Jack Napier was cornered. On one side, was a vat of chemicals. On the other, a v igilante. He was scared.

He also had a tuxedo and giant red bowl on. He lost his balance. Jack tripped, and fell. The vigilante tried to save him, but he fell t oo fast. Jack Napier closed his eyes, and prepared for the worst. He fell into t he vat, and was surrounded by chemicals. Have you ever wondered how I feel? Of course not. Not really. Of course, who WOUL D want to know what goes on up here? Not me, thats for sure. Ha! You know...I cou ld tell you. Hows that sound? Its a good story. Go grab your lawn chair, some popc orn, and maybe a beer! This is gonna be good. I was standing over a bat. Well, the Bat. Or is it the Bat? I know theres a Batgir l, but...never mind. Anyways, he was on the floor, and I was over him, a knife i n my hand, laughing my head off. I crouched down, the knife in my hand. It felt good. It felt really good. To have someone you hate on the floor. To have this o ne thing, this one little thing that can decide life or death in your hand, and to have them stare up at you. Of course, I knew I wasnt going to kill him. Why? T wo reasons. The first was because hes just so fun, and I could never really kill him. Only if he was in mortal danger, and someone else was going to. The second reason was because in the time I had been standing and crouching, and all that c rap, he had put me in a headlock. Good ol Bats. By the time I was on the floor, h im now standing over me, I think I had lost a bit more of my mind. Thats when I s aw it. The knife! In my reach! Oh, glorious day! Then he slammed his boot into m y face. Soon, I was being shoved into Arkham. I smiled. Joker: Good to be home! You should really rent a room here Bats. No roaches, the manager might be a bit annoying, but- Batman: Shut up! Thats my life. Bad joke. Shut up. Bad joke. Day after day. Its wonderful. Joker: Hey, Warden, Im gonna be on my way soon, so, you dont have to tidy up or any thing. Warden: Be quiet clown! Ugh. Joker: Im not a clown. Im insane! How dare you make fun of my appearance! Warden: I said be quiet! As I was led to my home sweet home, I saw some other patients. Made some jokes in my head. Lets see. Theres crazy cat lady. Steriod hoarder. The guy you should definitely fil m from his left. Oh, theres tree hugger, Captain Hooks worst nightmare, Mans, bad tux, and her. Yes, her. She was horrible. Her voice. The way she spoke to me. The way she LOOKE D at me! God, I hated her. I hate to admit it, but I would rather have Crazy Qui lt as my partner! Ha ha ha ha ha! She yelled at me through her glass window. She didnt have her costume on, but she was still pale. Not as pale as me though. Ha! Hey, Mister J! Mister J, over here! Whats up? Joker: Hey there Harley! As much as I hated her, I needed her. Couldnt have her run off a cliff, crying her eyes out. Id actually like to see that. Anyways, they brought me to my cell, and threw me in. Joker: Dont forget! The keys under the door mat! See ya! I started walking around the cell, thinking of an escape plan. It had to do with Bane, a couple thousand LEGOs, and a nuclear bomb. I warned you of what was goin g on in here. Well, as I laid down on the little steel bed I had, it hit me. I d ont escape. Come on Joker. You can do it. Just go along with the stupid, so-calle d doctors, act like youre getting better, be released, and blow Gotham to hell. I liked it. Plus, Bats wouldnt know when to expect my return. Of course, the next day, I decided against it. It was at the lunchroom. Harley: Mister J! Hey! Hey! Its me Mister J! Harley!

My eye twitched. Believe it or not, I wasnt smiling. Ive had more fun when my crotc h was being...well, you get the picture. And as much as I wanted to get out of h ere, I had to go along with it, right? Wrong. This was horrible. I had to get ou t! But how? Ill spare you the full plan, but again, Bane, LEGOs, and a nuclear bo mb. Maybe a gun, to blow out Harleys brains. Harley: Mister J! And pop goes the weasel. Joker: I AM WAITING TO GET FOOD! DO YOU HEAR ME!?! I WANT TO EAT SOME DAMN FOOD! WILL YOU LET ME DO THAT!?!?!?!?! Then, some goon came towards me. Bad move. Goon: J, calm down. Its not the end of the- So then, I grabbed a fork, and I stabbed him in the eyeball. Then I pulled it out . Joker: Ill have some potatoes. Then came the guards. They grabbed my arms, and pulled me out of the room. Heres a tip, if youre going out, go out with a bang. I was screaming, and yelling, and p utting my heels on the floor. I think I broke free, and knocked one out. It was fun. I woke up in my cell. Ha! As I looked around, I saw that it wasnt my cell. H o boy. This should be fun. I banged on the glass, and a security camera in there looked at me. Soon, a dart was in my neck. Joker: Heh. Heh heh. Oh, that isnt exactly funny. I dropped on the ground. The next day, I was sitting in my maximum security cell. Joker: Whens lunch!?! A tray was pushed through a slot in the door. I couldnt tell exactly what the food was. It was brown, stale, and smelled like hair. Unwashed hair. It was horrible . And just what I needed. I threw the crap at the camera. Sparks flew out. Joker: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I picked the thing up again, and slammed it against the glass on my door. After a few minutes, it shattered. The glass. And the slob of whatever it is. I climbe d through the hole, as guards piled in. Joker: Oh. Hello. I ran. The guards didnt catch me. They didnt even come close. Not by the hair of my chinny chin-chin. Then I came to a complete stop at the locked door. Then there was this loud buzz, and the door opened. There was a guard, with Harley, of all people. I didnt care, but, weird coincidence, yknow? Guard: Patient transfer-er-er-ah!!! He ran, and I smiled. Harley: Mister J! Arent you gonna help me? Mister J? Please? Help me? Joker: No. I walked out of the room, and ran through the cell block. Things were going good . There were sirens everywhere. I saw everyone. Made sure to wave, and promise a postcard from the outside. Some threatened me. Others stared at my achievement. Some even congratulated me. Some didnt notice, or even care. They were used to m y escapes. I met up with a guard once or twice. The first I knocked out, and I t ook his gun. The second I blew the brains out of. Good times. I came to a stop o utside the penitentiary, and took a deep breath. Then I went on a killing spree. After making it to the mainland just before they cut it off from the island, I looked around. The Bat-Signal in the sky? Check. The Batman trying to stop me? N ot check. Maybe he was at Arkham. Maybe he was- Batman: Stop right there Joker. Oh. There he was. Joker: Oh, but Bats, the fun is just beginning! Ha ha ha ha ha! Heres another tip kids. If you ever escape from an Asylum, and are cornered by a v igilante just as crazy as you are, make everything seem like its going just as yo u planned. Batman: What do you mean? Joker: Oh yes. Of course Ill tell you my master plan. Ha ha ha ha ha! The Bat ran at me. I took a swing at him, punching him in the jaw. I pressed my l uck, and tried to get in a second. He grabbed my fist, twisted my arm, and tripp ed me. I sniggered, and rolled out of the way, as his foot came down. I hopped u

p, and ducked under a punch, uppercutting him. Fun as hell. I kicked his crotch. He then grabbed my shoulders, and threw me on the ground. He kicked my face. He did it again, and I grabbed his boot. Now what do I do? He pulled his boot away, and slammed the bottom of it onto my face. I grabbed it, faking pain. Joker: Okay, okay. You win. Please, just dont hurt me anymore! Please! The idiot grabbed my wrists, pulling me up, and I head butted him. Then I screame d for real. It hurt. Joker: God, what is that thing made of? Lead? Batman: Its lead-based. Joker: That was rhetorical dimwit. Bats grabbed the back of my head, and slammed it into his knee. Joker: Stop doing that! As if on cue, he did it again. Then I remembered: I had a gun! I pulled it out, a nd pointed at him. Joker: Say your prayers, Dork Knight. I pulled the trigger. -clickJoker: What? I pulled it again. -click- -clickJoker: Damn it. He ran towards me, ripping the gun out of my hand, throwing it in the river, and head butted me. Nice. I was out cold. When I woke up, well, you know where I wa s. Joker: It was fun while it lasted. My head came to a rest on my palm. I frowned. The next day, I was in the lunchroo m. A goon with an eyepatch walked towards me. Goon: You can consider me in Penguins gang now. Least he treats his men right. To make things worse, Harley walked over to me. Harley: Oh Mister J, I understand why you left me! And I can forgive you. I love you so, so, so, so, so, so, much! Heres the last tip kids. Its, always think positive. When Harley nearly choked the life out of me with a hug, I thought about having a gun and shooting her, then c utting off her arms, throwing the body in a river, and living a long, happy, Har leyless life. That would be so much more fun.