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Effie At The Wedding
Effie At The Wedding © 2011 by Tracy Marchini. Published by Squirrel Books. All rights reserved.
Effie At The Wedding
There are several reasons that I, Effie Green, don’t want to go to this wedding. First, I am dressed in a hideously pink silk dress. I didn’t even get this girlie at junior prom, and now my sister wants me to gently glide down the aisle in a pink so fluorescent that even the 80s would have rejected it. I’ve told Ophelia at least eight times that her pictures are going to look as if someone threw up radioactive Pepto-Bismol all over the place. She remains unconcerned. Secondly, I could sense that something was going to happen with Evan at Lisa’s party tonight. But now I’ll never know because I’ll be eating mini-hot dogs with a bunch of relatives I haven’t seen since I was growing out of my grade school uniforms at a rate of one per month. Lastly, when Ophelia gets married that means that George will officially become my brother-in-law.
The church is decorated in white daisies and long, pink silk banners. I stepped on the flower petals left behind by the flower girl as I walked up the aisle, trying to step on an equal number with my left and right foot. I tightened my lips and forced a halfgrimace (instead of a full one) towards George, before taking my seat in the front pew. I’m sure church bells are ringing, but my mother’s sobs are just loud enough to drown out everything but my own thoughts.
5 (Totally Selfish) Reasons I Do Not Want George As A Brother-In-Law
5.) My sister is only 20, and he is 29. That means he’s almost thirty, which means that when she’s forty, he’ll be almost fifty, and then when she’s fifty, he’ll be almost sixty. Too old.
4.) He just graduated med school. People never see their spouses when one is a doctor. And on Grey’s Anatomy, the doctors are always sleeping with the other doctors and nurses. Ophelia is cute, but she can’t compete with a tall, blonde-haired millionaire doctor. (Sorry, Ophelia.)
3.) He’s too nice. Nice is lame. Ophelia will be SO BORED when she’s like, 23 and realizes that her older, doctor boyfriend is too busy saving lives and golfing to go out clubbing.
2.) He’s too good looking. Again, the nurses are bound to fall in love with him.
1.) I will never be able to bring a boyfriend home without him also being a goodlooking, well mannered doctor. Which means that I am going to be single for the rest of my life, while my sister and her husband make lots of good-looking doctor babies. I will have lots of cats.
George and Ophelia are sitting next to each other on the altar while the Priest talks to us all about how we have to be open and honest with each other to make a
and I once caught him going through Ophelia’s underwear drawer.” I sighed. she would try to make Barbie wigs with pieces of felt. She’s going to be making dinner and doing dishes and thinking about going back to school herself now that George is almost finished with his residency. I had twelve bald Barbies with pieces of orange felt super-glued to their heads. When I was in sixth grade she taught me how to shave my legs. Ophelia probably wasn’t the best big sister in the world. but she definitely wasn’t the worst. I looked at the two of them.) And when I used to cut off all the hair on my Barbies. But amazingly. .relationship work long-term. I thought she might marry her boyfriend before George. It could have been worse.) But when Ophelia leaves. Brian always gave me the creeps. but that’s probably also because she’s getting us the vodka. (In the end. he was the one to dump Ophelia because he actually found a second girl that wanted to date him. everyone circled my mom and I. Seriously! At the reception. He tended to talk with food flying out of his mouth. She hasn’t ratted on my friends and I for drinking in the basement. He always smelled like dirty laundry and used to crack the stupidest jokes. standing face to face and saying their “I do’s. she won’t be worried about who might ask me to senior prom or have time to read my college application essays. (I have the scars to this day. My stomach drops every time the Priest tells them that they’re looking at their new family. Brian and Ophelia broke up when she was my age.
I was just about to tell him that it was my sister’s wedding. who was beaming. My mom laughed. as in. and I hastily made my escape. “Why so glum?” he asked.” I said. Soon. He was the only reason I’d been invited to Lisa’s party in the first place. “A coke.” I scowled. “Go!” she mouthed to me. Either way.“He’s perfect!” “She’s beautiful!” “You must be so proud!” I looked sideways at my mother. “Effie has boys calling all the time.” I said to the freckle-faced boy at the bar. don’t you dear? And she’ll have even more soon. but didn’t have the nerve to try and order a real drink. “I’m going to be a nun. He nodded and passed one over. so that didn’t count. “So. Ophelia rushed over and gave Aunt Mira a big hug. but suddenly felt selfconscious about spilling my guts to someone who was clearly not much older than . my long time boy-that-is-afriend. when I’m back on Weight Watchers. is there a special boy in your life?” She gave me one of those smiles and I knew she was thinking wouldn’t that be cute. I went to the bar. the boy she was referring to was Robbie. My Aunt Mia turned to me.
with plush purple velvet chairs placed beneath them.myself. The bathroom in this hotel was fancier than any public (or private) restroom I’d ever been in. “You’re going to be an excellent bartender when you’re older. has excellent taste in bathrooms. It had rooms instead of stalls and a separate dressing room with mirrors that covered the full length of the walls. she could have dated the Prince of Denmark. 3a. and finally made it to the women’s room.) This might have saved her from a bad swim in the river though. How terrible would it be to be pouring my heart out to the bartender. crying against a coke on the rocks? So not going to happen. which would have made her Shakespeare-loving sister extremely happy. I shuffled between wedding guests. which is higher in rank than a doctor. nodding to people who I think I’m supposed to know. Three (Totally Selfish) Reasons Why Ophelia Should Not Get Married Right Now 3. I opened the door and let out a gasp. closed the toilet lid and just sat there. 3b.) On the other hand. I went into one of the stalls/rooms. . Ophelia. Some mirrors had little tables that jutted out from the wall. sipping my Coke. who has terrible taste in bridesmaids’ dresses. I took my coke and headed to the bathroom. locked the door.” I said.) She never dated a guy named Hamlet.
But you’ll be fine. of course. 1. the stall doors went down to the floor so nobody could see my feet. Luckily.” Ophelia said.” “I’ll visit all the time. Robbie only sees his brother like. I heard the door to the main bathroom open. When Robbie’s older brother got married. My mom blew her nose again – a great big honk.) Ophelia has only dated three guys. “My girls are growing up so fast. We’ll be fine. dear? You don’t want to spend your whole reception in the bathroom.” “Where is Effie?” Ophelia asked. There was a loud nose-blow. once a year. Are you ready to go back.” Mom and Ophelia laughed and I heard a door shut behind them. Probably at the buffet. That’s what they all say. It was my mother.2. they moved to Florida. . “She’s probably at the buffet.) You can’t double date with your older sister if she’s married. What if George isn’t the one and she doesn’t know and she’s divorced by 25? Then she’ll have to move back home when I would have already moved out. “Are you sure?” It was Ophelia. I snorted. That’s just weird. “We’ll miss you.
I’m going to be stuck in the bathroom for the rest of Ophelia’s reception. the Cabbage Soup diet and whatever else my mom decides is best for me. I propped my coke on the toilet paper roll. flailing my arms into the cup of coke. I wasn’t worried about the dress – I was never going to wear it again. anyway. I kicked the door. Nothing. It was a silver deadbolt. frantically throwing the sides of my fists in front of me. I reached for the lock on the bathroom door. which flew off the toilet paper roll and all down the side of my hideously pink dress.2 More Selfish Reasons Ophelia Should Not Leave 2. took the knob in both hands and tried to pull it to the right.) I need her home to be my big sister. “Damn it!” I yelled. 3 Reasons Why It Sucks to Be Locked In A Bathroom During Your Sister’s Reception . I sat back down on the toilet lid. and wiped my sugar-coated right arm on my dress skirt. and it wouldn’t budge. 1. Nobody answered. It still wouldn’t budge. I banged on the door.) I need her home to save me from Weight Watchers.
At least one Friday a week. I could eat guilt-free. before Ophelia was all about flowers and centerpieces and which color pink would look best on her bridesmaids. I didn’t really know Robbie at that point. Or how much I was eating. further solidifying your existence as a future cat lady. I hadn’t had a chance to grab dinner before going to the ladies room. I like cake. We would talk about some of our mutual high school friends. (I’m sorry. and so when I was talking to Ophelia in the hallway and he stopped to ask for earth science help.) You’re going to miss the cake. But I thought he was cute. I invited him to come with us.) 2. He was saying that he . was what I was eating.(Even If You’re Not Thrilled She’s Getting Married. (Shut up. I invited Robbie to join us. the next day in lab all he could talk about was how pretty Ophelia was. When I was a freshman and Ophelia was a senior. he was just some guy that sat next to me in science lab. Of course. who was dating who. My stomach growled. 1.) You can’t catch the bouquet. she and I used to do a Friday night dinner. Before Ophelia was consumed in wedding-related bullshit. One of the things we never talked about.) Your sister won’t even notice you weren’t there. But I did.) 3. and how he’d never guess we were sisters (read: Ophelia is skinny). and now I was going to miss the buffet and the cake. I just don’t care if the centerpieces are six inches tall or eight inches tall!) Anyway. I smiled and nodded and pretended like I didn’t know what he was really saying. or how she liked working at the hospital.
and poke at my fat with the other. And even though my stomach still drops a little every time Robbie mentions her name. Grandma started to cough again. Grandma didn’t speak to me for a week. She was like one of those parachute-like blow-ups they put outside of car dealerships. now that Ophelia’s bestfriend is George. It always amuses me the way my grandmother can puff on a cigarette in one hand. or frantically waving .” I had the balls to say once. It was fine. while I could hear my Aunt tapping her heels. you know. I heard the music get a bit louder as the door swung open. “Isn’t Ophelia beautiful?” I heard a gravelly voice ask. I froze and listened.couldn’t understand how one sister could be so beautiful.” she’d say while we were sitting around the kitchen table. She clearly wasn’t interested in Robbie. Probably best-friends. and the other one a slightly overweight. “Obesity kills. Instinctively. she was always swaying. “So does smoking. I heard the hacking cough of my grandmother. I didn’t blame Ophelia… much. She could never just sit still. brace-faced plain Jane. we’re still second-best-friends.
” 3 Reasons It Might Not Be Horrendous to Spend the Rest of the Night in the Bathroom 3. She’s the only one in the family that got good genes. 1 a.” “Well.) Nobody would see that the butt of my dress was now soaked from the toilet sweating.) I think my business cards will one day read. Grandma and Aunt Rosie had already left. “Effie Green: Big Embarrassing Mess. Aunt Rosie (who was recently single) cleared her throat. are you in here?” . During family reunions.her arms.” “Effie?” I heard Ophelia calling from outside the door. 1. she was usually falling over. beautiful. “you’ve got as good a chance as any of the rest of us.” Grandma said. “Yeah.” 2.” Aunt Rosie was slurring so it came out as “hawwwwwt divorshay.) Sometimes I wonder – is this really my life? 1 b. or tapping her feet. huh mom? Think I’m still young enough to get me a doctor? Maybe a hot divorcé. like one of the giant waving nylon tubes that had the fan on too low. “Effie.) I wouldn’t have to listen to my Aunt talk about “hawwwwt divorshay’s.) I could avoid my grandmother and mother. a puff of smoke and a plethora of “hawwwwt’s” in their wake.
hair hanging limply around my face. a wedding gift from George. Figures. and the big pink tulle skirt spread out around the bathroom stall like a cotton candy machine exploded. you’re missing the reception which I paid mucho dollars for. I reached up to unlock the door. and let out a gasp. “I’m just thinking. mechanical click. Two.” she said. I need your help.” I crossed my arms. Ophelia pushed open the door. and a diamond necklace. Her auburn hair was pulled up into tight curls. hung from her neck. and held up three fingers. it’s starting to look like you live in there. “Give me three reasons. “what are you doing in there?” I looked at her in her bridal gown – a beautiful white satin mermaid dress with little lace sleeves. “Effie.Ophelia pounded on the door. and one you’re my maid of honor.” I stepped up to the sink and washed the coke off my arm. otherwise I’m going to kill half of our relatives. . “Three.” I said.” Ophelia took a deep breath. I guess. Ophelia shook her head.sugar from the coke crusted on my right arm and a giant stain set into the skirt. “Get out of the bathroom stall. I heard a small. I’m sure I looked like the big mess that I felt . and this time the deadbolt moved smoothly. making it shake in the frame.
We will not be inviting George or my boy-that-is-afriend. Three-“ Ophelia wrapped her arms around me before I could finish the first reason. Robbie. Not today. 2. “Why is your ass wet? Did you sit in the toilet?” “Gross!” I said. (Hey.) Ophelia and I made plans to resume our Friday “sister dinners” the first Friday she got back from her honeymoon.) I ate cake and there was nothing mom could say about it. Effie. “No more lists. wrestling it away from Aunt Rosie.” Ophelia took a step back. she had her chance.) I caught the bouquet.) 1. I want you to be a part of it. This is the biggest day of my life.“Three reasons why I’ll be better off living in the bathroom. Three Reasons I’m Glad I Didn’t Spend Ophelia’s Reception in the Bathroom 3. .
Brig knows that she has just this one chance to hear a sad song. When one of the dorkiest kids in school . a song in a minor key will never be played. Hot Ticket (Middle Grade Mystery) – Juliet Robinson is the only sixth grader in John Jay Jr. Asking Robbie out during a family gathering though. The Engine Driver (Dystopian YA Short Story) – Sixteen-year-old Brig has never been allowed to hear a sad song in her entire life. instead of what her feelings should be. With the help of her best friend . But for Brig. isn’t quite as easy as it seems. All that Effie wants for Christmas this year is to go out on her first date with Robbie – her boy-that-is-a-friend.Crammit Gibson . to when she falls in love.receives a ticket before she does. Annaby. but Effie is only halfconcerned about the fact that her sister may or may not be hiding the fact that she’s pregnant. Like everyone else in her community. When her friend. Juliet decides that the ticketing system has to stop. is chosen to go to Musician’s School and is given a Permit to Carry a musical instrument.Other Works By This Author George & Ophelia’s First Christmas: An Effie Short Story (Contemporary YA) – It’s George and Ophelia’s first Christmas as a married couple.from when she's happy or sad. a love song – or a song that matches what her depression feels like. the personal Playlist Treatment Plan that plays in her head is designed to control her emotions . High who hasn't received a "hot ticket" from the mysterious ticket dispenser. who suffers from depression.
More information about her and her critique services can be found at www. About The Author Tracy Marchini is a freelance writer and editorial consultant. Before launching her own editorial service. a newspaper correspondent and a freelance copywriter. book clubs. as a children's book reviewer. a Daria-esque Madeline and her almost-crush Crammit.tracymarchini. crafting fiction and nonfiction.Lucy. retailers.com. wholesalers. she worked at a literary agency. Juliet is determined to climb a few rungs on the middle school social ladder and catch the ticket dispenser once and for all! Pub Speak: A Writer’s Dictionary of Publishing Terms (Reference) – Pub Speak is a dictionary for both new and established authors that contains over 400 definitions. including contract and royalty terms. publishing terms. . writer’s organizations. ebooks and audiobooks. trade events and social networking.
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