THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2010

THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
SEX
on thE
hILL
Editor
Alex Garrison
Managing editors
Erin Brown
Nick Gerik
Managingeditor, Kansan.com
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Sarah Kelly
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2 / SEX ON THE HILL / thursday, November 18, 2010 / THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN / kaNsaN.com
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Table of
contents
Fall 2010 Kansan staff
I
talk about sex a lot. Consider
it an occupational hazard. The
other day I found myself sitting
in Chipotle, discussing orgasms over
the phone. Six months ago, I would
have been mortified, but now it’s just
part of my job.
Editing Sex on the Hill has
prompted some of the most uncom-
fortable conversations of my life.
But it’s also forced me to get over
my hang-ups about sex. Now I can
discuss just about anything without
blushing.
That’s the beauty of Sex on the
Hill: It makes people talk about sex.
This issue has plenty of informa-
tion about protecting yourself from
STDs and unplanned pregnancy, but
there’s more to healthy sexuality than
just that.
Part of the college experience is
figuring out what we like, who we
like, and how we like it — and how
to nagivate the tricky social situa-
tions that surround our sex lives.
So in addition to the medical
stuff, you’ll find stories about sexual
identity, relationships, hooking up,
abstinence, the “walk of shame,” and
even a sexy-time playlist.
To have a healthy sex life, you’ll
need to get comfortable with your
sexuality. Openly discussing tough
topics — even if you have to giggle
through it — is the best way to over-
come sheepishness. I hope some-
thing in this issue gets you talking.
Note from
the editor
By SARAH KELLy
skelly@kansan.com
Health Q&A............
STDs.....................
International..........
Culture column.......
Female sexuality.....
Abstinence.............
PDA......................
Hooking up............
Label column.........
Pansexuality..........
Plan B pill..............
Coworkers............
Coming out...........
Long distance........
Online dating........
Sex playlist...........
Myths debunked....
Shacking..............
Photo illustration by Adam Buhler/KANSAN
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Cover photo illustration by Adam Buhler/KANSAN
FREE.
CONFIDENTIAL.
www.birthright.org
now what?
Unplanned Pregnancy? We Can Help.
Geoffrey Calvert
editor@kansan.com
It is no secret that many college
students are sexually active, and
many are not monogamous. While
sex is a fun activity for college
students, it carries with it potential
harmful consequences, most nota-
bly sexually transmitted diseases.
Young adults aged 15 to 24 are at
the highest risk of contract-
ing an STD, accord-
ing to the Center for
Di s e a s e
Control.
“It’s our belief that 1 out of 4
sexually active KU students will get
an STD through unprotected inter-
course. We call it a grassfire,” said
Patty Quinlan, supervisor of nurs-
ing at Watkins Memorial Health
Center.
Some of the commonly trans-
mitted STDs are HIV/AIDS,
genital herpes, syphilis and gon-
orrhea. STDs are transmitted not
only through vaginal sex, but
also through anal and oral sex.
According to Quinlan, chlamydia
and HPV are the most common
STDs and the easiest ones to
spread to another person.
“They’re transmitted eas-
ily because of the makeup of
the virus and bacteria,” Quinlan
said.
While abstinence is the most
surefire way to protect against
transmitting or receiving an STD,
many students have sex anyway.
But one practical way for students
to avoid contracting an STD is
to use a condom. The CDC has
determined that using a condom
is effective in lowering the risk
for transmitting
STDs that are
passed along
through cross-
contact of flu-
ids.
“ Co nd o ms
are an effec-
tive barrier if
intact and used
appropriately.
They are effec-
tive only for
the areas that it
covers. Genital warts, HPV and
syphilis are transmitted skin-to-
skin, and condoms can’t always
protect against those,” Quinlan
said. “Nothing will protect you if
you’re having unprotected sex.”
Two forms of HPV — the high-
risk forms that can lead to can-
cer — can be preempted by the
Gardasil vaccine. Syphilis can be
treated with antibiotic injections,
according to the CDC.
Many places in Lawrence offer
free condoms, including two
locations on the KU campus, the
Queers and Allies office and the
Student Union Association, both
located on the fourth floor of the
Kansas Union.
“It’s worthwhile to have one
available at your bedside,” Quinlan
said. “It’s too easy to come by to
not have one available.”
It‘s important to know how to
correctly use a condom, or it is
useless in protecting against STDs.
According to the University’s
Hawk Health website, 15 percent
of condom failures occur because
the condom was used incorrect-
ly. Oil-based lubricants, such as
Vaseline or baby oil, can damage
condoms. Use only water-based
lubricants. And carrying a con-
dom in a wallet or a back pocket
for an extended period of time can
cause condom damage.
“There can be damage to the
condom that the naked eye can’t
see. Viruses are microscopic so
they penetrate even if the con-
dom seems safe,” Quinlan said.
“Condoms should have an expira-
tion date.”
Vaginal sex isn’t the only way
to contract an STD. Oral sex also
carries a risk, though a smaller one
than vaginal or anal sex. According
to the CDC, some of the diseases
that can be contracted through oral
sex include HIV, herpes, genital
warts, syphilis, gonorrhea and hep-
atitis A. Some factors that lead to
contracting or transmitting STDs
are genital sores, bleeding gums
and oral ulcers.
— Edited by David Cawthon
By taylor lewis
editor@kansan.com
The scene is familiar. Boy meets
girl. Boy invites girl back to his
room. And things progress from
there.
But the hook-up doesn’t end in
the morning. According to Patty
Quinlan, nursing supervisor at
Watkins Memorial Health Center,
students are facing multiple sexual
health problems nowadays. She
said it’s important for students to
take some factors into consider-
ation before their next fling.
What should students consider
before having sex?
Be comfortable enough to carry
a condom with you, be it in your
wallet or your purse. It’s equally as
important for the females and the
males to be carrying condoms.
What is the biggest sexual
health concern that students are
facing today?
Well, the biggest concern is
contracting sexually transmitted
infections. I feel like they’re easily
spread. We treat a good number of
students who get sexually trans-
mitted infections. Very common
is chlamydia and genital warts.
What are the symptoms of
those STIs?
If you have any vaginal or penile
discharge — it may be discolored
or just a larger amount than nor-
mal — pain on intercourse, or
pain in general. Sometimes they’re
not symptomatic and that’s not
helpful, so the infection can grow
worse and they don’t know they
have it. Also, they should look for
any lumps or bumps that weren’t
there before in the vaginal area or
around the penis.
How can students avoid these
problems?
Become comfortable discussing
having sex with a partner and
there are many ways to do that.
They could role-play with their
friends. They could seek out a pro-
fessional or their physician, any
person they feel comfortable to
talk about something as intimate
as sexual relations so they can
become comfortable discussing it
before having a sexual relation-
ship. That helps avoid being in a
situation where you’re too uncom-
fortable to ask that condoms or
dental dams be used. Most times,
students are in a position to be
able to contract a STI because
they’re not comfortable talking
about it. It’s super important to me
that individuals become comfort-
able being able to discuss sex prior
to the encounter.
— Edited by Clark Goble
KANSAN.COM / THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN / ThurSdAy, NOveMber 18, 2010 / SEX ON THE HILL / 3
HEALTH
“Genital warts, HPV
and syphilis are trans-
mitted skin-to-skin, and
condoms can’t always
protect against those.”
PATTy quiNlAN
Watkins nursing supervisor
Watkins estimates 1 in 4 students will contract an STD while enrolled at the University
College years pose increased risk
WHERE TO fIND
fREE cONDOmS
campus
queers & Allies Ofce: Kan-
sas union, fourth foor
Student union Activities:
Kansas union, fourth foor

Downtown
Java break: 17 e. Seventh St.
8th Street Tap room: 801
New hampshire St.
henry’s Cofee house: 11 e.
eighth St.
The Third Planet: 846 Mas-
sachusetts St.
replay lounge: 946 Mas-
sachusetts St.
Jazzhaus: 926.5 Massachu-
setts St.
Source: Douglas County AIDS Project
Expert answers frequently
asked questions about sex
Q & A
Photo illustration by Chris Bronson
SEXUAL HEALTH
RESOURcES ON
cAmpUS
Ask-a-Nurse: • 785-864-
9583
Women’s Health: • 785-
864-9566
Health Education •
Resource
Ofce: • 785-864-9470
international
Foreign students
face culture clash
about sex, dating
BY HANNAH WISE
editor@kansan.com
Picture this: a man has feelings
for a woman. He tells his mother
about these feelings before going
out to get cofee with the woman.
Te mother gives her blessing and
the man proceeds to approach the
young lady about meeting at a cof-
fee shop.
Te day of the proposed “date”
arrives and the young lady and her
brother are there waiting. Tey all
talk and have a good time and then
return to their homes. Tis story is
just one example of how relation-
ships in the Islamic world exist.
Students at the University of
Kansas come from many difer-
ent backgrounds. Tis is especially
true for the more than 1,000 in-
ternational students ranging in
countries of origin from China to
Jamaica to Zambia. Each culture
has its own view on what is per-
missible and taboo when it comes
to speaking about dating and sex
and then more diferent views on
the actions.
For Ameri-
cans, dating
generally means
going out with
the other per-
son, perhaps
to grab some-
thing to eat and
see a movie.
Tere may be
two people or
a group going
out, it does not
really matter.
Te indi-
viduals generally do not tell their
parents right of, at least until they
know that “it is serious.” Tis is
not the case for Hestie Assinga, a
graduate student from Brazza-
ville, Democratic Republic of the
Congo. Marriage, sometimes ar-
ranged by the parents, is expected
of every woman in the Congo.
“You can’t make it ofcial when
you have a boyfriend. You just
hide, your family doesn’t have to
know about it because it is really
disrespectful. So we don’t intro-
duce our boyfriend to our par-
ents. Whatever you are doing you
just do it away from your family.
Most families when they fnd out,
you get blamed seriously and there
are some families that will go to
see the boy’s parents and tell them
about it and see if they can stop it,”
Assinga said.
Tis is very diferent from Ibra-
him Alanqar, a senior from Pales-
tine. In the Middle Eastern culture
and Muslim faith, one’s family and
the respect of family is extremely
important. It is important for every
action by a couple to be announced
to the rest of the community so
that a person’s status is clear.
“If a guy starts to see a lady and
people haven’t heard that they are
together, then
rumors will
start and that
is a huge deal.
Because if say
someone else is
interested, but
he heard these
rumors, then
he will think,
‘Okay, I prob-
ably should
stay away.’
Tat is why it
is important
the people make things ofcial and
clean so that nothing goes wrong,”
Alanqar said.
“Tat is why, when a person
starts to get interested in some-
body else, they try to make it kind
of formal. I would as my parents,
my father, my mom, especially in
Palestine, where I am from, you
start with the mom. She will go and
ask about the person, ‘Is she a good
girl?’ ‘Is it a good family?’ and then
afer that we can probably make it
ofcial.”
When Jalashree Mehta, a sopho-
more from Mumbai, India, decides
to start dating someone, it will be
with the idea that she will want to
marry him.
“It is kind of an unwritten ex-
pectation that people have that if
we are together, that we should try
to make this work no matter what,
unless it is like a really bad situa-
tion,” Mehta said. “On an average,
most people in India wait till they
get married to have sex. Marriage
is considered to be so sacred and
holy that once you do get married
to a person, that is when you want
to open up and become one. Do-
ing that before you get married,
and then it doesn’t work out, you
became one with a person and
then if you separate you lose part
of yourself.”
In many Asian cultures, students
are expected to focus on their stud-
ies the most. Yiming Che is a grad-
uate student from Beijing, China.
“In my high school I just knew
to study. Before college our parents
and teachers told us everything we
could and we should do. I always
liked the boys, but our parents and
teachers told us it was bad for our
studies,” Che said.
Sexual education is a part of
growing up for Americans, but
that’s not always the case in other
parts of the world.
Ivan Babkov, a sophomore, was
born in St. Petersburg, Russia, but
immigrated to Lansing, Mich.,
when he was 11. He can still re-
member many diferences between
Russian and American sexual edu-
cation.
“Up to the point where I was in
school, it was nonexistent. It all de-
pended upon the family that you
grew up with. You would have to
learn from the world around you,”
Babkov said.
Teen pregnancies in the United
States have recently been glamor-
ized in a sense by shows such as
MTV’s “Teen Mom.” However, still
many young women all over the
world have unplanned pregnancies
and they all deal with them difer-
ently.
“I know fve girls who took an
abortion,” Che said. “If you are a
teenager you are still a kid and you
cannot control your life. I never
heard a girl stop her studies for
a baby. Normal girls don’t know
something about sex because par-
ents and teachers never taught us
about it. We don’t know how to
protect ourselves. Tat is why so
many girls get an abortion.”
Assinga said unplanned preg-
nancies occur in the Congo and
the girls are expected to keep the
child.
“We have a lot of teens now
getting pregnant,” Assinga said.
“When you get pregnant and your
family knows about it, they will
take you to your boy’s family and
they will have to take care of you
because they have responsibility.”
Even with the diferences in cul-
ture between the United States and
the rest of the world, when it comes
to actually going out on a date, the
activities really do not change all
that much. Te main diferences
occur in how to handle the rela-
tionships within the family and
what is socially acceptable.
—Edited by Clark Goble
Photo illustration by Ben Pirotte/KANSAN
The rules of dating and sexual morals are sometimes more complicated for international students.
“Normal girls don’t know
something about sex
because parents and
teachers never taught us
about it.”
Yeming Che
Beijing graduate student
L
ike many American teenag-
ers, I grew up watching mov-
ies like “EuroTrip” with its
Dutch dominatrix, and “American
Pie” with its naughty Czech
exchange student Nadia. But unlike
American teenagers, I could have
been one of those sexual targets.
I was born in an Eastern
European country — Poland — and
grew up in a Western European
country — Germany. I was born
“Karolina Bledowska” and my
accent has so far been described
as a mixture of German-Polish-
Midwestern-American-English.
According to frequent European
stereotypes in movies, that would
make me the typical American boy’s
sexual dream, right? I don’t know
about that. But a guy told me a
few months ago that he absolutely
loves women with an accent. Well,
too bad I’m not into guys who love
women only because of their accent.
Every culture is stereotyped by
other cultures. It’s our way of under-
standing each culture and simplify-
ing their usually complex heritage.
Often though, stereotypes only lead
to misconceptions and false accusa-
tions, as is certainly the case with
the stereotype of the sexually avail-
able and promiscuous European
woman.
Europeans have fewer sexual
partners than Americans, which
makes them less promiscuous. A
study published in Family Planning
Perspectives in 2001 compared the
sexual activity, safety, sexual disease
and teen pregnancy rates of the
U.S. and five European countries. It
found not only more promiscuity,
but also a higher teen pregnancy
rate, less use of contraceptives and a
higher level of STDs in the U.S.
A similar study by Advocates for
Youth later in the decade showed
that teen pregnancy is four times
higher in the U.S. than in Germany.
The U.S. abortion rate per 1,000
women is twice as high as in
Germany, even though abortion has
serious restrictions in some states,
but is completely legal in all of
Germany.
The latter study concluded that
the European countries with lower
rates — Germany, France, and the
Netherlands — all emphasize man-
datory sexual education in school
and value the individual as a sexual
being with needs and desires. Those
countries find information on sex
and safety more important than
opinions by religious groups or per-
sonal preferences.
These are the same reasons I
would give for the creation of the
common female European stereo-
type. The European woman is con-
fident and educated in her sexuality
because her culture is more open
to communication about sex and
accepts sexual activity and experi-
mentation in youth.
In school, I received mandatory
sex education, including two extra
sessions on HIV, one of which was
in the local center for drug addicts.
In magazines, I saw pictures of nude
men and women in non-suggestive
poses, which showed me the vari-
ous types of human bodies rather
than the “ideal” body generated by
advertising. In those magazines, I
also read about common questions
and problems surrounding teen
sexuality even before I decided to
have sex. When I was ready, I knew
that I didn’t have to lie about it, not
even to my parents.
I grew up in a society that treats
sex as a part of life, not as a sin or
marital duty. I grew up with enough
information on sexual health to fill
an abortion clinic. And I’m glad
I grew up in a society that let me
ask any question I wanted without
being judged as immoral or inde-
cent, even when I asked my parents
about the first time they had sex
(although I still don’t know what
had gotten into me that day).
—Bledowski is agraduate student fromCracow,
Poland, injournalism.
BY CArolINE BlEdoWSkI
cbledowski@kansan.com
commentary
society
Women still face obstacles on track to sexual fulfllment
European
outlook is
more open
BY Noopur GoEl
editor@kansan.com

Cirilla’s manager Allison Ortego
has noticed a trend in her custom-
ers.
“Older couples are a little more
experimental,” Ortego said. “They
usually end up buying porn togeth-
er, toys like anal toys and vibra-
tors.”
Ortego has also noticed that
older couples are more likely to try
out fetishes such as bondage. She
says that most people don’t get into
bondage until their 30s or 40s. The
closest the college-aged group gets
is buying fuzzy handcuffs.
“I can usually spot them when
they walk in the door,” Ortego said.
“People that want to try something
new but they’re kind of scared.
They usually don’t want leather
harnesses or anything.”
Ortego says that the most com-
mon items for a college-age woman
to buy is a vibrator or vibrating
cock ring. Although some women
are conformable buying these items
at a store, others are still uneasy
with the idea.
“Its kinda like buying tampons,”
said Sera Lanzer, a freshman from
Overland Park. “Every girl does it,
but still we’re always afraid of who
we’re going to see at the store.”
The results of the National
Survey of Sexual Health and
Behavior, published in October’s
Journal of Sexual Medicine, give
evidence of the discomfort women
have with their own sexuality.
The survey was conducted at
Indiana University to honor the
60th anniversary of the Kinsey
Reports, which were conducted at
that very institution.
The Kinsey Reports were con-
structed by Dr. Alfred Kinsey in
the 1930s and 40s after extensive
research on the American sexu-
al experience. Kinsey’s findings
shocked the nation, and revealed
some interesting insight into what
really happens behind the closed
doors of an American bedroom.
The results of the NSSHB also
reveal some new and intriguing
data about sex in America.
According to the NSSHB, mas-
turbation is the sexual activity
men experience the most through-
out their lifetime, while vaginal
intercourse is most common for
women.
“That sounds about right,”
Lanzer said. “Men don’t need any-
one else to masturbate, they can
just do it themselves, and women
don’t really think of sex much out-
side of vaginal sex.”
The NSSHB revealed that 61 to
63 percent of men in the college-
going age group have masturbated
in the past month, while only 26 to
43 percent of college women have
done the same.
Graduate student Jordan Wade
believes that this may be because of
the societal constructs on women.
“Women aren’t supposed to be
sexuality inclined,” Wade said. “The
female orgasm was only acknowl-
edged in the past few years. I think
we’re a little behind on that.”
The director of women, gen-
der, and sexuality studies, John
Younger, agrees with the sentiment
that society affects how a woman
views herself.
“Society expects women to ser-
vice men sexually,” Younger said.
“And since men have an orgasm
time that is really, really short,
women are often sexually unsatis-
fied, and they are taught that that
is OK.”
Younger believes there is always
a power dynamic involved with
sex, and society usually reserves
that power for the men. He points
to an example of an exercise he
often assigns to his introductory
archaeology classes. He asks the
students to create their own deity,
and every now and then, he comes
across a student, usually female,
who has created a penis god.
“The first time I ran across this I
thought, ‘Oh my god, this woman
is so socialized she thinks the
most important thing is a phallus,”
Younger said.
This power that women give to
men can be expressed in various
ways.
“One is to be sexually repressed,
so that the man has control,”
Younger said. “Another is to be
slut-like and to service the men,
because that’s what men want.”
To escape from this power
dynamic, many women choose to
experiment with same-sex sexual
experiences, a phemomenon seen
not only in the current era, but also
throughout history.
“Men are out there in the mar-
ketplace doing this, this and this,
shacking up with young boys,”
Younger said. “What is the woman
going to do but, hey, find herself
a girlfriend. This has been written
about for 180 years.”
The NSSHB recently reported
that 10 percent of women between
the ages of 16 and 49 have partici-
pated in a same-sex experience in
the past year.
“It is socially OK for two girls to
make out at a party and not be con-
sidered lesbians,” said Pedro Lopez,
a sophomore from Prairie Village.
Societal acceptance seems to be
the most influential element that
determines how comfortable a
woman is with her sexuality. When
society tells her it is not okay to
masturbate she doesn’t do it. But
when society tells her it is okay to
have relations with another woman,
she has no problem experimenting
with it.
The NSSHB, like the original
Kinsey Reports, seeks to educate
the nation about what is actually
occurring around the country.
Perhaps knowing that they are not
alone in certain sexual experimen-
tation will allow women to widen
their view on “acceptable” sexual
behavior, and become more com-
fortable with their own sexuality.
“Knowledge and open discus-
sion are the path to societal change
that lead us away from viewing
sexuality primarily in negative
terms and towards viewing sexual-
ity as a part of life that is whole-
some and pleasurable,” said former
Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders
in her introduction for the NSSHB
journal article.
—Editedby Michael Bednar
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4 / seX on tHe Hill / thursdaY, novemBer 18, 2010 / tHe UniVersity Daily Kansan / kansan.Com
KANSAN.COM / THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN / THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2010 / SEX ON THE HILL / 5
Jacklyn Baillergeon
editor@kansan.com
As sex becomes a more open
subject in society, it seems
abstinence is less practiced than
generations before. So that must
mean everyone around is having
sex, right? Wrong. While the
Center for Disease Control and
Prevention reports 55 percent of
college students have sex every
month, Milton Wendland, a
doctoral student in American
Studies and a graduate teaching
assistant in women, gender and
sexuality studies, said the actual
number could be lower.
“We don’t have any reliable
numbers for how many college
students are engaging in sexual
activity because ‘sexual activity’
means diferent things to diferent
people,” Wendland said.
Students have a variety of
reasons for avoiding sex, ranging
from religious and moral reasons to
health and safety concerns. Tere
are also emotional reasons.
“Abstinence can ofer some
reduction of health risks, like STDs,”
Wendland said. Tis is only true if
one abstains 100 percent
from all physical contact
with another person.
Kissing and oral sex can still
open the possibility for
transmission of STDs.
Wendland said there
were additions to the
physical benefts of
remaining abstinent.
“For some people
abstinence can ofer a
mental health beneft
as well,” Wendland
said. “If you aren’t
ready to be
physically
i nt i ma t e
w i t h
anyone, then
sexual activity may cause a great
deal of emotional distress or guilt.”
Paul Johnson, a freshman from
Wichita, said he had more than one
reason for staying abstinent.
“Biologically, we are not made
to have multiple sex partners, and
we are much less likely to get STDs
or unwanted pregnancies if we
practice abstinence,” Johnson said.
Johnson added that he stays
celibate for moral reasons.
“Sex is a sacred act that must
be respected and saved for the
right person,” Johnson said. “If we
cannot wait to have sex with our
future spouse, how can we expect
to remain faithful to them during
marriage? It cannot become a
pleasure-seeking habit. It should
be looked at in a deeper way — as
more of a self-gif for another.”
Carter Zielinski, a sophomore
from Overland Park, also abstains
and said he hoped to fnd a partner
with similar values.
Zielinski said he believes society
is over sexualized.
Students in relationships are also
avoiding sex. Lauren Hammond, a
freshman from Shawnee, was in a
long-term relationship and avoided
having sex. Hammond said she
believes being abstinent made her
relationship stronger.
“I was in a relationship because I
wanted to be in one, not because of
sex,” Hammond said. “You can still
be close without having sex.
“Every experience I’ve had
with people having sex with their
boyfriend or girlfriend becomes
a way bigger deal, or they stay in
a relationship they shouldn’t be
in so they can keep having sex. I
personally don’t think it’s worth it.”
Along with moral and health
reasons, gender roles and the
pressure of being made fun of for
having or not having sex also play a
role in a person’s sexual behavior.
“Diferent notions of what it is to
be a ‘real man’ or a ‘good woman’
means that it is common for men
to feel pressured to be sexually
active or to embellish their sexual
activities, while for many women,
there is a pressure to abstain from
sexual activity or downplay their
sexual behavior,” Wendland said.
Kayla Eddins, a freshman from
Lenexa, said she agreed that she has
noticed many people have either
claimed to be abstinent while they
have been having sex or have said
they have had sex while they have
been practicing abstinence in
order to try to ft in with the rest
of society.
“People who are religious or
raised that way sometimes claim
they’re abstinent while they’re
really having sex,” Eddins said.
“On the other hand, the older we
get, the easier it is to try to hint
that you have had sex while you
really haven’t because it’s hard to be
diferent.”
Eddins said she disagreed with
the notion that society would be
better of if more people abstained
from sex.
“Abstinence shouldn’t be
mandated for everyone,” Eddins
said. “It’s a personal choice. You
shouldn’t be ashamed of your
own body. Tere’s not anything to
be guilty of for having sex before
marriage.”
Wendland also said that having
sex with a signifcant other is not
necessarily a bad thing. If both
partners are informed and the
sexual activity is consensual, he said
it can be an incredibly pleasurable
experience for the mind and body.
For students who want to avoid
sexual activity but still want to
experience intimacy, Wendland
suggested some alternatives.
“Tere’s a full range of possibilities
for producing physical and
emotional pleasure without actual
‘doing it,’” Wendland said. Tose
possibilities included massage and
cuddling, masturbation, and use of
props and toys.
“As long as you’re being careful
and safe and know who you’re
sleeping with you should be fne,”
Eddins said. She suggests getting
to know the person, asking about
STDs, and always practicing safe
sex.
While Eddins believes abstinence
isn’t necessary, she does have a
warning for those wanting to
become sexually active.
“If you choose not to be
abstinent you need to be OK with
that decision,” Eddins said.
— Edited by Anna Nordling
By Tanvi nimkar
editor@kansan.com
Public displays of affection
are a common sight on any walk
through campus — holding hands,
quick kisses and hugs, make-out
sessions in the open air or covertly
in secret spots around campus.
Typically PDA is harmless but there
is a limit, for which the appropriate
response is, “Get a room.” There
is the cliché of deserted library
stacks for romantic encounters, but
there are other covert spots around
campus.
During a Career Services event
last year, a few volunteers such as
Erin Wolfram, associate director
of the University Career Center,
noticed a number of students with
large hickeys enter the Kansas
Union from the adjacent parking
garage. Wolfram was taken by sur-
prise because she didn’t think a
parking garage was a good place
to make out. Although most PDA
is not a crime, there are several
situations where it is absolutely
inappropriate.
“Anything in a business or work
environment is inappropriate,”
Wolfram said. “Everything should
be professional.”
Business and academic settings
are considered off-limits because
the focus must be work. Anything
beyond these settings seems to be
fair game.
A parking garage is a sensible
choice because of the dark seclu-
sion and the fact that most people
do not spend much time in the
garage so the chances of being seen
are slim. There is a downside to
the garage as well, though. Noise
echoes in the garage, so if someone
happens to be wandering around,
he or she could hear everything.
Also there is the danger of cars
driving around in the darkness of
the garage.
Another common spot that is
not secret is the sidewalk, espe-
cially after sporting events. The
dilemma occurs when people are
walking back to their car after a
game and in the middle of the
sidewalk there is a couple making
out without a care. In the crowd
of people leaving, simply side-
stepping the affectionate couple is
harder than you may think.
Often a person’s reaction to this
sighting can be just as interest-
ing as the PDA itself. Senior Jon
Moore says if he saw inappropriate
PDA, his first thought would be
that the relationship wouldn’t last
very long.
Colin Barnes says he would
more than likely just ignore the
couple because he has better things
to do.
Not all PDA is simply making
out. It includes even the simplest
affectionate gestures, such as hold-
ing hands or a kiss on the cheek.
Most students find these gestures
acceptable. For example junior
Julia Miggins admits to holding
hands or briefly kissing on cam-
pus.
It is hard to know where to draw
the line. Barnes says a hug or kiss is
fine but a kiss with tongue is a bit
much which is similar to Miggins’
judgement.
— Edited by David Cawthon
Public displays of afection common on college campuses
Celibate students put the brakes on sex, for now
Howard Ting/KANSAN
AbSTINENcE
ETTIqUETTE
Photo illustration by Dalton Gomez/KANSAN
PDA can be as simple as holding hands or a kiss.
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S
ex is not just for sluts. It’s
a radical statement surely,
but someone has to say it.
Despite what we see in movies
and read about in books, sex
is still regarded as something
dirty and shameful. Everyone is
always talking about how skanky
“insert name of your friend
here” was at Friday’s party or
what a man-whore your biology
lab partner is, basically scaring
each other into thinking that sex
is something for the skanks and
douchey guys of the world. No
one wants to be a “slut,” therefore
people don’t address sex for the
basic human need that it is.
Sex is a primal instinct. It
is encoded into our biological
system. Everyone in the world
does it, will do it or at the very
least is the
product of
it. While it
is not every-
thing, sex is
an integral
part of life.
So why do
we feel the
need to label
it as some-
thing bad?
Sex shouldn’t be shameful and
it shouldn’t be “slutty.” In fact,
I hereby revoke the use of that
word. Wanting to have, or hav-
ing sex does not make someone
a slut. It makes you human. As
long as you practice sex in a safe
and healthy way, I say go forth
and buy condoms!
We all think about it, so why
d o e s
s o c i e t y
c o n -
d e m n
t h o s e
that act
on it?
There is
no need
to judge
e a c h
other for
our sexual appetites. To repress
something so natural causes
internal conflict and frustration.
Just be honest with yourself.
You can want sex just for the sake
of having sex. There is no need
to dress the issue up with a bow
or a relationship. You don’t have
to fake a deeper meaning for it.
As long as both people involved
know what they are getting out
of the interaction, I see nothing
wrong with it. Sure, feelings are
involved with sex but they don’t
necessarily have to be feelings of
love. Sex can work just fine on
mutual feelings of attraction and
the basic need itself.
Now, I’m not advocating for
people to go out and sleep with
a new person every night —
although if that is your preroga-
tive and you are being safe about
it, then you are adult enough
to make your own decisions. It
is important to retain a level
of self-respect. Only do what
you want, and what makes you
happy.
This is the 21st century —
times have changed. No one
expects sex to wait until mar-
riage. It is better to discover who
you are and what you want before
making a promise you aren’t sure
you can keep. Sex does not have
to be the big taboo subject that
our grade school teachers made
it out to be. Let’s stop the name-
calling and grow up. We are all
of age to make the right decision
for ourselves. If all else fails, we
can always stand to listen to
the advice of our elders. As my
good friend Marvin Gaye says,
“You don’t have to worry that it’s
wrong. If the spirit moves you,
let me groove you good.”
—Edited by Alex Tretbar
By Danielle Valliere
editor@kansan.com
To hook up or not to hook up,
that is the question.
This question is an old one, but
certainly not obsolete. Hook-ups
on college campuses appear to
be the norm, with up to 81 per-
cent of college students reporting
having engaged in at least one,
according to a study published in
Archives of Sexual Health.
The study investigated the
effects that casual sex has on
women and men. It suggested
that casual sex in women led
to lower self-esteem and higher
distress. Conversely, casual sex
among men was linked to higher
self-esteem .
“I think girls go into it hoping
the guy calls or texts them the
next day even though they’re cool
sleeping with them the night they
meet,” Allie Miller, a sophomore
from Frisco, Texas said. “Guys
are just thinking about the one
night. Rejection causes women
distress because they hook up to
feel accepted. It’s fun, but girls
want someone to like them and
be interested in them. When the
guy’s done and he’s not inter-
ested, girls get upset.”
Dhyana Coil is chairwom-
an of the Sexuality Education
Committee, a student organiza-
tion that promotes healthy sexu-
ality education. She said she did
not agree with the study’s find-
ings.
“My hunch is to say that if
women have lower self-esteem to
begin with, then they may tend to
deal with that by seeking valida-
tion with many sexual partners,”
Coil said.
Coil said she did not believe
men and women necessarily had
different emotional reactions to
sexual hook-ups.
“I have female friends who
are very happy to have multiple
sexual partners and I have male
friends who are self-described
as too emotional to be able to
enjoy one night stands,” she said.
“I don’t think men and women
are as different as our history
and culture would have us think
and people’s differing reactions
are just more based on the indi-
vidual.”
And, frequently, the stresses
of college make individuals seek
less-stressful releases.
“School’s hard enough as it is,”
Miller said. “Relationships aren’t
easy. Hook-ups are simple, quick,
fun and not a lot of work.”
In the past, a double standard
was present in society’s percep-
tions of men and women in rela-
tion to number of sexual partners.
As a woman
acquired a
certain num-
ber of part-
ners, she was
labeled, but
a man could
usually get
away with
promiscuity.
“This defi-
nitely still
exists,” Miller said. “If a guy hears
a girl has been with a ton of
guys, he won’t even touch her.
Being called ‘slutty’ or a ‘whore’
really messes with girls mentally
and psychologically, while guys
become the coolest dudes.”
Miller said she thought women
were likely to hook up with the
same man to keep their number
of sexual partners down.
“Girls definitely would try
their hardest
to get the same
guys to sleep
with them more
than once,” she
said. “We’re not
like guys and
don’t look for
meaningless sex.
Just because I
want to have sex
doesn’t mean I
want to sleep with every guy.”
Some of the consequences of
engaging in casual sex and sexual
hook-ups include risks of preg-
nancy and sexually transmitted
infection, in addition to emo-
tional damage.
“I don’t want to get to the
point where I can’t remember the
name and face and exact number
of guys I’ve slept with,” Miller
said. “Hooking up is perfectly
fine if you’re having fun, but be
smart. Don’t make it into risking
STDs and pregnancies. If you’re
old enough to have sex, you’re
old enough to be smart about
it, too.”
Coil said ultimately, when
it came to casual sex, knowing
yourself made all the difference.
“I do think it is possible to
emotionally distance oneself to
avoid being hurt,” Coil said. “I
don’t think that it is possible for
all people. Some people start to
get emotionally attached after a
certain amount of time together
no matter their initial inten-
tions.”
— Edited by Emily McCoy
casual encounters
Hooking up common, but not for everyone
A recent study suggests casual encounters lower women’s self-esteem and raise men’s, but some students and experts disagree
“I do think it is possible
to emotionally distance
oneself to avoid being
hurt.”
dhyana coil
Sexuality Education committee
Let’s take the shame and ‘slut’ out of sex
commentary
What do
you think?
By HannaH wise
sammi Golden
chicago freshman
“anything from a kiss to anything
after that.”
What does ‘hooking
up’ mean to you?
amy Van
Wichita sophomore
“it is being physically intimate
with someone like kissing or mak-
ing out."
Jerron ashby
Kansas city, Kan., freshman
“it has to be sex. it just depends
on who says it, like if an old person
says it, it could mean something
else.”
ashton capps
Wichita freshman
“More than making out.”
Grant binGham
edmond, okla., freshman
“a short-term relationship.”
By Jessie BlakeBorougH
editor@kansan.com
6 / seX on the hill / thurSday, novEMbEr 18, 2010 / the uniVersity daily Kansan / kanSan.coM
By Allison Bond
editor@kansan.com
Plan B One Step is a pill used
as an emergency birth control
option for those worried that
they might become pregnant.
According to planbonestep.com,
the official website, if taken cor-
rectly, seven out of eight women
will not become pregnant. Cathy
Thrasher, head pharmacist at
Student Health Services, said
75 students bought Plan B One
Step at Watkins Health Center in
October, and that this was an aver-
age number. While many students
are purchasing Plan B One Step,
there are still many unanswered
questions about the drug.
Plan B One Step has been on
the market for 10 years, and has
become more popular since it
became an over-the-counter drug
in 2006. Originally approved by
the FDA in July 1999, it is the only
emergency contraception available
with just one pill. Next Choice, a
generic off brand of Plan B One
Step, is an emergency contracep-
tion that requires two pills taken
at the same time.
The most common miscon-
ception with Plan B One Step is
that it is an abortion pill, said
Sarah Gillooly, a representative of
Planned Parenthood.
“It is something people tend to
get confused about,” Gillooly said.
According to One Step’s edu-
cational website, Plan B is not an
RU-486 abortion pill. While an
RU-486 drug will end an existing
pregnancy, Plan B won’t work if
the user is already pregnant and
it will not affect an existing preg-
nancy. The sooner Plan B One
Step is taken the more effective
it is in preventing pregnancy for
occuring. It is most effective if
taken within 24 hours.
“Plan B can be a really valuable
tool to avoid an unplanned preg-
nancy,” Gillooly said.
However, Plan B should only be
used in emergency situations such
as condom breakage and never as
a first line of birth control, health
officals say.
“We believe Plan B should be
used as a back-up plan and not as
a regular birth control,” Gillooly
said. “It is important to remember
and realize that it is a high dose of
the same hormones contained in
a woman’s monthly pack of birth
control pills.”
— Edited by Abbey Strusz
KANSAN.COM / THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN / THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2010 / SEX ON THE HILL / 7
By Jessie
BlAkeBorough
editor@kansan.com
Every teenager feels
misunderstood at some point. For
Emily, this held a little more truth.
While her peers were arguing for
later curfews, Emily, a KU student
who did not want her full name
used because she is not out to her
parents, was questioning bigger
issues. She understood early
on that she
did not ft into
society’s “conventional”
molds. It wasn’t until high
school that Emily was able to
categorize her feelings, and even
then she wasn’t sure if anyone
would understand her. Emily is
not gay. She is pansexual.
Te four best known groups
of sexuality are heterosexuality,
homosexuality, bisexuality and
transsexualism. However, not
everyone fts into these groups,
and there is little education
regarding pansexuality. Emily
experienced a similar disconnect
growing up and it was years before
she was introduced to the term.
“It is really interesting to know
how you feel before you can even
put a label on it,” Emily said.
Because pansexuality is a
relatively new term, it causes a
lot of misunderstanding in both
gay and straight communities.
Most commonly it is ofen
confused with bisexuality, which
is the attraction to both male and
female genders; “bi” meaning
two. Pansexuality difers in that it
focuses on certain characteristics,
or emotional connections that
can be found regardless of
gender identity or biological sex.
Pansexuals have the capability
to become sexually, emotionally
or spiritually attracted to all
genders.
“Bisexuality is very black and
white. But for me, it’s anything.
It doesn’t matter what the outside
is,” Emily said.
Some pansexuals claim to be
gender blind or neutral. Tis
means that gender does not factor
into attraction or sexual desire
in potential mates. Pansexuals
can be attracted to women, men,
transgendered, androgynous
or gender-fuid people. Emily
says most people assume she is
too embarrassed to admit she
is bisexual or gay when she tells
them she is pansexual.
“People don’t have to
understand my sexuality, I know
what it is to me,” Emily said.
Problems Emily runs into
afer explaining her sexuality
ofen involve women thinking
she is hitting on them, and past
boyfriends assuming she will
cheat with women.
“A straight girl is not attracted
to every guy she sees just like I am
not attracted to everything with
two legs,” Emily said.
Queers & Allies President
Sara Tompson jokes that the
acronym LGBTQQ (Lesbian, Gay,
Bisexual, Transgendered, Queer
and Questioning) is becoming
more like alphabet soup with each
new term. She reminds people to
be comfortable with themselves
and their sexuality in whatever
way they deem to express it.
“Te most important thing
about your sense of self is being
honest with yourself,” Tompson
said. “You can label yourself
whatever you want as long as you
truly believe that the chosen label
is for you. Tat being said, don’t
over think labels.”
Emily suggests that pansexuality
could hold more insight for the
straight community than the gay
community since members of the
gay community already admit to
being attracted to members of the
same sex.
“If anyone has ever had crush
on somebody of their same
gender and has thought, ‘Man
I wish they weren’t a girl/guy’,
you should really think about
what pansexuality is,” Emily
said. “Gender shouldn’t matter, if
you feel like you want to be with
someone then you should.”
Language will always create
barriers. Terms can ofen be
manipulated and context can
be misinterpreted. Instead of
addressing complex issues, people
tend to avoid them to keep from
being ofensive.
“To me it’s always been like
people did not understand, so
pansexuality has almost been a
taboo word, but now that it is
being discussed I hope that it
helps people who are struggling
with their identity fgure it out,”
Emily said.
—Editedby DavidCawthon
Beyond gay, straight and bisexual
IDENTITY
Pansexuals connect sexually, emotionally with individuals across the gender spectrum
Morning-afer pill
widely available
for emergencies
HEALTH
P
h
o
to
illu
stratio
n
b
y Evan
P
alm
er/K
A
N
SA
N
Photo illustration Dalton Gomez/KANSAN
Emergency contraception reduces the chances of pregnacy after unprotected sex or if another method of contraception fails. Plan B and the generic Next Choice are available at most pharmacies.
wHERE pLAN b IS
AVAILAbLE
Target
Plan B One Step: $39.41
Next Choice: $24.78
walmart
Plan B One Step: $51.52
Next Choice: $43.79
Dillons
Plan B One Step: $52.59
Next Choice: $38.39
walgreens
Plan B One Step: $41.99
Next Choice: $44.99
watkins Health Center
Plan B One Step: $24.99
Does not ofer Next
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By Jessie
BlakeBorough
editor@kansan.com
The rush alone is almost worth
the risk. Knowing it’s against the
rules, but not caring. Stealing time
for kisses in the supply closet.
Bumping into each other on pur-
pose — but only the two of you
know that.
Hooking up with or dating
friends and coworkers can be
thrilling, but what happens when
things go wrong? Is it possible
to balance a romantic fling and
maintain a civil work environ-
ment? Six KU students offer their
stories and advice on this matter,
in a quest to answer the age-old
question, ‘Can you mix business
and pleasure?’
Be careful what you
wish for
For Jon Mura, a freshman
from Grandview, Mo., hooking
up wasn’t all
it was cracked
up to be. What
started out
as a mutual,
n o - s t r i n g s -
attached agree-
ment between
friends turned
into an awk-
ward situation
when she sud-
denly became
very attached.
“If you are
friends with someone and would
like to take it to a sexual level,
don’t,” Mura said. “If you want to
take it to a romantic level, don’t
start with sex.”
Mura suggested building up
friendships based on common
interests before taking it to a phys-
ical level. He said otherwise rela-
tions would become strained.
“Hooking up can turn your
circle of friends into an awkward
tangle and leaves you asking ‘How
can I untangle the knot?’ when the
real answer is you should never
have tied the knot in the first
place,” Mura said.
happiness is on the
horizon
Donna Jo Harkrider, a junior
from Tulsa, Okla., has not run
into any difficulties with dating
a coworker. As resident assistants
in the dorms, students who date
coworkers worry about literally
living with the consequences of a
broken relationship.
Harkrider said she believed
in taking time to get to know
a partner, not just rushing into
something. She said her relation-
ship was the result of a year-long
friendship that blossomed into
something more.
“When my current boyfriend
and I started dating, the most
common comment we got was,
‘Someone owes me ten bucks.’ It
was like everyone saw it coming
and they have been very support-
ive of us,” Harkrider said.
For Harkrider, the key lies
in remaining individual people
while at work. She said she avoid-
ed creating
a clique-like
atmosphere.
“When you
work where
you live things
get tricky. As
a staff we can’t
be our own
unit, we have
to contribute
as individuals,”
Harkrider said.
“You don’t want
your personal
relationship to bleed into the work
environment.”
the view from the
other side
The little tiffs couples go
through can cause strained rela-
tions at work. A common com-
plaint against hooking up or
dating a fellow employee is the
awkward situation that results for
other staff members.
Abbie Kendall, a freshman from
Dallas, witnessed first-hand how
personal relationships can affect
an entire work unit. When her
fellow employee became involved
with a manager, the whole staff
suffered the consequences of their
indiscretion.
“Human resources had to come
in and interview everyone at the
store and our manager ended up
getting fired for hooking up with
an employee,” Kendall said. “The
whole thing was really uncom-
fortable.”
John McKernen, a sophomore
from Leawood, on the other hand,
said he didn’t believe his relation-
ship bothered his fellow co-work-
ers. In fact, he thought it had the
opposite effect.
“It seemed like everyone was
excited to have something to gos-
sip about,” McKernen said.
talking together —
advice from a real,
live couple
Four months into their rela-
tionship, Pat Bayer, a junior from
Overland Park, and Emily Bissell,
a sophomore from McPherson,
are now in a comfortable rhythm.
Things weren’t always so easy,
however. When they first met last
year, Bayer was a resident assitant
and Bissell a resident in Hashinger
Hall. University Housing has strict
policies against RAs dating resi-
dents.
“I knew I couldn’t let it go, so I
talked to my boss,” Bayer said.
Even after the OK from superi-
ors and support from friends and
coworkers, Bayer and Bissell didn’t
rush into anything.
“We took it really slow so it
removed the chance of drama if it
wasn’t going to work,” Bissell said.
Bayer also suggested setting
clear boundaries about what was
about work and keeping the rela-
tionship out of it. If he has to do
something for his job, he said,
she understands it’s not personal.
He says an understanding and
respect for each person’s positions
and feelings keeps things running
smoothly.
“It takes a level of maturity to
know how to handle situations like
this because ultimately if it ends, it
has to end well,” Bayer said.
lessons learned
In the end, students in this situ-
ation have some common advice.
Tey recommend taking the time
to consider how the relationship
will afect themselves and their co-
workers. Don’t let personal feelings
— loving or bickering — override
your ability to maintain a profes-
sional work environment, they say.
— Edited by Dana Meredith
relationships
Dating can get dicey in the workplace
Jessica Janasz/KANSAN
Students who have been in relationships with coworkers recommend setting boundaries between work and play. Otherwise, things can quickly get awkward for fellowemployees.
“Hooking up can turn
your circle of friends into
an awkward tangle and
leaves you asking ‘How
can I untangle the knot?”
Jon Mura
Grandview, Mo., freshman
10 / seX on the hill / thursday, noveMber 18, 2010 / the university daily kansan / kansan.coM
By Sara Sneath
editor@kansan.com
Sophomore Alex Jensen came
out to a close friend in high
school. But it wasn’t until he got
to college and became a member
of Delta Lambda Phi, a fraternity
welcoming of all sexual orienta-
tions, that he decided to share his
sexuality with his family. So far,
they have been supportive, and
have even urged Jensen to come
out to his more distant relatives.
Nevertheless, he remains hesitant
to inform everyone.
“The whole coming-out process
can be liberating, but you know
I’m not sure that we should have
to do it in a way that we are sort of
disadvantaged,” says Jensen.
“If people ask me then I will
tell them, but I’m not going to
have a random conversation with
them about it,” Jensen said. “My
theory is they didn’t come to me
and say, ‘well, we’re straight,’ and
ask me to be okay with that. So,
I’m not going to go to them and
say the same thing.”
Unfortunately, there is no flow
chart or 10-step procedure to com-
ing out; the process
is as individual,
fluid and com-
plex as sexuality.
Tyler Mulholland,
a junior from
Lenexa, emphasizes
that not everyone’s
coming-out expe-
rience is horrific.
But whether you
are the one com-
ing out or you are
the supporter, there
are many things to
keep in mind.
“I think that it is important
for people to understand that it
is a completely individualized
proces. People who face this
issue have to consider a number
of different variables, including
their safety,” said Diane Genther,
the University’s LGBT Resource
Center coordinator. For those who
are in the process of exploring
their sexuality, Genther recom-
mends creating a support group
of friends, counselors and LGBT
peers.
Genther emphasized that if
someone comes out to you, it does
not mean he or she is ready or
willing to come out to everyone. It
can be a new and exciting time in
a person’s life, but it is important
to respect their privacy. Genther
said that though some people may
be fine with sharing the news, “it
is important that you have con-
versations with that person about
what they would like you to do
with that information.”
Renee Rivera recently faced
this consideration. She has been
out to her family and to close
personal friends for about two
years now, but waited until this
year’s Coming Out Day, which was
last month, to tell acquaintances
and classmates she is gay. Because
Rivera is a student in the School of
Education at the University, com-
ing out was an
especially sen-
sitive issue for
her.
“My biggest
fear is that when
I start teaching,
a parent will ask
for their child to
be taken out of
my classroom
because I’m gay,”
Rivera said.
The big ques-
tion is: should coming out even be
an issue? After telling their com-
ing-out stories, Delta Lambda Phi
brothers Godfrey Riddle, Jensen
and Mulholland noted that none
of them had shared their stories
with each other before — an indi-
cation that among an understand-
ing community, the coming-out
practice isn’t one big ordeal — it’s
often continuous and mundane.
To some, the process of coming
out is a form of activism; to oth-
ers, it is a sign of a fundamental
misconception.
“The fact there has to be a
coming-out process for people is
indicative of a homophobic cul-
ture. I suppose in some instances
that it could have repercussions
that look like social activism,”
Genther said. “But I think how
someone displays their sexual-
ity is different for each person. I
think it is fine if someone doesn’t
want to place a label on them-
selves.”
— Edited by Kelsey Nill
KANSAN.COM / THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN / ThurSdAy, NOveMber 18, 2010 / SEX ON THE HILL / 11
IDENTITY
Students ‘come out’ on their own terms
Campus groups,
social support
can make the
process easier
If YOU’RE cOmINg
OUT
do it in your own time 1.
and in your own way
Weigh the risks and 2.
benefts of coming out
— the cost can be high
including being cut of
from parental fnancial
support, fred or ending
personal relationships
Test the water — start 3.
with your inner circle
and work your way out
“It is important for
people to understand
that is is a completely
individualized
process.”
diANe GeNTher
LGbT resource Center
coordinator
Kelsey Richardson/KANSAN
Renee Rivera has been out to close friends and family for about two years. She used this year’s Coming Out Day on Oct. 11 to tell acquaintances and classmates that she’s gay.
fOR fRIENDS AND
fAmILY
Come out as a LGbT 1.
supporter — take a
stance on LGbT issues.
Let sexual minorities 2.
label themselves.
do not tell others about 3.
a person’s sexuality
unless it is relevant and
that person is comfort-
able with you telling
people
Kelsey Richardson/KANSAN
Delta Lambda Phi members Tyler Mulholland, a junior from Lenexa, Alex Jensen, a sophomore from Lincoln, Neb., and Godfrey Riddle, a senior from Olathe.
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D R E S S C O D E S E X Y . . .
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1814 W. 23rd | 843-6
12 / SEX ON THE HILL / THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2010 / THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN / kANSAN.cOM
DATINg
INTERNET
Long-distance relationships require certain skills
Online dating ofers new arena even for college-aged romantics
By HannaH Wise
editor@kansan.com
Skype. Phone calls. Texts. e-mails.
Trust. These are the tools necessary
for a good relationship, but they
are more important for one that
stretches two people across state
lines and sometimes overseas.
Emily Bernard, a freshman from
Aurora, Colo., started dating her
boyfriend, Sean Nicely, a year ago.
They met in their high school the-
ater department.
“We were together all the time,
studying and hanging out,” Bernard
said. While Bernard moved here at
the beginning of the summer, her
boyfriend is still in high school.
However, they have still been able
to go on “Skype dates.” They usu-
ally start their “date” at 5 p.m., eat
dinner, watch a movie and stay up
talking the rest of the night.
“We will both dress up like a
date,” she said.
Bernard and Nicely are mak-
ing their long-distance relationship
work through communication, but
some relationships are not so suc-
cessful. Brandon Hopkins, a sopho-
more from Kansas City, Kan., did
not have such a sweet long-distance
relationship.
“It lasted three weeks as a long-
distance relationship, but we had
been dating for four or five months
before that,” Hopkins said.
In the end, they broke up because
of the distance.
“It was because we were not able
to trust each other and there was no
way to really know what the other
person was doing,” he said.
Jessica Bjorgaard, a junior from
Olathe, said her relationship ended
because her boyfriend moved to
where she was living at the time.
“When we lived long distance
we had gotten used to us being
away but when he moved to be
with me we just saw each other too
much and realized we didn’t like
each other as much as we thought,”
Bjorgaard said.
Some long-distance relation-
ships can work and can last for
years like Seth Dolan’s, a senior
from Atlanta. He and his girlfriend
Caroline Quat, also from Atlanta,
have been together for three-and-
a-half-years.
“We went to high school togeth-
er. It’s kind of dorky, but we were
both members of Model UN,” said
Dolan.
Quat is a junior at George
Washington University in
Washington, D.C., but is abroad in
Prague. Dolan said their relation-
ship has been able to last because
of their commitment to commu-
nication.
“While she was in the states we
would set aside a time at night
where we would talk on the phone,”
he said. “It has been a little tricky
with her overseas, but thanks to
Skype I am able to see her almost
every day. We have also made
sure that we frequently check our
e-mail.”
Long-distance relationships put a
strain on both people involved, but
some students make them work.
“You have to trust the other per-
son completely and communicate
with each other effectively,” Dolan
said. “Caroline is my best friend
and I can’t imagine not having her
in my life. While I don’t get to see
her everyday, I’m sure that she is
the right person for me and talking
to her is always the high point of
my day.”
—Edited by Lisa Curran
By Molly a. Martin
editor@kansan.com
Overall online dating service
usage has increased in recent
years, but is this the case for col-
lege-age students? According to
the Nielsen Company, dating site
popularity has grown from 24.2
million monthly users in January
2006 to 30 million in January 2010.
Twenty-nine percent of users on
Match.com are under the age of 30,
according to Match.com’s media
room statistics.
For Patrick Shields, a sopho-
more from Shawnee, free online
dating services such as OkCupid.
com serve as a way to meet peo-
ple he would not otherwise meet.
Shields signed up for OkCupid at
least two years ago, and said he has
been using the site off and on.
“I used OkCupid to sort of
extend my range,” Shields said.
“I’ve been an earlier adopter of a
lot of different technologies and
for me online dating is just another
way to increase my odds.”
Created by the founders of
both SparkNotes and TheSpark,
OkCupid markets its services
to users by offering the match-
making site
for free. Other
online dating
services such
as Match.com
and Yahoo!
P e r s o n a l s
charge for
their services.
“It is a
nearly impos-
sible market
to crack with-
out marketing,
which costs
money. That’s our best guess. Also
most matching services use poor,
expensive technology, or crappy
languages like Java, requiring
many more resources,” OkCupid.
com said in explanation of the lack
of other free matching services.
For Shields, OkCupid’s match-
making technology and site design
are what drew him. The site uses
personality analysis and question-
naires, which
allows users to
answer indi-
vidual questions
about themselves
and how their
ideal partner
would respond,
to find potential
matches.
“What I like
about OkCupid
is it is free and
they have a really
nice interface. By
answering questions about your-
self and what your ideal partner
would think it actually sort of uses
technology to present you with
people who you would be most
compatible with, which is technol-
ogy unheard of in any other site by
now,” Shields said.
Along with privacy concerns
that stem from online communi-
cations, there are both advantages
and disadvantages to going online
instead of meeting people in a more
traditional manner. For Miranda
Haley, a senior from Topeka,
online dating was something she
previously had been opposed to
and just recently decided to try.
“I have always been against
online dating. I think it is an
unnatural way to meet people, but
I am giving it a shot and hoping
that it will prove me wrong and
that I will meet someone great off
of it. If it doesn’t work out then
I can tell my friends to back off,”
Haley said.
For Shields, the advantage
comes from the ability to monitor
a prospect’s profile and matches.
“When you talk to someone in
person, you don’t know anything
about them until they tell it to
you but when you are looking at
profiles online you can screen out
people who you are not compat-
ible with, without wasting their
time,” Shields said, “There is an
element of someone that can’t be
contained in an online profile. You
can’t know for certain if you are
compatible with someone until
you meet them.”
Although one of Shield’s friends
met her current boyfriend of
three years on OkCupid, Shields
expressed some doubt about his
use of online dating.
“Even though I love the idea of
it, I don’t know if it has reached
the critical mass where I can really
meet people who I really want to
be with,” Shields said.
— Edited by Michael Bednar
TOp 5
FREE ONLINE
DATINg SITES
1. Plentyofsh.com
2. Okcupid.com
3. mingle2.com
4. engage.com
5. yesnomayb.com
— about.com
Photo illustration by Chris Neal/KANSAN
Students whose signifcant others live far away face diferent struggles than those dating someone close to home. Many use Skype, phone calls, text messages and e-mail to keep in touch despite the distance.
“I think it is an unnatural
way to meet people, but
I am giving it a shot and
hoping that it will prove
me wrong ... ”
MiRANDA HAlEY
Senior from Topeka
Romances across
great distances
demand more
KANSAN.COM / THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN / THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2010 / SEX ON THE HILL / 13
M
usic goes well in almost
any situation: exercis-
ing, partying, relaxing.
The list goes on. And then there are
those times when a certain situation
calls for a certain song.
Sometimes musical artists cap-
ture the mood better than awkward
silence or your nervous, incessant
babbling. If you are uncertain how
to go about having sex, just go with
the flow and see what soundtrack
works best.
Also keep in mind your audience.
Know how fast or slow they want
to go and don’t scare them with a
suggestive playlist. Some songs are
better suited for one-night stands
rather than a candle-lit night with
your wife of 15 years.
Everyone knows about Barry
Manilow, Barry White and Blondie.
You aren’t going to impress your
date with staples from the past five
decades. There’s a lot of music out
there and you shouldn’t just settle
with anything.
A special occasion should require
a special song.
For the new generation, here are
some familiar artists that have a
little something for the bedroom.
SLOw AND STEADY
“Insatiable” – Darren Hayes
For the most intimate experience
musically and sexually possible, the
former lead singer of Savage Garden
weaves a silky-smooth and beauti-
fully fragile gem. The airy backdrop
suits a heavenly atmosphere and his
voice furthers your journey to inti-
macy. The song is, well, insatiable.
“Like It or Not” – Madonna
And what list would be complete
without Madonna? There’s a good
chance this is not even a love song.
But when she uses lines like, “I’ll be
the garden, you’ll be the snake. All
of my fruit is yours to take,” it’s hard
not to get that feeling. There is a
seductive darkness here.
Anything from Robin Thicke
Robin’s voice automatically makes
the ladies swoon. He’s a dreamy guy
and his albums are erotic on such a
level that it makes it hard to enjoy it
as it is. They compel you to engage
in promiscuous activity. If you want
it narrowed down, start off with
the delicate “Dreamworld” or “Sex
Therapy.” If you think you have
the lasting power, throw on a full
album.
“Making Love (Into the Night)”
– Usher
Usher got the voice to make your
_____ go _____. You fill in the
blank. There’s no need for Ush to
dilly-dally. It’s as simple as picking
the girl and making love as long as
time allows. Straight-forward and
beautifully performed in the pro-
cess.
“Here in My Room” – Incubus
Get away from the people and
into the closest room. Here’s a
charming little narrative about a
sexual encounter with the sugges-
tive tag, “Your love is a verb here in
my room.” The party is boring and
the people are uninteresting, then
in walks that one who changes the
whole dynamic. They just happen
to be better suited unsuited.
“Wanna B Ur Lovr” – Weird Al
Yankovic
Some people will find a use for
this one. Weird Al pulls out all
the greatest sexual innuendos in a
smooth and funky attempt at a sex
song. If you aren’t in a serious mood
or need an ice-breaker, here you go.
“How’d you get through security
’cuz baby, you’re the bomb. I’d like to
take you home right now so you can
meet my mom.”
FAST AND NAUgHTY
“Kiwi” – Maroon 5
If you have never seen
pornography, this is as close as you
can get, audibly. The lyrics gush
with eroticism, though you might
not be paying attention during the
course of action. Don’t worry. You
won’t have to pay attention to what
he says to feel what the song is
getting at. Warning: Juice may be
involved.
“Up All Night” – Hinder
Here’s the sex, booze and rock ’n’
roll track. Maybe you aren’t lowok-
ing for an intimate relationship.
Maybe you’ll do something daddy
won’t like. Maybe you won’t get to
sleep before the sun rises the next
day. The ultimate post-party hook-
up jam.
“Butterfly” – Jason Mraz
Somehow, Jason makes a raunchy
sexual encounter seem so innocent.
Love-making is supposed to flow
and this song is pure liquid. He’s
even nice enough to make breakfast
the next morning.
“Faster” – Janelle Monae
It’s all about pace with this one.
If at any time one of you are wan-
ing, the recurring “faster and faster”
should fix it. Janelle delivers it in a
light manner, so as not to push you
too hard.
“End Transmission” – AFI
Though it would be fun, a raptur-
ous, late-night car ride like this song
depicts isn’t recommended. It has a
bit of Billy Idol flavor in it to accent
the dark yet benevolent theme. The
first line hits you with “Pull the top
down, use your knees to drive.” The
ride just goes from there.
“Peacock” – Katy Perry
Katy Perry is not talking about
the bird. The innuendos are not
subtle at all and Katy Perry doesn’t
waste any time trying to get what
she wants: “Are you brave enough
to let me see your peacock?” Do you
really want to let her down?
—Editedby Clark Goble
Myths about sex surround many college campuses
EDUcATION
Te right song can set the mood for passionate moments
By Victoria Pitcher
editor@kansan.com
Mountain Dew will lower sperm count. If the
woman is on top, she can’t get pregnant. Shoe size is
directly related to penis size. These are just a few of
the myths that pollute campuses everywhere. They
may seem ridiculous and obviously untrue, but they
are still believed by students. What students may not
be aware of are the general feelings toward this topic
and their fctional parts. Dennis Dailey, professor
emeritus of social welfare and sex therapist, sheds
some light on a few diferent myths about sex. The
following allegations are not as radical; therefore,
students are often more susceptible to believing
they are true.
Dailey recommends that students educate
themselves about sex to keep from falling victim
to these myths.
You hear more about the sexual encoun-
ters of others just in one sitting on Wescoe
Beach than you want to hear in a life time.
It may seem as if everyone around you is having sex,
but that is simply not true. “A good proportion (of
students) are, but it’s a myth that everyone is having
sex,”Daily said. A survey done by the American College
Health Association in 2009 showed that about 34 per-
cent of college students reported no sexual partners
within the last 12 months. Not all of your peers are
having sex. Many refrain due to personal beliefs.
1
EVERYONE IS HAVINg SEX
It’s a generalized assumption that men
are engaging in sexual activity more
often than women. “Men tend to show
more sexual activity than women, but the gap is
narrowing,” Dailey said. According to the same sur-
vey done by the ACHA, 10.5 percent of men report-
ed having four or more sexual partners within the
last 12 months compared to 6.1 percent of women.
These numbers are not that far apart. Another factor
to consider is that women may not be as willing to
disclose their actual activity.
2
MEN ARE HAVINg MORE SEX THAN wOMEN
“You can be dumb as a stump and still
get laid,”Dailey said. For instance, many
students think sex should always produce
a female orgasm. This is simply not true. “A lot of col-
lege students believe that sexual intercourse should
result in orgasm for female partners when in fact only
25 to 30 percent of women will have reliable orgasms,”
Dailey said. Sex and relationships are not as easy as
they seem. “Falling in love and getting married does
not guarantee good relationships or good sex,”Dailey
said.“Knowledge and hard work does.”
3
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cthibodeaux@kansan.com
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14 / SEX ON THE HILL / THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2010 / THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN / kANSAN.cOM
cULTURE
Taking the walk of shame
BY AMANDA GAGE
editor@kansan.com
You wake up in a daze and the
alcohol from last night is still lin-
gering through your body. The sun
breaking through the window is
blinding. You roll over and allow
your eyes to adjust. Then you
remember where you are — and it’s
not your bed. The guy or girl next
to you is definitely passed out and
your situation immediately clicks.
Yep, like a majority of the partying
college population, you’ve shacked.
Suddenly, the fun night you
thought you were having blurs into
the present and you realize that
more than anything, all you want
to do is dart — especially if you
can’t remember the name of your
snoozing bedmate. You proceed to
quietly squirm out of the bed and
scramble for your belongings.
You look everywhere, even across
the room and under the inhabitant’s
dirty clothes to locate everything.
There’s no way you’re going to leave
your stuff. At last, you spot your
wallet under the bed and tip-toe
out. In dorm rooms or fraternity
sleeping dorms, the exit must be
navigated swiftly and carefully to
avoid crossing paths with another
human while your escape plan is in
full motion.
And finally, the official exit is
right there in front of you at the
touch of the hand. Whether you’re
busting out of Corbin or winded
from climbing stairs in McCollum,
the exit is so relieving.
Now, the tricky part is upon you
— time for the infamous “Walk of
Shame.” You either whip out your
phone and proceed to dial half of
your phone bookt hoping one of
your friends answer or you decide
to commit to the trek. Sometimes, if
you’re lucky, your location of shack-
ing is conveniently close to home. If
so, you may have dodged some seri-
ous humiliation, which would have
been grand. But for some reason at
least one person always seems to
notice and spot you in all of your
glory — and you curse the day.
You pretend not to see them and
just keep walking — not stopping
for anything until you reach the
sanctity of your home and warm
bed (which sounds heavenly at this
specific juncture). Whether safely
riding in a generous friend’s car or
walking across campus wondering
who the idiots were who decided to
build the University on the Rockies
of the Midwest, the walk of shame is
a struggle. Some obstacles are hard
to avoid, and if you’re really having
a bad day, you could find yourself in
a tangle of a situation that results in
your worst nightmare.
After a fun night out, Grace
Dooley, a sophomore from
Lawrence, walked out of her shack-
ing location at a fraternity and was
surprised.
“When I walked outside a bunch
of the pledges were out there clean-
ing and they all started clapping,”
Dooley said. “I used my long hair to
cover my face while I was walking
across the basketball court to my
ride so I could hide my identity.”
Many students have been victims
of the uncomfortable and ultimate-
ly embarrassing shacking moments
that are unforgettable. Luckily, peo-
ple are smart these days. Available
for purchase is a Walk of Shame Kit
that is for sale for $34.99 on walkof-
shamekit.com that includes all the
essentials a girl that next morning.
These are necessities for surviving
and beating the ordinary shacking
experience.
This advanced kit includes: a cot-
ton dress, flip flops, a backpack with
drawstrings to fit your belongings
in, pre-pasted toothbrush, hypo-al-
lergenic wipes, a call/don’t call leave
behind note card and a breast can-
cer awareness bracelet. A portion of
the proceeds are donated to a breast
cancer foundation. So, at least you
won’t have to feel completely guilty
for splurging for this hefty kit.
For guys, the walk of shame
isn’t as mortifying as it is for girls.
Because guys are usually wearing a
shirt and jeans or maybe a button-
up, they don’t look as odd walking
down the street in the morning
from shacking. Some guys even
refer to the walk of shame as “the
stride of pride” and probably pro-
ceed to run home to tell their room-
mates every detail, reveling in their
accomplishments from the night
before.
With shacking, careful precau-
tions need to be made so some-
thing bad won’t happen to you.
Kathy Rose-Mockry from the Emily
Taylor Women’s Resource Center
on campus says alcohol blurs peo-
ple’s judgments and they might end
up in a situation that they never
wanted to be in the next day.
“People need to be aware of
the effect of alcohol and decision
making,” Rose-Mockry said. “It
can often result in sexual assault.
They’re going forward and people
aren’t realizing what’s happening
and that’s tragic.”
Whether its repeated again or
left as that embarrassing moment
in college, shacking and the walk of
shame are phenomenons that con-
sistently reoccurs on college cam-
puses across the nation. It needs to
be dealt with carefully so you don’t
end up with a situation that you
don’t want. If you’re lucky enough
to catch the glimpse of a shacker
walking home, don’t be too quick
to judge because at one point that
could have been — or probably —
was you.
—Edited by TimDwyer
Illustration by Kylie Millward/KANSAN
Waking up at someone else’s house after a hook-up can lead to an embarrssing walk home.
How to survive the journey home after a night of shacking
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