Of all the Truly Great Inventions, which one is the
greatest? Well, there’s no way to tell, as it’s all really just a
As humans, we’ve invented a lot of things. Most of these
i nventions are stupid and pointless (the Pet Rock; Count
Chocula cereal; abstinence as a form of birth control). A lot of
them are fun (video games; board games; head games). Some
of them are convenient and make our lives easier (cheese
graters; beer widgets; toilet brushes). And, every so often, a
Truly Great Invention comes along that changes our culture
and the very way we live on this planet (irrigation; the printing
press; beer).
8 9
Bike_Snob_INT.indd 8-9
matter of opinion. But we can narrow it down. There’s a simple
litmus test you can use to tell a Truly Great Invention from a
regular invention. And that litmus test is the Amish.
The Amish have been “keeping it real” longer than
almost any other group of people in America, and they’ve done
so by shunning frivolous modern conveniences. Just a few of
the things the Amish refuse to use include:
electricity
zippers
telephones
automobiles
computers
speedboats
Nautilus equipment
plastic surgery
and Ludacris albums.
It might seem crazy to live a life without these things,
but if you really think about it you can do without all of them.
People managed for millennia without electricity, and they
were just fine (apart from all the darkness a n d c h o l e ra ) .
A l s o, z i p p e rs a re j u s t d a n g e ro u s b u tt o n s, t e l e phones are
satanic devices for spreading gossip that vibrate seductively
in your pocket (anything that vibrates is evil), automobiles
are simply buggies that are too stupid to avoid collisions
themselves if the driver falls asleep, and the rest of the items
on that list are just things people use to try to get other people
11/18/09 3:43:53 PM

As humans, we’ve invented a lot of things. Most of these
i nventions are stupid and pointless (the Pet Rock; Count
Chocula cereal; abstinence as a form of birth control). A lot of
them are fun (video games; board games; head games). Some
of them are convenient and make our lives easier (cheese
graters; beer widgets; toilet brushes). And, every so often, a
Truly Great Invention comes along that changes our culture
and the very way we live on this planet (irrigation; the printing
press; beer).
8 9
Bike_Snob_INT.indd 8-9
Of all the Truly Great Inventions, which one is the
greatest? Well, there’s no way to tell, as it’s all really just a
matter of opinion. But we can narrow it down. There’s a simple
litmus test you can use to tell a Truly Great Invention from a
regular invention. And that litmus test is the Amish.
The Amish have been “keeping it real” longer than
almost any other group of people in America, and they’ve done
so by shunning frivolous modern conveniences. Just a few of
the things the Amish refuse to use include:
electricity
zippers
telephones
automobiles
computers
speedboats
Nautilus equipment
plastic surgery
and Ludacris albums.
It might seem crazy to live a life without these things,
but if you really think about it you can do without all of them.
People managed for millennia without electricity, and they
were just fine (apart from all the darkness a n d c h o l e ra ) .
A l s o, z i p p e rs a re j u s t d a n g e ro u s b u tt o n s, t e l e phones are
satanic devices for spreading gossip that vibrate seductively
in your pocket (anything that vibrates is evil), automobiles
are simply buggies that are too stupid to avoid collisions
themselves if the driver falls asleep, and the rest of the items
on that list are just things people use to try to get other people
11/18/09 3:43:53 PM
 to have sex with them outside of wedlock. Do you really need to
spend your days flexing your Nautilus-toned arms while you
make gratuitous cell phone ca l l s t o yo u r f r i e n d s f ro m t h e
b ow o f yo u r s p e e d b o a t ? D o e s that somehow make you a
better person? I don’t think so.
Furthermore, the Amish don’t avoid all aspects of
modern life. They just avoid the ones they feel are damaging
to the soul. They will take advantage of the stuff that’s truly
great and useful and that isn’t just a tool for preening, vanity,
or looking at pornography. Some of these things include:
regular surgery of the non-plastic variety
medicine
refrigeration (kerosene-powered, not electric-powered)
and bicycles.
That’s right, Amish people will ride bicycles. They might
not post lengthy ride reports and photographs of their bicycles
to their blogs (Amish blogs are called “sermons”), they might
not stop at an espresso bar and sip caffeine from tiny cups
while they ogle women in short skirts like the Italians do,
and they certainly don’t zip on any skintight Lycra clothing.
But they will throw a leg over the saddle and pedal their
retro-grouchy asses down to the market for some cheese.
And to me, this says a lot. It says the Amish aren’t totally crazy.
It says maybe there’s some money to be made by growing a beard,
infiltrating the Amish community Harrison Ford—style,
and opening “Ye Olde Bike Shoppe.” But most importantly,
it says the bicycle is a Truly Great Invention.
And indeed it is. The Amish can resist Brad Pitt,
Angelina Jolie, pornography, ice-cold margaritas on tropical
b e a c h e s , d e s i g n e r d r u g s , f a s t c a r s ( a c t u a l l y, a l l c a r s ) ,
thong underwear, American Idol, Amazon.com, and sneakers.
10
Bike_Snob_INT.indd 10-11
But they can’t resist the bicycle. This is because the bicycle is a
Truly Great Invention.
A bicycle is a Truly Great Invention because it is
part of the entire range of human existence, from frivolity
to necessity. A bicycle, if understood correctly and used to its
full potential, is actually a key to a completely different, and in
many ways more rewarding, way of life. Sure, there are
limits to the ways in which you can use a bicycle, but those
limits are surprisingly few. A bicycle can give you the feeling of
freedom and speed you get from riding a motorcycle, the sense
of well-being and peace you get from meditating, the health
benefits you get from an afternoon in the gym, the sense of
self-expression you get from learning to play guitar, and the
feeling of victory you get from completing a marathon. It’s an
invention that was in many ways ahead of its time, and whose
time has finally come.
Like a computer, or a guitar, or a motorcycle, a bicycle
is also an invention you can misuse through ignorance. You can
miss out on its full potential (think using a computer only for
playing solitaire and looking at porn. I mean, you can do both
t h o s e t h i n g s, b u t yo u s h o u l d d o o t h e r s t u f f t o o ) . Yo u ca n
annoy others and look like a complete idiot (think the guy with
a Fender and a Marshall stack who has no idea how to play).
And, of course, you can die (everything you can do on a motorcycle
you can also do on a bicycle, including kill yourself ).
In the coming chapters, I will explore all of these
things—including the porn. So turn off the TV, stop fiddling
nervously with your zipper, tell your friend who’s calling you
from the speedboat that you’ll call back later, and enjoy one
Truly Great Invention through that lesser but still occasionally handy
invention—the written word.
11
11/18/09 3:43:53 PM
 to have sex with them outside of wedlock. Do you really need to
spend your days flexing your Nautilus-toned arms while you
make gratuitous cell phone ca l l s t o yo u r f r i e n d s f ro m t h e
b ow o f yo u r s p e e d b o a t ? D o e s that somehow make you a
better person? I don’t think so.
Furthermore, the Amish don’t avoid all aspects of
modern life. They just avoid the ones they feel are damaging
to the soul. They will take advantage of the stuff that’s truly
great and useful and that isn’t just a tool for preening, vanity,
or looking at pornography. Some of these things include:
regular surgery of the non-plastic variety
medicine
refrigeration (kerosene-powered, not electric-powered)
and bicycles.
That’s right, Amish people will ride bicycles. They might
not post lengthy ride reports and photographs of their bicycles
to their blogs (Amish blogs are called “sermons”), they might
not stop at an espresso bar and sip caffeine from tiny cups
while they ogle women in short skirts like the Italians do,
and they certainly don’t zip on any skintight Lycra clothing.
But they will throw a leg over the saddle and pedal their
retro-grouchy asses down to the market for some cheese.
And to me, this says a lot. It says the Amish aren’t totally crazy.
It says maybe there’s some money to be made by growing a beard,
infiltrating the Amish community Harrison Ford—style,
and opening “Ye Olde Bike Shoppe.” But most importantly,
it says the bicycle is a Truly Great Invention.
And indeed it is. The Amish can resist Brad Pitt,
Angelina Jolie, pornography, ice-cold margaritas on tropical
b e a c h e s , d e s i g n e r d r u g s , f a s t c a r s ( a c t u a l l y, a l l c a r s ) ,
thong underwear, American Idol, Amazon.com, and sneakers.
10
Bike_Snob_INT.indd 10-11
But they can’t resist the bicycle. This is because the bicycle is a
Truly Great Invention.
A bicycle is a Truly Great Invention because it is
part of the entire range of human existence, from frivolity
to necessity. A bicycle, if understood correctly and used to its
full potential, is actually a key to a completely different, and in
many ways more rewarding, way of life. Sure, there are
limits to the ways in which you can use a bicycle, but those
limits are surprisingly few. A bicycle can give you the feeling of
freedom and speed you get from riding a motorcycle, the sense
of well-being and peace you get from meditating, the health
benefits you get from an afternoon in the gym, the sense of
self-expression you get from learning to play guitar, and the
feeling of victory you get from completing a marathon. It’s an
invention that was in many ways ahead of its time, and whose
time has finally come.
Like a computer, or a guitar, or a motorcycle, a bicycle
is also an invention you can misuse through ignorance. You can
miss out on its full potential (think using a computer only for
playing solitaire and looking at porn. I mean, you can do both
t h o s e t h i n g s, b u t yo u s h o u l d d o o t h e r s t u f f t o o ) . Yo u ca n
annoy others and look like a complete idiot (think the guy with
a Fender and a Marshall stack who has no idea how to play).
And, of course, you can die (everything you can do on a motorcycle
you can also do on a bicycle, including kill yourself ).
In the coming chapters, I will explore all of these
things—including the porn. So turn off the TV, stop fiddling
nervously with your zipper, tell your friend who’s calling you
from the speedboat that you’ll call back later, and enjoy one
Truly Great Invention through that lesser but still occasionally handy
invention—the written word.
11
11/18/09 3:43:53 PM
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Bike_Snob_INT.indd 12-13 11/18/09 3:43:53 PM

 12 13

Bike_Snob_INT.indd 12-13 11/18/09 3:43:53 PM