Documentos de Académico
Documentos de Profesional
Documentos de Cultura
1
It does seem that strange jobs run in the family: My
grandfather owned a gold and diamond mine in South
Africa My uncle was bodyguard to the king. His party
trick was to bend a florin in his fingers, or to smash a
coconut with flexing his biceps. My other uncle was a
stunt double for Ronald Coleman, the actor. Until falling
off a train, which proceeded to run over him, he lost both
legs. So in many senses I took on the strange or unusual
as my normality.
At birth, like my mother, I had been born wearing a veil.
This is a flap of skin covering the face, quite rare in this
day and age. Folk belief being that a person so born can
see through the mortal veil to the other side. I don’t know
whether this is true or not, but from a young age I can
remember seeing people, which ‘weren’t there’. I
suppose most people would say ‘imaginary friends’ They
would show me things, sometimes like a postcard or
picture, sometimes I would hear them tell me names or
such like, other times I would feel what they were trying
to give me, or even sometimes taste the exact thing they
were describing.
Often time’s people would come to visit my dad and I
would tell them things that ‘my friend’ would say or tell
them about the things they had shown me. Always they
would look totally astounded. I think it was this look of
astonishment and a box of David Nixon magic that took
me along the magicians’ pathway.
My own spirit guide I have been told on numerous
occasions by different mediums throughout the world
looks like a druid but had something to do with medicine
‘a medieval doctor’
Maybe it was due to this that I first sought out a career in
medicine. Maybe I just wanted a good wage!
2
Starting school, I found easy, because I would know the
answers to the questions, this did lead into all kinds of
trouble, being blamed as an exceptional child, or being
blamed as a cheat. I soon progressed and gained
qualifications by the shed load!
It didn’t give me personal satisfaction. That is where the
magic started.
I learned about Harry Houdini. His fascination with locks
and mechanics and found myself drawn down similar
pathways.
Even into de-bunking mediums!
I still now today, find sometimes there are conflicts
between the two sides. My rational self, trying to come to
a logical explanation of the things I say and do. My inner
self, screaming out what Houdini was told many times:
Believe.
3
TALES OF A FUNNY WORLD
Dynamite Dave
4
The wire trailing away some hundred yards to the
ignition box and the winner of the competition, now with
sweating palms as there five minutes of fame approached
quickly.
Then the big countdown from ten to zero.
Down went the ignition plunger.
BANG up went the box, debris flying everywhere!
Smoke, and as the smoke began to lift standing, where
seconds before the coffin had been in the middle of the
field. Dynamite Dave! The crowd went wild, cheering
clapping, and shouting. Amongst this entire clamour
Russell Harty the intrepid reporter ran forward saying,
“How do you feel? Tell the viewers how you feel after
being blown up.”
Grabbing the mike in still shaking hands, smoke
billowing from his boiler suit, covered in grime and dirt.
He shouted those immortal words. “Desperate…
FU****G desperate!”
After many years of travelling the world with this act,
many bookers decided that their audience had seen it so
the bookings began to dry up. Then came phase two. Our
hero bought a human cannon ball act. This consisted of a
cannon fitted onto the back of a truck. The performer
would slide down the barrel, then would be fired about
fifty feet into a waiting net!
A definite crowd puller and crowd pleaser.
The publicity was printed and off it went for a few
seasons more.
The only problem was this had been made for a lady, a
slim lady. Of about five feet two and approximately ten
stone maximum. Our hero was over six foot and
approaching eighteen stone! At nearly every show
ground he went to it started great. Setting the net,
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marking out distances etc. and sometimes a trial run of
putting a sack inside and shooting it at the net. Then.
Calamity.
Oh dear! Something is wrong with the firing mechanism,
its not working. Off he would go to the show organizers,
and woefully inform them that he would not be able to
perform this death-defying feat!
Panic.
What were the bookers going to do now; they had spent a
small fortune in advertising, on radio in the paper etc.
Well, so as to avoid disappointment, and the crowd going
home disappointed. It just so happens that the old act of
the exploding coffin is still in the van! Maybe he could
rig the explosives from the cannon into this. Just an idea.
The numbers of thankful committeemen that now were in
attendance. What a remarkable man what a great idea.
Thanks to our hero, their gala was saved. Funny how this
happened again and again, for over three seasons!
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Punch and Judy
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around as if reciting the ‘mulberry bush’ slowly at first,
until picking up momentum the sides began to shake,
from there clips, until falling over it now appeared like a
helicopter. The drive mechanism was now jammed, the
puppets being rubber and the heat from his hand, had
sweated, and making it impossible to remove them.
Faster and faster it began to spin; now looking like an
amusement park attraction!! The clown panicking and
screaming “stop this F*****g thing”
“Get me some help!” Most parents taking their children
away from this rather abusive entertainer. The centre
staff was called, but unfortunately couldn’t get close
enough to the contraption to help so all they could do
was cordon off the area, and wait for a further three
hours; until the batteries lost there power and it came to a
halt. So to did his career as a Punch and Judy Professor!
He instead turned his hand to that of God.
But of course there by hangs yet another story.
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Punch & Judy II
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Super glue
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The sky is blue and the grass is green
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Going thru a stage
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As I took that first step, from the wings (side of the
stage) I heard the stage manager say “Get Off!”
Thinking he may be talking to someone else I ventured
further.
Louder this time” Get OFF!”
In the back of mind I started thinking, well everything
seems to be going OK; I’m getting laughs in the right
places, applause where it should be. I’m going well here.
Stuff him. If he wants me off he’ll have to drag me off
(Ken Dodd School of performing!)
Another step and this time the whole auditorium heard
“For F***’s sake GET OFF!”
Too late!
The board snapped and whoosh down I went. All I could
see was the darkness of the theatre then white light, bits
of pier, girders. Then Splash! Water. Sinking. I was in the
Bloody Sea!
Believe me, what a shock to your system that is!
I started walking, up hill; towards the prom.
Coming out of the water it really must have been a
picture. Bloke in full tail suit, clutching three bits of
rope, with a face like thunder. People just stopped and
stared, open-mouthed. I walked from the beach, along
the prom down the pier to the door of the theatre. It was
locked.
It always is during a performance. So, back around and
into the main entrance of the theatre. Down through the
aisle towards the stage. All the time going squelch,
squelch the compere had returned onto stage and every
time he looked at the hole just began to laugh. Literally
people were rolling in the aisles, clutching their sides.
To them it must have looked hilarious!
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I got back on stage, picked the mike from his hands, put
it into the stand and simply said, “I’ll finish this trick…
Even if it kills me!”
Bernard Delfont and Mecca management, the people
who owned the theatre, wanted to keep me there for the
season. As long as I kept this as part of the act.
I told them “Ok, as long as you can make certain the tide
is in every time I fall”
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Is it a Ghost?
One night in the pub the circus hands were telling each
other various tale of their lives, things they had seen etc.
The topic turned to ghosts and it was explained in no
uncertain terms that there was in deed such a thing as
ghosts as everyone there present had at some time seen
something that they could only explain as being a ghost.
It was time to go back home to their respective trailers
(caravans) as two of the hands walked through the dark
and gloom of the disused airfield, the nearest lighting
being about half a mile away, in the distance they could
see a whitish shape, moving from unit to unit, (caravan
trailers used for the hotdogs generators etc)
With the previous conversation of spectres and ghosts,
paranormal activity was rife within their minds. Both
giving each other courage decided that there were no
such things as ghost; ergo it must be a burglar!
They armed themselves with tent staves (metal bars
approximately four feet long used to hold down the big
top ropes, to the ground) they split up, one going around
the units, to meet his adversary face on. The other
sneaking up behind the burglar to give him a headache he
would remember for some time.
The white shape moved on, slowly, almost aimlessly
shambling from one thing to another. Our heroes were
now in place, and as the burglar rounded a unit, they
raised their clubs, about to strike in the dark.
They were faced with a nine and half feet snarling Polar
Bear!
It had learned how to pull back the bolt and unlatch its
cage, and had simply gone in search of some friendship
and food.
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I do often wonder who would have got the biggest shock,
if those blows had ever landed.
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5 Gallons of calamine lotion
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Two coloured chalk
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At a recently renovated club in Wales.
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Peeing contest
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The sword box
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throat, he couldn’t move, or now even speak. Faster and
faster the swords were coming, panic set in also the
blood and adrenalin pumping started to kick in.
eventually all the swords were through the box. The
gentleman from the audience was thanked and
applauded, as he made his way back to his seat. The girl
assistant now simply stood centre stage, with the box full
of swords, waiting. The audience waited, the music came
to a stop, and there were no signs of anything happening!
After ten minutes, the entertainments manager realized
that something must be amiss. Going onto the stage and
listening to the side of the box he could heard in almost
an inaudible whisper “get me out” He started to rip out
the swords. This caused yet more slashes. When the last
sword came out of the box, so to did our hero.
Picking the box off its stand he smashed it into the floor,
jumping on it until there wasn’t a stick left. The audience
must have thought ‘what a strange act’
But the Great Morretti, could sleep nights, no one was
going to steal his act.
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Queen’s theatre Burslem
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resounding crash she fell to the floor. I had to carry on as
if nothing was wrong. When my assistant got up, I could
see from the position of her arm, that something was
wrong. (She had sheared the bone from her elbow. Clean
off and had to have pins put in to replace the joint!) Off
she went, the tabs (curtains) closed and I now proceeded
to introduce the next act. Yes you guessed it, halfway
through the intro, the voice said yet again” ask if there’s
a doctor in the house” It had now become a running gag!
As luck would have it, the first doctor worked at the local
hospital orthopaedic department, so volunteered to take
her there. Whilst his friend doctor number 2 was still
there. The act that was now on was a trampoline act, and
every time he tried to jump onto it he was thrown away,
off into the wings, or towards the audience. It was funny
watching his frustration getting the better of him, until he
finally decided to quit. I went on to introduce the
interval. It was now that we noticed the cause of most of
the problems so far. It was a raked stage (sloping),
normally the rake goes towards the audience. This went
sideways!
Whilst getting changed during the intermission, one of
the stagehands came into the dressing room “have you
got a plaster for this!” He showed us his hand; every
bone in it seemed to be broken. As the curtain had been
coming down, he had reached for something on the floor,
only to let the safety curtain (about 5 tons) fall onto his
hand!
We phoned for an ambulance whilst Doctor 2administed
to him. The theatre was now becoming like the set to
casualty or A&E.
I went on stage, to introduce the second half. In the front
row a man seemed to be having difficulty. His eyes
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bulged; he was gasping for breath, and struggling to
loosen his tie. He was a bluish colour. He was having a
heart attack!
The ambulance that had come for the stagehand now had
to give this poor fellow a jumpstart in the aisle!
The people in the balcony where hanging over to watch
them defibrillate this man. I half expected one of them to
fall over; It was about the only thing left!
The show was over; no one could carry on through this. I
went back to the dressing room, and started to pack my
things. A voice, “do you think that doctor is still here?”
“Why?” I asked.
One of the dancers, had been coming down the steps,
slipped and fell, cutting her forehead. It took seven
stitches!
Now the fun really began.
I had to find the hospital. There were four different ones!
Every casualty department asks the same questions, how
did this accident occur?
The reply:
I was dressed as a witch and fell off my broomstick!
When I found the right hospital the doctor asked me
“when are you next here?”
“Next week, why?” I replied
“Well, I’m taking a holiday. It’s my day off today, and I
never worked as hard, since med school!”
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Stoke police gala
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Jerome’s Irish cow
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“To be sure that’s very kind of you sir,” the helper replied
“very kind indeed!” accepting the money.
“Now, there’s just one more thing; I’m the farmer and
that’s MY cow. She’s worth £300 so I think I should be
seeing your money now!”
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Talent Contest
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Mr & Mrs
At a pub a Mr. & Mrs contest was under way, the couple
were doing well and was down to the last question. This
being. “What is the worst place you have had sex?”
The husband had replied, having sex with his wife on the
grass, and getting grass stains on his knees, and his
mother in law asking him, how he’d got his pants dirty.
His wife was brought back on stage, and the husband
returned to the bar for a drink. The lady was doing fine
answering all the questions until it came to this the last
question. “What is the worst place you have had sex?”
“I’m not answering that!” she exclaimed, “It’s rude”
“Go on tell them,” shouted the husband from the bar
“They know already, I’ve told them”
The lady began to blush. Very red “oh, well!”
Looking down towards the floor, wishing it would just
open up and swallow her.
The worst place you have had sex?
Everyone waited, this now to win £500
She replied “Up my bum! It F***ing hurt”
The place fell about. She got the £500.For the laughter it
created, and her husband now embarrassed discomfort.
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Death and the breathing tent
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shutting, it was as if he was going to sleep, and the whole
circus was joining him. Then the paper fell fluttering to
the sawdust ring at his feet. Then his head slumped
forward. The clown was dead!
We ran in and carried him off, laying him in the outer
ring doors, (where the artists would enter, and wait for
their cue, before going into the ring) The wallings of the
tent began to billow, yet there was no wind, as if the
whole tent was breathing, in and out, maybe his last
breaths. Even though another act had by now gone on
and begun their performance (the show must go on) there
was stillness and the whole tent seemed to glow, then as
he let out his last gasps. The tent stopped, the music
stopped, the lights went out and so to did this clowns
soul. It was the soul of the circus, born into show
business, a life that had lived all its life giving laughter to
many, advice from a life of performing, now gone to a
better place.
To the big top in the sky where ALL the acts are top of
the bill.
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Clown burial
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fire eating torches and fuel. Of course the respective
girlfriends and wives had to join in on their partners
behalf’s!
And so when we returned it was a circus fight. Just a
melee of bodies! The body was interred, and everyone
went to the wake, in the circus ring.
I’m sure that somewhere up on a cloud above sat a funny
little angel, in clown make up, laughing at a predicament
that only HE could have caused. Still making us laugh
from beyond the grave.
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Coffin Illusion Jacqueline Ricardo
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After a month of touring with the coffin and three
vehicles having broken down her husband had a heart
attack and died!
She felt that it had bad memories so just wanted to get
rid.
I loaded the coffin and off we went.
The first time we performed it, the generator packed in
and the whole show was plunged in to darkness.
The second time the girl inside the box started
screaming. I opened the lid and three of the biggest rats
you have ever seen ran out.
The third time we performed this. The girl fell out of the
box at the end of the trick, streaming with blood and
missing her costume!
It was decided that we would not use it again, so it was
stored in the back of one of the wagons.
It was then that the show started running into difficulties,
the crowds were dwindling, the route that had been
booked started to cancel, we started to not have enough
money to pay the rent or the people working.
The coffin became branded as a Jonah!
We decided to get rid of it.
So unceremoniously it was dumped over a wall in the
middle of the night.
Two days later it was back in the wagon!
Two visiting magicians came to the show, so I gave them
this unwanted, surplus to requirements prop. They were
over the moon, as they had just landed a season on a
cruise ship and wanted to use an illusion. A month into
there season, the ship sank they escaped, and were
rescued, clinging to the coffin, adrift in the ocean.
They were landed into the USA, and taken to a fantastic
hotel. One of the magicians wanted to get rid of this
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grisly relic, the other wanted to keep it. One week on he
died with a massive coronary. The hotel that they were
staying in stored the now famous life saving coffin and
displayed it in the foyer to visitors. A week later the hotel
was burned to the ground, however the fire crew were
able to rescue the coffin; it appeared completely
unharmed, not even smoke damaged!
So if you are ever offered completely free gratis a
coffin…. Please think before accepting it.
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Sitting in a lay-by eating plumbs and catching ducks
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friend went to one side and I was heading straight in, we
had surrounded it.
We dove at the duck, and it seemed to take off straight up
into the sky! It was like a rocket lifting off! UP it soared
higher and higher, we sat and looked skyward as the
demon duck levelled off its flight looking down at us
sitting in the mud it began to circle, quacking in delight
at our misfortune, as now not only were we hungry we
were also cold fed up and dirty!!
For days this damned duck seemed to haunt us as we sat
by the roadside we could hear it mocking us with distant
quacks. Now I relish the sight on a restraunte menu of
duck Ala orange…. It may be the same DUCK!
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German Drivers
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instantly climbed out we all looked to see what the
problem was. A tree branch had gone through the front of
the Luton cab and was sticking through the top of his
truck! Everyone else had missed it!
I learned many German swear words, that day.
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Over the bridge since the war
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bridge would make more of a noise falling down on top
of me! Slowly forward it seemed that we were going
slightly up hill! The people began to make way I could
hear them cheer! We had done it. They told me that no
vehicle had come into their village since before the
Second World War! I wasn’t surprised really. Even the
Nazis were not that stupid. Needless to say that venue
did not need much in the way of publicity. Every man
woman and child had seen us enter they welcomed us
with open arms, their generosity and warmth was
phenomenal.
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Dragged by horse over welsh national showground
The horse was called beauty a grey welsh cob with the
temperament of a demon, she would kick and bite at the
slightest thing.
For some reason only known to herself she seemed to
like me and would come and nuzzle up to me and let me
stroke her, so seeing that we had some kind of rapport I
ended up with the job of looking after her.
On most circuses, the animals are the last to be loaded
and the first to be un-loaded. On this particular jump
from town to town we were at the Welsh National
showground, as the name implies a beautiful ground in
the fantastic welsh countryside. It was like a green dish,
flat and then across the main road the mountains rose
gently at first until they reached their majestic heights in
the distance. A fantastic backdrop to our show.
Picturesque to say the very least.
Beauty was a strong little horse so when she was tethered
out we had to use a quite heavy duty chain and a ground
stake (this is a two inch thick iron bar approximately
three to four feet long.)
It was time for us to load up the animals.
I went out and loosened the stake, calling beauty to me
she came along nicely as I began to gather in the chain,
about forty feet of it, I held onto her bridle and started to
walk her towards to awaiting truck.
It was dark and very overcast and looked like a storm
was brewing. But being in the mountains, you do kind of
expect it to be a little like that. I could feel the first drops
of rain I noticed that beauty’s nostrils where beginning to
flare, her ears began to twitch, I tried to talk steady and
calmly, reassuring her that everything was alright. She
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seemed to be stamping her feet as she walked. She began
to shy away slightly. Then Bang a clap of thunder and
she reared, whoosh off she went me running along side
trying to slow her down and calm her, she just got faster
and faster.
I’m not exactly built for speed and even if I were I doubt
if I could keep up with an ever increasing galloping
horse.
I thought to hell with this, and dropped the stake and
chain;
Crack the bloody stake hit me at the back of my knees,
bringing me down, the chain wrapping itself around my
legs. Knocking me flat on my back and knocking the
wind out of me.
Off we went her galloping along, me cursing and
swearing as I was dragged along, over the grass, along
the town streets through a field, bush and onwards
towards the mountains.
She went faster I struggled trying to free myself from the
chain, whilst being scratched with bracken, twigs, sheep
shit, water, as we went through streams etc.
Off we went up the mountainside.
Eventually I managed to free myself, to be able to see
beauty gleefully galloping along higher into the
mountains.
For me I had to scramble down the way we had come up.
An hour later I returned to the start point of all this, to
find my colleagues in gales of laughter.
After sorting out the other animals, we returned to try to
collect beauty. We had to hire six farmers with quads to
track her and then try to corral her, it took nearly a
month, but eventually she was back with us, and me, her
rather bruised, disgruntled family.
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Lil and Pete
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Banned for 500 year old bar
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smoke from them billows from the slight aperture and
sends the box scooting along, under its own propulsion!
This is truly an amazing feat to see.
Whilst in a beautiful bar Griff performed this stunt. As
the matchbox scudded along at a great rate of knots,
there was silence, not the usual wows. As the smoke
cleared we could see a long dark line of burned wood
along the bar, some 5 -8feet long. “My Bar” exclaimed
the owner; it had burned into his 500 year old bar, the
pride of the establishment, which Cromwell had drunk
on. “You’re Barred” I can still ear those words echoing
through time. Regardless to say we didn’t get to drink in
there again.
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Big dick and the camel
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Strangely enough we didn’t see him in the pub whilst we
were there.
A couple of nights later, Lil had gone to the pub with
dick, who in the course of the night had simply walked
back across the road to the circus. It was closing time and
Lil exited the pub, the horse had gone!
“Where’s Dick?”
“I want big Dick!”
There were several blokes who offered!
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Cal Calini
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“Hit them over the head with a spade” was my reply.
They were desperate for someone to replace the act as
the posters had been produced depicting this particular
dice with death. Daily I was phoned, every time, they
increased the price they would pay until it got to £1,000 a
week just for the coffin stunt. My dear friend Cal had
been on wages of just £75 for performing this for them
and the usual work of grafting, putting up the tent tickets,
billing etc.
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Midget drivers
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standing on the kerb, trying to mentally come to grips as
to how a man so small could drive a thing so big.
I guess you could say size doesn’t matter.
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I drove Patten in the war
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Fred’s Tale
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Here was a man that had travelled from one side of the
country to the opposite, found a pub, for a quiet drink
and had randomly met upon a stranger, who had been so
close to the answers for all these years.
The next couple of days were spent exchanging photos
and details, even the old commanding officer got in
touch to present the medal, etc that the brother had won
posthumously.
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A Christmas Tale:
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it had collided with a street lamp. “It’s the same as our
car” she remarked. Bill just smiled and carried on. They
got home. Bill went to the kitchen, he knew the drill by
now, and made Shell a cup of tea, Shell went straight for
the shower. After she had dried herself off she came into
the living room and quietly began to sip her tea, The
presents laid under the tree, she would have a couple of
hours sleep and then they would open the Christmas
gifts. Bill must have gone back to bed.
She sat quietly for a few minutes, and then there was a
knock at the door. She opened the door. Two uniformed
Police men stood there. “Can we come in?” The younger
officer asked.
“Yes of course” “What can I do for you” Shell asked
“We have some bad news, I’m sorry, but your husband
was involved in a road accident this morning” he
continued” I’m afraid that he died”
“I don’t think so” she said,
Walking to the bedroom
“Bill! Come here a minute will you”
There was no reply.
She walked in no one was there.
“I’m sorry madam” the officer continued, “but if you feel
OK can we take you to identify your husband’s body”
As she was hearing the words she looked over his
shoulder, towards the drive. There was no car there!
Had she dozed off? Looking at the clock not five minutes
had elapsed, her tea was still warm, and how could this
be?
The car she had seen on the way from work had indeed
been theirs. That morning on his way to pick up his
lovely wife he had a massive heart attack and lost control
of the vehicle.
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Regular and totally reliable was Bill. If he promised, he
would deliver. RIP a good man.
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So that for now dear reader is the end. I hope that some
of these shared tales of extraordinary people in
extraordinary times, has helped you to forget about your
daily woes, for a while, and brought a glimmer of
nostalgic sunshine.
Until we meet again.
May you have luck and meet some even more fascinating
people, with whom you too can share some time.
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