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Effie At The Wedding
Effie At The Wedding © 2011 by Tracy Marchini. Published by Squirrel Books. All rights reserved.
Effie At The Wedding
There are several reasons that I, Effie Green, don’t want to go to this wedding. First, I am dressed in a hideously pink silk dress. I didn’t even get this girlie at junior prom, and now my sister wants me to gently glide down the aisle in a pink so fluorescent that even the 80s would have rejected it. I’ve told Ophelia at least eight times that her pictures are going to look as if someone threw up radioactive Pepto-Bismol all over the place. She remains unconcerned. Secondly, I could sense that something was going to happen with Evan at Lisa’s party tonight. But now I’ll never know because I’ll be eating mini-hot dogs with a bunch of relatives I haven’t seen since I was growing out of my grade school uniforms at a rate of one per month. Lastly, when Ophelia gets married that means that George will officially become my brother-in-law.
The church is decorated in white daisies and long, pink silk banners. I stepped on the flower petals left behind by the flower girl as I walked up the aisle, trying to step on an equal number with my left and right foot. I tightened my lips and forced a halfgrimace (instead of a full one) towards George, before taking my seat in the front pew. I’m sure church bells are ringing, but my mother’s sobs are just loud enough to drown out everything but my own thoughts.
5 (Totally Selfish) Reasons I Do Not Want George As A Brother-In-Law
5.) My sister is only 20, and he is 29. That means he’s almost thirty, which means that when she’s forty, he’ll be almost fifty, and then when she’s fifty, he’ll be almost sixty. Too old.
4.) He just graduated med school. People never see their spouses when one is a doctor. And on Grey’s Anatomy, the doctors are always sleeping with the other doctors and nurses. Ophelia is cute, but she can’t compete with a tall, blonde-haired millionaire doctor. (Sorry, Ophelia.)
3.) He’s too nice. Nice is lame. Ophelia will be SO BORED when she’s like, 23 and realizes that her older, doctor boyfriend is too busy saving lives and golfing to go out clubbing.
2.) He’s too good looking. Again, the nurses are bound to fall in love with him.
1.) I will never be able to bring a boyfriend home without him also being a goodlooking, well mannered doctor. Which means that I am going to be single for the rest of my life, while my sister and her husband make lots of good-looking doctor babies. I will have lots of cats.
George and Ophelia are sitting next to each other on the altar while the Priest talks to us all about how we have to be open and honest with each other to make a
but she definitely wasn’t the worst. she won’t be worried about who might ask me to senior prom or have time to read my college application essays. Seriously! At the reception. . She’s going to be making dinner and doing dishes and thinking about going back to school herself now that George is almost finished with his residency. When I was in sixth grade she taught me how to shave my legs.) And when I used to cut off all the hair on my Barbies. she would try to make Barbie wigs with pieces of felt. I looked at the two of them. My stomach drops every time the Priest tells them that they’re looking at their new family. Ophelia probably wasn’t the best big sister in the world. He tended to talk with food flying out of his mouth.relationship work long-term. She hasn’t ratted on my friends and I for drinking in the basement. It could have been worse. But amazingly. everyone circled my mom and I. Brian always gave me the creeps. standing face to face and saying their “I do’s.) But when Ophelia leaves. Brian and Ophelia broke up when she was my age. He always smelled like dirty laundry and used to crack the stupidest jokes. (In the end. he was the one to dump Ophelia because he actually found a second girl that wanted to date him. and I once caught him going through Ophelia’s underwear drawer.” I sighed. but that’s probably also because she’s getting us the vodka. I thought she might marry her boyfriend before George. I had twelve bald Barbies with pieces of orange felt super-glued to their heads. (I have the scars to this day.
Soon. “A coke.” I scowled. as in. “Effie has boys calling all the time. is there a special boy in your life?” She gave me one of those smiles and I knew she was thinking wouldn’t that be cute. He nodded and passed one over.“He’s perfect!” “She’s beautiful!” “You must be so proud!” I looked sideways at my mother. the boy she was referring to was Robbie. I was just about to tell him that it was my sister’s wedding. my long time boy-that-is-afriend. when I’m back on Weight Watchers. but suddenly felt selfconscious about spilling my guts to someone who was clearly not much older than . My mom laughed. but didn’t have the nerve to try and order a real drink. Either way. “I’m going to be a nun. so that didn’t count. “Why so glum?” he asked. My Aunt Mia turned to me.” I said to the freckle-faced boy at the bar. who was beaming. Ophelia rushed over and gave Aunt Mira a big hug. He was the only reason I’d been invited to Lisa’s party in the first place. “Go!” she mouthed to me. and I hastily made my escape. “So.” I said. don’t you dear? And she’ll have even more soon. I went to the bar.
Ophelia. and finally made it to the women’s room. which is higher in rank than a doctor. crying against a coke on the rocks? So not going to happen. I shuffled between wedding guests.) This might have saved her from a bad swim in the river though. has excellent taste in bathrooms. I opened the door and let out a gasp. Some mirrors had little tables that jutted out from the wall. It had rooms instead of stalls and a separate dressing room with mirrors that covered the full length of the walls. How terrible would it be to be pouring my heart out to the bartender. who has terrible taste in bridesmaids’ dresses. 3b.myself. I took my coke and headed to the bathroom. nodding to people who I think I’m supposed to know. The bathroom in this hotel was fancier than any public (or private) restroom I’d ever been in. sipping my Coke. locked the door. with plush purple velvet chairs placed beneath them.) On the other hand. closed the toilet lid and just sat there. “You’re going to be an excellent bartender when you’re older. which would have made her Shakespeare-loving sister extremely happy. . I went into one of the stalls/rooms. Three (Totally Selfish) Reasons Why Ophelia Should Not Get Married Right Now 3. 3a.) She never dated a guy named Hamlet.” I said. she could have dated the Prince of Denmark.
of course. That’s what they all say.” Ophelia said. I heard the door to the main bathroom open.” “I’ll visit all the time. . I snorted. “She’s probably at the buffet.) Ophelia has only dated three guys. 1. once a year. dear? You don’t want to spend your whole reception in the bathroom.” “Where is Effie?” Ophelia asked. Probably at the buffet. It was my mother. That’s just weird. My mom blew her nose again – a great big honk. What if George isn’t the one and she doesn’t know and she’s divorced by 25? Then she’ll have to move back home when I would have already moved out. the stall doors went down to the floor so nobody could see my feet. “Are you sure?” It was Ophelia. they moved to Florida. But you’ll be fine. “We’ll miss you.2. Luckily. We’ll be fine. There was a loud nose-blow. When Robbie’s older brother got married.” Mom and Ophelia laughed and I heard a door shut behind them. “My girls are growing up so fast. Robbie only sees his brother like. Are you ready to go back.) You can’t double date with your older sister if she’s married.
“Damn it!” I yelled. frantically throwing the sides of my fists in front of me. and wiped my sugar-coated right arm on my dress skirt. I propped my coke on the toilet paper roll. I banged on the door. Nobody answered. 1. and it wouldn’t budge. 3 Reasons Why It Sucks to Be Locked In A Bathroom During Your Sister’s Reception . Nothing.2 More Selfish Reasons Ophelia Should Not Leave 2. I sat back down on the toilet lid. It was a silver deadbolt. I reached for the lock on the bathroom door. I wasn’t worried about the dress – I was never going to wear it again.) I need her home to be my big sister. took the knob in both hands and tried to pull it to the right. I kicked the door. I’m going to be stuck in the bathroom for the rest of Ophelia’s reception. It still wouldn’t budge. which flew off the toilet paper roll and all down the side of my hideously pink dress. flailing my arms into the cup of coke. the Cabbage Soup diet and whatever else my mom decides is best for me.) I need her home to save me from Weight Watchers. anyway.
He was saying that he .) You can’t catch the bouquet.) You’re going to miss the cake. she and I used to do a Friday night dinner.(Even If You’re Not Thrilled She’s Getting Married. We would talk about some of our mutual high school friends. before Ophelia was all about flowers and centerpieces and which color pink would look best on her bridesmaids. At least one Friday a week. further solidifying your existence as a future cat lady. I just don’t care if the centerpieces are six inches tall or eight inches tall!) Anyway. he was just some guy that sat next to me in science lab. 1. But I thought he was cute. When I was a freshman and Ophelia was a senior. the next day in lab all he could talk about was how pretty Ophelia was. or how she liked working at the hospital. My stomach growled. (I’m sorry. and now I was going to miss the buffet and the cake. I like cake. But I did. I invited Robbie to join us. Of course. who was dating who.) 3. I smiled and nodded and pretended like I didn’t know what he was really saying.) 2. Before Ophelia was consumed in wedding-related bullshit. and how he’d never guess we were sisters (read: Ophelia is skinny). and so when I was talking to Ophelia in the hallway and he stopped to ask for earth science help. I invited him to come with us. I didn’t really know Robbie at that point. I hadn’t had a chance to grab dinner before going to the ladies room. I could eat guilt-free.) Your sister won’t even notice you weren’t there. was what I was eating. Or how much I was eating. One of the things we never talked about. (Shut up.
I didn’t blame Ophelia… much. Grandma started to cough again. It always amuses me the way my grandmother can puff on a cigarette in one hand. we’re still second-best-friends. I heard the hacking cough of my grandmother. now that Ophelia’s bestfriend is George. She could never just sit still. and the other one a slightly overweight.” she’d say while we were sitting around the kitchen table. she was always swaying. I heard the music get a bit louder as the door swung open. “So does smoking. I froze and listened. brace-faced plain Jane. “Obesity kills. you know. and poke at my fat with the other. “Isn’t Ophelia beautiful?” I heard a gravelly voice ask. Probably best-friends.couldn’t understand how one sister could be so beautiful. She was like one of those parachute-like blow-ups they put outside of car dealerships.” I had the balls to say once. And even though my stomach still drops a little every time Robbie mentions her name. It was fine. or frantically waving . Grandma didn’t speak to me for a week. while I could hear my Aunt tapping her heels. She clearly wasn’t interested in Robbie. Instinctively.
” “Effie?” I heard Ophelia calling from outside the door.) Sometimes I wonder – is this really my life? 1 b.” Aunt Rosie was slurring so it came out as “hawwwwwt divorshay. a puff of smoke and a plethora of “hawwwwt’s” in their wake. like one of the giant waving nylon tubes that had the fan on too low.) I could avoid my grandmother and mother. huh mom? Think I’m still young enough to get me a doctor? Maybe a hot divorcé.” Grandma said. are you in here?” . During family reunions. “Effie. She’s the only one in the family that got good genes.” “Well.) I think my business cards will one day read.) I wouldn’t have to listen to my Aunt talk about “hawwwwt divorshay’s. “Yeah.) Nobody would see that the butt of my dress was now soaked from the toilet sweating. “you’ve got as good a chance as any of the rest of us.her arms. she was usually falling over. “Effie Green: Big Embarrassing Mess.” 3 Reasons It Might Not Be Horrendous to Spend the Rest of the Night in the Bathroom 3. Aunt Rosie (who was recently single) cleared her throat. beautiful. Grandma and Aunt Rosie had already left. 1 a.” 2. 1. or tapping her feet.
“Three. .” Ophelia took a deep breath. and let out a gasp.Ophelia pounded on the door. “I’m just thinking. I guess. “Get out of the bathroom stall. Figures. “what are you doing in there?” I looked at her in her bridal gown – a beautiful white satin mermaid dress with little lace sleeves. and held up three fingers. you’re missing the reception which I paid mucho dollars for. a wedding gift from George. and one you’re my maid of honor. “Give me three reasons. “Effie. Her auburn hair was pulled up into tight curls. Two. mechanical click. Ophelia pushed open the door.” I crossed my arms. otherwise I’m going to kill half of our relatives. and a diamond necklace. I need your help. I reached up to unlock the door. hung from her neck. I’m sure I looked like the big mess that I felt . making it shake in the frame. I heard a small.” I said. Ophelia shook her head.” she said. it’s starting to look like you live in there.sugar from the coke crusted on my right arm and a giant stain set into the skirt. and this time the deadbolt moved smoothly. hair hanging limply around my face. and the big pink tulle skirt spread out around the bathroom stall like a cotton candy machine exploded.” I stepped up to the sink and washed the coke off my arm.
2. “Why is your ass wet? Did you sit in the toilet?” “Gross!” I said. she had her chance. I want you to be a part of it. Not today.) Ophelia and I made plans to resume our Friday “sister dinners” the first Friday she got back from her honeymoon. Effie. (Hey. . We will not be inviting George or my boy-that-is-afriend.) 1. Robbie. Three-“ Ophelia wrapped her arms around me before I could finish the first reason. This is the biggest day of my life. Three Reasons I’m Glad I Didn’t Spend Ophelia’s Reception in the Bathroom 3. “No more lists.“Three reasons why I’ll be better off living in the bathroom. wrestling it away from Aunt Rosie.) I caught the bouquet.) I ate cake and there was nothing mom could say about it.” Ophelia took a step back.
who suffers from depression. isn’t quite as easy as it seems. High who hasn't received a "hot ticket" from the mysterious ticket dispenser. Brig knows that she has just this one chance to hear a sad song. is chosen to go to Musician’s School and is given a Permit to Carry a musical instrument. With the help of her best friend . The Engine Driver (Dystopian YA Short Story) – Sixteen-year-old Brig has never been allowed to hear a sad song in her entire life. But for Brig. the personal Playlist Treatment Plan that plays in her head is designed to control her emotions . When one of the dorkiest kids in school . instead of what her feelings should be. Hot Ticket (Middle Grade Mystery) – Juliet Robinson is the only sixth grader in John Jay Jr.from when she's happy or sad. Asking Robbie out during a family gathering though. a love song – or a song that matches what her depression feels like.receives a ticket before she does. When her friend.Other Works By This Author George & Ophelia’s First Christmas: An Effie Short Story (Contemporary YA) – It’s George and Ophelia’s first Christmas as a married couple. to when she falls in love. a song in a minor key will never be played. All that Effie wants for Christmas this year is to go out on her first date with Robbie – her boy-that-is-a-friend. Annaby. Juliet decides that the ticketing system has to stop. but Effie is only halfconcerned about the fact that her sister may or may not be hiding the fact that she’s pregnant.Crammit Gibson . Like everyone else in her community.
wholesalers. .com.tracymarchini. book clubs. including contract and royalty terms. Before launching her own editorial service. trade events and social networking. ebooks and audiobooks. writer’s organizations. crafting fiction and nonfiction. she worked at a literary agency. as a children's book reviewer. retailers. Juliet is determined to climb a few rungs on the middle school social ladder and catch the ticket dispenser once and for all! Pub Speak: A Writer’s Dictionary of Publishing Terms (Reference) – Pub Speak is a dictionary for both new and established authors that contains over 400 definitions. a Daria-esque Madeline and her almost-crush Crammit. About The Author Tracy Marchini is a freelance writer and editorial consultant. publishing terms. More information about her and her critique services can be found at www.Lucy. a newspaper correspondent and a freelance copywriter.
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