My encounter with schizophrenia

My name is Spencer, and I have had four brief, mild encounters with the illness. In a nut shell, the experience was very dark and negative, like a nightmare in the awake state, travelling on a terrifying, synchronous roller-coaster guilt trip with everybody out to get you. The mind feels like a great big foggy hurricane swirling about out of control with terrible negative thoughts constantly bombarding you at a thousand miles an hour. It's literally like travelling to hell and back (if you come back that is). What I have noticed after recovering from an episode of such negative intensity, I feel a great weight off my shoulders - a cleansing, so to speak - getting rid of all those dark emotions that inhibit and limit us. I believe the trouble starts to manifest when we bottle up our thoughts and emotions (whatever that may be - usually the negative ones... guilt, fear, paranoia) and not release them out of ourselves constructively through good communication when they arise. The intensity becomes too great and as a result, the mind breaks down, as it is not designed to naturally contend with so much negativity. The organ of mind is designed to assist and be beneficial to the body and others. Now, today I lead a healthy "normal" life, symptom free. Good communication and will power is the key to overcoming such an illness and as I look back, I am aware that my encounter with this illness was triggered by extreme stress and anxiety. Having now recovered, my encounter with the illness has only strengthened my being and I now have a greater insight into the mind. I now, study and write literature associated with transpersonal psychology, and researching this topic has confirmed that which I knew to be true all along, even when I was sick... That we are not the illness we suffer from. What we are is that which is the same in all of us. We are all the same in essence. We are all Human Beings. Although I rely on a small dose of medication to help sustain normal regular health, I no longer have the symptoms of the illness. Many people take certain medicine to sustain normal health; even having regular dosage of exercise sustains normal health. Having overcome this illness, the most frustrating aspect I find is still being categorised and labelled as a schizophrenic by the doctors and psychiatrists in the field of mental illness. This is very inaccurate, and I will explain why. Health and harmony is the natural state to be. Illness and discord prevents us from keeping that natural state of being, and therefore any illness, no matter what that may be, is something we are not. If we are fortunate, we may suffer for a short duration and recover. If we are unfortunate, we may suffer for a long duration and may never recover, but no matter what length of time it is upon us, we are not that illness, because it is not the natural state of health. You never hear someone who is diagnosed with cancer being called a cancer. They are addressed as having cancer or suffering from cancer. Just as when we have a cold, you do not label someone as a cold. They are addressed as having a cold or suffering from a cold. Keeping this in mind, there are many other illnesses that we label and categorize people as. Take diabetes. It would be far more accurate to say, they have diabetes or they suffer from diabetes, rather than to address them as a diabetic. I have met many people who do and have suffered from schizophrenia, but never in all my life have I ever come across a schizophrenic. This is an issue that needs to be addressed, because for those of us who have struggled with mental illness, and now lead normal lives; being categorised as a schizophrenic (as opposed to being labelled as a diabetic) can be very offensive and demoralising to who we truly are, for there is so much prejudice and negative stigma, as mental illness is an issue that is shunned and rejected by mainstream society. First and foremost we are a Human Being who may just be struggling with, or may even have overcome, a particular illness that prevents us from normal health. Either way, we are people of equal value, just like anyone else. Just recently I have written a book called, Into The Light Again. I wrote the book to provide hope for those families and individuals still caught in the illness. It gives my personal suggestions from my own experience on how to overcome this horrible

nightmare of the mind. These helpful suggestions can also be found on my website UNITY at www.unity-sp.com (follow the links to about me click on the word schizophrenia and proceed from there). The following is the preface to the book Of all the illnesses that there is to encounter in human life, one of the worst, most traumatic and devastating would have to be that of the mental illness, schizophrenia. Being trapped in a mind that has gone mad is a torture that surpasses any physical pain. If hell exists then this is it. Negative, degrading, derogatory, destructive, self-sabotaging thoughts and images hitting your mind at a thousand miles an hour constantly all day long, tormenting you to a degree where you are exhausted in terror, paranoia, and pain. In your mind there is nowhere to go, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, and those demons of torture keep coming at you and dont care how much pain they put you through. There seems to be no way out and no way to escape the darkness. We know this is not the way we should be and that part of us that knows this is the part of us that is true and pure, observing all this madness experienced in the mind. It is the experiencer, the observer our True Self that is wanting us to get out and escape this hell. We are not all these negative thoughts and madness in the mind, simply because we can observe it all. We are the silent still observer behind it all. We may be suffering in all this darkness, but our essence is always the same, constant and pure, and identical in all of us. To know your Self is a one-way ticket out of hell and back to the reality that is true. There is always help in the outside world, if we find it and want it, but to go deep within and know the most important part of you is pure is the first affirming step to come back to who you truly are and always will be. This is the way out of the darkness and back into the light again. As well as this book, I have written four other books on transpersonal psychology and mystic philosophy. I have a keen interest and undying pursuit in Eastern and Western philosophy, and this undertaking was inspired by an unexpected, very brief, yet intense encounter in nonduality. This experience occurred during normal health and was not associated with my episodes of schizophrenia, and the main focus of my work is to stress the fact that a true spiritual experience is non-prejudice and can come upon anyone, regardless of illness, disability, or any other limitations we encounter in life. As Spirit is everywhere it encompasses everything and is in everything, and therefore an experience of such is open to anyone and everyone. However, being told this from someone who has encountered mental illness, makes it that much harder to justify your authenticity of such things, because society is mislead to believe that no person of ill mind is capable of attaining such things related to Spirit. Society is mislead to believe that mentally ill people are disconnected from Spirit and are evil lost souls. And even if they believe they have some connection with Spirit it is a result of their illness - a delusion resulting from hallucinations and grandiose religious identifications. This is what I have to contend with, but I will always stand up for what is true, and debate those who are not of sound reason. In regard to my spiritual experiences, they occurred during the times my health was normal, and were not a result of the symptoms of the schizophrenia illness hallucinations, delusions, grandiose religious identifications, or narcissistic specialness or importance, etc. This experience happened totally out of the blue, was very brief yet intense, after which I immediately returned to normal activity without any side effects, except for that of extreme awe and wonder. I have two very competent and reliable doctors who I have discussed this experience with at length, who specialise in such cases as mine and can vouch for my authenticity. Also I have written a personal diary on my encounter with schizophrenia and experiencing the non-dual reality of nature. It is a screenplay trilogy written for feature film and it is appropriately titled, Will Power. All my work features on my website UNITY, an online

journal that is designed to share my experiences and insights with others, and to show people that a person who encounters mental illness was not always like this, and can go on to lead a productive normal life. Personal experience is the best teacher, and I have a passionate desire to share my triumphs over tragedy with others who are looking for help to overcome such tragedy that life deals to us, and inspire them on their own search to realise that which is greater than themselves That which is the same essence in all of us. I was fortunate to encounter it, and it is my greatest desire to share such knowledge and inspire others to realize it too for themselves through their own experience. To close this message I would like to leave you with the introduction to Will Power... Only when you have experienced the lowest of the lowest, are you humbled enough to appreciate and experience The Highest of The Highest. Psychiatrists only take note of the bad times. It has taken great courage to step forward with this material. After much time of contemplation I have finally decided to release my story, not out of a desire to gain fame or recognition, but out of the simple passionate desire to share my findings with others. The main message of this work is to show that a true spiritual experience is not only an encounter purely restricted to holy men, but equally open to ordinary everyday individuals (just like myself) facing their own situations and struggles in life, even those with extreme conditions. This screenplay is a diary of my encounter with and recovery from schizophrenia (natural, not drug induced) and certain spiritual experiences that are a result of my deep journey into the seemingly endless labyrinth of the mind, and how dangerous such a delving journey can be without the appropriate aids. To the layman reader and those of the psychiatric profession who are not spiritually aware, most of my experiences may be labelled as schizophrenia in nature and not authentically spiritual. However for the spiritually aware readers, you will be able to discriminate between the experience of a troubled mind and that of a yearning soul. In many cases, my spiritual dialogue and experiences do confirm the words and experiences of other spiritual teaches from all world cultures, past and present. What I have learnt about schizophrenia is that no personal encounter with it can be categorised into the total mass file. Each encounter has its own unique experiences and intensity, depending on the individuals situation and influences throughout their life. As with Life, we all share in that unity, but our journeys throughout are greatly varied indeed. Schizophrenia may be defined as physical chemical imbalance in the brain, but what are the subtle factors that trigger the physical imbalance to arise? Memories, thoughts and ideas of the subtle mind have a great impact on the physical brain and as a result, how certain chemicals are released into the brain and body system, thus affecting your physical reality and temperament. Scientists can register the physical data of thoughts the graph reading of electrical neuro-transmitters travelling from one brain cell to another but no amount of technology will ever be able to physically capture a subtle thought travelling through the ether of the minds eye. However we do not need the physical proof that a thought actually exists, for each and every one of us experience them every second of our lives, and it is only through experience that we know of something. The same may also be said for the realm of Spirit. It cannot be physically proven, yet all cultures of humanity have professed to having experienced the metaphysical realm since the beginning of time. Many scientifically based psychiatrists argue that thoughts are an output from the physical brain, yet how and what you think does affect your mental physical health. When you are in a happy state of mind, the body acts accordingly. Yet

anyone who has exercised will tell you that physical stimulation is also healthy for an alert state of mind. So which then is the initial primary cause the former or the latter? The message I have brought back from my ordeals I want to share with everyone, for they will only add insight to those suffering from schizophrenia and those on the mystic journey into unity. Many qualified and accomplished spiritualists may be asking, how could a person who has suffered from the delusion of mental illness be in any way fit or capable of telling about the philosophy of the mystic path? I will simply answer by saying, my screenplay speaks for itself. I only ask that you keep an open mind. As it is a personal record of my experiences, I have done very little research, and the philosophical dialogue is an account of what was actually discussed at the time. You are free to make your own conclusions. I would like to point out that the path trodden on a true spiritual journey is not usually associated with the symptoms of schizophrenia, or someone who has suffered from this illness; this is only my circumstance. The two are usually extremities apart from each other and in no way related, which is more the reason why I feel the need to tell my story. If constantly suffering from mental illness, the persons state of mind is usually unfit to embark on such a journey. Fortunately for me, my encounter with episodes of schizophrenia have been very few and far between, and it was between such times that I encountered, quite unexpectedly, my first spiritual experience. However, having said that, on every spiritual path every master will tell you that the main barrier to overcome is the turmoil of the mind in order to reach the peace of Spirit on the other side. And the more you delve into the mind, the stormier the journey can become, which in many ways can be likened to an awakened nightmare state just like that of schizophrenia. The mind (ego) can be very cunning at times. The battle between Spirit and ego, as it is known. The social phobias, brandings and misconceptions regarding schizophrenia are so many and seemly endless, and I would like to make it clear from the beginning that a person who encounters schizophrenia is no more dangerous than that of a seemingly every day individual. For sufferers, their circumstances are in most cases withdrawn and scared to participate in social and public activities. The majority of people who do and have suffered from schizophrenia are usually very gentle, caring, and in many cases, extremely intelligent, talented and creative individuals, who unfortunately get far too caught up in the mind with their bottled up memories, emotions, thoughts and ideas, just as I did. The mind cant cope, and a distortion in the brain is a result of way too much mental overload. People who meet me now would have no idea or any clue about my past association with schizophrenia, and those who do know me, even find it hard to believe that I ever suffered from such an illness, considering my present well-being. Now, I appreciate life and health probably far more than those who take it for granted. I keep a job, have girlfriends, pursue my goals, carry out every day activities, write inspiring literature, listen to uplifting music, and because of my experiences, I now read much literature, usually about mystic philosophy from both Eastern and Western cultures. My only interest in reading such material is for my own identification with and appreciation of those who have experienced what I have. As far as attaining further knowledge from books on related literature, I feel I know about such things in many ways that books cannot teach or tell of. Apart from my doctor and his bestowed wisdom, my greatest companion throughout all this has been my mother who has been a true saint in providing me with her constant care and support, and immense endless love, having been there for me every step of the way during those dark nights of the soul. Like anyone who does, I do receive the voice of intuition (immediate knowing) when I am very still, and there is a great difference in quality between the constant chatter of

surface mind that relates to the symptoms of schizophrenia (hearing voices), than that of the calm space of intuition, which usually leaves the surface mind lost for words in that moment of revelation. Even today I still receive intuitive inspiration which I document into my writings. For many readers this will be a judgement of my sanity, as those who are familiar with the symptoms of schizophrenia will tell you that the sufferer encounters seemingly bazaar religious identifications as such with Jesus Christ, and believes them self to be special in some way. However, I know very well that I am an ordinary human being, and at any time in life, any ordinary human being can encounter the most profound experiences regardless of their ailments, temporary or otherwise. And since my recoveries, my faith in Christ has only been strengthened, not in a religious sense, but that more so of a spiritual and mystic inclination. For the lay readers who feel uncomfortable with the word mystic, believing it to be some sort of cult association, the word mystic (as defined in World Book Encyclopaedia), is the name given to anyone whoachieves knowledge of God through direct awareness or personal intuition, rather than blind faith or logic. This knowledge specifically relates to the individuals realisation (not belief) of that. Realisation is when you become aware of something that you were not previously aware of, which initially may have only been a belief. When someone says for example I didnt realize how close it was. What they didnt know then, has been made known to them now. As with the most mundane, the same also applies just as simply for the most profound. Religion is an exterior practice, an indirect experience, relationship and knowledge of God handed down through tradition and dogmatic intercession, and in some cases can leave little room for personal awareness to grow independently. Personal awareness is internal contemplation, a direct experience, relationship and knowledge of The Creator, which is the path of the mystic; and it is the path that is trodden here in this screenplay. Religion is based on belief in God. Mysticism is based on the direct knowledge of God. A famous mystic once said words to this effect Belief, whether true or false, is lost in knowing, for it is no longer a belief anymore, but a knowing. As far as the media is concerned, it seems to be a trait to headline the extreme cases of schizophrenia and other related illnesses, which places a heavy burden on the rest of us who continue on with our every day life in a normal healthy manner. Society is only receiving half the story... What about the positive, success stories? It is true that schizophrenia is a very negative and devastating illness to suffer from, but with the way the media portrays mental illness in such a dark light, the general public is lead to believe and fear the worst from such, which is very inaccurate. For most of us who now keep regular lives, we still feel uncomfortable to share our secret with others due to social conditioning, fear, rejection and discrimination. There is so very little that mainstream society knows about the details of the mind and illnesses related to the mind. What people dont know or understand, they would rather not want to know or understand and prefer to stay in their safety zone of ignorance, while the sufferers continue to be branded by them as mad, deluded, evil outcasts. As well as the pain from our struggles, we also have to contend with the further unnecessary prejudice and stereotype abuse, which makes our life and endeavours many fold harder than those of the accepted population. To those who regard people having suffered from schizophrenia constantly completely psychotic, mad, insane, deluded, incapacitated, useless outcasts, or otherwise, and in no way capable of spiritual realization and attainment, your thoughts are limited and far from reality. This screenplay accounts for such an attainment; and remember, that we all

come from the same Source/Creator, and our essence, for each and every one of us all, is essentially that not of the body or mind, but that of the unity underlying all manifestation. As Spirit is everywhere, it saturates and encompasses everything, and therefore a true spiritual experience is non-prejudice and open to all individuals. Our journey may be much harder, but we equally share in Spirit; our birthright that we all have access to at any time, regardless of ailments, physical or mental, no matter how down fallen we may become. And our message that we bring back from our ordeals may be of far more reaching insight than that of the acclaimed individual of stable recognition, who may never have directly experienced such pains and trials first hand, or even have the capacity or will power to overcome. And if it wasnt for having such a breakdown, I wouldnt know half the things I know now. As my introductory quote states: those who are tried with the lowest misfortune are then humbled enough to receive the gifts of the universe. In the words of Brain L. Weiss, MD. from his book Many Lives, Many Masters I knew that no possible consequence I might face could prove to be as devastating as not sharing the knowledge I had gained about immortality and the true meaning of life. I loudly echo your words! With the troubles that our world faces at the moment, there could be no more important message than that of unity, which is the message of all true mystics. The way to unity is through acceptance, and that has always been the main hurdle to overcome for people in my position. Spen Spencer Perdriau