Peer Review: Writing to Make an Observation

Directions: Please respond to the following questions in as much detail as possible. Pick a
bright color for your responses so they stand out from the questions. Make sure you offer
both positive and critical feedback.
Authors: list two or three questions or concerns you have about your draft that youd like to
discuss with your group. (Reviewers: Be sure to address these questions here)
It not detailed enough.
It doesnt have an intro.
Clarity
1. Point out any confusing words, sentences, or passages.
Krystal uses too many and/ also in the paper.
2. Were you able to follow the general direction of the essay easily or did it seem to
jump around? Explain.
I was able to follow the general direction of the essay. Just a lot of adverbs.
Persuasiveness
3. What types of evidence are included (research from appropriately scholarly text
sources and/or an interview with an expert)?
Krystal has examples her aunt told her.
4. Is this evidence persuasive? Does it teach you anything, the way The Overprotected
Kid taught us about the history of playgrounds and the effects of childhood
experiences on the adult psyche? If so, what?
Yes, it gives a good persuasive feeling because it talks on how massage therapist
make a lot of money. It just doesnt give wages.
Concrete Details
5. Point out places where the writer effectively uses concrete, sensory details from their
observation to illuminate their ideas (to make their topic come alive). Point out places
where they could include additional imagery.
Yes, she uses a lot of details on what and how a massage therapist work.
Strength of Introduction and Conclusion
6. Does the introduction/hook create interest or is it too vague? Why?
Yes it creates interest because it starts off by telling the reader how hard massage
therapy can be.
7. Does the conclusion discuss the so what? factor? Does it show why this topic is
important to explore, what the writer learned about it, and why is it important for
others to learn about it?
It doesnt discuss the so what factor. She need more reasons on why a person
should be a massage therapist.
Most Successful Passage
8. Choose a passage (1-4 sentences) and explain why it is successful.
According to my aunt, there are a lot of advantages in massage therapy. For example, you
dont have to worry about being tied down to one specific areanumber of clients you see
Krystals last paragraph gives detail about how being a massage therapist isnt only about
sticking to one assignment, she gives you more concrete details which is better if she
expands the paragraph.
Structure

9. Does each body paragraph focus on a single point? Summarize, in a word or two, the
topic of each body paragraph.
Yes, each paragraph talks about what she mentions in the beginning of them.
10. If the answer to #9 is no, which body paragraphs include multiple ideas that should
be broken up into multiple paragraphs?
Style
11. Is the language in the essay appropriately formal? Offer examples from the text to
illustrate.
Not all the language in the parapgraphs are formal she uses too many adverbs that
throws the flow of the reading off.
Next Steps
12. Work with the writer to devise a plan for revision. Summarize the writers next steps
here.
Your next step for this writing is to be more precise and organized in each paragraph.
Other
13. Note any other questions or feedback you have for the writer here. This is

important: since every paper is unique, they will each have their own successes
and concerns that may not be addressed above.
I love how the passage organization is somewhat time sequence and has a little
cause and effect in it.

English 0492

Peer Review: Writing to Make an Observation

10 Mar. 2014