IS!

9DCI1SH
I could 91 Ua pub and tell you
a the thlngs that are Wtten
D this book bu you wouldn't
D0 Dsn. It"s btr for
both of us U 1 spend my tlme
hiding In bushes waiting to
spray Utle pictures on other
people's property.
Noby ever UStened t me BI
\ t t t w teir
fault. Eventul 1 t
b It w the fact 1 ws
boring ad pid Uwas the
problem. But you find that people
who know you Dj Dten to a
. word you ], even thoug they'll
happily take as gospel the word
of a they've never met DIt's
on a ^P or L a book. U you
W | ss some and have
people listen then you have to
a mask. UQ V U be
honest then you have Vlive a lie.
Being yourself Is overrated
q. It doesn't help. People
S 'I'm just being myself' U
that's some Z of fuck
achievement. That's not an
achievement, that's not hones\
it's Lack pf V on and
cowadice.'
Last year tere was a story on
the news tat went 'P ma
arrested DCentral London t
ws found t be crover a
hundred British passports,
twen\ birth certificates and
more than three hundred
drlng Ucenses. II0 ss they
have not yet been able to
Identfy the man ... '
TPa1m1iODu nes; fo, slep, ad f0V0]6
BmGC.T Gm.0}mSm,H
A 8 a WV suf f tr wrk.
But wh so fff prepa VV8V UW'
Kee
p
i
t
rea
l
KeepIng It real
Once upon a time, there was a
kIng who Ped 8 great and
gloMous nation. Favour.t.
amongst his 8U8Cts was the
cu painter of whom he wa
very proud. EveD
this wlzzened old |M
the greatest pictures U the
whole km and the k1
would spend hour each day
gazing at them U wonde.
However, one day dlrty ad
dishevelled stranger presented
himself at the court claiming
that ! ft Dewas the greatest
painter In the I8uC The lnd.g
nant Xdecreed a competltlon
would be held between the IwO
artists, confident It would teach
the vagabond an embrasslg
lesson. Within O month they
weN! both to produce a picture
so glorlous It would mke W
men cry.
After thir days of working
fever1shly day and nt, both
ats were ready. They pla
their pa.lnttngs, mhldden |a
cloth, on eels U the 08DtP8 O
the g hal of te cUe. A
the Jarge crowd stralned V sce,
the kng OIO6I+C the cloth V be
pulled nrst from the court
Artlst"S easel. Everyone gsped
1D them wa revealed a
wonderfUl scne - @ table 88l
WlDafeat !for kng, at te
centre of which was an O
sliver bowl D of exotio fruits
gstenlng moistly J the w
1igbt. the crowd ged a-
t, a spr perched D@up
on the rafters of the IU
swooped down and hungil
tried t snatch one of the grapes
frm the | bowl only V
hit t cnvas a fal down
dead with shock at the of

'&|' excled the Y!Dg. 'N

at L producd a |!
so wonderful It has OO!6C
Nature herself, surely you must
ae that he Is the greatest
painter who ever lived?' But the
vagabond said nothing and
stared solemnly 8! his feet.
'Now, pull the blanket from )OUP
QaiDtiDgand let us see whatyu
Iavofor us; cmedthoKing. But
the IP8Q 10uauoO motionless
and sad DOIUDg. GrowIng
impatient, IUC K stepped 1OP
wa s.nd reached out t gab
the blanket only fNeze In
horror a the last moment.
'0 see,' whiSpered te trap
quietly, 'there Is 1 blt
oovertng te palnting. T u
gjust Opalntng of a clth
ol a pg And whereas
your U 8 u merly
oontent U Nae, I've made
t Kng of t Whole OU
lo k m a clueless little cunt'.
B: M In a pub
P
*

Wc8uMrMm
F "
I
W.,
'
(
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-
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O ~ '
Pple Omthat cuttlng stuff up
U destructlve but It's actual y
very creative to do U
you're m loads of new
S
Ou W frst of work a a
pork butcer the W showed
a side mU said 'Jt
O te a | you trea
U '. He then J off
@ of the r1b cae with a swing
of D cleaver, threw It W a
polystyrene t pulled b
cellophane tigtl around it,
!O It off his knee and
threw It over his shoulcer Into a
LU0I.
It tued out he hadn't had a
grlfrlend for O two years.
a troubled brldge over water.
Southbank, Lonaon.

61W

Bridge painting In murder mile,
Hackney. Supposedly a area
W\h more shootings per head
tn Soweto. I was oonCII'Ied
the piece wa 8bit to muc I
a legtJmat. sig and told. my
mate i thought It went over
people's heads. 'It's not tt It
goes over people's heads: he
said, 'It's just that they all
fcking ducked'.

.
\
9 i8! K
Le most people I have afatasy U the little powerless
loser W gang up together. " a the mFwlget some
good equipment and then the underd W go oved
and thls cit ap.
0
Rat called 1 because they'l do anU Survive_
i made the mIstae of painting a r on Ofont of a small
;ewelry shop once. It tued out the guy w a big time fenc for
all kInds of shit. He tld the neigbours he ha been D a
gass by some fa he'd never heard of ad both hs S were
out tI t fnd tem and oh J.
Everyone seemed U Dthis very funy.
D ZDD
It was a warm October evening
when i ]p the fence UU
central park U Barcelona
th:ee o'clock U the mor.
What i didnt :ease untll then
wa the park which houses the
roo Is a home t the Ce
parliament. It Is excptionl
well lit, peppered with security
cameras and patrolled by
armed Guardia Civil U high
powered jeeps.
I w creeping through the
bshes a the eSe of the park
when the nrst patrol tok me by
surprise ad I dived into the
sh rubber a bit too late. The jeep
slowed to a stop lOOn away and
crouched CW trying Vbreath
quietly, with my b against the
outer fence of the zoo.
Ater a few moments no-one got
out. Nothing happened. I wa
wondering 1f they were waiting
for back up or had missed me
altogether.
Zoo's are strange ples at
nigt, the animals make a lot of
demented noises. Some sound
like bies crying and some try
V rtle their caes off their
h
s.
A 1 cruched in m position,
footsteps approahed from
behind. I wn't 8 uSpaish
oops used thei guns on people
rn away. The steps on the
other side of the fence came
ver close and I could now hear
heavy breat. I tured t
look throUl the fnce but It
w cvered in so much Iv I
oouldn't see a thing.
The fear w prperly on me. U
D mind forming a stry
about how I w a penniless
traveller with no hotel room
sieepinS roUin the park, and
t I alwas caried 12 cans of
sprt, a clbing rope and
stenc1ls wt me. I held my
breath. p the Ivy leaves,
and cae eyeball U eyebll
with a fucking huge kantaroo.
At which point very nearly
shit myself.
After a few minutes the Guardia
jeep st up and drove awa
aoross TE park. I orawled
further down the fence ad lay
against a tree, smokIng a
cigarette and sm1ling at my
stupidity. But a few moments
later a loud hissIng noise
brougt me rud. 1 looked
down the fence and heard
another hisslng noise ad then
saw a jet of water shoot out
from beind a bush. Before I
had a c t move, a met
sprinkler m fe exloded
ad spr cold waer a over
m,.
I tok off m tr and U
V W the water out m them
tgIt was time t go home.
But as I C C U with a
le I remembered a story i
h re on the plane In my
pok guide to the Cuba
revolution. I described how
Jesus b Ol h rushed
Into a raio stn U V del
Rio In broad dayl1gt cr a
J stick of dt U one
h a pistl L te othe
Ar removing the ruse he
Smbcaugt Won ti.
Strppd to D ut. WU
s D on D @, he
Ihed out Into the street,just a
the b blew up, cming faoe
to fae wth a pliceman. Luck1ly
for L the sh policema
re 8 Then, still wa h1s
pistol he I down the street ad
leapt It an old woman's house.
She happened to oe a reoel
sympathiseI' and h1d ad ta
his wounc untll he could be
smug out of te provlnc&.
] 1 Pu this stry and won
dered wh l1fe eJwe,s seemed to
be happenlng to someone else.
But It taugt me wha.t you W
able to aeve without J\
trousers on. YU DV minutes
I h 0 D both fences B
Inslde the zo .
British zoo's helpfully have
pictures of the m on a
L a the front ot eah en
closure. Blona zo doesn't U
th and I don't know a.ny
Spaish 6 I wa t extra
br enter1n8 each pen. I
w m a speed putng up
taS on the penguin, g,
bison and gazelle enclosures
before reaching my ultimate
deston - the elephant house.
A Spsh kid h tra.ns1a. ted
'Lugh now but one da we'll be
U cge' for me O a small
piece of paper. I got the pt
out redy U 9V 1 J
foot D a-like hand
writing across the U W,
only V reae I no longer h
th pleoe of pr Cr
next to M huge pile of dung l
mind froze up.
i c order ler In Spaish but
not much else. I couldn't even
t of how you would WU
'Help us' In any Ie oter
th Engish. So crouched
there gett1ng more ad more
miserable. For the next twenty
muutes 1 went throug. 8 te
possibilities, includin wrltlns
stuff In English, but |0| seemed
a LIt rude. checked my watch
for the tenth time and then
!D tis was l best option
- \ off the time in classic
Jaouse style 1H.
so I weJ u five U of fa
bl, scrawl t or every
ale surfa of t eUre e
closure. Then 0away quiety.
The (ollowing aon I didn't
any phots m th elephat
encloure. Emer cleaer
h been w had on it. It's
a very 1feeli you ge
when the ony people with good
phots of your work the
poliee department.
L
Some people thougt a picture of
Queen NDV gett1ng LC out
O DIt rude U paJnt
:domi around U city. So I dd
qU a fe then tey
, prtt quicly. But one of
, w on the sht O 8
sp U sells V crp seven
d8ys a wek. T don't shut
UU D o'c 8 nigt and
only the do the shutters oome
don. This given the stencil 8
8 of e.dult.-nly r It
never getS U before the nne
o'cloc ware.
Tere's notng more del8
O someone who wants to make
the world a better I3
I
Mabe ever w be OK Btere won't b a wa
I
I
It's stre U the favut d C1
homeless people I cle DU.
Policemen and security
guards always wear hats
wt a peak that comes dow
low over their eyes.
Apparently this Is a psycho
lOgical technique because
eyebrows are \ePy eX-
pressive, they let you down if
you're lying or trying to
bully somebody. You have far
more authority D you keep
them covered up.
The advat.age of this is that
it makes \! 00I for \U
average cop U soo ag
more t six foot m the
ground. Which Is why
painting roofps dLmg88
Is so eay.
3am, San Francisco, Haight Street. By
dribbU a c of p.t fm t.he tp of a
b I me W dubious looking rope and
ten stnCilled M ctr uerea. Ar.
gt up the W escape V drop a t, m
grl on lookout produced a camera, leant over
for an aion shot and suddenly there was a
huge flash of br1 t white llgt because she
forgot to tur her flash off. She shOUts 'SH
I'I SOOO SORY' very loudly. The bouncers
outside club do on the street lOOK up, one
of t points a us, a gu wa D dg
stops t lok up a ten a o pul U ad
the dver leas out the Window V se what
the fuss Is 8 about a st shoutJng W
Spanish and beeping his hor. A the time I
kJ of that phrase 'hlp hop Is not a
spectator sport'.
QTuesday I went round Sa
?clsoo dessed 1overals
deslga.ttng ls.rge pa of It
a legal graffitt areas.
T nely aof
:e h ben a4usted by
c" workers with a simple
! of psnt t mean the
exa opposit.
1'
.lS
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BIDD
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6BwI C.~(W , Tq
Ca I cme OD W81DO1ODP Oh O nw pleae?
LD Ws8Q|EmQo8UoQp
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WMb2t
3liberation of Wdeat cP. Bergen-Bewen.
,
gve no adequate dlscr1ptlon nOWeV81' , no easy V watch
of the HOITOr C&mp W which my child choking to death from
men and mself were to spend dlptheMa when you kew O
the Dx month of OU llves. It tracheotomy and nursing would
w just a br W1 ldel'Iess, a save It, one saw wome dw
D chlckn 1. Cs lng In their vom.1t be
Iy everywhere, some | huge they wee U weak to Dovel' ,
plies, sometimes they I s and men e worms a they @
01 In w U h clutched B U lo m bread
Iw purly they DUV
It tok l1tLle time to get use to
seeing men women and childan
collapse you w b them
ad to restrain oneself from
going to their asslstce. On
had to get used early to the Idea
that the indlvldual juat did not
count. One knew that five
hundred a da wel'e dying
O nva hundred a de were
going on d for W bfor
6 we culd U would
have the sllgtest e . I w,
uWOP8U llve and no could
scarcely tell the dtffsl'ence.
Piles of corpses, naed and
obsoene, with a woman too weak
to stad proping herself agaJnst
them as she COked the food we
h gven her over an ope fre;
men and women crouching down
Just anywhere In the open
relieving themselves of the
dysnl which wa scouring
U bowls, a woman standing
stark naked washing herself
with some issue soap In water
from a U In which the
remains of a cfoated.
It was shoI'y ar the Brttlsh
J Cross arrtved, though It
have no cn, 1 a
J.e Quat of lipstick
arrived. T w not 8awhat
we men wanted, we were
screaming for hundreds and
thousands m other t and I
don't know who asked for
llpsUck, I wish so D that I
could discovor who did it, itm
the action of gen!ous, sheer
unadulterated briliance. I
believe nothing did more for
those Interees than the
lipstick. Women lay In D WU
no sheet ad no n1tle but
with scrlet ^ lips, you saw
them wandeI1ng about with
nothing but a 1over teir
shoulders, but with scarlet red
lips. I saw a woman dead on the
post mortem table and clutched
In heI' hand was a piece of
lipstick. At last someone m
done somethig to me them
individuals again, they wel
someone, 1 10ngeI' meely the
y Q on O . At
lat they culd tke an Ist
In thelI' appearance. That
IIpstlck s to gve thom
back thelI' humait y.
7 oOwt fm lO9 Oa O
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