Prologue Sometimes I think about her, about what she'd do if she knew what was happening tome. I ie in bed and fantasize about her turning up at the door. Geoff and Jeff would be all fanny at fist but then they'd let her in and call me 1 come down, and when I walked in her face would light pat the sight of mo and she'd start tor. Shed tell me she’s sorry. That she’s been sorry every single day since she gave me up, that she’s never forgiven herself, She'd tell me that she wants me back She'd tell me that she'd sop what's happening to me Sometimes I think it so hard that I end up drearning about it, and when Tcvake up I have to remember that she didn’t turn up last night at all, Infact, she hasn't seen me once since she handed me over and probably never wil Fiday started with the same old sickness. Ican only make it go away if Teistract myself with routine: Twash, get dressed and sit at my compute, moving bits and pieces around in the graphics I've made for a school thing, My at teacher seems to like me, says Vd be realy quite good if 1 Set my mind to ita bit more. What he doesn’t understand is bringing one of those big plastic folder things into school with your work in would be virtually impossible for me. For a kid who tries to make herself invisibleon her way to school, carrying a big folder which basically says Im a fener and I want you to know it is practically asking to be shat on. T try to leave the house at exactly elecen minutes past eight. ve worked out that gets me tothe bus stop just as the bus is pulling round the corner, meaning that Ican get on last, once everyone else has already sat down. Of course it sometimes means I miss the bus altogether swhich take as a sign that I shouldn't go in that day and usually go aff 0 find Dean, Today though, I gt there just on time, asthe last person is about to get on, and I force myself to stand behind them. I'm hoping the driver won't have a head fit about letting me stand right up front by him. Sometimes they don’ like it. I get on and pay my fare and am standing in prime positon next tothe driver with my back tothe rest of the bus. T thought I saw the flash of Riga's bright red backpack but Pd rather not turn around to check. I breathe in for five and out for seven, which sometimes helps, and hope the tventyfive minutes on the bus goes fast. I prull up my hood and put my headphones on. Even though Tm not playing anything om my iPod, I want it o look like I am. I can’t ‘afford not to be able 10 hear what’ going on behind me. ts a mistake I learnt the time Thad pizza wiped into my face and hair. Lfind I can’t listen to me scruff any more 1 look out of the front window and into peoples’ cars, imagining what they're like and adding the dialogue to people I can see talking 10 each other ‘Excuse me?” Tjump, not used to being touched without something bad following it I turn around and see ths tiny gir, scared-looking, ‘Sorry, I just saw that you're om the way to St Martin's from your jumper.” She points to the emblem peeping out fiom under my coat ‘Yeah? I reply, my voice quiet but hostile, Ie jus, it's my fist day tere and Iwas wondering if you could tell Ime when to get off the bus? And, like, where Im supposed to go? She smiles and the corner of her mouth twitches a litle bit. 1 look quickly behind her, condering if this is some tasted sit Riga has setup. But that lot are obviously all upstairs. In fact, me and this girl are the only St Martin’ kids onthe lower deck ‘Yeah, no problem,? I manage, my voice still just a little bit too quiet “Thanks!” she beams, seeming genuinely pleased to speak to me {Pm Emma. Had to transfer from Colchester High School because my parents can’t afford it any more. Pve never been to a girl's school before What's St Martins like?” wonder whether to lie to er like you're supposed to, tell her its a great school and that FU introduce her to all my friends and make sure she’s OK, and that hanging around with me will help her rather than Hlacklist her. I decide on abit of truth and lie mingled together ‘Lis OK I suppose, pretty much the same as any other school. There’ some bitches around but you should be fine. ‘Hox come?” she smiles, Because you're not ficmny-looking, you don’t have acne or bad ‘breath, and you've got that mysterious, new-gin thing going for you. Trust Ime, you'll be fine “Hope sol” She's abit calmer now, smiling property. Alright if Tzoalk in with you? Think I'm meant to go to the reception but I'm not sure where that is.’ T shake my head. ‘Not such a great idea.” Her face falls. She's hurt ‘Do you have to be somewhere else early or something?” ‘No it’s not that.’ I wonder what Fm supposed to tell her. How do “you explain to someone that in a couple of hours thee going to realize‘that you're a freak and that they don’t want to be seen with you? That ¥ they walk with you from the bus into school — one of the worst bits af my day — they might get caught up in whatever Riga has planned for ime. That if she walks in with me she'll instantly be labelled as my Sirfiiend, effectively ending her chances. of being accepted into this school in any wap. “There's some girls who don't like me on this bus. If you walk in with me then they might She looks twitchy like everyone does zwhen they talk to me. I can see the little batle going on in her head — being a nice enough person to see ‘that I seem alright, but wondering what itis that makes people not like ame. Who wants to start a new school asthe friend of the fieak girl? ‘Thats shit,’ she manages, then finally finds my eyes. But sod it, Pd rather walk in with you than get lst” She smiles at me again and my stomach lrches. This isthe nicest thing that’s happened to me in vee, ‘not to mention the longest conversation Fv had ina while with someone amy age that isn’t Dean. I smile tentatively back at her and fel the tingle sn my fingers. The bus is just pulling up to our stop We jump off frst and I stride away, hoping she'll be OK with walking quickly. She keeps pace with me as I keep my eyes tothe ground, ean fel the tension bouncing between us. Thear the others get off the bus Sekind us, laughing and joking loudly and just as prediced ‘Oi, you fat dyke, found a girffiend finally?" Riga’s voice swims ffortessty above the other noise and is followed by people laughing. It calevays amazes me how a person with such venom inside her could have such a beautiful voice, like black treacle. Emma looks around and realizes 18% her they're refering to ‘Those the girls?” she whispers and I can se she’s scared. We pick up ‘our pace and make it to the entrance hall. I push her quickly towards reception, lad I have an excuse not to have to do the corridors yet So this is reception,’ I say lamely, trying to ignore the fact that practically made her run into the school. ‘Thanks.’ She sort of turns azvay from me then, heading towards the door, and I realize P've faked her out. That was it, a chance at a friend, and once again its been impossible to keep up for longer than ye minutes. . {PU see you around then,? I call towards her, but she's already Iurrying off She turns slight, raising her hand in a litle wave without ‘actually making it all the way round to face me. T feel my face flush. I can’t work out whether Tm upset or just embarrassed or angry because Tm embarrassed. I'm just sick of the feng that P've done something really bad all the time, like P've inflicted weirdness once again onto someone oho stupidly mistook me fora normal Deon. There's 0 tiny bit of me that knows realy that Fm not that weird, that it’s a bullshit bitch that people see me this way. But there's much bigger part of me, wick gets harder to ignore every time something like this happens, that tells me they're right. There must be some reason that people don’t like me. I must be diffrent, and notin a good way. I ‘must make people feel bad. And that's totally my own faultliv The Waterfront, 10pm She really was on one tonight, I could tell by that mad glint she gets in her eye. I wonder what had set her off this time? Maybe her mum had commented on her weight again, Or ‘maybe it was just the end of term and the fact that she doesn’t have school as her dominion any more. Whatever it was she could hardly contain herself, sashaying down the waterfront Tike her arse had a mind of its own. Me and Grace kept a safe distance walking behind her and trying to ignore the ‘comments from pissed blokes on either side ‘Have you said something to her?” Grace whispered. "No. You?’ T don't think so, its hard to remember.’ Grace's face was a picture of anxiety. She was newer to the world of Mini T suppose, less used to the head-fuck rollercoaster that went with it ‘L told her a dress didn’t suit her when we went shopping Tast week, do you think that’s what itis?” “Chill out, Gracie.’ Haughed. 3Grace was actually going a bit pale. Minis hot and cold act never ceases to amaze me. Grace was crapping herself and Mini hadn't even said a word; the gitl’s got some serious skills ‘Are you two fannies fucking coming in or what?!’ Mini called over her shoulder, clocking our faces. ‘Jesus, what's wrong? You've got faces like arseholes!” Tran to catch up with her, putting my arm around her waist and making her slow down. ‘Chill bitch! The night is young!” Her shoulders relaxed as she leaned in to me. Mini Outside the Gents I leaned up against the wall and crossed my ankles, pushing one hip out to the side, playing with my hair. It worked of course, I could feel the eyes of pretty much every single bloke that passed. One complete hottie guy was walking down the stairs. He was tall and dark, a walking cliché, catalogue model or what. His cheekbones were practically cutting into his skin, and even in the low light I could tell that his eyes were green. He was wearing this light, cashmere sweater thing that clung to him slightly and his hair was all floppy, but not in a shitty indie-boy way He was older, maybe in his thirties. Even better. I turned my eyes carefully away and pouted ever so slightly, my fingers twisting through a strand of my hair, He was slowing — perfect and as he stopped in front of us, I looked 4 iup, making sure to use the falsies to full effect. But he was looking at Liv. Some dickwad had stopped in front of us in the queue, doing that retarded sex-stare thing, He was good-looking, sure, but hhe was ficking ancient, his eyes gently wandering up and down me. i “The Gents are over there,’ I gestured, ‘And my face is up here.” ni He held my gaze. ‘You're beautiful,” he said in a voice that rang like metal. ‘I'l come find you later. As he disappeared into the Gents, I shrugged at the others. : “What the fuck!’ Mini screeched. * “You're beautiful, I'l find you later”!2" That's a classic. Your face Liv, you looked totally terrified! ‘No I didn’t’ I stated, truthfully, But she was already moving, pulling Grace by her dress to the front of the queue. i Puck this,’ she yelled, ousting a couple of girls from the front. They started to protest then fel silent in the face of her death stare. : Mini pushed Grace into one of the cubicles and stood Waiting for me to follow, before slamming the door and locking it 3 ‘Right,’ she said brightly. ‘Who's got the MD’‘T thought you said...’ Grace began quietly but Mini cut her off. ‘ ‘Well I've changed my fucking mind alright, Gracie? Is that allowed?” I pulled the baggy from my purse and opened it up. Neither of them had done this before, despite what Mini claimed, but I knew not to offer up advice. Not to Mini anyway. ‘Bit less,’ I muttered to Grace as she went for a dab. ‘Best to go in gently your first time.” Hooked at Mini as she took a massive pinch from the bag and sucked her finger greedily, only the slightest wince at the taste. Her eyes didn't leave mine. “Pussies,” she said, the trace of a smile playing at the corner of her mouth, then flounced out of the cubicle to the mirror, Mini, 1am He pushed me hard up against the cubicle door, holding my wrists. Transferring both to one hand above my head he traced slowly down my dress, pinching my nipple as he did. He kissed me then, hard, with too much tongue, but I couldn't move. I shifted my feet, trying not to unbal im Releasing my arms he used both hands to pull up my dress My arms floated down, I didn’t know what to do with them, and finally they settled on his shoulders, which were damp through the cashmere. He leaned into me, his thing hard against my thigh, and Iissed me again. His hand came up to my face and grasped. ‘my chin tightly, forcing my head up as he kissed slowly down my neck. His other hand crept towards my pants, trying to shove his hand down the front. Suddenly I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't move with him holding my chin back like this. T couldn't even sec his face. When he'd kissed me on the dance floor I'd realized that up close, his skin wasn't great, sinall pockmarks at the sides. His breath smelt like spirit Just enjoy it Mini I coaxed myself. ‘It’s meant to be fun ‘Think about being able to tell the girls afterwards.’ He'd reached inside my pants by then and was absentmindedly rubbing hard. But I was dry as a bone. What was wrong with me? I knew girls are meant to get wet at this point. I must be fucking deficient or something He wasn't deterred though, he was just rubbing back and forth, hard, too hard. It fucking hurt in fact. [tried to breathe, my hands still resting limply on his shoulders. And then he let go and relief spread quickly through me. But he was undoing, his jeans. “Come on baby, he purred, and his hand went to the top of my head, pushing gently and then more firmly down. 1 began to crouch, my legs juddering with the adrenaline. He ‘was getting his dick out. It was right there in front of me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. The cubicle began to swim as I felt myself retch. I'm sorry, I'm sorry’ I mumbled, ‘I don't feel well I fumbled with the lock, which finally sprang back, ‘atapulting me into the bathroom. I took three stumbling Steps and managed to stay on my feet. As I glanced into themirror opposite, he was still there, dick completely limp now in his hand, a look of utter astonishment on his face. My eyes were wild, pupils huge. My hair was a mess, and my make-up. ‘Stupid bitch,’ he spat, as he did up his trousers. Tlooked down at the sink, trying to figure out whether to stand my ground or run. I wasn't sure I could make my legs move, When I could finally look up again, he was gone. liv I was sat making bombs on the stairs. The MD was making the process seem really important and beautiful somehow. watched my fingers in awe as they expertly ripped the rizla, each dainty square allowed a tiny sprinkle, a delicate litle ‘twist of the paper and the little bundle of happiness sat pretty on my palm, Easier to take inside the club this way I swallowed two and put the rest in my trouser pocket, trying to work out how to make Grace catch on to what to do without making a tit of herself Just then Mr Abercrombie from before stormed out of the Ladies. He was doing up his jeans. Traised my eyebrows and smirked, covering my chest with my arms. He didn't deserve to look. He seemed a bit crazed, his breath coming out hard. He was sweating a litle. “Your friend is a fucking slag, a tease,’ he spluttered at ‘me, spit escaping his lips as he emphasized. ‘I think you might have contradicted yourself there,’ I 8 z feplied calmly: No one spoke about Mini like that, even if they had a point. You little girls, think you know it all don't you?” His voice was barely more than a whisper but it cut through the ppackground noise, making the hair on my arms stand up. "You're all clucless little cunts.” Theld in the urge to spit on his face. Instead I just stared expressionless, letting him watch my nonchalance. But as I ida tiny bead of sweat trickled down my forehead. [brushed Gt away slowly and carelessly. My legs began to shake. Hlis face was so close to mine, I could see the tiny spot sears on his cheeks, the plaque on his teeth. I leaned back dramatically and then jerked quickly forwards omitting the best fake sneeze I could muster, spitting on him. I covered my face in mock horror: ‘Shit! Sorry! Hay fever I guess!" Istarted to laugh, watching him as he shook his head in disgust and started back up the Stairs, muttering, I couldn't stop; I must have been more ® fiacked than I thought ‘After I'd calmed down Imade my way down to the Ladies. Mini was at the mirror frantically applying lip-gloss. There {as a small stain on her right thigh. ‘Hey babes,’ she quipped, her voice slightly wavery, but ot too bad. ‘Was just so totally naughty with that fit guy from before! You don't mind do you?” She turned to me then, her eyes a challenge. She must have heard what had happened outside. ‘Nah.’ I pasted a smile on my face. ‘Plenty of sausage in the butchers.” ‘Cool.’ She smiled then too, turning back to the glass. 9She did her mirror face, raising her eyebrows a little and pouting, then fingered through her hair. ‘There was a dodgy bit at the front which she expertly twisted behind another strand, ‘Right! Time for another drink, “Mini...” I started but she was walking past me. ‘Don't fucking whine, Liv! Come on, we're gonna have to find you a man if you want to keep up!” She grabbed my hand as she passed. She was cold, slightly clammy. ‘Here,’ I said, pulling one of the bombs out of my pocket, “take this. ICM... liven things up again Babe, you're a star’ She laughed, raising it to her mouth, then turned away from me and swallowed. But afterwards her hand dropped to her side, and the tiny parcel fell to the floor. I didn’t look at it, just followed her out Grace Mini and Liv appeared on the dance floor, their arms around each other: ‘Gracie!’ Mini yelled, waving me over to their spot. 1 joined in as they danced, Liv’s arms twisted around Mini's waist, their legs intertwined. Mini smiled, raising her arms into the air, I felt a familiar pang of jealousy as they danced closer and closer, giggling at each other. Liv leaned forward and kissed Mini on the lips, slowly Mini kissed back, her tongue darting into Liv’s mouth for a second. They 10 Dproke apart laughing like nutters, falling into each other ‘The guys around us were beginning to look and cheer Which was the point I suppose. Liv looked round and spotted me dancing on the spot. She pulled me closer and we danced all together, our arms around each other. Mini reached up with her camera and took a picture of us from above, and then one of our shoes, dancing together. They'd be up on Facebook tomorrow. $Naughty night out.’ or something similar. Liv broke apart and started pulling Mini’s hand. {want a fag!” she yelled and we followed her towards the smoking area. They held hands all the way. I followed behind. Mini The fresh air was good, clearing my head, and blowing laway the smell of the guy from before. I squeezed both the girls, happy to be altogether. ‘We need a plan for this summer,’ I said. Liv was lighting her fag but she raised her eyebrows ina question. ‘What kind of plan?’ Gracie asked, her face all earnest. We need some men!” : Liv spluttered. ‘Oh, no, no, no, I don't want a boyfriend! ‘Oh, come on you bitch! We're sixteen fucking years old! ‘Keep your voice down!’ Grace hissed, glancing at © the bouncers.“Ob, chill Gracie, for fuck’s sake! I just mean, it’s about time we had some hot men to take us out, pay for shit, treat us right, don’t you think?* ‘T don't need a boyftiend to keep me satisfied.’ Liv laughed. ‘Where’s the pleasure of shagging the same man all the time?” Grace giggled as if Liv had said something naughty. God that git is naive. 1 pouted. ‘Why are you being such a dick? Don't you think it would be fun? We could go out looking together maybe even go out with friends ... or brothers! Liv screeched. ‘Eewwwww, no fucking way! That's so weird! Ta like a guy to be with,’ Grace stated sweetly. ‘Someone who really understood me, who I could talk to like a friend, “See?” I said, turning back to Liv. ‘Grace is up for it. No excuses, This summer we're going to find boyftiends, It is Your mission. You have to do it Liy, you just have to!" Liv scowled and I glared at her: a warning, ‘Fine! Fine. Til do your silly little mission! Find a boyftiend, got it T whooped, throwing my arms around Liv. ‘It'll be so much fun, you have no idea! And a healthy bit of competition! You in, Gracie?” I looked over at her sharply “Yes!” she squeaked. ‘Of course I am!" T pulled the girls back towards the dance floor, ‘No time like the present. Grace Horfield Dance Studios, 7.45pm OWigher, Grace! You'll lose marks if it’s barely at forty-five gees! Hold it... hold it, Grace! I've never seen you ith you?” Reed was red in the face even though she hadn't Moved an inch this entire class, unless you count exercising her mouth Tm sorry, Miss Reed. I didn’t sleep very well last night. Lack of sleep is no excuse.’ Her eyes narrowed You're unlikely to sleep well the night before your Grade Eight examination next week are you, but we cannot et that Allect your performance, It wil bea travesty if you don't get the distinction grade you fully deserve, do you understand? {OF course, Miss Reed. I apologize. I'l do better.” ‘Well, cheer up. Just doing my job, darling” She was right. If I was going to achieve the excellence equired for the Grade 8 examination then I was going to Rave to stop going out with Mini and Liv. My head was 13swimming when I got up this morning and I looked just awful. I'm not entirely sure I could face that conversation with Mini though. It’s not like the nights out are exactly optional. Zayne stood in the corner waiting to rehearse the duet. If possible he looked more atrocious than me. His brown skin had a slight green tinge to it. I wonder what he’s been up to? I can’t sce him in Oceana like we were last night so it can’t be a hangover. He caught my eye then and his beautifial smile completely changed his face. Zayne is slim but muscular, years of ballet honing his body taut. His skin is this exquisite chestnut colour, his almond shaped eyes just a shade darker. I blush every time we do a lift, even though T've danced with so many other partners before. There’s something about his hands, they're almost too large for his petite frame. It feels like he can be touching so much more of your body with one hand than is str necessary. And the way he seems to be able to make eye contact with you during every lift it’s so reassuring. But right now he looked rough. There were dark shadows under his eyes and his hair looked greasy, which is odd for Zayne. Usually he smells like soap. “Maybe we should try the duet instead.’ Miss Reed's voice cut into my daydream. She'd obviously noticed where Iwas looking. God I really need to start concentrating! ‘Zayne! Sweetheart, look alive won't you? We have less than a week to get this girl ready for the exam and I know you care just as much as we do. So. Into position for the first lif, eyes to each other, remember the story behind this duet, you. must feel each other, feel the connection of your 4 ‘Phe corners of Zayne’s mouth were twitching as Miss Reed completed her speech, the tiny held-back smile making his eyes sparkle. He winked. One, two, three and clevate, two, three. Grace, neck Farther back, extend! Beautiful, eyes 10 each other, fel it > ree ry F Zayne has the ability to make you feel completely Sveightless, a feather to be placed in a delicate position, ‘Layne? Zayne are you all right? You don’t look well. Bring aig je Ther down, bring her down!” Once again Miss Reed's voice fut through my little moment, and as it did I felt Zayne’s Thhand slip underneath my thigh, throwing the balance eompletely off: He just seemed to crumble, his usually steady hhands simply letting go of me. I threw my arms out wide tying to regain my balance and managed to land on my feet, re Jarring my ankle a tiny bit. ‘Oh, Christ!” I heard Miss Reed exclaim, and when I Tooked round, Zayne was on the floor, his eyes shut tight, and his skin almost chalk white. Terouched over him, watching his face as he opened his yes. There was a moment of confusion there before he Tealised what had happened. ‘Shit. I'm so so sorry Grace, did you fall? Did you Thurt yourself?” Zayne started sitting up. Instinctively I put, My arms out to help him, feeling the taut muscles in hisZayne finally looked normal, his face creasing as he smiled. ‘Let’s get out of here for a minute. Ineed some air? ‘IE you must know it's Ramadan . .. I didn’t manage to eat before sunrise this morning, my blood sugar obviously got really low and I fainted, like people do when they don't eat all day. It’s just one of those things.’ Zayne crossed his arms around himself, shivering slightly. ‘We were sat on the bench outside the dance studio. The air had started to cool down quite a lot and I was wearing his jacket. It smelt like cigarettes and his deodorant. 1 honestly didn’t know what to say to this. I mean, not eating all day just seemed completely unnecessary t me, nut how does one say such a thing when it’s quite clear you have absolutely no knowledge of the religion? I knew Zayne’s family was Muslim, but what that actually entailed beyond the stupid stereotypes in my head, I had no idea. “Could you maybe tell your parents you're struggling with the whole fasting thing? I mean . . i's optional, right? Its not as if you stop being a Mustim just because you don't fast during Ramadan, Or am I getting it wrong?” Zayne’s face was darkening, I was obviously saying completely the wrong thing. *Grace, you don’t understand. Fainting today would just be another example of my lack of strength. Do you know how long it took me to be able to tell my parents I wanted to dance? And not just dance but ballet dance? In their heads that’s on a par with cutting off your balls and living as a woman. I'm not who they want me to be, But do you know 16 42 Afier a while they let me, obviously knowing that it making me miserable not to dance.’ © Well... It sounds like they're actually supportive, want ju to be happy” ‘They do, they really do. Mum even came to my last al. She didn’t quite have the words to say it but I could she was proud. So, what makes you think they're disappointed in you? gyone can see you're a wonderful dancer.’ \ {{ make up for the dancing by being a good Muslim here else. I go to Mosque, I follow the sentiments Ramadan to the letter, more so than any of the other my age. Now when my parents speak to relatives i friends, it’s my religious piety they can talk about, and hot the fact that I wear tights and touch girls when doing Tunderstand. I think. ‘The sun was beginning to set, one of those beautiful Summer sunscts when the sky looks like someone’s having snly wondered if I should lean forward and kiss him, Ist gently, just for a second. My body felt like it was being ed towards him. I was already leaning forward when stood up quickly [should go, it’s getting a bit late’ “Zayne its only nine. Why don’t we go somewhere? I aplace.’ Tyas speaking too fast but I knew if he walked away that ment he'd be gone, and this evening would forever remain Wthe one where he fainted and I tried to kiss him. “Come on. It won’t be a late one, I promise.’ I smilec then, trying to keep any trace of weirdness out of my face. He looked straight at me for a couple of seconds then returned my smile himself; draping his arm over iy shoulder and giving me a quick, dry peck on the forehead, ‘OK, then. Why not His arm was making it difficult to walk properly but I didn't care, The place where he had kissed my head stung a little as we heacled down the hil We sat in one of those weird chain pubs across from each other nursing our Cokes. It was sort of awkward. I think he was embarrassed at how much he'd let out earlier Plus, fainting in front of someone is never going to be anyone's favourite thing. He met my eye for a second and smiled shyly before looking away. I suddenly realized we'd Probably never been together out of the dance studio before. We'd certainly never been for a meal ‘So, shall I go get us a menu from the bar?” he asked, I nodded a bit too enthusiastically, cursing myself as he got up. T watched him go. He looked like all dancers look when they walk: poised, lyricism even in the movement of going from A to B. He held his arms a litle too stil, his hands delicately placed as if he was about to raise them above bis head into positon, He was so beautiful. His deep skin such a lovely contrast against his white shirts Zayne Fuck. I wanted to tell her, I really did. She's the frst person ve ever actually imagined speaking the words to Tied it ‘out in my head now as I walked to the bar: ‘Fin gay Grace, io one inows and I'd appreciate it if we kept it that way. Foe tried Dio deny it but 1 think Fm ready to acept it about myself. I was born : I hagnet the initial shock on her face, and then That beautiful smile rearranging her features. “That's fine Zayn, she would say: “You're my frend and it docs IE you've gay’ Thats what she would say, Pon sure of it. Cee She's a bit old-school, Grace, but she’s not a prude nd from our conversation earlier I can tell she really cares Twas definitely going to tell her Tstood at the bar and looked up and down for some hens. I noticed a guy standing a little way down from me SRE a front of him and edged towards him. “Are you using that?” I asked, gesturing. BR at all, help yourself?-he said, holding it up for - ime. Our fingers touched as he passed it over. I looked up Bint his face. He was smiling as he held on to the menu, © teasing me slightly: DWhar’s your name?” he asked, still smiling BE don't know why but T couldn't stop smiling back. It Bas just, no one had ever assumed my sexuality and got “it Might before. This guy was flirting with me, I could feelit. T wondered whether it was the decision to tell Grace which had changed my demeanour somehow ‘And someone’s waiting for me.” ” He was still smiling ‘P'm over there with some friends if you fancy a drink later” His voice was smooth but not sleazy, he seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. He touched my hip once, gently, a promise of something, Tnodded and turned away, this goofy grin still plastered on my face, Grace was watching from the table, a look of complete and utter horror on her face, her mouth gaping, I saw the realization in her features as she continued tc stare, dumbstruck, ‘Grace’ Ibegan, but she was already struggling up from her seat. T... sorry ©. I just suddenly remembered ...um ...1 told Mini Td meet her somewhere and I'm completely late... I'm so sorry, I'm going to have to rush off!” She wouldn’t meet my eye, Fuck. This is what I was terrified of People realizing and thinking I must be a completely different person, think that I'd been lying to them, I could sec it in her face, she was hurt. Suddenly 1 didn’t have the energy to fix this. If even Grace didn't want to know me asa gay man then I was doomed. ‘OK....fine.’ I looked down at the table, watching her gather up her things, hurrying to get the fuck away from me. ‘Tm really sorry, she called over her shoulder as she rushed out, still not meeting my eye. T stood there, a feeling of the world having caved in 20 jing over me. But underneath that, just a tiny bit exhilaration. Twent to find the guy from the barAlo The Creevey Farm, 5.30pm ‘Aloysius, the longer you put this off, the worse it will be for you. Trust me.” She spoke the last two words like she was delivering a prison term —like, you did the crime now you do the time sort of thing. Mumgabe, She is a force to be reckoned with. ‘She's right, you know,’ Rich chipped in, helpful as always. Tkicked him hard under the table. : ‘But Mum, I can already drive a tractor ~ Dad showed me how last year” “You need a licence.’ ‘No, I don't! ‘If you answer back once more you'll be out on your ear with your arse flapping to the wind, do you understand?” ‘Fine! Fine Mum, Jesus, chill out! ‘Anyone else your age would be over the moon to have an agricultural motor licence.’ ‘Tm sure they would,’ I said, rolling my eyes at Rich over her head. es ‘Bapecially as it means you can drive on roads if you're der seventeen ~ as long as it's deemed a farm vehicle on business What?!’ me and Rich said together. You knew that, Alo” No, I bloody didn’t!” Well, I've told you cnough times! Honestly, anyone ould think you were deaf One of these days you're going realize that listening to me might not be such a bad idea bce in while, I mean, I have lived a good deal longer than Hou, and I have picked up a few things in my time, so really jere’s no excuse for...” D1 faded out whatever Mum was saying and glanced "excitedly at Rich who mouthed ‘van’ back at me. I nodded. *When did you say the test was Mum?” I broke her off Mmiid-specch. She stopped, flustered, and the tiniest hint of a played at the corner of her mouth. *So you're going to take it then?” “OF course I am! Really important for me to be able to ve the necessary vehicles isn’t it, for helping on the f eall that, Pd be stupid not to take it? Smooth,’ Rich muttered under his breath. Well, yes love, you would. I'm glad you've come to your . Tye booked you in for tomorrow afternoon. The test i only with Mr Smith so there’s not much to worry about. utd get practising now if I were you.’ Tsat in silence NOW, Alo” Tmade a dash for it as she swiped at my head with the pan ‘was holding, Experience told me she wasn't afraid to land 23a shot like that, and that she'd missed on purpose because she was only a little bit cross. Hanging around any longe ‘would soon change that situation. I stared down at the controls on Dad’s big red tractor. His Pride and joy. Rich and I had unfortunately failed to detach the fuck-off trailer that was attached to the back of it, but no bother. I was going to smash this test If I could just remember which knobby thing did what. I had managed to switch the engine on, but how did you make the fucker go? ‘Still nothing?” Rich asked from down on the ground. ‘Never thought Td say this but I'm starting to think my ‘mum has a point on this one” ‘Sacrilege!” ‘Tknow!” I pulled one of the knobs towards me hopefully. The engine spluttered and died. ‘Well, this is a fascinating way to spend the afternoon I must say, drawled Rich. ‘Shut up! Pl get it in a minute, 1 jerked the knobs back in fury, and by some miracle, the tractor lurched forward slowly, making me the ultimate hero. ‘Abbhhhh, eat shit Richard! I am invincible! I am a genius!” I stood up on my seat and saluted my imaginary crowd. Rich actually allowed himself a small chuckle from behind me. I turned towards him and... shit. I fell off the fucking tractor. For a few seconds I just lay there stunned and winded 24 the ground. I mean, how the hell does someone actually cessfully fall out of a tractor? I really was quite xceptional, Beating tractor that was heading for the main road at a dy speed. It scemed to be running better than when I wasMini ‘St James Barton Roundabout, Midnight Looks like hard work Turned to locate the voice. He was driving alongside me in one of those ridiculous cars, all shiny and slick. Not red though thank God. Black and classy It totally suited him, He was all shiny and sick too, wearing a beautiful suit, the collar open just a litle, the tie pulled down like James Bone!’ aes he's been running around or whatever. Well, maybe a slighty older, retired James Bond, He smiled at me, a million-dola smile ~ but it was kind of sad, you know? Like he'd just had some bad news or something ‘Hard work?” he said again, looking down at my stupidly high shoes, He was right, they were practically impossibl to walk in, but if Kristen ‘ooks a bit like a dyke’ Stewart ¢an pull them off then someone like me shouldn't have any problems T flashed him a smile back, wondering if this was creepy If Lwas wrong to feel sae. ean deal. J turned back to the pavement and put a little extra le into my walk, making him watch. The car pulled dy along beside me Not that I'm saying you don’t look good, but you're about jt Stokes Croft and it’s a stupid place for a git like you to through this late, Let me give you a lift. turned back to face him, but kept walking, Right. And getting into a strange bloke’s car... That ldn’t be stupid at all?” "He chuckled. He had this really nice husky laugh, like he'd | you know? ‘My name’s Jack. I have a daughter about your age. if my Josie was about to walk through Stokes Croft Fthis time, I'd be hoping somenne would be nice enough rive her home. Thet he'd used that fucking line before. Classic. "Seriously, I'm fine, I only live round the corner.’ I tried Make my voice light ~ not flirtatious or scared, which Vt, strangely. But even I'm not stupid enough to go for this. He didn’t answer, just rewed the engine and drove past ppulling in to the side of the road and getting out. He was hot like in a hench way, just like, you could imagine him. ing able to pull you from a burning building if you know it Tmean. He walked back towards me and I wondered if Was when I was supposed to run, But it didn’t feel like fat all. I got no twisted vibes off him. whatsoever. And {this sounds totally fucking retarded, but Thad this sudden of him lifting me up and carrying me to his car, like you're little and fall asleep on a journey.He stopped in front of me and raised his arm to the oncoming traffic, expertly hailing a taxi that stopped righ beside me. He passed a fifty-pound note to the driver ~ a fifty and turned back towards me. He smiled and opened th door, putting one hand on the small of my back and herding ‘me into the cab, 4 His hand was firm, just making sure I was all right getting in the car. Not like he was trying to cop a feel or anything He slammed the door and tapped the taxi on the roof making the driver pull away ‘Wait! I yelled, scrabbling to wind down the window. ‘Just get home safe sweetheart, OK?’ he yelled as we pulled away, raising one hand in a formal wave. “Thank yout” I yelled back pathetically felt like a tittle gir Nick Bristol Blue Cotts Training Ground, 6.30pm thought of it himself, his little head working overtime to {See a break in the line. The ball was offloaded to him and he Wied to dummy exactly the way I knew he would. It made it at much easier to take the loser down, to the ground where he belonged. Douche. The ball was turned over and I raced back up, watching Josh toss his head like he’s a fucking male mode! or something. TBut T have to hand it to him, he’s good on the field and we Reed that sort of strength, that sort of determination to win if We're going to be the best Junior Club side in Bristol. BMG reeds strength, only a winning attitude creates a hat’s what my dad had always told me and BYS starting to work out. It’s true. Act like you know what Hourre doing and you will, act like a leader and people will Sbllow. And I have to admit, its been easier to lead with my brother out of the picture. T sped up, liking the way my body responded to. my 29will, how fucking quick I was these days. I was almos level with Josh who had put in some pretty sick steps, but the defence was closing in on him now and he needect to move, I looked in front of me and realized I wasn't being marked — fucking retards, quite clearly I'm the mos dangerous machine on this pitch and they weren't ever marking me. ‘Jesh! T yelled, pulling into position. His eyes flicked a tiny bit back and I saw him hesitate before he offloaded the ball unwilling to give up his litte moment. That guy has got some ego on him, but in a good way you know? Like, we're winners S0 we have to act like winners. In any case he knew when to pass the ball and the opening was clear in front of me, It wa an easy run to the line and Thad time to place the ball earefilly between the posts. I tuned around for the best bit, Is times like these I kind of wish I played football so I could do one of those celebration runs they do after scoring, In rugby you have to be content with a smile and a few pats on the back. I make sure my smile is sexy, and those football pricks arc pussies anyway, “So, I get all the way down there ~ being totally fucking nicc and everything, I mean, it’s not like the most thrilling thing | could be doing with my time, right? I only give head to gc head if you know what I mean,” ‘There were laughs around the showers. Josh was telling the most recent of his fuck stories. No doubt it would end ir a threesome or doing her in the ass ~ that’s pretty much how his stories usually end. ‘And she’s all like, “Wait wait, you can’t. ..”* He does this 30 fait piss himself. Gin a high voice, miming a girl covering her bits, making d so I was all like, “What the fuck’s the sm?” And she was all like, “I'm shy, I don’t know if T mt you to see me!” ‘ SOuch, that’s brutal clunge politics man, gutted!" Matt fs from the corner. ‘Was she deformed or something? Hican tell the story is not going how Josh planned it, with giving his litle asides, But that’s banter isn’t it, just ye to roll with it Iwas sweet as. Just obviously a bit weird. But get this because she’s all messed up about me seeing her pussy, she gstwwent down on me all night. I swear to God my balls were this morning. I've been sucked dry, literally! I have ‘with everyone else. Josh was the best fly half Junior in ol, and he knew how to get girls when the rest of us were bling around for them. He was an asset to the team. I's Ta convinced him to come to Roundview too in Packing perfect night, mate, you have no idea.’ “Sounds to me like you haven't got laid, Josh. Sure it was {gil and not a malfunction of your dick that caused this, night?” The guys laughed as Josh sprinted naked over to Matt, fully swiping him with a towel. I turned back into the Beker room, bored. Td heard this conversation so many es. If it was al lis then it was getting really old. If it was he truth then I was seriously behind in terms of sexual 31experience, and as the leader of the team and, let’s be hones the best-looking one here, I didn’t want that fact becomin Public knowledge any time soon. “Ca Pi Taine! What's bouncing tonight then, bro Sam was behind me jumping around doing his stupid little dance. The boys were already calling me Captain, even though we hadn't started college yet. It figures, I'd captained every school and club team my brother hadn't been on since year Seven. Sam literally looked like a little Puppy waiting to be taken out for his walk. ‘Well, its victory night my man, which means . ..” ‘Sweet! P'llJet the boys know.” He rushed off, as if going to the local after a match wasn't what we did every Saturday. The same group of girls would be there, and so fanny roulette would begin. You had to try and keep a hold of who was with who and who had got with ‘who ete, but it was an unspoken rule ~ pretty much anyone was fair game if you were genuinely in there, sisters being Pethaps the only exception. I pulled on my clothes and headed out. I knew Dad would be waiting. “Great game son, really did yourself proud, completely minced that bunch of bell-ends!’ Dad looked genuinely pleased, but just as I started to reply his hand went up in front of my face and he touched the little Bluetooth headset in his ear. “Yes? Colin? Not a great time mate... understand Well, did she say where she was going? ... Trust me, th sounds very much like she’s just gone to one of her girlfriends to moan about you and get drunk... swear, no 32 Gheck her email while she’s out to be safe but then Jeave her to it. If she smells like sex when she comes, ., chuck her out and call me pronto, got it? Perfect, ip, OK, Colin? No woman wants another pussy when already have one. OK, bye. He turned back to me, y night, eh? Fancy some food back *Phink we're heading straight out actually Dad, got my ger in my bag and everything.” He looked hurt for a small second but recovered quickly. P Well, wouldn't want to keep you from your boys’ night ay, I know the drill. Don’t do anything I wouldn't.’ He mckled citi: See you later then.’ I clapped him on the back, hoping fd have something to do with himself, and turned back ds the locker room. I could hear the boys singing, ‘causing a scene, and having a laugh’, our unofficial tune, Right, time for my game-face. There was a on I was the Ca Pi Taine off the field as well as on. thas taught me that you get out of life what you putin. }F'm going to put in everything I can and watch success Fhe back at me. I's already working quite well. 'm fit— its le. Girls like me and want me. I'm the captain of Pugby tcam. I commit to every pass, every point, and 'm Wed for it. My dad, teachers, girls — they all think I'm g. And Iam §S0 why the fuck can't I get my dick hard? .Tes a good dick, it’s served me well over the years, We shaped, decent size, no weird bends or veins or anything lik that. Fucking irony is when I'm on my own, the slightes thought can have me like a ramrod, straight as an arroy fucking pulsating But tonight at the pub things have gon. seriously West. Itwas an ‘anything but clothes’ night so all ¢h girls were dressed in bin liners and sheets, expertly stapled or cellotaped into mini dresses and tiny togas. Josh calls it “casy access night’, an opportunity not to be missed. Ruby Marzden had spent the whole night ‘accidentally losing a boob, and seemed to find my face every time she did it. I took her to the back of the beer garden, already a bit hard just looking at her. Long slim legs, good tits. The kind o' Birl the guys would go mad about when they heard I'd tapped that. She was kind of bucking on my leg, her breath all short and pufly like they do, you know? When they want it. Well that’s what Josh always says. But then all of a sudden, she was reaching down my ‘rousers and it was game over. I was having a system failurc ‘She was pawing around at the top of my jeans, obviously thinking she'd find me hard there, poking out the top. Little did she know my dick felt like it was shrinking ever smaller, nestled down the left leg. As she started to grope farther down, horror took over as I thought about what it’ be like to be caught with a limp dick and I pulled sharply away. Heer face, when she surfaced from her haze, was one of pure horror. “What the fuck?" she managed. ‘What did I do?” Her hands were raised in front of her as if she'd stabbed me and was ready to pressurize the wound, 34 Bs it the cold sore?” she asked, her voice a bit shaky now, Pithen her eyes began to fill up. ick! Why do girls have to do this? Now she thinks I'm pna go back to my mates and tell them she’s disgusting, so ng that I lost my erection. And in fact, that’s probably at [ will do, just in case she starts telling people the truth. always think it's their fault, these girls. But having them that is much easier than actually admitting why you Ht fuck a girl Easier to say she’s frigid or deformed or than that your dick betrayed you, that you're deficient, ing pussy Ick wn the path past her friend, who followed in after shooting me a look. I fucking envy girls for that fl these BFFs who are instantly there and not judgmental Bd help you out. Ruby Marzden would now be able to pur her heart out to her best mate who would reassure and fall the right crap about her being gorgeous etc. Even if fe was secretly pleased that the Nickatron hadn't found her tive enough to fuck her. It meant maybe she was in a chance herself: On the other hand, all I hiad to do is join back in with the rugby boys who clapped me on the Back saying shit like, “Fast work my man,’ and ‘Hahaha, smell fingers!” banter. Yeah, she was a quicker fuck than your mum, easier when, don't have to find her hole through the rolls of fat!” Pd Joining in again. IKEN!” to see what they would do. | Tewould be the end, the absolute fucking end.Tlooked down atthe light blue linoleum and noticed a particularly rank Looking puddle jus in front of my face. A long pubic hair was resting on the top. The floor smelt like piss and puke. Ske lifted my head by my hair cand slammed it again on to the floor tried to keep breathing, knox ‘that sooner or later she would stop. Her litle sidekick was sitting across my back, paning my arms with her legs ‘Bou try and come on toa fiend of ours again, anal FU make sure te test of the world knows about your twisted litle problem,’ she snarl ven then her voice came out like honey, lilting and deadly. Ena was stood against the sinks cringing her hands. ‘T think you should stop now Riga, maybe I got it wrong, maybe I twas thinking of someone els.’ Her voice was wheeling and pit Thated her even more than Riga in that moment. A week afer we frst spoke om the bus that morning, Ema had fo her way into the security of Riga’s group, even started dressing like th She'd obviously cworked her way out of being seen wvith me by saying been coming on to her. And now Iwas paying the price Riga snorted at Emma’s remark “There's no need to stick up for her Ems, she knozs exactly what sh doing. Tying to queer every girin this school, or draco. them into her lit agina-less world. You know she hasn't got one right? It’s bare down here, lke a fucking Ken doll” looked up an inch and saw Emma staring atthe floor. She caught 36 Hyer a millisecond. Ske loked scared and ashamed. byou,” I mouthed at her, and she flinched. keep oud of our fucking way, do you understand, freak?” ontinued, but I could tell she was getting bored, not being quite Bi give an adequate explanation for what she actually took issue Was her problem that I didn't lok lke a girl? Or that she thought Ggay? Or just that she couldn't quite work me cut? T don’ think herself. a suddenly bolted, flinging the toilet door open hard as she The pressure on my back eased and Riga gave me a quick kick measure before they ran out after he, shouting, “Ems you ing dick! Chill May still in the same position for a fw seconds, watching the pube (puddle, waiting for my heart rate to go down a bit. Boentually 1 Bemyself up and went tothe mirror. The bridge of my nose wens red ould probably go purple and yellow over the next few days. Riga r It would only be noticeable if you looked really closely at my Prot something many people did. In. fat, it was a similar colour and tthe mark I'd seen om Riga’s own fce lat week, careilly bul not ly covered up with concealer d my head to look at my har. It was all clumped together at unre I'd been lying in the wet patches. Behind, it looked like backcombed from where Riga had been using it as a handle Mica, I put my fingers through it, to pull it out of my face, but ridiculous. 1 pulled my craft scissors out of my rucksack id’ think, just cut. Feried a litle, an indulgence I dot usually Insel, and the tars mingled with my hair making it slghlly Wo cut through. 1 didn't look in the mirror in front of me, Pett cohatever T could fil. It flt good, like shedding my skin, Bt punislonen, like « release, I was geting quite worked up, 37shouting alte and really hacking va. A fist year came through the door and stoped in her tacks she sao me. “Bool” I shouted, and she bolted witha lite squeak. I looked ba. the mirror and ratized iw. My face was bright red and puff around the ees, matching nicely with the red mark across my nose. Pd snoted last al the way to my chin and my lips cere chapped and being sight. And my hai Well. Ixas certainly different Mini Mini's House, 9.30pm to God I thought that a run, a class at the gym, a Jook round the shops, a leg-wax and walking back from n would fill the day. But here I am, nine bloody thirty at i and bored as hell. TF that wasn’t bad enough, my retard of a mother s it in her head that we should be doing one of her gay bihier-daughter evenings. It was the sort of bullshit | used to Swhen I was, like, ten! She usually gets herself in a botde wine and a chick-flick and then hauls out her home ture set, complete with one of those tacky foot spas and BSS we get into our PJs and do each other's face packs. I B, Jesus, its like living in pre-teen magazine sometimes! You can absolutely, definitely tell that you've lost weight 5 seriously. I mean, I would only say this as your mother, IE was right up in my face, layering on one of those face packs that was already starting to itch. Her breath 39smelt like white wine and fags. She looked at me then, ‘You're so pretty!” Her tone was sweet enough but her face stayed frozen stiff, like I'd pissed her off somehow. ‘What are we going to do with little old me then? she squeaked, jumping to her feet and striking a pose. She lific her top, sucking in her stomach and hoisted her boobs with her hands. ‘Reckon Mummy's still got it?” Definit » you look great,’ I deadpanned. ‘Not bad for a single mother. Pm actually glad I had you quite young now, it means I can still be hot when you're all grown up. Hey, we could even go on double dates!” I wrinkled my nose. ‘Te’s not that weird! Me and you, well, we've always been more like sisters than mother and daughter haven't we? Always there to tell each other when we've made a fashion faux pas or when the guy we've got a crush on turns out to be a dickhead! You're better at it than me now!” ‘She fell back into the sofa, expertly holding her wine glass above her head so as not to spill any. ‘So, tell me all about last night?" “Totally amazing night.’ I hoped my tone matched my words. ‘Blokes were all over us.” As the words left my mouth felt like 14 let myself down. ‘Tshould bloody think so! Amazing girls like you. I bet it ‘was you getting most of the attention though, right?” ‘There it was again, that weird frozen face thing, It’s like she wants to know every single, fucking detail. She reminds me of those girls in Year Seven who would make you rela every detail of a sleepover they weren't invited to. Like hearing about it from someone else was like some shitty 40 ensation for not being there yourself, I always ended up king some stuff up, just to see them really squirm, gt Mum’s old! Still fucking desperate, too. She’s always fing herself around in that sad-act salsa class she goes to ght. She brings someone home from that all the time. First there was Pete, the slipper-wearing ring alcoholic, then that fat postman who gave her a ) Ghost, Beaches or this one where this guy allegedly gets, feock out!” Smiled tightly. I could handle her in small doses. But f’s starting to feel like there’s an agenda with everything Bs, like she’s trying to compete with me or something. Hidinow, when a guy comes back, she like, presents him to me, @ a cat with a rat. was struggling to get Ghost out of its case, on all fours Daring her gusset in front of me when somewhere in Sod took pity and made the doorbell ring get it” I scrambled up from the sofa A it’s that guy from Bedminster with the funny hair tell Byou can’t win ‘em all, especially when I'm the prize!” She‘T did, but it’s all gone massively horrible, Mins. ( Tcome in? Her eyes were all starey; like when you've been trying hold in crying but its about to get the better of you. ‘Sure sweets, come on, let’s go to my room,’ ‘Who is it Mins? The film’s about to start!” Mum was probably busy arranging herself on the sofa in case it was one of her men coming in to say hello. ‘Tes only Grace, Mum, we're going to my room, OK: “Come in here! We can all do girly time together: Tsearched quickly for an excuse Grace just came on unexpectedly Mum, we need to go sort it out.” “Mini, my menstrual cycle isn’t due for two weeks Grace hissed in my ear but I was already laughing, pulling her up the stairs behind me. Things always seem bette when Grace is around, She’s so hopeless it makes me feel totally together. I pushed her into my room and she sat on the bed, fiddling with the little tassels on one of my cushions ‘OK, spill. ‘Te’s nothing really.” ‘Grace, you look like shit, just spill!” She looked up, tears starting for real now. She looks really pretty when she cries, like one of those old school paintings We saw on a school trip to the Louvre, ‘Tes just, the last few days I've just... P'm just... Pm so tired of not having anyone,’ she choked out, the crying making her voice all high and whiney. ‘What are you talking about, babe? You've got loads of people, Me and Liv for a start 2 mow I know, and I really love that Mins, honestly I do. ‘you know, with boys and stuff: Don't you ever feel things would be so much better in your life, if you wanted to be with you all the time, and thought autiful?” made this speech to my bed sheets, still fiddling with eushion. eets, I totally get that, but you've got to remember, # so much more important things at the moment. Like, fact that you're gorgeous and loads of guys were checking Lin Oceana the other night” ally?” She lifted her face then, looking for a lie in matures. Sometimes she’s just like a little puppy that a cuddle. Bially! I mean, no offence but do you really think T would jout with munters? You're beautiful, and fun and loyal ly. OK bitch?” ‘was smiling now, laughing a bit through her tears, here you weird little thing” I pulled her into a Bad she clutched on to me. I hoped she wasn’t getting is fon my top. @ who's the guy then?” jat? Who?” she scrambled, trying to feign ignorance. the one who's made you feel like shit. I'll cut his balls off him eat them himself” Mh no, he’s done nothing wrong at all, it’s all me. He’s @t and lovely and perfect and, from what I can gather, ertainly a homosexual.” 43‘Bummer’ ‘Trust Gracie to fall for a homo. That's so completely character: Poor litle girl needs to be led through everything at the moment. It’s lucky really that she found me and Liv ‘Right missus, what you needs to go out and score yourself some tongue-on-floor looks, itll totally sort you out.’ ‘No Mins, I really don't feel like ‘No arguments! I'm gonna make you over and when I'm finished, you'll feel so good about yourself, that silly ring rammer will be histo I skipped over to my wardrobe where everything was arranged by outfit, complete with celeb pictures of who the outfit was inspired by. Which one for my little Gracie? Not sure she could handle the Cheryl Cole ensemble, plus T haven't even had a chance to wear it yet. The Charlotte Ghurch, perfect. Bit sexy, but nothing virginal Graci can't handle “Mins, I don't usually war things that show “Shut up you silly cow: This'll look amazing on you!” pulled her up off the bed, quickly stripping off her virgin leggings and ‘T-shirt and shoved the halter-neck over her head. ‘You'll need to take your bra off I said Yanking her hair out, I pulled it down over her face grabbed some products off the shelf and got to work. The challenge was to make her look better than she'd ever looked before, give her her confidence back. But also to make sure she didn’t outstrip me. It was time for the Cheryl outfit (0 make its debut. There’s a house party tonight in St Andrews, some ” 1m from my old school, and we're going’ ins its already ten, my dad will want me home . HS make something up, this is important.” Spun her round and held her in front of the mirror. BO!" she breathed, trying to pull the top down and the ‘up. ‘I look Fucking amazing of course.Alo Rich's House, 8.30pm T rang the doorbell which Rich’s dad miraculou over the music : ‘Alo! Great to see you mate, how did it go?” “Good thanks, I passed? “Thats fantastic news!’ He turned towards the stair ‘Richard! Get down here, Alo hereto see you! Rich appeared at the top of the stairs and walked slowly ddown towards me, stopping about half way. ‘Please don’t tell me those idiots genuinely felt you capable of being on the roads?” ‘Indeed they did s “Tin are a licensed farm vehicle driver?” T held up the piece of paper, ‘Read it and weep my friend? Rich stared at me sardonically. Then slowly began to smile a litle, his growing enthusiasm getting me going again, ‘Where's the van?” ‘Athome? that’s a matter of opinion. Its if I attach some sort peing device to the back.’ at the fuck’s a hocing device?” No idea mate. Something to make me look like T give a pabout farming,” : you do know that you're only meant to drive it on the around the farm? , completely subjective. Does “around” literally ext door? Or could it more likely mean a ten- eradius?” You're an idiot Alo.” Esmiled broadly. Nothing was going to spoil this for me. fhat may be so Richard, but Tam an idiot with a van and ewhat precarious excuse to drive it. Are you in or are Ys dad piped in then, ever the good guy. fant me to drop you off at Alo’s so you can go for Rich The Van, Central Bristol, 10pm around Bristol at ten at night is like entering the Security unit of a prison for the mentally retarded. there Took are girls dressed like porno stars, tottering. 7around in cheap heels with their cheap faces, desperate hoping they look like Ke$ha but actually looking like Britney Spears in the middle of her breakdown, The worst is they've had a few and they catch their heel on the pavement while they walk and it makes that sound. That’s the sound of commercial girls at their worst. It’s a sound which makes 1 understand those teenage shooters in America, because nc only do the fucking sheep walk around looking like sluttec!-up clones, but they're pleased about it. They genuinely belie that there is some great sense of suecess to be had by looking like everyone else, getting off your tits and getting felt up by some random who you won't be able to pick out of a line-up afterwards because they All, Look. The. Fucking. Same Td been trying to explain these sentiments 17 Alo, bu there was no talking him down off the cloud of passing the driving test, or the fact that we were in the middle of whe clone-ville and he had some wheels, a fact he genuincly believed guaranteed his dick seeing imminent action. If he makes me get out of the van into the cesspit of central Bristol on a Saturday night, I think I may have to vomit in his face until he lets me off ‘So, where shall we go my esteemed guest? The world is our oyster.” He really was into this. I hadn't seen him this happy in weeks, not since he'd been having to work on the farm after we'd finished exams and his dad gave him his reward. When his dad brought out the van I thought ke was going to faint. have to admit, even /like the van. In here, we're safe from th guys who think the way I dress is all the excuse needed (0 start on me. Not that I'm scared, I just don't do brain-dead 48 tation quite as well as them. the Keller?’ I asked hopefully, suggesting the least Fine. Thav’s just fine. If you want to prostrate yourself find to girls who, le’s be honest mate, see you as some Pmiboy loser that they'd get with only in the event of a ar attack and possibly not even then, then that’s fine. Bit harsh, mate KSorry. You're not that bad, J know that. It’s just less fous to girls who've been taught to look for perma tans [shirts when they consider guys.” ja, We'd be better off at a house party don’t you @ 1 swear that guy from school said he was having one remember Keyon?” Phe posh boy who wants to be poor?” That's the one. He’s squatting now in St Werburghs with Me of the other hippies. We should go.” fine, but first sign of actual taunting or generic insults Tm out, OK: Done! started to sing then, one of his stupid made-up songs Bout getting some. I wanted to hate it, but I didn’t. He makes Blauigh. I caught myself start singing along to the chorus the turned to me smiling like an idiot, raising his voice. 1 pretty quicklyGrace St Werburghs, 10.30pm We walked along the street following the music we could as soon as we got out of the taxi. I felt so self-conscious in my ‘outfit, just like the time I'd turned up at a tenth birthday party in a party dress and everyone else was in jeans. But Mini knows I suppose. She never has a problem getting male attention, and while I'd rather not start getting with guys in club toilets, getting noticed is the first step to getting someone to like you, isn’t it? But Zayne has seen me without make-up, sweaty afier Practice, and he’s the first person who seemed actually interested in me, But for God’s sake Grace he’s ¢: No, Mini’s right, one has to make the effort if you want (0 get noticed. ‘T think it must be round here somewhere,’ said Mini teetering a little on her amazingly high shoes. ‘Oh here, I see it, Fuck me what a dump!" I followed her gaze to the house where the music was coming from. I knew Keyon was squatting now, even thoug) 50 erfecily nice parents lived just up the road in Clifton. 1 jeach to their own, but Mini was right: this place did Tike a dump. ng the doorbell then,’ I urged Mini. Sim, I really don’t think it’s that sort of place Gracie.” pushed open the front door and a huge plume of poured out. They must have been hot-boxing the for hours. , Fm not sure about this. Jon't be so boring Gracie, come on.’ And she dragged inside, turning right into the living room where a ‘of people were sat in a circle simultaneously doing ing gas balloons. We stood transfixed for a moment, shing them blow in and out, inand out in unison. Suddenly Of them broke off, catching each other's eyes across the and bursting into hysterical laughter, It was surreal. i¢ single person was dressed up, let alone heels. I felt s. This wasn't me. front of us, his deflated balloon still in his hand. girls, we went to school together right?” He was iG at Mini. ‘Looking very sharp! fea, well, we came straight from this other thing, a party bar Mini quickly improvised, nudging me. fel, come on in and take a seat. Welcome to the “Lost lence, where people are free to be what they want, the crowd. found a spot in the circle to sit down and Mini pulled Erlittle vodka bottle. Ttook a quick swig to steady myself.Tcould feel the girl next to me smiling broadly at the sicc of my face and I turned to look at her, ‘Hello.’ My voice came out all singsong and she copied my greeting back, but it wasn’t done in a mocking way: she looked genuinely pleased to meet me. ‘T'm Skylar, I think I know you?” “Maybe, I...” fou’re the most beautifil thing I have ever seen,’ she went on. ‘You're skin is just so. .. amazing. You're all sparkly lik you know, sparkly?” ‘Thanks,’ I said. This girl was clearly gone. ‘Tm not gonna lie, I know Ive had a pill but I genuinely feel this. I can just sense that you're a nice person. It’s not even the drugs. I've just always felt it, that you're lovel fone of those people Td just really like to be friends wit, you know?” Her hands were on the sides of my face now, her thumbs gently caressing my scalp. I had absolutely no idea what to do. I could feel Mini shaking with silent laughter on the other side of me. ‘Just going to nip to the bathroom,’ I managed to tel ‘Skylar, just as she looked like she might be leaning in to kiss me. The bathroom, God it’s beautiful in there. I'm telling you, lie on your back next to the big window, it’s lik nothing else.” “Will do... thanks.’ I scrambled up, Mini not far behind, and headed out of the room. The smoke was slightly less thick in the corridor Tve never liked weed and I was starting to panic that I was 52 fg to end up passively stoned in that room. Mini was still 1m. ‘Let’s go snoop.’ shut the door behind us and we turned to face what sred in little bits of paper with writing on them. When I closer I could see they said things like ‘trust yourself, what's right for you’ and ‘let your inner child laugh [play’. On the other wall was a massive photo collage, fons of faces and festival scenes, tents and people doing is sinf. There were books stacked on the floor and some fin the corner. On the back of the door was. huge picture on with his back to the camera, topless and lit in a spotlight. at the fuck is this place?” Mini squealed, quickly ig each drawer and peering inside. ‘I mean, everyone 6 a bit of weed but this is like some twisted commune @mething. Did you see that girl in there? She must have fer shaved her armpits, ever! I mean, how do these people B It's so weird!” PYeah,’ 1 agreed softly. All I wanted to do was put on some Mily PJs, get into bed and read a good book or watch some Teouldn’t really breathe in the top I was wearing, and the PShall we just go?” I asked hopefully. had some fun,’ Mini replied, her eyesT knew you'd understand!” she squealed. ‘I've alwayy felt like we had some sort of weird connection. Like we were bound to end up together in some way, you know? And here we are!” This was too good to be true. Skylar Gillart had obviously spent years being completely intrigued by me and I hadn't even known! I could feel a fizzing fecting start up in my stomach. Using the adrenaline to push me, I reached out and put my arm around her. She sank against me immediately nuzzling her head into the crook of my shoulder. ‘Lovely, cuddly, ginger Alo. Was she drunk? “My lovely Ginger Nut!’ she yelled, making everyone laugh around us. I could feel I was blushing and made mysell not look over towards Rich who was probably already concocting various ways to torture me with this later. Summoning all my courage I hauled her to her feet. ‘Lets go somewhere, OK? She smiled again, touching her finger to the tip of my nose and holding it there. ‘Wow’ she giggled. ‘You're beautiful.” I led her from the room, stepping over Rich who was smiling, I think I heard him mutter something about dunking my biscuit but I just looked straight ahead. A totally beautiful girl seemed to want me, and I wasn’t about to miss the fanny boat. {rawled the whole room and come up with nothing this lame diary with crappy poetry and a section SGirls who have touched my soul’ ~ touched his dick Tike. The party was rapidly turning into an incredible Dut and Grace still looked like she was about to cry fing needed to happen, and soon. outside in the corridor I could hear some gitt absolute bollocks about the colour of the wallpaper, ithen from the living room came the sound of a guitar ging, Fucking randoms! I thought this was going to be Rouse party where we could get drunk and maybe get male attention, then end up throwing up in the loos er and reminiscing like usual. But no, I've managed to 4 to the biggest hippy commune in Bristol. m calling Liv, this party sucks balls,’ I told Grace who ng off into space. Pt we just go home?” Ye be so gay Grace, the night is young? Bt even I could fecl the lack of enthusiasm in my voice. stas [held the phone up to my face this crusty tiny, dirty EEyppo burst through the door with some creepy ginger Special K was too special!” she blurted out, then all over Grace and her perfectly picked out outfit. tre was a moment of complete silence before Grace Tt was one of those mental screams that goes on Hong time, a total Giri, Interrupted moment. You had tofeel sorry for her. I mean, the love of your life turns out tg be gay and you get chundered on by some random hippy all in one day? Poor Gracie. “Wow, look at the colours,’ said the hippy gitl, starting towards Grace, ‘Don't touch me! You. .. you FREAK!" Bless Grace, she really had no facility for taking people down. Ginger kid just stood there mouth hanging open, and despite myself I started laughing. This night, for all that poor Grace had endured, was undeniably becoming hilarious, We were all just stood there gawping and wondering what the hell just happened. Tiny giggles turned into proper spazz laughing until I looked over at Grace and realized she really was crying now, big fat tears in between those rrally annoying sobs that make your voice come out li old who's just had a tantrum, ‘Get me out of here, Mins, NOW! Skylar was closing on her again, arms outstretched, muttering, ‘Poor baby, poor baby.’ which finally sprun; into action. I grabbed Grace’s hand, careful not to touch any of the actual puke, and bolted for the door, Keyon was hanging around outside looking confused. “Move, you litte shit!” I screamed. I have no idea where it came from but it worked; he was instantly pinned against the wall to let us past. ‘Bathroom,’ I barked, and he pointed shakily down the corridor. I pushed Grace quickly inside and turned to the gathering crowd in the corridor, raising my eyebrows before slamming the door. Fucking randoms! Even I knew when a night was unsalvageable 38 hlst Grace cleaned herself off, sobbing into the sink, I rang frying to explain to Rich so that he would understand, Mia scriously mate, we've really connected. She really to get me, knows that P'm a nice guy underneath the d everything’ o she’s fucked.” ‘d been saying that in reply to everything 'd said for d tWo layers of material away from my actual willy. Iwas to concentrate on not thinking about it too much. mued, making me scowl. ‘Fine, or the right place at the At time, if that’s how you want to see it. Trust me mate, Rot going to remember who you are once she’s on the own, and if she does, she’s just going to be really rassed and pretend she doesn’t g because getting with me is embarrassing? Is that ‘you're trying to say?" PWell, yes, but I don't mean it like that. I just mean, she’s ®i telling you she thinks your souls are one and that your Makes your eyes sparkle and that she loves you for the 59past hour. That's embarrassing” ‘We really connected. I felt it’ But even as I started speak it was beginning to dawn on me. ‘Shit Imumbled ‘Indeed.’ ‘Ididn’t realize” ‘Tknow, mate.’ “Thought she was just a bit drunk.’ “MD then Ket from what I can deduce. Just put it down « experience, You got to touch her boobs right?" “Yeah, but she started talking about the milk of life when I did? ‘Still boobs though.’ “Yeah, actually you're right, sill boobs.’ ‘So not an entirely wasted evening, right? Fven Tmanaged to have some fun watching these nutcases. Sort of like an anthropological study: Glad you enjoyed it.” Iwas smiling again, despite realizing what a massive knob cheese I'd been. I mean, it was so obvious now, the huge Pupils, the random talk about auras and souls? I’m such a dick splash! Rich sighed and turned to me. “Van?” ‘Van,’ I agreed, and started trying to shuffle Skylar’s head on to the floor. and pick us up. Grace was really crying now Gin't have given her the vodka. Not her fault she was fe fucking buzzkill, but scriously, I’m not cut out for this gal stuf mother like daughter then. led to get Grace home and fast. it, Gracie, we'll have to walk to the main road. Ie ou up anyway.” Bt my hecls! she wailed, as if I'd just told her someone i, OK! No need to have a fucking spazz fit. We'll hail fn the street.” walked through the house, passing Keyon who started Ho speak to us. I just raised a palm to his face and he up. Side itd suddenly got really cold. I was starting to about this walk home with a slightly wrecked Grace if on, weren't they at the party, to02” She was pointing. fbwo retards across the road who were climbing into this Hooking hobo van. B fucking way... I warned, but she was already if over the road waving her arms and looking like a te mong. j Hey! Guys! Can we have a lift? finger one looked up and then behind him as if he d to check she was actually talking to him. Retard 61‘In the van? he said stupidly; looking dazed. ‘Yeah, we can’t get a cab. Fd love you forever, ple Theard the dirty one mutter, ‘You've got to be fcking kidding,” and I bristled. ‘Grace, we totally don’t need a lift from these retard, You'll catch something in that van, it’s minging, Its not won the risk.’ kept my ey credit he held eye contact. Not many boys can when I ‘uri on like that, ‘Mins, that’s really mean,’ Grace whispered. ‘Yeah, you wouldn't want to risk catching anything Mins,’ the hairy one said. ‘Like, Idon’t know a brain perhaps Or an actual personality? Or there's still that massively dangerous one, originality “Shut the fuck up! I yelled, wishing there'd been a beter come-back ready. Grace turned to me. ‘Mins, we're in the middle of $f Werburghs, there’s no cab. I really need to sleep, will you just try and be nice?” ‘Fine, But if I catch scabies, I'm holding you responsible! “Your carriage awaits, ladies!’ the ginger one beamed. Sad bastard. Two totally hot girls were willingly getting into his turd of a vehicle. It was his lucky day. “You mention this to a soul...’ I threatened, raising @ warning finger to the boys. ‘What, you'll blind us with your fake tan? The hairy on was really starting to piss me off. ‘Plus it’s not as if we reall travel in the same circles is it?” He tuned to the ginger on ‘She probably doesn’t even know we went to. the sam school.’ take you down darling, I wouldn't try testing me pfurther:” ye mocked, but he slid down in his seat and quiet. ly hope no one hears about this. Grace Grace’s House, 12.45am een sitting on my bed completely still for the past hour, id came in when he heard me come upstairs, shouting ftthe time and where the hell had I been and what the Twearing ete etc. I think he must have been able to Deen crying though because he stopped suddenly and nd sat next to me. hat is it, Grace? What's wrong?” jing, Dad. Really. I'm just tired, practice was very s, it’s hard preparing for exams. T agree. You're doing very well to stay focused round you being on holiday. Tt will all be i feel it coming on now, the conversation he'd been i to start since I told him T didn’t want to go back to Gollege for Young Ladies. Ms are still open to you.” Pow, Dad. But [ve thought about it a lot, 1 63genuinely have. What I said before sill stands, 'm not going back there ‘But someone of your intelligence Grace, of your taleny should be ina place that can nurture you, support you through your exams at the mostimportant time in your life. Mayberry has an average of twenty successful Oxbridge entrants each year; have you thought about that? I couldn't believe this day was getting even worse. What my dad didn’t understand was that Mayberry’s might guarantee straight As at A-level, it might open Oxbridge doors that were probably now going to slip away, it would train me to be a hard-nosed bitch who could fight for hem place in a law-firm somewhere in the city. But it would alsa ‘compromise my mental health. ‘Til make you a deal, Grace.’ Tturned towards him. His face was pensive and severé; I suppose not that much different from usual, but he was gathering momentum, working himself up into one of his selFrighteous rants. I could see it coming on. “You may attend Roundview College if that is wha you wish. But my blessing comes with a few conditionsy do you understand?” What?” ‘Firstly, no one is to know that you are my daughtel It makes things far more complicated and puts you undef undue pressure, not to mention the pressure on me, OK?” ‘Fine by me. ‘Secondly, you are to concentrate absolutely and full heartedly on your studies and extra-curricular activities. Ome must work very hard when presented with average teachin 64 gh one’s full potential.” ind finally, you will have no boyfriend or amorous male ‘of any kind at any point, is that clear?” Nora, he really was going for it. But despite it all 1 for the first time all day. I would be going to w with Mini and Liv and they would take care of everything would be fine. Just fine. He left then, after ‘me this formal pat on the shoulder. He hadn't fed the vomit stain down my top which was probably ‘of being nice to me. d off my clothes, found a big baggy Tshirt and Ed into bed, not bothering to have a shower or brush b. [just wanted to sleep and sleep for a few days and to sce anyone or do anything, fy phone becped. I'd been ignoring tall evening, Quickly dit off the bedside table. Imessage, nine missed calls. sned the message. fe Tim outside, come down? bled out of bed frowning and went to the window. ugh there he was perched on the wall, smoking a If Dad saw him he'd go ape. I reached down and the window a fraction. 1!" T hissed. Tooked up then and delivered that beautiful smile Bround the back into the garden, there's a shed.” I was BE half-whispcring, half-mouthing, and must have looked lous. He started to giggle a litle.“OK. He disappeared round the back. Shoving on som leggings and boots I crept carefully downstairs Zayne was pacing the shed, the whole two paces that afforded, and smoking, He stopped when he heard me com in, then frowned and perched on the lawnmower I leaned against the wall, feigning calm and hoping yy him too. 0, you're gay?” My sentence was followed by a massing audible rush of blood to my face. My ears rang, my heat quickened. I hadn't meant to come out with that bit firs He looked down. ‘Yes. No... Idon’t know? “You don't know? His head whipped up to look at me harshly: ‘No, Grace, I don’t know OK? Its not as simple as thald He flinched. ‘Sorry, i’s not your fault.” We just stood there in complete silence for what fel ik five whole minutes. I watched him watch the floor. He was #9 beautiful in this light, like some hero from an old film, his dark hair brushed back from his face. I just wanted him i look up so I could see his eyes. His breathing quickened and fora second I thought he was about to cry: But out of nowhett he suddenly closed the three feet between us and looked straight at me. He was still breathing hard, the skin at hil neck quivering slightly with his heartbeat. He was so close could almost feel it. ‘Can I try something Grace?” I stayed completely still, raising my eyes to his and watching them flick all over the place. Zayne leant quickly forward, moistening his lips as he did 66 Mfhen, just like that, he was kissing me. It was gentle at , tiny almost closed mouth kisses alternating en upper and bottom lip. But as I opened my mouth a finy groan came out of him and he sort of fell forward, pds finding my waist under the baggy T-shirt, his mouth gent, wetter, quicker. leaned into him starting to get hock, but my breath was still coming in these little not massively conducive to kissing. He stalled, his lips ig for a second then coming to a standstill, his grip on st loosening a litle. I pushed myself back into him, Iesperately to make him stay with me, But it was no NI could already feel him shrinking away. A little sob me and to my horror I started to cry again. He went Blocking at the floor and wringing his hands $0 sorry Grace, I'm so so sorry’ His voice was fig ‘TI want you, I really do. I just don't know if it’s What just happened, it felt... I don’t know how it felt” fry again,’ I whispered. anit? erying properly now, like a child. I brought my to his face and cupped his cheek, trying to make Ok at me. He brought his hand up to cover mine for moment, M sorry,’ he said again and pulled away, quickly moving je shed and back down the path.“This what you were after?” Dean smiled alittle as he passed over the Air Pistol. ‘Tim not rally sure. This can’t actualy Kill anyone can it? Dean tried t stifle a smile. ‘Nah 1°U hurt lke bitch if you shoot at close range though A warm feeling spread through me. ‘How much will it hur ‘L don’t know, more than a punch Pd say: A felt a warm buzz, making my eyes las focus for a second. ‘Shoot me.” What? ‘Go on! I want to know aohat it els like.” No Franks, F'n not gonna fucking shoot you. You crazy bitch Dean, how many things have I done for you over the yeas. His face fll and he scocoled. Teak, fair enough, loads, but Fm not Leat him off. Gust do it! When do I ever ask you for anything “Teal really fucking hurt, Franks. Tm serious!” ‘Please, Dean.’ I looked him in the ee ‘Fine, fucking fine! Just walk away from me OK? Quite far, shall as you're walking” looked at Dean's face tose if he was going to follow through. He scowling but looked determined. A itl shiver ran trough me and nl walking quickly away from him, my whole body tensed in antiipato 68 Yad to hand it to Dean, he was a decent shot. Iwas pretty far ian the pellet hit somecohere on the back of my right thigh. The fal my side scarily fast, his. face chalk white and terrified. Are you OK? Fuck, L'm so stupid. Why did I agree to do Stupid bitch, you made me! Shit?” led myself up and pushed kim playfll up Dean, Fm jine! It didn’t hurt as mach as I thought.” ‘around and looked at my thigh. There was a small hole in Bh of my trousers, a little trickle of blood underneath. It hurt like tx Ished down om it. But. I liked the pain, It reassured me. d back to Dean who was still breathing pretty heavily dy Dean, Tm fine. Honesty.” ed the shit out of me!” ‘ow to know not to leave it there to long It vas one of the iT loved Dean do you want it for anyroay? Tou still geting grief at school?” d not wanting to tll him my plan. He was inoloed enough land I didn’t want him getting in trouble. fit enough. You keep your secrets, and I'll keep mine. Just warning b don’t shoot it close range. You could do some actual damage. PL shoot at anyone's head. Unless you're really fucking pissed, ed the gun into the inside pocket of mo jacket. Lflt warm for in monthsMini Mini's House 11.45pm still cannot believe I willingly got into that hobo-mobile! feel so dirty and disgusting, and I hope to God nobody sav me. [had to endure a full ten minutes of the ginger kid trying to make conversation after we dropped Grace off. When he realized we were all going to Roundview in Septemben he looked like he was going to wet himself, dreaming up schemes to take us to college in his van in the morning, Freak Asif Iwould go anywhere with him, I tried to be nice but you know, sometimes people are just really slow to get the hinls Eventually I just had to let him know that the plague was a slightly less horrifying prospect than having to spend ali more time with him, ever, in any capacity. He was quiet alle that and I started to feel like a complete bitch but you knot needs must and all that. I walked up the front drive and caught the hairy kid yanking the ginger boy’s arm down as he tried to wave to me What a weird little gay boy couple they were. They probabl ora spend all their time wanking each other off in the var 70 that's what I'm going to tell people at college they do. fie van finally started to pull away and I turned back to pat door, letting myself in. There in the hallway was my B spread-cagled, knickerless, yanking down her dress mystery man made his way quickly back up for air at ind of the door opening. I thought I might vom on it there and then. There was this horrific moment plete silence, us all just looking at each other, then st Mum on the stairs, struggling to take them two at a my heels deft me on my tod on our girls’ night Mins, what was to dol? she yelled up after me. ig hhell. Slut,’ I muttered, not sure whether she before I slammed my door. m eyes were calm this time, watering slightly. She didn’t falk about it obviously but here she was offering it up, for the first time. Inow, since she'd asked. Ml you want mie? It came out all high and stupid, hg even. I hated that. éflinched, putting her wine glass down on the table. is, babe. Right from the beginning” B Second it fel ike warmth, Like a trickle of hot water throat which burned slightly. You didn’t want my dad?” Barling, I didn’t. I'm sorry? 1Did he want me? She took the wine back up, swirling it slowly. She wa frowning a little, maybe holding back tears, I couldn't quigg tell. She wanted to look at me but I couldn't mect fl gaze, not yet. ‘He was very young, darling, So?” ‘So, 'm not sure he was ready. You weren't exact Planned. He wanted to want you, I know that much, He would've loved you so much. But he never really gor the chance. I probably didn’elet him,’ ‘Didn't let him?" She flinched again at my tone. Maybe regretting hep honesty. She raised my chin with her finger, forcing me to look at her. “You were so perfect, do you know that? When you were born I just couldn't stop looking at you. And you were mine, that was what was so amazing Suddenly it felt like Td been meant to do something, like I'd done something right, you know? Like all of a sudden someone loved me absolutely and completely and that just felt so ... so She raised both arms in a gesture of amazement, a smile breaking out on her face. “You and me, we were this special club that no one could ‘ouch, that no one could spoil. I didn’t need anyone else.’ She paused. ‘I didn’t want anyone else. And I didn’t exactly knot him that well if you know what I mean.’ She chuckled. I squirmed away from her. I could feel my breath going! and out, in and out, and suddenly it seemed so loud, $095 invasive, so unnatural. I concentrated on slowing it dow 2 igh, trying to dispel the atmosphere. ‘Look at me Took at me. You are the only thing in my life that I'm proud of, do you understand?” Her voice had gotten Imore firm, like she was furions that I'd even had to i hard sometimes you know, feeling like a washed up #@ when your daughter is so beautiful and competent fal. Look at me! You're all I have left and you're away all the time.” ‘was crying now, drunken tears falling down her chin, connection with her I'd ever felt started to wash Teplaced by a vague sickening distaste. I just wanted to Mat her, ‘Stop crying, you fucking self-absorbed bitch. it together! It’s me that’s having the crisis here!” But @S no stopping her now. You know what I sce when I look at you? I see me at En, everything still possible, everything still available. 1 Megretted having you, but I suppose sometimes, I try live the time I missed back by living through you. I know od her head in self-pity. B you're not fucking human, you're my mother, I Binderstand, Mum,’ I said out loud. ‘I know it must have E grasped my hand tight and sobbed quickly twice gathering herself together. Stil the special club you know darling, always will jyou and me taking on the world.’ She did that silly Blitde laugh again, wiping the tears off her face. 1 forced a smile, wanting this conversation to be Right now T hated the bitch. ‘Tilgo and get more wine,’ I said, leaving the room without looking at her. Back in the kitchen I took a few gulps of the wine from the bottle before taking it through. Td imagined Mum telling amazing stories of a man who was too young and creative and free-spirited to stay, and that she'd loved him desperately but had to let him go. Td imagined feeling an overflowing rush of love and admiration for my mum for raising me alone, for being Bohemian, for having a love child. But I just felt sorry for her, and slightly nauseated. She was pathetic And him. He just didn’t want me Iwent back into the lounge, and found Mum on her hands and knees at the bottom of the bookcase, digging around in the big blue box full of crap. I sat at the table and waited, glad she wasn't talking to me. Then she stopped and turned quickly, something pressed to her chest ‘What’ that?” ‘Ie's your dad.’ She looked all het up, sheepish, ‘T thought you said you didn’t have any pictures of him She shook her head, tears coming again. For fuck’s sake. I wasn’t in the mood for playing her stupid litle games. ‘Give it to me.’ I stretched out my hand, ignoring het pained face. I just couldn't be bothered being nice to her any more. She needed to get a life, sort herself out. Stop ‘living though me’ or whatever pathetic little sob story she'd said! carlier. She evidently wasn’t good enough for my dad to want to stay with her. Didn't fucking blame him either. No wondeF u“ Eked off at the thought of her kid. ok the picture from her and turned for the door: ins wait, I kept going and she trailed off. I heard her sit heavily ‘at the table and pour herself more wine. in my room I sat on my bed, the photo still face~ B against my chest. I wasn't sure I wanted to look at it j that’s a lic, I totally wanted to look at it, T just know if I could handle it. Flipping open my phone I Bd Liv, praying she was still up, and if so, sober enough tome. it’s me. 1ow Mins, you called my mobile. What’s up?” entirely sure. I'm sat here with a picture of my dad.” ! What does he look like? Is he blond like you?” ant looked at it yet.” Edon't fucking know, Liv, maybe becau icking deal?” it, OK, sorry Mins, calm down OK? Do you want me round?” stare you doing?” Nothing. just bumming around.’ 0 ¢ someone tonight though, right? Is he some loser guy, Ican easily blow him off? See your guy, it’s totally fine, I'm fine.” |, God, Liv, I'm not having some massive breakdownot anything, was just telling you my news! Go have fim, jg fine. Call me tomorrow? ‘First thing? “Sweet, toodlles then, fins?” "Yeah? ‘Its OK if you're upset. I would be. T felt my stomach turn and a familiar stinging in my eyes. [put on my best attempt at being fine. ‘Is cool Liv, honestly, it’s just a picture. I gowa gy bye sweetie.” 1 sat for a while with the phone in my hand flipping through old messages. Slipping the photo face-down into my bedside table drawer I climbed under the covers, trying ta keep quiet while I cried. liv Liv’s bedroom, 1.15am Thung up the phone and stared at it for a while, wondering Fd just become a really shit friend. Truth was there was 10 bloke. Just the fact that my mum was currently downstait crying, and I had an early date in the morning with a prisoll visitors room. Tomorrow I was going to see Bella, and right now that was pretty much all that my head could deal with Grace Grace's bedroom, 10pm d, my heart thumping at the rings, half hoping he’d up. Just as I lost my nerve and was about to abort he answered, his voice all croaky and strange, like really far away. ie? It’s me, Grace, can you hear me?” mat the Gorge wall.” Was slurring his words and my alarm bells ringing. People only went to Avon Gorge for three Sex, drugs or... well I didn’t want to think about d thing, lat are you doing there” Bas here with a friend but he’s not here any more. P'm 2 Tdon’t know, I'm just sitting and thinking” BB stall Tcome and meet you? Are you OK?” +