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Effie At The Wedding
Effie At The Wedding © 2011 by Tracy Marchini. Published by Squirrel Books. All rights reserved.
Effie At The Wedding
There are several reasons that I, Effie Green, don’t want to go to this wedding. First, I am dressed in a hideously pink silk dress. I didn’t even get this girlie at junior prom, and now my sister wants me to gently glide down the aisle in a pink so fluorescent that even the 80s would have rejected it. I’ve told Ophelia at least eight times that her pictures are going to look as if someone threw up radioactive Pepto-Bismol all over the place. She remains unconcerned. Secondly, I could sense that something was going to happen with Evan at Lisa’s party tonight. But now I’ll never know because I’ll be eating mini-hot dogs with a bunch of relatives I haven’t seen since I was growing out of my grade school uniforms at a rate of one per month. Lastly, when Ophelia gets married that means that George will officially become my brother-in-law.
The church is decorated in white daisies and long, pink silk banners. I stepped on the flower petals left behind by the flower girl as I walked up the aisle, trying to step on an equal number with my left and right foot. I tightened my lips and forced a halfgrimace (instead of a full one) towards George, before taking my seat in the front pew. I’m sure church bells are ringing, but my mother’s sobs are just loud enough to drown out everything but my own thoughts.
5 (Totally Selfish) Reasons I Do Not Want George As A Brother-In-Law
5.) My sister is only 20, and he is 29. That means he’s almost thirty, which means that when she’s forty, he’ll be almost fifty, and then when she’s fifty, he’ll be almost sixty. Too old.
4.) He just graduated med school. People never see their spouses when one is a doctor. And on Grey’s Anatomy, the doctors are always sleeping with the other doctors and nurses. Ophelia is cute, but she can’t compete with a tall, blonde-haired millionaire doctor. (Sorry, Ophelia.)
3.) He’s too nice. Nice is lame. Ophelia will be SO BORED when she’s like, 23 and realizes that her older, doctor boyfriend is too busy saving lives and golfing to go out clubbing.
2.) He’s too good looking. Again, the nurses are bound to fall in love with him.
1.) I will never be able to bring a boyfriend home without him also being a goodlooking, well mannered doctor. Which means that I am going to be single for the rest of my life, while my sister and her husband make lots of good-looking doctor babies. I will have lots of cats.
George and Ophelia are sitting next to each other on the altar while the Priest talks to us all about how we have to be open and honest with each other to make a
My stomach drops every time the Priest tells them that they’re looking at their new family. She hasn’t ratted on my friends and I for drinking in the basement.relationship work long-term. standing face to face and saying their “I do’s. (I have the scars to this day. When I was in sixth grade she taught me how to shave my legs. . she would try to make Barbie wigs with pieces of felt. everyone circled my mom and I. but she definitely wasn’t the worst. I thought she might marry her boyfriend before George. He always smelled like dirty laundry and used to crack the stupidest jokes. and I once caught him going through Ophelia’s underwear drawer. Brian always gave me the creeps. I looked at the two of them. Brian and Ophelia broke up when she was my age. he was the one to dump Ophelia because he actually found a second girl that wanted to date him. But amazingly. (In the end.) And when I used to cut off all the hair on my Barbies. It could have been worse. I had twelve bald Barbies with pieces of orange felt super-glued to their heads. but that’s probably also because she’s getting us the vodka. He tended to talk with food flying out of his mouth. she won’t be worried about who might ask me to senior prom or have time to read my college application essays. Ophelia probably wasn’t the best big sister in the world.” I sighed.) But when Ophelia leaves. Seriously! At the reception. She’s going to be making dinner and doing dishes and thinking about going back to school herself now that George is almost finished with his residency.
but didn’t have the nerve to try and order a real drink. is there a special boy in your life?” She gave me one of those smiles and I knew she was thinking wouldn’t that be cute. He nodded and passed one over. when I’m back on Weight Watchers. “Effie has boys calling all the time. who was beaming. My Aunt Mia turned to me.” I scowled. my long time boy-that-is-afriend. I went to the bar. “So.“He’s perfect!” “She’s beautiful!” “You must be so proud!” I looked sideways at my mother. don’t you dear? And she’ll have even more soon. My mom laughed.” I said. but suddenly felt selfconscious about spilling my guts to someone who was clearly not much older than .” I said to the freckle-faced boy at the bar. “Go!” she mouthed to me. the boy she was referring to was Robbie. “Why so glum?” he asked. Soon. Either way. He was the only reason I’d been invited to Lisa’s party in the first place. as in. so that didn’t count. and I hastily made my escape. I was just about to tell him that it was my sister’s wedding. “A coke. Ophelia rushed over and gave Aunt Mira a big hug. “I’m going to be a nun.
closed the toilet lid and just sat there.) This might have saved her from a bad swim in the river though. she could have dated the Prince of Denmark. How terrible would it be to be pouring my heart out to the bartender.” I said. with plush purple velvet chairs placed beneath them. It had rooms instead of stalls and a separate dressing room with mirrors that covered the full length of the walls. and finally made it to the women’s room. has excellent taste in bathrooms.) On the other hand.myself. nodding to people who I think I’m supposed to know. which would have made her Shakespeare-loving sister extremely happy. I opened the door and let out a gasp. “You’re going to be an excellent bartender when you’re older. Three (Totally Selfish) Reasons Why Ophelia Should Not Get Married Right Now 3. Ophelia. . who has terrible taste in bridesmaids’ dresses. locked the door.) She never dated a guy named Hamlet. 3a. which is higher in rank than a doctor. sipping my Coke. Some mirrors had little tables that jutted out from the wall. I went into one of the stalls/rooms. I shuffled between wedding guests. crying against a coke on the rocks? So not going to happen. The bathroom in this hotel was fancier than any public (or private) restroom I’d ever been in. I took my coke and headed to the bathroom. 3b.
” Mom and Ophelia laughed and I heard a door shut behind them. Robbie only sees his brother like. .) Ophelia has only dated three guys. Probably at the buffet. of course. I heard the door to the main bathroom open. “My girls are growing up so fast. “Are you sure?” It was Ophelia.2. It was my mother. My mom blew her nose again – a great big honk.) You can’t double date with your older sister if she’s married. “She’s probably at the buffet. they moved to Florida.” “I’ll visit all the time.” “Where is Effie?” Ophelia asked. once a year. “We’ll miss you. That’s what they all say.” Ophelia said. When Robbie’s older brother got married. That’s just weird. But you’ll be fine. I snorted. 1. We’ll be fine. There was a loud nose-blow. Luckily. dear? You don’t want to spend your whole reception in the bathroom. Are you ready to go back. the stall doors went down to the floor so nobody could see my feet. What if George isn’t the one and she doesn’t know and she’s divorced by 25? Then she’ll have to move back home when I would have already moved out.
It still wouldn’t budge. I wasn’t worried about the dress – I was never going to wear it again. the Cabbage Soup diet and whatever else my mom decides is best for me. anyway. took the knob in both hands and tried to pull it to the right. “Damn it!” I yelled. I’m going to be stuck in the bathroom for the rest of Ophelia’s reception. 1. which flew off the toilet paper roll and all down the side of my hideously pink dress.2 More Selfish Reasons Ophelia Should Not Leave 2.) I need her home to save me from Weight Watchers. frantically throwing the sides of my fists in front of me. I reached for the lock on the bathroom door. and it wouldn’t budge. I propped my coke on the toilet paper roll. flailing my arms into the cup of coke. 3 Reasons Why It Sucks to Be Locked In A Bathroom During Your Sister’s Reception . I banged on the door.) I need her home to be my big sister. It was a silver deadbolt. Nobody answered. Nothing. I kicked the door. and wiped my sugar-coated right arm on my dress skirt. I sat back down on the toilet lid.
Or how much I was eating. I invited him to come with us. My stomach growled. who was dating who. before Ophelia was all about flowers and centerpieces and which color pink would look best on her bridesmaids.(Even If You’re Not Thrilled She’s Getting Married.) You’re going to miss the cake. the next day in lab all he could talk about was how pretty Ophelia was. Of course. But I thought he was cute. Before Ophelia was consumed in wedding-related bullshit. I just don’t care if the centerpieces are six inches tall or eight inches tall!) Anyway. But I did. and how he’d never guess we were sisters (read: Ophelia is skinny). was what I was eating.) Your sister won’t even notice you weren’t there. At least one Friday a week. I like cake. I didn’t really know Robbie at that point. (Shut up. He was saying that he . We would talk about some of our mutual high school friends. she and I used to do a Friday night dinner. I smiled and nodded and pretended like I didn’t know what he was really saying. further solidifying your existence as a future cat lady. and now I was going to miss the buffet and the cake. or how she liked working at the hospital. he was just some guy that sat next to me in science lab. and so when I was talking to Ophelia in the hallway and he stopped to ask for earth science help. I hadn’t had a chance to grab dinner before going to the ladies room. 1. I invited Robbie to join us. When I was a freshman and Ophelia was a senior. One of the things we never talked about. I could eat guilt-free.) 2. (I’m sorry.) You can’t catch the bouquet.) 3.
brace-faced plain Jane.” I had the balls to say once. Instinctively. now that Ophelia’s bestfriend is George. or frantically waving . I heard the music get a bit louder as the door swung open. she was always swaying. I heard the hacking cough of my grandmother. I froze and listened. Grandma didn’t speak to me for a week. She could never just sit still. It always amuses me the way my grandmother can puff on a cigarette in one hand. and poke at my fat with the other. “Obesity kills. you know. And even though my stomach still drops a little every time Robbie mentions her name. She was like one of those parachute-like blow-ups they put outside of car dealerships. I didn’t blame Ophelia… much.couldn’t understand how one sister could be so beautiful. while I could hear my Aunt tapping her heels. “So does smoking. Grandma started to cough again. “Isn’t Ophelia beautiful?” I heard a gravelly voice ask. She clearly wasn’t interested in Robbie. Probably best-friends. we’re still second-best-friends. It was fine. and the other one a slightly overweight.” she’d say while we were sitting around the kitchen table.
” “Effie?” I heard Ophelia calling from outside the door.her arms. like one of the giant waving nylon tubes that had the fan on too low. 1. 1 a.) Sometimes I wonder – is this really my life? 1 b. “Effie Green: Big Embarrassing Mess. are you in here?” .) I wouldn’t have to listen to my Aunt talk about “hawwwwt divorshay’s. “Yeah. Grandma and Aunt Rosie had already left. beautiful. “you’ve got as good a chance as any of the rest of us. or tapping her feet. “Effie. she was usually falling over. Aunt Rosie (who was recently single) cleared her throat. huh mom? Think I’m still young enough to get me a doctor? Maybe a hot divorcé.” “Well.) Nobody would see that the butt of my dress was now soaked from the toilet sweating.” 2.) I think my business cards will one day read.) I could avoid my grandmother and mother.” Aunt Rosie was slurring so it came out as “hawwwwwt divorshay.” Grandma said. a puff of smoke and a plethora of “hawwwwt’s” in their wake. During family reunions.” 3 Reasons It Might Not Be Horrendous to Spend the Rest of the Night in the Bathroom 3. She’s the only one in the family that got good genes.
Ophelia pounded on the door. otherwise I’m going to kill half of our relatives. I reached up to unlock the door.” I stepped up to the sink and washed the coke off my arm. hair hanging limply around my face. Ophelia pushed open the door.” she said. Ophelia shook her head. I’m sure I looked like the big mess that I felt . “Get out of the bathroom stall. a wedding gift from George. and let out a gasp. you’re missing the reception which I paid mucho dollars for. “Three. Her auburn hair was pulled up into tight curls. I guess.” Ophelia took a deep breath. and the big pink tulle skirt spread out around the bathroom stall like a cotton candy machine exploded. “what are you doing in there?” I looked at her in her bridal gown – a beautiful white satin mermaid dress with little lace sleeves. Figures. and this time the deadbolt moved smoothly. and one you’re my maid of honor.sugar from the coke crusted on my right arm and a giant stain set into the skirt.” I said. and a diamond necklace. “I’m just thinking.” I crossed my arms. “Give me three reasons. hung from her neck. “Effie. making it shake in the frame. Two. I need your help. mechanical click. . and held up three fingers. I heard a small. it’s starting to look like you live in there.
“No more lists. Not today.) I ate cake and there was nothing mom could say about it. . Effie. “Why is your ass wet? Did you sit in the toilet?” “Gross!” I said. Robbie.) Ophelia and I made plans to resume our Friday “sister dinners” the first Friday she got back from her honeymoon. We will not be inviting George or my boy-that-is-afriend. wrestling it away from Aunt Rosie. 2. Three-“ Ophelia wrapped her arms around me before I could finish the first reason. I want you to be a part of it. This is the biggest day of my life.“Three reasons why I’ll be better off living in the bathroom. Three Reasons I’m Glad I Didn’t Spend Ophelia’s Reception in the Bathroom 3. she had her chance.” Ophelia took a step back.) I caught the bouquet.) 1. (Hey.
When her friend. a love song – or a song that matches what her depression feels like. who suffers from depression. When one of the dorkiest kids in school . Hot Ticket (Middle Grade Mystery) – Juliet Robinson is the only sixth grader in John Jay Jr. Like everyone else in her community. Annaby. With the help of her best friend . Juliet decides that the ticketing system has to stop. High who hasn't received a "hot ticket" from the mysterious ticket dispenser. Asking Robbie out during a family gathering though. But for Brig. isn’t quite as easy as it seems. a song in a minor key will never be played. is chosen to go to Musician’s School and is given a Permit to Carry a musical instrument.receives a ticket before she does. The Engine Driver (Dystopian YA Short Story) – Sixteen-year-old Brig has never been allowed to hear a sad song in her entire life. to when she falls in love.Crammit Gibson . All that Effie wants for Christmas this year is to go out on her first date with Robbie – her boy-that-is-a-friend. but Effie is only halfconcerned about the fact that her sister may or may not be hiding the fact that she’s pregnant. instead of what her feelings should be.from when she's happy or sad.Other Works By This Author George & Ophelia’s First Christmas: An Effie Short Story (Contemporary YA) – It’s George and Ophelia’s first Christmas as a married couple. Brig knows that she has just this one chance to hear a sad song. the personal Playlist Treatment Plan that plays in her head is designed to control her emotions .
trade events and social networking. including contract and royalty terms. writer’s organizations.tracymarchini. More information about her and her critique services can be found at www. About The Author Tracy Marchini is a freelance writer and editorial consultant. she worked at a literary agency. Before launching her own editorial service. wholesalers. as a children's book reviewer. Juliet is determined to climb a few rungs on the middle school social ladder and catch the ticket dispenser once and for all! Pub Speak: A Writer’s Dictionary of Publishing Terms (Reference) – Pub Speak is a dictionary for both new and established authors that contains over 400 definitions.com. crafting fiction and nonfiction. a Daria-esque Madeline and her almost-crush Crammit. . publishing terms.Lucy. a newspaper correspondent and a freelance copywriter. retailers. book clubs. ebooks and audiobooks.
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