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Effie At The Wedding
Effie At The Wedding © 2011 by Tracy Marchini. Published by Squirrel Books. All rights reserved.
Effie At The Wedding
There are several reasons that I, Effie Green, don’t want to go to this wedding. First, I am dressed in a hideously pink silk dress. I didn’t even get this girlie at junior prom, and now my sister wants me to gently glide down the aisle in a pink so fluorescent that even the 80s would have rejected it. I’ve told Ophelia at least eight times that her pictures are going to look as if someone threw up radioactive Pepto-Bismol all over the place. She remains unconcerned. Secondly, I could sense that something was going to happen with Evan at Lisa’s party tonight. But now I’ll never know because I’ll be eating mini-hot dogs with a bunch of relatives I haven’t seen since I was growing out of my grade school uniforms at a rate of one per month. Lastly, when Ophelia gets married that means that George will officially become my brother-in-law.
The church is decorated in white daisies and long, pink silk banners. I stepped on the flower petals left behind by the flower girl as I walked up the aisle, trying to step on an equal number with my left and right foot. I tightened my lips and forced a halfgrimace (instead of a full one) towards George, before taking my seat in the front pew. I’m sure church bells are ringing, but my mother’s sobs are just loud enough to drown out everything but my own thoughts.
5 (Totally Selfish) Reasons I Do Not Want George As A Brother-In-Law
5.) My sister is only 20, and he is 29. That means he’s almost thirty, which means that when she’s forty, he’ll be almost fifty, and then when she’s fifty, he’ll be almost sixty. Too old.
4.) He just graduated med school. People never see their spouses when one is a doctor. And on Grey’s Anatomy, the doctors are always sleeping with the other doctors and nurses. Ophelia is cute, but she can’t compete with a tall, blonde-haired millionaire doctor. (Sorry, Ophelia.)
3.) He’s too nice. Nice is lame. Ophelia will be SO BORED when she’s like, 23 and realizes that her older, doctor boyfriend is too busy saving lives and golfing to go out clubbing.
2.) He’s too good looking. Again, the nurses are bound to fall in love with him.
1.) I will never be able to bring a boyfriend home without him also being a goodlooking, well mannered doctor. Which means that I am going to be single for the rest of my life, while my sister and her husband make lots of good-looking doctor babies. I will have lots of cats.
George and Ophelia are sitting next to each other on the altar while the Priest talks to us all about how we have to be open and honest with each other to make a
she would try to make Barbie wigs with pieces of felt. but she definitely wasn’t the worst. everyone circled my mom and I.) But when Ophelia leaves. Seriously! At the reception.) And when I used to cut off all the hair on my Barbies. It could have been worse. standing face to face and saying their “I do’s. She hasn’t ratted on my friends and I for drinking in the basement. he was the one to dump Ophelia because he actually found a second girl that wanted to date him. But amazingly. He always smelled like dirty laundry and used to crack the stupidest jokes. Brian and Ophelia broke up when she was my age. . (In the end. He tended to talk with food flying out of his mouth. (I have the scars to this day.relationship work long-term. but that’s probably also because she’s getting us the vodka. I thought she might marry her boyfriend before George. I looked at the two of them. and I once caught him going through Ophelia’s underwear drawer. I had twelve bald Barbies with pieces of orange felt super-glued to their heads. She’s going to be making dinner and doing dishes and thinking about going back to school herself now that George is almost finished with his residency.” I sighed. When I was in sixth grade she taught me how to shave my legs. Brian always gave me the creeps. My stomach drops every time the Priest tells them that they’re looking at their new family. she won’t be worried about who might ask me to senior prom or have time to read my college application essays. Ophelia probably wasn’t the best big sister in the world.
“So.“He’s perfect!” “She’s beautiful!” “You must be so proud!” I looked sideways at my mother. but didn’t have the nerve to try and order a real drink. when I’m back on Weight Watchers. My Aunt Mia turned to me. “Go!” she mouthed to me. “Effie has boys calling all the time. “I’m going to be a nun.” I said to the freckle-faced boy at the bar. so that didn’t count. “Why so glum?” he asked. my long time boy-that-is-afriend.” I said. the boy she was referring to was Robbie. Either way. don’t you dear? And she’ll have even more soon. Soon. but suddenly felt selfconscious about spilling my guts to someone who was clearly not much older than . I went to the bar. “A coke. as in. is there a special boy in your life?” She gave me one of those smiles and I knew she was thinking wouldn’t that be cute. Ophelia rushed over and gave Aunt Mira a big hug.” I scowled. My mom laughed. He nodded and passed one over. He was the only reason I’d been invited to Lisa’s party in the first place. who was beaming. I was just about to tell him that it was my sister’s wedding. and I hastily made my escape.
crying against a coke on the rocks? So not going to happen. I shuffled between wedding guests. she could have dated the Prince of Denmark. with plush purple velvet chairs placed beneath them. I went into one of the stalls/rooms.) She never dated a guy named Hamlet. Some mirrors had little tables that jutted out from the wall. and finally made it to the women’s room. closed the toilet lid and just sat there. 3b. It had rooms instead of stalls and a separate dressing room with mirrors that covered the full length of the walls. sipping my Coke. locked the door. which is higher in rank than a doctor. which would have made her Shakespeare-loving sister extremely happy.) On the other hand.) This might have saved her from a bad swim in the river though. I opened the door and let out a gasp. The bathroom in this hotel was fancier than any public (or private) restroom I’d ever been in. has excellent taste in bathrooms. I took my coke and headed to the bathroom.” I said. Ophelia. 3a. “You’re going to be an excellent bartender when you’re older. Three (Totally Selfish) Reasons Why Ophelia Should Not Get Married Right Now 3. nodding to people who I think I’m supposed to know. . How terrible would it be to be pouring my heart out to the bartender. who has terrible taste in bridesmaids’ dresses.myself.
once a year. Luckily. Are you ready to go back.” “Where is Effie?” Ophelia asked. It was my mother. “We’ll miss you. But you’ll be fine.” Mom and Ophelia laughed and I heard a door shut behind them. of course. the stall doors went down to the floor so nobody could see my feet. We’ll be fine. Robbie only sees his brother like. I heard the door to the main bathroom open. they moved to Florida.” “I’ll visit all the time. 1. “Are you sure?” It was Ophelia. That’s what they all say. My mom blew her nose again – a great big honk. dear? You don’t want to spend your whole reception in the bathroom.) Ophelia has only dated three guys. What if George isn’t the one and she doesn’t know and she’s divorced by 25? Then she’ll have to move back home when I would have already moved out. That’s just weird. Probably at the buffet. There was a loud nose-blow. I snorted. “My girls are growing up so fast.” Ophelia said.) You can’t double date with your older sister if she’s married. .2. When Robbie’s older brother got married. “She’s probably at the buffet.
I wasn’t worried about the dress – I was never going to wear it again. which flew off the toilet paper roll and all down the side of my hideously pink dress. and wiped my sugar-coated right arm on my dress skirt. frantically throwing the sides of my fists in front of me. Nobody answered.) I need her home to save me from Weight Watchers. Nothing. I reached for the lock on the bathroom door.) I need her home to be my big sister. I’m going to be stuck in the bathroom for the rest of Ophelia’s reception. 1. took the knob in both hands and tried to pull it to the right. I propped my coke on the toilet paper roll. “Damn it!” I yelled. I kicked the door. I banged on the door. and it wouldn’t budge. anyway. 3 Reasons Why It Sucks to Be Locked In A Bathroom During Your Sister’s Reception . flailing my arms into the cup of coke. I sat back down on the toilet lid.2 More Selfish Reasons Ophelia Should Not Leave 2. It was a silver deadbolt. It still wouldn’t budge. the Cabbage Soup diet and whatever else my mom decides is best for me.
1. At least one Friday a week. who was dating who.) 3. But I did. I invited him to come with us. Before Ophelia was consumed in wedding-related bullshit. she and I used to do a Friday night dinner. But I thought he was cute. I could eat guilt-free. I smiled and nodded and pretended like I didn’t know what he was really saying.) Your sister won’t even notice you weren’t there. I invited Robbie to join us.) You can’t catch the bouquet. Of course. the next day in lab all he could talk about was how pretty Ophelia was. and now I was going to miss the buffet and the cake.) You’re going to miss the cake. We would talk about some of our mutual high school friends.) 2. One of the things we never talked about. or how she liked working at the hospital. Or how much I was eating. I didn’t really know Robbie at that point. (Shut up. I like cake. further solidifying your existence as a future cat lady.(Even If You’re Not Thrilled She’s Getting Married. was what I was eating. When I was a freshman and Ophelia was a senior. and how he’d never guess we were sisters (read: Ophelia is skinny). before Ophelia was all about flowers and centerpieces and which color pink would look best on her bridesmaids. I hadn’t had a chance to grab dinner before going to the ladies room. he was just some guy that sat next to me in science lab. My stomach growled. and so when I was talking to Ophelia in the hallway and he stopped to ask for earth science help. He was saying that he . I just don’t care if the centerpieces are six inches tall or eight inches tall!) Anyway. (I’m sorry.
or frantically waving . and poke at my fat with the other. She could never just sit still.couldn’t understand how one sister could be so beautiful. you know.” she’d say while we were sitting around the kitchen table. Grandma started to cough again. “Obesity kills. She was like one of those parachute-like blow-ups they put outside of car dealerships. Grandma didn’t speak to me for a week. Instinctively. she was always swaying. Probably best-friends. and the other one a slightly overweight. “Isn’t Ophelia beautiful?” I heard a gravelly voice ask. It was fine. It always amuses me the way my grandmother can puff on a cigarette in one hand. I heard the hacking cough of my grandmother.” I had the balls to say once. while I could hear my Aunt tapping her heels. She clearly wasn’t interested in Robbie. I didn’t blame Ophelia… much. “So does smoking. I froze and listened. And even though my stomach still drops a little every time Robbie mentions her name. now that Ophelia’s bestfriend is George. we’re still second-best-friends. I heard the music get a bit louder as the door swung open. brace-faced plain Jane.
“Yeah.) I think my business cards will one day read. like one of the giant waving nylon tubes that had the fan on too low.) Nobody would see that the butt of my dress was now soaked from the toilet sweating.” “Effie?” I heard Ophelia calling from outside the door.” Grandma said.” Aunt Rosie was slurring so it came out as “hawwwwwt divorshay. Grandma and Aunt Rosie had already left. or tapping her feet. she was usually falling over.her arms.) I could avoid my grandmother and mother.” 2.) I wouldn’t have to listen to my Aunt talk about “hawwwwt divorshay’s.) Sometimes I wonder – is this really my life? 1 b.” “Well. are you in here?” . “Effie Green: Big Embarrassing Mess. a puff of smoke and a plethora of “hawwwwt’s” in their wake. She’s the only one in the family that got good genes. huh mom? Think I’m still young enough to get me a doctor? Maybe a hot divorcé.” 3 Reasons It Might Not Be Horrendous to Spend the Rest of the Night in the Bathroom 3. 1. “you’ve got as good a chance as any of the rest of us. “Effie. beautiful. Aunt Rosie (who was recently single) cleared her throat. During family reunions. 1 a.
” I crossed my arms. hair hanging limply around my face. and let out a gasp. I’m sure I looked like the big mess that I felt .” I stepped up to the sink and washed the coke off my arm.” I said.Ophelia pounded on the door. I need your help. Figures.” she said. I reached up to unlock the door. otherwise I’m going to kill half of our relatives. “Three. it’s starting to look like you live in there. “I’m just thinking. and one you’re my maid of honor. Two. mechanical click. “what are you doing in there?” I looked at her in her bridal gown – a beautiful white satin mermaid dress with little lace sleeves. and held up three fingers.” Ophelia took a deep breath. and the big pink tulle skirt spread out around the bathroom stall like a cotton candy machine exploded. Ophelia shook her head. and this time the deadbolt moved smoothly. Her auburn hair was pulled up into tight curls. “Give me three reasons. making it shake in the frame. “Get out of the bathroom stall. . you’re missing the reception which I paid mucho dollars for. Ophelia pushed open the door. I guess. a wedding gift from George. “Effie. hung from her neck. and a diamond necklace. I heard a small.sugar from the coke crusted on my right arm and a giant stain set into the skirt.
2.” Ophelia took a step back. We will not be inviting George or my boy-that-is-afriend. she had her chance. I want you to be a part of it. “No more lists.) Ophelia and I made plans to resume our Friday “sister dinners” the first Friday she got back from her honeymoon. Three Reasons I’m Glad I Didn’t Spend Ophelia’s Reception in the Bathroom 3. Three-“ Ophelia wrapped her arms around me before I could finish the first reason. Not today. Effie.) I caught the bouquet. This is the biggest day of my life. (Hey.) I ate cake and there was nothing mom could say about it. Robbie.) 1. “Why is your ass wet? Did you sit in the toilet?” “Gross!” I said. .“Three reasons why I’ll be better off living in the bathroom. wrestling it away from Aunt Rosie.
from when she's happy or sad. When her friend. instead of what her feelings should be. But for Brig. the personal Playlist Treatment Plan that plays in her head is designed to control her emotions . Asking Robbie out during a family gathering though. to when she falls in love. but Effie is only halfconcerned about the fact that her sister may or may not be hiding the fact that she’s pregnant.receives a ticket before she does. is chosen to go to Musician’s School and is given a Permit to Carry a musical instrument. who suffers from depression. Juliet decides that the ticketing system has to stop. isn’t quite as easy as it seems. Hot Ticket (Middle Grade Mystery) – Juliet Robinson is the only sixth grader in John Jay Jr. a love song – or a song that matches what her depression feels like.Crammit Gibson . When one of the dorkiest kids in school . With the help of her best friend . All that Effie wants for Christmas this year is to go out on her first date with Robbie – her boy-that-is-a-friend. The Engine Driver (Dystopian YA Short Story) – Sixteen-year-old Brig has never been allowed to hear a sad song in her entire life. Annaby. a song in a minor key will never be played.Other Works By This Author George & Ophelia’s First Christmas: An Effie Short Story (Contemporary YA) – It’s George and Ophelia’s first Christmas as a married couple. Brig knows that she has just this one chance to hear a sad song. Like everyone else in her community. High who hasn't received a "hot ticket" from the mysterious ticket dispenser.
as a children's book reviewer. About The Author Tracy Marchini is a freelance writer and editorial consultant.com. .tracymarchini. crafting fiction and nonfiction. a newspaper correspondent and a freelance copywriter. wholesalers. More information about her and her critique services can be found at www. publishing terms. book clubs. Juliet is determined to climb a few rungs on the middle school social ladder and catch the ticket dispenser once and for all! Pub Speak: A Writer’s Dictionary of Publishing Terms (Reference) – Pub Speak is a dictionary for both new and established authors that contains over 400 definitions.Lucy. Before launching her own editorial service. ebooks and audiobooks. retailers. including contract and royalty terms. she worked at a literary agency. a Daria-esque Madeline and her almost-crush Crammit. trade events and social networking. writer’s organizations.
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