This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
Effie At The Wedding
Effie At The Wedding © 2011 by Tracy Marchini. Published by Squirrel Books. All rights reserved.
Effie At The Wedding
There are several reasons that I, Effie Green, don’t want to go to this wedding. First, I am dressed in a hideously pink silk dress. I didn’t even get this girlie at junior prom, and now my sister wants me to gently glide down the aisle in a pink so fluorescent that even the 80s would have rejected it. I’ve told Ophelia at least eight times that her pictures are going to look as if someone threw up radioactive Pepto-Bismol all over the place. She remains unconcerned. Secondly, I could sense that something was going to happen with Evan at Lisa’s party tonight. But now I’ll never know because I’ll be eating mini-hot dogs with a bunch of relatives I haven’t seen since I was growing out of my grade school uniforms at a rate of one per month. Lastly, when Ophelia gets married that means that George will officially become my brother-in-law.
The church is decorated in white daisies and long, pink silk banners. I stepped on the flower petals left behind by the flower girl as I walked up the aisle, trying to step on an equal number with my left and right foot. I tightened my lips and forced a halfgrimace (instead of a full one) towards George, before taking my seat in the front pew. I’m sure church bells are ringing, but my mother’s sobs are just loud enough to drown out everything but my own thoughts.
5 (Totally Selfish) Reasons I Do Not Want George As A Brother-In-Law
5.) My sister is only 20, and he is 29. That means he’s almost thirty, which means that when she’s forty, he’ll be almost fifty, and then when she’s fifty, he’ll be almost sixty. Too old.
4.) He just graduated med school. People never see their spouses when one is a doctor. And on Grey’s Anatomy, the doctors are always sleeping with the other doctors and nurses. Ophelia is cute, but she can’t compete with a tall, blonde-haired millionaire doctor. (Sorry, Ophelia.)
3.) He’s too nice. Nice is lame. Ophelia will be SO BORED when she’s like, 23 and realizes that her older, doctor boyfriend is too busy saving lives and golfing to go out clubbing.
2.) He’s too good looking. Again, the nurses are bound to fall in love with him.
1.) I will never be able to bring a boyfriend home without him also being a goodlooking, well mannered doctor. Which means that I am going to be single for the rest of my life, while my sister and her husband make lots of good-looking doctor babies. I will have lots of cats.
George and Ophelia are sitting next to each other on the altar while the Priest talks to us all about how we have to be open and honest with each other to make a
) And when I used to cut off all the hair on my Barbies. She’s going to be making dinner and doing dishes and thinking about going back to school herself now that George is almost finished with his residency. My stomach drops every time the Priest tells them that they’re looking at their new family. (I have the scars to this day. she won’t be worried about who might ask me to senior prom or have time to read my college application essays. I had twelve bald Barbies with pieces of orange felt super-glued to their heads.) But when Ophelia leaves. . He always smelled like dirty laundry and used to crack the stupidest jokes. She hasn’t ratted on my friends and I for drinking in the basement. he was the one to dump Ophelia because he actually found a second girl that wanted to date him. but that’s probably also because she’s getting us the vodka. Ophelia probably wasn’t the best big sister in the world. she would try to make Barbie wigs with pieces of felt. I thought she might marry her boyfriend before George.relationship work long-term. everyone circled my mom and I. But amazingly. I looked at the two of them.” I sighed. but she definitely wasn’t the worst. When I was in sixth grade she taught me how to shave my legs. Seriously! At the reception. He tended to talk with food flying out of his mouth. (In the end. Brian always gave me the creeps. It could have been worse. and I once caught him going through Ophelia’s underwear drawer. standing face to face and saying their “I do’s. Brian and Ophelia broke up when she was my age.
I went to the bar. “So. My Aunt Mia turned to me. don’t you dear? And she’ll have even more soon. “A coke. but didn’t have the nerve to try and order a real drink.” I scowled. He was the only reason I’d been invited to Lisa’s party in the first place. Soon. Either way. as in.” I said to the freckle-faced boy at the bar. “Effie has boys calling all the time. the boy she was referring to was Robbie.“He’s perfect!” “She’s beautiful!” “You must be so proud!” I looked sideways at my mother. He nodded and passed one over. My mom laughed. my long time boy-that-is-afriend. Ophelia rushed over and gave Aunt Mira a big hug.” I said. and I hastily made my escape. “I’m going to be a nun. “Why so glum?” he asked. when I’m back on Weight Watchers. I was just about to tell him that it was my sister’s wedding. who was beaming. is there a special boy in your life?” She gave me one of those smiles and I knew she was thinking wouldn’t that be cute. so that didn’t count. but suddenly felt selfconscious about spilling my guts to someone who was clearly not much older than . “Go!” she mouthed to me.
with plush purple velvet chairs placed beneath them. and finally made it to the women’s room. It had rooms instead of stalls and a separate dressing room with mirrors that covered the full length of the walls.myself. sipping my Coke. I went into one of the stalls/rooms. locked the door. How terrible would it be to be pouring my heart out to the bartender. The bathroom in this hotel was fancier than any public (or private) restroom I’d ever been in. “You’re going to be an excellent bartender when you’re older. crying against a coke on the rocks? So not going to happen. which is higher in rank than a doctor. she could have dated the Prince of Denmark. who has terrible taste in bridesmaids’ dresses. nodding to people who I think I’m supposed to know.” I said. I opened the door and let out a gasp. I took my coke and headed to the bathroom. Some mirrors had little tables that jutted out from the wall. I shuffled between wedding guests. which would have made her Shakespeare-loving sister extremely happy.) She never dated a guy named Hamlet. 3a.) This might have saved her from a bad swim in the river though. Three (Totally Selfish) Reasons Why Ophelia Should Not Get Married Right Now 3. has excellent taste in bathrooms. . 3b.) On the other hand. closed the toilet lid and just sat there. Ophelia.
the stall doors went down to the floor so nobody could see my feet. Luckily. Robbie only sees his brother like.” “I’ll visit all the time. Probably at the buffet.2. Are you ready to go back. My mom blew her nose again – a great big honk.) You can’t double date with your older sister if she’s married. 1. But you’ll be fine.” “Where is Effie?” Ophelia asked. I heard the door to the main bathroom open. What if George isn’t the one and she doesn’t know and she’s divorced by 25? Then she’ll have to move back home when I would have already moved out. dear? You don’t want to spend your whole reception in the bathroom. “She’s probably at the buffet. That’s what they all say. I snorted. That’s just weird. “We’ll miss you. they moved to Florida. “My girls are growing up so fast. When Robbie’s older brother got married.” Mom and Ophelia laughed and I heard a door shut behind them. once a year. . There was a loud nose-blow. “Are you sure?” It was Ophelia. of course.” Ophelia said. It was my mother. We’ll be fine.) Ophelia has only dated three guys.
It was a silver deadbolt. took the knob in both hands and tried to pull it to the right. frantically throwing the sides of my fists in front of me.2 More Selfish Reasons Ophelia Should Not Leave 2. which flew off the toilet paper roll and all down the side of my hideously pink dress. anyway. and it wouldn’t budge. I reached for the lock on the bathroom door. and wiped my sugar-coated right arm on my dress skirt. I’m going to be stuck in the bathroom for the rest of Ophelia’s reception. 1. I sat back down on the toilet lid. I propped my coke on the toilet paper roll. I wasn’t worried about the dress – I was never going to wear it again. 3 Reasons Why It Sucks to Be Locked In A Bathroom During Your Sister’s Reception . Nobody answered. It still wouldn’t budge.) I need her home to save me from Weight Watchers. Nothing. I banged on the door. the Cabbage Soup diet and whatever else my mom decides is best for me. I kicked the door. “Damn it!” I yelled.) I need her home to be my big sister. flailing my arms into the cup of coke.
1. One of the things we never talked about. I hadn’t had a chance to grab dinner before going to the ladies room.) Your sister won’t even notice you weren’t there. or how she liked working at the hospital. and how he’d never guess we were sisters (read: Ophelia is skinny). Of course. I invited him to come with us.) 2. (I’m sorry. and now I was going to miss the buffet and the cake. At least one Friday a week. But I thought he was cute.(Even If You’re Not Thrilled She’s Getting Married. who was dating who. I could eat guilt-free. I invited Robbie to join us. (Shut up. the next day in lab all he could talk about was how pretty Ophelia was. I just don’t care if the centerpieces are six inches tall or eight inches tall!) Anyway. she and I used to do a Friday night dinner. I like cake. Before Ophelia was consumed in wedding-related bullshit. he was just some guy that sat next to me in science lab. Or how much I was eating. We would talk about some of our mutual high school friends.) You can’t catch the bouquet. I smiled and nodded and pretended like I didn’t know what he was really saying. But I did. He was saying that he . before Ophelia was all about flowers and centerpieces and which color pink would look best on her bridesmaids. and so when I was talking to Ophelia in the hallway and he stopped to ask for earth science help.) You’re going to miss the cake. My stomach growled. I didn’t really know Robbie at that point.) 3. further solidifying your existence as a future cat lady. was what I was eating. When I was a freshman and Ophelia was a senior.
“Isn’t Ophelia beautiful?” I heard a gravelly voice ask. brace-faced plain Jane. while I could hear my Aunt tapping her heels. Grandma started to cough again. Grandma didn’t speak to me for a week. Instinctively. now that Ophelia’s bestfriend is George. I didn’t blame Ophelia… much. It always amuses me the way my grandmother can puff on a cigarette in one hand. She clearly wasn’t interested in Robbie. we’re still second-best-friends. Probably best-friends.couldn’t understand how one sister could be so beautiful. or frantically waving . she was always swaying. I heard the hacking cough of my grandmother.” she’d say while we were sitting around the kitchen table. and the other one a slightly overweight. “Obesity kills. She could never just sit still.” I had the balls to say once. you know. She was like one of those parachute-like blow-ups they put outside of car dealerships. I heard the music get a bit louder as the door swung open. And even though my stomach still drops a little every time Robbie mentions her name. “So does smoking. and poke at my fat with the other. I froze and listened. It was fine.
huh mom? Think I’m still young enough to get me a doctor? Maybe a hot divorcé. “you’ve got as good a chance as any of the rest of us.) Nobody would see that the butt of my dress was now soaked from the toilet sweating. During family reunions. She’s the only one in the family that got good genes. 1 a.) I think my business cards will one day read. or tapping her feet.” Grandma said.) I could avoid my grandmother and mother.” 3 Reasons It Might Not Be Horrendous to Spend the Rest of the Night in the Bathroom 3.” Aunt Rosie was slurring so it came out as “hawwwwwt divorshay. she was usually falling over.” “Effie?” I heard Ophelia calling from outside the door. “Effie. like one of the giant waving nylon tubes that had the fan on too low. Aunt Rosie (who was recently single) cleared her throat. “Effie Green: Big Embarrassing Mess. a puff of smoke and a plethora of “hawwwwt’s” in their wake. “Yeah.) Sometimes I wonder – is this really my life? 1 b.her arms.” 2. beautiful. are you in here?” . Grandma and Aunt Rosie had already left. 1.” “Well.) I wouldn’t have to listen to my Aunt talk about “hawwwwt divorshay’s.
Figures. you’re missing the reception which I paid mucho dollars for. and the big pink tulle skirt spread out around the bathroom stall like a cotton candy machine exploded. “Three.” I stepped up to the sink and washed the coke off my arm. Ophelia shook her head. mechanical click. and a diamond necklace. I guess. “Give me three reasons. otherwise I’m going to kill half of our relatives. I’m sure I looked like the big mess that I felt . and this time the deadbolt moved smoothly. I heard a small. hung from her neck. Her auburn hair was pulled up into tight curls. a wedding gift from George.” I said. hair hanging limply around my face.” Ophelia took a deep breath. “Effie. and one you’re my maid of honor. and let out a gasp.sugar from the coke crusted on my right arm and a giant stain set into the skirt. I need your help. “what are you doing in there?” I looked at her in her bridal gown – a beautiful white satin mermaid dress with little lace sleeves. Two.” she said. .Ophelia pounded on the door. Ophelia pushed open the door. making it shake in the frame. “I’m just thinking. I reached up to unlock the door.” I crossed my arms. and held up three fingers. it’s starting to look like you live in there. “Get out of the bathroom stall.
Effie. “No more lists.) 1. Three Reasons I’m Glad I Didn’t Spend Ophelia’s Reception in the Bathroom 3.) I ate cake and there was nothing mom could say about it. she had her chance.) I caught the bouquet.” Ophelia took a step back. “Why is your ass wet? Did you sit in the toilet?” “Gross!” I said.) Ophelia and I made plans to resume our Friday “sister dinners” the first Friday she got back from her honeymoon. 2. Not today. We will not be inviting George or my boy-that-is-afriend. Three-“ Ophelia wrapped her arms around me before I could finish the first reason. (Hey. wrestling it away from Aunt Rosie. . I want you to be a part of it.“Three reasons why I’ll be better off living in the bathroom. This is the biggest day of my life. Robbie.
Juliet decides that the ticketing system has to stop. Hot Ticket (Middle Grade Mystery) – Juliet Robinson is the only sixth grader in John Jay Jr. instead of what her feelings should be. but Effie is only halfconcerned about the fact that her sister may or may not be hiding the fact that she’s pregnant.Other Works By This Author George & Ophelia’s First Christmas: An Effie Short Story (Contemporary YA) – It’s George and Ophelia’s first Christmas as a married couple. is chosen to go to Musician’s School and is given a Permit to Carry a musical instrument. With the help of her best friend . Annaby. Like everyone else in her community. When one of the dorkiest kids in school . the personal Playlist Treatment Plan that plays in her head is designed to control her emotions . a song in a minor key will never be played. All that Effie wants for Christmas this year is to go out on her first date with Robbie – her boy-that-is-a-friend. The Engine Driver (Dystopian YA Short Story) – Sixteen-year-old Brig has never been allowed to hear a sad song in her entire life. Brig knows that she has just this one chance to hear a sad song. But for Brig.Crammit Gibson . a love song – or a song that matches what her depression feels like. isn’t quite as easy as it seems. Asking Robbie out during a family gathering though. High who hasn't received a "hot ticket" from the mysterious ticket dispenser. When her friend. who suffers from depression.receives a ticket before she does. to when she falls in love.from when she's happy or sad.
trade events and social networking. ebooks and audiobooks. . wholesalers. she worked at a literary agency. a Daria-esque Madeline and her almost-crush Crammit. retailers. including contract and royalty terms. Before launching her own editorial service. publishing terms. writer’s organizations. About The Author Tracy Marchini is a freelance writer and editorial consultant. book clubs. crafting fiction and nonfiction. as a children's book reviewer.Lucy. More information about her and her critique services can be found at www.com.tracymarchini. a newspaper correspondent and a freelance copywriter. Juliet is determined to climb a few rungs on the middle school social ladder and catch the ticket dispenser once and for all! Pub Speak: A Writer’s Dictionary of Publishing Terms (Reference) – Pub Speak is a dictionary for both new and established authors that contains over 400 definitions.