MelinaAguiaga

Humanities
JanelleMcCammack
September15,2015
RyanHayes:
Iapologize,Imdying
ItisabalmyearlySeptemberafternooninSanMarcos,California.Onabenchatthe
frontofHighTechHighNorthCountysitsRyanHayes.He,likemanyothershisage,hasspent
someofhissixteenyearsoflifemeditatingonwhatitisthatmakeslifeworthliving.Withallits
complexities,lifehasbeenwellforRyan,andhesettlesdowntoopenuponhisfindings.
SometimesIthinktomyself,Whatsgoingon?Ryansaysthiswhiledescribingtome
thewayheseesconfusioninvolvedinthehumancondition.Confusion,hebelieves,isakeypart
thehumanconditionandgivesusasenseofpurposewhileitsimultaneouslydistractsourlives.
Inthesamemanner,itdrivesourneedforinteractionandquestforrelationshipswhileholding
usbackfromdoingthesameforothers.Conceptssimilartothiscanbefoundinthesecondsong
ofhismanifesto,PixiessongWhereIsMyMind?.Thissongcreatesacertaintoneof
abstractionwithitsuseofimageryandrepetition.Thissonginparticular,amongtheothersof
themanifesto,bringsRyantomindofhowonecanoftenfeel.Ialmostoverthinkitbrieflyand
itbecomes,youknow,Whereismymind?afterbreakingtolaughhefinisheshisstatement
with,Itjustconfusesme.Wheredoesthisconfusionstemfrom?Hepositsthatconfusion
aboutourownemotionsandinteractionswiththeworldaroundusbringaboutourmost
commonturmoils.Whetheritbeourseeminglyinnateneedtoknowaboutothersorourquest
todiscoverourselves,wewaitforthecuesofotherstodirectusinadditiontoseekingapproval
fromwithin.
AcceptanceplaysabigpartinRyanslife.Asseeninthefirstsongofhismixtape,Bound
fortheFloorbyLocalH.Thissongfocusesonlackofconfidenceandoverallfrustrationwithits
repetitivelyricsandpostgrungestyle.Inmiddleschoolheremembersgoingthroughaphase
wherehecouldrelatetosuchfeelingsasensethateveryone,regardlessofhowclosetheyareto
you,seesyouasless.Ohmygod,whatdotheythinkofme?herecallsthinking.Althoughhe
canlaughattheexperiencenow,thereisaverypresentaspecttothosefeelingsofnotbeing
enough.Throughouttheinterviewhepaintsapictureofhimselfwithaslittlecoloranddetailas
possibleasifheisafraidoflettingonthathecouldbemorethanwhateverperceptionhemay
haveofhimself.Sometimesyouhavetohidewhatyouwanttosayorevenwhatyoubelievein.

Sortoftoprotectothers,inaway.Hemakesthispointafteraquestionabouthowwhathe
thinksheshoulddodiffersfromwhatisdone.Ijustdontwanttobeajerk.
Idontthinktheworldisnecessarilythatnicetous,itsjustatoughplaceforanyone,
saysRyanSorry,IdontreallyknowwhereIwasgoingwiththat,hesayshalfjokingly.This
responsecomesfromaquestiononhisideasofnatureversusnurture.Tosummarizewhathe
said,wecouldnotsurvivewithouthavingotherslookingoutforyouortheabilitytofacethings
onyourown.Hethinksthatbeliefsandmoralcreedarederivedanddirectlyinfluencedbythe
waysinwhichbothnatureandnurturearepresentinourlives.Thelastofhisthreemanifesto
songs,MissedtheBoatbyModestMouse,includesthisideainaratheruniqueway.Whilethe
othertwosongshavemeaningsthataremoreeasilyderived,MissedtheBoatusesclever
languageandsubtlecontradictionstopaintapictureoflifefallingapart.Butisitreallyfalling
apart?Thesongusesforwardmovementasafociandindoingthisisabletocompareboth
mentallyandphysicallymissingsomething.Ratherthanfallingapart,itsalifepulledapartby
ourexpectationsandfilledwiththeactual.Theweirdthingiswedonttalkaboutit,wejust
pretendasifeverythingisnormal.Ryanaddsthisasapointabouthowcollectively,wedont
allowourselvestoseekhelpforthemomentswhendreamsceasetoholdtheirownweight.This
isseeninapartofthelyricsthatgoesOurideasheldnowater/Butweusedthemlikeadam.
Inasomeways,therecomesasenseofhumanitywithpersonalandsocietalfailures.
Failuresgiveusanopportunitytogrowanddevelopasenseofrightandwrong.Allof
themcoalescestocreateacollectionofexperiencesthatultimatelybecomewhoweare.Ryan
hadafewthingstosayonthematteroftryingtofigureyourselfout.Eventuallyyoulljustkeep
dwellingonitandnothingreallygetsdone.Thisresponsecomesfromaquestionabouthis
personalconnectiontoWhereisMyMind?.Forallofthesongsincludedinhismanifesto
thereisapieceofhispersonalhistory.FromthememoriesofmiddleschoolthatBoundtothe
Floorbroughtabouttohisthoughtsonseekingnormalcythatwerediscussedinconnectionto
MissedtheBoat,allofthemareasmallportionofhiswholelife.InawaythepartsofRyans
storythatmanyofuscanrelatetoaresingulartohimaswell.Lifescomplexitiesmaycreatean
overwhelmingforceinourlives,butthesimplicityandinterconnectivityoflifeasweknowitis
whatkeepsitalltogether.