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Effie At The Wedding
Effie At The Wedding © 2011 by Tracy Marchini. Published by Squirrel Books. All rights reserved.
Effie At The Wedding
There are several reasons that I, Effie Green, don’t want to go to this wedding. First, I am dressed in a hideously pink silk dress. I didn’t even get this girlie at junior prom, and now my sister wants me to gently glide down the aisle in a pink so fluorescent that even the 80s would have rejected it. I’ve told Ophelia at least eight times that her pictures are going to look as if someone threw up radioactive Pepto-Bismol all over the place. She remains unconcerned. Secondly, I could sense that something was going to happen with Evan at Lisa’s party tonight. But now I’ll never know because I’ll be eating mini-hot dogs with a bunch of relatives I haven’t seen since I was growing out of my grade school uniforms at a rate of one per month. Lastly, when Ophelia gets married that means that George will officially become my brother-in-law.
The church is decorated in white daisies and long, pink silk banners. I stepped on the flower petals left behind by the flower girl as I walked up the aisle, trying to step on an equal number with my left and right foot. I tightened my lips and forced a halfgrimace (instead of a full one) towards George, before taking my seat in the front pew. I’m sure church bells are ringing, but my mother’s sobs are just loud enough to drown out everything but my own thoughts.
5 (Totally Selfish) Reasons I Do Not Want George As A Brother-In-Law
5.) My sister is only 20, and he is 29. That means he’s almost thirty, which means that when she’s forty, he’ll be almost fifty, and then when she’s fifty, he’ll be almost sixty. Too old.
4.) He just graduated med school. People never see their spouses when one is a doctor. And on Grey’s Anatomy, the doctors are always sleeping with the other doctors and nurses. Ophelia is cute, but she can’t compete with a tall, blonde-haired millionaire doctor. (Sorry, Ophelia.)
3.) He’s too nice. Nice is lame. Ophelia will be SO BORED when she’s like, 23 and realizes that her older, doctor boyfriend is too busy saving lives and golfing to go out clubbing.
2.) He’s too good looking. Again, the nurses are bound to fall in love with him.
1.) I will never be able to bring a boyfriend home without him also being a goodlooking, well mannered doctor. Which means that I am going to be single for the rest of my life, while my sister and her husband make lots of good-looking doctor babies. I will have lots of cats.
George and Ophelia are sitting next to each other on the altar while the Priest talks to us all about how we have to be open and honest with each other to make a
she would try to make Barbie wigs with pieces of felt. he was the one to dump Ophelia because he actually found a second girl that wanted to date him.) But when Ophelia leaves. When I was in sixth grade she taught me how to shave my legs. My stomach drops every time the Priest tells them that they’re looking at their new family. (In the end. Ophelia probably wasn’t the best big sister in the world.) And when I used to cut off all the hair on my Barbies. standing face to face and saying their “I do’s. but that’s probably also because she’s getting us the vodka. Brian always gave me the creeps. She’s going to be making dinner and doing dishes and thinking about going back to school herself now that George is almost finished with his residency. She hasn’t ratted on my friends and I for drinking in the basement. Brian and Ophelia broke up when she was my age.” I sighed. I thought she might marry her boyfriend before George. I looked at the two of them. He tended to talk with food flying out of his mouth. He always smelled like dirty laundry and used to crack the stupidest jokes. I had twelve bald Barbies with pieces of orange felt super-glued to their heads.relationship work long-term. But amazingly. and I once caught him going through Ophelia’s underwear drawer. she won’t be worried about who might ask me to senior prom or have time to read my college application essays. It could have been worse. but she definitely wasn’t the worst. Seriously! At the reception. . (I have the scars to this day. everyone circled my mom and I.
I was just about to tell him that it was my sister’s wedding. don’t you dear? And she’ll have even more soon. Ophelia rushed over and gave Aunt Mira a big hug. He nodded and passed one over. Either way. so that didn’t count.” I scowled.” I said to the freckle-faced boy at the bar. My Aunt Mia turned to me. my long time boy-that-is-afriend.” I said. “Effie has boys calling all the time. the boy she was referring to was Robbie. “So.“He’s perfect!” “She’s beautiful!” “You must be so proud!” I looked sideways at my mother. but didn’t have the nerve to try and order a real drink. “Why so glum?” he asked. My mom laughed. Soon. He was the only reason I’d been invited to Lisa’s party in the first place. “I’m going to be a nun. who was beaming. but suddenly felt selfconscious about spilling my guts to someone who was clearly not much older than . as in. is there a special boy in your life?” She gave me one of those smiles and I knew she was thinking wouldn’t that be cute. “Go!” she mouthed to me. and I hastily made my escape. “A coke. I went to the bar. when I’m back on Weight Watchers.
Three (Totally Selfish) Reasons Why Ophelia Should Not Get Married Right Now 3. I went into one of the stalls/rooms. . locked the door.” I said. sipping my Coke. who has terrible taste in bridesmaids’ dresses. 3b. It had rooms instead of stalls and a separate dressing room with mirrors that covered the full length of the walls. which would have made her Shakespeare-loving sister extremely happy. How terrible would it be to be pouring my heart out to the bartender. I shuffled between wedding guests. I opened the door and let out a gasp. The bathroom in this hotel was fancier than any public (or private) restroom I’d ever been in.) This might have saved her from a bad swim in the river though. Ophelia.) She never dated a guy named Hamlet. nodding to people who I think I’m supposed to know. 3a. has excellent taste in bathrooms.) On the other hand. closed the toilet lid and just sat there. with plush purple velvet chairs placed beneath them. I took my coke and headed to the bathroom. and finally made it to the women’s room. “You’re going to be an excellent bartender when you’re older.myself. Some mirrors had little tables that jutted out from the wall. she could have dated the Prince of Denmark. which is higher in rank than a doctor. crying against a coke on the rocks? So not going to happen.
But you’ll be fine. What if George isn’t the one and she doesn’t know and she’s divorced by 25? Then she’ll have to move back home when I would have already moved out.” “Where is Effie?” Ophelia asked. I heard the door to the main bathroom open.2. When Robbie’s older brother got married. once a year. There was a loud nose-blow. Robbie only sees his brother like. they moved to Florida.” Ophelia said. Are you ready to go back. of course. We’ll be fine. “She’s probably at the buffet. . “My girls are growing up so fast.” Mom and Ophelia laughed and I heard a door shut behind them. Probably at the buffet.) You can’t double date with your older sister if she’s married. That’s just weird.) Ophelia has only dated three guys. “Are you sure?” It was Ophelia. That’s what they all say. My mom blew her nose again – a great big honk. 1. dear? You don’t want to spend your whole reception in the bathroom. “We’ll miss you. It was my mother. Luckily.” “I’ll visit all the time. I snorted. the stall doors went down to the floor so nobody could see my feet.
“Damn it!” I yelled. It was a silver deadbolt.) I need her home to save me from Weight Watchers. I sat back down on the toilet lid.2 More Selfish Reasons Ophelia Should Not Leave 2. 3 Reasons Why It Sucks to Be Locked In A Bathroom During Your Sister’s Reception . I wasn’t worried about the dress – I was never going to wear it again. I’m going to be stuck in the bathroom for the rest of Ophelia’s reception. took the knob in both hands and tried to pull it to the right. 1. frantically throwing the sides of my fists in front of me.) I need her home to be my big sister. the Cabbage Soup diet and whatever else my mom decides is best for me. Nothing. anyway. and it wouldn’t budge. Nobody answered. It still wouldn’t budge. I reached for the lock on the bathroom door. which flew off the toilet paper roll and all down the side of my hideously pink dress. flailing my arms into the cup of coke. I propped my coke on the toilet paper roll. and wiped my sugar-coated right arm on my dress skirt. I kicked the door. I banged on the door.
was what I was eating. I smiled and nodded and pretended like I didn’t know what he was really saying. and so when I was talking to Ophelia in the hallway and he stopped to ask for earth science help.) Your sister won’t even notice you weren’t there. We would talk about some of our mutual high school friends.(Even If You’re Not Thrilled She’s Getting Married. Or how much I was eating. further solidifying your existence as a future cat lady.) You’re going to miss the cake. When I was a freshman and Ophelia was a senior. He was saying that he .) You can’t catch the bouquet. But I did. One of the things we never talked about. I invited Robbie to join us. I just don’t care if the centerpieces are six inches tall or eight inches tall!) Anyway. (Shut up. (I’m sorry.) 3. I like cake. I invited him to come with us. she and I used to do a Friday night dinner.) 2. the next day in lab all he could talk about was how pretty Ophelia was. he was just some guy that sat next to me in science lab. Of course. I could eat guilt-free. before Ophelia was all about flowers and centerpieces and which color pink would look best on her bridesmaids. But I thought he was cute. 1. or how she liked working at the hospital. At least one Friday a week. I hadn’t had a chance to grab dinner before going to the ladies room. My stomach growled. and how he’d never guess we were sisters (read: Ophelia is skinny). Before Ophelia was consumed in wedding-related bullshit. who was dating who. I didn’t really know Robbie at that point. and now I was going to miss the buffet and the cake.
she was always swaying. or frantically waving . now that Ophelia’s bestfriend is George.” she’d say while we were sitting around the kitchen table. “Obesity kills. She could never just sit still. I heard the hacking cough of my grandmother. She clearly wasn’t interested in Robbie. Grandma didn’t speak to me for a week. Probably best-friends. and the other one a slightly overweight. and poke at my fat with the other.” I had the balls to say once. And even though my stomach still drops a little every time Robbie mentions her name. Instinctively. I didn’t blame Ophelia… much. we’re still second-best-friends. brace-faced plain Jane. It was fine. “So does smoking.couldn’t understand how one sister could be so beautiful. She was like one of those parachute-like blow-ups they put outside of car dealerships. while I could hear my Aunt tapping her heels. I froze and listened. I heard the music get a bit louder as the door swung open. you know. It always amuses me the way my grandmother can puff on a cigarette in one hand. “Isn’t Ophelia beautiful?” I heard a gravelly voice ask. Grandma started to cough again.
She’s the only one in the family that got good genes. During family reunions.) I wouldn’t have to listen to my Aunt talk about “hawwwwt divorshay’s. or tapping her feet. “Yeah. “you’ve got as good a chance as any of the rest of us.) I think my business cards will one day read.” “Effie?” I heard Ophelia calling from outside the door.) Nobody would see that the butt of my dress was now soaked from the toilet sweating. are you in here?” . Grandma and Aunt Rosie had already left. 1 a.” Grandma said. huh mom? Think I’m still young enough to get me a doctor? Maybe a hot divorcé. a puff of smoke and a plethora of “hawwwwt’s” in their wake.” 2. Aunt Rosie (who was recently single) cleared her throat. “Effie Green: Big Embarrassing Mess.” 3 Reasons It Might Not Be Horrendous to Spend the Rest of the Night in the Bathroom 3.” Aunt Rosie was slurring so it came out as “hawwwwwt divorshay.) I could avoid my grandmother and mother. “Effie. beautiful. she was usually falling over.her arms. 1. like one of the giant waving nylon tubes that had the fan on too low.) Sometimes I wonder – is this really my life? 1 b.” “Well.
I reached up to unlock the door. “Get out of the bathroom stall.” Ophelia took a deep breath. Ophelia shook her head.” I said. mechanical click. “I’m just thinking. Figures. I heard a small.sugar from the coke crusted on my right arm and a giant stain set into the skirt. Two. hair hanging limply around my face.” I crossed my arms. and this time the deadbolt moved smoothly. I need your help. Ophelia pushed open the door. you’re missing the reception which I paid mucho dollars for. “Give me three reasons. Her auburn hair was pulled up into tight curls. and held up three fingers. “what are you doing in there?” I looked at her in her bridal gown – a beautiful white satin mermaid dress with little lace sleeves. and a diamond necklace. “Effie.” she said. I’m sure I looked like the big mess that I felt . hung from her neck.” I stepped up to the sink and washed the coke off my arm. and let out a gasp. and one you’re my maid of honor. “Three. and the big pink tulle skirt spread out around the bathroom stall like a cotton candy machine exploded. I guess. making it shake in the frame. a wedding gift from George.Ophelia pounded on the door. otherwise I’m going to kill half of our relatives. . it’s starting to look like you live in there.
2. (Hey.“Three reasons why I’ll be better off living in the bathroom. “Why is your ass wet? Did you sit in the toilet?” “Gross!” I said.) I ate cake and there was nothing mom could say about it. .” Ophelia took a step back.) Ophelia and I made plans to resume our Friday “sister dinners” the first Friday she got back from her honeymoon. she had her chance. Not today. Three-“ Ophelia wrapped her arms around me before I could finish the first reason. Robbie. Three Reasons I’m Glad I Didn’t Spend Ophelia’s Reception in the Bathroom 3. I want you to be a part of it. This is the biggest day of my life. “No more lists.) I caught the bouquet. Effie.) 1. wrestling it away from Aunt Rosie. We will not be inviting George or my boy-that-is-afriend.
Like everyone else in her community. When her friend. Annaby. Juliet decides that the ticketing system has to stop. isn’t quite as easy as it seems. but Effie is only halfconcerned about the fact that her sister may or may not be hiding the fact that she’s pregnant. is chosen to go to Musician’s School and is given a Permit to Carry a musical instrument.from when she's happy or sad. But for Brig. The Engine Driver (Dystopian YA Short Story) – Sixteen-year-old Brig has never been allowed to hear a sad song in her entire life. Asking Robbie out during a family gathering though. a love song – or a song that matches what her depression feels like. Hot Ticket (Middle Grade Mystery) – Juliet Robinson is the only sixth grader in John Jay Jr. to when she falls in love. All that Effie wants for Christmas this year is to go out on her first date with Robbie – her boy-that-is-a-friend. instead of what her feelings should be. Brig knows that she has just this one chance to hear a sad song. When one of the dorkiest kids in school .Other Works By This Author George & Ophelia’s First Christmas: An Effie Short Story (Contemporary YA) – It’s George and Ophelia’s first Christmas as a married couple. High who hasn't received a "hot ticket" from the mysterious ticket dispenser. With the help of her best friend .Crammit Gibson . who suffers from depression.receives a ticket before she does. a song in a minor key will never be played. the personal Playlist Treatment Plan that plays in her head is designed to control her emotions .
a Daria-esque Madeline and her almost-crush Crammit. About The Author Tracy Marchini is a freelance writer and editorial consultant. . trade events and social networking. crafting fiction and nonfiction. including contract and royalty terms. Juliet is determined to climb a few rungs on the middle school social ladder and catch the ticket dispenser once and for all! Pub Speak: A Writer’s Dictionary of Publishing Terms (Reference) – Pub Speak is a dictionary for both new and established authors that contains over 400 definitions. book clubs.Lucy.com. writer’s organizations. retailers. publishing terms. Before launching her own editorial service. ebooks and audiobooks.tracymarchini. More information about her and her critique services can be found at www. she worked at a literary agency. as a children's book reviewer. wholesalers. a newspaper correspondent and a freelance copywriter.
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