--"Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry because I always ba ck up my rage with documented sources.

" - The Credible Hulk --"You're no help," he told the lime. This was unfair. It was only a lime; there was nothing special about it at all. It was doing the best it could. --Dad, what are books? --Look it up on the internet son. --haiku are made of --Five syllables then seven --Then end with five more. --haiku are easy --But sometimes they don't make sense --Refrigerator --Any moron can --write haiku. Just stop at the --seventeenth sylab --When i read haiku --I hear them in my head as --HAL 9000's voice --some haiku i read --end so abruptly that i --think the author died --You know, statistically speaking, six out of seven dwarves aren't Happy. --Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says,"You drive, I'll man t he gun." --Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. --Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly, and for the same rea son. --To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. --How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On m y desk, I have a work station.. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, th ey can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? --Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, no tify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do? The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. --Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but ch eck when you say the paint is wet? The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in

trouble. --Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you --will have the element of surprise. --Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for M iss America? --You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive t wice. --Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen. --I used to be indecisive. Now I'm just not sure. I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused. --When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usuall y uses water. --Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? --With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. --Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be. --Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. --Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. --"I think I have split personalities," said Tom, being frank. --"That's Irish timber," Tom opined. --"Oh no, I dropped the toothpaste!" said Tom, crestfallen. --"They escorted the criminals downstairs," Tom said condescendingly. -- I manufacture table tops, said Tom counterproductively.

--No matter how old you are, no matter how tough you think you are, if a toddler hands you a toy ringing phone...You answer it. --Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential. --We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. --When Life gets harder...you must have just leveled up. --Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I migh t have this wish I wish tonight: I wish...you --weren't an airplane. --If Tetris has taught me one thing, it's that errors pile up while accomplishme

nts disappear. The Days Are Just Packed (Calvin & Hobbes) Tomorrow's just a future yesterday. --If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance. is out of his mind right now. Please leave your name and number after the beep.. ... *BEEP* karma called, he said not to worry, he has got something for you and he'll find YOU! --I have not lost my mind. I know exactly where I left it. --"You think you've got it bad!? You should try walking in my shoes! I'm not sa ying I'm worse off, they're just really comfy --and may cheer you up!" --At least once in our life, we all have tried to balance the light switch in be tween the on and off position. --I can jump higher than mountains. You see, mountains can t jump. I ve never met an air conditioned room I did not like. You don t have to tell me I m negative. I no. --Never trust a dog to watch your food. --Arguing with auto-correct is the new yelling at the television --Bacon and eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, Sorry, we don t serve breakfa st. Watch out! It s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven t been made yet. --The reason it s hard to legislate morality is because first you have to find a m oral legislator. Kleptomaniacs always take things literally. --After reading this sentence you will realize that the the brain doesn t recogniz e a second the. Now you re-read it to see if --that s true. --The USA should invade the USA and win the hearts and minds of the population b y building roads, bridges and putting locals to --work. --I don t like it when people can t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me. I wish I could commute by roller-coaster If there are no jobs, then either not having a job has to become respectable, or there will be riots --"There's no need to panic. Do it because it's FUN!" --Anything not related to elephants is irrelephant.

--Loki: "I have an army!" Tony Stark: "We have a Hulk!" --Everyone knows that auctions speak louder than words - that's because of the a uction-ears. And it's still the one place where you can still get something for nodding, Though of course you do have to stay to the bidder end. --Mixed nuts are just cashews with obstacles. -- A Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. --The voices in my head keep telling me not to listen to the voices in my head. I don't know whether to listen to them or not... --Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. that way, if he gets ma d at you, he's a mile away and barefoot. --When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? --Scientists may come, and scientists may go, but Ampere's name will always be c urrent. Gravity is Law- break it and you will be brought down! --186,000 miles/second- it's not just a good idea, it's the LAW! Resistance is Futile (If < 1 ohm) I have some books on electricity, but none of them are current. --Does a light year have fewer calories than a regular year? --A photon gets to his hotel, and the bellhop asks him if he can get his luggage . The photon answers: "No thanks, I'm travelling light." --Math Problem? John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28 of them. What does he have now? Well, it's not a MATH problem... --Math problems... the only place where "John has 60 canteloupes" doesn't make someone say, "What the heck is he doing with --60 canteloupes?" --Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]. --Math Problem: A high school math teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a --protractor and a graphical calculator. Ac cording to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebr a --network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. --NOBODY circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills! He wants to be called "Stormageddon, Ruler of All" -- Before the Wright Brothers invented the airplane, anyone wanting to fly anywh ere was required to eat 200 pounds of helium. During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits , forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice. Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivit y, and dying of radioactivity.

--The square root of rope is string. --This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of a lmost certain death, smooth jazz will be --deployed, in three... two... one... There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the U niverse is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced b y something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which st ates that this has already happened. -Douglas Adams There are some oddities in the perspective with which we see the world. The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas cove red planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be -Douglas Adams --Next on Head Line News: Corduroy Pillows! --A closed mouth gathers no foot --Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. --It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as a n Airport' appear. - Douglas Adams --Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup. --Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. --I don t eat nuts. That would be cannibalism. --Can the guys that cart crazy people to the looney bin be considered lug nuts? --I'm not nuts! I've been promoted to CONDIMENTS! --Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo does not have 100 different words for s now. They do, however, have 234 words for fudge. --The square root of rope is string --The problem with bluetooth headsets is you can't just assume people are crazy anymore for talking to themselves. --Everything is edible, some things are only edible once. --A closed mouth gathers no foot. --If people could read minds, and two people were reading each others minds, wou ldn't they be reading their own minds? --Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the ex perience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. Mama always told me not to look into the eyes of the Sun. But Mama...that's whe

re the fun is! --If I could have one superpowwer it would be to literally smack sense into peop le. --Insanity doesn't run in my family...it gallops. Microscope (def'n): 1/1,000,000th of a mouthwash. Phone (def'n): 1,000,000 microphones. --Megaphone (def'n): 1,000,000,000,000 microphones. Clones are people two. Entropy isn't what it used to be. Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Editing is a rewording activity. Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate superfluous redundancy. --If you are a complete pessimist, does it mean you are positively negative? What do you get if you buy crayons for your children, or grandchildren? ... A gi ft to make your kin scrawl. Forbidden fruit creates many jams. Ok, so what's the speed of dark? Where are we going? And why are we in this hand basket? --At the other end of the valley lived the less likable dwarves who worked the m ine's night shift: Gassy, Itchy, Sweaty, Sticky, Touchy, Forgetful and Chuck. --We re all mature and professional until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap. Silly barber, always puts my superman cape on backwards. --Lazy fact #254946156, You were too lazy to read that number You know you re getting old when caution is the only thing you exercise. I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn t the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium. --Whose cruel idea was it for the word Lisp to have a S in it?

I chose the road less traveled. Now, where the hell am I? --I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is bro ken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough..

--The Grocer's dictionary defines Avocado's Number as the number of molecules in a guacaMOLE. Ever wondered why there s no window in the airplane s toilet? Because, really, who s g oing to see in? Every time I start to achieve the Great American Dream, my alarm clock goes off and I wake up. Spelling is a lossed art. There aren t many passengers on this train of thought. I have no one to blame but everyone else. The honest weatherman; I am wrong. Today s forecast is bright and sunny with an 80% chance that

--Society needs both optimists and pessimists. For example, an optimist invented the airplane while a pessimist invented the parachute. Sometimes I bring maracas to a meeting just to shake things up. Z is the last letter in the alphabet because it overslept. You can t have everything where would you put it?

Seriously, it s 2011, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to te xt during shower. --I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let s not rush into things.