Seeing Light through Gods Light

Na tio nal City U nite d C hurc h U nite d C hur ch of Chr ist in the P hilipp ines De cem be r 16, 2012

A lay sermon by Bezalie Bautista Uc-Kung

Psalm 36:5-9 Your love, LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. Your righteousness is like the highest mountains, your justice like the great deep. You, LORD, preserve both people and animals. How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house; you give them drink from your river of delights. For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light. (NIV)

If youre born with a handicap

which continues to give you trouble now and then even as an adult, and on top of that you discovered that you have cancer, how would you feel? Definitely, it was not a time for dancing, celebrating life, or rejoicing. That wasnt a lighted or illumined period for me. Instead, it was total darkness. I was devastated. My world turned upside down and I found myself in a bottomless pit with no way of escape. All of a sudden, my dreams, longings, plans, appetite for life just faded before me. I lost perspective. I lost my balance. I found myself floating, without direction. I was fighting God, reasoning out with Him, battling with Him. Why me, Lord? Why does it always have to be me? Havent I suffered enough? What else do you want from me?

There was just too much emotional pain, the weight too heavy to carry. But as I was wrestling with God, God gave me enough strength not to stop reading His word. I needed answers from Him for my questions, right? So where else would I go but to His word? No explanations came, however. No dramatic revelations. No shining light coming down from Heaven so I would clearly understand what was happening in my life. Instead, I received promises, words of comfort and reassurances from the Bible: Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand (Isaiah 41:10). Blessed are those who trust in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord (Jeremiah 17:7). Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age (Matthew 28:20). God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1). When you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you (Jeremiah 29:12). Do not fear, only believe (Mark 5:36). Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no evil; for you are with me (Psalm 23:4). Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled nor let it be fearful (John 14:27).

These are only a few of the reassuring Nunc cursus magna quis words that I received from Godevery single day. Day after day, during and after two operations, and while having my chemotherapy treatment, I felt Gods warm embrace around mecalming my fears, drying my tears, loving me, walking with me in my pain, in my doubt, in my sorrow, in my suffering every day, without fail. My husband and I greatly felt Gods hand guiding us throughout my journey from the people to consult for crucial decisions at the very start, to the choice of doctors to the choice of hospital and so on. What James 1:5 says is true, If any of you is lacking in wisdom, ask God, who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly, and it will be given you. Even the financial provisions needed for the treatment that could drain ones lifetime savings, God supplied religiously, faithfully, unfailingly. It was very clear that I was not going to suffer alone. God unquestionably was going to be with me every step of the way. He will take care of me and my needs.

Since it was going to be a long and difficult battle, I needed to put my faith in the proper perspective because I knew it was going to be tested over and over and a faith foundation that is weak will be more disastrous for me than the cancer itself. I needed to see my trial from a biblical perspective for my own peace of mind and so I could also help enlighten people close to me who had started to doubt Gods wisdom because of what was happening to me. Recalling all that I have learned from the Bible and reflecting on them, God helped me understand that we live in a fallen world as a result of sin. Because the Devil is still in the world, even Gods children are not spared from the disaster that the Enemy creates. Yes, especially Gods people. Since the Evil One can no longer snatch us away from God because we belong to God, the Devil delights in shaking our faith and causing us to doubt God. Does God cause His people to suffer? Yes. When His chosen people the Israelites doubted and questioned God, and worshipped idols, He brought plagues upon His people so He could demonstrate His power and make them return to Him. Not all sufferings though are from God and not all sufferings are because of sin. Does God allow the Devil to test us? Yes as the life of Job shows us. That the Devil has to ask for Gods permission shows God is in control. He is sovereign. Nothing happens in this world that is outside of Gods divine will for each of us. We will never understand completely for His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts than our thoughts (Isaiah 55:9). But one consolation is that (Psalm 103:14): He knows what we are made of; he remembers that we are dust. He will not test us beyond our limits. And that nothing can ever separate us from the love of God: neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38-39). Yes, not even cancer.

Truly Gods word is a lamp to our feet and a light to our path (Psalm 119:105). Slowly but surely, Gods light started to penetrate my sorrowful, grieving heart. As the psalmist expressed in the biblical reference we read earlier: In your light we see light. In His light, I saw light. In Gods light, I found guidance, enlightenment. It was not a one-shot deal when you will understand everything all at once; rather, tiny glimpses of His presence to make it through each day. It was not a one-time supply of feeling okay for the whole ordeal. Rather, its a conscious moment by moment decision to surrender to His holy will: choosing hope rather than despair, allowing Gods peace to prevail over my confusion, walking in Gods light rather than being swallowed up by darkness, moment by moment, over and over every day, oftentimes while enduring the discomforts, while my spirit was down and sad, while I was physically weak and lacking in energy. Breath prayers said by the heart rather than by the lips. The chemotherapy treatment can bring out all the demons inside you. With the poison/toxin slowly invading every nook and corner of your being, its like losing your sanity. I dont really mind losing hair, my nails turning black, losing weight, nausea, vomiting, weird taste buds; its the way the poison affects my mental and emotional health. There was one time when I was going in circles inside my room, much like an anxiety or panic attack. Paikot ikot, pupunta CR, babalik sa kama tatayo uli after a few seconds, at pupunta uli sa CR, then back to bed. Paulit ulit, pabalik balik habang hilong hilo, di malaman ang gagawin.

I must admit that in those times of extreme anguish, I asked God to simply take my life. Ayoko na, Lord. Di ko na kaya. Kunin Mo nalang ako. Just recently, I again encountered in my devotional reading Jesus Christs Agony in the Garden of Gethsemane. In the Matthew passage (Matthew 26:36-46), Jesus was described as SORROWFUL AND TROUBLED. In other versions, it says Jesus was AGITATED AND DISTRESSED. In fact, he verbalized it and said to His disciples, My soul is very sorrowful, even to death (v. 38). O wow, pareho kami ni Jesus? Three times He prayed to the Father, bargaining with Him: First time, He prayed, My Father, kung puede, alisin mo nalang ang suffering ko pero Ama, hindi ang gusto ko kung hindi ang gusto Mo ang masusunod. Second time, Jesus prayed again the same prayer, Kung hindi talaga puede Ama, susunod ako sa kagustuhan Mo. Third time, He prayed again the same thing. Each time after praying, He went back to His disciples to check on them. He was going back and forth, paikot-ikot din si Jesus, the weight of the coming ordeal heavy on Him; He was physically, emotionally and mentally anguished just as I had been. What a comfort to know that the God who journeys with me in my pain totally understands because He too has been there. And just like Jesus I needed to come to a point of surrender to the Fathers holy will. It took me sometime to finally say to God, Okay God, I surrender to your plan for me. I dont understand why I have to go through this. But I know you are in control. I do not completely understand your purpose for it, but give me the grace to endure. Please dont ever let go of me. I needed to understand about Gods healing. I have not at that point understood it. If I pray so hard without doubting, will God heal me? What if He doesnt, does that mean I have no faith or my faith is weak? How do I respond to well-meaning people who tell me that God has healed me? Again it was not by accident that I happened to turn on DZAS at the time a book about healing was being announced. That book by Dr. Harold Sala helped me understand that God is still in the healing business today but that Gods concept of healing is not how we humans understand it and that it is His choice either to heal the sick supernaturally, or with the use of doctors and medicines in what is called integrative healing, or to heal redemptivelyhealing in the life beyond. Has God healed me completely? My husband and I claim it every day. Does that mean my cancer will not come back? We pray it wont. If it comes back, does God love me less? No, its part of Gods divine plan for me. Knowing that and believing in Gods sovereignty, will it be easier for me this time in handling another cancer trial? Not necessarily. Im sure it will be as or even more emotionally painful. I know I will again question God, wrestle with God, reason out with Him. I know I will again go through a myriad of emotions which include hopelessness, depression, helplessness . . . But I have complete confidence that God understands how I feel. My doubts do not change His love for me. My questions do not drown Him. I am precious in His sight. Just feel the substance of this passage in Psalm 139:
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O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my every thought when far away. You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment you know where I am. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, LORD. You both precede and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to know! I can never escape from your spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the place of the dead, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become nightbut even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are both alike to you. You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. . . . You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God! They are innumerable! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up in the morning, you are still with me! My God watches over me 24/7. I am never lost in His sight. How can I be alone in my suffering?

Once youre hit with cancer, you will never be the same again. It could make you a bitter or a better person. I choose the latter. You also acquire a greater sensitivity of Gods presence every day. You become more appreciative of each brand-new day, and His fresh supply of steadfast love and mercies every morning. Your priorities change. Daily, cancer reminds me that I am not a citizen of this world; I am just passing through, a pilgrim here on earth. So I celebrate life while I can without losing my focus on the life beyond. Daily, I am learning to put my energies on things that have eternal value. Every day, moment by moment, as God provides the grace, I am learning to surrender to His divine purpose, trying to live my life in a way that is pleasing to Him.

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I claim 1 Peter 5: 10 which says "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." Yes, In His time, God will make all things beautiful. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known (I Cor. 13:12). I dont know what is in Gods mind as far as my future is concerned. And I dont think He will ever show me the complete picture. All I know is that I have chosen to trust Him no matter what, knowing full well that the God who walks with me every day loves me so much and that He will cause all things to work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

Having received Gods light, my prayer is that even my suffering will serve Him, and my experience will show others the way to the true Light of the world, Jesus Christ. I know that it is only possible with full surrender, moment by moment, as a choice of the will rather than by mere feelings or emotions.

tomorrow I don't seem to understand. But I know who holds tomorrow, And I know who holds my hand.

s the old hymn goes, Many things about

On this blessed truth, I put my heart at rest.

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