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Effie At The Wedding
Effie At The Wedding © 2011 by Tracy Marchini. Published by Squirrel Books. All rights reserved.
Effie At The Wedding
There are several reasons that I, Effie Green, don’t want to go to this wedding. First, I am dressed in a hideously pink silk dress. I didn’t even get this girlie at junior prom, and now my sister wants me to gently glide down the aisle in a pink so fluorescent that even the 80s would have rejected it. I’ve told Ophelia at least eight times that her pictures are going to look as if someone threw up radioactive Pepto-Bismol all over the place. She remains unconcerned. Secondly, I could sense that something was going to happen with Evan at Lisa’s party tonight. But now I’ll never know because I’ll be eating mini-hot dogs with a bunch of relatives I haven’t seen since I was growing out of my grade school uniforms at a rate of one per month. Lastly, when Ophelia gets married that means that George will officially become my brother-in-law.
The church is decorated in white daisies and long, pink silk banners. I stepped on the flower petals left behind by the flower girl as I walked up the aisle, trying to step on an equal number with my left and right foot. I tightened my lips and forced a halfgrimace (instead of a full one) towards George, before taking my seat in the front pew. I’m sure church bells are ringing, but my mother’s sobs are just loud enough to drown out everything but my own thoughts.
5 (Totally Selfish) Reasons I Do Not Want George As A Brother-In-Law
5.) My sister is only 20, and he is 29. That means he’s almost thirty, which means that when she’s forty, he’ll be almost fifty, and then when she’s fifty, he’ll be almost sixty. Too old.
4.) He just graduated med school. People never see their spouses when one is a doctor. And on Grey’s Anatomy, the doctors are always sleeping with the other doctors and nurses. Ophelia is cute, but she can’t compete with a tall, blonde-haired millionaire doctor. (Sorry, Ophelia.)
3.) He’s too nice. Nice is lame. Ophelia will be SO BORED when she’s like, 23 and realizes that her older, doctor boyfriend is too busy saving lives and golfing to go out clubbing.
2.) He’s too good looking. Again, the nurses are bound to fall in love with him.
1.) I will never be able to bring a boyfriend home without him also being a goodlooking, well mannered doctor. Which means that I am going to be single for the rest of my life, while my sister and her husband make lots of good-looking doctor babies. I will have lots of cats.
George and Ophelia are sitting next to each other on the altar while the Priest talks to us all about how we have to be open and honest with each other to make a
It could have been worse. My stomach drops every time the Priest tells them that they’re looking at their new family.) And when I used to cut off all the hair on my Barbies. He tended to talk with food flying out of his mouth. and I once caught him going through Ophelia’s underwear drawer. but that’s probably also because she’s getting us the vodka. I looked at the two of them. she would try to make Barbie wigs with pieces of felt. Brian and Ophelia broke up when she was my age. everyone circled my mom and I. (In the end. she won’t be worried about who might ask me to senior prom or have time to read my college application essays. standing face to face and saying their “I do’s. Ophelia probably wasn’t the best big sister in the world.relationship work long-term. Brian always gave me the creeps. When I was in sixth grade she taught me how to shave my legs. (I have the scars to this day. . I had twelve bald Barbies with pieces of orange felt super-glued to their heads. She hasn’t ratted on my friends and I for drinking in the basement. he was the one to dump Ophelia because he actually found a second girl that wanted to date him. I thought she might marry her boyfriend before George. But amazingly. She’s going to be making dinner and doing dishes and thinking about going back to school herself now that George is almost finished with his residency. but she definitely wasn’t the worst.” I sighed. Seriously! At the reception. He always smelled like dirty laundry and used to crack the stupidest jokes.) But when Ophelia leaves.
but didn’t have the nerve to try and order a real drink. My Aunt Mia turned to me. I went to the bar. is there a special boy in your life?” She gave me one of those smiles and I knew she was thinking wouldn’t that be cute. My mom laughed. don’t you dear? And she’ll have even more soon. when I’m back on Weight Watchers. “I’m going to be a nun. “Why so glum?” he asked. Either way. He nodded and passed one over. as in. so that didn’t count.” I said. “Effie has boys calling all the time. the boy she was referring to was Robbie. He was the only reason I’d been invited to Lisa’s party in the first place.“He’s perfect!” “She’s beautiful!” “You must be so proud!” I looked sideways at my mother. Ophelia rushed over and gave Aunt Mira a big hug.” I scowled. who was beaming. my long time boy-that-is-afriend. Soon. but suddenly felt selfconscious about spilling my guts to someone who was clearly not much older than . “Go!” she mouthed to me. and I hastily made my escape.” I said to the freckle-faced boy at the bar. I was just about to tell him that it was my sister’s wedding. “A coke. “So.
3a. .) On the other hand.myself. “You’re going to be an excellent bartender when you’re older. who has terrible taste in bridesmaids’ dresses. locked the door. nodding to people who I think I’m supposed to know. closed the toilet lid and just sat there. which would have made her Shakespeare-loving sister extremely happy. sipping my Coke. Some mirrors had little tables that jutted out from the wall. It had rooms instead of stalls and a separate dressing room with mirrors that covered the full length of the walls. crying against a coke on the rocks? So not going to happen. I shuffled between wedding guests. has excellent taste in bathrooms. and finally made it to the women’s room. I took my coke and headed to the bathroom.) This might have saved her from a bad swim in the river though.) She never dated a guy named Hamlet. How terrible would it be to be pouring my heart out to the bartender. she could have dated the Prince of Denmark. I opened the door and let out a gasp. 3b. with plush purple velvet chairs placed beneath them. which is higher in rank than a doctor. Ophelia.” I said. Three (Totally Selfish) Reasons Why Ophelia Should Not Get Married Right Now 3. The bathroom in this hotel was fancier than any public (or private) restroom I’d ever been in. I went into one of the stalls/rooms.
dear? You don’t want to spend your whole reception in the bathroom. of course.” Mom and Ophelia laughed and I heard a door shut behind them. But you’ll be fine. “She’s probably at the buffet. “We’ll miss you. once a year. they moved to Florida. My mom blew her nose again – a great big honk. the stall doors went down to the floor so nobody could see my feet. “My girls are growing up so fast. “Are you sure?” It was Ophelia. Robbie only sees his brother like.” Ophelia said.” “Where is Effie?” Ophelia asked. Luckily. When Robbie’s older brother got married. . There was a loud nose-blow. That’s what they all say.) Ophelia has only dated three guys.2.) You can’t double date with your older sister if she’s married. It was my mother. 1. I snorted. I heard the door to the main bathroom open.” “I’ll visit all the time. What if George isn’t the one and she doesn’t know and she’s divorced by 25? Then she’ll have to move back home when I would have already moved out. Are you ready to go back. Probably at the buffet. We’ll be fine. That’s just weird.
I sat back down on the toilet lid. took the knob in both hands and tried to pull it to the right. 1. Nobody answered.2 More Selfish Reasons Ophelia Should Not Leave 2. I reached for the lock on the bathroom door.) I need her home to be my big sister. anyway. I banged on the door. It was a silver deadbolt. flailing my arms into the cup of coke. I wasn’t worried about the dress – I was never going to wear it again. the Cabbage Soup diet and whatever else my mom decides is best for me. I kicked the door. “Damn it!” I yelled. Nothing. frantically throwing the sides of my fists in front of me. and it wouldn’t budge. I’m going to be stuck in the bathroom for the rest of Ophelia’s reception. 3 Reasons Why It Sucks to Be Locked In A Bathroom During Your Sister’s Reception . It still wouldn’t budge. which flew off the toilet paper roll and all down the side of my hideously pink dress. I propped my coke on the toilet paper roll. and wiped my sugar-coated right arm on my dress skirt.) I need her home to save me from Weight Watchers.
(Shut up.) Your sister won’t even notice you weren’t there. she and I used to do a Friday night dinner. I didn’t really know Robbie at that point. But I thought he was cute. One of the things we never talked about. We would talk about some of our mutual high school friends. I smiled and nodded and pretended like I didn’t know what he was really saying. was what I was eating.(Even If You’re Not Thrilled She’s Getting Married.) You can’t catch the bouquet. before Ophelia was all about flowers and centerpieces and which color pink would look best on her bridesmaids. He was saying that he . (I’m sorry. My stomach growled. who was dating who. and so when I was talking to Ophelia in the hallway and he stopped to ask for earth science help. At least one Friday a week. When I was a freshman and Ophelia was a senior. Before Ophelia was consumed in wedding-related bullshit.) 2. I invited him to come with us.) You’re going to miss the cake. I like cake. But I did.) 3. he was just some guy that sat next to me in science lab. the next day in lab all he could talk about was how pretty Ophelia was. and now I was going to miss the buffet and the cake. I invited Robbie to join us. I just don’t care if the centerpieces are six inches tall or eight inches tall!) Anyway. Or how much I was eating. I hadn’t had a chance to grab dinner before going to the ladies room. Of course. 1. and how he’d never guess we were sisters (read: Ophelia is skinny). or how she liked working at the hospital. further solidifying your existence as a future cat lady. I could eat guilt-free.
It was fine. Grandma started to cough again. I heard the hacking cough of my grandmother. we’re still second-best-friends. Instinctively. and poke at my fat with the other. or frantically waving .” she’d say while we were sitting around the kitchen table. It always amuses me the way my grandmother can puff on a cigarette in one hand.” I had the balls to say once. I froze and listened. Grandma didn’t speak to me for a week. brace-faced plain Jane. “So does smoking. now that Ophelia’s bestfriend is George. She was like one of those parachute-like blow-ups they put outside of car dealerships. She clearly wasn’t interested in Robbie. She could never just sit still.couldn’t understand how one sister could be so beautiful. Probably best-friends. while I could hear my Aunt tapping her heels. and the other one a slightly overweight. I didn’t blame Ophelia… much. And even though my stomach still drops a little every time Robbie mentions her name. “Obesity kills. she was always swaying. I heard the music get a bit louder as the door swung open. you know. “Isn’t Ophelia beautiful?” I heard a gravelly voice ask.
” Grandma said. like one of the giant waving nylon tubes that had the fan on too low.” 3 Reasons It Might Not Be Horrendous to Spend the Rest of the Night in the Bathroom 3. Grandma and Aunt Rosie had already left. a puff of smoke and a plethora of “hawwwwt’s” in their wake.) Nobody would see that the butt of my dress was now soaked from the toilet sweating.) I wouldn’t have to listen to my Aunt talk about “hawwwwt divorshay’s. “you’ve got as good a chance as any of the rest of us.) Sometimes I wonder – is this really my life? 1 b. beautiful. or tapping her feet. she was usually falling over. 1 a.) I could avoid my grandmother and mother.) I think my business cards will one day read. huh mom? Think I’m still young enough to get me a doctor? Maybe a hot divorcé.her arms.” Aunt Rosie was slurring so it came out as “hawwwwwt divorshay.” “Well. 1. Aunt Rosie (who was recently single) cleared her throat. are you in here?” . She’s the only one in the family that got good genes. “Effie Green: Big Embarrassing Mess.” 2.” “Effie?” I heard Ophelia calling from outside the door. “Yeah. “Effie. During family reunions.
and the big pink tulle skirt spread out around the bathroom stall like a cotton candy machine exploded. and let out a gasp. “what are you doing in there?” I looked at her in her bridal gown – a beautiful white satin mermaid dress with little lace sleeves. I reached up to unlock the door. . I’m sure I looked like the big mess that I felt . I heard a small. otherwise I’m going to kill half of our relatives. and held up three fingers. Two. hung from her neck.sugar from the coke crusted on my right arm and a giant stain set into the skirt. “I’m just thinking. Ophelia shook her head. Ophelia pushed open the door. making it shake in the frame. and one you’re my maid of honor. a wedding gift from George.” I crossed my arms. Her auburn hair was pulled up into tight curls. “Get out of the bathroom stall.” Ophelia took a deep breath.” I stepped up to the sink and washed the coke off my arm. Figures. “Give me three reasons. mechanical click.” she said. I guess. you’re missing the reception which I paid mucho dollars for.Ophelia pounded on the door.” I said. and this time the deadbolt moved smoothly. “Three. and a diamond necklace. “Effie. I need your help. hair hanging limply around my face. it’s starting to look like you live in there.
” Ophelia took a step back. Three Reasons I’m Glad I Didn’t Spend Ophelia’s Reception in the Bathroom 3. “No more lists. Not today.) I caught the bouquet. Three-“ Ophelia wrapped her arms around me before I could finish the first reason. 2. (Hey. she had her chance. This is the biggest day of my life.) 1. wrestling it away from Aunt Rosie. We will not be inviting George or my boy-that-is-afriend.) Ophelia and I made plans to resume our Friday “sister dinners” the first Friday she got back from her honeymoon.“Three reasons why I’ll be better off living in the bathroom. Effie.) I ate cake and there was nothing mom could say about it. . Robbie. I want you to be a part of it. “Why is your ass wet? Did you sit in the toilet?” “Gross!” I said.
Asking Robbie out during a family gathering though. instead of what her feelings should be. The Engine Driver (Dystopian YA Short Story) – Sixteen-year-old Brig has never been allowed to hear a sad song in her entire life. When one of the dorkiest kids in school . But for Brig. All that Effie wants for Christmas this year is to go out on her first date with Robbie – her boy-that-is-a-friend. Hot Ticket (Middle Grade Mystery) – Juliet Robinson is the only sixth grader in John Jay Jr. but Effie is only halfconcerned about the fact that her sister may or may not be hiding the fact that she’s pregnant. isn’t quite as easy as it seems. a song in a minor key will never be played.from when she's happy or sad. is chosen to go to Musician’s School and is given a Permit to Carry a musical instrument. Brig knows that she has just this one chance to hear a sad song. Annaby.Crammit Gibson . a love song – or a song that matches what her depression feels like. When her friend.Other Works By This Author George & Ophelia’s First Christmas: An Effie Short Story (Contemporary YA) – It’s George and Ophelia’s first Christmas as a married couple. With the help of her best friend . Like everyone else in her community. to when she falls in love. High who hasn't received a "hot ticket" from the mysterious ticket dispenser.receives a ticket before she does. the personal Playlist Treatment Plan that plays in her head is designed to control her emotions . Juliet decides that the ticketing system has to stop. who suffers from depression.
More information about her and her critique services can be found at www.com. crafting fiction and nonfiction. a newspaper correspondent and a freelance copywriter. . as a children's book reviewer. publishing terms. ebooks and audiobooks. wholesalers.tracymarchini. including contract and royalty terms.Lucy. a Daria-esque Madeline and her almost-crush Crammit. trade events and social networking. she worked at a literary agency. Before launching her own editorial service. retailers. Juliet is determined to climb a few rungs on the middle school social ladder and catch the ticket dispenser once and for all! Pub Speak: A Writer’s Dictionary of Publishing Terms (Reference) – Pub Speak is a dictionary for both new and established authors that contains over 400 definitions. writer’s organizations. book clubs. About The Author Tracy Marchini is a freelance writer and editorial consultant.
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