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ZAFAF

ZAFAF

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ZAFAF by Elan for group muslim Rasulullah (s.

a) says: - that one should not stay up at night but for 3 reasons:1. Reciting the Quran and in Prayers 2. In seeking Knowledge 3. For Zafaf He (s.a) also said that: You must dress for your wife just as you would like her to dress for you. Imam Mohammed ul Baqir (a.s) says that: - by Dressing up the reference is to cleanliness, meaning that both should be clean. On the night of the zafaf (Wedding night) when the bride and groom enter the room, both should be in the state of wudhu. The groom's supplication on the wedding night When you marry a woman, you should say: O Allaah, I ask You for the goodness within her and the goodness that you have made her inclined towards, and I take refuge with You from the evil within her and the evil that you have made her inclined towards. Supplication before sexual intercourse: In the name of Allaah. O Allaah, keep the devil away from us and keep the devil away form what you have blessed us with. The Prohibition of Sodomy It is forbidden for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her anus. This is understood from the verse quoted above (i.e. since a "planting ground" can only refer to a place where something might grow), and from the narrations cited above. There are also other hadith on the subject, among them: First: On the authority of Umm Salama who said: "When the Muhajireen came to Ansaar at al-Madeenah, some of them married women from the Ansaar. The women of the Muhajireen used to lie on their faces (during intercourse), while the women of the Ansaar never did it that way. Then, one of the men of the Muhajireen wanted his wife to do that. She refused until such time as she could ask the Prophet about it. She went to the Prophet but was embarassed to ask the question, adn so Umm Salama asked him. Then the verse was revealed which says: "Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will;" [al-Baqarah 2:223]. The Prophet said: "No! (not any way you wish) Except in one opening! (ie. the vagina)". [Ahmad, at-Tirmidhee and others : Saheeh] Second: On the authority of Ibn 'Abbaas who said: "'Umar ibn Al-Khattaab came to the Prophet and said: 'O Messenger of Allaah, I am destroyed!' The Prophet asked: 'And what has destroyed you, O 'Umar?' 'Umar said: `I turned my mount around last night.' (An expression which means he has sexual intercourse with his wife penetrating the vagina while mounting her from the rear.) The Prophet gave him no answer and when the revelation came and the verse was revealed which says: "Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will;" [alBaqarah 2:223] and the Prophet said: "From the front and from the back, just beware of her anus and her menses". [an-Nasaa'ee in "`Ishratun-Nisaa" with hasan isnaad, atTirmidhee and others]. Third: On the authority of Khuzaima ibn Thaabit who said: "A man asked the Prophet about entering women in the rear, or the entering by a man of his wife in her rear, and the Prohet answered: `Halaal (ie. permissible).' When the man turned to leave, the Prophet called him or ordered for him to be called back and said : "What did you say? In which of the 2 openings did you mean? If what you meant was from her rear and in her vagina, then yes. But if what you meant was from her rear and in her anus, then no. Verily Allaah is not ashamed of the truth - do not enter your wives in their anuses!" [as-Shaafi, al-Baihaqi and others: Saheeh] Fourth: "Allaah does not look at one who comes to his wife in her anus". [an-Nasaa'ee: Hasan isnaad and supported in "al-'Ishrah"; at-Tirmidhee and Ibn Hibbaan]. Fifth: "Cursed are those

who come to their wives in their anuses." [Aboo Dawood, Ahmad and others with hasan isnaad and is supported]. Sixth: "Whoever has sexual intercourse with a mentruating woman, or a woman in her anus, or approaches a soothsayer and believes what he is told has disbelieved in that which was revealed to Muhammad ". [Aboo Dawood, at-Tirmidhee and others: Saheeh]. Bathing is preferable Bathing, however, is preferable to merely making wudhuu' in such situations. Abu Raafi' narrates: "That the Prophet made the rounds of all his wives one night, bathing in the house of each one. He (i.e. the narrator) asked the Prophet : "Couldn't you have just bathed once (i.e. at the end)? The Prophet answered : "This way is purer, cleaner and better". [Aboo Daawood, an-Nasaa'ee: Hasan in "al-'Ishrah", and others]. Making Wudhuu' between 2 acts with one's wife When a Muslim man has had sexual intercourse with his wife in the legal manner and then wishes to return another time, he should first perform wudhuu', based on the statement of the Prophet : "When one of you comes to his wife and then wishes to return another time, let him perform wudhuu' between the 2 times (In another version, the same wudhuu' which he performs for prayer) for verily, it will invigorate his return."[Muslim, Ibn Abi Shaibah and others]. Making Tayammum in a state of Janaba instead of Wudhuu' It is also permissible to make Tayammum sometimes instead of wudhuu' before sleeping. This is based on a hadith of 'Aa'ishah in which she said: "When the Prophet was in a state of janaba and wished to sleep, he used to make wudhuu' or Tayammum." [Al-Baihaqi: Hasan] Bathing before Sleeping is Perferable Bathing however, is perferable to any of the above-mentioned possibilities as is clear in the hadith of `Abullaah ibn Qais who said: "I asked 'Ai'ishah : "What did the Prophet do when in a state of janaba? Did he bathe before sleeping or sleep before bathing?" She answered: "He did all of those things. Sometimes he bathe and then slept. And sometimes he performed wudhuu' and then slept." I said: "Praise be to Allah who made things flexible.""[Muslim, Ahmad and Abu `Auwaana]. The Prohibition of sex when She is Menstruating It is forbidden for a Muslim man to have sexual intercourse with his wife when she is menstruating. This is clear in the following verse of the Qur'an: "They ask thee concerning women's courses. Say: They are a hurt and a pollution: So keep away from women in their courses, and do not approach them until they are clean. But when they have purified themselves, ye may approach them in any manner, time, or place ordained for you by Allah. For Allah loves those who turn to Him constantly and He loves those who keep themselves pure and clean." [Al-Baqarah, 2:222] There are also hadith about this, among them: First: "Whoever has sexual intercourse with a menstruating woman, or a woman in her anus, or approaches a soothsayer and believes what he is told has disbelieved in that which was revealed to Muhammad ." Second: On the authority of Anas ibn Malik, who said: "When one of their women has their period, the Jews used to put her out of the house, and they would not eat, drink, or sleep with her in the house. The Prophet was asked about this, and Allaah revealed the verse: "They ask thee concerning women's courses. Say: They are a hurt and a pollution: so keep away from women in their courses, ... Then the Prophet said: "Be with them in the house, and do everything except for intercourse itself." The Jews said: "This man wants to leave nothing which we do without doing something different." Then, Asyad ibn Hudair said: "O Messenger of Allah, verily the Jews says such-and-such, shoudl we not then have sexual intercourse during menstruation?" The Prophet's face changed such that they thought that he was enraged with them, so they left. As they were coming out, they saw a gift of milk being brought to the Prophet . The Prophet then sent someone after them to give them a drink of milk, so they felt that he was not actually angry with them." [Muslim, Abu 'Auwaana and Abu Daawood]. Question : islam teaches us

everthing..as to how to eat , dress, etc...is there also a Sunnah way of sleeping with one's wife.is any position Sunnah ..or is there nothing in Saheeh Hadith with regard to this? Answer : Praise be to Allaah. Yes, you are right: Islam teaches us all things and has brought all good teaching to mankind concerning their livelihood, religion, living and dying, because it is the religion of Allaah, may He be glorified and exalted. Sexual relations are among the important matters of life which Islam came to explain and to prescribe proper conduct and rulings which elevate it from the level of mere bestial pleasure and physical desire. Islam connects it to a righteous intention, supplications (adhkaar) and proper conduct which lift it up to the level of worship for which the Muslim will be rewarded. The Sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) explains this. Imaam Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) says in his book Zaad al-Maaad: Concerning sexual relations, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) brought the most perfect guidance, whereby health may be preserved and people may find pleasure and enjoyment, and it may fulfil the purpose for which it was created, because sex was created for three basic purposes: The preservation and propagation of the human race, until they reach the number of souls that Allaah has decreed should be created in this world. Expulsion of the water (semen) which may cause harm to the body if it is retained. Fulfilling physical desires and enjoying physical pleasure. This alone is the feature that will be present in Paradise, because there will be no producing of offspring there, and no retention which needs to be relieved by ejaculation. The best doctors suggest that sex is one of the means of maintaining good health. (al-Tibb al-Nabawi, p. 249). And he (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Among its benefits is that it helps to lower the gaze, brings self-control, enables one to keep away from haraam things, and achieves all of these things for the woman too. It brings benefit to a man with regard to this world and the Hereafter, and benefits the woman too. Hence the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to enjoy regular intimate relations with his wives, and he said, In your world, women and perfume have been made dear to me. (Narrated by Ahmad, 3/128; al-Nasaai, 7/61; classed as saheeh by al-Haakim). And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: O young men, whoever among you can afford it, let him get married, for it helps him to lower his gaze and protect his chastity. And whoever cannot do that, let him fast, for it will be a protection for him. (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 9/92; Muslim, 1400). (al-Tibb alNabawi, 251). Among the important matters which should be paid attention to when engaging in intimate relations: Having the sincere intention of doing this thing only for the sake of Allaah. One should intend to do this to protect oneself and one's wife from doing haraam things, to increase the numbers of the Muslim ummah so as to raise its status, for there is honour and pride in large numbers. It should be known that one will be rewarded for this action, even if he finds immediate pleasure and enjoyment in it. It was reported from Abu Dharr that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: In the sexual intercourse of any one of you there is reward (meaning, when he has intercourse with his wife). They said, O Mesenger of Allaah, when any one of us fulfils his desire, will he have a reward for that? He (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: Do you not see that if he were to do it in a haraam manner, he would be punished for that? So if he does it in a halaal manner, he will be rewarded. (Narrated by Muslim, 720). This is the great bounty of Allaah towards this Ummah; praise be to Allaah Who has made us among them. Intercourse should be preceded by kind words, playfulness and kisses. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to play with his wives and kiss them. When a man has intercourse with his wife, he should say: Bismillaah,

Allaahumma jannibnaa al-shaytaan wa jannib al-shaytaan maa razqtanaa (In the name of Allaah, O Allaah Keep us away from the Shaytaan and keep the Shaytaan away from what You bestow on us (our children)). The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: If Allaah decrees that they should have a child, the Shaytaan will never harm him. (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 9/187) It is permissible for the husband to have intercourse with his wife in her vagina in whatever manner he wishes, from behind or from the front, on the condition that it is in her vagina, which is the place from which a child is born. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth (have sexual relations with your wives in any manner as long as it is in the vagina and not in the anus), when or how you will [al-Baqarah 2:223]. Jaabir ibn Abd-Allaah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Jews used to say that if a man had intercourse with his wife in her vagina from behind, the child would have a squint. Then this aayah was revealed: Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth (have sexual relations with your wives in any manner as long as it is in the vagina and not in the anus), when or how you will [alBaqarah 2:223]. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: From the front or from the back, so long as it is in the vagina. (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 8/154; Muslim, 4/156). It is not permissible for the husband under any circumstances whatsoever to have intercourse with his wife in her back passage. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth (have sexual relations with your wives in any manner as long as it is in the vagina and not in the anus), when or how you will [al-Baqarah 2:223]. It is known that the place of tilth is the vagina, which is the place from which one hopes for a child. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: He is cursed who has intercourse with women in their back passages. (Narrated by Ibn Udayy, 1/211; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Adaab al-Zafaaf, p. 105). This is because it [anal intercourse] goes against the fitrah [natural inclinations of man] and is an action which is revolting to those of a sound human nature; it also causes the woman to miss out on her share of pleasure; and the back passage is a place of filth and dirt and there are other reasons which confirm the fact that this deed is haraam. For more information see Question #1103. If a man has intercourse with his wife and wants to come back to her a second time, he should do wudoo, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: If any one of you has intercourse with his wife then wants to repeat it, let him do wudoo between the two (actions), for it is more energizing for the second time. (Narrated by Muslim, 1/171). This is mustahabb (recommended), not waajib (obligatory); if he is able to do ghusl between the two actions, this is better, because of the hadeeth of Abu Raafi who said that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) went around his wives one day and did ghusl in this ones house and in this ones house. He (Abu Raafi) said: I said to him, O Messenger of Allaah, why do you not do one ghusl? He said, This is cleaner and better and purer. (Narrated by Abu Dawood and al-Nasaai, 1/79) One or both of the spouses have to do ghusl in the following situations: when the two circumcised parts meet, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: When the circumcised part meets the circumcised part (according to another report: when the circumcised part touches the circumcised part), ghusl becomes waajib (obligatory). (Narrated by Ahmad and Muslim, no. 526). This ghusl is obligatory whether ejaculation takes place or not. The touching of the circumcised parts means that the glans or tip of the penis penetrates the vagina; it does not mean mere touching. Emission of semen, even if the two circumcised parts do not touch, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, Water is for water [i.e.,

the water of ghusl is necessary when the water of semen is ejaculated]. (Narrated by Muslim, no. 1/269). Al-Baghawi said in Sharh al-Sunnah (2/9): Ghusl for janaabah [impurity following sexual discharge] is waajib in either of two cases: when the tip of the penis enters the vagina, or when gushing water is emitted by either the man or the woman. For more information on the details of ghusl as prescribed in shareeah, see Question # 415. It is permissible for the husband and wife to do ghusl together in one place, even if he sees her and she sees him, because of the hadeeth of Aaishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) who said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and I used to do ghusl together from one vessel between me and him; we would take turns dipping our hands in the vessel and he would take more than me until I would say, Leave some for me, leave some for me. She said, and they were both junub (in a state of janaabah). Narrated by al-Bukhaari and Muslim. It is permissible for a person who has to make ghusl to sleep and delay the ghusl until before the time of prayer, but it is definitely mustahabb for him to do wudoo before sleeping, because of the hadeeth of Umar, who said that he asked the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), Can any one of us sleep when he is junub? The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: Yes, but let him do wudoo if he wishes. (Narrated by Ibn Hibbaan, 232). It is forbidden to have intercourse with a woman when she is menstruating (having her period), because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): They ask you concerning menstruation. Say: that is an adhaa (a harmful thing for a husband to have a sexual intercourse with his wife while she is having her menses), therefore keep away from women during menses and go not unto them till they have purified (from menses and have taken a bath). And when they have prufieied themselves, then go in unto them as Allaah has ordained for you (go in unto them in any manner as long as it is in their vagina). Truly, Allaah loves those who turn unto Him in repentance and loves those who purify themselves (by taking a bath and cleaning and washing thoroughly their private parts, bodies, for their prayers, etc.). [al-Baqarah 2:222]. The person who has intercourse with his wife whilst she is menstruating has to give a dinar or half a dinar in charity, as it was reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) obliged a man to do when he came and asked him about that. This was reported by the authors of alSunan and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Adaab al-Zafaaf, p. 122. But it is permissible for the husband to enjoy his menstruating wife without having intercourse, because of the hadeeth of Aaishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) who said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) would tell one of us, when she was menstruating, to wear a waist-wrapper, then her husband would lie with her. (Agreed upon). It is permissible for the husband to withdraw (azl) if he does not want to have a child; by the same token it is permissible for him to use condoms if his wife gives her permission, because she has the right to pleasure and to children. The evidence for this is the hadeeth of Jaabir ibn Abd-Allaah (may Allaah be pleased with him) who said, We used to do azl at the time of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) heard about that, and he did not forbid us. (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 9/250; Muslim, 4/160). But it is better not to do any of that, for several reasons, including the fact that it deprives the woman of pleasure or reduces the pleasure for her; and that it cancels out one of the purposes of marriage, which is to increase the number of offspring, as mentioned above. It is forbidden for both spouses to spread the secrets of what happens between them in their private marital life; indeed, this is one of the most evil things. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: Among the most evil of people before Allaah

on the Day of Resurrection will be a man who comes to his wife and has intercourse with her, then he spreads her secrets. (Narrated by Muslim, 4/157). It was reported from Asmaa bint Yazeed that she was with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and men and women were sitting with him, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, Would any man say what he did with his wife? Would any woman tell others what she did with her husband? The people kept quiet and did not answer. I [Asmaa] said: Yes, by Allaah, O Messenger of Allaah, they (women) do that, and they (men) do that. He said, Do not do that. It is like a male devil meeting a female devil in the road and having intercourse with her whilst the people are watching. (Narrated by Abu Dawood, no. 1/339; classed as saheeh by alAlbaani in Adaab al-Zafaaf, p. 143). This is what we were able to mention about the etiquette of sexual relations. Praise be to Allaah Who has guided us to this great religion with its sublime manners. Praise be to Allaah Who has shown us the best of this world and the next. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad. When a Muslim wants to consummate his marriage, a number of things are recommended in the sunnah: He should treat his bride kindly and gently, like offering her something to drink and so on, because of the hadeeth narrated by Asmaa bint Yazeed ibn al-Sakan, who said: I prepared Aaishah as a bride when she married the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). I came to him and invited him to see her (uncover her face). So he came and sat beside her, and a large cup of milk was brought to him. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) drank some, then offered it to her, but she lowered her head and felt shy. I rebuked her and said: Take it from the hand of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). So she took it and drank a little, then the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to her, Give some to your companion (meaning himself). (Reported by Imaam Ahmad and deemed saheeh by al-Albaani) He should place his hand on his brides head and pray for her, saying Bismillaah and asking for barakah (blessing), saying the words reported in the hadeeth narrated by Abdullaah ibn Amr ibn al-Aas, who said that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: When one of you marries a woman or buys a servant, let him say: Allaahumma inni asaluka khayraha wa khayra ma jabaltaha alayhi wa aoodhu bika min sharriha wa min sharri ma jabaltaha alayhi (O Allaah, I ask You for her goodness and the goodness which You have created in her, and I seek refuge with You from her evil and the evil which You have created in her). Abu Dawud said that Abu Saeed added: Then let him take hold of her forelock and pray for blessing from this woman or servant. (Reported by Abu Dawud in al-Sunan, Kitaab al-Nikaah, Baab fi jaami al-nikaah; classed as hasan in Saheeh al-Jaami, no. 341) He should pray two rakahs with her, leading her in prayer, because this is reported as being the practice of the salaf (early generations). There are two reports concerning this. (i) from Abu Saeed, the freed slave of Abu Usayd, which states that a group of the Companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) taught him and told him: When your wife comes in to you, pray two rakahs and ask Allaah for the goodness of what has come to you, and seek refuge with Him from its evil. (ii) from Shaqeeq, who said: A man called Abu Hareez came and said (to Abdullaah ibn Masood, may Allaah be pleased with him): I have married a young virgin girl, but I am afraid that she may hate me. Abdullaah said: Love comes from Allaah and hatred comes from Shaytaan, who wants to make you hate what Allaah has made permissible. When she comes to you, tell her to pray two rakahs behind you. (These two reports were narrated by Ibn Abi Shaybah; see Aadaab al-Zafaaf by al-Albaani). When he wants to consummate the marriage, he should say the words reported in the hadeeth reported by Ibn Abbaas (may Allaah be

pleased with him and his father) from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) who said: When one of you wants to approach (have intercourse with) his wife, if he says: Bismillahi Allaahumma jannibna al-Shaytaan wa jannib al-Shaytaan ma razaqtana (In the name of Allaah, O Allaah, protect us from Shaytaan and protect whatever You give to us from Shaytaan) then if they are given a child, Shaytaan will not harm it. (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath, no. 3271) (For more information, see Aadaab al-Zafaaf by al-Albaani, p. 91) There is no limit to the number of guests one can invite to a wedding feast (waleema), so invite whoever you wish of your relatives, the brides relatives, your friends and anyone you have a good reason to invite. It is not permitted in Islam to do anything that is haraam such as having music, letting men and women mix, or letting women dance in front of men, or other things that earn the wrath of Allaah. How can the blessing of Allaah be exchanged for disobedience and immorality? At weddings, women can do whatever is allowed in Islam, such as singing acceptable songs with good words or entertaining themselves by playing the daff (a certain kind of drum, resembling a tambourine without the rattles) only, so long as no men are present. Providing the wedding feast (waleema) is the husbands responsibility. The sunnah is to slaughter one sheep or more for the guests, if he is able to, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to Abd alRahmaan ibn Awf, Give a wedding feast, even if it is only one sheep. (Reported by alBukhaari, al-Fath, no. 2048). We ask Allaah to bless you and your bride and to grant you a happy marriage. Sexual Problems `The more a woman feels desire, the more she will be desired.' (Ibn Qutayba, Uyun al-Akhbar) `May Allah grant glory and eternal salvation to those who know how to stroke a soft cheek in an accomplished manner, to give a just accolade to a slender waist, and to enter the sweetest farj with a befitting skill!' (Imam al Suyuti, Kitab al-Idah fi ilm al-nikah) There is a widespread belief that the sexual problems of society at large do not exist in the Muslim community - or are at least uncommon. Sadly, the dislocation many Muslim families have experienced over the past generation or so means that this rosy assessment is often misplaced. One such problem is that of husbands who are baffled that sex, which seems very enjoyable to them, does not seem in the least enjoyable to their wives. They begin to wonder what is wrong with them. Has it been their misfortune to marry a frigid woman? Or is it that she simply doesn't care for him at all? It all seems so enigmatic - but then women are a mystery, aren't they? Poor men! The answer often lies in their own ignorance of women's sexuality - and the answers to their mystified questions are really so easy! Those sensual decadent American women on the films do not enjoy sex any more or less than the most chaste of Islamic village maidens - God made their equipment more or less the same. It is what the man learns to do with it that counts. Husbands - it is basically up to you. A Muslim man who has the intention to create a happy marriage should start, as with all things, in prayer, submission to God, and deep thought - not to work out his own will, but to discover the will of his Lord. In fact, the Blessed Prophet recommended that one should always begin sexual intimacy in an atmosphere of prayer. He (s) said: `If, when you approach your spouse, you say: "In the name of God! O Lord God, protect me from the devil, and protect from the devil that which You grant to us", then, if a child is conceived, the devil shall not harm it.' (Bukhari and Muslim) (The meaning of `not harming it' in this hadith is that the devil shall not overcome it ... no scholar has held that it is to be taken at face value to mean that such a child will never experience any harm, whisperings or temptations from the devil. (Qadi Iyad, Sharh Sahih Muslim.)) Imam Ghazali further suggests that the lovers should begin with Bismillah and Surat alIkhlas as a way of increasing the blessing of the sex act. And when approaching

orgasm, they should quietly say: `Al-hamdu li'Llah alladhi khalaqa min al-ma'i basharan.' (`Praised be Allah Who has created human beings out of water.') Doctors get asked so often how often one should `perform' per week. This can't be answered. Some people would enjoy intimacy three times a day or more, while others are quite content with once a fortnight, or even less! It all depends how long your sexual activity takes, how much pleasure and satisfaction it gives, and so forth. (It is interesting to note that the caliph Umar reckoned that a woman had the right to sex at least once every four days, while Imam Abu Talib al-Makki added that `if he knows that she needs more, he is obliged to comply.' (Zabidi, Ithaf, V 373.)) However, it has to be said candidly that one reason why men so often feel threatened and dismayed by female sexual hunger and capacity is not that their women are oversexed at all. Whenever women are accused of this, you should suspect male selfishness and/or ignorance! All too often when these men do mate they only gratify themselves and, having seen to their own needs, do not even attempt to bring the woman to climax. Therefore the woman remains `hungry' and unfulfilled, and looks for further opportunity when the man is sated - and thus she gets accused of being oversexed. This is a pitiful but all too common injustice. In any case, the level of an individual's sexual appetite, rather like brainpower, is not the choice of the individual but is largely a matter granted by Allah at His direction. As is well known, the early Muslims regarded sexual prowess and the ability to satisfy a woman as being an essential part of manhood. The niece of A'isha, a scholarly and beautiful woman called A'isha bint Talha, once married the pious Umar ibn Ubaydillah. On their wedding night he made love to her no fewer than seven times, so that when morning came, she told him: `You are a perfect Muslim in every way, even in this!' Such stories are common in our literature. But the only true answer to the question of `how often' for a dedicated Muslim is whatever is right for you as a couple. It is not `whatever is right just for you'! You must consider your wife's needs and feelings, just as you would wish her to consider yours. In the West, this sort of thing is often investigated before commitment to marriage, the idea being that finding a `good' sexual partner before marriage will reduce the possibility of disappointment later. But figures released in 1993 showed that people who had cohabited before marriage were 60% more likely to get divorced than those who had not. In fact, the divorce rate in secular countries proves that the idea of `testing the waters' does not work at all. In any case, Muslims cannot approve of this because our Lord has not sanctioned physical intimacy before marriage. Muslim partners endeavour to get their needs understood and sorted out as soon as they are able to do so, after marriage. But talking is sometimes so difficult. Shy women will very rarely say what they really feel on the subject, either because of natural modesty, or because they fear that their husbands will interpret their words as criticism. They do not want to upset or to hurt their spouses, or make them feel small, or a failure. The price the woman sometimes has to pay for her loving concern for her husband's feelings is a lifetime of `the cat seeing the meal, but having it snatched away each time she starts to eat.' No man who is aware of this, and carries on ignoring it, can be considered a complete and good Muslim. In fact, it is a form of extreme and damaging cruelty. Every man should appreciate that despite some common myths, it rarely takes less than 15 to 30 minutes of specific sexual activity to arouse a woman to a level where her physical satisfaction is in sight. Do not despair - this does not mean that a man has to `perform' for that length of time: although some women might think it would be very nice if he could, others would be horrified at the thought. There are other things that a man has to do. According to Imam al-Ghazali: `When he has come to his orgasm (inzal), he should

wait for his wife until she comes to her orgasm likewise; for her climax may well come slowly. If he arouses her desire, and then sits back from her, this will hurt her, and any disparity in their orgasms will certainly produce a sense of estrangement. A simultaneous orgasm will be the most delightful for her, especially since her husband will be distracted by his own orgasm from her, and she will not therefore be afflicted by shyness.' (Ihya, II, 46.) Selfish modern lovers would do well to consider the words of this great Imam, written nine hundred years ago! But suppose a man cannot help rushing to his climax so quickly that his wife gets no pleasure from his intimacy at all? He should not just think about his problem, but take some decisive action. One rather obvious solution (which nevertheless does not always occur to many men) might be to come to climax quickly, as usual, then after arousing his wife for twenty minutes or so while he rests, try again! This would need the wife's consent, for the first quick climax might be painful for her. He should not worry that he may not be able to achieve full satisfaction for himself the second time. He may surprise himself and have no bother at all, or it may be that the unfamiliarity of the sequence prevents him from achieving full satisfaction at all this time - and he may feel ashamed of himself or think that he has failed. This is, incidentally, very often the reason why a man who is not hampered by actual tiredness or lack of opportunity nevertheless does not attempt anything further than his own instant pleasure. He fears that he may fail; and does not realise that his wife will not think of his attempt in the same terms! Never mind if he `fails' or `feels frustrated' this time around -remember his poor wife probably ended up frustrated every time he approached her, if he always ejaculated just when she was warming up! Just think about why he is attempting it - it is not in order to satisfy himself, but just to offer a little more satisfaction to her. Another suggestion that often helps is that the couple overcome their shyness enough for the wife to practise the technique of gently squeezing his penis just below its head, thereby stopping a climax and prolonging the act of intercourse. The same effect will be achieved if the angle of the penis is altered by gently pushing it down towards his legs, almost to the point where it becomes uncomfortable. The husband's excitement can also be reduced by mental effort: he could try thinking about something completely unconnected with sex. Skilled husbands develop the ability to delay their orgasm simply by willpower, by telling themselves firmly that it is too early. In fact, according to Imam al-Zabidi: `Some strong men control themselves so perfectly that they have their orgasms only when they wish. What can one say about them, other than "Allah gives what He will to whom He will!"' (Zabidi, lthaf, V 373.) Needless to say, this rare achievement requires plenty of practice. A life with plenty of spiritual effort and prayer will help to provide the essential discipline here. There is a physiological solution which can be used in conjunction with these techniques. This can be found in traditional Islamic medicine, which prescribes a range of natural remedies to increase female sexual enjoyment and thus speed up the onset of orgasm. (See Chishti's Traditional Healer, 285-93.) The most usual popular alternative is for the husband to bring his wife to climax by caressing. This needs sensitivity and judgment, for often the wife really is not in the mood, or is in pain, or is too tired for sex, in which case her husband's normal quick sexual act will be sufficient. Some inexperienced husbands do not realise that many women cannot reach climax at all unless the man caresses them. The man has to be able to touch his wife intimately with his hand. For some women, this is the only way they can reach fulfillment. The husband (who usually is very well aware that the woman does have a clitoris, even if he is not quite sure what to do with it!) has to realise that just to press down on it with some part of his anatomy, like his foot curled around her, or pressure from his knee, is

not enough. Most men usually understand quickly the techniques of stimulating the female breasts, and especially the nipples, with kisses or with their fingers, an act which is an effective but supplementary means of helping the wife towards inzal. Imagine trying to caress her breast with a foot or knee! Exactly the same applies to the clitoris. It is a much more sensitive area, should be treated with great care, and if it is caressed properly (a matter worked out by practice and communication with the wife) it will usually bring the woman to readiness, or to climax, very quickly. Men need to remember, of course, that if they are caressing their wives in the wrong way or in the wrong place, it will hurt rather than cause them pleasure. So care, sensitivity, communication and practice are vital here. While some people may at first dislike using their fingers, it should be emphasized that there is no Islamic objection to it. Imam Abu Hanifa was once asked about a husband's touching the private parts of his wife, and vice versa, and he replied: `There is nothing wrong with that, and I hope that their reward will be great.' (Zabidi, lthaf, V 331.) Once this is mastered, it is also worth knowing that most women also have a third very sensitive area (the `G-spot') inside the vagina - not deep inside, but a few centimeters in on the upper wall. This is one reason why the size of a man's penis is not particularly important for a woman very few experience much sensation in the depths of their vaginas, near the womb. The G-spot always gives great pleasure if caressed with the fingers, or if the penis is angled in the right direction. When the wife shuffles about during sex, this may be because she is trying to get you into the right position for this. To find the G-spot, insert the forefinger into the vagina and rest the fingertip on the front wall, about two thirds of the way along the vagina towards the cervix. You should feel a small configuration of muscles that are able to resist firm but gentle pressure. Finding the G-spot can greatly enhance the woman's sexual pleasure and enable her to experience much quicker and more intense orgasms. This could be one reason why the Prophet (s) defended a man's right to `come to his tilth' from behind, for that position often gives the woman far more pleasure than face-to-face. But there are many other positions which have been recommended by the ulema. These include the `scissors', where the husband and wife are at an angle to each other. Some people enjoy the `woman on top' position, where she either faces the husband's face and shoulders, or faces away from him. Any position that enables the husband to touch his wife's pleasure zone with his fingers at the same time as he is within her will bring her far more satisfaction - and face-to-face with the woman beneath is the one position where such caressing becomes very difficult. It should be obvious that people's shapes should be taken into account in finding the best position. If a man is thin, he probably cannot even imagine the problems faced by his stouter fellow. The man has to fit himself comfortably into the shape of his wife's hips in order to connect well. If he is a large boned man, or inclined to be fat, the straightforward face-to-face position is not going to be at all satisfactory for either of them, and could actually be painful for the woman. They should try some of the other ways of coming together. Bear in mind, too, that if the wife is shy about her breasts, she is going to be very shy indeed about her even more private areas, and for a man to overcome his feelings and then gently deal with her shyness is all part of being an intelligent and successful Muslim husband. As we pointed out earlier, it is obvious that the husband should not leap into action with full force and expect her instant capitulation if not ecstasy, as is so frequently depicted in films. X-rated movies, although they show complete nudity and the sex act in shocking detail, do not actually show real or realistic sex. That would be boring - remember it takes the average woman more than fifteen minutes to get anywhere. Remember that the actresses are not 'real life'; they are not portraying the

realities of married life - they are `prostitutes of the eye', whose business is fantasy and not reality. Women are extremely sensitive and tender, and the husband will only hurt her and be pushed off, or at best be `tolerated' and not `enjoyed', if he is rough and abusive. Gently does it! Start in first gear, not fourth. If a husband goes slowly and with reverence for the Muslim woman he loves, and then increases his fervour, he will soon be gratified to see her happy response - and what a difference this will make to the marriage! Some men go through their entire married lives being gross and clumsy, and never discover that making love is quite a talent. As a result, they have never enjoyed the experience of making love to a fully aroused woman. When a woman is fully aroused, she cannot control the exciting movements, known as qabd, made in her vagina. Some men never find this out - a terrible and needless tragedy. We saw above that many women need specific caressing by hand to their erogenous zones to continue right through the entire act of lovemaking if they are to achieve inzal. This may involve some minor sacrifice and discomfort for the husband, if he cannot work himself around to some satisfactory position, and especially if he is being overwhelmed by his own climax. Don't worry! No woman actually expects her man constantly to be on the lookout for her own gratification all the time, for that would be just as selfish as the man never thinking about it. This is something that will be worked out gradually between the couple. A Muslim husband will make it his business to find out what she likes, and if possible, to carry on doing it rights through his own climax. The most beautiful and exciting sexual relationship comes when a couple have practised and know each other so well that they can reach climax at the same time, even though this takes considerable skill. If for some reason this cannot be managed, then the man should carry on doing what she likes afterwards, even after his inzal is complete, until she has caught up. More gratifying for him in many ways is the technique of bringing her to climax first, before he himself lets go. We have already seen the importance which Imam al-Ghazali attached to the simultaneous orgasm, and that `he should not satisfy his need from her before she has fulfilled her need from him'. But whatever happens, once the husband has reached his climax he should not just leap away and charge off to the bathroom leaving her in abject despair, hypertension and shock! To reach climax together is something that takes considerable practice and expertise, and some couples never achieve it properly in a lifetime together. However, Imam al-Ghazali was raising a very important point when he mentioned the wife's shyness if the husband was satisfying her after achieving his own inzal: it is only natural for the man immediately to lose all interest in sex and want to go off to sleep, so the poor wife feels that in order to claim her Islamic right she has to irritate him, and make him impatient with her. Once disturbing thoughts like these enter her head, it only delays the orgasm even more, and perhaps prevents it altogether, thereby producing real psychological harm. Hence the very sad but common situation of wives who are too kind or tactful towards their husbands' feelings actually faking their orgasms, and then becoming so frustrated that they indulge in lonely masturbation behind his back. However hard she may try, disappointment and resentment will be hard to avoid - and these are two of the most powerful marriage killers in the devil's arsenal. Most married women know only too well how difficult and embarrassing it can be to try to request physical satisfaction from a tired husband who has just satisfied himself, and who then instantly turns over and drops off to sleep, perhaps blithely and ignorantly assuming that what he has just done has satisfied her. (`We've had sex, haven't we? Aren't you ever satisfied?') Many wives find themselves totally unable to get their men to understand the true state of affairs. Many men do not seem to realise that very few wives can achieve any

physical satisfaction from the simple animal act of placing the penis in the vagina alone. Allah simply did not make them that way. It may be enough for a man, but it is almost never enough for a woman. It should be obvious that if Allah had simply intended that that should sum up the sex act, He would not have created the rest of the female equipment. On its own, the vagina almost never brings satisfaction, unless the man can hold out for a very long time indeed - which is a rare accomplishment. This means that if a man is not strong enough to conquer his shyness about touching his wife, his modesty, far from being a virtue, actually becomes a direct cause of marital cruelty. Another way of increasing the wife's frustration is for the couple to lose contact, or for the man to `come out' and be spent outside his wife's body, or for the man to seek his satisfaction without placing his penis in the wife's vagina at all. This might be one way of managing contraception, but it is extremely frustrating for the woman, and is another destroyer of marital enjoyment and harmony. The Blessed Prophet said it should only be done with the wife's permission. If a man does deliberately ejaculate outside a woman's vagina (some men enjoy this), he should realise that this is not full intercourse, and may not grant the wife any satisfaction at all -even though she has accepted it and is eager to please him! The purpose of Nikah is lost if the spouses fail to satisfy in each other the natural hungers that Allah has created. The legal aspect of `coitus interruptus' (withdrawal before ejaculation) in the revealed law is fairly complex. The Hanbali school reckons that a man does not need his wife's permission, on the assumption that she does not have the automatic right to his ejaculation; nevertheless, Ibn Qudama al-Maqdisi, the most 'hardline' of this school, still maintains that obtaining her permission is preferable for the sake of amity. The Hanafis reckon that the woman has to give permission, except when times are very hard so that any children conceived are likely to be in for a miserable existence, in which case the husband is allowed to use contraception without her permission. The Maliki school actually allows the wife to demand and receive monetary compensation as the price of her permission! The Shafi'is hold that the woman's consent may be sought as a precondition for the marriage contract, after which she cannot complain. Finally, good adab is also necessary after lovemaking. This is something that is particularly important for the husband to remember, if he wishes to have a happy wife. Remember that his basic need is for respect, while hers is for love. Just as a man would hate to be laughed at for sexual inadequacy, so a woman hates to be `used' and then set aside without a word of love. The correct Islamic manners for a husband are to lie with his arms round his wife for some moments, after checking her happiness, telling her that he loves her, and in his heart thanking Allah for his happiness and good fortune. Conclusion Once sex has become a chore and a duty, the marriage is well on its way to being dead. If the man's efforts actually cause the woman pain or distaste, she will soon avoid any intimacy at all, and will use any excuse to get out of it. Headaches, weak heart, rheumatism - you name it, she'll have it. In fact, a real sexual relationship is so good for you it would help to heal all these conditions, since it is good healthy activity that raises the heart rate and stimulates the lungs, and takes the mind off disturbing problems and brings spiritual wholeness, serenity and contentment. The considerate Muslim man soon learns how to make his wife happy, and in doing so, refuses to get anxious and overwrought about his own performance. A good Muslim wife will never despise a husband for his physical equipment or lack of expertise, so long as he is loving and considerate towards her. And if they married as virgins, there will be no unfavourable comparisons for either of them to make.! If a good Muslim marriage is to be sadaqa for the spouses and pleasing in the eyes of God, it is no use one partner seething with

frustration and then finally cracking up. Both of them should try to find gentle ways of supplying `feedback' to the other - not to be interpreted as criticism, dissatisfaction or hostility (which is what it becomes if left to ferment for too long), but as the only way to learn and grow together, as sanctioned and willed for us by Allah. May Allah forgive this author for raising topics that are sensitive and private, and discussing them in a way that some might think incorrect and distasteful. But we know that many Muslims nowadays are asking about these matters, and it is the Sunna to make useful knowledge known, whatever it might be. Allah ta'ala decreed that creation should be set up in pairs complementing each other in harmony, and wished only happiness and peace for us. Therefore, we should all make it our jihad to create happy and fulfilled marriages, in the sight of Him in Whose `hand' lie our souls. May everything we do be pleasing to Him, and may He bless us and bring us to fulfillment, serenity and completion. Ameen. [HUKUM DAN ETIKA MALAM PERTAMA] ------------------------------- <Pertama> Dianjurkan kepada sang suami bersikap lemah lembut pada malam pertama dengan mengajak bicara sehingga terjadi keakraban atau menyuguhkan segelas minuman sebagaimana yang dilakukan Rasulullah Shallallahu'alaihi wa sallam. <Kedua> Dianjurkan untuk meletakkan tangan kanan di atas ubun ubun sang istri kemudian membaca doa yang diajarkan Rasulullah Shallallahu'alaihi wa sallam. "Bismillah Allahumma bariklii fii zaujatii .." <Ketiga> Dianjurkan kepada sang suami shalat dua raka'at bersama istrinya dan sang istri berada di belakangnya. Sebab demikian itu lebih melanggengkan kasih sayang. <Keempat> Jika ingin melakukan hubungan sebadan hendaknya berdoa: "Bismillah, allahumma jannibnasy syaithaan wa jannibisy syaithaan maa razaqtanaa" <Kelima> Tidak boleh sang suami menggauli istri kecuali di tempat jalan lahirnya bayi dan boleh melakukan cumbu rayu sesuka hati namun tidak boleh menggaulinya ketika masa haid atau nifas. <Keenam> Apabila sang suami memiliki lebih dari satu istri maka pada pagi hari dari malam pertama hendaknya sang suami mendatangi istri istri lain dengan tujuan saling mendoakan. <Ketujuh> Diharamkan bagi kedua mempelai menyebarkan rahasia hubungan seksual karena hal itu termasuk dosa besar. [HAK HAK SUAMI DAN ISTRI] Diantara hak hak yang harus ditegakkan bersama sama sebagai berikut: <Pertama> Kerja sama dalam rangka menegakkan ketaatan kepada Allah, satu dengan yang lain saling mengingatkan kepada nilai ketakwaan. Diantara contoh yang paling indah adalah kerjasama antara suami dengan istri dalam menghidupkan qiyamul lail sebagaimana sabda Nabi Shallallahu'alaihi wa sallam (yang artinya) : "Semoga Allah merahmati seorang laki laki yang bangun malam kemudian shalat dan membangunkan istrinya untuk shalat dan bila tidak mau bangun maka ia memerciki dengan air di wajahnya. Dan semoga Allah merahmati seorang perempuan yang bangun malam lalu shalat dan membangunkan suaminya untuk shalat, bila tidak mau bangun maka ia memerciki dengan air di wajahnya." (HR. Ahmad, Ahlul Sunan kecuali At Tirmidzi dan hadits ini shahih). <Kedua> Menjalani kehidupan rumah tangga dengan tulus, ikhlas, setia dan penuh kasih sayang. <Ketiga> Hendaknya masing masing suami istri merasa memiliki tanggung jawab penuh terhadap tugas dan kewajiban yang ada di pundaknya. Masing masing harus tahu bahwa dia dituntut untuk menunaikan kewajiban secara baik dan sempurna sebagaimana sabda Nabi (yang artinya) "Setiap kalian adalah pemimpiin dan akan diminta pertanggungjawaban atas kepemimpinannya dan imam adalah pemimpin, dan orang laki laki adalah pemimpin bagi keluarganya, dan wanita adalah penanggungjawab atas rumah suami dan anaknya. Dan setiap kalian adalah pemimpin dan setiap kalian akan diminta pertanggungjawaban atas kepemimpinannya." (HR. Al Bukhari) <Keempat> Antara suami dan istri harus kerjasama secara baik dalam

rangka mewujudkan suasana tenang dan gembira serta berusaha semaksimal mungkin menjauhkan perkara perkara yang mendatangkan keburukan dan kesedihan. Betapa indahnya ucapan Abu Darda' ketika berkata kepada istrinya : "Jika kamu sedang melihatku dalam keadaan marah maka carilah sesuatu yang bisa menyenangkanku dan jika aku melihatmu sedang marah maka aku akan mencari sesuatu yang bisa menyenangkanmu, dan bila tidak seperti itu maka kita tidak usah berkumpul saja". <Kelima> Tidak menyebarkan rahasia masing masing dan tidak menyebut nyebut keburukan pasangannya di depan orang lain karena demikian itu melecehkan harga diri pasangannya di depan orang lain. Ketika itu ia telah melakukan ghibah yang dibenci lagi berdosa. <Keenam> Hendaknya masing masing memperhatikan gaya dan penampilan, istri berdandan yang bagus untuk suami dan suami juga berdandan yang bagus untuk sang istri. Ibnu Abbas berkata : "Saya sangat senang berdandan untuk istriku sebagaimana saya senang bila ia berdandan untukku, karena Allah berfirman :'Dan bagi istri istri hak yang sepadan dengan kewajiban kewajibannya dengan baik'."

zafaf
ZAFAF Rasulullah (s.a) says: - that one should not stay up at night but for 3 reasons:- 1. Reciting the Quran and in Prayers 2. In seeking Knowledge 3. For Zafaf He (s.a) also said that: - You must dress for your wife just as you would like her to dress for you. Imam Mohammed ul Baqir (a.s) says that: - by Dressing up the reference is to cleanliness, meaning that both should be clean. On the night of the zafaf (Wedding night) when the bride and groom enter the room, both should be in the state of wudhu. The groom's supplication on the wedding night When you marry a woman, you should say: O Allaah, I ask You for the goodness within her and the goodness that you have made her inclined towards, and I take refuge with You from the evil within her and the evil that you have made her inclined towards. Supplication before sexual intercourse: In the name of Allaah. O Allaah, keep the devil away from us and keep the devil away form what you have blessed us with. The Prohibition of Sodomy It is forbidden for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her anus. This is understood from the verse quoted above (i.e. since a "planting ground" can only refer to a place where something might grow), and from the narrations cited above. There are also other hadith on the subject, among them: First: On the authority of Umm Salama who said: "When the Muhajireen came to Ansaar at al-Madeenah, some of them married women from the Ansaar. The women of the Muhajireen used to lie on their faces (during intercourse), while the women of the Ansaar never did it that way. Then, one of the men of the Muhajireen wanted his wife to do that. She refused until such time as she could ask the Prophet about it. She went to the Prophet but was embarassed to ask the question, adn so Umm Salama asked him. Then the verse was revealed which says: "Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will;" [alBaqarah 2:223]. The Prophet said: "No! (not any way you wish) Except in one opening! (ie. the vagina)". [Ahmad, at-Tirmidhee and others : Saheeh] Second: On the authority of Ibn 'Abbaas who said: "'Umar ibn Al-Khattaab came to the Prophet and said: 'O Messenger of Allaah, I am destroyed!' The Prophet asked: 'And what has destroyed you, O 'Umar?' 'Umar said: `I turned my mount around last night.' (An

expression which means he has sexual intercourse with his wife penetrating the vagina while mounting her from the rear.) The Prophet gave him no answer and when the revelation came and the verse was revealed which says: "Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will;" [al-Baqarah 2:223] and the Prophet said: "From the front and from the back, just beware of her anus and her menses". [an-Nasaa'ee in "`Ishratun-Nisaa" with hasan isnaad, at-Tirmidhee and others]. Third: On the authority of Khuzaima ibn Thaabit who said: "A man asked the Prophet about entering women in the rear, or the entering by a man of his wife in her rear, and the Prohet answered: `Halaal (ie. permissible).' When the man turned to leave, the Prophet called him or ordered for him to be called back and said : "What did you say? In which of the 2 openings did you mean? If what you meant was from her rear and in her vagina, then yes. But if what you meant was from her rear and in her anus, then no. Verily Allaah is not ashamed of the truth - do not enter your wives in their anuses!" [as-Shaafi, al-Baihaqi and others: Saheeh] Fourth: "Allaah does not look at one who comes to his wife in her anus". [an-Nasaa'ee: Hasan isnaad and supported in "al-'Ishrah"; at-Tirmidhee and Ibn Hibbaan]. Fifth: "Cursed are those who come to their wives in their anuses." [Aboo Dawood, Ahmad and others with hasan isnaad and is supported]. Sixth: "Whoever has sexual intercourse with a mentruating woman, or a woman in her anus, or approaches a soothsayer and believes what he is told has disbelieved in that which was revealed to Muhammad ". [Aboo Dawood, at-Tirmidhee and others: Saheeh]. Bathing is preferable Bathing, however, is preferable to merely making wudhuu' in such situations. Abu Raafi' narrates: "That the Prophet made the rounds of all his wives one night, bathing in the house of each one. He (i.e. the narrator) asked the Prophet : "Couldn't you have just bathed once (i.e. at the end)? The Prophet answered : "This way is purer, cleaner and better". [Aboo Daawood, an-Nasaa'ee: Hasan in "al-'Ishrah", and others]. Making Wudhuu' between 2 acts with one's wife When a Muslim man has had sexual intercourse with his wife in the legal manner and then wishes to return another time, he should first perform wudhuu', based on the statement of the Prophet : "When one of you comes to his wife and then wishes to return another time, let him perform wudhuu' between the 2 times (In another version, the same wudhuu' which he performs for prayer) for verily, it will invigorate his return."[Muslim, Ibn Abi Shaibah and others]. Making Tayammum in a state of Janaba instead of Wudhuu' It is also permissible to make Tayammum sometimes instead of wudhuu' before sleeping. This is based on a hadith of 'Aa'ishah in which she said: "When the Prophet was in a state of janaba and wished to sleep, he used to make wudhuu' or Tayammum." [Al-Baihaqi: Hasan] Bathing before Sleeping is Perferable Bathing however, is perferable to any of the above-mentioned possibilities as is clear in the hadith of `Abullaah ibn Qais who said: "I asked 'Ai'ishah : "What did the Prophet do when in a state of janaba? Did he bathe before sleeping or sleep before bathing?" She answered: "He did all of those things. Sometimes he bathe and then slept. And sometimes he performed wudhuu' and then slept." I said: "Praise be to Allah who made things flexible.""[Muslim, Ahmad and Abu `Auwaana]. The Prohibition of sex when She is Menstruating It is forbidden for a Muslim man to have sexual intercourse with his wife when she is menstruating. This is clear in the following verse of the Qur'an: "They ask thee concerning women's courses. Say: They are a hurt and a pollution: So keep away from women in their courses, and do not approach them until they are clean. But when they have purified themselves, ye may approach them in any manner, time, or place ordained for you by Allah. For Allah loves those who turn to Him constantly and He loves those who keep themselves pure and clean." [Al-Baqarah, 2:222] There are also hadith about this, among them: First:

"Whoever has sexual intercourse with a menstruating woman, or a woman in her anus, or approaches a soothsayer and believes what he is told has disbelieved in that which was revealed to Muhammad ." Second: On the authority of Anas ibn Malik, who said: "When one of their women has their period, the Jews used to put her out of the house, and they would not eat, drink, or sleep with her in the house. The Prophet was asked about this, and Allaah revealed the verse: "They ask thee concerning women's courses. Say: They are a hurt and a pollution: so keep away from women in their courses, ... Then the Prophet said: "Be with them in the house, and do everything except for intercourse itself." The Jews said: "This man wants to leave nothing which we do without doing something different." Then, Asyad ibn Hudair said: "O Messenger of Allah, verily the Jews says such-and-such, shoudl we not then have sexual intercourse during menstruation?" The Prophet's face changed such that they thought that he was enraged with them, so they left. As they were coming out, they saw a gift of milk being brought to the Prophet . The Prophet then sent someone after them to give them a drink of milk, so they felt that he was not actually angry with them." [Muslim, Abu 'Auwaana and Abu Daawood]. Question : islam teaches us everthing..as to how to eat , dress, etc...is there also a Sunnah way of sleeping with one's wife.is any position Sunnah ..or is there nothing in Saheeh Hadith with regard to this? Answer : Praise be to Allaah. Yes, you are right: Islam teaches us all things and has brought all good teaching to mankind concerning their livelihood, religion, living and dying, because it is the religion of Allaah, may He be glorified and exalted. Sexual relations are among the important matters of life which Islam came to explain and to prescribe proper conduct and rulings which elevate it from the level of mere bestial pleasure and physical desire. Islam connects it to a righteous intention, supplications (adhkaar) and proper conduct which lift it up to the level of worship for which the Muslim will be rewarded. The Sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) explains this. Imaam Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) says in his book Zaad al-Maaad: Concerning sexual relations, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) brought the most perfect guidance, whereby health may be preserved and people may find pleasure and enjoyment, and it may fulfil the purpose for which it was created, because sex was created for three basic purposes: The preservation and propagation of the human race, until they reach the number of souls that Allaah has decreed should be created in this world. Expulsion of the water (semen) which may cause harm to the body if it is retained. Fulfilling physical desires and enjoying physical pleasure. This alone is the feature that will be present in Paradise, because there will be no producing of offspring there, and no retention which needs to be relieved by ejaculation. The best doctors suggest that sex is one of the means of maintaining good health. (al-Tibb al-Nabawi, p. 249). And he (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Among its benefits is that it helps to lower the gaze, brings self-control, enables one to keep away from haraam things, and achieves all of these things for the woman too. It brings benefit to a man with regard to this world and the Hereafter, and benefits the woman too. Hence the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to enjoy regular intimate relations with his wives, and he said, In your world, women and perfume have been made dear to me. (Narrated by Ahmad, 3/128; al-Nasaai, 7/61; classed as saheeh by al-Haakim). And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: O young men, whoever among you can afford it, let him get married, for it helps him to lower his gaze and protect his chastity. And whoever cannot do that, let him fast, for it will be a protection for him. (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 9/92; Muslim, 1400). (al-Tibb alNabawi, 251). Among the important matters which should be paid attention to when

engaging in intimate relations: Having the sincere intention of doing this thing only for the sake of Allaah. One should intend to do this to protect oneself and one's wife from doing haraam things, to increase the numbers of the Muslim ummah so as to raise its status, for there is honour and pride in large numbers. It should be known that one will be rewarded for this action, even if he finds immediate pleasure and enjoyment in it. It was reported from Abu Dharr that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: In the sexual intercourse of any one of you there is reward (meaning, when he has intercourse with his wife). They said, O Mesenger of Allaah, when any one of us fulfils his desire, will he have a reward for that? He (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: Do you not see that if he were to do it in a haraam manner, he would be punished for that? So if he does it in a halaal manner, he will be rewarded. (Narrated by Muslim, 720). This is the great bounty of Allaah towards this Ummah; praise be to Allaah Who has made us among them. Intercourse should be preceded by kind words, playfulness and kisses. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to play with his wives and kiss them. When a man has intercourse with his wife, he should say: Bismillaah, Allaahumma jannibnaa al-shaytaan wa jannib al-shaytaan maa razqtanaa (In the name of Allaah, O Allaah Keep us away from the Shaytaan and keep the Shaytaan away from what You bestow on us (our children)). The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: If Allaah decrees that they should have a child, the Shaytaan will never harm him. (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 9/187) It is permissible for the husband to have intercourse with his wife in her vagina in whatever manner he wishes, from behind or from the front, on the condition that it is in her vagina, which is the place from which a child is born. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth (have sexual relations with your wives in any manner as long as it is in the vagina and not in the anus), when or how you will [al-Baqarah 2:223]. Jaabir ibn Abd-Allaah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Jews used to say that if a man had intercourse with his wife in her vagina from behind, the child would have a squint. Then this aayah was revealed: Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth (have sexual relations with your wives in any manner as long as it is in the vagina and not in the anus), when or how you will [alBaqarah 2:223]. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: From the front or from the back, so long as it is in the vagina. (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 8/154; Muslim, 4/156). It is not permissible for the husband under any circumstances whatsoever to have intercourse with his wife in her back passage. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth (have sexual relations with your wives in any manner as long as it is in the vagina and not in the anus), when or how you will [al-Baqarah 2:223]. It is known that the place of tilth is the vagina, which is the place from which one hopes for a child. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: He is cursed who has intercourse with women in their back passages. (Narrated by Ibn Udayy, 1/211; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Adaab al-Zafaaf, p. 105). This is because it [anal intercourse] goes against the fitrah [natural inclinations of man] and is an action which is revolting to those of a sound human nature; it also causes the woman to miss out on her share of pleasure; and the back passage is a place of filth and dirt and there are other reasons which confirm the fact that this deed is haraam. For more information see Question #1103. If a man has intercourse with his wife and wants to come back to her a second time, he should do wudoo, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: If any one of you has intercourse with his wife then wants to repeat it, let him do wudoo between the two (actions), for it is more

energizing for the second time. (Narrated by Muslim, 1/171). This is mustahabb (recommended), not waajib (obligatory); if he is able to do ghusl between the two actions, this is better, because of the hadeeth of Abu Raafi who said that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) went around his wives one day and did ghusl in this ones house and in this ones house. He (Abu Raafi) said: I said to him, O Messenger of Allaah, why do you not do one ghusl? He said, This is cleaner and better and purer. (Narrated by Abu Dawood and al-Nasaai, 1/79) One or both of the spouses have to do ghusl in the following situations: when the two circumcised parts meet, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: When the circumcised part meets the circumcised part (according to another report: when the circumcised part touches the circumcised part), ghusl becomes waajib (obligatory). (Narrated by Ahmad and Muslim, no. 526). This ghusl is obligatory whether ejaculation takes place or not. The touching of the circumcised parts means that the glans or tip of the penis penetrates the vagina; it does not mean mere touching. Emission of semen, even if the two circumcised parts do not touch, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, Water is for water [i.e., the water of ghusl is necessary when the water of semen is ejaculated]. (Narrated by Muslim, no. 1/269). Al-Baghawi said in Sharh al-Sunnah (2/9): Ghusl for janaabah [impurity following sexual discharge] is waajib in either of two cases: when the tip of the penis enters the vagina, or when gushing water is emitted by either the man or the woman. For more information on the details of ghusl as prescribed in shareeah, see Question # 415. It is permissible for the husband and wife to do ghusl together in one place, even if he sees her and she sees him, because of the hadeeth of Aaishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) who said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and I used to do ghusl together from one vessel between me and him; we would take turns dipping our hands in the vessel and he would take more than me until I would say, Leave some for me, leave some for me. She said, and they were both junub (in a state of janaabah). Narrated by al-Bukhaari and Muslim. It is permissible for a person who has to make ghusl to sleep and delay the ghusl until before the time of prayer, but it is definitely mustahabb for him to do wudoo before sleeping, because of the hadeeth of Umar, who said that he asked the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), Can any one of us sleep when he is junub? The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: Yes, but let him do wudoo if he wishes. (Narrated by Ibn Hibbaan, 232). It is forbidden to have intercourse with a woman when she is menstruating (having her period), because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): They ask you concerning menstruation. Say: that is an adhaa (a harmful thing for a husband to have a sexual intercourse with his wife while she is having her menses), therefore keep away from women during menses and go not unto them till they have purified (from menses and have taken a bath). And when they have prufieied themselves, then go in unto them as Allaah has ordained for you (go in unto them in any manner as long as it is in their vagina). Truly, Allaah loves those who turn unto Him in repentance and loves those who purify themselves (by taking a bath and cleaning and washing thoroughly their private parts, bodies, for their prayers, etc.). [al-Baqarah 2:222]. The person who has intercourse with his wife whilst she is menstruating has to give a dinar or half a dinar in charity, as it was reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) obliged a man to do when he came and asked him about that. This was reported by the authors of alSunan and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Adaab al-Zafaaf, p. 122. But it is permissible for the husband to enjoy his menstruating wife without having intercourse, because of the hadeeth of Aaishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) who

said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) would tell one of us, when she was menstruating, to wear a waist-wrapper, then her husband would lie with her. (Agreed upon). It is permissible for the husband to withdraw (azl) if he does not want to have a child; by the same token it is permissible for him to use condoms if his wife gives her permission, because she has the right to pleasure and to children. The evidence for this is the hadeeth of Jaabir ibn Abd-Allaah (may Allaah be pleased with him) who said, We used to do azl at the time of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) heard about that, and he did not forbid us. (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 9/250; Muslim, 4/160). But it is better not to do any of that, for several reasons, including the fact that it deprives the woman of pleasure or reduces the pleasure for her; and that it cancels out one of the purposes of marriage, which is to increase the number of offspring, as mentioned above. It is forbidden for both spouses to spread the secrets of what happens between them in their private marital life; indeed, this is one of the most evil things. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: Among the most evil of people before Allaah on the Day of Resurrection will be a man who comes to his wife and has intercourse with her, then he spreads her secrets. (Narrated by Muslim, 4/157). It was reported from Asmaa bint Yazeed that she was with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and men and women were sitting with him, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, Would any man say what he did with his wife? Would any woman tell others what she did with her husband? The people kept quiet and did not answer. I [Asmaa] said: Yes, by Allaah, O Messenger of Allaah, they (women) do that, and they (men) do that. He said, Do not do that. It is like a male devil meeting a female devil in the road and having intercourse with her whilst the people are watching. (Narrated by Abu Dawood, no. 1/339; classed as saheeh by alAlbaani in Adaab al-Zafaaf, p. 143). This is what we were able to mention about the etiquette of sexual relations. Praise be to Allaah Who has guided us to this great religion with its sublime manners. Praise be to Allaah Who has shown us the best of this world and the next. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad. When a Muslim wants to consummate his marriage, a number of things are recommended in the sunnah: He should treat his bride kindly and gently, like offering her something to drink and so on, because of the hadeeth narrated by Asmaa bint Yazeed ibn al-Sakan, who said: I prepared Aaishah as a bride when she married the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). I came to him and invited him to see her (uncover her face). So he came and sat beside her, and a large cup of milk was brought to him. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) drank some, then offered it to her, but she lowered her head and felt shy. I rebuked her and said: Take it from the hand of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). So she took it and drank a little, then the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to her, Give some to your companion (meaning himself). (Reported by Imaam Ahmad and deemed saheeh by al-Albaani) He should place his hand on his brides head and pray for her, saying Bismillaah and asking for barakah (blessing), saying the words reported in the hadeeth narrated by Abdullaah ibn Amr ibn al-Aas, who said that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: When one of you marries a woman or buys a servant, let him say: Allaahumma inni asaluka khayraha wa khayra ma jabaltaha alayhi wa aoodhu bika min sharriha wa min sharri ma jabaltaha alayhi (O Allaah, I ask You for her goodness and the goodness which You have created in her, and I seek refuge with You from her evil and the evil which You have created in her). Abu Dawud said that Abu Saeed added: Then let him take

hold of her forelock and pray for blessing from this woman or servant. (Reported by Abu Dawud in al-Sunan, Kitaab al-Nikaah, Baab fi jaami al-nikaah; classed as hasan in Saheeh al-Jaami, no. 341) He should pray two rakahs with her, leading her in prayer, because this is reported as being the practice of the salaf (early generations). There are two reports concerning this. (i) from Abu Saeed, the freed slave of Abu Usayd, which states that a group of the Companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) taught him and told him: When your wife comes in to you, pray two rakahs and ask Allaah for the goodness of what has come to you, and seek refuge with Him from its evil. (ii) from Shaqeeq, who said: A man called Abu Hareez came and said (to Abdullaah ibn Masood, may Allaah be pleased with him): I have married a young virgin girl, but I am afraid that she may hate me. Abdullaah said: Love comes from Allaah and hatred comes from Shaytaan, who wants to make you hate what Allaah has made permissible. When she comes to you, tell her to pray two rakahs behind you. (These two reports were narrated by Ibn Abi Shaybah; see Aadaab al-Zafaaf by al-Albaani). When he wants to consummate the marriage, he should say the words reported in the hadeeth reported by Ibn Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him and his father) from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) who said: When one of you wants to approach (have intercourse with) his wife, if he says: Bismillahi Allaahumma jannibna al-Shaytaan wa jannib al-Shaytaan ma razaqtana (In the name of Allaah, O Allaah, protect us from Shaytaan and protect whatever You give to us from Shaytaan) then if they are given a child, Shaytaan will not harm it. (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath, no. 3271) (For more information, see Aadaab al-Zafaaf by al-Albaani, p. 91) There is no limit to the number of guests one can invite to a wedding feast (waleema), so invite whoever you wish of your relatives, the brides relatives, your friends and anyone you have a good reason to invite. It is not permitted in Islam to do anything that is haraam such as having music, letting men and women mix, or letting women dance in front of men, or other things that earn the wrath of Allaah. How can the blessing of Allaah be exchanged for disobedience and immorality? At weddings, women can do whatever is allowed in Islam, such as singing acceptable songs with good words or entertaining themselves by playing the daff (a certain kind of drum, resembling a tambourine without the rattles) only, so long as no men are present. Providing the wedding feast (waleema) is the husbands responsibility. The sunnah is to slaughter one sheep or more for the guests, if he is able to, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to Abd alRahmaan ibn Awf, Give a wedding feast, even if it is only one sheep. (Reported by alBukhaari, al-Fath, no. 2048). We ask Allaah to bless you and your bride and to grant you a happy marriage. Sexual Problems `The more a woman feels desire, the more she will be desired.' (Ibn Qutayba, Uyun al-Akhbar) `May Allah grant glory and eternal salvation to those who know how to stroke a soft cheek in an accomplished manner, to give a just accolade to a slender waist, and to enter the sweetest farj with a befitting skill!' (Imam al Suyuti, Kitab al-Idah fi ilm al-nikah) There is a widespread belief that the sexual problems of society at large do not exist in the Muslim community - or are at least uncommon. Sadly, the dislocation many Muslim families have experienced over the past generation or so means that this rosy assessment is often misplaced. One such problem is that of husbands who are baffled that sex, which seems very enjoyable to them, does not seem in the least enjoyable to their wives. They begin to wonder what is wrong with them. Has it been their misfortune to marry a frigid woman? Or is it that she simply doesn't care for him at all? It all seems so enigmatic - but then women are a mystery, aren't they? Poor men! The answer often lies in their own ignorance of women's sexuality - and the answers to their

mystified questions are really so easy! Those sensual decadent American women on the films do not enjoy sex any more or less than the most chaste of Islamic village maidens - God made their equipment more or less the same. It is what the man learns to do with it that counts. Husbands - it is basically up to you. A Muslim man who has the intention to create a happy marriage should start, as with all things, in prayer, submission to God, and deep thought - not to work out his own will, but to discover the will of his Lord. In fact, the Blessed Prophet recommended that one should always begin sexual intimacy in an atmosphere of prayer. He (s) said: `If, when you approach your spouse, you say: "In the name of God! O Lord God, protect me from the devil, and protect from the devil that which You grant to us", then, if a child is conceived, the devil shall not harm it.' (Bukhari and Muslim) (The meaning of `not harming it' in this hadith is that the devil shall not overcome it ... no scholar has held that it is to be taken at face value to mean that such a child will never experience any harm, whisperings or temptations from the devil. (Qadi Iyad, Sharh Sahih Muslim.)) Imam Ghazali further suggests that the lovers should begin with Bismillah and Surat alIkhlas as a way of increasing the blessing of the sex act. And when approaching orgasm, they should quietly say: `Al-hamdu li'Llah alladhi khalaqa min al-ma'i basharan.' (`Praised be Allah Who has created human beings out of water.') Doctors get asked so often how often one should `perform' per week. This can't be answered. Some people would enjoy intimacy three times a day or more, while others are quite content with once a fortnight, or even less! It all depends how long your sexual activity takes, how much pleasure and satisfaction it gives, and so forth. (It is interesting to note that the caliph Umar reckoned that a woman had the right to sex at least once every four days, while Imam Abu Talib al-Makki added that `if he knows that she needs more, he is obliged to comply.' (Zabidi, Ithaf, V 373.)) However, it has to be said candidly that one reason why men so often feel threatened and dismayed by female sexual hunger and capacity is not that their women are oversexed at all. Whenever women are accused of this, you should suspect male selfishness and/or ignorance! All too often when these men do mate they only gratify themselves and, having seen to their own needs, do not even attempt to bring the woman to climax. Therefore the woman remains `hungry' and unfulfilled, and looks for further opportunity when the man is sated - and thus she gets accused of being oversexed. This is a pitiful but all too common injustice. In any case, the level of an individual's sexual appetite, rather like brainpower, is not the choice of the individual but is largely a matter granted by Allah at His direction. As is well known, the early Muslims regarded sexual prowess and the ability to satisfy a woman as being an essential part of manhood. The niece of A'isha, a scholarly and beautiful woman called A'isha bint Talha, once married the pious Umar ibn Ubaydillah. On their wedding night he made love to her no fewer than seven times, so that when morning came, she told him: `You are a perfect Muslim in every way, even in this!' Such stories are common in our literature. But the only true answer to the question of `how often' for a dedicated Muslim is whatever is right for you as a couple. It is not `whatever is right just for you'! You must consider your wife's needs and feelings, just as you would wish her to consider yours. In the West, this sort of thing is often investigated before commitment to marriage, the idea being that finding a `good' sexual partner before marriage will reduce the possibility of disappointment later. But figures released in 1993 showed that people who had cohabited before marriage were 60% more likely to get divorced than those who had not. In fact, the divorce rate in secular countries proves that the idea of `testing the waters' does not work at all. In any case, Muslims cannot approve of this because our Lord has not sanctioned

physical intimacy before marriage. Muslim partners endeavour to get their needs understood and sorted out as soon as they are able to do so, after marriage. But talking is sometimes so difficult. Shy women will very rarely say what they really feel on the subject, either because of natural modesty, or because they fear that their husbands will interpret their words as criticism. They do not want to upset or to hurt their spouses, or make them feel small, or a failure. The price the woman sometimes has to pay for her loving concern for her husband's feelings is a lifetime of `the cat seeing the meal, but having it snatched away each time she starts to eat.' No man who is aware of this, and carries on ignoring it, can be considered a complete and good Muslim. In fact, it is a form of extreme and damaging cruelty. Every man should appreciate that despite some common myths, it rarely takes less than 15 to 30 minutes of specific sexual activity to arouse a woman to a level where her physical satisfaction is in sight. Do not despair - this does not mean that a man has to `perform' for that length of time: although some women might think it would be very nice if he could, others would be horrified at the thought. There are other things that a man has to do. According to Imam al-Ghazali: `When he has come to his orgasm (inzal), he should wait for his wife until she comes to her orgasm likewise; for her climax may well come slowly. If he arouses her desire, and then sits back from her, this will hurt her, and any disparity in their orgasms will certainly produce a sense of estrangement. A simultaneous orgasm will be the most delightful for her, especially since her husband will be distracted by his own orgasm from her, and she will not therefore be afflicted by shyness.' (Ihya, II, 46.) Selfish modern lovers would do well to consider the words of this great Imam, written nine hundred years ago! But suppose a man cannot help rushing to his climax so quickly that his wife gets no pleasure from his intimacy at all? He should not just think about his problem, but take some decisive action. One rather obvious solution (which nevertheless does not always occur to many men) might be to come to climax quickly, as usual, then after arousing his wife for twenty minutes or so while he rests, try again! This would need the wife's consent, for the first quick climax might be painful for her. He should not worry that he may not be able to achieve full satisfaction for himself the second time. He may surprise himself and have no bother at all, or it may be that the unfamiliarity of the sequence prevents him from achieving full satisfaction at all this time - and he may feel ashamed of himself or think that he has failed. This is, incidentally, very often the reason why a man who is not hampered by actual tiredness or lack of opportunity nevertheless does not attempt anything further than his own instant pleasure. He fears that he may fail; and does not realise that his wife will not think of his attempt in the same terms! Never mind if he `fails' or `feels frustrated' this time around -remember his poor wife probably ended up frustrated every time he approached her, if he always ejaculated just when she was warming up! Just think about why he is attempting it - it is not in order to satisfy himself, but just to offer a little more satisfaction to her. Another suggestion that often helps is that the couple overcome their shyness enough for the wife to practise the technique of gently squeezing his penis just below its head, thereby stopping a climax and prolonging the act of intercourse. The same effect will be achieved if the angle of the penis is altered by gently pushing it down towards his legs, almost to the point where it becomes uncomfortable. The husband's excitement can also be reduced by mental effort: he could try thinking about something completely unconnected with sex. Skilled husbands develop the ability to delay their orgasm simply by willpower, by telling themselves firmly that it is too early. In fact, according to Imam al-Zabidi: `Some strong men control themselves so perfectly that they have their orgasms only when they wish. What can one say about them, other

than "Allah gives what He will to whom He will!"' (Zabidi, lthaf, V 373.) Needless to say, this rare achievement requires plenty of practice. A life with plenty of spiritual effort and prayer will help to provide the essential discipline here. There is a physiological solution which can be used in conjunction with these techniques. This can be found in traditional Islamic medicine, which prescribes a range of natural remedies to increase female sexual enjoyment and thus speed up the onset of orgasm. (See Chishti's Traditional Healer, 285-93.) The most usual popular alternative is for the husband to bring his wife to climax by caressing. This needs sensitivity and judgment, for often the wife really is not in the mood, or is in pain, or is too tired for sex, in which case her husband's normal quick sexual act will be sufficient. Some inexperienced husbands do not realise that many women cannot reach climax at all unless the man caresses them. The man has to be able to touch his wife intimately with his hand. For some women, this is the only way they can reach fulfillment. The husband (who usually is very well aware that the woman does have a clitoris, even if he is not quite sure what to do with it!) has to realise that just to press down on it with some part of his anatomy, like his foot curled around her, or pressure from his knee, is not enough. Most men usually understand quickly the techniques of stimulating the female breasts, and especially the nipples, with kisses or with their fingers, an act which is an effective but supplementary means of helping the wife towards inzal. Imagine trying to caress her breast with a foot or knee! Exactly the same applies to the clitoris. It is a much more sensitive area, should be treated with great care, and if it is caressed properly (a matter worked out by practice and communication with the wife) it will usually bring the woman to readiness, or to climax, very quickly. Men need to remember, of course, that if they are caressing their wives in the wrong way or in the wrong place, it will hurt rather than cause them pleasure. So care, sensitivity, communication and practice are vital here. While some people may at first dislike using their fingers, it should be emphasized that there is no Islamic objection to it. Imam Abu Hanifa was once asked about a husband's touching the private parts of his wife, and vice versa, and he replied: `There is nothing wrong with that, and I hope that their reward will be great.' (Zabidi, lthaf, V 331.) Once this is mastered, it is also worth knowing that most women also have a third very sensitive area (the `G-spot') inside the vagina - not deep inside, but a few centimeters in on the upper wall. This is one reason why the size of a man's penis is not particularly important for a woman very few experience much sensation in the depths of their vaginas, near the womb. The G-spot always gives great pleasure if caressed with the fingers, or if the penis is angled in the right direction. When the wife shuffles about during sex, this may be because she is trying to get you into the right position for this. To find the G-spot, insert the forefinger into the vagina and rest the fingertip on the front wall, about two thirds of the way along the vagina towards the cervix. You should feel a small configuration of muscles that are able to resist firm but gentle pressure. Finding the G-spot can greatly enhance the woman's sexual pleasure and enable her to experience much quicker and more intense orgasms. This could be one reason why the Prophet (s) defended a man's right to `come to his tilth' from behind, for that position often gives the woman far more pleasure than face-to-face. But there are many other positions which have been recommended by the ulema. These include the `scissors', where the husband and wife are at an angle to each other. Some people enjoy the `woman on top' position, where she either faces the husband's face and shoulders, or faces away from him. Any position that enables the husband to touch his wife's pleasure zone with his fingers at the same time as he is within her will bring her far more satisfaction - and face-to-face with the woman beneath is the one position where

such caressing becomes very difficult. It should be obvious that people's shapes should be taken into account in finding the best position. If a man is thin, he probably cannot even imagine the problems faced by his stouter fellow. The man has to fit himself comfortably into the shape of his wife's hips in order to connect well. If he is a large boned man, or inclined to be fat, the straightforward face-to-face position is not going to be at all satisfactory for either of them, and could actually be painful for the woman. They should try some of the other ways of coming together. Bear in mind, too, that if the wife is shy about her breasts, she is going to be very shy indeed about her even more private areas, and for a man to overcome his feelings and then gently deal with her shyness is all part of being an intelligent and successful Muslim husband. As we pointed out earlier, it is obvious that the husband should not leap into action with full force and expect her instant capitulation if not ecstasy, as is so frequently depicted in films. X-rated movies, although they show complete nudity and the sex act in shocking detail, do not actually show real or realistic sex. That would be boring - remember it takes the average woman more than fifteen minutes to get anywhere. Remember that the actresses are not 'real life'; they are not portraying the realities of married life - they are `prostitutes of the eye', whose business is fantasy and not reality. Women are extremely sensitive and tender, and the husband will only hurt her and be pushed off, or at best be `tolerated' and not `enjoyed', if he is rough and abusive. Gently does it! Start in first gear, not fourth. If a husband goes slowly and with reverence for the Muslim woman he loves, and then increases his fervour, he will soon be gratified to see her happy response - and what a difference this will make to the marriage! Some men go through their entire married lives being gross and clumsy, and never discover that making love is quite a talent. As a result, they have never enjoyed the experience of making love to a fully aroused woman. When a woman is fully aroused, she cannot control the exciting movements, known as qabd, made in her vagina. Some men never find this out - a terrible and needless tragedy. We saw above that many women need specific caressing by hand to their erogenous zones to continue right through the entire act of lovemaking if they are to achieve inzal. This may involve some minor sacrifice and discomfort for the husband, if he cannot work himself around to some satisfactory position, and especially if he is being overwhelmed by his own climax. Don't worry! No woman actually expects her man constantly to be on the lookout for her own gratification all the time, for that would be just as selfish as the man never thinking about it. This is something that will be worked out gradually between the couple. A Muslim husband will make it his business to find out what she likes, and if possible, to carry on doing it rights through his own climax. The most beautiful and exciting sexual relationship comes when a couple have practised and know each other so well that they can reach climax at the same time, even though this takes considerable skill. If for some reason this cannot be managed, then the man should carry on doing what she likes afterwards, even after his inzal is complete, until she has caught up. More gratifying for him in many ways is the technique of bringing her to climax first, before he himself lets go. We have already seen the importance which Imam al-Ghazali attached to the simultaneous orgasm, and that `he should not satisfy his need from her before she has fulfilled her need from him'. But whatever happens, once the husband has reached his climax he should not just leap away and charge off to the bathroom leaving her in abject despair, hypertension and shock! To reach climax together is something that takes considerable practice and expertise, and some couples never achieve it properly in a lifetime together. However, Imam al-Ghazali was raising a very important point when he mentioned the wife's shyness if the husband was satisfying her after achieving his

own inzal: it is only natural for the man immediately to lose all interest in sex and want to go off to sleep, so the poor wife feels that in order to claim her Islamic right she has to irritate him, and make him impatient with her. Once disturbing thoughts like these enter her head, it only delays the orgasm even more, and perhaps prevents it altogether, thereby producing real psychological harm. Hence the very sad but common situation of wives who are too kind or tactful towards their husbands' feelings actually faking their orgasms, and then becoming so frustrated that they indulge in lonely masturbation behind his back. However hard she may try, disappointment and resentment will be hard to avoid - and these are two of the most powerful marriage killers in the devil's arsenal. Most married women know only too well how difficult and embarrassing it can be to try to request physical satisfaction from a tired husband who has just satisfied himself, and who then instantly turns over and drops off to sleep, perhaps blithely and ignorantly assuming that what he has just done has satisfied her. (`We've had sex, haven't we? Aren't you ever satisfied?') Many wives find themselves totally unable to get their men to understand the true state of affairs. Many men do not seem to realise that very few wives can achieve any physical satisfaction from the simple animal act of placing the penis in the vagina alone. Allah simply did not make them that way. It may be enough for a man, but it is almost never enough for a woman. It should be obvious that if Allah had simply intended that that should sum up the sex act, He would not have created the rest of the female equipment. On its own, the vagina almost never brings satisfaction, unless the man can hold out for a very long time indeed - which is a rare accomplishment. This means that if a man is not strong enough to conquer his shyness about touching his wife, his modesty, far from being a virtue, actually becomes a direct cause of marital cruelty. Another way of increasing the wife's frustration is for the couple to lose contact, or for the man to `come out' and be spent outside his wife's body, or for the man to seek his satisfaction without placing his penis in the wife's vagina at all. This might be one way of managing contraception, but it is extremely frustrating for the woman, and is another destroyer of marital enjoyment and harmony. The Blessed Prophet said it should only be done with the wife's permission. If a man does deliberately ejaculate outside a woman's vagina (some men enjoy this), he should realise that this is not full intercourse, and may not grant the wife any satisfaction at all -even though she has accepted it and is eager to please him! The purpose of Nikah is lost if the spouses fail to satisfy in each other the natural hungers that Allah has created. The legal aspect of `coitus interruptus' (withdrawal before ejaculation) in the revealed law is fairly complex. The Hanbali school reckons that a man does not need his wife's permission, on the assumption that she does not have the automatic right to his ejaculation; nevertheless, Ibn Qudama al-Maqdisi, the most 'hardline' of this school, still maintains that obtaining her permission is preferable for the sake of amity. The Hanafis reckon that the woman has to give permission, except when times are very hard so that any children conceived are likely to be in for a miserable existence, in which case the husband is allowed to use contraception without her permission. The Maliki school actually allows the wife to demand and receive monetary compensation as the price of her permission! The Shafi'is hold that the woman's consent may be sought as a precondition for the marriage contract, after which she cannot complain. Finally, good adab is also necessary after lovemaking. This is something that is particularly important for the husband to remember, if he wishes to have a happy wife. Remember that his basic need is for respect, while hers is for love. Just as a man would hate to be laughed at for sexual inadequacy, so a woman hates to be `used' and then set aside without a word of love. The correct

Islamic manners for a husband are to lie with his arms round his wife for some moments, after checking her happiness, telling her that he loves her, and in his heart thanking Allah for his happiness and good fortune. Conclusion Once sex has become a chore and a duty, the marriage is well on its way to being dead. If the man's efforts actually cause the woman pain or distaste, she will soon avoid any intimacy at all, and will use any excuse to get out of it. Headaches, weak heart, rheumatism - you name it, she'll have it. In fact, a real sexual relationship is so good for you it would help to heal all these conditions, since it is good healthy activity that raises the heart rate and stimulates the lungs, and takes the mind off disturbing problems and brings spiritual wholeness, serenity and contentment. The considerate Muslim man soon learns how to make his wife happy, and in doing so, refuses to get anxious and overwrought about his own performance. A good Muslim wife will never despise a husband for his physical equipment or lack of expertise, so long as he is loving and considerate towards her. And if they married as virgins, there will be no unfavourable comparisons for either of them to make.! If a good Muslim marriage is to be sadaqa for the spouses and pleasing in the eyes of God, it is no use one partner seething with frustration and then finally cracking up. Both of them should try to find gentle ways of supplying `feedback' to the other - not to be interpreted as criticism, dissatisfaction or hostility (which is what it becomes if left to ferment for too long), but as the only way to learn and grow together, as sanctioned and willed for us by Allah. May Allah forgive this author for raising topics that are sensitive and private, and discussing them in a way that some might think incorrect and distasteful. But we know that many Muslims nowadays are asking about these matters, and it is the Sunna to make useful knowledge known, whatever it might be. Allah ta'ala decreed that creation should be set up in pairs complementing each other in harmony, and wished only happiness and peace for us. Therefore, we should all make it our jihad to create happy and fulfilled marriages, in the sight of Him in Whose `hand' lie our souls. May everything we do be pleasing to Him, and may He bless us and bring us to fulfillment, serenity and completion. Ameen. [HUKUM DAN ETIKA MALAM PERTAMA] ------------------------------- <Pertama> Dianjurkan kepada sang suami bersikap lemah lembut pada malam pertama dengan mengajak bicara sehingga terjadi keakraban atau menyuguhkan segelas minuman sebagaimana yang dilakukan Rasulullah Shallallahu'alaihi wa sallam. <Kedua> Dianjurkan untuk meletakkan tangan kanan di atas ubun ubun sang istri kemudian membaca doa yang diajarkan Rasulullah Shallallahu'alaihi wa sallam. "Bismillah Allahumma bariklii fii zaujatii .." <Ketiga> Dianjurkan kepada sang suami shalat dua raka'at bersama istrinya dan sang istri berada di belakangnya. Sebab demikian itu lebih melanggengkan kasih sayang. <Keempat> Jika ingin melakukan hubungan sebadan hendaknya berdoa: "Bismillah, allahumma jannibnasy syaithaan wa jannibisy syaithaan maa razaqtanaa" <Kelima> Tidak boleh sang suami menggauli istri kecuali di tempat jalan lahirnya bayi dan boleh melakukan cumbu rayu sesuka hati namun tidak boleh menggaulinya ketika masa haid atau nifas. <Keenam> Apabila sang suami memiliki lebih dari satu istri maka pada pagi hari dari malam pertama hendaknya sang suami mendatangi istri istri lain dengan tujuan saling mendoakan. <Ketujuh> Diharamkan bagi kedua mempelai menyebarkan rahasia hubungan seksual karena hal itu termasuk dosa besar. [HAK HAK SUAMI DAN ISTRI] Diantara hak hak yang harus ditegakkan bersama sama sebagai berikut: <Pertama> Kerja sama dalam rangka menegakkan ketaatan kepada Allah, satu dengan yang lain saling mengingatkan kepada nilai ketakwaan. Diantara contoh yang paling indah adalah kerjasama antara suami dengan istri dalam menghidupkan qiyamul lail sebagaimana sabda Nabi Shallallahu'alaihi wa sallam

(yang artinya) : "Semoga Allah merahmati seorang laki laki yang bangun malam kemudian shalat dan membangunkan istrinya untuk shalat dan bila tidak mau bangun maka ia memerciki dengan air di wajahnya. Dan semoga Allah merahmati seorang perempuan yang bangun malam lalu shalat dan membangunkan suaminya untuk shalat, bila tidak mau bangun maka ia memerciki dengan air di wajahnya." (HR. Ahmad, Ahlul Sunan kecuali At Tirmidzi dan hadits ini shahih). <Kedua> Menjalani kehidupan rumah tangga dengan tulus, ikhlas, setia dan penuh kasih sayang. <Ketiga> Hendaknya masing masing suami istri merasa memiliki tanggung jawab penuh terhadap tugas dan kewajiban yang ada di pundaknya. Masing masing harus tahu bahwa dia dituntut untuk menunaikan kewajiban secara baik dan sempurna sebagaimana sabda Nabi (yang artinya) "Setiap kalian adalah pemimpiin dan akan diminta pertanggungjawaban atas kepemimpinannya dan imam adalah pemimpin, dan orang laki laki adalah pemimpin bagi keluarganya, dan wanita adalah penanggungjawab atas rumah suami dan anaknya. Dan setiap kalian adalah pemimpin dan setiap kalian akan diminta pertanggungjawaban atas kepemimpinannya." (HR. Al Bukhari) <Keempat> Antara suami dan istri harus kerjasama secara baik dalam rangka mewujudkan suasana tenang dan gembira serta berusaha semaksimal mungkin menjauhkan perkara perkara yang mendatangkan keburukan dan kesedihan. Betapa indahnya ucapan Abu Darda' ketika berkata kepada istrinya : "Jika kamu sedang melihatku dalam keadaan marah maka carilah sesuatu yang bisa menyenangkanku dan jika aku melihatmu sedang marah maka aku akan mencari sesuatu yang bisa menyenangkanmu, dan bila tidak seperti itu maka kita tidak usah berkumpul saja". <Kelima> Tidak menyebarkan rahasia masing masing dan tidak menyebut nyebut keburukan pasangannya di depan orang lain karena demikian itu melecehkan harga diri pasangannya di depan orang lain. Ketika itu ia telah melakukan ghibah yang dibenci lagi berdosa. <Keenam> Hendaknya masing masing memperhatikan gaya dan penampilan, istri berdandan yang bagus untuk suami dan suami juga berdandan yang bagus untuk sang istri. Ibnu Abbas berkata : "Saya sangat senang berdandan untuk istriku sebagaimana saya senang bila ia berdandan untukku, karena Allah berfirman :'Dan bagi istri istri hak yang sepadan dengan kewajiban kewajibannya dengan baik'."

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