Joy of Tennis


BUT ONLY WHEN YOURE WINNING BY RICHARD DORMENT

I can tell you the last time I loved playing tennis. It

was late in the summer of 1990, and I was playing the only other eleven-year-old I knew who could beat me with any consistency. He was a pint-sized McEnroe all serve and volley and Are you KIDDING me?!?and I was a little Borg, holding the baseline, chasing down the ball, waiting for his returns to go long or wide or in the net. I broke him late in the rst

set, and he slammed down his racket, screeched, and broke down in tears. It was brutally hot and impossibly sunny, and as I waited for his tantrum to subside and felt my sunscreened sweat burn my eyes, I remember thinking, This is fun. It didnt last long. He beat me that day in three, and after working relentlessly on his game the following winter, hed never drop a set to me again. Other kids our age also started to get serious about

COOKING

HOW TO COOK OUTSIDE


BY J E R E M Y S E WA L L
C H E F, I S L A N D C R E E K OY S T E R BAR, BOSTON

I come from a family of lobstermen. Growing up, we would have big clambakes on the beach, with lobsters caught that morning. You can recreate this pretty much anywhere with a classic New England bonfire. Dig a hole in the sand or dirt, one foot deep and two and a half feet by two and a half feet across. Build a big fire inside. Use hardwood if you have itapple, oak, birch. Wait until the flames burn down and you have a bed of really, really hot coals. First thing to do is get some potatoes going. They take about an hour. Wrap each one in foil and set them around the edge of the fire, right in the coals. Spin them 180 degrees a couple of times as they cook. Next, prop a grill grate eight inches above the coals. Put a few sticks of butter in a pot and set it toward the edge so the butter melts while you get the fish ready. (Keep your seafood in a cooler on a layer of ice until youre ready to cook it, but never let the ice melt so much that your clams or lobsters are in standing water. Theyll drown.) Lay hard-shelled clams like littlenecks or cherrystones directly on the grill and let them open up. Grab them off the grill with tongs and dip them in the melted butter. You can do the same thing with oysters, minus the butter. Split live lobsters in half lengthwise by laying each one on its back and driving the tip of a knife through the headthis kills them instantly. Then just continue cutting down the length of the lobster. Crack the claws a little so the meat gets exposed to the heatclaw shells are thicker than the rest of the body. Throw on the grill and turn them while they cook. When the tail meat is nice and white and feels firm, the lobster is cooked. There are no rules to this. Let everyone graze around the fire all afternoon and into the night. Youll have some fresh lemon youre squeezing on everything. Everyone will be eating with their hands. And youll never want it to stop.

BELIZE

SCUBA DIVING THE G R E AT B LU E H O L E

Drop into the warm water of this beautiful, enormous circular sinkhole and youll quickly find yourself deeper than youve ever gone before. Then look up to see the unmistakable silhouettes of curious sharks. Dozens of them. Maybe hundreds. Dont forget to breathe. ($225 per person; frenchiesdivingbelize.com)

102 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

Clip, Save, Share, from any page. Download free from the iTunes App Store or Google Play.

tennisabout topspin and pronation and strategy. And they would eventually kick my ass, too. I never wanted to get serious. I only wanted to have fun, and those easy lessons on long summer days were all the fun I ever needed. I wasnt smart enough to realize until it was too late that winning, or even the prospect of winning, was the fun part for me, and once I let my peers get so far ahead of me in form and technique, the fun pretty much stopped. I would spend the next twenty years not playing a game that had lled my bookshelf with trophies, and I now look back on that time the way friends of mine talk about their early soccer stardom or Little League no-hitters: I was really good as a kid, you know. Thats how I found myself taking daily lessons at Manhattan Plaza Racquet Club in New York City. Bored with the gym and facing another summer sitting on my ass, I convinced myself that with intensive practice and a little discipline, I could recapture what Id lost and maybe even improve on it. I bought some Federer Nikes (ugly, but comfortable), borrowed a racket (see right), and committed myself to becoming the best elevenyear-old player I could possibly be. My instructor, Hunter Holbrook, was once a DIII all-conference player (and a former intern at this magazine), and after hitting with me for an hour on my rst day, he was encouraged. Good fundamental stroke mechanics, he wrote in his notes (which he

THE GEAR

Wilson Steam 99S: A new stringing technique improves topspin, which Wilson claims virtually lengthens the court by up to a foot. ($220; wilson.com/tennis)

shared with me in full after Id completed my training with him). Understandably very rusty considering lack of time on court in recent years . . . but the ability is there. I tore up my feet and hands with blisters, pulled muscles in my shoulders and hips. I looked at rst like John Candy hufng and heaving his way through the racquetball game in Splash. But gradually, I did get better. With each lesson, which typically ended with a few games of competitive match play (with Hunter playing at around 30 percent), Id sense that once familiar feeling creep up on me. Was this fun? It was fun. I was having fun! The last time I played with Hunter, his notes read, With the right amount of time on court, you could really make great strides. And this got me to thinking about one of our lessons early on. There were two matches going on on neighboring courts. On court one: two guys roughly my age and build, hitting and spinning the shit out of the ball and locked in some kind of grudge match to settle a bar tab. On court two: an older married couple thick with age, dinking the ball back and forth, complimenting each others points, laughing at each others faults, and having what appeared to be a blast. What a great way, I thought, to spend an afternoon. For them. I had to get back to my ground strokes.

R E Q U I R E D D E D I C AT I O N
LOW HIGH

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OUT OF DOORS
2013

How to Camp Alone


YOU CANT KNOW WHATS ESSENTIAL UNTIL YOURE LEFT WITH NOTHING BUT BY STEVEN LECKART

In my twenties, I embraced treks into the wilder-

GEAR ness because, like any liberal-arts major hopped up on Kerouac, I craved adventure and Zen n and nourishment for the soul, man. Now a thirty-something something husband and dad with far less time (and marijuana) a) on hand, Ive discovered that camping does, nevertheless, offer more than a reprieve from domesticity. Yes, I savor the break reak from broken garbage disposals and diaper changes. But its ts not like digging your own toilet, building a re, and climbing trails rails with thirty-one pounds of gear on your back is any less of f a slog. Sierra Designs I choose to camp because its Pack Sabbath: Time alone just Light Year 1: to exist with what little you can carry. Stripping away ay all the th Only two pounds, 11 ounces, and material stuff you dont need (a hardback best seller, spare unfits both you and derwear) and prioritizing everything you do (water, complex your pack with a little room to carbohydrates, two-ply toilet paper) is a reminder of whats esspare. ($190; sierrasential in this world. You dont have to journey far, or for long, designs.com) to appreciate this. Recently, I spent a night on Angel Island, a small state park in San Francisco Bay with more deer than campers and magnicent views of the Golden Gate Bridge. Its not the backwoods of Alaska. But it worked. I also got more than Id expected: At dinner, my headlamp illuminated two glowing green eyes in the bushes. Our raccoons, a park ranger had warned me that morning, are particularly aggressive. If you nd yourself in such a predicament, here is what will go down: You will pull out your pocketknife, and you will bellow to no one in particular, I got this. And when that furry little bastard charges, you wont hesitate. Or maybe youll just shufe briskly into your tent, zip it shut, and keep swigging from a ask until you conk out at 8:17 P.M., only to awaken two hours later to something from outside slapping against your leg. And youll kick whatever-the-fk-that-is until it scampers away, allowing you to slip back into a not-so-deep sleep. Either way, youll awaken when the sun decides you should. The tent will feel more cramped than it did the night before. Youll reek of bad breath, bourbon, and nutsack. But stepping back outside to look around, you will feel refreshed. And youll re up your little stove, and brew a cup of black coffee, and sip it leisurely, because there R E Q U I R E D D E D I C AT I O N is nowhere you have to be, and nothing LOW HIGH else to do. Not right now.

THE

C H U GAC H M O U N TA I N S, A N C H O R AG E

ICE CLIMBING IN ALASKA

Theres ice year-round. Get set up with gear, then spend the day climbing vertical cliffs of glacier ice. (from $250 per person; ascendingpath.com)

104 E S Q U I R E  M O N T H 2 0 1 1

TIM MCGRAW

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106 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

O D R A N O LE
FA M O U S T S O M E WO R L D I N G DOES TH E H T N I MAN TRAIN OF LIV R ?O ES F E E L T H R E ST O F U S D O E MAKES H S E C I AS T H E O EG R E E E LIFE CH D E N O ARE TH N UL AND BETWEE F R E D N O F WO OT H E R ? AN

N A M A E M A BEC

VADUKU X A M Y B S H P A HOTOGR

Guy sitting itting in i a room, talking ng about how comfortable com mfo fort rt he feels. feel els s his neck neck. Then he he cracks cra cr hes Thing is, he cracks crack ks his h neck ck at the exact moment mom mo m e s talking e talki about how comfortable m ortable he feels mf feelsas hes s sg giving iving a little speech iv spe pe about ut his feelings of co comfort. ort. or t. This T Th is is is what at he he says: sa recently, few years, comfortMost rece cent ntly ly, , the last st f ew y ears, I feel way more co comf able ble than tha han n Ive ever felt. You al alwa w y t that, and th always talk about th then one day d da y you youre like: If f they dont nt like this, w well, fuck uck ck em. What Wha can you do? do? Its a resignation tion to life a and who you are. Hey, look look, k Im pretty well-formed wellas an adult a now. . I dont have to impress imp im anybody. You ask yourself these different questions: What do I want to do? Interesting I question: What do I want to do? What makes me really happy? Ive learned all these things that Im supposed to do. I know Im supposed to be in that place and do that thing . . . but to really, deeply ask yourself that questionWhat do I want to do? First crack comes at the beginning of the speech, as the punctuation of the rst sentence. And its really loud. Hes sitting in a chair when he does it, in the big empty conference room of a big expensive hotel. Hes been sitting in the chair a couple hours. Hes been all twisty, one leg slung over the other, the collar of his V-neck T-shirt not lining up with the collar of the

blue-and-black-checked shirt he wears over it. Hes one of those guys who has to invest a lot of energy into staying put, and so as he makes his speech, hes also untangling himself, putting his hands on his knees and his feet on the oor. And then he starts straining against himself, like Samson in chains. This is how it goes: When he says Most recently, the last few years, I feel way more comfortable than Ive ever felt, he turns his chin toward his right shoulder, a full 45 degrees. A stripe of blue vein shows up in his surprisingly thick neck. Crack. And when he says Interesting question: What do I want to do? he turns his chin toward his left shoulder. Crack. Each crack has a snappy percussive element, like a ngernail icked hard against a snare drum. Each one is loud enough to be heard on a tape recorder. Now, the guy is an actor, so imagine if he cracked his neck like that in a movie while giving a speech about, you know, happiness. Imagine that hes sitting in a big empty room, and hes dwarfed by both its size and its ratty, faded elegancethe scarred little table next to his chair, the yellowed carpet under his feet, the dustgray chandelier that hangs over his head. And imagine one more thingthat hes wearing a jaunty little driving cap and smoking a

108 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

battery-powered cigarette with a glowing green tip . . . no, that hes been blowing smoke rings with the battery-powered cigarette, even though the whole point of the battery-powered cigarette is that theres no re and nothing ever really burns. The cracked neck would mean something, right? In a movie, it would be a gesture a tell. It would reveal character. If the screenwriter put it in the script, it would serve the story. If the director suggested it, it would serve his vision. And if the actor just, like, did it in a take, it would show how intuitive he is. He would crack his neck to add tension to the scene, to communicate menace, or, at the very least, to undercut his own claims of comfort. One thing is certain: No actor cracks his neck like that in a movie for no reason at all. But heres the thing: Leonardo DiCaprio is not in a movie. Hes just being himself. The cracked neck is just a cracked neck, not a significant gesture but rather a neutral and therefore inscrutable one. Youre not even supposed to ask about it, and when you do the conversation immediately sounds ridiculous: You just cracked your neck. I did. That was some crack. It was. It was pretty loud. And so the cracked neck becomes the measure of the difference between the two lives that Leonardo DiCaprio has made for himself: In the dark of the movie theater, it would mean everything. In the light of day, it means nothing at all. Guy walks wa alk lks s into the venerable Hollywood establishment Dan TaGuy Differ nas. Different guynot Leonardo DiCaprio. But this guy, Rick Yorn Yo rn has something so Yorn, very valuable in a place like Dan Tanas back in 1999he has Leonardo DiCaprio, whom he has represented as cli cl i nt since s sinc inc in c DiCaprio was a kid. When the kid was just a teenaga client e two movies that announced his talent to a new gener, he made erat er at of m eration moviegoers the way, says one of his friends, that The a Midnight Cowboy announced not just the arrival Graduate and of an actor named Dustin Hoffman but also a whole new style of acting. The movies were This Boys Life and Whats Eating Gilbert Grape, and in the rst one the kid stands up to Robert De Niro, in the second to Johnny Depp. And then he made Romeo + Juliet and Titanic, which made him, as a very young man, the biggest movie star in the world. So when Yorn goes to Dan Tanas to meet some friends, he gets summoned to the table of a tanned old man in big black eyeglasses, Lew Wasserman. Wasserman is the wise old owl of Hollywood, in the sense that he has night vision and talons. Hes a combination rabbi and mobster, pope and Caesar, Darryl Zanuck and Henry Fordhe in-

vented the industry he lords over. And now he wants to speak to Yorn about his client. Lew was old and near the end by this time, Yorn says. He died a year or two later. But he knew I was Leos manager, and he wanted to give me some advice. He said, Only let them see him in a dark room. It took me a minute to gure it out. But what he meant was only let people see him in the movie theater. Thats the dark room. Its harder now, Yorn says. Its harder to live out of the public eye than it was in Wassermans day. Every citizen has a camera, and every tabloid photographer has a camera with a telephoto lens. The kid lives in a celebrity surveillance state. Still, hes done a pretty good job of maintaining his mystique, Yorn saysof making his living in the dark. And besides, hes not a kid anymore. These days, when you call Rick Yorn and tell him you want to talk about Leonardo DiCaprio, this is what he exclaims: The king! Hes been a pretty good king, as kings go. No, we dont know very much about him outside the dark room, by his own design. What we do know is that hes been doing what hes doing for a very long time, and that he seems to have created for himself a life of unalloyed advantage. He has meaningful work and meaningful friendships. He has the power to make any movie he wants and a choice of both directors and women. He can go anywhere he pleases and has lately chosen to go where he feels he can do the most good. Hes not only talented but driven. Hes dogged in everything hes ever done, a largely unschooled man whos learned the value of doing his homework. If, at times, talking to him about life is like talking about food with someone whos never done anything but order from a menuwell, the menu has been both expensive and extensive, and hes learned enough to know exactly what he likes. He is always in ferocious demand, and yet he has always been in equally ferocious control of his own life, from the time he was very young. Is there anything else we can possibly ask of him, other than to lose control of his life, for our benet? Is there anything else we can possibly ask of any of them, be they Leonardo DiCaprio or Brad Pitt or Matt Damon? We have a prejudice about kids who become kings, in that we like to see them earn their crown, preferably by enduring some kind of trialby going off to battle or taking speech lessons or marrying a tragic queen. But what can we possibly ask Leonardo DiCaprio to endure, to prove himself to us? Can we see him as any less a man because he made the road to manhood look so easy? A few years ago, he was on a plane. He was ying to Russia. He was due to meet with Vladimir Putin at a conference Putin organized to help save the Siberian tiger. Hes taken the tiger as his cause. He was on a Delta ight to Moscow. He often ies commercial, according to friends who say that, after all, hes just a regular guy. The ight had departed Kennedy and was already out over the ocean. He was looking out the window when he saw one of the engines explode. Remember that scene in Twilight Zone: The Movie when the guy looking out the window sees the monster gleefully tearing apart the wing? Leo fucking loves that movie, loves The Twilight Zone. Hes trying to produce a Twilight Zone movie of his own. But it was like thathe was, like, the rst to see the engine explode, so he didnt know if the engine had really exploded. Like a lot of famous people, hes learned how to sleep on planes, so

109

he thought maybe he was dreaming. Or crazy, teen years ago, when he went from promising like the John Lithgow character in the movie. lm star to international pop star, and his fame He thought to himself, Holy shit! but he didnt jumped the boundaries of Lew Wassermans want to come right out and say that. Then some dark room. He had the kind of young mans guy in the rst-class cabin said Holy shit! face beloved by young girls, soft and smooth, really loud, in a heavy Russian accent. Then maybe even a little safe: a beautiful face, not NTHS. the lights went out. Then the other engine, the unlike their own. And he still does, even now, O M E IN LIKE: N second engine, went out. Hes on this plane out in the haggard hotel room that scrubs even a over the ocean, the lights are out, and the simug like DiCaprios of its dark-room mysteries. lence is, like, consummate. Sure, there are peoIn person, he has what he has in the movies ple screaming and shrieking and crying and unsullied cheeks, eyes striking not just for their praying, but the silence is what undergirds evT MOVIE color but for the volatility of their regard, and a A H T D I D I erything, the silence is whats inspiring peobig mobile forehead that he forces into frowns ple to make all that noise. The planes gliding, both expressive and utterly evanescent. Its an dude. The pilots had to shut down the workAmerican face, wide and malleable, with the ing engine to make sure that the engine he saw nibs of a mustache and beard, and dark exotE K explode wasnt on re. ic eyebrows that function like Gothic arches I L T N He had been in a similar situation once bein a megachurch. Eight years ago, his face was OH, I DID ONE fore, when he was tandem skydiving and the attacked by a woman with a wineglass at a parTHAT chute didnt open. He was just falling, falling, ty in the Hollywood Hills. He sustained sevfalling, in that eerie encompassing silence enteen stitches. But those scars have been eiof unbroken descent . . . while his instructor ther meticulously or miraculously dissolved. NTLY TO worked to cut the line and deploy what turned It is no longer an unmixed blessing, that face. A T S N O C out to be a second tangled chute. So he recogHis manager, Rick Yorn, calls him a characnizes this feeling. Hes felt it before. He says to ter actor in a leading mans body, and he has OVIES IN himself, This is not good, whereupon he hears reached the point where his face needs to grow GREAT M the Russian guy echoing him in that heavy Rusinto his roles, not vice versa. His last two movsian accent, This is not good. . . . ies have seen him take on his own beauty Then the second engine restarts, and they with makeup and claustrophobic prosthetics go up . . . but now they have to y around for in Clint Eastwoods J. Edgar, and with what an hour, dumping fuel into the ocean, behe calls the old-fashioned sand paint that cause otherwise theyd be too heavy even for stained his teeth in Quentin Tarantinos Djanthe emergency landing, the descent into the swirling red lights go Unchained. His friends suggest that hes eager to leave his boyassembled on the tarmac. He can see them, too, through the winishness behind, but until he nds a replacement for it hell have dow in the distance, the consoling re instead of the annihilating to work to make audiences accept him as a man. one, getting closer and closerand then they land, and he signs It is not simply a matter of his face. He is a man on the verge autographs for the crew. of middle age who has not had the experiences that force othAnd then he has to gure out what to do next. He has to decide er men to leave their boyhoods behind once and for all. He has whether to get in the air again. Its not like he wants to, because not gotten married. He has not had children. He has not had to when you fall like that, you realize something about the airits live with his mistakes. Instead, he has had experiences that most air. Its not solid, and it can drown you. But he hasand this is other men can only dream of and has endured nothing but sucwhat people dont realizeresponsibilities. So he nds a private cessfame, respect, money, meaningful work, adulation. Many plane willing to go right to St. Petersburg. By now, though, theres of his friends remark upon his maturity. But even they cant say weather over the Atlantic, and the private jet takes such a beathow he acquired it. ing that it cant reach Russia on the allotted fuel. Theres an unThe Leo I know now is a man. The Leo I knew at nineteen scheduled landing in Helsinki. Still, he makes it to St. Petersburg, was a boy, says Baz Luhrmann. Luhrmann directed DiCaprio makes Putins conference, and he writes a check for the tigers$1 in Romeo + Juliet, the movie that introduced him to the teenmillion of his own money. And Putin recognizes not only a man age market and set him up for the seismic success of Titanic. In who loves tigers as much as he does, he recognizes a peer. One a way, Luhrmann was the last to see DiCaprio before he became, is a politician who has acquired enough power to live like a lm in Luhrmanns words, as big as the Beatles. star. One is a lm star who has acquired enough fame to live like Now, twenty years later, hes directed DiCaprio in this suma politician. Theyre both the same; they both exist in the world mers Great Gatsby. And he speaks of DiCaprios maturity with a of transcendent and transnational celebrity, and so when Putin reverence born of surprise and relief. I tell people that they have addresses the conference, he asks Leonardo DiCaprio to stand up. to understand that Leonardos only ever been on a movie set. He He recounts the whole story. And then at last, speaking in Rusknows nothing else. So I think its a paradox. Theres absolutesian, he pronounces DiCaprio a nastoyashi muzhik: ly no question that hes grown and matured, but hes grown and A real man. matured in a way unique to Leonardo. Nobody knows the kind of fame that Leonardo knows, and its far more common for people He does not yet look like a real man. Not with that face. Its a fato become deranged by it. Its generally quite toxic. But somehow mous facefamous for looking young. Hes thirty-eight years it hasnt been toxic for Leonardo. Hes been very good at making old, but he doesnt look substantially different than he did sixchoices for his self-preservation.

NG HOW LO URE T H AT FO R ? YO

W H AT ? A N D Y E

AH,

FOR ONE YEAR


.

ARE REMEMBE

R E D .

110 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

S U I T, S H I R T, A N D T I E B Y D O L C E & G A B B A N A . P A G E 1 0 8 : S W E A T E R A N D S H I R T B Y G U C C I ; J E A N S B Y C I T I Z E N S O F H U M A N I T Y.

F ACHIEVE THE

ROLLING THE

DICE

EW

Leo L eo was maybe ayb ybe be tw twelve. He was on his way home from school with his h hi s mom. m m. He saw a kid making an episode of a TV show on a street in L L.A. H He recognized the kid from auditions. Thats mainly what h e did in L. A., so he saw a lot of kids who were, on the surface, just he lik like himthey were all animated by the same dream and had the same determination s on and deep down they were all just as desperate. But this kid, To Tobey Maguire, he really was just like Leo: He grew g ew u gr up p in L. L. A. A and he was being raised by a single mom and he speak like, ve languages and he just wantedneededto didnt speak, act. So DiCaprio told his mother to stop the car, like, now. I literally jumped out of the car, he says. I was like, Tobey! Tobey! Hey! Hey! And he was like, Oh, yeahI know you. Youre . . . that guy. But I just made him my pal. When I want someone to be my friend, I just make them my friend. It was the beginning of a famous friendship; it was also the beginning of DiCaprios effort to organize around himself the surrogate family he would need to survive what he was about to become. He couldnt have known the level of stardom that awaited him, and yet both DiCaprio and Maguire acknowledge that their friendship was no accidental adolescent alliance but rather an accomplishment of DiCaprios overweening sense of purpose: You dont become as successful as Leo if you dont know how to get what you want, Maguire says. DiCaprio wanted to be friends with Maguire, and with Lukas Haas and later with Kevin Connolly, in the same way that he wanted parts in movies. They were all child actors rather than simply children, and so they knew their way around the competition and rivalries that poison friendships formed in simpler circumstancesknew their way around the discovery that DiCaprio was not the same as them. It was a discovery that Maguire made when, after DiCaprio beat him out for the lead role in This Boys Life, Maguire got a part as one of his friends . . . and so had a chance to be on the set and witness the level of preparation that DiCaprio brought to his performance. It was a discovery that Connolly made watching DiCaprio play the mentally disabled boy in Whats Eating Gilbert Grape, a role that earned DiCaprio an Academy Award nomination at the age of nineteen, and, in Connollys words, changed everything. No, it didnt change their immediate circumstances; they were still living in crash pads in Westwood and Studio City and roaming L. A. like a pack of wolves. But it changed Connollys presumptions about his friend. He always thoughtand still insiststhat Leonardo DiCaprio is a painfully normal guy. But

he wasnt, really, at least in terms of what he could do in the dark room. And so it was going to be Connollys task to help Leonardo DiCaprio lead the semblance of a normal life. It worked as well as it could. Twenty years ago, when Baz Luhrmann invited him to Australia to start working on Romeo + Juliet, DiCaprio traded in his business-class ticket for ve tickets in coach and brought his friends with him. I thought, He realizes hes never going home, Luhrmann says. So he brought his home with him. Luhrmann was right, on both counts. The level of fame that DiCaprio achieved when most of his friends were still struggling to get parts was both liberating and obliterating. On the one hand, he could do anythinghave any woman, make any movie. On the other . . . well, I was like, Oh, my God. I really didnt understand what fame was and I didnt understand what being in a giant hit was and I didnt understand what a giant hit Titanic was compared with other giant hits. There was no rule book. There was nobody to navigate me through the experience of being watched all the time and nobody to tell me how to be normal when everybody is acting and looking at me differently. He turned to his friends and shared the fruits of his fame with them. They were all the same guys, but now they became notoriousLeonardo DiCaprios Pussy Posse of the late ninetiesbecause he was notorious. But hell, that was long ago. Some of those guys became famous in their own rightTobey Maguire for Spider-Man and Kevin Connolly for his role as the force of sanity in the life of a good-looking megastar on Entourage. And then they started having lives of their own, getting married, having kids. And DiCaprio didnt. Oh, he had a life, sure, but it was like, the same life, allowing for differences in scale. All the guy did was make movies. There were women, of course, some of them famous beauties, but, as he says, six months of being on location or being off in Morocco or someplace like that is not the best thing for a relationship. He got a dog but had to give it to his mom to take care of because if I had to feed it, it would starve and die. Over the last two years, he made three movies, Gatsby, Django Unchained, and The Wolf of Wall Street, and when he nally came home, his friends were like, Dude, you dont even live here anymore. No, he cant have a normal life. But his friends can. They were total wingmen when he was leading them through the high-life of L. A. and New York and Paris more than fteen years ago. Now hes their wingman as they give him a tour of the kitchen, the patio, a glimpse of domestic comfort. Connolly lives in the same neighborhood as DiCaprioten houses away, he says. So does Maguire. And so they go back and forth. They play basketball on Saturdays, they watch sports on TV, they talk about the work they want to have done on their houses or about nothing at all. We have the most unimpressive conversations, Connolly says. You wouldnt believe how unimpressive. And DiCaprio? Hes Uncle Leo when hes in the neighborhood, and if that designation sounds inherently ridiculous, well, goodits what he ghts for, because it means freedom. People are always like, It must be so hard for you, not to be able to leave your house, DiCaprio says. Im like, No, I go where I want and do whatever I want all the time. No, you walk down the street? Yeah, I do all the time. Really? Yeah, all the time. You have the feeling that they want to protect you from what they

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imagine your life to be like. But what is his life like? Nobody knows, and when you tell him that nobody knows, he says, Really? HuhI thought it was the exact opposite. He has done his best to let us see him only in the dark, and as a result he appears to live his life at the extremities he appears to live a life at once impossibly large and impossibly small. It is easy to miss him, easy to look at him and see a boy growing older without having to grow up. It is harder to see what his friends have the opportunity to see: a man, unusual only for the degree of his talent and the extent of his fame. They see a loyal and generous frienda member of their weddings, a guy who served as a pallbearer at the funeral of Kevin Connollys mother and who gave Kate Winslet away when she was recently married. They see a guy who happens to win most of the time but who has lost occasionally, with predictable results. Asked if Leo has ever been heartbroken, Connolly says, Absolutelybig time. He has been 100 percent heartbroken by a girl. But they also see, by consensus, a guy ercely protective of his privacy, whose privacy they are obliged to protect. That this is something of a ctionthat if Leo has been made vulnerable by fame, he has also been heavily armoredis invisible to them by dint of the roles that they themselves play. They are not only protective of their friend Leo; they would not be in his life if they were not. He exists at the center of a protective network of which his friends are a part. His friends are supposed to be the measure of his normalcy, says a Hollywood producer who has worked closely with him. But how normal is it for anyone to have the same friends he had when he was thirteen years old? Ask yourselfhow many of your friends from that time do you still hang around with? Things change. But for Leo, nothing ever really changes. A little while ago, he had to make a decision. It was a big one. He had to decide whether he wanted to star in Baz Luhrmanns Great Gatsby as Gatsby. Luhrmann had asked if he wanted to do it. It was a big, iconic roleAmericas Hamlet, is what Luhrmann calls itbut thats not why DiCaprio had to think it over. Originally, the project belonged to Sony and DiCaprio has his deal with Warner Brothers, but that wasnt the reason, either. Luhrmann had been on the phone with DiCaprio, and he knew that DiCaprio was cautious about playing Gatsby for a very specic reason: Gatsby is very good-looking. Luhrmann had been through this before with DiCaprio. He had been through it when he asked DiCaprio to play Romeo opposite Claire Daness Juliet. DiCaprio had made his name playing what were essentially character roles, and he understood that the glamour of Luhrmanns conception of Romeo would change his life. Hed been right. Now with Gatsby, he was looking at the same kind of decision. He had spent the decade and a half since making Titanic on the run from his beautiful face, from his compulsive movie-star charm, and from movies that required him to be attractive in order to work. Hed worked with Steven Spielberg, Ridley Scott, Christopher

Nolan, Clint Eastwood, and ve times with Martin Scorsese. He takes very seriously his responsibilities as a leading man. Theres so much more responsibility in being a lead, he says. Theres the arc of that character and how each of your decisions affects the story line. When I was in Gilbert Grape, I could spit spaghetti out and climb trees and make any noise I wanted, because Johnny had to move the story along, for the story to make sense. And now he was hesitant to be in another movie that to some degree was about his looks. . . . Getting Leonardo to make the decision to play Romeo when he was nineteen was high drama, Luhrmann says. He said, I wont do that again with Gatsby, and he did it again. It was the exact same thing. What turned DiCaprioconvinced himwas the book. Luhrmann gave him a rst edition, and DiCaprio says that he wound up reading it at least twenty times. He discovered a character who is this peasant who is unaccepted by the American aristocracy, DiCaprio says. He will never be them and he will never truly belong. He was not only attractiveGatsby had to be attractive in order to manipulate people, and he had to manipulate people to achieve what Luhrmann calls a noble causethe love of a single woman. And once DiCaprio saw that attractiveness was fundamental to any true characterization of Gatsby, he decided to take it on. He wound up giving a performance in which hes not hiding from the fact that he can be attractive onscreen, Luhrmann says. Leonardo took the immense leap of not fearing the natural charismatic ability that Gatsby requires and that in many of his movies Leonardo has been shy of. But rst he had to call Tobey Maguire and ask him if he wanted to play the role of Gatsbys only friend, Nick Carraway. N A C IT , IT L ABOUT The e biggest bigg bigg decision he ever made was not CAREFU really at all. It predated decision eally a decision d making. ma aki kin n It was something he remembered rather athe than th chose. It expressed itself as a wanting, want wa nti i and ultimately as a need. He wanted that, it became thisthe life he has now. hat, until unti u Its my rst memory, wanting to do It I t truly tr this, I went to a concert once when his, he says. s I was kid and ran up onstage, started wa a little li IS RAPHER dancing, d i started saying anything that came to PHOTOG my head. I was like a little vaudevillian. I did imitations of anyone who came to my parents house, and that was my identity at schoolif there were ten minutes to lunch and the teacher was done with the lesson, hed say, Okay, Leo, get up there and do something. His life became pretty simple after that. His rst choice determined many of the choices that followed. The Leonardo DiCaprio who ran wild after the success of Titanic could do anything he wanted, but for all we could see, he only had to decide two things: Which movie to make? Which model to date? He is an older man now, but not necessarily a more complicated one. He has many responsibilities, but they are almost exclusively the responsibilities of stardom. Indeed, the decision that he [continued on page 158]

A SOCIAL ANX

I E T Y.

O GOING T

GOING TO JUM
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MI O F T H I N GEA T UP

L K YO U R S E L F Y O U T R Y T O T A IT, BUT OUT OF

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WE LOVE ALISON BRIE. BECAUSE OF MAD MEN, BECAUSE OF COMMUNITY, BECAUSE... WELL, IT SHOULD BE COMPLETELY OBVIOUS. ALL WE WANTED TO KNOW WAS, WHAT DOES ALISON BRIE LOVE?
Photographs by Miko Lim
I N T E RV I EW E D BY CA L F U S S M A N

The Enthusiasms of Alison Brie

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Brie currently appears on the sixth season of Mad Men and the fourth season of Community. She also stars in The Kings of Summer, in theaters next month.

I LOVE...

. . . the number thirty-eight. Its so round. Its a voluptuous number. Eighty-eight has gone too far. Seeing my reflection in somebody elses sunglasses. Its a nice way to check in with yourself. How loud my mother laughs at her own jokes. Giraffes, because their bodies defy nature and embrace it at the same time. Getting a script in the mail from Mad Men. How there doesnt seem to be any alcoholics in Scotland, even though everybody drinks all day every day. My afternoons, because theyre always different. Going to bed early. If I can get eight hours . . . Going to bed watching The American President. Ive seen it so many times I can close my eyes and still know whats happening. The moment when Annette Bening has her date with the president lined up. Shes in her ofce. A guy is talking to her. Shes just kind of lost in space, tapping her pencil near a cup of pens. The guy says, Whats wrong? Got a big date tonight? She does a double take and knocks over the pens. Its my favorite comedic moment. It seems so unexpected. It doesnt seem calculated. You know she thought out that move. It was probably written in: Looks up, surprised. Knocks over pens. But it comes off so sincere. Trying to recall the details of my dreams when I rst wake up. My ability to say no to people now that Ive turned thirty. Movie theaters when theyre either supercrowded or totally empty. Your opinion is not inuenced by anyone when youre alone at a matinee. Its just you and the movie. And crowds at a premiere or at Sundance are a special treat. At Sundance, nobodys like, We didnt have anything to do tonight, so we came here. The romance in parks. Being on a blanket with the right person. You dont want to be on a blanket with just anyone. My agents, because they dont ever want me to do nudity. Butternut squash. Spaghetti squash. Kabocha squash. My real last name. But the mispronunciation of it is like nails on a chalkboard. It starts S-c-h, so everybody pronounces it as if it were Shermerhorn. But it should be pronounced like its Skermerhorn. Yoga. Its like my church. My sisters temper. It keeps me in check. Teahouses. Green tea as opposed to jasmine green, which is a little more owery. I like to taste that green. Aretha Franklinbut in the evening. Whistling, but Im terrible at it and embarrassed to do it in front of people. Strawberry Fields Forever. Its the rst song that I thought was so beautiful it brought me to tears. Frank Gore and the Niners. I didnt miss a game last season. Getting photos of my little nephew. They make me laugh in a way I never did before. Cupcakes. The smaller the better. You can taste different avors and not feel guilty. Living in the hills above Hollywood. The quiet gives you time to think. Popcorn. On the stove top, with a little olive oil. The Princess Bride. Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Holly Hunter. Shes got gumption. Coming home after I travel. Sex, because some of the most humorous things happen when youre naked with another person.
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The cast on Community and the way everyone moves the comedy. Theres nothing to love about auditions. Petting my cats fur. So soft, and how my cats love being pet. Money. Money means better meals at better places. Securing reservations. Darioush Winery in Napa. Duel is the wine the owner made with

his son, so its the two of them bringing their styles.


Running, because it never seems like a strenuous exercise and

always clears my head.


Organization. Omakase. That means the sushi chef just makes you whatever.

I love not having to make decisions.


Mrs. Carlson, my second-grade teacher at Mount Washington

Elementary. She had the most wonderful stories. She would travel around the world and come back and show us pictures. I remember this story about her being in Africa. This baby ostrich kicked her in the leg and almost broke it, and she showed us the giant bruise. She had us make corn tortillas from scratch. What a great second-grade class. I wonder if shes still teaching. Flowers. If youre a guy, you should get girls owers all the time. They never get old and you can never get them enough. Im never disappointed when I get owers. I always thought guys who dont buy women owers are such fools. All it takes is one. A little goes a long way with owers. Shorts. My clothing of choice. Theyre easy. But dont give me shorts without pockets. Working. It makes life much simpler.
Virgin America. Deep-tissue massages. I like to be in pain when Im getting

A WOMAN WE LOVE

massaged. That way I know Im getting my moneys worth.


Looking at my dad when were singing together around the

holidays.
About 80 percent of my day. Who doesnt love authenticity?

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PATRICK WISHES HE HADNT ORDERED THE LARGE COKE. BUT HE WAS TIRED AND

BY BENJAMIN PERCY

he doesnt drink coffee because it tastes like dirtand the large cup cost only ten cents more than the mediumso he thought, What the hell. But now he has to pee. And he has the window seat. And there is no way he can sneak past the two women sitting next to him without making them shut down their laptops, making them stand, making a big production, making everybody on the plane look up and stare at him and think, Oh, that kid has to pee. And they will be thinking thatthey will be thinking about him peeingwhen he locks himself into the chemical-smelling closet of a bathroom and struggles with his zipper and tries to maintain his balance, tries not to piss all over himself while turbulence shakes the plane. Just as he is about to touch his neighbor on the wrist, to tell her excuse me, hes sorry but he has to get up, someone two rows ahead of him, a man in a charcoal suit, rises from his seat.
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His face is pale and sweating. His body seems twitchy along the edges, almost as if he were humming, vibrating. His neatly combed hair is starting to come loose in gray strands that fall across his forehead. Patrick wonders if the turbulence is getting to him, if he is going to be sick. The man staggers down the aisle, yanks open the bathroom door, and slams it shut behind him. Patrick curses under his breath. Not only does he have to wait, but he has to wait for a puker. He turns around in his seat three times in as many minutes, checking the bathroom, willing the door to open. Each time he looks, there is another person standing in the aisle, their arms crossed, their faces pensive, waiting. He supposes he should join them. He unbuckles his seat belt and opens his mouthready to -

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nally excuse himself, to standwhen a ragged snarl comes from the back of the cabin. It is hard to place, with the shout of the engines, the chatter of so many voices. Patrick wonders if there is something wrong with the plane. He remembers seeing a news report about how so many planes are behind on their maintenance schedules and shouldnt be in the air at all. Maybe the turbulence has shaken loose the screws holding the tail in place. There is a growl, a long drawn-out guttural rumbling, and though it is hard to place, it seems more animal than machine. The cabin is now hushed except for the creaking of seats as people turn around with anxious expressions. The bathroom door crashes open. A bald man in a Rose Bowl sweatshirt is the rst in lineand so is he the rst to die. The door jars him back. He would have fallen except for the narrow aisle where he stands, the planes wall catch-

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ing him and preventing any further retreat as the thing emerges from the restroom, rushing forward like a gray wraith, a blurred mass of hair and muscle and claws. It swings an arm. The bald mans scream is cut short, his throat excised and replaced by a second red mouth that he brings his hands to, as if he could hold the blood in place. But it sprays between his ngers. As if to make up for his sudden silence, the rest of the plane begins to scream, all of their voices coming together like a siren that rises and falls. The thing begins to move up the aisle. The lycan moves so quickly it is difcult to make sense of it to secure an image of itexcept that it looks like a man, only covered in a gray downy hair, like the hair of the possum. Teeth ash. Foam rips from a seat cushion like a strip of fat. Blood splatters, decorating the porthole windows, dripping from the ceiling. It is sometimes on all fours and sometimes balanced on its hind legs. Its back is hunched. Its face is pronounced by a blunt snout that ashes teeth as long and sharp as bony ngers, a skeletons st of a smile. And its handsoversized and pouched and decorated with long nailsare greedily outstretched and slashing the air. A womans face tears away like a mask. Ropes of intestine are yanked out of a belly. A neck is chewed through in a terrible kiss. A little boy is snatched up and thrown against the wall, his screams silenced. The plane is shuddering. The pilot is yelling something over the intercom but his voice is lost to the screams that ll the cabin. Some people are weeping. Some are praying. Some are climbing out of their seats, pushing their way up the aisle, where they bang at the cockpit door, slam their sts and feet and shoulders up against it, desperate to get in, to get away from the terror working its way toward them.
C H A S E R E M E M B E R S T H E F I R S T T I M E H E TA L K E D

to Augustus. Seventh grade, Obsidian Junior High, after gym class, he walks into the locker room. Showers sizzle. Steam lls the air. Boys are scrubbing their armpits with soap or toweling off in front of their open lockers. He spins his combo and pauses before yanking the lockbecause of the voices he hears, jeering, laughing like jackals. Three boysstill in their shorts and tank topsstand outside a toilet stall and kick at the door hard enough to dent the thin sheet metal. Come on, they say. Come out and show us your pussy. Another kick and the door jars open. Chase recognizes the kid inside. Theyre in the same section of math, and the other day, in line at the cafeteria, a girl turned to the kid, who had accidentally rubbed up against her, and said, Dont touch me. You havent even gone through puberty yet. He wears small glasses on a head too big for his body. His hair is the wispy blond of corn silk. His arms and legs are stumpy, his torso round. All of this giving him the appearance of an enormous baby. The same cant be said of Chase, who feels so much younger is b than his body. A few years ago his bones began to ache and he developed veloped a vicious hunger, gobbling up six eggs for breakfast, a whole pizza pi for dinner, sucking down ve gallons of milk every week. H He studied himself often in the mirror, as his limbs stretched to match his oversized feet, his hands, what his mother c ca ll l lled led d puppy pupp paws. He started rubbing himself off in fth grade, called sh shaving hav avin ing g in sixth s grade with his fathers razor and Barbasol. He is s taller tal alle lle ler than than most of his teachers and plays forward on the varsi sit it ty y basketball basketb team. sity H es not a good guyhe knows that has nothing to do with what Hes hap pp pens next. pe nex But most of his trespasses have to do with pleahappens

sure, seeking it out, the buzz of a beer, the way a blowjob makes his whole body feel like a tingly nerve ending. Hes not a bad guy eitherhe has a certain sense of righteousness motivated now by these three punks getting off on ganging up on somebody weaker than them. From what Chase gathers, as he moves toward them, the kid has been camping out in the toilet stall after gym, skipping his shower, changing where no one can observe him. Chase comes up behind them. Without pause he kicks one of the boys square in the ass and sends him keeling into the wall striking it with a wet thud, crumpling into a mewling ball. Chase cracks together the skulls of the other two boys and then shoves them headrst into the nearby urinals. He holds them there for a good ve seconds, mashing their mouths into the deodorant pucks. Then he slams the ush bars and leaves them sputtering. The kid has gathered up his clothes. His face is impassiveand his glasses have fogged over, hiding his eyes. Neither of them says anything. Not until the next day, after algebra, when the kid introduces himself as Augustus and asks what he can do for Chase. You dont owe me nothing. The rest of the class is ling out of the room, glancing at the strange pair, Augustus standing with his arms crossed and Chase sitting with his legs sprawled out, their height about equal. I disagree, the kid says. And maybe you will as well when you hear my proposal. The precision of the kids wordsthe condent purse of his mouththe white short-sleeve shirt, like something an accountant would wear in the summer. Im not stupid. And Im not looking for help. Chase is less angered than amused. My grades are ne. You have obligations I do not: sports and socializing. Homework gets in the way of these, yes? If you feel like completing your assignments on your own, great. But if on occasion you have an away game or datethen you will hand the work off to me and I will happily oblige. And for this I kick anybodys ass who messes with you? A curt nod. Tit for tat. A contract they have more or less honored the past thirty years.

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CHASE HAS NEVER CALLED AUGUSTUS BY HIS NAME.

It was a mouthful, and obnoxious, the name of some old poet who liked to write about the pansies growing in his garden. The kid. Thats what Chase called himuntil they enrolled at University of Oregon, when the kid took Chase aside during orientation and said he would rather not be called that anymore. Why not? It implies a lack of strength. Then what the hell am I supposed to call you? My name. Out of the question. He settled on Buffalo. For the enormous head, too big for any hat, that seems to grow directly out of his sloped shoulders. Chase nicknames everyone he meets. His administrative assistant, Moneypenny. His legal counsel, No Fun. The head of his security detail, Shrek, for his bald head, jutting forehead, his barrel of a torso balanced on tiny legs. Even the people he doesnt know, he nds a way to name thema bartender is honey or sugar, a valet or groundskeeper is buddy or friend. Its his way of making people come a little closer, look him in the eye and smile. Sweetheart is what he calls the woman working the front desk at the Kazumi Day Spa. He recognizes her from the teahouse. The wrinkled face and squat body and silvery hair pulled back into a bun stabbed through with chopsticks. A potted bamboo sits in the corner. A scroll bearing a string of Japanese characters hangs behind her. She doesnt smile at him, but lifts her arm, gesturing to a dark hallway and says, with a heavy accent, Last door on the left. The spa is in southwest Salemnot too far from the teahouse a nondescript windowless brick building tucked between a pawnshop and a moneylender, the street busy with rusted-out cars missing their mufers. In a back room, the recessed lighting gives off a dim orange glow. Music tremblespiped in through the overhead speakerssomething acoustic, what Chase recognizes as the same instrument played at the teahouse, the koto, the plucked strings

making him think of spiders legs dancing across a web. In the center of the room waits the massage table and against the wall squats a glass-doored, marbled-topped bureau, full of white downy towels, bottles of oil and lotion. On top of it, a plug-in fountain, water gurgling over colored stones. Buffalo used to tell him not to come here. For a long time, his principal duty, as chief of staff, seemed to be telling Chase what not to do. Do not bad-mouth Weyerhaeuser. Do not get intoxicated at black-tie fundraisers. Do not punch Ron Wyden. Do not tell The Oregonian that you think Nancy Pelosi is hot. The attacks changed everything. You realize, Buffalo said, more than a month ago, when the planes came down, that this is the best thing that could have possibly happened? He and Buffalo were sitting in wing-backed oxblood leather chairs, watching the at-screen, ipping back and forth between CNN and Fox News. Same footage, different talking heads. Outside Denver, the wreckage smoldered in a wheat eld. At PDX and Logan International, the planes were parked on the tarmac like giant white cofns. A reporter interviewed a woman wearing a Looney Tunes sweatshirt and purple leggings. The tape at the bottom of the screen identied her as a family member of one of the passengers. Its the most horrible thing in the world, she said, roughing away her tears with the remains of a tissue. And its happening right here. Buffalo stood then and tucked his hands in the pockets of his sport coat and walked over to the window, the gray light coming through the water-spotted glass. One way of looking at it is this, Buffalo said. As a tragedy. He turned to Chase and removed a hand from his pocket and pointed it like a gun. Here is another. It is a game changer. Buffalo was the one who approached Chase about running for governorand now, for the rst time, Chase can see it in his trembling mouth, Buffalo seems to believe in the possibility of reelection. We need to get you behind a microphone by this evening, ideally with that plane in the background. Speak from the heart. Just make sure your heart is more furious than mournful. On the television, another shot of the aming wreckage. Buffalos glasses catch the shimmering orange light and the lenses glow like twin suns. People are ready for fury. Fury is what Chase gave them, two hours later, outside the open hangar that now housed the plane, rain wetting his face, a crowd of reporters gathered around him. What do I think? he said to them. I think its time to tighten the leash, roll up a newspaper, say bad dog.
AT T H E DAY S PA , I N T H E BAC K RO O M , A D I G I TA L

thermostat on the wall reveals the temperature to be 75 degrees, warm enough to make Chase eager to kick off his boots, peel off his clothes, pile them in a heap in the corner. Jeans and a denim shirt. Corduroy jacket. Belt with a Buck knife holstered to it. Silver six-inch blade. A birthday present from his father when he turned sixteen. He carried it in the Lycan Republic and doesnt go anywhere without it now. He retired as a colonel and across his naked shoulder, like a bruise, he carries the faded ink of the anchor-and-eagle tattoo. He palms a condom from his pocket. A white towel hangs from a hook. He ties it around his middle. The light is such that his shadow hardly seems to exist, oozing faintly across the oor, and then the massage table. He climbs up and settles his face into the cushioned groove. He hears the knob rattle, the door click closed, the footsteps

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whisper across the carpet. Her name is Choko. They visit for an hour every few weeks. Sometimes he lets her dampen his back with oil, rub the poison out of his musclesand sometimes he does not. Sometimes he asks her to ip him over. Sometimes she takes him in her mouth or her hand. And sometimes she climbs onto the table with him. Hey, you, he says and raises his head to peer at the woman standing a few feet away. She wears a red kimono with a black dragon stitched into it. Long hair down to her elbows framing a face as triangular as a hatchet. She smiles. The fountain gurgles. He lets his head drop into the groove again. Give me a little rub, will you? Im knotted up. He feels a hungry anticipation. The blood pools in his center. His erection presses uncomfortably against the table. He hears her clothes drop. He hears her breathing heavily, almost panting. Hey, what kind of a partys going on without me? He is smiling when he rises up on his elbow. The pressure of the table has made his vision muddy. At rst he believes this is why her nude form seems to shift, to bulge and bend, like a reection seen on the body of a passing car. And then he blinks hard and observes

Her posture is hunched and her breasts dangle pendulously and her arms rake the air and her face is nearly impossible to decipher beneath all that hair. She makes a noise that sounds like a guttural string of words. His skin goes tight. She begins to climb over the table, toward him, one arm and then the other. He tries to run and nearly topples, his feet sliding across the stones. He is nearly to the clothes when she leaps and knocks him to the oor. For a moment they might be lovers, a tangle of limbs, breathing heavily. She is faster than him but he is stronger. He loops an arm around her throat and drags them back against the wall. Her body bucks against his but he holds her in place. She wears his arm like a necklace. He is choking her and she claws at him, tearing away ribbons of skin from his forearm, his thighs, his ribs, wherever she can reach, while he sets his jaw against the pain and uses his free arm to seek out the knife, yanking his belt from the pile of clothes, fumbling with the leather casing. Finally he withdraws it and thumbs open the blade. In its silvery ash he catches a glimpse of his eyes, wide with fright.

SHE DOESNT REASSUME HER HUMAN FORM. NOT LIKE IN THE


between blinks the contorted posture, the lengthening teeth, the black hair bristling like quills from her skin. He feels a hole in his stomach like he used to get when small-arm re popped in the near distance, when tracer rounds streaked through the night like blood-red comets. Her voice is guttural when she says, I have a message from the Resistance. Before he can slide off the table, she has his legsnatching it upher claws and then her teeth sinking into his calf. He kicks at her and she falls with a mouth full of blood. His blood. He doesnt take the time to examine the wound, to recognize what this means, infection. She growls. It is a bestial sound. He can feel it. Feel it in his bones like when bass pours from a too-loud stereo. He has never been more vulnerable, naked and unarmed, bleeding. He doesnt feel any pain, not yet. Only the warmth of blood running along his leg, its tackiness underfoot when he stumbles back, looking for a weapon, something to swing. The bureau jars against his spine, preventing any further retreat. The mist from the fountain licks his back. He yanks its cord from the outlet and scoops it up and hurls it at the lycan. Its stones are like a brightly colored hail rattling the oor. The bowl arcs toward her and she puts out her arms to catch it and it thuds against her chest and the water dampens her hair and makes it appear a rippling shadow. She is on one side of the massage tablethe padding torn through in yellow slashesand he is on the other. He needs to , on the opposite get to the pile of clothes, the knife nested in it, side of the room. He can smell her. He would recognize that where, the smell of a lycan. Like an unwashed crotch. smell anywhere, dly set off by their hyperstimulated pituitary gland. Supposedly The Infected ted was adapted from Benjamin Percys new novel, Red Moon, which is being published this month. Then he draws the knife toward them in an arc. The woman no, the lycan, the thingtries to block the blade, swatting and tearing at him, but her strength is fading and after a few wild swings he sneaks the knife to her chest, where it catches against a riband grinds its way inside her. What would have been a growl, against the pressure of his choke hold, escapes as a plaintive mewl. He stabs her again and again, so many timesknife, knife, knifefar more than necessary, her body limp in his lap. She doesnt reassume her human form. Not like in the fairy tales. She dies a beast and a beast she remains. He feels faint. The room seems so cold and her body so warm. He tries not to look at his ruined arm when he retrieves the towel from the oor and makes a tourniquet of it. Roses of blood bloom immediately through the cotton. There are no windows. There is only one way out. And only one way in. It takes him a while, but he drags the bureau against the door. He remembers how severely the old woman stared at him, and he knows Choko is not acting alone. He needs help. His hand is trembling and slick with blood but somehow he manages to retrieve the handheld from his jacket pocket. Four men, all wearing tracksuits, pick up Augustus in a black Chevy Suburban and drive at a perilous speed to the Kazumi Day Spa, honking their way through red lights, screeching their way around corners. Its an unlisted address, , but Augustus knows the way and directs them hem from the backseattelling them to hurry, goddammit, hurryeven as he leans into a turn and braces an arm against the window to keep his balance. They nd the front door locked and use a metal battering ram to splinter it from its hinges. One man remains posted at the entrance while the others, their Glocks unholstered, charge inside. They give the all clear and Augustus walks into the dim entryway. The lights are off, the hallways and rooms emptyexcept for one barricaded door. They shove at it and a crac crack ck of o orange

122 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

ESQUIRE ESQU ES QUIR QU IR R E FICTION F I CT FI C T IO ION

light appears and only then does Augustus tell them Stop. The men step away and wait for him to tell them what to do. Stay here, he says and shoulders past them and puts all of his weight against the door until the bureau slides away and allows him entrance. He hurries the door closed before the men can spot Chase, curled up on the oordizzy and naked and shivering from blood loss, but alive. There is blood smeared across the wall and soaked into the carpet that squelches underfoot. Im here, Augustus says, not daring to touch his friend, not knowing how long the disease can live once exposed to the air. He toes the slumped body of the transformed lycan. Her hair, tacky with blood, has the look of seaweed plastered across the beach at low tide. Bitch, he says, you really fucked things up. The governor attacked in a whorehouse. Half-dead and likely infected. His political career nished. Augustus brings back his foot and considers kicking her face but doesnt, not wanting to dirty his shoe. Instead he covers her body with towels so that the others wont see her. Red splotches soak through immediately. He pulls

Chase is wearing a pair of gray sweatpants and nothing else except for the bandages that patch his arm and torso. He dips up and down, his face red and wet with sweat. You get bit by a rabid dog, you get rabiesisnt that the gist of it? Not exactly. Saliva isnt enoughthank Godor every sneeze on a subway would infect a dozen people. The spoon clicks against the bowl and then his teeth. Were fortunate that lobos is more like HIV, a blood-borne contagion. A bite doesnt guarantee infection, but its quite possible. A lycans gums bleed after they transform, and its a great way for the prion to propagate itself. Im fucked. If by that you mean Am I infected? Yes, I think we can assume as much. But if by that you mean Am I nished as a politician? Not necessarily. Three people know what happened in that room. One of them is dead.
C H A S E A P P E A R S I N T H E S TAT E H O US E R O T U N DA

in dress uniformpeaked cap, midnight-blue jacket with red trim and a standing collar. Behind him, when he tromps down the marble stairs, follow members of the Oregon National Guard. He

FAIRY TALES. SHE DIES A BEAST AND A BEAST SHE REMAINS.


a terry-cloth robe off a hook and tucks it around Chase. There is only one choice. He opens the door and tells the men to get a makeshift stretcher for Chase, and then, once they get him to the car, Burn the place. Burn it to the ground.
B U F FA L O S L I V I NG R O O M B E C O M E S A M A K E S H I F T

hospital. Chase can hear him, dimly. Its a comforting sound. Like when, as a child, on long car trips, he would intermittently wake to the murmur of his parents talking in the front seat. He strains his neck to observe his friend pacing back and forth with his handheld pressed against his ear. His voice is panicked, hurried. Chase wants to tell him to take it easy, but then the darkness of sleep once again overtakes him. An air mattress replaces the bloodstained tarp. He smears disinfectant and changes bandages. He draws a warm bath and seasons it with alcohol and tincture of iodine. He buys OxyContin off one of his neighbors, a doctor and campaign donor, and dopes away the pain with 160 mg doses. He serves Chase Gatorade to get his electrolytes up, brings him platters of eggs and toast when he has an appetite. All the while Augustus wears a mask, goggles, and latex gloves. Every day he disposes of the black plastic garbage bag that grows big bellied with soiled bandages and washcloths and latex gloves he peels off as carefully as if they were a diseased condom. He tells the staff, the reporters, that Chase is at a strategy retreat. When they ask if the rumors are true, if he has taken ill, Augustus laughs and says, Hes, as always, the picture of health. The dinette runs up against the living room and Augustus sits at the table, spooning into a bowl of cottage cheese, while Chase weakly attempts to exercise. For the past few weeks he has done nothing but sleep and stumble back and forth to the bathroom. He needs to get the blood owing again, he says, or he might rot away into a husk. You understand the way this works, I assume? Augustus says.

approaches the podium, its front adorned with the Oregon seal, and pauses there as the soldiers perform a traditional march. Their swords slash the air and their boots thud the stone oor and make the air tremble. They come to a stop beneath a massive American ag suspended between two pillars. Chase snaps off a salute and removes his hat to set on the podium. Thank you, he says, rst to the guardsmen and then to the reporters who sit in folding chairs twenty rows deep. Their cameras ash and create a strobelike effect that blinds him. For three weeks he has not made a public appearance. After appearing everywhere, he was suddenly nowhere, and the media took note. The press conference is Buffalos idea: a show of strength and a bold declaration that will distract from the gossip of his sudden absence. Despite his rigid posture, despite his small smile, Chase does not feel well. He doesnt feel like himselfmaybe thats a better way to put it. He is a man divided, host to a pathogen that can overtake him at any moment. Sometimes his heart races and his breath comes in hurried pants. His muscles ache. His toothbrush pulls away from his mouth bloody. He rakes a hand through his hair and nds it wet with sweat. He can smell himself, his armpits and crotch damp musky pockets. His consciousness sometimes feels as though it has short-circuited, whirling with lights, through which dart, alternately, the silhouette of a man, and then a wolf. The reporters lower their cameras and the white haze of his vision solidies. I stand here a proud, humble Oregon boy. He pauses and cocks his head, at rst wondering what he hears, realizing it is their pens scratching across paper, like the noise of hundreds of insects chewing something brous. Chase clears his throat. My family has lived in this state for three generations. My great-grandfather laid roads in eastern Oregon. My grandfather designed the lumber mill that was for so many years the industrial heart of Old [continued on page 157]

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123

O T N E T S I L O T W HO

LITE L E T A S D N A Y TIF W I T H S P OO ALL E W , A R D N D PA T TO E H G L RADIO ANE A C I S U L I V I N A MA K I N G . H E R E W I T H , NM OF OUR OW N I T Y TO . U T R O P P O R U YO BREAK OUT

F E AT U R I N G :

SONGS A MAN SHOULD HEAR. A GUIDE TO MUSIC SERVICES. THE STATE OF LISTENING TO MUSIC.

ALSO: TECHNOLOGY! (WHAT, YOU DONT SEE THE HEADPHONES? THEYRE RIGHT OVER THERE.)

124 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

SONGS EVERY MAN SHOULD LISTEN TO


BY ANDY LANGER

BURIED ALIVE,
YEAH YEAH YEAHS

Even though the main event is a battle between an angular guitar and a spacey Gorillaz-like groove, things get particularly freaky with a verse-long revival of Kool Keiths assumed-dead extraterrestrial gynecologist alter ego, Dr. Octagon. Turns out he was missed.

TOO MUCH,
KENDRICK SCOTT ORACLE Scott trans-

forms a six-minute Sufjan Stevens cover into a windy road map toward a new jazz.

I FEEL A SIN COMIN ON, PISTOL


ANNIES Miranda Lambert, Ashley Monroe, and Angaleena Presley join voices to plead not for the grace of resistance but for permission: Please, Jesus, dont hold me back.

MORE ON THIS WOMAN, PAGE 18.

W I T H YO U R H OST E S S

NINA AGDAL

WRAITH, PEACE
AGDAL PHOTOGRAPHED BY DEREK KETTELA ILLUSTRATIONS BY MARION HUGO

Because the last time a few brothers delivered a debut as singularly cocksure and scuzzy, it was Kings of Leon.
125

TEN TO HOW TO LIS BETTER MUSIC

TECH!
There is no tech here. Sorry.

LOW LIGHT BUDDY OF MINE, IRON AND


WINE If Ornette Coleman slowed Rushs Tom Sawyer to a crawl? This.

MAMAS BABY, DADDYS MAYBE,


SWAMP DOGG Until now, vinyl scavengers placed a premium on Total Destruction to Your Mind, this R&B eccentrics 1970 debut, because it somehow hadnt made the transition to CD, let alone iTunes. With a belated reissue, its as endearing and enduring as advertised, but mostly these paternity-test blues are simply hilarious.

THE WORMHOLE: How Andy Langer makes a playlist

Phoenix

ENTERTAINMENT,
PHOENIX Maybe its just

our French, but we suspect that whats gone largely unnoticed about this booming anthem is that it hinges on a wordless chorusa rare songwriting device that matches the songs most memorable section to a bit of unintelligible lyrical blather. And whatever you sing to it cant be wrong we love any song for that.

Step, Vampire Weekend (2013) Contains a Modest Mouse reference.

Bukowski, Modest Mouse (2004) Contains a Charles Bukowski reference.

MANTRA, DAVE
GROHL, JOSHUA HOMME, AND TRENT

REZNOR Signicantly trippier but no less melodic than the average Foo Fighters tune, this al-

most-eight-minute sprawler from Grohls Sound City documentary sounds like the blueprint for his next

THE WALKER, FITZ AND THE TANTRUMS


On this R&B-laced singalong, the stanky twentytwo-second horn breakdown sounds like an outtake from Check Your Head or Ill Communication.

Franks Wild Years, Tom Waits (1983) A Bukowskiinspired monologue thats ostensibly about how its the little

GET THAT RHYTHM RIGHT !!!


If the goal of modern electro-pop is to slam as many beats per minute into as small a space as possible, this represents a spacious alternative, its power stemming from restraint. Picture an Ohio Players 45 spun at 33 rpm. Note: Youll need to adjust your dancing: This is designed for a rotating neck sway, not a full-on arm flail.

126 E S Q U I R E

Not pictured: Nina lip-synching to some of the music in this section. Scan here with Netpage to watch the video.

SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS

THE DAY

D E I D C I S U M E H T ME)
(FOR

O T I R U C R U C D I V BY DA

NEW MUSIC AND I broke up March 2, 1998. I just prison colony maybe. Watch the videos Fatty Boom Boom or I wasnt feeling it anymore and thought it best we went Fink U Freeky and youll be asking for your mommy, especially if our separate ways. And it could be the feeling was Bon Iver is your normal cup of tea. mutual, because thats the very day I started to confront my musiNow, just because I dont have ears for new music doesnt mean cal mortality, to face the death of my own personal cool. Who would that I dont love the Spotify. I have every album ever made (except I become if I wasnt aware of Youth Lagoon or Vampire Weekend? for the Beatles and AC/DCs, which arent available), every new Or was that Youth Weekend at Vampire Lagoon? I, like any healthy release, every new single anywhere I go. I swear Ill never buy anteenager, am partial to music that makes me want to vandalize your other song from iTunes ever again. Its the perfect way for me to home, but for some damn reason I nd the stuff thats popular right listen to some new stuff and forget it immediately. One of my new now makes me lactate. And the reality is I couldnt name any of the favorites is Gary Clark Jr., who is a fantastic singer/guitar player from bands at the Grammys, and I know only a very small handful of bands Texas. Full of soul and blues, he sounds just like . . . wait a minute, named in these very pages. There was a time when it was important he sounds a lot like . . . Stevie Ray mixed with Albert Collins maybe. to know who was who; it was like having a cool badge. The more ob- Why dont I just punch up the originals? Ill set my radio to Gary scure your musical references, the more youd have people believe Clark Jr., and usually its pretty good until I hit a band like Grizzly in your shamanic powers. The spirit world must be Bear, and then I want to kill Grizzly Bear. Its all so dehappy with usheres the latest Sigur Rs record; its rivative of older music. I can usually name the original not out for another two weeks. band the new band is copying and the song thats being Whats going on? Music today is an overmarketed, ripped off. Why wouldnt I just listen to the original? autotuned, asexual bunch of skinny jeans raised on BarIm just amazed at how abundant older music is on the ney and American Idol. That particular combo doesnt Spotify. Can you believe the entire Frank Zappa cataspell danger, deance, demonic possession, and devilog is there? I cant nd two minutes away from that ant sex, the essential ingredients of a good rock song. material to discover new stuff . . . except for Die AntIt seems that for the rst time in history, parents and woord. Man, Im strangely attracted to the tiny blond their kids are enjoying the same music at the same time. woman in the groupher murderface, her black conHMMM... Whatever happened to the good ol days when teenagtacts covering the whites of her eyes, her little mouse ers would commit suicide and their parents would blame the band? voice singing Yo fuck the system. My system pumps off its fuckin Whatever happened to the utter disgust your parents would have for face, her maniac partner, with some of the worst tattoos imaginthe shit blasting through your bedroom door when you were a teen- able, ailing behind like a sex offender on crack. ager? Isnt that the way its supposed to be? I have to get away from Die Antwoord. The band scares me, in a Lets take a band I was told is important this year: the Lumineers. very alluring way. As music its crap, actually, but it certainly is danWhat would interest me in a chanting jug-band jamboree trio? Their gerous. Wasnt good rock n roll always scary and dangerous? Does suspenders and unusual hats? How am I supposed to feel when I everything become antiseptic over time? Will Marilyn Manson soon listen to that music? Why the hell would I wander into the forest of become his own late-night infomercial? I am so confused. I think I new music when I know I might run into that helpless, whining crit- may be going through the stages of grief. (Is horny one of the stages?) ter? I might have to feed it. But Id rather feed it to Die Antwoord and Need a shot of Welcome to the Jungle. There, thats better. You see the blood rolling down its chin. Good God, now thats a newish know, the depressing thing is that even when I travel to Los Angroup that I can get behind. This South African rap/rave trio makes geles on business, I stay at a hotel where aging rock stars go to be prison rape look like something not to be missed. Its presentation is comfortable, and I happen to love it, okay? On any given weekend, just terrifyingdangerous and riveting and alivejust what music Ill run into an old favorite at the bar or pool. Hey, look, theres Neal should feel like. Its as if the groups from another planet, an alien Schon from Journey having some toast. Hey, isnt that Joe Perry from

TEN TO HOW TO LIS BETTER MUSIC


Aerosmith heading to the spa in his robe? Excuse me, Mr. Walsh, you dropped your pillbox. I may be in a vegetative musical state, but at least Im warm and comfortable. So please, keep your pseudo-post-punk intellectual folk band with your unusual eyewear, beards, hats, and that, that, that Gotye. You can Mumford your Sons for all I care, my friend. And why did you name your band Fun.? Your music isnt fun; it makes

me want to beat you up. They say the last stage of grief is acceptance, and I can accept this fact: Ive been a man in search of music, and the music that I love is mostly gone, long since neutered and tamed. All the same, Ill slip on my slippers, pour a ne single-malt Scotch, and relax with Evil Boy (Fuck You in the Face Mix), by Die Antwoord. And Ill rejoice, secure in the knowledge that music is music, danger is danger, and those two things will always nd a way to go together, like a nice cold beer and an afternoon with your mom.

Chance the Rapper

show at the Brooklyn Bowl earlier this year (see interview, page 21) shows how powerful and memorable a simple collaboration between legendsone rmly established, the other newly crownedcan be.

things that drive us crazy.

LET THE DAY BEGIN, BLACK REBEL


MOTORCYCLE CLUB

Perth, Bon Iver (2011) Heath Ledgers approach to the Joker in The Dark Knight was reportedly inspired by Tom Waits. This tune written by Justin Vernon after hanging with a friend of Ledgers at the time of his death was inspired by the actors passing and named for his birthplace.

A-Gonna Fall will always be the best song ever written about nuclear war, but this holocaust dirgepart of a concept record about a husband and wife who are separated but trying to reconnect before their certain deathsis almost as terrifying and at least 80 percent more sad.
Youth Lagoon

(contd)

THE WORMHOLE

career move. (The unlistenable remainder of the soundtrackaside from Sirvana, his Paul McCartneyNirvana collaborationsuggests he needs a Plan C more than we thought he did.)

to record 10 Day, his mixtape debut. At just nineteen years old, he sings and raps and has already mastered the toughest illusion in hip-hop: His ow seems improvised even when its not.

In 1989, the Call topped the charts with this muscular prayer for renewal. A little more than twenty years later, frontman Michael Been died of a heart attack at an overseas music festival while working as a soundman for his sons band, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. This is its tribute, loving and loud.

STOMPA, SERENA
RYDER If Adele covered Into the Groove? This.

MUTE, YOUTH LAGOON Three of the six


minutes of this song basically constitute a sprawling, ambient guitar solo so mesmerizing and hypnotic that nothing else matters, which is notable because Trevor Powers (aka Youth Lagoon) usually offers up heavily textured conceptual pieces about psychological dysphoria and metaphysics. This one could be equally deep, but its hard to tell.

JUICE, CHANCE
THE RAPPER As a Chicago high school student, Chancelor Bennett used a ten-day school suspension

TELL ME IF YOU STILL CARE,


DANGELO AND QUESTLOVE This performance

THE BEAUTY SURROUNDS,


HOUSES A Hard Rains

from a hastily planned

Elephant, Tame Impala (2012) Currently Perths biggest psychedelicrock export. Australias Rolling Stone Awards named the bands second album, Lonerism, 2012s Album of the Year, an award Tame Impala also won in 2010 for its debut album, InnerSpeaker.

BEST OF FRIENDS PALMA VIOLETS


What some music stores weve talked to call the Mumford effect is a little horrifying: Theyre selling only a fraction of the electric guitars they used to sell to kids, as they all want acoustics, banjos, and mandolins. If that makes you wince, this song will give you hope. Youll hear the trickle-down influence of U2, the Clash, and the Ramones, but mostly youll replicate the exhilarating rush of the first time you heard Welcome to the Jungle.

SOMETHING IN COMMON, DAWES


Dawess Taylor Goldsmith counts guys like Kris Kristofferson, Jackson Browne, and Warren Zevon as his heroes. They wrote wordy, but they were always the right words: conversational words, words that trigger

128 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

8TRACKS
Considering every service has some kind of playlist feature that apes Pandoras Music Genome Project, this ones got a pretty great tagline telling you what you need to know: 8tracks is Internet radio created by people, not algorithms. Compile eight tracks or more, add a title and cover art, and share. Free.

SPOTIFY
Spotify has perhaps done more to render your CD collection obsolete than any other service. But its what you dont own thats invaluable it doesnt cost you any more to check out a track from someone youve read about, heard on the radio, or a friend recommended, etc. A desktop version with ads is free. Ad-free is $4.99 a month and mobile- and home-device use is $9.99 a month.

You have no attachment to radio stations, but you value curation...

PANDORA
The granddaddy of streaming radio services. Enter a mood or a favorite band and it builds a station around your taste, powered by the geeky and occasionally spooky Music Genome Project, which applies musicological markers to music recommendations. Its almost impossible to start a station and not find a new band or five that are similar. Free, or ad-free for $36 a year.

TUNEIN
Lets you listen to 70,000 live terrestrial radio broadcasters and online stations, so theres an insane variety. A new feature promotes radio events, so if an artist you like is being interviewed or performing live on-air in Tucson but you live in Boston, youll be able to know and listen in. Free.

...And you want great sound quality...

NPR S FIRST LISTEN


A week or more before a major release hits the streets, First Listen typically has it. Free. Or...

But you dont want to visit 100 blogs...

Or...

MOG

Both Mog and Spotify put millions of songs at your fingertips. Mog streams at 320 kbpsa significantly better sound quality than that of its competitors. Free. Then $4.99 a month for unlimited ad-free online and $9.99 a month with mobile access.

F O S N A E M Y R E V O C DIS
YOU WANT INSTANT GRATIFICATION... YOU MISS ACTUAL MIXTAPES.. . YOU WANT TO FIND MUSIC SIMILAR TO WHAT YOU LOVE... YOU HAVE AN ATTACHMENT TO RADIO STATIONS... YOU CARE LESS ABOUT SERVICE THAN YOU DO ABOUT LISTENING TO EXTREMELY NEW MUSIC...
...And you want to ditch your CDs...

BY A N DY LANGER

SLACKER

See Pandora. And add an array of preprogramming by professional DJs. The fine tune option presents a slider that lets you request newer or older songs. Keeping it set to newer makes this one of the easiest discovery tools on the list. Free with ads and limited customization.

RDIO
Similar to Spotify but with a cleaner, more user-friendly interface. Fewer of your Facebook friends are sharing playlists on Rdio, but most of our Rdio-using friends keep their feeds unlocked, so you can see a complete history of what theyve listened touseful if you share similar tastes. Rdio also suggests high-profile users to follow, folks like Of Montreal and Questlove. Free for up to six months. Then $4.99 a month for Rdio Web, giving you unlimited listening from the Web. Rdio Unlimited is $9.99 a month, providing Web and mobile use.

SOUNDCLOUD THE HYPE MACHINE


Still the best of the online music aggregators, the Hype Machine pulls the music from blog posts, ranks it, and makes it listenable in one place. Free. This is the music player that powers most music blogs. Designed to be easily embedded in blogs and tweets and also on Facebook, SoundCloud isnt any more complicated than pressing the P L AY button. The sites E X P L O R E tab is a wormhole: Youll start somewhere and end up someplace completely differenttheres thousands of artist and label profiles, singles, rarities, live tracks, and themed compilations. Free.

LAST.FM
A radio service that determines what to play on the basis of the Scrobblera profile featuring details of what you listen to on Last.fm and on other bands you indicate you like on Facebook. You can scrobble your selections from sites like Spotify or the Hype Machine to Last.fm, which makes Last.fm smarter and more likely to mirror your tastes than it did before. Free.

GROOVESHARK
Once a giant and now an embattled underdog forced to fend against lawsuits, Grooveshark still has plenty of music, but its grown aggressive about finding and highlighting unsigned indie bands from around the country. Theres a lot here that iTunes, Spotify, and similar services simply havent found yet. Free.

TEN TO HOW TO LIS BETTER MUSIC

TECH!
Vinyl gives you the highest level of musical fidelity. And kitsch. For other sources and a system to play them on, turn to page 42. Pro-Ject Xtension 10 Evolution ($3,000; needledoctor.com).

HACIENDA MOTEL PICKWICK


Galen Disston is our favorite new soul singer since Raphael Saadiq. Over a groove that closes the gap between Spoon and the Commodores, hes authoritative but casual, even in falsettotraditionally the toughest way to sing and look cool at the same time.

teenage rap phenom Joey Bada$$who may not yet be, as he suggests, best rapper alive, but who is certainly one single closer.

universal emotion, words with two meanings. Goldsmith has yet to string em together quite like Freedoms just another word for nothing left to lose, but hes already our best throwback to the days when words mattered. Every last one of them in this ballad will gut you, including The way that she remembers me is not the way I really am. But Im hoping they got something in common.

DO YOURSELF A FAVER, JAMIE


LIDELL What everyone hoped the new Prince song would sound like.

UNORTHODOX,
JOEY BADA$$ The

thumpy boom-bap and lyrical scratching of your


Wavves

favorite old-school hiphop records? If he didnt invent it, DJ Premier perfected it. On this oneoff single, the man behind moments that helped transition Nas, Jay-Z, and Biggie from boys to men extends his hands to New Yorks preeminent

Youre Gonna Miss Me, The 13th Floor Elevators (1966) Theres a school of thought that crowns the 13th Floor Elevators led by Texas guitarist Roky Ericksonthe very first psychedelic rock band.

Shock Corridor, Lovestreams (2013) In January, Okkervil River mastermind Will Sheff announced a new recording project and offered

(contd)

THE WORMHOLE

RUMBLE AND SWAY,


JAMIE N COMMONS

Hip-hop producers rarely pivot well into rock n roll. (Chris Cornell must still rue the day he met Timbaland.) But Alex Da Kid, the guy behind Eminems Love the Way You Lie, B.o.Bs Airplanes, and hits from Nicki Minaj and Dr. Dre, makes the right move every time on Commonss U. S.-debut single. Fiery horns, glitchy guitars, nger snaps, and a scrappy piano add up to a promising debut for both parties.

AFRAID OF HEIGHTS, WAVVES


Weezer verses. Nirvana chorus.
130 E S Q U I R E

DONT PLAY WITH GUNS, THE BLACK


ANGELS An antigun message from Texas is

I T S G E T T I

O T R E D R A H D N NG HARDER A

G N O S A E LOV
BY TOM JUNOD

I AM A COLLECTOR. I am not on Spotify and only occasionally make use of Pandora. I disdain both. I am the listener Steve Jobs had in mind when, in 2007, he said that music subscription services were doomed to fail because people want to own their music. I like to own my music. I have arranged my iTunes library not in alphabetical but rather in archaeological orderby date of acquisition. I know the rst song I downloaded to my computer, three computers ago. I have been collecting music on my computer for ten years and can see not what I was listening to at crucial times in my life but rather what I was getting and grabbing and calling my own. Like all collectors, I regard my collection as nothing less than a creation, though I created none of it, and the achievement of a lifetime, though it required less effort than buying groceries. I am also somewhat embarrassed by it, because I know Jobs was wrong. My collection is already outmodednot by my taste (which is, of course, peerless), but by the taste of the technology that put it together. Music subscriptions will eventually replace music collections because the digital universe is oriented against the idea of ownershipbecause music ownership is itself the eight-track of the Internet. I always looked askance at Pandora and Spotify, regarding both as a passive means of experiencing music; they feed you music they presume you will like, and eventually you like it. I distrust them not because I distrust the songs they offer but rather their capacity to allow the listener to breathe an atmosphere of songs algorithmically and demographically decided upon. They represent the fulllment of the Internets interest in turning everything into background music. Compare the experience of listening to a song you love on Pandora with the experience of listening to the same song on iTunes shufe. One comes to you by means of a database, the other by means of historyyour own history with the song. You have had the opportunity to love it before you are put under the obligation to like or dislike it, with a virtual thumbs-up or thumbs-down, and that makes all the difference. It is the same song, playing from the same white earbuds or the same crappy speakers, and its eeting transit through your ears owes itself to the same impulse: the impulse to engineer a listening environment that will never be anything but congenial to your experience and attering to your taste. Whether you listen to music that you own or listen to music that, in some respect, owns you, the only thing certain in the digitized musical universe is that you will never be able to escape music that you like . . . and so the question that remains to be

IT DOESNT MATTER WHETHER THE SONG IS GOOD OR BAD, ONLY THAT IT LEADS TO ANOTHER.

asked goes beyond the music, beyond the merits of a particular song: Do you like listening to music that serves an encompassing demographic or music that allows you to maintain an illusion of individuality by serving a demographic of one? I collect songs because I want to control what Iwhat everybody within earshotlistens to. But I began ceding control as soon as I started putting the collection together: rst by agreeing to buy songs infected by the plague of DRM and later by uploading every song I pretended to own to the whimsical omnivorum of Apples iCloud. Indeed, I collect music on my computer only to have the collection defeat its own purpose. As it has grown inexorably, it has also grown inexorably less exclusive. The main difference between listening to music on a computer and listening to music on vinyl or disc is not sound quality or even portability; its that when you listen to music on a computer, you listen to music on the same instrument you use to acquire it. You think you wont be able to nd new music? Try stopping. Listening to a song generates not only pleasure, not only rapture, not only contemplation and awe, but also an appetite for another version (live or cover), a song from the same album, a song by the same band, a song by a different band that shares the same drummer. . . . It doesnt matter whether the song is good or bad, only that it leads to another. So yes, I am able to name the songs I rst downloaded and bought on my computer. I am also able to name the song thats stayed on my computer the longest without ever being playeda Doors cover by Thievery Corporation, which I downloaded in 2006. I own approximately four thousand songs just like it, songs collected and then unplayed, even in shufe. I have resisted the subscription services because I fear that a diet of songs I dont have to decide upon will in reality be a diet of songs I dont have to engage with, and that music will slip from foreground into background. I dont fear for myself as a collector so much as I fear for myself as a listener. But collecting musicowning and acquiring musicin the digital age degrades the listening experience in an entirely different way, fomenting restlessness and ultimately dissatisfaction, even while youre listening to songs you love. I love having virtually every song Ive ever had any feeling for on my computer and, of course, available on my devices. I love using those songs as the basis for nding new ones. But whether you listen to music by stream or purchase, whether you listen to songs on Spotify or Sirius, nding new music in the digital universe isnt the problem. Listening is.

TEN TO HOW TO LIS BETTER MUSIC

Lovestreams first song as a free MP3. In 2010, Sheff produced Ericksons comeback album, True Love Cast Out All Evil.

I Am a Laser, David Bowie and the Astronettes (1973) Shock Corridor refers to an Astronettes bootleg. The Astronettes were David Bowies mid-seventies backup singers, one of whom was Ava Cherry.

(contd)

THE WORMHOLE

Boy, obviously.

TECH!
Pick your speakers first, on the basis of your sound preferences and the type of music you like to listen to. For more tipsand more speakers turn to page 42. McIntosh XR100 ($10,000 per pair; mcintoshlabs.com).

Sound and Vision, Beck (2013) For a new Lincolnsponsored video project, Beck and a 160-piece ensemble team up for a 9:30 version of the Bowie classic.

notable, but its a red herring: The blitzkrieg guitars and fuzzed-out vocals suggest this is less about politics than it is about the Black Angels quest to hang on to its title as the most important psychedelic rock band of our time. It does.

HIGH SCHOOL LOVER, CAYUCAS


In one frantic swoop, this debunks an important supposed truth, namely, that Flea had ruined slap bass for us forever.

ment on Music Row: When they pick a next big thing, things move quickly. At twenty-four, this Texas expatriate landed an Academy of Country Music Award nomination for Female Vocalist of the Year before her debut album hit the shelves. And shes blocked out her summer to play stadiums with Kenny Chesney. Whether she pans out as a hit maker or not, the songs that wont be hitslike this one ought to keep interested those of us who expect better from country music.

heard from this Swiss-German womens duo focus on the hormonal rush of a relationships early stages. Before Facebook, it all started with seven little numbers.

YEAH YEAH, WILLY MOON Because any friend


of the Bo Diddley beat is a friend of ours.

LITTLE NUMBERS,
BOY The best songs weve

I MISS YOU,
KACEY MUSGRAVES

Dont Act Like Your Heart Isnt Hard, Portland Cello Project (2012) This is the genrebending Portlandbased cello collectives interpretation of the opening composition in Becks Song Reader, a collection of sheet music he hoped other musicians would record or perform.

AZAMANE TILIADE,
BOMBINO Hailing from

Theres a cartel agree-

STRICTLY RESERVED FOR YOU CHARLES BRADLEY


Homelessness. His brothers murder. A career spent impersonating James Brown, literally. Thats this late-blooming sixty-somethings backstory, documented in last years Soul of America, a film not dissimilar to and every bit as powerful as Searching for Sugar Man. Perseverance gives his voice unparalleled integrity, but on this slinky valentine he lets pure uncut lust do the driving.

the Tuareg Ifoghas tribe of nomads in Niger, this young guitarist and former desert herder plays desert blues sung in his native Tamashek. His playing features the tone of a young Mark Knoper and the energy of Gary Clark Jr. (See page 133.) Whats tagged world music these days rarely sounds this essential or accessible. Maybe this one does because the Black Keys Dan Auerbach produced it.

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FEATURING: GA RY C LAR KJ R. |

SHUFFLE.
A

NTER HAYES | WIZ KH | HU ALI S FA UM R |N T IN N E-Y A T O E | TH CO D N

STYLE PRESENTS
LD
S KID AR W

ESQUIRE

JUST. PRESS.
BY

FI TZ

ANDY LANGER

TURE LILLEGRAVEN

PHOTOGRAPHS BY

SOME WERE NOMINEES. SOME WERE PERFORMERS. AND SOME WERE JUST BANGING AROUND LOS ANGELES. THE DAY BEFORE THIS YEARS GRAMMY AWARDS, FOURTEEN MUSICIANS FROM ACROSS THE JUKEBOX SPECTRUM GATHERED IN ONE PLACE TO SHOW HOW A LITTLE VARIETYON YOUR PLAYLIST AND IN YOUR CLOSETCAN GO A LONG WAY.

WANT TO HEAR THESE GUYS SING?


SCAN THE FOLLOWING PAGES USING YOUR NETPAGE APP TO LISTEN TO MUSIC FROM EACH ARTIST.
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133

Linen-and-resin jacket ($998), cotton jeans ($298), and suede boots ($598) by John Varvatos; cotton T-shirt ($55) by Boss Orange; wool hat ($78) by Gents.

FOR THE UNINITIATED: When Eric Clapton tells you that youre the blues guitar player who makes him want to play again, youre probably on to something. After cutting his teeth as a teenage prodigy around Austins blues scene, Clark has emerged as rock n rolls preeminent guitar hero, an honor largely earned with blistering, moneymaker-shaking sets in front of huge festival crowds at Bonnaroo, Coachella, and the New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival. His debut album, last years Blak and Blu, is an impressive all-over-the-map fusion of R&B, hip-hop, neo-soul, and, yes, blues. Lots of blues. ON PLAYING FOR GIANT FESTIVAL CROWDS: Its humbling when people choose your stage. Its hot, its funky, but there they are, hanging and listening, caring about what youre doing. To think a weird idea I noodled on at the house has gone to something forty thousand people might hear at a festival is an indescribable feeling. As cool as I might try to be, I think, Oh, my God, this is real. THE PRESHOW RITUAL: Most of the time, we gather backstage and put on O. V. Wrights Ace of Spades. Its a badass southern soul tune. We dance around to it like idiots. Everybody gets loose. And sometimes its the Otis Redding album In Person at the Whisky a Go Go. Then we go.
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Two-button linen suit ($3,195) by Giorgio Armani; cotton shirt ($145) by Boss Orange; leather shoes ($460) by Fratelli Rossetti.

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AND THE

FOR THE UNINITIATED: Led by Michael Fitz Fitzpatrick, these R&B revivalists blend a love for classic Motown and Stax with bits of Hall & Oatesinspired pop. They turned a reputation for blistering Los Angeles club shows into a record deal and 2010s Pickin Up the Pieces, which yielded an instantly classic summer song, MoneyGrabber. The bands follow-up, More than Just a Dream, lands this month. FITZ ON THEIR SOUND: Theres just two markersit has to make you want to sing along before its over, and it has to make you want to dance. Those are the goals. Every time. ON THE STATE OF SOUL MUSIC: A lot of whats out there is not melodic; its rhythmic. Theyre creating hooks with rhythm and repetition, but a lot of times its the same note over and over. For us, its about strong melodies. Melody gives people a way in. It makes them want to be a part of the band, dancing in their living room or singing along in the car. Its at the core of every great pop song. ON FAME AND EVERYTHING AFTER: To have anyone give a shit enough to weigh in on what we do is pretty amazing. Good, bad, ugly, Ill take it. Before, I couldnt get anyone to care. Ive been in a lot of bands and played a lot of shitty shows for empty rooms. And I know these things come and go. One minute they love you, one moment they couldnt care less. I hope thats not true for us, but just in case I plan on enjoying every fucking moment. WHAT THEYRE LISTENING TO: Capital Cities, Patience Gets Us Nowhere Fast; the Airborne Toxic Event, Timeless.

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From left, on Joseph Karnes, bassist: Leather jacket ($2,675) by Paul Smith; cotton T-shirt ($78) by Diesel; cotton jeans ($98) by Levis; canvas boots ($598) by John Varvatos. On John Wicks, drummer: Cotton jacket ($595) by Boss; cotton jeans ($98) by Levis; leather boots ($875) by Esquivel. On Michael Fitz Fitzpatrick, lead singer: Leather jacket ($1,795) by Rag & Bone; cashmere sweater ($198) by Tommy Hilfiger; cotton trousers ($128) by All Saints; leather boots ($698) by John Varvatos. On Noelle Scaggs, vocalist: Sweater by Thakoon Addition; tank by Asos; shorts by All Saints; shoes by BCBG Max Azria. On Jeremy Ruzumna, keyboardist: Cotton peacoat ($1,398), cotton T-shirt ($148), cotton jeans ($298), leather boots ($898), and scarf ($228) by John Varvatos. On James King, saxophonist: Cotton jacket ($925) by Emporio Armani; cotton T-shirt ($85) by Boss Orange; cotton jeans ($98) by Levis; leather shoes ($550) by John Varvatos; hat by Goorin Bros.

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137

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Above: Leather jacket ($2,075) by Dolce & Gabbana; denim shirt ($760) by Dior Homme; cotton jeans ($90) by Kill City; sneakers by Converse. Above right and below: Leather sneakers ($325) by Rag & Bone.

FOR THE UNINITIATED: This twenty-one-yearold country phenom was nominated for Best New Artist at this years Grammys, but he aint really new. Hayes joined his first band at four and performed with Hank Williams Jr. and Charlie Daniels before graduating elementary school. For his selftitled major-label debut, he wrote or cowrote all the songs, served as coproducer, and played more than thirty instruments. The album spawned three massive countryradio hits, and hes logged more than two hundred dates a year on the road. ON GROWING UP COUNTRY: Every demo I do has a mandolin or resonator on itsome element of the bluegrass or classic country world that I grew up listening to and that first drew me in. And then I always try to find somewhere for a bluesy guitar sound, because thats also what I love. Musically, Im always finding my way home. ON PLAYING LIVE: The stage is my comfort zone, and playing live is what Ive always wanted to do. Its why I want to do two hundred dates a year. I wouldnt feel that way if I were nervous onstage. These days, we play a two-and-a-half-hour headlining show. We have a song with a twenty-minute outro on it. Things evolve and I love that. TELL US MORE ABOUT THAT: Country music busts the wall between performer and audience. Theres a connection because theres a vulnerability, a confessional quality, to so much of the songwriting. Those lyrics take you in. WHAT HES LISTENING TO: MercyMe, So Long Self ; Lori McKenna, Ladders and Parachutes.
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HUNTER HAYES

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FOR THE UNINITIATED: Typically photographed with a giant halo of smoke hovering overhead, Wiz Khalifa earned his reputation on the back of good old-fashioned hustle: Mixtapes and hard touring culminated in his blazing breakout track Black and Yellow. Late last year, he released O.N.I.F.C., which has already generated two hit singles, Work Hard, Play Hard and Remember You. ON HIS SOUND: Im about partying, so my songs are usually just about smoking weed and having fun. When somebody isnt having a great day, I like to be the guy that takes that load off your back. ON HIS BIG MOMENT: Performing with Snoop at Coachella [in 2012] was crazy. I grew up listening to Snoop and idolizing him. But not only did he bring me out that night, he brought out Dr. Dre and freakin hologram Tupac. To be in that sentence is pretty amazing. Pinch yourself? I had to slap myself. ON GETTING HIS: This is a serious job. Its why Im constantly at odds with friends and familythey dont understand why I go so hard, why I never stop. But I like learning new things. Right now, Im learning to sue people and get my money. After talking to people who work for Donald Trumpsmart, successful peopleIve realized I gotta go after all that. Thats what Im going to do that I didnt last year. WHAT HES LISTENING TO: Chief Keef, I Dont Like; Juicy J, Bandz a Make Her Dance.

Rayon shirt ($575) and wool trousers ($575) by Alexander Wang; leather boots ($339) by Vintage Shoe Company.

FOR THE UNINITIATED: He calls them his Four KingsMichael Jackson, Prince, Stevie Wonder, Sammy Davis Jr.and in this songwriter, Grammy-winning solo artist, dancer, and actor, their influence is easy to spot. His latest album, R.E.D., features perhaps the lushest valentine of his career, Let Me Love You. ON DANCING: Im not a natural. I had to teach myselfor be taughteverything I do. I just spent hours and hours in the mirror mimicking Michael Jackson. ON SAMMY ET AL.: I grew up in Las Vegas. My mom worked in pretty much every casino on the Strip. She brought home the Rat Pack stuff. Sammy was the only one that looked like me, so I naturally gravitated to him. Sammy made it cool to be black at a time when, lets just say it, it wasnt very cool to be black. His name was on the front of the building in lights, and he had to go in the back. But you never saw him sweat. ON THE BIG MOMENT: Early on, I was at a festival in Japaneighty thousand people. My first song was So Sick, which was my first number one as an artist, and I turned the mic around to the crowd and they sang the whole song. Every lyric. That was my first experience with the power of music. No barriers exist. Age. Race. Language. A great songthat trumps everything else.

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Above: Wool shirt ($570) and mohair trousers ($835) by Prada; leather shoes ($415) by Grenson.

Opposite: Cotton cardigan ($980) and cotton trousers ($750) by Bottega Veneta; leather monk-straps ($675) by OKeeffe; cottonand-silk scarf ($425) by Burberry London; hat by Hollywood Hatters.

141

FOR STORE INFORMATION SEE PAGE 160. PRODUCTION BY MEAGAN SZASZ FOR LAH PRODUCES. GROOMING BY DANIELLE DECKER, PROP STYLING BY ABRAHAM LATHAM, BOTH FOR ARTMIX. ADDITIONAL STYLING BY ARIANNE TUNNEY FOR TRACEY MATTINGLY.

Opposite page, from left, on Dann Gallucci, guitarist: Wool blazer ($1,195) by Calvin Klein Collection; cotton shirt ($220) by Rag & Bone; silk tie ($225) by Dolce & Gabbana; cotton jeans ($298) by John Varvatos; leather shoes ($750) by Esquivel. On Matt Maust, bassist: Leatherand-nylon jacket ($1,795) by Z Zegna; cotton jeans ($88) by Levis; leather shoes by Dr. Martens; glasses ($340) by Oliver Peoples. On Nathan Willett, lead singer: Leather jacket by Schott; cotton shirt ($125) by Polo Ralph Lauren; cotton jeans ($78) by Levis; leather shoes ($830) by Louis Vuitton. On Matt Aveiro, drummer: Vintage blazer by Gant; cotton shirt ($204) by Steven Alan.

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FOR THE UNINITIATED: Bluesy barrelhouse piano. Propulsive pop melodies. Jittery bits of guitar. A breathless plea. Repeat. Formulaic? Maybe. But after fits and starts of brilliance on its first three records, this Long Beachbased quartet has hit its stride and locked into a very intense groove for the fourth, the new Dear Miss Lonelyhearts. LEAD SINGER NATHAN WILLET ON THEIR SOUND: Our songs hinge on dynamicsbig, chaotic, crashing moments and soft, sensitive moments. . . . Some songs have both, some one or the other. But a lot of them have both. ON BEING IN A BAND: Maintaining a band means a lot of meetings. And theyre not always real meetings. Its call this dude. Have a beer with that dude. Tell one guy what the other guy said. But the value is at the end of the day, we know everybody is trying to protect whats special about this band. We need those checks and balances. ON THE LONG GAME: Were not about radio hits; were not about selling one song or one record. Four records in, we have a body of work. And I know were a better band, making better music, than weve ever been. We look up to the bands like R.E.M., U2, or even the Nationalbands that were hitting their stride, tapping into something special, on their fifth record. Thats what were looking to do. WHAT THEYRE LISTENING TO: Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds, We No Who U R; Frank Ocean, Pilot Jones.

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W H AT I V E L E A R N E D

SENIOR WHITE HOUSE ADVISOR, 56, WASHINGTON


I N T E RV I EW E D BY CA L F U S S M A N, M A RC H 1 3 , 2 01 3

> If somebodys trying to get you angry, the calmer you get, the angrier theyll get. > I try not to keep any ice cream in the house because I can go through a pint pretty fast. > Anytime I was hesitant about taking a chance, my grandmother would say, Valerie, put yourself in the path of lightning. > I was the first person in my family to become a lawyer. I was working on the seventy-ninth oor of the Sears Tower. I had a great ofce
overlooking the sailboats on Lake Michigan. But I was miserable. A friend advised me to think about city government. I was hesitantI was on my path and, miserable as I might be, it was my path. But Harold Washington had become the rst black mayor of Chicago, and I made the move. I got a cubicle . . . with a window facing an alley. That was a little jarring. But as soon as I stepped in that cubicle, I felt This is where I belong. I was working with people who shared a common passion in their love for the city. I thought, Hey, I can get used to this cubicle. > Just because youre nervous doesnt mean you have to look nervous. Nobody can look inside you. Project what you want to project. > I was doing an interview on a panel of women. The question was, Is it more important for a woman to be respected or liked? My view is you can actually be bothif you add being decent. > Children play the same no matter where they come from. > Laughter is very important to health. So I laugh a lot. On the hard days, you try to nd a little bit of humor, even if its macabre. > The president is the kind of person who, the day before the nal exam, would open the book, read it, and get an A. The First Lady is the kind of person who, the rst day of class when they were discussing dissertations, would plot out how to nish hers. > I spent the first eighteen years of our relationship being the older mentor. I liked our relationship like that. It worked for me. One of the reasons it was so easy to have my mentee become my boss is because I respect him. > When youre an only child, friendship becomes really important. > You cant expect people to put your friendship on hold because youre in a demanding job. Friends require investment. Like a garden, you have to water them. If you dont, they dry up. > I was chairing the board of the Chicago Transit Authority and we were in a terrible budget situation. We were having to shrink the service we were providing, and people started demonstrating outside my co-op. I had just closed on it, and it was still under renovation. The co-op members have to approve you coming in. I hadnt even had a chance to move in yet and give everybody a chance to see how adorable my daughter was and fall in love with us. So here we are, strangers still, and the protesters showed up. So I went and bought them coffee and doughnuts. Im not sure if it was the coffee and doughnuts or the cold weather, but they dispersed. My daughter was about eleven. She said, Why do you do this? meaning why are you chairing the board of the Chicago Transit Authority? I said, I would rather be the one making the decisions than somebody else because I know Im going to be as thoughtful as possible. > Someone once said to me that part of being a leader is you have to be able to absorb a lot of pain. The president is able to absorb a lot of incoming re. > Theres nothing worse than boredom. > Im low on drama. Thats one thing I share with the president. Our challenges are too big for us to have to ght among ourselves. > It doesnt mean we dont debate ideas. One of the presidents strengths, I think, is his ability to make people feel safe expressing themselves, knowing that if he disagrees with you it doesnt mean that he disrespects you. He simply disagrees with you. A healthy disagreement enables him to make better decisions. > You have to look at people in order to be able to read them. > I did question the president back when he decided to run for the U. S. Senate. I wasnt sure it was the right time for him. That has generated periodic humor at my expense. > As you get older, it gets easier to know who to trust. > If you had asked me on the night when I rst met him, could that be possible, I probably wouldve said yes, but it wouldve been a fantasy. But to then live it and share it with my daughter, who thinks its perfectly normal to have your moms friend become president of the United States . . . > You can have it all, just not at the same time and in all the proportions that you may want.

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Jarrett met the future president when he was just out of law school and she was deputy chief of staff for Chicago mayor Richard Daley. She interviewed Michelle Robinson, who had recently become engaged to Obama, for a job, and the three became friends. 145

BILL PETIT SUFFERED THE WORST LOSS A MAN CAN GO THROUGH, HIS FAMILY BRUTALLY MURDERED. THIS IS THE STORY OF HOW, LITTLE BY LITTLE, A MAN PUTS A LIFE TOGETHER.

A HOUSE ON THE RIVER

You never saw these, Bill Petit says as he opens his front door. Its ten oclock in the morning and he is holding a stack of broken-down cardboard boxes he was supposed to take out to the trash. They missed the recycling last week. Theyre still getting used to the schedule. He and his wife, Christine, moved into this house a month ago, not long after the wedding, and shes trying to make it nice, to give it the feminine touch, as Bill says. And that means not having boxes stacked by the front door. He steps out past the pumpkin left over from Halloween and half eaten by squirrels, and gets rid of them before she sees.

A THURSDAY

BY RYAN DAGOSTINO P H OTO G R A P H S BY J OO CA N Z I A N I


147

His hair is damp from the shower, combed back. His beard is trimmed neat. He wears a checked shirt and jeans. He is a newlywed, for the rst time in a long time, and a new homeowner, so his days are full of little interactions with his wife and with his house, the little interactions that make up a life. Since the murders, its these moments that little by little have brought Petit back to life. Back inside, he ddles with the sliding doors that lead out to the deck. These sliders dont sit right, he says. Theyre not ush. Have to x that. He jiggles the door shut. The house is a baby-blue prefab sitting on steel beams and concrete footings at the end of a residential street along the Farmington River in western Connecticut. Off to one side is a copse of maple trees along the rivers edge, some of them felled by the beavers who gnaw the trunks until the trees topple and land with a deep thud on the bed of brown leaves below. On the other side of the house, right outside the front door, is a pumping station about the size of a tennis court, with a chainlink fence around itthe town recently put in a sewer system, and a pumping station ended up here in the Petits new front yard. The room in the house thats supposed to be the master bedroom faces the pumping station. Bill and Christine instead squeezed their bed into the small room across the hall, which is not much larger than the bed itself, but it faces the river. Thats the side of the house they choose to focus on. Thats the view they want, the peace they want. We painted this, the inside, Petit says, nodding to the white walls of the living room. This was all dark. All dark. Then she put these funky lights in. Put a new oor in, got rid of some furniture, tried to t in here. No basement, no attic, no garage, no storage. What you see is what you get. One of the funky lights is a chandelier that looks like a giant uffy white dandelion. Thats pure Christine. And the benches out on the deck, which the previous owner left behindshe had Bill paint those bright purple. Christine Paluf Petit sings out as she enters the room, Shangri-la! She waves her hands around like a hostess on a game show. Then she lowers her voice a notchstill several notches, and a couple of octaves, above Bills dry New England monotone and, extending her damp right hand, says of their home, We like it. Its fun. I just washed my hands. Nice to meet you. She whirls around the room, putting water on for tea, straightening a blanket on the arm of a chair, sliding an ottoman over in front of Bill so he can put his feet up. Its peaceful here, you know? Its hard to nd that, she says, clanging out mugs and spoons on the counter. The town here is an artsy kind of place, and theres something about those places thatthe mind-set is to create new things, you know? Like this lamp. Thats the whimsy! Look at the shadows it makes. This is the jewelry, I call it. Im trying to draw your eye awaaay from the bad walls, the bad windows. She icks her hands at the chandelier and says, Youre not gonna look at that because this is here! She smiles and her eyes drift out the window toward the river. She runs a hand through her

beach-blond hair. Ill open this door a little, she says to no one. Its a nice day. Bills eyes follow her, and he grins a little as she buzzes around. But the house is so small, so its hard, she says, going on the way she sometimes does, lling the silence. Literally, literally, you cant walk around the bed in the room we made into our bedroom. But you can see the water! So of course we did it that way. Why would I want to look at that fence? Whose idea was that? Bill asks. Christine gives him a glare and a smile. Just checking, he says. Shes back in the kitchen now, xing the tea. Petit absently picks up his phone from a side table. His hand brushes a stack of brochures that say Michaelas Garden. On the front cover is an emblem depicting a mother bird wrapping two baby birds in her wing, and the birds form the shape of a heart. Inside each brochure is a small packet of ower seeds. The owers are called fouroclocks, because their blooms open up in the late afternoon each day and blossom all night before their petals fold in again with the rst rays of dawn light. Bills daughter Michaela loved four-oclocks theyre showy owers, red and white and pink and yellow, trumpet-shaped, bushy. She and Bill used to like to plant them around the yard when they lived a couple towns over in Cheshire, the two of them out there on their knees in the dirt. Bill liked them because they were easy to plantpop the seed in the soil about a quarter-inch down, cover it up, boom. Done. After the murders, he started the Petit Family Foundation in memory of the girls and his wife Jennifer, who was forty-eight when one of the intruders raped her on their living-room oor, and then strangled her with his hands before soaking her body with gasoline. Hay-

YOU JUST KEEP GOING, HE SAYS. NO, CHRISTINE SAYS. SHE CORRECTS HIM: YOU JUST KEEP GOING. YOU FIND A WAY TO KEEP LIVING. NOT EVERYONE WOULD, OR COULD. TO WHICH BILL SCRUNCHES HIS FACE INTO A LOOK THAT SAYS, IF YOU SAY SO.

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ley was seventeenshe almost escaped, having been tied to her bed for hours with nylons and rope, a pillowcase over her head. Michaela was only eleven, and died in her bed after the younger of the two men sodomized her, then poured gas all over her room just before the re started. The seeds in the small packet inside the brochures were harvested from the very plants she and Bill planted. The house was torn down the re burned so fast and so hot that the structure was beyond salvation. But before it was, Petits brother-in-law and a few others went over and dug up as many four-oclocks as they could and replanted them far from that place. Now the seeds are harvestedsomething like three hundred thousand so farand sold in little packets inside the brochures for ten dollars, for the foundation. Petit pokes his phone with his thumb. Too many e-mails, he says without looking up. Foundation business, invitations to appear as an honored guest at this function or that, junk mail. I try to look at the ten worst ones and get rid of them. Theres Williams and Sonomas. Somehow Williams and Sonomaswe got a couple of wedding gifts and somehow now they have us on their list for the rest of our lives. He keeps scrolling. That thing at Childrens Hospital is next Tuesday at 3:15, he calls over to Christine. Tuesday the eleventh. Meet em in the lobby. She looks up. What thing? That lady, Wilma Hoffman, from Bulkeley High School who does the knitting club. They knit stuff for the kids. We gave em a grant, and were gonna go with them to Childrens Hospital. Christine pulls out her phone. This is what they have to do constantly. Sync. The thirteenth? Eleventh. Tuesday the eleventh. Three-fteen. Okay. Childrens Hospital. Which one? The one in Hartford, Bill says. He pauses before adding, The only one. Christine murmurs a little singsongy reminder: I dont know that. They put their coats on. There are the usual errands to do. Petit shoves the storm door closed as he leaves. A gust of wind caught it the other day and busted the bracket that keeps it latched, so you need to really push it to make sure its shut. Have to x that.

Well done, Grasshopper. Yeah, well, you gotta make some jokes. You just keep going. Thats the way Petit has lived since the morning of July 23, 2007, the rst day in more than twenty-two years that he had neither a family nor a home, both of which were savagely taken from him the night before, just a few hours after he fell asleep. Two men broke in. Ripped his life from him in the most hideous way imaginable. And now he just keeps going. He doesnt talk about it much, his soldiering on or whatever people call it. His courage, his fortitude. Its just how he was brought up, he says. You do what you have to, he says. You just keep going, he says. No, Christine says. She corrects him: You do what you have to. You just keep going. You nd ways to keep living. Not everyone would, or could. To which Bill scrunches his face into a look that says, If you say so, his ngers absently gathering the fallen leaves from a dying plant into a neat pile on the table. After thatafter you keep going for a whileyou yearn for the return of mundane normalcy, if such a thing is even possible. Your days, like anyones days, become a mosaic of present and past, each piece as surprising as the next. But in your case, the past is a conagration, the end of the world. So you go on, and the most important questions in your life, the ones you ask yourself every day and the ones people think but dont say out loud, become: Where, exactly, are you going? Will there ever come a time when youll be able to salvage what is good and leave the horror behind? How do you get out of bed in the morning? Will you ever be able to sleep again?

He talks to the car radio.


Sorry dudes. Youre out, he says to the Rolling Stones after a couple of verses of Midnight Rambler, looking at the dash as he punches the buttons. Oh, crap. Okay, we got about four tenths of a gallon left. It says we got about ten miles left. Just about get us to Plainville. Oh dont do that, Christine says. Get gas. She knows how to poke him like that. He liked that in her from the time they met. It was in the Founders Room at the Farmington Country Club, where Bill plays golf with his best friend, Ron. If you dreamed up a room youd want to hang out in after a round of golf, the Founders Room would be it. Everything is dark wood. At one end is a mammoth replace, at the other end, the bar, which is where they rst started talking. She was the clubs marketing director, and she also tended bar in the Founders Room. She didnt know who he was, which is to say that she didnt know he was Dr. Bill Petit. She didnt know his family had been murdered. She wasnt living in Connecticut when it happened, and the news had passed her by. She just knew he was a member of the club, and she thought he was cute. He would order a Diet Coke with three cherries. They talked. One of Christines friends at the club noticed, but didnt say anything. Ron noticed. Rons known him since Little League, when Bill was on the Owls and Ron was on the Seals. Known him through every crush, every girlfriend. Knew Jen, of course. How about her? hed say to Bill. The girl behind the bar. Nothing happened. Eventually Christine went back to Boston, where she was studying photography at Boston Universitys Center for Digital Imaging Arts. For her nal project, she had to volunteer her services to a nonprot. She e-mailed Bill Petit, who, she now knew, had lost his family and had a foundation. Did they need any pictures? He knew who she was, and he knew she was pretty, and he knew she could crack a joke. It took him about ve seconds to say yes, Christine was welcome to photograph whatever she liked. Petit scans the radio, nixing songs. Nope . . . nope . . . nope. The road follows the curvature of the Farmington River, and hes on a stretch with no stoplights, speed limit fty, cruising along. Thin hori149

2:00 P.M.

Lunch first. Theyll walk into town,


which they like to do. Petit can do things to relax these days. Or at least he can do the kinds of things other people do to relax. He can simulate leisure. At the end of Petits driveway, an old railroad bridge creaks over the river. On the other side: an antiques barn, a package store, some gifty shops, a wine bar, a pub in the old depot, a place to rent kayaks. Cute town. Theres this one sandwich place where everythings homemade. They do a turkey sandwich with cranberry sauce on pumpernickel that Bill gets almost every time. Bill and Christine sit and eat and talk and watch people. No one stares at him here. Bill sometimes makes jokes that show his age, and Christineshes fty-six, shes thirty-six. At the lunch counter, the girl hands Christine a bowl of steaming winter-squash soup. Danger, Will Robinson, Bill says to his wife as she picks it up, quoting a television show that went off the air nine years before she was born. When she successfully carries it to the table without burning herself, he says,

12:15 P.M.

To read our original 2011 story about Bill Petit, scan here with Netpage.

zontal white and gray clouds lash across the baby-blue midwinter sky. Nice blue, says Bill. Look at all the layers, says Christine. They drive on for a minute without talking. Farmington tiramisu, Bill nally says. Down Unionville Avenue, getting closer to Plainville, roads he could drive blindfolded. My dad and my uncle Charlie used to run this package store here, he says. And thats where I used to work when I was sixteen years old, that shop. Making sandwiches. Christine mutters something about how he sure doesnt make sandwiches anymore. I got paid for it, he replies. You pay me, Ill make you a sandwich. Ill keep washing your socks. Ill just buy new socks. The relationship moved pretty fast. One of the men who invaded Petits home and killed his wife and daughters went on trial in the fall of 2011, and Christine came with Bill to the courthouse. Petit and his parents and sister and aunts and uncles and friends would drive the fty minutes from Plainville to New Haven each morning, not talking much on the way. They sat in the courtroom on the sixth oor of New Haven Superior Court, just a few feet from the man who saw Jen and Michaela at the supermarket one Sunday afternoon the afternoon of July 22, 2007and followed them home, then went back in the middle of the night with a friend he had met in a halfway house, another shitbag who wanted to learn how to break into houses and steal money, as if people with nice houses keep stacks of cash around. It was around three in the morning. They saw Petit zonked out on the couch in the sunroom. The younger of the two tried every door and window until he hit on the one that was unlocked: the basement bulkhead door. He

THE MAN BROUGHT THE BAT DOWN ONTO PETITS SKULL. HE CAME TO, DIDNT KNOW IF HE WAS AWAKE OR ASLEEP, ALIVE OR DEAD. HE COULD SEE THAT ONE OF THE MEN HAD A GUN.
walked in, found a baseball bat in the cellar, and went up to the sunporch. He lifted the bat over his head and brought it down onto Petits skulltwo, three, four, ve times. Petit came to, didnt know if he was awake or asleep or alive or dead. Through the blood in his eyes, he could see that one of the men had a gun. If he moves, put two bullets in him, one said to the other. Christine and Bill wanted to sit together in the courtroom, of course. But the victims advocate, a representative of the court who helps victims through the legal process, told them that wasnt a good idea in front of the jury. Christine sat behind. Unionville turns into North Washington. A cemetery rises on the left, across from a gas station. Oh, this is the cemetery that the girls are buried in, Christine says. We could probably drive by there on the way back. Bill doesnt say anything at rst. Vox clamantis in deserto. Yeah, he says after driving another hundred yards. It had to be a hundred degrees the day they put that headstone in. Depends what time we get back. Sun goes down around 4:10 now, he says. It took him a good two years, maybe three, to get it made the
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way he wanted. The funeral itself happened so quicklythe tragedy took place early on a Monday morning, and the funeral was that Friday. Bill went straight from the hospital to the church. All his clothes burned, so he was wearing a suit that a local tailor had donated after reading about the murders. The suit felt strange, like a rented tux. The stitches in his head were still red and tender and swollen. Ron had taken care of everything. All I want is white caskets, Bill told him. You do the rest. And Ron did, perfectly. But the headstone, that took some time, took until long after the paroxysm of that rst week had dissolved into the unbearable daily routine of trying to live. Once you plant a rock in the grass with their names chiseled into it, its set in stone, as they say. Right? Its nal. When the task is done, and your mind is unoccupied, the gaping maw of the universe comes to swallow you whole. So Bill took his time, worked and worked on the stone, choosing the right one, getting the design just right, the shape. Its Virginia slate, and the man Bill bought it from said it came from so deep in the earth that it would last ve hundred years. At the top is a circle divided into four parts, each quadrant etched with an image. A rose, for Michaela Rose. A rower with a long ponytail, powering a scull through the water Hayley was going to be on the crew team at Dartmouth. An angel, with the hint of a smilethat represents all three of them. Jennifer was good to her core. She ran the health center at a boarding school, and she was like a mother to those girls. The worst thing she would ever say about another person was Hes a baddie. The preachers daughter, not a mean bone. Petit does this thing where he counts the days, hours, and minutes since the girls died. He has a computational mind, likes numbers, is always calculating. One February day this year, he drove to the cemetery. There had been snow on the ground for weeks. Sometimes when its cold and snowy, or when the rains come, there arent many visitors. When Petit went that day, he didnt see footprints in the snow. It didnt bother him much people are busy, and it was a cold winter. But he took a picture of the headstone and tweeted it. 5 years, 7 months and 24 days. We will never forget, he wrote. In the fourth part of the circle, Petit chose the Latin phrase Vox clamantis in deserto. From the Old Testament. Its the Dartmouth College motto. Petits alma mater. Hayley would have graduated two years ago by now. A voice crying out in the wilderness.

The office of the Petit Family Foundation is actually


an ofce within an ofce, a small room with a desk, leased from a company that no longer needs the space. The foundation has two employees: Rolande Petit, the wife of Bills cousin Tim, who grew up down the street from him, and Hayley Hovhanessian, the daughter of a guy Bill went to high school with. She met Hayley Petit at basketball camp at Miss Porters School, and they became friends. Christine says Hayley is the backbone of the foundation. Hey, Hayley-girl, Petit says as he and Christine walk into the ofce. Hayley is twenty-three, the same age Hayley Petit would be, and wears her long brown hair in a ponytail. She has bright saucer eyes that light up when she smiles. Hayley-girl. Hey, she says, upbeat, grinning through a stack of papers. Petit looks at the yellow Post-it note on the pile. Uh-oh, he says. Bill to

2:30 P.M.

Sign. Oh, crap. Hayley keeps smiling. She knows he doesnt mind signing these letters. They have a system: Hayley and Rolande enter every donation into a database and generate a letter of thanks to be signed by Petit. He comes in a few times a week and signs and signs. If he knows the recipient personally, he crosses out the formal Dear Mr. and Mrs. and handwrites their rst names. There are lots of donations from strangers, mostly checks, but sometimes a single, heartbreaking dollar bill stuffed in an envelope with a scrawled letter. Petit sometimes writes little notes as he signs. He holds one up for Christine. Can you read my handwriting at all, or is it just a mess? She tries to read: Thank you for . . . this . . . mysomething. Thank you for this very generous gift. Christine frowns. Show me four letters in that word. Show me two, even. Put the front end on the v at least. Bill puts the front end on the v and moves to the next letter in the pile. Heres a guy I went to medical school with. Hes an anesthesiologist in Pennsylvania now. He scratches out some words on the bottom. Christine peers over his shoulder and reads. Very . . . Christmas. Thats Merry Christmas. Come on. Hayley-girl. It just comes out. Thats what he used to call his rstborn. Hayley-girl. It just comes out sometimes when he sees Hayley at the ofce. She was a force of nature, Hayley was. You never saw anyone work so hard at school. Always a book in her hand. Over at Aunt Hannas house, she would op down on that chair by the kitchen with her book. In the car on the way to basketball games, she read her book in the backseat next to her dad as he worked. Even on that last family vacation, to Cape Cod, ten days before she was murdered, she had a book with her the whole time. She lived for seventeen years. She was beautiful. Six feet tall by the time she graduated from high school. Chestnut hair, a smile like she knew everything would be all right. Bill took her everywhere, even when she was little. If he had to make his rounds at the hospital on a weekend, he took her along, wanted to show her the world. When she got older, he took her to basketball games at the University of Connecticut, and it became their thing. They had season tickets for both the mens and womens teams. Usually it was Bill, Hayley, Hanna, and Bill Sr. That was the core. Sometimes Michaela came along, and Jen went to two or three games a yearthat was enough for her. But Hayley always went. She was always so busy, rowing crew, cocaptain of the basketball team, doing her homework until after midnight sometimes, up in that second-oor ofce with Bill. She pushed herself so hard. At the games, thoughat the games, it was glorious. Him and Hayley, standing and cheering from the minute the Huskies ran onto the court. They knew every player, every statistic by heart. It was fun. Just so much . . . fun. One of the letters in the stack on Hayleys desk at the foundation is written in a childs hand. Oh, these boys are great, Petit says. There are these three brothers, he explains, and every year at their birthday party, instead of asking for presents, they ask their friends to make a donation to the Petit Family Foundation. And they mail a check for, like, seventytwo dollars, with a note.
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THE PETIT HOUSE WAS SO BADLY BURNED THAT IT HAD TO BE RAZED AND CARTED AWAY, FOUNDATION AND ALL. NEIGHBORS HAVE MADE THE PROPERTY INTO A MEMORIAL GARDEN, BUT PETIT HASNT BEEN BACK SINCE THAT NIGHT.

Dear Dr. Petit, this one says. How are you? I just had my 10th birthday party. I invited all my friends and family. We celebrated at my favorite place, the Sports Arena. Like my brothers, I wanted to donate my presents to your foundation. I hope these donations help your awesome foundation to help others who are less fortunate. It can be overwhelming, the support. Checks for $10,000. And things like thiskids donating their birthday presents. Can you imagine? Ten-year-old kid? The foundation is going good now. People understand the mission statement, and when the applications for grants roll in, they usually t in with it somehow: foster the education of young people, especially women in the sciences; to improve the lives of those affected by chronic illnesses; and to support efforts to protect and help those affected by violence. Petit knows the girls would be proud, especially Jennifer. The foundation does an annual golf tournament and a road race. The next few years will be interesting. See if the donations keep coming. It would be nice if the foundation got to where it was self-sustaining, living off its own interest. For now, the board meets every two months, and Petit drives all over the state drumming up support, handing out big cardboard checks, shaking hands, saying a few words, ashing his best smile. Hes the face of the thing. The day he loses the energy to keep showing up is the day they spend the few million dollars in the kitty and close up shop. But for now, it is what Bill does every day. In that way, its how they all live onJennifer, Hayley, Michaela, and Bill. For the rst few years, he did all these appearances alone. His parents were usually there, sure, and Hanna, and Ron, and his brother
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Glenn, and his friends. But when it came time to step up to TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND the podium or cut the ribbon, it was Bill Petit. Now he has a PIECES OF MAIL date, a partner, someone to drive there with and drive home CAME AFTER with, and thats no small thing. Now he has a wife. His secTHAT NIGHT, ond wife. Miss Christine, he calls her sometimes. Christine, FROM ALL OVER who hangs funky chandeliers and paints things purple. FunTHE WORLD. ny, brassy, blond Miss Christine, whose laugh is like an aria SOME SENT and who says what she feels and so be it. MONEY FOR Bills so good at going to everything, she says. Those THE FOUNDATION, A DOLLAR relationships, the face-to-face. So many people have supBILL TUCKED ported the foundation, and so many of those people have INTO A SYMPAtheir own foundations, and they really like it when hes at THY CARD, OR A their events. I bought more dresses this year than in my $5,000 CHECK. whole life. Remember we went to that black tie and you NO MATTER, were like, Why dont you have anything you can wear? He THE PETIT FAMthinks its normal to have all these black-tie outts. ILY WOULD ANWhat black tie did we go to? SWER THEM ALL, BY HAND. New Britain. Oh yeah. The museum? Yeah, and you cant wear the same dress you wore to the last onehello, same people. And we have three events in the next week and a half that are all dress-up. And were going with his best friends wife to every one of them. Ron and Susan. So just call Susan and agree to wear the same dress, Bill says. Christine just looks at him. Petit asked Christine to marry him the night before New Years Eve, 2011. They were living in a 572-square-foot house on a lake. It was small and they were only there a few months, but it was the rst place they lived together that neither had lived in before, so it was excitingthe newness. She went out with a few friends early in the night for some Christmas drinks and came home to nd the house mostly dark and Bill sitting on the bed. She kicked off her shoes and took her coat off times she tries to lift it back up, and sometimes she knows to let it fall. Slowly, its getting easier. And always, she jokes. You dont like doand opped down next to him. Then she saw that he was holding ing dishes, do you? shell say. And howd that go over with Jennifer? the ring box in his hand. And Bill laughs. The next night, they went to Ron Bucchis house to spend New Years Eve with Ron and Susan. Susan and Jennifer were friends, seeing each other mostly at countless country-club events, and now Susan had taken Peaceful, easy feeling, and I know you wont let a real liking to Christine. The Bucchis live in a fabulous house on a sub- me down. Finally, Petit says, settling on a radio station. He turns the volurban cul-de-sac, a house they designed themselves. Susan and Christine went off to the kitchen. As Ron put away their coats, Bill gave him a ume up a tiny bit. Theyre back in the car now, he and Christine, nudge and told him, almost in a whisper, that he was going to announce heading over to see his parents. Cause Im alllll-ready standing . . . on the ground. to him and Susan that night that he had asked Christine to marry him. Do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do, Petit sings, doing the instruAct happy even if youre not, Bill said with a smirk. Ron clapped him on the back and said, What are you talking about? mental part, tapping the wheel as he pulls into the driveway. This is where he lived for more than four years after the murders. Im happy! Long driveway. Could t twenty cars, easy. It was full every day It was just that Bill knew people worried about him. Nothing to for weeks after it happened. Relatives, mostly. Friends. The grocer, do with Christine. In fact, Christine was perfect. When she was growing up, sometimes someone from their church an old friend, had so many orders for the Petits he called Barbara who had nowhere else to go would stay with her family. Christines to see if she wanted him to space them out, so they wouldnt spoil. mom is a psychiatric nurse, and from her Christine learned how to lis- Delivery trucks. Mail, so much mail. People coming and going. Peten. How to be there and not say anything. Early on when they were tit would look out the window every once in a while, from the secdating, if she saw Bill going to a dark place in his mind, she was quiet, ond-oor room that was now his. Bill Sr. and Barbara, Petits parents, bought the biggest house in just holding his hand. He used to thank her for that. For what? she would ask. And he would tell her that a lot of people dont know how to town about twenty years ago. Neither came from money, but he made not do anything, and thats usually what he needed. Just an easy silence. a good living running neighborhood stores. The house was built in The nightmares arent the tough part. She comforts him as anyone 1923 by the richest man in town, name of Norton. By the time Billy would comfort a child. The tough part is looking past his unmoving was a boy, in the late fties and early sixties, the sloping acres beface and trying to read whether at any particular moment he feels un- hind it had become Norton Park, where Billy and Hanna Petit and speakable pain or feels like going out for a sandwich. Sometimes in their brothers and every kid in the neighborhood used to play evthe car, on the way to an event, theyll be all dressed up, shes cracking ery afternoon until dinnertime. Billy goes by the house a few times jokes, and suddenly the mood in the car just drops like a rock. Some- a week, usually with Christine.

3:45 P.M.

152 E S Q U I R E M A Y 2 0 1 3

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Inside, Billys mom is shing through boxes of Christmas ornaments. A Christmas tree, a good eight feet, stands in the bright entry hall at the center of the house. This is the rst Christmas the Petits have put up a tree since 2006. Looks good, he says to his dad. Bill Sr. leans in. At seventy-nine the guy looks great, and his voice is still strong and deep and clear, but the ears arent so good. The tree. Looks good, Billy says a little louder. Oh, yeah. Photographs of Bill Sr. and Barbaras grandchildren hang along the grand staircase, which is outtted with those automatic chairs that carry people up and down. On the top are Hayleys senior-year photo and Michaelas last school picture before she was murdered. She was in the fth grade. At the top of the stairs, Barbara has boxes stacked and labeled, full of stuff for the foundation. Lord knows theres no room for them in the little ofce downtown, so here they are. Theres an attic space on the third oor, and thats where the letters are. Remember how they used to come? Those white postal bins. Overowing. Every day, sometimes two deliveries a day. Barbara climbs the steps, opens a door at the end of the hall, and switches on a single lightbulb. There, stacked in even rows on the oorboards of the attic, are the boxes. The kind of boxes you see used for legal papers, usually. Stacked two and three on top of one another, reaching almost up to the rafters and the insulation under the roof of the house. Each box labeled with a Sharpie in Barbaras hand. Billys mail. People didnt know what to do, so they sent money. Five dollars. A thousand dollars. Five thousand. Fifty bucks. Tucked into drugstore sympathy cards. Or folded into notes composed with careful hands, printed on plain paper, signed at the bottom. Some brief and polite, some long and personal. Some really long and really personal. Some from children. Some from friends down the street. The post ofce in Plainville was great about it. Some of the envelopes just said William Petit, Connecticut, but they knew where to take it. I am sure you have heard this from many people but I hope you know how much your courage and strength has changed my life. When I am having a moment where I am fretting about the small stuff, I think of you and count my blessings. From a family that Jen used to babysit for when she was a teenager: It was easy to see why our son took to his new babysitter very quickly and developed the biggest crush on her. . . . For those that are faithful while on this earth I know when God calls us home it is to a place where we cannot understand the peace, love and wonder of this place called heaven. Jenny and your daughters are there now with the Lord watching over them. I hope you feel better Dr. William Petit Jr. A lot of religious stuff. CDs. Religious music, Josh Grobansongs people nd inspirational. Books about Holocaust survivors. Letters from prisoners. Letters from people in China and Ireland and Italy. Letters from women wondering if Bill needed a friend. A cake from a baker in Alaska. Cards from entire rst-grade classes. Buckets and buckets of mail. Bills parents, his sister Hanna, his brother Glenn, his aunts and uncles and cousins who populated the Petits stately brick house in the days and weeks afterwardeveryone wondered what to do with it all. Were going to answer it, Bill said. And so they answered it. The family sat in an assembly line around the table on the porch and wrote responses by hand. If there wasnt a return address, they went online to try to nd it, or called information. A family friend showed Hanna how to catalog each piece of mail in a computer spreadsheet: name, address, type of letter, date received, date responded to. And then everything went into boxes.

No one organizes like Barbarawith ve kids, you had to. She has a special closet just for tablecloths, which she keeps pressed and on hangers with plastic over them. For Billys mail, she wrapped elastic bands around each bundle and stacked them neatly in their designated box. Then she and Bill Sr. hauled them one by one, dozens of boxes, to the third-oor attic, where they sit. I dont know why I did all this, Barbara says. She stands there for a few long minutes, one hand on her hip, the other resting on the lid of a box. There are at least twenty-ve thousand pieces of mail up here. Mail that came for her boy, to make him feel better. I just did, she says. Barbaras house, used to be by the driveway at Petits old house. They 4:00 P.M.

The chamaecyparis tree out back, behind Bill and


had it transplanted. That one in the right front of the garageIm sorry, in the right front of the gardenwas right by the driveway by the garage, by where we had the basketball hoop, Petit says, looking out the back window at it. I think about shooting hoops with Hayley and the ball bouncing off the chamaecyparis. The house in Cheshire had to be demolished. Hanna had been inside a few times, had walked across the charred, soaked oor, had breathed in the ugly black air that hung in every room. Bill, still recovering from his beating, once asked her to look for something in a drawer in the kitchen. Bill, she told him. There are no more drawers. Theres no more kitchen. The invaders had soaked everything with gas, trying to destroy the evidence, including three human beings. They didnt know that half the Cheshire Police Department was circling the house. But the re burned too quick. Weeks later, Ron went a couple of times to meet with the insurance adjuster. They stood in the driveway and talked, and Ron said he could go inside with the guy. The insurance man asked Ron if he had been inside since the re. No, Ron said, he hadnt. Dont, the man said. The owner is your friend? Dont go in. Its the worst thing Ive ever seen. When Hayley was about three, Petit planted a Japanese maple on the other side of the driveway from the chamaecyparis. It was maybe two feet tall when he planted it. There were rhododendrons on the north end of the house that Jen and Bill used to deadhead, to try to maximize the number of blooms. And they had a huge viburnum in the front yard, which had these spectacular white owers in the springtime and little berries in the summer and the fall. Petit barely touched that thing and it grew like mad. People would stop and take pictures. One sunny fall day a few months after the murders, a eet of trucks showed up at Bills parents house, where he was living. Flatbeds and pickups loaded with his trees and bushes, their gargantuan root balls swathed in burlap. Trays and trays of perennials, the dark soil still clinging to their stringy white roots. There was the chamaecyparis. There was the Japanese maple, purple and majestic and delicate, carefully strapped to the truck so it wouldnt topple. One truck carried the rhododendrons from the north side of the house. There was the viburnum. Michaelas four-oclocks. Bill was out at the time. He drove in the driveway and saw them laid out neatly in the yard, all these beautiful, vibrant plants from a life he would never see again. All winter he worked on designing a garden in his parents backyard. It would be in the shape of a heartthe base would be just behind the sunporch, and the plants would go around both sides before meeting in the middle at a I wanna say trellis. Not called a trellis, Petit says. Whats it called? Arbor? says Christine.
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Theyre outside his parents house now, surveying the damage from a recent winter storm, and giving a tour of the garden. Arch. Oh, and there are some big lights up on that tree. There were big lights on those trees there, but that came down in the last storm. And over there, thats aI was gonna say ambrosia but its not that. Christine offers, Rhododendron? No, no. Not mountain laurels. No. Bill is scratching his chin, staring at the plants. He doesnt like not being able to call up the name. He likes knowing every namein Latin. Thats a mountain laurel or a rhodie, isnt it? Christine says. No, youre 0 for 2. Its a . . . crap. Its not crap, itswell, those are scabiosa there. Button owers. Its not a mountain laurel? No, not even close, dear. Get a book out. Artemisia? No. Arteandromeda. Christine was so nervous when she came over to photograph the garden, her rst assignment for the foundation. She liked Bill, but she didnt know he liked her, too. She thought maybe, but . . . Then, as they were walking through the gardenhim pointing out the different species in Latin, her taking pictureshe stopped, looked at her, and reached up and touched her earring. Her heart jumped. She rushed away, started taking pictures again. I was like, whoa! I gotta go! Bill rolls his eyes and smiles when he

Petit parks himself by the tables where the food is. There are these little chicken, bacon, and pineapple skewers that are just delicious, and he downs three of them with another Bud. Just then, two kids walk in, a boy around eight who looks momentarily stunned to be in a bar full of grown-ups, and a bouncing redheaded girl of ve or six. Here comes trouble, Petit says, his eyes going wide. The boy stares, the girl just looks up at him with a shy grin. Petit scooches down so hes on their level. He grabs a bunch of grapes and swings them in front of the girls eyes, but she shakes her head. What? You

PETIT WITH MICHAELA, HAYLEY, AND JENNIFER ON CAPE COD, JULY 2007, ABOUT TEN DAYS BEFORE THEY WERE KILLED. THEIR MURDERERS ARE NOW BOTH ON DEATH ROW IN CONNECTICUT.

hears her retell it. I just asked you where you got em or something, he says. I know, she says. Butyou were closer than normal. Okay. It was one of my favorite moments. He looks right at her, smiles. Okay.

Christine enters the Central Cafe before Bill. Hes


outside talking to his brother Glenn, whos been a champ through all this. Sat with Billy every night in the hospital that rst week. Went with Hanna to identify the bodies. Told Billy not to go, to remember them as they were. Told him Jen was unrecognizable. Tickets are twenty bucks a head tonight, all proceeds going to the Plainville Community Food Pantry. You get two free drink tickets when Petit nally wanders in he orders a Bud and Christine gets a Guinness. Over in the back corner is a rafe table, and Petit buys a couple of tickets, stuffs them in the box. He knows the ladies doing the rafe and chats them up over the music. In Plainville, everybody knows Bill Petit. Not because of what happened to his family. Everybody always knew Bill Petit. His dad used to own every store in town, it seemed like, and served on the Chamber of Commerce, the town council. His mom was on the library board. And Billy used to work in his dads stores, manning the register before he was thirteen years old. He was already up to six feet tall by then, so he looked older, and he was so mature, so smart, so well manneredBill Sr. didnt think twice about leaving the kid in charge.
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dont like grapes? he asks with mock consternation. He turns back to the table, scans it for something they might want. Baby carrots. The boy says he doesnt like carrots. You dont want awell thats good because this isnt a carrot, he says. Its French. Its a carrot. He pronounces the word with a thick French accent: cah-roe. The boy giggles a little bit, and the girl takes him up on it and eats the carrot. He asks them about school, about what they want for Christmas, about anything he can think of. Hes bent down talking to these kids for a good ve minutes, the roomful of grown-ups swirling around him. At the beginning, after it happened, Petit could hardly stand to be around kids. Even the ones he loved mostespecially the ones he loved most. Hannas kids were the most difcult. Hayley was two years older than Hannas Abby, and Hannas Andrew was a year older than Michaela. Abby is more of an extrovert than Hayley ever wasgoofier, louder. Hayley was pretty shy, actually. Abby used to run across the eld at Hayleys school yelling her name and shouting I love you! and tackle her, sending the two of them into a tangle of limbs and squeals on the grass. Michaela, she thought Andrew was the coolest. Michaela wasnt much for UConn basketballnot like Hayley and her dadbut if Andrew was going to a game, she was there. At the beginning, after it happened, it was too much. He felt like he made Abby and Andrew miserable. He felt like an ogre, big, sad Uncle Billy, who they suddenly didnt know how to act around, or how to talk to. He told Hanna, who responded by saying, Well, you know what? They make you sad and miserable, too, dont they? He thought about it.

Yeah, of course they did. Well, not miserable. He loved them. But it was overwhelming to be around kids who knew the girls. All he saw were Hayley and Michaela. It wasnt fair to anyone. After a couple of hours at the Central, Bill and Christine start working their way out of the room. Christine, coat in hand, is chatting with someone, and Bill is a few steps behind, nishing his beer, talking to some old classmate or another. Right now hes just a guy at a bar, having a good time. And then, Excuse me, Dr. Petit? A woman wearing a brown leather coat and hoopy earrings is standing in front of him. She is probably in her forties, with frosted blond hair, warm, forlorn eyes, and a bashful smile. She speaks quietly and politely. Do you recognize my voice? Hoo boy. This happens sometimes. People approach him, people he met once maybe, who remember him because hes Bill Petit but who, for him, are part of an endless parade of truly kind people who are sometimes hard to place. He purses his lips and looks at the oor. Okay, talk a little more so I have a chance, he says. She says her name is Dawn, and that theyve talked a lot over the years. It turns out she worked at one of the answering services his medical practice used, so she called him probably a hundred times over the years with messages from patients, at all hours. Dawn doesnt get too close to Petit. I always wanted to come up to you during one of the road races, but I didnt want to bother you, she says. I just wanted to say Im sorry. He gives her a little hug, thanks her, and follows his wife out into the night.

of the Connecticut Childrens Medical Center at Hartford HospiTHE FOLLOWING TUESDAY tal, staring at a man made out of Legos. Its a chilly, blue December afternoon outside. Inside, the cafeteria is almost empty. The room, all bright colors and happy posters, is at the base of a swirling atrium that spirals up six oors. It looks like the bottom of a missile silo that was decorated by children. Rainbow crepe-paper mobiles bob from the ceiling. The oor tiles shine and squeak. The air smells like French fries. Off in a corner, a security guard pays for a Snapple, joking in Spanish with the girl behind the register. Petit knows this hospital well. He knows every hospital in the state. Hes an endocrinologist, endocrinology being a branch of internal medicine dealing with the glands that deliver hormones to the bloodstreamhis particular expertise is treating diabetes and thyroid problems. He is the former director of the prestigious Joslin Diabetes Center at the Hospital of Central Connecticut, and a coauthor of The Encyclopedia of Diabetes, a denitive 436-page text. He has given speeches all over the country. He is one of the best. But he is not here today as a doctor. He hasnt practiced medicine since the day before the murders. Hes here because the Petit Family Foundation gave a $500 grant to the knitting club at Bulkeley High School, a fortress of a school in a poor, banged-up part of Hartford. Some of the girls have knit scarves and hats for the sick children in

Dr. William A. Petit Jr. is standing in the cafeteria

SLOWLY, ITS GETTING EASIER. AND ALWAYS, CHRISTINE JOKES. YOU DONT LIKE DOING DISHES, DO YOU? SHELL SAY. AND HOWD THAT GO OVER WITH JENNIFER? AND BILL LAUGHS.

the hospital, and theyve come to deliver their gifts. Wilma Hoffman, the lady with orange beauty-parlor hair who runs the knitting club, invited Petit to come. He is always invited to come, and he always shows up. Its important, he thinks, to golets people know he appreciates the good work they do. He knows its him they want to see, the man who runs the foundation, the man who crisscrosses the state, who signs every check, the man whose family was murdered. The Lego man is life-sized, just a few inches shorter than Petit, who is a good six foot three. Petit looks at the toy statue blankly, raises his eyebrows for an almost imperceptible second, like a heartbeat on a cardiograph. His wifes camera is around his neck, and he takes a picture. This is a fun one, the knitting club. The half dozen students here with Wilma dont say much aside from some nudged whispers among one another. A girl from Burma speaks not a word as she presents Petit with a knit cap, which he puts on as he makes a goofy face. Another girl, Cristal, who could be a junior but has the round, bright face of a girl a few years younger, sits on a radiator, knitting. Wilma announces to everyone that Cristal is knitting a hat for her six-month-old baby. Wilma is great. Some people, youd give them ve hundred bucks and theyd say thanks, see you later. Not Wilma. She sends in every receipttwelve dollars and forty-ve cents for yarn, everything so that the foundation can see where its money is going. Exactitude. Petit loves it. Wilma asks Petit if he wants to say anything. The girls stare and dget. He pauses, then begins: What you do to help others probably makes you all feel better as well. His voice is soft, and he clips each sentence at the end, letting a beat pass before starting the next. And while doing those things, youre teaching your classmates about caring for other people. You set off a chain reaction. People say, Huh, theyre taking their time and doing this, maybe theres something to it. So its very nice for you to set the example, especially at your age, help other people with things, and not expecting anything in return. He pauses, and then he adds, his voice even softer now, Youre quiet leaders. He is looking past the girls now, past Wilma, past this dim, sterile, hot room to another anonymous institutional roomCourtroom 6A, New Haven Superior Courthouse. Hayley went to Sunday school each week, and all the teachers wanted her in their class, as she was a natural leaderthough quiet. In Connecticut, the victims of a crime may make a victims impact statement, afrming for the record how a crime has affected their lives. It comes at the endafter the trial, after the verdict, when the sentence has already been determined. It serves no obvious legal purpose. I learned many things from Michaelas teachers after she died that I wish they had told me before. One teacher said she always made an effort to go over to someone who was ignored by others in the class. But the victims impact statement lets the record show that when Michaela Rose Petit drew her last breath in her bed, surrounded by her stuffed animals, and when Hayley Elizabeth Petit collapsed in the upstairs hall just outside her bedroom, running to try to save her family before she was overcome by smoke, and when Jennifer Lynn Hawke-Petits larynx was crushed by the hands of a stranger who had broken into her homein those horrible few minutes, the world became and would forever be a poorer place. I miss Michaela running to the door and yelling Da-Das home! On Friday nights, when she went to Great-grandmas house, she always called my cell phone and wanted to know when I would be there and what I wanted for dinner. When I arrived, she made a great show of
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Bill Petit
serving me specially and watching me eat. . . . Late in her senior year, I learned something from her friends. I heard her friends talking about WWHD and I said, What? They laughed and smiled and said, When we have a problem we say WWHD. What would Hayley do? Because that usually leads to the right answer. . . . When you are with someone twenty-six years, it takes a long time for habits to change. For months, and still on occasion, I start to think, Ill just ask Jen. . . . In the late nineties she developed strange symptoms and, as a nurse, always thought the worstshe gured she had brain cancer. When she actually found out she had MS, she was relieved, because it was treatablethough she secretly feared deteriorating and not being able to care for Hayley and Michaela. . . . What do I miss? I miss my entire family, my home, everything we had together. . . . Well this has been very, very nice. Its Wilma talking, thanking Dr. Petit and the cheery hospital administrators for having the girls from the knitting club come for a tour. Im sure the girls appreciate this. And Bill Petit stands, folds his knit cap into the pocket of his winter jacket, places his wifes hand in his, and turns up his lips in a smile. Christine warms some apple pie and spoons a blob of whipped cream on it for her husband. Outside the sliding doors, the colored lights she strung on the deck hang like planets against the black backdrop of the invisible river beyond. He sits in his chair, scooping up the pie. Its getting late, but not for him. He used to take sleep medication after the tragedy. He didnt sleep more than two hours in a night for the rst three months, but nally he found the combination of pills that numbed his brain enough that he could sleep. The problem then was, the more sleep he got, the more nightmares he had. And the deeper he slept, the greater the chance that he would wake up in the morning and, for a wonderful, terrible split-second, forget. He doesnt use the pills much anymore. They make him groggy all the next day. But he gets about ve hours most nights, which isnt terrible. Hes gotten used to just not sleeping much. But on a bad nighton a bad night hes lucky to get two or three. He keeps a few lights on in the living room all night. Petit breathes deep. In the beginning when I couldnt sleep, it was always that night, he says. In the beginning it was always late at night, since it started to happen at two or three in the morningthats when the men broke inso Id be bolt-awake at 3:00 A.M. just like clockwork, no matter what. If I hadnt fallen asleep or if I had just fallen asleep at two-thirty, Id be awake at three. And then it sorta switched to the mornings. The mornings got bad. It would just always be right in front of me. Those

7:15 P.M.

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men again, come to end the world. He holds his palm, rigid, right up to his face. Right in front of your face. Petit heard a sound coming through the oor. He was in the basement of his home, the house in Cheshire he and Jennifer had made over eighteen years. Over there was the puppet theater the girls used when they were little, to put on shows. A life-sized poster of one of the UConn womens players, one of their idols, hung next to the bulkhead door leading up to the backyard. It was all blurry. Everything. He was tied to the steel pole in the center of the basement, his hands bound to it with plastic zip ties and clothesline. He had to get out. Blood was owing into his eyes. He was a doctorthat much he could rememberand he knew that if he raised and lowered his body up and down the pole, he could keep his blood pressure up and maybe he wouldnt keep slipping into unconsciousness. Up and down, up and down, up and down. He had been taking Coumadin, a prescription blood thinner, which only made the blood gush from his head wounds faster. And he had a pacemaker, sewn into his heart a few years ago. He could barely slide his frame up the pole. No way he could take on two younger men who had a gun. If he escaped, he would crawl outside through the bulkhead door and over to Simciks, next door, where he could call for help. He had to stay alive. For hours he struggled to stay conscious, unaware of what the men upstairs were doing to his family. Thump, thump, thump. What the hell was that? He thought the thumping was the sound of the men gathering the furniture and other stuff they were going to steal, getting it ready to load into a car or something. He couldnt bring himself to imagine that it was the sound of his wife, Jennifer, being raped on their living-room oor. Hey, he groaned as loud as he could. It took all the strength he had to make a sound. His head throbbed. There was blood all over the cement basement oor, mostly from his head but also from his wrists and ankles, where the ties had cut through his skin. Dont worry, one of them yelled down. Its all going to be over in a couple of minutes. And then it was over, and there was nothing left. Even after his wounds healed, Bill Petit himself was more dead than alive. But he was not dead. And life, as it turns out, wants to live. And little miracles happen. Christine. Christine is determined to keep things light. To keep things happy, to have some fun. She understands the irony of her position, knows that if all had gone according to plan, Bill never would have married her, and that this life with her husband wouldnt exist. Which is a strange thing. But she gets that. And she never wants him to forget one minute of that life he built, that life he loved. For eighteen years he lived in the same house, slept in the same bed with the same woman. When he reached over to turn on the light by his bed, his hand knew where to go in the darkness.

These statements have not been evaluated by the Food & Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.

Life after death requires great effort, and she herself gets down sometimes, too. But Christine is also warm, and vital, and in life its just good to have someone to hold you as you sleep, you know? Before they started dating, she saw him mostly through her camera lens. Smaller than life, drifting across the frame, his lips moving as he spoke to someone on the other side of the room. I watched him for years at those events, because I had to photograph him, she says. And it was years before I could even get a smile. But then he sorta started toyou could just see things changing. Things were starting to lift just a little. And then there was this humor that was just shocking. When hes in a good mood, forget it. Which was hugely important to me. Because you dont want to be involved with someone who you cant have a normal life with. Whos not going to be fun. She tucks her feet underneath her on the chair, pulls on the sleeves of her sweater, cups her tea with both hands. She looks over and smiles at Bill. Hes done with his pie. Right? He once dreaded the inevitability of night. People have always been afraid of the dark, from the beginning, but not Bill Petit, not before the night consumed his family. But now, in the hours before bed, Petit is starting to feel the kind of calm most of us feel every night before sleep. Its a calmness he last truly felt on that warm Sunday night in 2007 when he fell asleep on the couch, tired after an afternoon in the July sun playing golf with his dad and a pasta dinner with his wife and daughters. Maybe its his supreme rationality again asserting itself, or a simple resignation to the rhythms of the day, or just maybe the blessing of a resilient heart and someone to talk to come evening, but Bill Petit is starting to face the darkness the way he used to. He reads in the living room, magazines mostly. Golf magazines, Sports Illustrated, The Week. He and Christine talk about the things couples talk aboutthat woman at the party who was so nice but just would not stop talking, and whos going to take which car tomorrow, and whether theres any pie left. He looks at Twitter on his iPad, which he nds an efcient way to follow world events. Usually the local news is on TV in the background. Sometimes they watch the end of a movie they didnt nish the night before. On this night, Christine gets tired and says its time for bedIts time for bed, she saysand her new husband walks down the hall, past the hum of the dishwasher, past the framed nger painting that Hayley did when she was little, past the small room theyll use as an ofce when Bill nishes setting it up, to the tiny bedroom in the house on the river. And he gets ready for sleep, the daily hibernation in which each of us, every night, is at our most peaceful and our most vulnerable. The nights never will be the same, but Bill Petits face is placid as he breathes in deep enough to feel the air ll his chest, lets it out slowly, reaches over to turn off the light, and closes his eyes.

The Infected
[continued from page 123] Mountain. My father ran a six-thousand-head cattle ranch. My roots go deep. He almost never speaks from scripted material, but Buffalo says that has to change, that he can no longer leave anything to chance and risk a ash of fear or anger. Somewhere in the distance he hears a siren. A police cruiser, he feels certain, though really he has no idea how to tell the difference between the wail of one compared with that of an ambulance or re truck. Regardless, someone is in trouble. Some of you might remember there was a time when the billboards at our states border read, WELCOME TO OREGON . NOW GO HOME . Many in the audience smile. It was a joke, but not really. Oregon is a treasure. And we did not want it spoiled by outsiders. Which is exactly what has happened. Weve become a havenespecially those liberal enclaves of Eugene and Portlandfor lycans. We have compromised our borders and our safety. One thing I know as a rancher, youve got to build good fences. I am introducing legislation that I hope will be approved by years end. He pauses when the cameras ash again and the reporters whisper among each other. For the moment no one speaksno one looks upall of them bent over their notebooks and laptops, writing furiously. A cell phone rings and goes unanswered. He spots the red eye of a video camera blinking at him. He stares into it. There should be absolutely no mercy shown to any lycan offenders in our state, and our legislation serves to impose the strictest standards of supervision to ensure that we are protected. Our old way of worrying about who might be offended must be radically altered to account for keeping people safe. New policies will require open minds, a willingness to do things differently, more strictly. The expense to some will be to the benet of many. This state can benchmark the nations policies. And to those who think my goals are too high, too extreme, I say, you aint seen nothing yet. He doesnt eld questions. When he escapes up the stairs, he can hear every one of their voices calling after him. The sky is closing down and dark is coming. Its that time when the day isnt really gone but isnt really here. Augustus escorts Chase to his home in Keizer, a white neocolonial with black shutters. He does not entertain visitors, so the walls are as white and bare now as they were the day he moved in, the rooms mostly empty except for an Ikea table and chairs in the dinette, a couch set before a wide-screen television in the living room, a mattress and box spring in the master suite upstairs. The basement remains unnished, the ceiling bare studs, the walls cinder block, the oor a sloping concrete with a central drain. Three naked lightbulbs offer meager light. Augustus stuffed the recessed windows with insulation and covered them with ply-

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wood to mufe the sound and prevent anyone from peering inside. He hired a security rm to install a steel cage, its panels built out of heavy-duty six-gauge wire welded at every wire contact point. The swinging door is hinged with anged head bolts and tted with an industrial padlock made with a casehardened alloy steel shackle. A garden hose runs from the industrial sink into a coil on the oor. Later, he will use it to spray away the shit and piss and blood, the foaming tide of it swirling down the central oor drain. Chase pauses before the cage and says, I hate this, and Augustus says, I know, and puts a hand on his shoulder to show his support and encourage him forward. Take off your clothes, Augustus says. You dont want to ruin them like the last time. It is not that he grows larger. It is that he soils himself in excitement, claws himself in agitation. Chase peels off his uniform and tosses it into a ball outside the cage. Thin scars crosshatch his shoulders and chest where the claw marks healed over. His left forearm is a lumpy mass of reddish scar tissue. The door clicks shut and the padlock snaps into place and Augustus settles into the aluminum folding chair and adjusts his glasses and rests his hands on his knees like a theater patron who waits for the lights to dim, the curtains to part. Every night, he transforms. Augustus demands it. To get it out of his system and exhaust his body. To normalize it, control it. Transformation does not come easily, he has told Augustus, every bone seeming to break, his skin crawling with angry wasps. He cries out and falls to the oor. His body contorts itself as if run through with electricity. From what Augustus has read, this will get easier over time, like a nerve deadened by repeated blows. This never would have happened, Augustus says under his breath, if you had just listened to me. As if in response, Chase hurls himself against the bars of the cage. He would have made a ne berserker, Augustus thinks, those Norse lycans who so long ago worked themselves into a frenzy, transforming before battle and ghting in a savage trance. This would take time, months maybe, but Augustus, as a boy, owned several dogs, and with discipline and patience they all learned to fetch his slippers and shit outside. He has no doubt the same will be true of Chase. Isnt that right, old friend? Chase circles his enclosure. His arms lash at nothing but air. His teeth snap together as though chattering out some code. He presses his face, wild-eyed and misshapen and split by a fanged grin, against the cage. There is a fridge in the corner, and Buffalo withdraws from it a package of raw hamburger. He tears off the plastic and crushes his ngers into the bloody mess. He molds tiny red balls and tosses them into the cage and, with a peculiar little smile, watches Chase devour them, one after another.
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Leonardo DiCaprio
[continued from page 113] made in regard to Gatsbyand the decisions that he makes as the head of his production company, Appian Wayare in keeping with the decisions he began making when he was still a child. Whats changed is his degree of power; as Warner Brothers president Jeff Robinov says, I dont know of a movie that Leo has wanted to make that hasnt been made. And yet the agonizing decision of whether or not to make a movie that requires you to be attractive does not seem, on the surface, to be the kind of decision that would make a man of you. Has Leo ever had to make any other kind of decisions? Has he had to make the kind of choices that most people make routinely in the course of their livesagonizing choices unrelated to the dictates of art and fame? Or was the die cast, when he, as a boy, as a child, chose to do exactly what he does now? There have been a lot of other choices, he says. But you have to understandin this industry there are a lot of other people who are passionate about becoming actors. You wonder who you are going to become. Youre not even a formed man, and you try to decide whats going to become of you for the next eight or nine years. And I always thought of myself as the underdog because I didnt have nice enough clothes or maybe my hair didnt look good. And so you have to understand getting your foot in the door is like winning the lottery. Its literally like winning the lottery if you get to have a career. And Ive always felt Okay, now Ive gotten this shot, and Im lucky to have gotten this shot, and if I dont do this to the best of my abilityif I dont work my ass off and make a life of itIve squandered this incredibly golden opportunity. And thats always been what has propelled me. He is saying, in essence, that yes, the die was cast. He is also saying that as a very young man he had more responsibility for himself than many men do after theyve ostensibly grown up. His life raises not only the possibility that the experience we regard as infantilizingthe experience of extreme celebritymight provide as legitimate a route to manhood as the experience of disappointment and suffering; it raises the possibility that manhood, as an arbiter of meaning, barely matters. Ask Clint Eastwood why Leonardo DiCaprio is a ne actor and he answers in three words: He enjoys it. And ask Leo himself, after he cracks his neck, how he answers his own question What makes me really happy?and he responds as though the answer has been selfevident all along: I think Im doing it! One day, in 2010, Leo DiCaprio expanded the purview of the decisions he had to make. He still had to ask himself what movies to make and what model to date. But he also had to decide what species to save. He called Carter Roberts, the president of the World Wildlife Fund, and asked him to come to L. A. Roberts went. They met at a restaurant in Hollywood, and we have this long lunch talking about the magic of having a champion for the cause of
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every animal. DiCaprio wanted to champion the tiger. He grew up in L. A. He used to go down to the La Brea tar pits to look at sabertoothed tigers drowned and preserved in tar and wonder how such creatures had disappeared from the earth; he used to go to the Natural History Museum and try to think of something else he wanted to do besides become a famous actor. And now that he is a famous actor, he doesnt just like tigers; he thinks a world without themor a world in which they only live in zooswould be a fucking nightmare. Whats at stake is not simply the fate of the tigerbut of wildness itself. World leaders, says Carter Roberts, like Vladimir Putin, like the king of Bhutan, and like Leo, see a little of themselves in tigers. Theyre at the top of the food chain, theyre killers, and theyre incredibly good-looking. Whats not to like? Guy goes to Leos house to make him a coffee. The guys name is Todd Carmichael. Hes an adventurer who has set records for wilderness trekking and who develops coffee farms in very remote and impoverished parts of the world. He spawns little economies by buying the coffee, roasting and selling it. He also believes that every man should have his animal. Carmichaels animal is the Indonesian orangutan. When he heard that one of Leonardo DiCaprios animals is the Sumatran tiger, he gave him a call. I thought that the conversation would last two minutes. But it kept going and going, and by the end we had a product. I said, Im going to make you a coffee. He did not mean that he was going to grind beans and pour hot water through them. He meant that he was going to create a coffee for Leonardo DiCaprio. DiCaprio would put his name on it, and Carmichael would sell it under his brand name, La Colombe, with all prots going to the Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation. The coffee would be called Lyon. But rst DiCaprio had to approve it. So Carmichael went out to L. A. to have lunch with Leonardo DiCaprio and create a Leonardo DiCaprio taste prole. The lunch took place at DiCaprios house. The food was brought in. Carmichael offered different kinds of foods to DiCaprio and noted whether or not he liked them. Id give him some frise, and hed shake his head. And Id say, So no bitters? No, no bitters. No way, frise! In many ways, it was the quintessential Leonardo DiCaprio experience. It was kingly. It occurred in the house where he feels comfortable. It was for a cause, but it allowed him to exert control. Lyon coffee would exist as an expression of both his generosity and his ongoing efforts of discrimination. And he has to do nothing but lend it his Leo-ness, knowing his Leo-ness is enough. And so Carmichael bought the coffee and roasted the beans, and when DiCaprio tasted it, he was amazed at how perfectly it captured him. I felt like a genius, Carmichael says. He acts in his chair in the hotel conference room. He performs. He cant stop himself any more than he can stop himself from being what

Baz Luhrmann calls attractive. He is sitting in his chair, talking about his compulsion to collect old stuffeverything from bones to original movie postersin an effort to see reports from an unltered world, untouched by the hands of media and fame. And he says that, for him, the ultimate unltered world is the ruin of Pompeii. You have to go, dude. You have to wake up and go early in the morning, when nobody is there, when there are no tourists around, and see the molds these people made in the ash at the moment they died, two thousand years ago. Theyre captured for all time in all these campy Nosferatu poses of death . . . and now Leonardo DiCaprio, in his chair, begins performing, begins assuming these campy Nosferatu poses of death, curling up on himself, bringing his hands to his face, enfolding his cheeks with his long ngers, looking for all the world like a silent-lm star himself as he mimics the awe and terror of a woman holding her baby in what she knows is the last moment of real life. He never really stops performing after that. Hes excited; hes an enthusiast; he likes to tell you where to go and what things to see. Hes returned to L. A. after two years of making movies, and though he feels more comfortable with himself than ever before, hes also trying to decide whether or not to take a vacation. Hes just cracked his neck and has just talked about asking himself what it takes for him to be happy. Now he goes onIm talking about in any situation in life. In anything that might come up. I have a production company, I have a foundation, I have a lot of responsibilities. Not familyjust a lot of responsibilities. But things take care of themselves when youre gone. Then you come back, and its like, You gotta be here, you gotta be there, you gotta do this, you gotta sign that, you gotta read scripts, you gotta go to the photo shoot, you gotta do the interview, you have meetings, this person needs you, that person wants you, and its like, Wait a second, can I just please . . . take a breath? And he keeps going like this, keeps talking faster and faster until hes a little out of breath, theatrically out of breath, and then he raises his hands again to his face like a longdead silent-lm star acting out the agonized ending of the long-dead inhabitants of an ancient Roman city, and with his lungs pumping like bellows he suddenly says Oh, shit! And stops. You really need to try his coffee. Its made from beans grown in Haiti, Peru, Brazil, and Ethiopia, and all its proceeds will go to the Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation. But you really need to taste it, because its him in some kind of distilled essence. Its not bitter. Its not sweet. Its not, well, anything really, except a rounded feeling in your mouth, a space where other tastes may grow, a presence dened by an absence. Its incredibly soft but also exquisitely confrontationalyoull have to decide what you think about it. Youll have to decide whether its the Leonardo DiCaprio youve seen in the dark room or the Leonardo DiCaprio who lives in the light of day.

Politics
[continued from page 96] criticism slide off his back, this is not a president who suffers attacks on his people idly. By standing by them, he keeps them from becoming symbols, the way Lani Guinier became a symbol, because the people who should have had her back allowed the other people to make one out of her. More to the point, this is a president who has spent his life living both his personal and professional lives in a universe of extraneous noise. By all accounts, he simply doesnt hear it anymore. And if that occasionally makes him oblivious to the fact that extraneous noise can have substantial consequences, as I believe it has during the prolonged stalemates over what should be done with the countrys economy, it also makes for a kind of steady focus that makes the president look even more anomalous in our current political culture than he already is. Keep calm and carry on, indeed. Especially in the face of nutbags who have declared themselves the last line of defense between the Constitution and the Kenyan. All of which brings us to the strange case of Susan Rice, who may be the exception that proves the rule. Its important to remember that Rice never really was nominated for the job of secretary of state. Its also important to remember that the entire opposition to her candidacy was based on things shed said about the attack on the American consulate in Benghazi on various Sunday panel shows, which somehow had become hallowed by a kind of oath among the chattering classes. The same group of senators who later would come at Hagel used the Benghazi incident to cut up Rice as a means of attacking the president. And it worked. The president, who at one point suggested that if people like Lindsey Graham and John McCain wanted to go after someone, they should go after me, accepted Rices withdrawal from consideration for a job for which she never had been nominated formally. For herself, Rice told The Washington Post that shed withdrawn her name to keep a long, drawn-out nomination battle from hamstringing the administrations second term right at its beginning. If my nomination meant that the odds of getting comprehensive immigration reform passed or any other major priority were substantially reduced, she said, I couldnt live with myself. Back in 1993, once her nomination was savaged into splinters, Lani Guinier disappeared from Washington politics. She continued to do great work. If the country would listen to her on proportional voting, a number of problems with the way we run our elections would disappear. But among the elites, she existed only as the personication of something else. At the beginning of this past March, however, the rumors began in earnest about whom the president was preparing to appoint to replace Tom Donilon as his national security advisor. The overwhelming favorite was Susan Rice.
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THINGS THIS MAGAZINE CAN DO THAT TELEVISION CANT


BY ROSS McCAMMON

Always on mute.

Kill roaches dead. >

Every last one of the various profanities.

Maybe not that one.

Yellow pants for men. (We know!)

< Make-believe telescope.

300 dpi

Not expressly forbidden by the Amish. >

Alison Brie. Oh, wait . . .

The Liberator: Never stop exploring. (See page 161.)

< Perfect raviolis every time.

Pages and pages and pages and pages of words. Blah blah blah. Christ.

Scherenschnitte, the German art of paper cutting. Lets see: a paper Eiffel Tower, a paper sunset . . . Ooh, a little paper kitty staring at a little paper mockingbird on a little paper branch. Naughty kitty! (Maybe thats just us.)
I L LU ST R AT I O N S BY J O E M c K E N D R Y

Actual journalism. Then option it to the movies.

Only a minor tragedy if it falls on the oor. >

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