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Effie At The Wedding
Effie At The Wedding © 2011 by Tracy Marchini. Published by Squirrel Books. All rights reserved.
Effie At The Wedding
There are several reasons that I, Effie Green, don’t want to go to this wedding. First, I am dressed in a hideously pink silk dress. I didn’t even get this girlie at junior prom, and now my sister wants me to gently glide down the aisle in a pink so fluorescent that even the 80s would have rejected it. I’ve told Ophelia at least eight times that her pictures are going to look as if someone threw up radioactive Pepto-Bismol all over the place. She remains unconcerned. Secondly, I could sense that something was going to happen with Evan at Lisa’s party tonight. But now I’ll never know because I’ll be eating mini-hot dogs with a bunch of relatives I haven’t seen since I was growing out of my grade school uniforms at a rate of one per month. Lastly, when Ophelia gets married that means that George will officially become my brother-in-law.
The church is decorated in white daisies and long, pink silk banners. I stepped on the flower petals left behind by the flower girl as I walked up the aisle, trying to step on an equal number with my left and right foot. I tightened my lips and forced a halfgrimace (instead of a full one) towards George, before taking my seat in the front pew. I’m sure church bells are ringing, but my mother’s sobs are just loud enough to drown out everything but my own thoughts.
5 (Totally Selfish) Reasons I Do Not Want George As A Brother-In-Law
5.) My sister is only 20, and he is 29. That means he’s almost thirty, which means that when she’s forty, he’ll be almost fifty, and then when she’s fifty, he’ll be almost sixty. Too old.
4.) He just graduated med school. People never see their spouses when one is a doctor. And on Grey’s Anatomy, the doctors are always sleeping with the other doctors and nurses. Ophelia is cute, but she can’t compete with a tall, blonde-haired millionaire doctor. (Sorry, Ophelia.)
3.) He’s too nice. Nice is lame. Ophelia will be SO BORED when she’s like, 23 and realizes that her older, doctor boyfriend is too busy saving lives and golfing to go out clubbing.
2.) He’s too good looking. Again, the nurses are bound to fall in love with him.
1.) I will never be able to bring a boyfriend home without him also being a goodlooking, well mannered doctor. Which means that I am going to be single for the rest of my life, while my sister and her husband make lots of good-looking doctor babies. I will have lots of cats.
George and Ophelia are sitting next to each other on the altar while the Priest talks to us all about how we have to be open and honest with each other to make a
Brian always gave me the creeps. everyone circled my mom and I. he was the one to dump Ophelia because he actually found a second girl that wanted to date him. and I once caught him going through Ophelia’s underwear drawer. she would try to make Barbie wigs with pieces of felt. But amazingly. She’s going to be making dinner and doing dishes and thinking about going back to school herself now that George is almost finished with his residency. He always smelled like dirty laundry and used to crack the stupidest jokes. Ophelia probably wasn’t the best big sister in the world. My stomach drops every time the Priest tells them that they’re looking at their new family. (I have the scars to this day. He tended to talk with food flying out of his mouth.) And when I used to cut off all the hair on my Barbies. . (In the end.) But when Ophelia leaves. standing face to face and saying their “I do’s. I had twelve bald Barbies with pieces of orange felt super-glued to their heads. Brian and Ophelia broke up when she was my age. Seriously! At the reception.relationship work long-term. she won’t be worried about who might ask me to senior prom or have time to read my college application essays. It could have been worse.” I sighed. I thought she might marry her boyfriend before George. I looked at the two of them. When I was in sixth grade she taught me how to shave my legs. She hasn’t ratted on my friends and I for drinking in the basement. but that’s probably also because she’s getting us the vodka. but she definitely wasn’t the worst.
but suddenly felt selfconscious about spilling my guts to someone who was clearly not much older than . is there a special boy in your life?” She gave me one of those smiles and I knew she was thinking wouldn’t that be cute. “Why so glum?” he asked. “Effie has boys calling all the time.” I said to the freckle-faced boy at the bar. “Go!” she mouthed to me.“He’s perfect!” “She’s beautiful!” “You must be so proud!” I looked sideways at my mother. who was beaming. He was the only reason I’d been invited to Lisa’s party in the first place. when I’m back on Weight Watchers.” I scowled. don’t you dear? And she’ll have even more soon. Either way. my long time boy-that-is-afriend. I was just about to tell him that it was my sister’s wedding. the boy she was referring to was Robbie. My Aunt Mia turned to me. “So. and I hastily made my escape. Ophelia rushed over and gave Aunt Mira a big hug. “A coke.” I said. as in. My mom laughed. Soon. “I’m going to be a nun. so that didn’t count. but didn’t have the nerve to try and order a real drink. I went to the bar. He nodded and passed one over.
I went into one of the stalls/rooms. closed the toilet lid and just sat there. Some mirrors had little tables that jutted out from the wall.) On the other hand. I took my coke and headed to the bathroom. which would have made her Shakespeare-loving sister extremely happy. I opened the door and let out a gasp. nodding to people who I think I’m supposed to know. The bathroom in this hotel was fancier than any public (or private) restroom I’d ever been in.) This might have saved her from a bad swim in the river though. Ophelia. “You’re going to be an excellent bartender when you’re older. It had rooms instead of stalls and a separate dressing room with mirrors that covered the full length of the walls. 3a. she could have dated the Prince of Denmark. Three (Totally Selfish) Reasons Why Ophelia Should Not Get Married Right Now 3. I shuffled between wedding guests.” I said. crying against a coke on the rocks? So not going to happen. which is higher in rank than a doctor. sipping my Coke. who has terrible taste in bridesmaids’ dresses. How terrible would it be to be pouring my heart out to the bartender. with plush purple velvet chairs placed beneath them.) She never dated a guy named Hamlet. locked the door. 3b. and finally made it to the women’s room. .myself. has excellent taste in bathrooms.
“My girls are growing up so fast. What if George isn’t the one and she doesn’t know and she’s divorced by 25? Then she’ll have to move back home when I would have already moved out. It was my mother. of course. Luckily. Probably at the buffet. But you’ll be fine. That’s what they all say. once a year.” Ophelia said. 1. That’s just weird. they moved to Florida. “Are you sure?” It was Ophelia. I heard the door to the main bathroom open. Robbie only sees his brother like. “We’ll miss you. “She’s probably at the buffet. dear? You don’t want to spend your whole reception in the bathroom.2.” “Where is Effie?” Ophelia asked.) You can’t double date with your older sister if she’s married. My mom blew her nose again – a great big honk. . We’ll be fine. Are you ready to go back.) Ophelia has only dated three guys. When Robbie’s older brother got married.” “I’ll visit all the time.” Mom and Ophelia laughed and I heard a door shut behind them. the stall doors went down to the floor so nobody could see my feet. There was a loud nose-blow. I snorted.
It was a silver deadbolt. frantically throwing the sides of my fists in front of me. It still wouldn’t budge. Nobody answered. and it wouldn’t budge. and wiped my sugar-coated right arm on my dress skirt. the Cabbage Soup diet and whatever else my mom decides is best for me.) I need her home to save me from Weight Watchers. I wasn’t worried about the dress – I was never going to wear it again. “Damn it!” I yelled. I kicked the door. anyway. I propped my coke on the toilet paper roll. I reached for the lock on the bathroom door. which flew off the toilet paper roll and all down the side of my hideously pink dress. 3 Reasons Why It Sucks to Be Locked In A Bathroom During Your Sister’s Reception . I sat back down on the toilet lid. took the knob in both hands and tried to pull it to the right. 1.) I need her home to be my big sister. flailing my arms into the cup of coke. I’m going to be stuck in the bathroom for the rest of Ophelia’s reception. Nothing. I banged on the door.2 More Selfish Reasons Ophelia Should Not Leave 2.
) 3. who was dating who. Or how much I was eating. At least one Friday a week. (I’m sorry. But I did. before Ophelia was all about flowers and centerpieces and which color pink would look best on her bridesmaids. My stomach growled. she and I used to do a Friday night dinner. and now I was going to miss the buffet and the cake.) You can’t catch the bouquet. 1. I could eat guilt-free. or how she liked working at the hospital.) 2. He was saying that he . was what I was eating. We would talk about some of our mutual high school friends. I invited him to come with us. I smiled and nodded and pretended like I didn’t know what he was really saying. and how he’d never guess we were sisters (read: Ophelia is skinny). I invited Robbie to join us. the next day in lab all he could talk about was how pretty Ophelia was. and so when I was talking to Ophelia in the hallway and he stopped to ask for earth science help. I didn’t really know Robbie at that point. he was just some guy that sat next to me in science lab. Before Ophelia was consumed in wedding-related bullshit. I like cake. Of course.) You’re going to miss the cake. I hadn’t had a chance to grab dinner before going to the ladies room. But I thought he was cute. When I was a freshman and Ophelia was a senior. (Shut up.(Even If You’re Not Thrilled She’s Getting Married.) Your sister won’t even notice you weren’t there. One of the things we never talked about. further solidifying your existence as a future cat lady. I just don’t care if the centerpieces are six inches tall or eight inches tall!) Anyway.
” I had the balls to say once. “So does smoking. Instinctively. I didn’t blame Ophelia… much. you know. and the other one a slightly overweight. now that Ophelia’s bestfriend is George. Probably best-friends.” she’d say while we were sitting around the kitchen table. brace-faced plain Jane. “Obesity kills. “Isn’t Ophelia beautiful?” I heard a gravelly voice ask. She was like one of those parachute-like blow-ups they put outside of car dealerships. She clearly wasn’t interested in Robbie. Grandma started to cough again. and poke at my fat with the other. I froze and listened.couldn’t understand how one sister could be so beautiful. It always amuses me the way my grandmother can puff on a cigarette in one hand. I heard the hacking cough of my grandmother. Grandma didn’t speak to me for a week. we’re still second-best-friends. she was always swaying. And even though my stomach still drops a little every time Robbie mentions her name. or frantically waving . She could never just sit still. I heard the music get a bit louder as the door swung open. while I could hear my Aunt tapping her heels. It was fine.
She’s the only one in the family that got good genes.) I think my business cards will one day read.” Grandma said. 1 a. “Effie. she was usually falling over. are you in here?” .” “Well.” 3 Reasons It Might Not Be Horrendous to Spend the Rest of the Night in the Bathroom 3. beautiful. “Effie Green: Big Embarrassing Mess. During family reunions. 1.” Aunt Rosie was slurring so it came out as “hawwwwwt divorshay.) Sometimes I wonder – is this really my life? 1 b.” 2.” “Effie?” I heard Ophelia calling from outside the door. “you’ve got as good a chance as any of the rest of us. Grandma and Aunt Rosie had already left.her arms. like one of the giant waving nylon tubes that had the fan on too low. Aunt Rosie (who was recently single) cleared her throat. “Yeah.) I wouldn’t have to listen to my Aunt talk about “hawwwwt divorshay’s. huh mom? Think I’m still young enough to get me a doctor? Maybe a hot divorcé. a puff of smoke and a plethora of “hawwwwt’s” in their wake.) I could avoid my grandmother and mother. or tapping her feet.) Nobody would see that the butt of my dress was now soaked from the toilet sweating.
I guess. and let out a gasp.Ophelia pounded on the door. I heard a small. hung from her neck. . I reached up to unlock the door.” Ophelia took a deep breath. I need your help. “Get out of the bathroom stall. mechanical click. and held up three fingers. and the big pink tulle skirt spread out around the bathroom stall like a cotton candy machine exploded. “I’m just thinking. hair hanging limply around my face.” I crossed my arms. Figures. Ophelia shook her head. Her auburn hair was pulled up into tight curls. it’s starting to look like you live in there. and this time the deadbolt moved smoothly. otherwise I’m going to kill half of our relatives. Ophelia pushed open the door. “what are you doing in there?” I looked at her in her bridal gown – a beautiful white satin mermaid dress with little lace sleeves. making it shake in the frame.” she said. a wedding gift from George. Two.” I stepped up to the sink and washed the coke off my arm. and one you’re my maid of honor. I’m sure I looked like the big mess that I felt . “Effie.” I said. you’re missing the reception which I paid mucho dollars for. “Three. and a diamond necklace. “Give me three reasons.sugar from the coke crusted on my right arm and a giant stain set into the skirt.
wrestling it away from Aunt Rosie. 2. “No more lists. We will not be inviting George or my boy-that-is-afriend.) 1.) I ate cake and there was nothing mom could say about it. . Three-“ Ophelia wrapped her arms around me before I could finish the first reason. Not today. she had her chance. Effie. (Hey. This is the biggest day of my life.) Ophelia and I made plans to resume our Friday “sister dinners” the first Friday she got back from her honeymoon. Three Reasons I’m Glad I Didn’t Spend Ophelia’s Reception in the Bathroom 3.” Ophelia took a step back.“Three reasons why I’ll be better off living in the bathroom. “Why is your ass wet? Did you sit in the toilet?” “Gross!” I said.) I caught the bouquet. I want you to be a part of it. Robbie.
Annaby. When her friend.receives a ticket before she does. When one of the dorkiest kids in school . but Effie is only halfconcerned about the fact that her sister may or may not be hiding the fact that she’s pregnant. a song in a minor key will never be played. is chosen to go to Musician’s School and is given a Permit to Carry a musical instrument. to when she falls in love. who suffers from depression. But for Brig.Crammit Gibson .from when she's happy or sad. Brig knows that she has just this one chance to hear a sad song. All that Effie wants for Christmas this year is to go out on her first date with Robbie – her boy-that-is-a-friend. Hot Ticket (Middle Grade Mystery) – Juliet Robinson is the only sixth grader in John Jay Jr. Juliet decides that the ticketing system has to stop. isn’t quite as easy as it seems. The Engine Driver (Dystopian YA Short Story) – Sixteen-year-old Brig has never been allowed to hear a sad song in her entire life. instead of what her feelings should be. the personal Playlist Treatment Plan that plays in her head is designed to control her emotions . Like everyone else in her community. Asking Robbie out during a family gathering though. High who hasn't received a "hot ticket" from the mysterious ticket dispenser. With the help of her best friend . a love song – or a song that matches what her depression feels like.Other Works By This Author George & Ophelia’s First Christmas: An Effie Short Story (Contemporary YA) – It’s George and Ophelia’s first Christmas as a married couple.
crafting fiction and nonfiction. Juliet is determined to climb a few rungs on the middle school social ladder and catch the ticket dispenser once and for all! Pub Speak: A Writer’s Dictionary of Publishing Terms (Reference) – Pub Speak is a dictionary for both new and established authors that contains over 400 definitions.com. wholesalers. ebooks and audiobooks. trade events and social networking. publishing terms. including contract and royalty terms.Lucy. . About The Author Tracy Marchini is a freelance writer and editorial consultant. she worked at a literary agency. writer’s organizations. Before launching her own editorial service. a newspaper correspondent and a freelance copywriter. More information about her and her critique services can be found at www. a Daria-esque Madeline and her almost-crush Crammit.tracymarchini. retailers. as a children's book reviewer. book clubs.