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Effie At The Wedding
Effie At The Wedding © 2011 by Tracy Marchini. Published by Squirrel Books. All rights reserved.
Effie At The Wedding
There are several reasons that I, Effie Green, don’t want to go to this wedding. First, I am dressed in a hideously pink silk dress. I didn’t even get this girlie at junior prom, and now my sister wants me to gently glide down the aisle in a pink so fluorescent that even the 80s would have rejected it. I’ve told Ophelia at least eight times that her pictures are going to look as if someone threw up radioactive Pepto-Bismol all over the place. She remains unconcerned. Secondly, I could sense that something was going to happen with Evan at Lisa’s party tonight. But now I’ll never know because I’ll be eating mini-hot dogs with a bunch of relatives I haven’t seen since I was growing out of my grade school uniforms at a rate of one per month. Lastly, when Ophelia gets married that means that George will officially become my brother-in-law.
The church is decorated in white daisies and long, pink silk banners. I stepped on the flower petals left behind by the flower girl as I walked up the aisle, trying to step on an equal number with my left and right foot. I tightened my lips and forced a halfgrimace (instead of a full one) towards George, before taking my seat in the front pew. I’m sure church bells are ringing, but my mother’s sobs are just loud enough to drown out everything but my own thoughts.
5 (Totally Selfish) Reasons I Do Not Want George As A Brother-In-Law
5.) My sister is only 20, and he is 29. That means he’s almost thirty, which means that when she’s forty, he’ll be almost fifty, and then when she’s fifty, he’ll be almost sixty. Too old.
4.) He just graduated med school. People never see their spouses when one is a doctor. And on Grey’s Anatomy, the doctors are always sleeping with the other doctors and nurses. Ophelia is cute, but she can’t compete with a tall, blonde-haired millionaire doctor. (Sorry, Ophelia.)
3.) He’s too nice. Nice is lame. Ophelia will be SO BORED when she’s like, 23 and realizes that her older, doctor boyfriend is too busy saving lives and golfing to go out clubbing.
2.) He’s too good looking. Again, the nurses are bound to fall in love with him.
1.) I will never be able to bring a boyfriend home without him also being a goodlooking, well mannered doctor. Which means that I am going to be single for the rest of my life, while my sister and her husband make lots of good-looking doctor babies. I will have lots of cats.
George and Ophelia are sitting next to each other on the altar while the Priest talks to us all about how we have to be open and honest with each other to make a
she would try to make Barbie wigs with pieces of felt. I looked at the two of them. Seriously! At the reception. (In the end. standing face to face and saying their “I do’s. Ophelia probably wasn’t the best big sister in the world.relationship work long-term. When I was in sixth grade she taught me how to shave my legs. But amazingly. He tended to talk with food flying out of his mouth. Brian always gave me the creeps. I thought she might marry her boyfriend before George. he was the one to dump Ophelia because he actually found a second girl that wanted to date him. He always smelled like dirty laundry and used to crack the stupidest jokes. . but she definitely wasn’t the worst. and I once caught him going through Ophelia’s underwear drawer.) And when I used to cut off all the hair on my Barbies. I had twelve bald Barbies with pieces of orange felt super-glued to their heads.” I sighed. she won’t be worried about who might ask me to senior prom or have time to read my college application essays. Brian and Ophelia broke up when she was my age. everyone circled my mom and I. but that’s probably also because she’s getting us the vodka. She hasn’t ratted on my friends and I for drinking in the basement.) But when Ophelia leaves. (I have the scars to this day. My stomach drops every time the Priest tells them that they’re looking at their new family. She’s going to be making dinner and doing dishes and thinking about going back to school herself now that George is almost finished with his residency. It could have been worse.
My Aunt Mia turned to me. who was beaming.” I said. “So.” I said to the freckle-faced boy at the bar. Soon. and I hastily made my escape. so that didn’t count. “A coke. but didn’t have the nerve to try and order a real drink. the boy she was referring to was Robbie. “Go!” she mouthed to me. He nodded and passed one over. my long time boy-that-is-afriend. as in. My mom laughed.” I scowled. “Why so glum?” he asked.“He’s perfect!” “She’s beautiful!” “You must be so proud!” I looked sideways at my mother. I was just about to tell him that it was my sister’s wedding. Either way. “I’m going to be a nun. is there a special boy in your life?” She gave me one of those smiles and I knew she was thinking wouldn’t that be cute. “Effie has boys calling all the time. but suddenly felt selfconscious about spilling my guts to someone who was clearly not much older than . Ophelia rushed over and gave Aunt Mira a big hug. He was the only reason I’d been invited to Lisa’s party in the first place. don’t you dear? And she’ll have even more soon. when I’m back on Weight Watchers. I went to the bar.
closed the toilet lid and just sat there.” I said. I opened the door and let out a gasp. I went into one of the stalls/rooms. . Three (Totally Selfish) Reasons Why Ophelia Should Not Get Married Right Now 3. nodding to people who I think I’m supposed to know. and finally made it to the women’s room. It had rooms instead of stalls and a separate dressing room with mirrors that covered the full length of the walls. Some mirrors had little tables that jutted out from the wall. sipping my Coke. crying against a coke on the rocks? So not going to happen. has excellent taste in bathrooms. “You’re going to be an excellent bartender when you’re older.) She never dated a guy named Hamlet. which would have made her Shakespeare-loving sister extremely happy. which is higher in rank than a doctor. she could have dated the Prince of Denmark. I took my coke and headed to the bathroom.) On the other hand. 3a. I shuffled between wedding guests. who has terrible taste in bridesmaids’ dresses. Ophelia.) This might have saved her from a bad swim in the river though.myself. The bathroom in this hotel was fancier than any public (or private) restroom I’d ever been in. 3b. How terrible would it be to be pouring my heart out to the bartender. with plush purple velvet chairs placed beneath them. locked the door.
they moved to Florida. I heard the door to the main bathroom open. When Robbie’s older brother got married. “Are you sure?” It was Ophelia. I snorted.) You can’t double date with your older sister if she’s married. 1.) Ophelia has only dated three guys.” “Where is Effie?” Ophelia asked. dear? You don’t want to spend your whole reception in the bathroom. That’s what they all say. of course. My mom blew her nose again – a great big honk. “We’ll miss you.” “I’ll visit all the time. “She’s probably at the buffet. That’s just weird. Luckily. the stall doors went down to the floor so nobody could see my feet. We’ll be fine. But you’ll be fine. Are you ready to go back. . Robbie only sees his brother like. There was a loud nose-blow.” Ophelia said. “My girls are growing up so fast.” Mom and Ophelia laughed and I heard a door shut behind them. Probably at the buffet. What if George isn’t the one and she doesn’t know and she’s divorced by 25? Then she’ll have to move back home when I would have already moved out. once a year. It was my mother.2.
and it wouldn’t budge. which flew off the toilet paper roll and all down the side of my hideously pink dress. I banged on the door. took the knob in both hands and tried to pull it to the right. I wasn’t worried about the dress – I was never going to wear it again.) I need her home to be my big sister. Nothing. I propped my coke on the toilet paper roll. 3 Reasons Why It Sucks to Be Locked In A Bathroom During Your Sister’s Reception . It was a silver deadbolt. frantically throwing the sides of my fists in front of me. 1. I kicked the door. It still wouldn’t budge. the Cabbage Soup diet and whatever else my mom decides is best for me. I’m going to be stuck in the bathroom for the rest of Ophelia’s reception. “Damn it!” I yelled. anyway. and wiped my sugar-coated right arm on my dress skirt.2 More Selfish Reasons Ophelia Should Not Leave 2. Nobody answered. I reached for the lock on the bathroom door. I sat back down on the toilet lid.) I need her home to save me from Weight Watchers. flailing my arms into the cup of coke.
was what I was eating. I didn’t really know Robbie at that point. before Ophelia was all about flowers and centerpieces and which color pink would look best on her bridesmaids. My stomach growled. I like cake. who was dating who. I smiled and nodded and pretended like I didn’t know what he was really saying. she and I used to do a Friday night dinner. the next day in lab all he could talk about was how pretty Ophelia was. Of course. He was saying that he . (Shut up. I invited him to come with us. Before Ophelia was consumed in wedding-related bullshit.) 3. One of the things we never talked about. or how she liked working at the hospital.(Even If You’re Not Thrilled She’s Getting Married. and how he’d never guess we were sisters (read: Ophelia is skinny). I invited Robbie to join us. At least one Friday a week. further solidifying your existence as a future cat lady. When I was a freshman and Ophelia was a senior.) 2.) You can’t catch the bouquet. (I’m sorry. I could eat guilt-free. and so when I was talking to Ophelia in the hallway and he stopped to ask for earth science help.) Your sister won’t even notice you weren’t there. 1. I hadn’t had a chance to grab dinner before going to the ladies room. Or how much I was eating. But I thought he was cute. But I did. and now I was going to miss the buffet and the cake. I just don’t care if the centerpieces are six inches tall or eight inches tall!) Anyway. he was just some guy that sat next to me in science lab. We would talk about some of our mutual high school friends.) You’re going to miss the cake.
I heard the hacking cough of my grandmother.” I had the balls to say once. she was always swaying. Probably best-friends. “So does smoking. “Isn’t Ophelia beautiful?” I heard a gravelly voice ask. or frantically waving .couldn’t understand how one sister could be so beautiful. we’re still second-best-friends. Grandma started to cough again. I heard the music get a bit louder as the door swung open. and the other one a slightly overweight. I didn’t blame Ophelia… much. It was fine. brace-faced plain Jane. I froze and listened. “Obesity kills. and poke at my fat with the other.” she’d say while we were sitting around the kitchen table. And even though my stomach still drops a little every time Robbie mentions her name. you know. It always amuses me the way my grandmother can puff on a cigarette in one hand. She clearly wasn’t interested in Robbie. now that Ophelia’s bestfriend is George. She was like one of those parachute-like blow-ups they put outside of car dealerships. while I could hear my Aunt tapping her heels. She could never just sit still. Grandma didn’t speak to me for a week. Instinctively.
” Grandma said. “Effie. like one of the giant waving nylon tubes that had the fan on too low.her arms. She’s the only one in the family that got good genes. 1 a.” “Effie?” I heard Ophelia calling from outside the door. are you in here?” . huh mom? Think I’m still young enough to get me a doctor? Maybe a hot divorcé.) Nobody would see that the butt of my dress was now soaked from the toilet sweating. or tapping her feet. “you’ve got as good a chance as any of the rest of us.” Aunt Rosie was slurring so it came out as “hawwwwwt divorshay. a puff of smoke and a plethora of “hawwwwt’s” in their wake.) Sometimes I wonder – is this really my life? 1 b.) I wouldn’t have to listen to my Aunt talk about “hawwwwt divorshay’s. she was usually falling over. Grandma and Aunt Rosie had already left. “Effie Green: Big Embarrassing Mess.” 3 Reasons It Might Not Be Horrendous to Spend the Rest of the Night in the Bathroom 3.) I could avoid my grandmother and mother.” “Well.) I think my business cards will one day read. Aunt Rosie (who was recently single) cleared her throat. “Yeah. 1. During family reunions. beautiful.” 2.
hung from her neck.” I crossed my arms. Her auburn hair was pulled up into tight curls. Figures. Ophelia shook her head. “Give me three reasons. “Three. mechanical click. and let out a gasp. and the big pink tulle skirt spread out around the bathroom stall like a cotton candy machine exploded. otherwise I’m going to kill half of our relatives. I heard a small.” I said. a wedding gift from George. Ophelia pushed open the door.Ophelia pounded on the door. making it shake in the frame. and this time the deadbolt moved smoothly. I guess.sugar from the coke crusted on my right arm and a giant stain set into the skirt. “I’m just thinking. . and held up three fingers. and one you’re my maid of honor. I need your help. and a diamond necklace.” I stepped up to the sink and washed the coke off my arm. you’re missing the reception which I paid mucho dollars for.” she said.” Ophelia took a deep breath. Two. I reached up to unlock the door. it’s starting to look like you live in there. hair hanging limply around my face. I’m sure I looked like the big mess that I felt . “what are you doing in there?” I looked at her in her bridal gown – a beautiful white satin mermaid dress with little lace sleeves. “Effie. “Get out of the bathroom stall.
) I caught the bouquet. “No more lists. “Why is your ass wet? Did you sit in the toilet?” “Gross!” I said. (Hey. This is the biggest day of my life. I want you to be a part of it. Three Reasons I’m Glad I Didn’t Spend Ophelia’s Reception in the Bathroom 3. Effie. We will not be inviting George or my boy-that-is-afriend. she had her chance. Three-“ Ophelia wrapped her arms around me before I could finish the first reason. wrestling it away from Aunt Rosie. Robbie. 2.) I ate cake and there was nothing mom could say about it.“Three reasons why I’ll be better off living in the bathroom. Not today.) Ophelia and I made plans to resume our Friday “sister dinners” the first Friday she got back from her honeymoon.” Ophelia took a step back.) 1. .
who suffers from depression. But for Brig. Juliet decides that the ticketing system has to stop.from when she's happy or sad. Brig knows that she has just this one chance to hear a sad song. The Engine Driver (Dystopian YA Short Story) – Sixteen-year-old Brig has never been allowed to hear a sad song in her entire life. Hot Ticket (Middle Grade Mystery) – Juliet Robinson is the only sixth grader in John Jay Jr. the personal Playlist Treatment Plan that plays in her head is designed to control her emotions .Crammit Gibson . Asking Robbie out during a family gathering though. is chosen to go to Musician’s School and is given a Permit to Carry a musical instrument. With the help of her best friend . isn’t quite as easy as it seems.Other Works By This Author George & Ophelia’s First Christmas: An Effie Short Story (Contemporary YA) – It’s George and Ophelia’s first Christmas as a married couple. Like everyone else in her community.receives a ticket before she does. When one of the dorkiest kids in school . Annaby. to when she falls in love. a love song – or a song that matches what her depression feels like. High who hasn't received a "hot ticket" from the mysterious ticket dispenser. When her friend. All that Effie wants for Christmas this year is to go out on her first date with Robbie – her boy-that-is-a-friend. a song in a minor key will never be played. instead of what her feelings should be. but Effie is only halfconcerned about the fact that her sister may or may not be hiding the fact that she’s pregnant.
as a children's book reviewer. a Daria-esque Madeline and her almost-crush Crammit. a newspaper correspondent and a freelance copywriter. retailers. publishing terms. wholesalers. More information about her and her critique services can be found at www. Before launching her own editorial service. including contract and royalty terms. . writer’s organizations. ebooks and audiobooks.tracymarchini. Juliet is determined to climb a few rungs on the middle school social ladder and catch the ticket dispenser once and for all! Pub Speak: A Writer’s Dictionary of Publishing Terms (Reference) – Pub Speak is a dictionary for both new and established authors that contains over 400 definitions.Lucy.com. crafting fiction and nonfiction. About The Author Tracy Marchini is a freelance writer and editorial consultant. book clubs. trade events and social networking. she worked at a literary agency.
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