1

00:00:01,130 --> 00:00:02,728

Too spiky.
2
00:00:02,796 --> 00:00:04,395
Too flat.
3
00:00:04,464 --> 00:00:07,465
Too Tilda Swinton.
4
00:00:07,534 --> 00:00:09,667
Today is my first day back at school
5
00:00:09,737 --> 00:00:11,669
since coming out to the entire world.
6
00:00:11,738 --> 00:00:13,637
I couldn't sleep at all last night.
7
00:00:13,706 --> 00:00:16,140
Luckily, Jimmy was
willing to stay up with me.
8
00:00:16,209 --> 00:00:17,574
Okay, if we stay dedicated,
9
00:00:17,643 --> 00:00:20,044
we can binge-watch every
season of "Game of Thrones"
10
00:00:20,113 --> 00:00:21,846
in one night. Are you in?
11
00:00:21,914 --> 00:00:24,081
That's like 50 hours
of television, Jimmy.
12
00:00:24,150 --> 00:00:25,716
You don't think we can do it?
13
00:00:25,785 --> 00:00:28,685
Change how time works? No.
No, I don't think we can.
14
00:00:28,754 --> 00:00:30,720
Challenge accepted.

15
00:00:32,357 --> 00:00:34,323
I hardly paid attention,
because I just kept thinking,
16
00:00:34,392 --> 00:00:36,659
"I'm gay and now everyone
knows it, and what'll they... "
17
00:00:36,728 --> 00:00:40,029
wait... are those two dudes doing it?
18
00:00:43,001 --> 00:00:44,600
Morning.
19
00:00:46,103 --> 00:00:48,003
What?
20
00:00:48,072 --> 00:00:49,272
Why are you all staring at me?
21
00:00:49,339 --> 00:00:51,206
We were just talking about you,
22
00:00:51,275 --> 00:00:53,075
so when you came in we stopped.
23
00:00:53,144 --> 00:00:54,576
Don't worry, bro...
24
00:00:54,645 --> 00:00:56,745
when people at school call
you names and bully you
25
00:00:56,814 --> 00:00:59,581
and make fun of the way that
you run and throw and talk,
26
00:00:59,650 --> 00:01:00,682
I will protect you.
27
00:01:00,751 --> 00:01:02,751
I will be your one-handed knight,
28
00:01:02,819 --> 00:01:05,386
and you'll be my
little, bastard brother.

29
00:01:05,454 --> 00:01:07,388
This is a lot on your shoulders.
30
00:01:07,456 --> 00:01:09,924
You're the first out gay
kid in our Catholic school.
31
00:01:09,993 --> 00:01:12,359
So I just want to say...
32
00:01:12,428 --> 00:01:14,595
I wish you'd taken a
minute with your hair.
33
00:01:14,664 --> 00:01:15,963
I spent an hour on this.
34
00:01:16,032 --> 00:01:17,865
Can you wear a hat?
35
00:01:17,934 --> 00:01:20,466
Okay, I just don't want to
make a big deal out of this.
36
00:01:20,535 --> 00:01:21,802
I mean, it's the same school.
37
00:01:21,870 --> 00:01:23,804
I am the same kid as I was last week.
38
00:01:23,872 --> 00:01:25,705
They just, you know, know...
39
00:01:25,774 --> 00:01:27,140
New information about me.
40
00:01:27,209 --> 00:01:28,649
That's a great way of looking at it.
41
00:01:28,677 --> 00:01:30,610
It's kind of like, uh,
you won the lottery.
42
00:01:30,679 --> 00:01:31,845
Mm, or killed someone.

43
00:01:31,914 --> 00:01:34,781
What? You gave him an
outrageous example, too.
44
00:01:34,850 --> 00:01:37,950
I just think it's smart
to stay under the radar.
45
00:01:38,019 --> 00:01:39,418
Look at me and your father.
46
00:01:39,486 --> 00:01:40,986
We're not advertising that
we're getting a divorce.
47
00:01:41,055 --> 00:01:43,289
That's why your father
is living in the basement,
48
00:01:43,357 --> 00:01:44,456
and, in six months time,
49
00:01:44,525 --> 00:01:46,992
he will quietly move
out in the dark of night,
50
00:01:47,061 --> 00:01:49,829
and everyone will forget
we were ever together.
51
00:01:49,897 --> 00:01:51,297
I thought I was living in the basement
52
00:01:51,365 --> 00:01:53,445
- because it's better for the kids.
- Yeah, that too.
53
00:01:53,500 --> 00:01:55,066
Okay, I'm gonna go get this over with.
54
00:01:55,135 --> 00:01:56,500
I'm gonna make it through the day
55
00:01:56,569 --> 00:01:58,736
with as little drama as possible.

56
00:01:58,805 --> 00:01:59,838
Oh, Kenny.
57
00:01:59,906 --> 00:02:01,840
Dear, sweet, gay Kenny.
58
00:02:01,908 --> 00:02:03,842
I had to see your
adorable face one last time
59
00:02:03,910 --> 00:02:05,870
before it's hardened by
the cruelty of your peers.
60
00:02:05,879 --> 00:02:07,778
Oh, my god. Is that a pimple?
61
00:02:07,848 --> 00:02:09,914
As if your day couldn't get any worse.
62
00:02:09,983 --> 00:02:12,115
Off you go.
63
00:02:14,854 --> 00:02:16,519
Okay, you got this.
64
00:02:16,588 --> 00:02:18,755
No one is even looking at you.
65
00:02:18,824 --> 00:02:21,491
So the jocks noticed me.
66
00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:23,760
They're probably coming
up with dumb names
67
00:02:23,829 --> 00:02:26,763
to call me like "Femmy Kenny,"
which doesn't even rhyme.
68
00:02:26,832 --> 00:02:28,530
It's only an assonance at best.
69
00:02:28,599 --> 00:02:30,366
Oh, my god, I am so gay.

70
00:02:30,434 --> 00:02:32,134
Why did I have to come out now?
71
00:02:32,203 --> 00:02:34,370
Why couldn't I have
waited until college?
72
00:02:34,438 --> 00:02:37,273
I can only imagine how these
Catholic-school kids see me.
73
00:02:37,342 --> 00:02:40,376
I'm coming out
74
00:02:40,444 --> 00:02:43,045
I want the world to know
75
00:02:43,114 --> 00:02:45,013
Got to let it show
76
00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:47,349
Oh, my gosh.
77
00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:48,984
I'm coming out
78
00:02:49,052 --> 00:02:50,818
I want the world...
79
00:02:50,888 --> 00:02:53,521
Oh, hey, Kenny. I hear you're...
80
00:02:53,590 --> 00:02:56,324
A fag?! What?!
81
00:02:56,393 --> 00:02:58,894
I know that's what you're
all whispering about me!
82
00:03:00,063 --> 00:03:03,130
I was going to say, I hear
you're running for treasurer.
83
00:03:03,199 --> 00:03:05,699
I am.

84
00:03:05,768 --> 00:03:08,302
And I'd...
85
00:03:08,371 --> 00:03:10,504
Appreciate your vote.
86
00:03:10,572 --> 00:03:11,705
Vote Kenny!
87
00:03:11,774 --> 00:03:15,509
Synced and corrected by VitoSilans
- www.Addic7ed.com 88
00:03:15,577 --> 00:03:18,178
Kenny, you've put us in quite a pickle.
89
00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:21,915
Is it bad to say putting
a pickle in something
90
00:03:21,983 --> 00:03:23,149
to someone like you?
91
00:03:23,218 --> 00:03:24,218
Don't answer that.
92
00:03:24,219 --> 00:03:27,686
Um, how is this gonna go down?
93
00:03:27,755 --> 00:03:29,655
Well, you did use one
of the banned words,
94
00:03:29,724 --> 00:03:32,091
which include but are not limited to
95
00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:36,061
ass, bitch, butt-head, douche, slut,
96
00:03:36,130 --> 00:03:39,764
slut-shamer,
slut-bag...
97
00:03:39,833 --> 00:03:41,199
Slut basket...

98
00:03:41,268 --> 00:03:43,936
Okay, are you sure you should
be reading these out loud to me?
99
00:03:44,004 --> 00:03:44,736
Probably not.
100
00:03:46,907 --> 00:03:50,542
So, what to do with you.
101
00:03:50,610 --> 00:03:52,844
On one hand, you're the bully,
102
00:03:52,913 --> 00:03:55,346
but on the other hand,
you're the victim,
103
00:03:55,415 --> 00:03:58,849
so I guess they're just
gonna cancel each other out.
104
00:03:58,918 --> 00:04:00,451
That's a wash.
105
00:04:00,519 --> 00:04:01,752
Just get back to class.
106
00:04:01,821 --> 00:04:03,955
That is a great idea.
107
00:04:04,023 --> 00:04:05,122
I'm gonna go and blend in.
108
00:04:05,191 --> 00:04:06,857
Yeah, I'm really looking forward
109
00:04:06,926 --> 00:04:09,626
to your election speech for
treasurer this afternoon.
110
00:04:10,963 --> 00:04:13,563
I completely forgot that was today.
111
00:04:13,631 --> 00:04:14,797
Whole school's gonna
be there to watch you,

112
00:04:14,866 --> 00:04:16,466
plus the kids who are home sick.
113
00:04:16,534 --> 00:04:17,800
We got a webcast now, you know.
114
00:04:17,869 --> 00:04:19,235
Um...
115
00:04:19,304 --> 00:04:21,137
What happens if I don't make my speech?
116
00:04:21,206 --> 00:04:24,540
Then Madison Chartoff will
win, and no one wants that.
117
00:04:24,609 --> 00:04:27,343
The Chartoff dynasty ends here!
118
00:04:28,512 --> 00:04:29,644
What are you doing with my couch?
119
00:04:29,713 --> 00:04:31,280
Waiting for you to pick
up the other side of it.
120
00:04:31,349 --> 00:04:32,949
It's for my living
space in the basement.
121
00:04:32,950 --> 00:04:34,116
Oh, no. You can't have this couch.
122
00:04:34,185 --> 00:04:35,417
It's the anchor for the room.
123
00:04:35,486 --> 00:04:38,587
Fine, I'll take the, uh, armchair then.
124
00:04:38,655 --> 00:04:40,889
No, the armchair balances out the couch.
125
00:04:40,958 --> 00:04:43,725
And how about the pillows?
Are these load-bearing pillows?

126
00:04:43,794 --> 00:04:45,126
They're my pop of color!
127
00:04:45,195 --> 00:04:47,295
Oh, you can have this magazine.
128
00:04:47,364 --> 00:04:49,563
Actually, no. I'm not finished with it.
129
00:04:49,632 --> 00:04:52,000
You know what? Never mind. I
can see where this is going.
130
00:04:52,068 --> 00:04:54,435
Looks like I'm doing some
furniture shopping today.
131
00:04:54,504 --> 00:04:55,803
I'm going with you.
132
00:04:55,872 --> 00:04:57,938
No, you're not.
133
00:04:58,008 --> 00:04:59,773
You are terrible at
big-ticket purchases.
134
00:04:59,842 --> 00:05:01,808
Now look, I know you
think I can't handle this,
135
00:05:01,877 --> 00:05:03,510
but I know how to do things
136
00:05:03,578 --> 00:05:06,779
and I am perfectly capable
of buying myself a couch.
137
00:05:06,848 --> 00:05:08,915
You can't get it at Sports Authority.
138
00:05:09,916 --> 00:05:11,584
Then I'm gonna need you to come with me.
139
00:05:13,255 --> 00:05:15,655

There he is right over there.

140
00:05:15,724 --> 00:05:17,957
There he is... the belle of the ball.
141
00:05:18,026 --> 00:05:20,859
Look, how do I get people
to stop talking about me
142
00:05:20,928 --> 00:05:22,161
before my election speech?
143
00:05:22,230 --> 00:05:23,962
You're good at the, you know,
144
00:05:24,032 --> 00:05:26,365
sneaky, underhanded, duplicitous stuff.
145
00:05:26,434 --> 00:05:28,600
Aww, I didn't think you noticed.
146
00:05:28,669 --> 00:05:30,503
Well, the best way
to nip this in the bud
147
00:05:30,571 --> 00:05:31,603
is to change the story.
148
00:05:31,672 --> 00:05:33,105
Start a rumor about your opponent
149
00:05:33,174 --> 00:05:35,306
so they'll be talking
about her instead of you.
150
00:05:35,375 --> 00:05:36,541
Madison Chartoff, though?
151
00:05:36,609 --> 00:05:38,343
I don't know, that sounds a little...
152
00:05:38,412 --> 00:05:40,778
Sneaky? Underhanded? Duplicitous?
153
00:05:40,847 --> 00:05:43,348
Okay, how do I do this?

154
00:05:43,417 --> 00:05:45,716
Take a logline from a
"Pretty Little Liars" episode
155
00:05:45,785 --> 00:05:47,852
and replace a character's
name with Madison's.
156
00:05:47,921 --> 00:05:50,988
Okay. Okay, finally,
watching that show pays off.
157
00:05:54,427 --> 00:05:56,026
And, just like that,
158
00:05:56,095 --> 00:05:58,328
you've ruined an innocent girl's life.
159
00:06:03,402 --> 00:06:05,302
Looking for anything special?
160
00:06:05,371 --> 00:06:07,704
We just got in these adorable poufs.
161
00:06:07,773 --> 00:06:09,572
Oh, well, we already
have an adorable pouf,
162
00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:11,240
and it's his first day back at school.
163
00:06:11,309 --> 00:06:13,008
I'm sorry.
164
00:06:13,078 --> 00:06:14,977
Our son is gay, and
we're getting a divorce.
165
00:06:18,649 --> 00:06:20,316
Don't tell people
we're getting a divorce.
166
00:06:20,385 --> 00:06:22,085
They'll want to sell us the whole store.
167

00:06:22,153 --> 00:06:23,886

It's like when you go
to buy a wedding cake.
168
00:06:23,955 --> 00:06:25,488
You don't say it's for a wedding.
169
00:06:25,557 --> 00:06:27,689
You say it's for a birthday.
But not a sweet sixteen.
170
00:06:27,757 --> 00:06:29,824
Fine, I won't tell them what it's for.
171
00:06:29,893 --> 00:06:32,260
It's never this complicated
at Sports Authority.
172
00:06:32,329 --> 00:06:33,795
Ooh, that one looks comfy.
173
00:06:33,863 --> 00:06:37,031
Congratulations, you just picked
the worst couch in the store.
174
00:06:37,101 --> 00:06:38,900
You want down-wrapped foam.
175
00:06:38,969 --> 00:06:41,069
I can see from here
that's entirely foam.
176
00:06:41,138 --> 00:06:43,137
There's no way you
can see that from here.
177
00:06:43,206 --> 00:06:44,538
She's right. It's all foam.
178
00:06:44,607 --> 00:06:45,906
Can't get rid of it.
179
00:06:45,975 --> 00:06:46,907
Can I help you two with something?
180
00:06:46,976 --> 00:06:48,976
We're looking for a couch for my...

181
00:06:49,044 --> 00:06:50,111
Bonus room.
182
00:06:50,179 --> 00:06:52,379
For, uh, when we have a party,
183
00:06:52,448 --> 00:06:54,948
or, uh, maybe a guest stays over.
184
00:06:55,017 --> 00:06:56,417
It's definitely not for my husband,
185
00:06:56,419 --> 00:06:58,952
who sleeps in our bed
just like he's supposed to.
186
00:06:59,021 --> 00:07:00,353
That's right,
187
00:07:00,422 --> 00:07:02,222
but it still needs to be
able to fit a guy like me.
188
00:07:02,290 --> 00:07:05,291
But not for him. Just a guy like him.
189
00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:07,660
Who may or may not have night terrors...
190
00:07:07,729 --> 00:07:09,829
If there is a couch for that.
191
00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:12,665
I... Think we have that.
192
00:07:12,734 --> 00:07:14,501
Did you hear what happened?
193
00:07:14,569 --> 00:07:16,936
Someone from "Pretty Little
Liars" got Madison pregnant.
194
00:07:17,005 --> 00:07:19,138
Yes, and Kenny got
called the gay F-word.

195
00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:22,341
Fruit? Fairy? Feline? Froyo?
196
00:07:22,409 --> 00:07:25,277
Frou-frou? Fanny pack?
Which one, Shannon?
197
00:07:25,346 --> 00:07:28,013
The really bad one
you're not allowed to say.
198
00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:29,748
Who said that to him?
199
00:07:29,816 --> 00:07:31,983
That's the best part. It was Kenny.
200
00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:35,953
Kenny Lee!
201
00:07:37,089 --> 00:07:38,756
Oh, no, Jimmy. Not that...
202
00:07:38,824 --> 00:07:42,426
I, Jimmy of House
O'Neal, first of my name,
203
00:07:42,495 --> 00:07:45,196
breaker of chains and Mother of Dragons,
204
00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:47,031
will avenge my brother!
205
00:07:47,099 --> 00:07:49,900
- You gay-shaming slut basket!
- Hey!
206
00:07:54,039 --> 00:07:55,505
Wrong Kenny.
207
00:07:56,406 --> 00:07:59,786
Next up, the gripping tale
208
00:07:59,855 --> 00:08:02,956
of Alexander Fleming and Penicillin.

209
00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:04,057
The discovery...
210
00:08:04,126 --> 00:08:06,492
Kenny... Is the rumor true?
211
00:08:06,561 --> 00:08:08,628
Rumor?
212
00:08:08,696 --> 00:08:10,096
You know, I'm not much of a gossip,
213
00:08:10,097 --> 00:08:11,864
but, uh, what did you hear?
214
00:08:11,932 --> 00:08:13,699
I heard you're going to
blow your chance at treasurer
215
00:08:13,768 --> 00:08:15,688
because you're taking
performance-enhancing drugs
216
00:08:15,737 --> 00:08:16,902
to make your body better for swimming.
217
00:08:16,971 --> 00:08:18,738
You know, because you're gay.
218
00:08:18,806 --> 00:08:20,706
What? No, that rumor wasn't about me.
219
00:08:20,775 --> 00:08:22,874
I started it about Madison Chartoff.
220
00:08:22,942 --> 00:08:24,743
Are you starting a smear
campaign against her
221
00:08:24,811 --> 00:08:26,177
because early exit polls show
222
00:08:26,246 --> 00:08:27,879
you're only holding 10% of the vote?

223
00:08:27,947 --> 00:08:31,015
Shut up and learn about Penicillin. God.
224
00:08:31,084 --> 00:08:33,818
Okay, turns out starting
a malicious rumor
225
00:08:33,887 --> 00:08:36,254
about my opponent didn't
make my situation better,
226
00:08:36,323 --> 00:08:38,089
it made it a hell of a lot worse.
227
00:08:38,158 --> 00:08:39,923
What are you doing here?
228
00:08:39,992 --> 00:08:41,358
I defended your honor...
229
00:08:41,427 --> 00:08:43,727
And the House of O'Neals.
230
00:08:43,796 --> 00:08:46,497
But I didn't realize that
you hate-crimed yourself,
231
00:08:46,565 --> 00:08:50,000
so I... regular-crimed Kenny Lee.
232
00:08:50,068 --> 00:08:52,736
Young man, we have a
zero-tolerance policy
233
00:08:52,805 --> 00:08:54,438
when it comes to bodily harm,
234
00:08:54,507 --> 00:08:57,072
so I have no choice but to
suspend you and send you home.
235
00:08:57,141 --> 00:08:58,741
No. No, no, no, but, you know,
236
00:08:58,810 --> 00:09:00,209
I've been making terrible

decisions all day.

237
00:09:00,278 --> 00:09:01,877
I really think I should
be sent home as well.
238
00:09:01,946 --> 00:09:03,179
Jimmy, you're gonna
need to call a parent
239
00:09:03,247 --> 00:09:04,487
and have them come pick you up.
240
00:09:04,549 --> 00:09:06,349
I think I should just, like,
hop on right after Jimmy.
241
00:09:06,418 --> 00:09:08,050
We have the same mom, you know.
242
00:09:08,119 --> 00:09:09,852
I don't want her to
have to make two trips.
243
00:09:09,921 --> 00:09:12,087
I'm dealing with you
on an individual basis.
244
00:09:12,156 --> 00:09:13,388
Hello! Mother.
245
00:09:13,457 --> 00:09:15,957
It is me, your son Jimmy.
246
00:09:16,026 --> 00:09:17,526
No, sweetie, this is Aunt Jodi.
247
00:09:17,594 --> 00:09:18,627
You got the wrong number.
248
00:09:18,696 --> 00:09:19,961
No, I didn't.
249
00:09:20,030 --> 00:09:23,198
Uh, you need to come
pick me up from my school.

250
00:09:23,266 --> 00:09:25,434
I got suspended...
251
00:09:25,502 --> 00:09:27,369
But I also have the $20 that I owe you.
252
00:09:27,438 --> 00:09:29,371
Well, I think you owe me $40.
253
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,772
Okay, that's fine,
254
00:09:31,841 --> 00:09:33,006
but I will remember that
255
00:09:33,075 --> 00:09:34,915
the next time you call
me, drunk, from sizzler.
256
00:09:37,547 --> 00:09:38,979
My...
257
00:09:39,048 --> 00:09:41,649
Birth Mother is coming.
258
00:09:43,152 --> 00:09:44,785
That's right, and also mine.
259
00:09:44,854 --> 00:09:46,821
So I'm just gonna go ahead
and skedaddle with him.
260
00:09:46,889 --> 00:09:47,987
Okay?
261
00:09:48,056 --> 00:09:49,789
Nope, Kenny, you're not in trouble.
262
00:09:49,858 --> 00:09:50,858
What?
263
00:09:50,892 --> 00:09:52,258
No, I said a banned word,
264
00:09:52,327 --> 00:09:54,627

and I spread that rumor

about a very nice girl
265
00:09:54,696 --> 00:09:56,396
who just wants to distribute funds
266
00:09:56,465 --> 00:09:57,897
and record expenditures.
267
00:09:57,966 --> 00:09:59,332
Hurting people's feelings
268
00:09:59,401 --> 00:10:01,601
is not punishable at this school.
269
00:10:01,670 --> 00:10:03,503
Well, it should be.
270
00:10:03,572 --> 00:10:06,171
Yeah, and that tie
you're wearing is awful.
271
00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:07,840
I'm a vice principal.
272
00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:10,275
Everything about my life is awful.
273
00:10:10,344 --> 00:10:12,244
Mm!
274
00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:14,813
Okay, so we have the floral settee,
275
00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:17,916
two wall sconces,
three-piece vanity set.
276
00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:19,084
Great choices, Eileen.
277
00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:20,185
Hey, what do you think about this mug?
278
00:10:20,254 --> 00:10:21,652
Uh, that's mine.

279
00:10:21,721 --> 00:10:22,854
Were you in our break room?
280
00:10:22,922 --> 00:10:25,189
You know, it would really help out a lot
281
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:27,658
if there were labels for the sections
282
00:10:27,727 --> 00:10:30,027
that you have... golf, tennis...
283
00:10:30,096 --> 00:10:31,629
Break room.
284
00:10:31,698 --> 00:10:33,330
Was it a "yay" or "nay"
on... definitely "yay."
285
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,199
Wait a minute. What
is happening here? Yay.
286
00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:37,268
What? We don't need all of this.
287
00:10:37,336 --> 00:10:38,835
Yes, we do.
288
00:10:38,904 --> 00:10:40,437
We are furnishing our bonus room,
289
00:10:40,506 --> 00:10:42,639
which is doubling as a guest room.
290
00:10:42,708 --> 00:10:44,007
For when the twins visit from Alberta.
291
00:10:44,075 --> 00:10:47,711
Right. They need a place
that feels like home.
292
00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:50,179
Cheryl, could you give
us a minute, please?

293
00:10:53,051 --> 00:10:54,951
Canadian twins?
294
00:10:55,020 --> 00:10:56,420
Eileen, what are you talking about?
295
00:10:56,421 --> 00:10:58,287
We're supposed to be lying
to save a little bit of money,
296
00:10:58,355 --> 00:11:00,456
and now we're getting all this
crap that we don't even need.
297
00:11:00,525 --> 00:11:01,657
I had to make something up
298
00:11:01,726 --> 00:11:03,191
before you jumped in
and told her the truth.
299
00:11:03,260 --> 00:11:04,794
But why are we even lying?
300
00:11:04,862 --> 00:11:05,928
All we need is a couch.
301
00:11:05,996 --> 00:11:07,996
Just tell her that we need a couch.
302
00:11:08,065 --> 00:11:09,505
You don't understand how this works.
303
00:11:09,534 --> 00:11:10,966
You're right. I don't
know how this works.
304
00:11:11,035 --> 00:11:12,967
I don't even know what
any of this is. A sconce?
305
00:11:13,036 --> 00:11:14,168
Look, if this is the type of help
306
00:11:14,237 --> 00:11:15,670

that you're here to

give me, I don't want it.
307
00:11:15,739 --> 00:11:18,072
I'm going home where
everything makes sense
308
00:11:18,141 --> 00:11:20,207
and I can use any mug I want.
309
00:11:20,276 --> 00:11:23,177
You're not leaving me.
Okay, honey, thanks.
310
00:11:23,246 --> 00:11:26,414
I'll have a pretzel, too... with cheese!
311
00:11:26,483 --> 00:11:28,817
He already knows that. He's my husband.
312
00:11:28,885 --> 00:11:29,817
Okay.
313
00:11:29,885 --> 00:11:32,085
Ask Cheryl.
314
00:11:36,124 --> 00:11:37,825
What are you doing?
315
00:11:37,893 --> 00:11:39,526
I'm trying to get some
behind-the-scenes footage
316
00:11:39,595 --> 00:11:41,428
for the documentary I'm
making about you in A.V. club.
317
00:11:41,497 --> 00:11:43,430
What? No. W-w-why?
318
00:11:43,499 --> 00:11:44,998
The public's clamoring for it.
319
00:11:45,067 --> 00:11:46,899
You're famous now.
320

00:11:46,968 --> 00:11:48,033

I already have $4,000 on Kickstarter.
321
00:11:48,102 --> 00:11:49,769
I do not wish to be photographed,
322
00:11:49,838 --> 00:11:51,370
especially under these fluorescents.
323
00:11:51,439 --> 00:11:53,038
This has gotten way out of control.
324
00:11:53,107 --> 00:11:54,774
I can't run for treasurer today.
325
00:11:54,843 --> 00:11:57,176
I have to figure out a way
to get kicked out of school,
326
00:11:57,244 --> 00:11:58,978
but how?
327
00:12:10,591 --> 00:12:13,257
You want to film something, Doug?
328
00:12:13,326 --> 00:12:14,459
Film this.
329
00:12:14,528 --> 00:12:16,928
Kenny Lee!
330
00:12:16,997 --> 00:12:18,763
Not again.
331
00:12:18,832 --> 00:12:20,931
I am so, so sorry!
332
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,133
I know this has been a hard day for you,
333
00:12:23,202 --> 00:12:24,902
but there's no other way out for me!
334
00:12:28,007 --> 00:12:29,540
Oh, this is going viral.

335
00:12:31,143 --> 00:12:35,746
This is not what
www.Saintbarklays.com/stucouncil
336
00:12:35,815 --> 00:12:37,280
was created for.
337
00:12:37,349 --> 00:12:38,815
I'm sorry.
338
00:12:38,884 --> 00:12:41,384
I mean, like, I guess you have no choice
339
00:12:41,452 --> 00:12:43,285
but to send me home, right?
340
00:12:43,354 --> 00:12:44,754
I mean, you said it yourself...
341
00:12:44,823 --> 00:12:46,143
you have a zero-tolerance policy.
342
00:12:46,157 --> 00:12:47,957
For regular people,
yes, but you're special,
343
00:12:48,026 --> 00:12:49,959
and special people
get special treatment.
344
00:12:50,028 --> 00:12:51,427
Figured that one out the hard way.
345
00:12:51,496 --> 00:12:54,063
Are you saying you are
not going to punish me
346
00:12:54,132 --> 00:12:56,131
no matter what I do because I'm gay?
347
00:12:56,199 --> 00:12:59,334
Those are your words, not mine, but yes.
348
00:12:59,403 --> 00:13:03,071
Okay. He left me no
choice... the nuclear option.

349
00:13:03,140 --> 00:13:05,974
VP Murray, this policy...
350
00:13:06,043 --> 00:13:11,112
Is the [Bleep] [Bleep]
lamest [Bleep] ass
351
00:13:11,181 --> 00:13:14,015
[bleep] tickling [Bleep]
sucking thing I have ever heard!
352
00:13:14,083 --> 00:13:16,083
I love your energy!
Now get back to class!
353
00:13:16,152 --> 00:13:18,085
[Bleep]
354
00:13:18,154 --> 00:13:21,689
Thanks for getting me from
school without telling my mom.
355
00:13:21,758 --> 00:13:23,323
Thank you for the 50 bucks.
356
00:13:23,392 --> 00:13:25,125
50? You said 40.
357
00:13:25,194 --> 00:13:26,226
I rent the chair, Jimmy.
358
00:13:26,295 --> 00:13:27,929
It's either that or I give you a perm.
359
00:13:27,997 --> 00:13:30,530
I could rock that. Can
I do shampoo tomorrow?
360
00:13:30,599 --> 00:13:32,131
Tomorrow you'll be at school.
361
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:34,534
Well, yeah, until I get busted
for beating up another kid.
362

00:13:34,603 --> 00:13:36,335

Kenny's still gonna be gay tomorrow,
363
00:13:36,404 --> 00:13:38,471
and I'm still gonna
need to protect him...
364
00:13:38,540 --> 00:13:40,774
Unless he becomes one
of those big, buff gays.
365
00:13:42,277 --> 00:13:45,045
Yeah, no, I'm actually... I'm
gonna be doing this forever.
366
00:13:45,113 --> 00:13:46,779
You can't do that forever.
367
00:13:46,847 --> 00:13:48,714
There's jerks everywhere.
368
00:13:48,783 --> 00:13:50,263
Look, the jerks are never going away.
369
00:13:50,284 --> 00:13:51,684
You can't beat all of them up.
370
00:13:51,752 --> 00:13:53,112
I think the best way to help Kenny
371
00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:55,220
is to let him know that
you're there for him...
372
00:13:55,289 --> 00:13:57,522
And maybe use your words
instead of your fists.
373
00:13:57,592 --> 00:14:01,159
Yeah. Thanks, Aunt Jodi.
374
00:14:01,228 --> 00:14:02,388
And I think it's really sweet
375
00:14:02,429 --> 00:14:04,195
that you want to defend
your little brother.

376
00:14:04,263 --> 00:14:06,898
Well, hopefully ladies
decades younger than you
377
00:14:06,967 --> 00:14:08,265
will think it's sweet, too.
378
00:14:12,105 --> 00:14:14,371
There you are. I've
been looking for you.
379
00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:15,640
Are you sick?
380
00:14:15,709 --> 00:14:18,175
No. I'm watching my program.
381
00:14:21,246 --> 00:14:22,512
Do you do this every day?
382
00:14:22,581 --> 00:14:24,047
When my schedule permits
383
00:14:24,116 --> 00:14:26,049
and Nurse Phyllis is feeling lonely,
384
00:14:26,118 --> 00:14:27,417
so, yeah, every day.
385
00:14:27,486 --> 00:14:28,585
And it's a commercial,
386
00:14:28,654 --> 00:14:30,988
so, whatever you wanted
to say, do it quickly.
387
00:14:31,056 --> 00:14:34,024
I can't make this speech.
388
00:14:34,093 --> 00:14:36,093
I mean, I'm gonna go up there
and no matter what I say,
389
00:14:36,161 --> 00:14:37,159
they're not gonna hear it...

390
00:14:37,228 --> 00:14:38,861
they're just gonna
think I'm the gay kid,
391
00:14:38,930 --> 00:14:42,197
you know, who started a smear
campaign about his opponent.
392
00:14:42,266 --> 00:14:43,766
Hey, did you know the A.V. club
393
00:14:43,835 --> 00:14:45,434
is making a documentary about me?
394
00:14:45,503 --> 00:14:46,902
Yeah. I gave a short interview.
395
00:14:46,971 --> 00:14:47,971
You what?
396
00:14:48,006 --> 00:14:49,538
I said we suspected you were gay,
397
00:14:49,607 --> 00:14:51,707
but we never knew you
had this mean streak.
398
00:14:51,776 --> 00:14:53,175
Shannon.
399
00:14:53,244 --> 00:14:55,443
How did this get so out of hand?
400
00:14:55,512 --> 00:14:57,245
Everything I've tried
just makes it worse.
401
00:14:57,313 --> 00:14:58,680
I've got to get out of here.
402
00:14:58,749 --> 00:14:59,749
So, cut.
403
00:14:59,783 --> 00:15:01,082
"Cut."

404
00:15:01,151 --> 00:15:03,184
I've never cut school before.
405
00:15:03,253 --> 00:15:05,286
You never punched an
asthmatic kid before,
406
00:15:05,355 --> 00:15:07,522
so today's a day of firsts.
407
00:15:09,793 --> 00:15:13,260
Okay, here's this, and
I got two more sconces
408
00:15:13,328 --> 00:15:15,896
that'll look fabulous on
either side of that dart board.
409
00:15:15,965 --> 00:15:16,997
And the couch?
410
00:15:17,066 --> 00:15:18,966
It'll will be here and very comfortable
411
00:15:19,035 --> 00:15:20,134
in six to eight weeks.
412
00:15:20,202 --> 00:15:21,001
What?
413
00:15:21,070 --> 00:15:22,302
Well, it's a custom fabric,
414
00:15:22,371 --> 00:15:24,104
but don't worry, the
vanity is arriving tomorrow.
415
00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:25,773
Is this how it's going to be om now on?
416
00:15:25,841 --> 00:15:28,274
I'm gonna have to live down
here like some little mole person
417
00:15:28,342 --> 00:15:29,942

on lawn furniture because you don't want

418
00:15:29,978 --> 00:15:31,178
to tell the truth to strangers?
419
00:15:31,179 --> 00:15:33,212
Look, you know I don't like to lie,
420
00:15:33,281 --> 00:15:34,714
but what I like even less
421
00:15:34,783 --> 00:15:37,383
is having people talking
about me and judging me.
422
00:15:37,451 --> 00:15:40,153
Oh, Eileen, the only
person judging you is you.
423
00:15:40,221 --> 00:15:42,055
I mean, what even is this?
424
00:15:42,123 --> 00:15:44,723
I don't know. I don't
know what I'm doing!
425
00:15:44,792 --> 00:15:48,326
I just bought this bowl
full of useless balls,
426
00:15:48,395 --> 00:15:51,163
and I paid full price, and it's hideous!
427
00:15:53,366 --> 00:15:54,766
Well
428
00:15:54,835 --> 00:15:57,268
Well, I could've used the bowl...
429
00:15:57,337 --> 00:15:59,304
For c-chips or something.
430
00:15:59,372 --> 00:16:01,272
We just walked right out of school,
431
00:16:01,341 --> 00:16:02,606

and no one arrested us.

432
00:16:02,675 --> 00:16:03,675
- Shh.
- Sorry.
433
00:16:03,710 --> 00:16:05,810
Um, why have I never done this before?
434
00:16:05,878 --> 00:16:07,311
Keep it together, Kenny.
435
00:16:07,379 --> 00:16:08,813
We're gonna hang out in the
basement until school is over,
436
00:16:08,881 --> 00:16:10,447
then we're gonna go in
through the front door.
437
00:16:10,516 --> 00:16:11,682
If they catch us any earlier,
438
00:16:11,751 --> 00:16:13,250
we'll say we got sent home for lice.
439
00:16:13,319 --> 00:16:14,418
What if they check us for lice?
440
00:16:14,486 --> 00:16:16,821
What?
441
00:16:16,889 --> 00:16:19,622
You keep an emergency bag
of lice in your pocket?
442
00:16:19,691 --> 00:16:21,257
This isn't a game, Kenny.
443
00:16:22,327 --> 00:16:23,626
Who are you?
444
00:16:25,363 --> 00:16:28,198
I can totally see why people
get seduced into a life of crime.
445

00:16:28,266 --> 00:16:29,999

Breaking the rules is so fun!
446
00:16:30,068 --> 00:16:31,267
What the hell are you doing here?
447
00:16:31,336 --> 00:16:32,336
Aah!
448
00:16:32,337 --> 00:16:33,669
Shannon made me cut school!
449
00:16:33,739 --> 00:16:35,538
We got sent home for lice.
450
00:16:35,607 --> 00:16:37,873
This is why I work alone.
451
00:16:38,993 --> 00:16:40,073
Why aren't you in school?
452
00:16:40,194 --> 00:16:42,218
I'm sticking with the lice
thing all the way to the end.
453
00:16:42,219 --> 00:16:43,318
I have had a day from hell,
454
00:16:43,433 --> 00:16:44,576
and I am not going back to school
455
00:16:44,711 --> 00:16:45,775
to stand in front of an auditorium
456
00:16:45,776 --> 00:16:48,321
filled with people to
give my treasurer speech.
457
00:16:48,322 --> 00:16:50,264
I can't stand them looking
at me and judging me!
458
00:16:50,333 --> 00:16:52,333
I totally get it.
459
00:16:52,401 --> 00:16:54,168

You and I will live in the basement.

460
00:16:54,236 --> 00:16:56,736
We'll order from Amazon Fresh,
and I'll home school you.
461
00:16:56,805 --> 00:16:59,440
I've got a beautiful settee
coming in six to eight weeks.
462
00:16:59,508 --> 00:17:01,708
No. That is not how we
are going to handle this.
463
00:17:01,777 --> 00:17:04,445
Now, look, I might not
know where to buy a couch
464
00:17:04,513 --> 00:17:05,811
or what a sconce does,
465
00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:08,848
but I do know a little
something about feeling ashamed,
466
00:17:08,916 --> 00:17:11,550
and hiding out down here
and lying to salespeople
467
00:17:11,619 --> 00:17:14,854
to avoid their judgment is
not a solution to anything.
468
00:17:14,922 --> 00:17:17,390
A little something you guys
don't know about dear old dad...
469
00:17:17,459 --> 00:17:21,127
back in high school, kids
used to call me "Fatty Patty."
470
00:17:21,196 --> 00:17:22,461
Why?
471
00:17:22,529 --> 00:17:23,895
Because I was fat.
472

00:17:23,964 --> 00:17:25,130

Oh.
473
00:17:25,199 --> 00:17:28,400
Anyway, the worst part of it
474
00:17:28,469 --> 00:17:29,834
was that I loved to swim,
475
00:17:29,903 --> 00:17:32,471
but I refused to get into
swim trunks in front of anyone.
476
00:17:32,539 --> 00:17:33,905
The names kept coming.
477
00:17:33,974 --> 00:17:35,474
- Porky Patty?
- Piggy Patty?
478
00:17:35,542 --> 00:17:37,909
Yes, like that.
479
00:17:37,978 --> 00:17:39,243
My point is...
480
00:17:39,312 --> 00:17:40,592
Patrick O'Besity.
481
00:17:40,613 --> 00:17:42,546
Fat Sajak! I knew I had one.
482
00:17:44,317 --> 00:17:46,450
Eventually, though,
I just said screw it.
483
00:17:46,519 --> 00:17:48,419
I'm gonna swim. I don't care
what anybody says about it.
484
00:17:48,488 --> 00:17:49,953
And you know what I did? I swam.
485
00:17:50,023 --> 00:17:51,622
Every day. And guess what happened?
486

00:17:51,690 --> 00:17:53,491

Swimming is how I lost the weight.
487
00:17:53,559 --> 00:17:58,128
Okay, um, if you're
suggesting I start swimming,
488
00:17:58,196 --> 00:18:00,763
I'm a little afraid that might
fuel the fire of some rumors
489
00:18:00,832 --> 00:18:02,999
that I may or may not
have started about myself.
490
00:18:03,068 --> 00:18:05,502
What I'm saying is that what
people think or say about you
491
00:18:05,570 --> 00:18:07,637
shouldn't stop you from
doing what you love...
492
00:18:07,705 --> 00:18:09,039
like being treasurer.
493
00:18:09,107 --> 00:18:12,142
Yeah, don't let being gay
stop you from being lame.
494
00:18:12,210 --> 00:18:14,309
I think your father's right.
495
00:18:14,378 --> 00:18:15,444
You do?
496
00:18:15,513 --> 00:18:17,346
Just take it, pat.
497
00:18:19,216 --> 00:18:22,151
Okay, dad.
498
00:18:22,219 --> 00:18:27,423
I guess, because you were
fat, I'll go back to school.
499
00:18:27,491 --> 00:18:28,790

Thanks, son.
500
00:18:28,859 --> 00:18:30,258
And what was your plan, anyway?
501
00:18:30,326 --> 00:18:32,360
I don't know, I figured I'd drop out,
502
00:18:32,429 --> 00:18:34,862
get my D.E.D., go to community college.
503
00:18:34,931 --> 00:18:37,331
No son of mine who's not Jimmy
is going to community college.
504
00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:39,033
That's fair.
505
00:18:39,102 --> 00:18:42,503
And I hope you'll vote
for me for treasurer,
506
00:18:42,572 --> 00:18:45,406
because I would really treasure it.
507
00:18:50,045 --> 00:18:53,880
Thank you, Madison. That was... Long.
508
00:18:53,949 --> 00:18:57,350
Uh, next we have Kenny O'Neal,
509
00:18:57,419 --> 00:19:01,088
a very special student who
is just like everyone else,
510
00:19:01,156 --> 00:19:03,523
except for one glaring difference
511
00:19:03,592 --> 00:19:05,891
which I'm not allowed to talk about.
512
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,326
Kenny O'Neal.
513
00:19:11,632 --> 00:19:12,998
Hi.

514
00:19:13,067 --> 00:19:15,401
Uh, I am Kenny O'neal.
515
00:19:15,470 --> 00:19:19,405
You may have heard some
things about me today.
516
00:19:19,474 --> 00:19:21,672
Uh, some of them are true.
517
00:19:21,741 --> 00:19:23,274
Most of them are not.
518
00:19:23,343 --> 00:19:27,278
Some of them may remind you of
a "Pretty Little Liars" episode.
519
00:19:27,347 --> 00:19:31,849
Um, this morning...
520
00:19:31,918 --> 00:19:34,919
I gave myself an ugly, ugly label
521
00:19:34,988 --> 00:19:37,589
because I was afraid that...
522
00:19:37,657 --> 00:19:42,326
One of you was going
to give it to me first.
523
00:19:46,932 --> 00:19:49,032
Um, but the only F-word
524
00:19:49,101 --> 00:19:52,569
I want to be associated
with is "Fiscal,"
525
00:19:52,638 --> 00:19:54,771
because I am fiscally responsible
526
00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:58,040
and I'd love for you to
call me your treasurer.
527
00:19:58,109 --> 00:20:00,376

I have something to say!

528
00:20:01,212 --> 00:20:03,579
My brother is gay,
529
00:20:03,648 --> 00:20:04,880
and I love him.
530
00:20:04,949 --> 00:20:06,189
And I just want him to know it.
531
00:20:06,217 --> 00:20:07,416
Okay, thank you, Jimmy.
532
00:20:07,485 --> 00:20:09,452
- And I accept you for who you are.
- Okay.
533
00:20:09,521 --> 00:20:13,255
And for whatever parts on
dudes' bodies that you're into.
534
00:20:13,323 --> 00:20:15,590
Okay, this seems like a
one-on-one conversation, Jimmy,
535
00:20:15,659 --> 00:20:17,039
that we could, you
know, be having later.
536
00:20:17,064 --> 00:20:17,499
Yes.
537
00:20:17,528 --> 00:20:19,494
Well vote for Kenny...
538
00:20:19,563 --> 00:20:23,131
For whatever it is that he's doing,
539
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:24,360
'cause I know he's good at it.
540
00:20:24,368 --> 00:20:28,069
And just to be clear,
I am still not gay.
541

00:20:28,138 --> 00:20:30,504

Madison? What's up?
542
00:20:30,573 --> 00:20:31,573
Sit down, Jimmy.
543
00:20:31,607 --> 00:20:33,641
Yes, yep. I'm gonna... I'm going.
544
00:20:33,709 --> 00:20:35,842
Oh, I'd also very much like
to apologize to Kenny Lee.
545
00:20:37,513 --> 00:20:38,912
Okay. I see we're not there yet,
546
00:20:38,981 --> 00:20:40,581
but we'll get to forgiveness, Kenny Lee.
547
00:20:41,431 --> 00:20:44,662
What is the difference
between a regular crime
548
00:20:44,730 --> 00:20:45,562
and a hate crime?
549
00:20:45,631 --> 00:20:46,964
Well, that's a great question.
550
00:20:47,033 --> 00:20:51,368
Um, as all crimes are based in hate,
551
00:20:51,437 --> 00:20:55,639
therefore... I do not
know the difference.
552
00:20:55,708 --> 00:20:59,475
Well, of course, there are...
there are crimes of passion.
553
00:20:59,544 --> 00:21:01,611
Ooh, love crimes.
554
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:04,714
Yeah, well, my ex-wife performed
several love crimes on me

555
00:21:04,783 --> 00:21:06,216
during our marriage,
556
00:21:06,285 --> 00:21:08,685
which is why we always
had a safe-word...
557
00:21:08,753 --> 00:21:09,552
nah, I've said too much.
558
00:21:09,621 --> 00:21:10,621
No, no. Go on.
559
00:21:10,689 --> 00:21:11,955
Please, tell me more.
560
00:21:12,024 --> 00:21:14,323
Well, we had, uh,
561
00:21:14,391 --> 00:21:17,125
you know those sleep-number mattresses?
562
00:21:17,242 --> 00:21:20,520
- Right.
- So, I'm a six, okay?
563
00:21:20,655 --> 00:21:23,469
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