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Effie At The Wedding
Effie At The Wedding © 2011 by Tracy Marchini. Published by Squirrel Books. All rights reserved.
Effie At The Wedding
There are several reasons that I, Effie Green, don’t want to go to this wedding. First, I am dressed in a hideously pink silk dress. I didn’t even get this girlie at junior prom, and now my sister wants me to gently glide down the aisle in a pink so fluorescent that even the 80s would have rejected it. I’ve told Ophelia at least eight times that her pictures are going to look as if someone threw up radioactive Pepto-Bismol all over the place. She remains unconcerned. Secondly, I could sense that something was going to happen with Evan at Lisa’s party tonight. But now I’ll never know because I’ll be eating mini-hot dogs with a bunch of relatives I haven’t seen since I was growing out of my grade school uniforms at a rate of one per month. Lastly, when Ophelia gets married that means that George will officially become my brother-in-law.
The church is decorated in white daisies and long, pink silk banners. I stepped on the flower petals left behind by the flower girl as I walked up the aisle, trying to step on an equal number with my left and right foot. I tightened my lips and forced a halfgrimace (instead of a full one) towards George, before taking my seat in the front pew. I’m sure church bells are ringing, but my mother’s sobs are just loud enough to drown out everything but my own thoughts.
5 (Totally Selfish) Reasons I Do Not Want George As A Brother-In-Law
5.) My sister is only 20, and he is 29. That means he’s almost thirty, which means that when she’s forty, he’ll be almost fifty, and then when she’s fifty, he’ll be almost sixty. Too old.
4.) He just graduated med school. People never see their spouses when one is a doctor. And on Grey’s Anatomy, the doctors are always sleeping with the other doctors and nurses. Ophelia is cute, but she can’t compete with a tall, blonde-haired millionaire doctor. (Sorry, Ophelia.)
3.) He’s too nice. Nice is lame. Ophelia will be SO BORED when she’s like, 23 and realizes that her older, doctor boyfriend is too busy saving lives and golfing to go out clubbing.
2.) He’s too good looking. Again, the nurses are bound to fall in love with him.
1.) I will never be able to bring a boyfriend home without him also being a goodlooking, well mannered doctor. Which means that I am going to be single for the rest of my life, while my sister and her husband make lots of good-looking doctor babies. I will have lots of cats.
George and Ophelia are sitting next to each other on the altar while the Priest talks to us all about how we have to be open and honest with each other to make a
but she definitely wasn’t the worst.” I sighed. When I was in sixth grade she taught me how to shave my legs. I looked at the two of them. (In the end. I thought she might marry her boyfriend before George. She’s going to be making dinner and doing dishes and thinking about going back to school herself now that George is almost finished with his residency. Seriously! At the reception. she won’t be worried about who might ask me to senior prom or have time to read my college application essays.relationship work long-term. Brian always gave me the creeps. He tended to talk with food flying out of his mouth. he was the one to dump Ophelia because he actually found a second girl that wanted to date him. (I have the scars to this day. but that’s probably also because she’s getting us the vodka.) And when I used to cut off all the hair on my Barbies. But amazingly. . everyone circled my mom and I. My stomach drops every time the Priest tells them that they’re looking at their new family. and I once caught him going through Ophelia’s underwear drawer.) But when Ophelia leaves. He always smelled like dirty laundry and used to crack the stupidest jokes. Brian and Ophelia broke up when she was my age. Ophelia probably wasn’t the best big sister in the world. I had twelve bald Barbies with pieces of orange felt super-glued to their heads. She hasn’t ratted on my friends and I for drinking in the basement. standing face to face and saying their “I do’s. she would try to make Barbie wigs with pieces of felt. It could have been worse.
I was just about to tell him that it was my sister’s wedding. my long time boy-that-is-afriend. the boy she was referring to was Robbie. “Go!” she mouthed to me. He nodded and passed one over. who was beaming. “Effie has boys calling all the time. Either way. My mom laughed. “I’m going to be a nun. “Why so glum?” he asked. He was the only reason I’d been invited to Lisa’s party in the first place.” I said to the freckle-faced boy at the bar. My Aunt Mia turned to me. as in. when I’m back on Weight Watchers. Ophelia rushed over and gave Aunt Mira a big hug.” I scowled.“He’s perfect!” “She’s beautiful!” “You must be so proud!” I looked sideways at my mother. Soon. “A coke. but suddenly felt selfconscious about spilling my guts to someone who was clearly not much older than . so that didn’t count. I went to the bar. don’t you dear? And she’ll have even more soon. and I hastily made my escape.” I said. “So. but didn’t have the nerve to try and order a real drink. is there a special boy in your life?” She gave me one of those smiles and I knew she was thinking wouldn’t that be cute.
I took my coke and headed to the bathroom. crying against a coke on the rocks? So not going to happen. and finally made it to the women’s room. which is higher in rank than a doctor. Three (Totally Selfish) Reasons Why Ophelia Should Not Get Married Right Now 3.) This might have saved her from a bad swim in the river though. I shuffled between wedding guests.myself. It had rooms instead of stalls and a separate dressing room with mirrors that covered the full length of the walls. . she could have dated the Prince of Denmark. I opened the door and let out a gasp. 3a.) She never dated a guy named Hamlet.” I said. with plush purple velvet chairs placed beneath them. I went into one of the stalls/rooms. Ophelia. The bathroom in this hotel was fancier than any public (or private) restroom I’d ever been in. who has terrible taste in bridesmaids’ dresses.) On the other hand. “You’re going to be an excellent bartender when you’re older. has excellent taste in bathrooms. nodding to people who I think I’m supposed to know. which would have made her Shakespeare-loving sister extremely happy. locked the door. 3b. How terrible would it be to be pouring my heart out to the bartender. closed the toilet lid and just sat there. sipping my Coke. Some mirrors had little tables that jutted out from the wall.
I snorted. I heard the door to the main bathroom open. Are you ready to go back. 1. We’ll be fine.” “I’ll visit all the time. .” “Where is Effie?” Ophelia asked. once a year.) Ophelia has only dated three guys. That’s what they all say. When Robbie’s older brother got married.” Ophelia said. dear? You don’t want to spend your whole reception in the bathroom.) You can’t double date with your older sister if she’s married. “My girls are growing up so fast. That’s just weird. What if George isn’t the one and she doesn’t know and she’s divorced by 25? Then she’ll have to move back home when I would have already moved out. There was a loud nose-blow. they moved to Florida. “Are you sure?” It was Ophelia. “We’ll miss you.2. Robbie only sees his brother like. Probably at the buffet. My mom blew her nose again – a great big honk. Luckily. But you’ll be fine. the stall doors went down to the floor so nobody could see my feet. of course. “She’s probably at the buffet.” Mom and Ophelia laughed and I heard a door shut behind them. It was my mother.
and it wouldn’t budge. I banged on the door. Nothing. the Cabbage Soup diet and whatever else my mom decides is best for me. I sat back down on the toilet lid. frantically throwing the sides of my fists in front of me. I’m going to be stuck in the bathroom for the rest of Ophelia’s reception. I propped my coke on the toilet paper roll.) I need her home to save me from Weight Watchers. anyway. I kicked the door.) I need her home to be my big sister. Nobody answered. 3 Reasons Why It Sucks to Be Locked In A Bathroom During Your Sister’s Reception . I reached for the lock on the bathroom door. flailing my arms into the cup of coke. I wasn’t worried about the dress – I was never going to wear it again. took the knob in both hands and tried to pull it to the right. It still wouldn’t budge. “Damn it!” I yelled. and wiped my sugar-coated right arm on my dress skirt. It was a silver deadbolt. 1. which flew off the toilet paper roll and all down the side of my hideously pink dress.2 More Selfish Reasons Ophelia Should Not Leave 2.
Of course. I just don’t care if the centerpieces are six inches tall or eight inches tall!) Anyway. We would talk about some of our mutual high school friends. who was dating who. and so when I was talking to Ophelia in the hallway and he stopped to ask for earth science help. he was just some guy that sat next to me in science lab. further solidifying your existence as a future cat lady. I hadn’t had a chance to grab dinner before going to the ladies room.) You can’t catch the bouquet. Before Ophelia was consumed in wedding-related bullshit.) 2.(Even If You’re Not Thrilled She’s Getting Married. (I’m sorry. One of the things we never talked about. When I was a freshman and Ophelia was a senior. the next day in lab all he could talk about was how pretty Ophelia was. 1. I invited him to come with us. My stomach growled. was what I was eating.) 3.) You’re going to miss the cake. she and I used to do a Friday night dinner. He was saying that he . I like cake. Or how much I was eating. I could eat guilt-free. I didn’t really know Robbie at that point. or how she liked working at the hospital. before Ophelia was all about flowers and centerpieces and which color pink would look best on her bridesmaids. and how he’d never guess we were sisters (read: Ophelia is skinny). and now I was going to miss the buffet and the cake. At least one Friday a week. I smiled and nodded and pretended like I didn’t know what he was really saying. (Shut up.) Your sister won’t even notice you weren’t there. But I thought he was cute. But I did. I invited Robbie to join us.
” I had the balls to say once. “Isn’t Ophelia beautiful?” I heard a gravelly voice ask. while I could hear my Aunt tapping her heels. she was always swaying. brace-faced plain Jane. She clearly wasn’t interested in Robbie. or frantically waving . “So does smoking. I didn’t blame Ophelia… much. we’re still second-best-friends. I heard the music get a bit louder as the door swung open. It always amuses me the way my grandmother can puff on a cigarette in one hand.couldn’t understand how one sister could be so beautiful. Probably best-friends. And even though my stomach still drops a little every time Robbie mentions her name. “Obesity kills. you know. I heard the hacking cough of my grandmother. now that Ophelia’s bestfriend is George. Grandma started to cough again. It was fine. and the other one a slightly overweight. I froze and listened. Grandma didn’t speak to me for a week. and poke at my fat with the other. She was like one of those parachute-like blow-ups they put outside of car dealerships. She could never just sit still.” she’d say while we were sitting around the kitchen table. Instinctively.
“you’ve got as good a chance as any of the rest of us.” “Effie?” I heard Ophelia calling from outside the door. “Effie Green: Big Embarrassing Mess.her arms. Aunt Rosie (who was recently single) cleared her throat.” “Well. like one of the giant waving nylon tubes that had the fan on too low. a puff of smoke and a plethora of “hawwwwt’s” in their wake. she was usually falling over. Grandma and Aunt Rosie had already left.) Sometimes I wonder – is this really my life? 1 b. She’s the only one in the family that got good genes.) I wouldn’t have to listen to my Aunt talk about “hawwwwt divorshay’s. are you in here?” .” Grandma said.) I could avoid my grandmother and mother.” Aunt Rosie was slurring so it came out as “hawwwwwt divorshay. beautiful. “Effie. 1 a. During family reunions. 1.) I think my business cards will one day read. huh mom? Think I’m still young enough to get me a doctor? Maybe a hot divorcé. “Yeah.” 3 Reasons It Might Not Be Horrendous to Spend the Rest of the Night in the Bathroom 3.) Nobody would see that the butt of my dress was now soaked from the toilet sweating.” 2. or tapping her feet.
” she said. hung from her neck.” Ophelia took a deep breath. Her auburn hair was pulled up into tight curls. Ophelia shook her head. a wedding gift from George. and a diamond necklace. “Get out of the bathroom stall.” I crossed my arms. and this time the deadbolt moved smoothly. Figures. “Give me three reasons. Two. and let out a gasp. . and held up three fingers. you’re missing the reception which I paid mucho dollars for. “Three. “I’m just thinking. I heard a small. it’s starting to look like you live in there.” I stepped up to the sink and washed the coke off my arm. Ophelia pushed open the door.sugar from the coke crusted on my right arm and a giant stain set into the skirt. and the big pink tulle skirt spread out around the bathroom stall like a cotton candy machine exploded.” I said. hair hanging limply around my face. mechanical click. I reached up to unlock the door. “Effie. otherwise I’m going to kill half of our relatives. I guess. “what are you doing in there?” I looked at her in her bridal gown – a beautiful white satin mermaid dress with little lace sleeves. I’m sure I looked like the big mess that I felt .Ophelia pounded on the door. and one you’re my maid of honor. making it shake in the frame. I need your help.
Effie. Robbie. 2. she had her chance. wrestling it away from Aunt Rosie.) I ate cake and there was nothing mom could say about it.) I caught the bouquet. We will not be inviting George or my boy-that-is-afriend.) Ophelia and I made plans to resume our Friday “sister dinners” the first Friday she got back from her honeymoon. Not today. (Hey.) 1. Three-“ Ophelia wrapped her arms around me before I could finish the first reason. . “No more lists. This is the biggest day of my life. Three Reasons I’m Glad I Didn’t Spend Ophelia’s Reception in the Bathroom 3. I want you to be a part of it. “Why is your ass wet? Did you sit in the toilet?” “Gross!” I said.“Three reasons why I’ll be better off living in the bathroom.” Ophelia took a step back.
but Effie is only halfconcerned about the fact that her sister may or may not be hiding the fact that she’s pregnant. With the help of her best friend . Asking Robbie out during a family gathering though. isn’t quite as easy as it seems. Hot Ticket (Middle Grade Mystery) – Juliet Robinson is the only sixth grader in John Jay Jr. When her friend. the personal Playlist Treatment Plan that plays in her head is designed to control her emotions .receives a ticket before she does. But for Brig. High who hasn't received a "hot ticket" from the mysterious ticket dispenser. Juliet decides that the ticketing system has to stop. Like everyone else in her community. The Engine Driver (Dystopian YA Short Story) – Sixteen-year-old Brig has never been allowed to hear a sad song in her entire life. All that Effie wants for Christmas this year is to go out on her first date with Robbie – her boy-that-is-a-friend. When one of the dorkiest kids in school .Crammit Gibson . Annaby.from when she's happy or sad. is chosen to go to Musician’s School and is given a Permit to Carry a musical instrument.Other Works By This Author George & Ophelia’s First Christmas: An Effie Short Story (Contemporary YA) – It’s George and Ophelia’s first Christmas as a married couple. to when she falls in love. instead of what her feelings should be. who suffers from depression. Brig knows that she has just this one chance to hear a sad song. a love song – or a song that matches what her depression feels like. a song in a minor key will never be played.
ebooks and audiobooks. Before launching her own editorial service. retailers. trade events and social networking. including contract and royalty terms. . a Daria-esque Madeline and her almost-crush Crammit. she worked at a literary agency. book clubs. a newspaper correspondent and a freelance copywriter.Lucy.tracymarchini. crafting fiction and nonfiction. as a children's book reviewer. Juliet is determined to climb a few rungs on the middle school social ladder and catch the ticket dispenser once and for all! Pub Speak: A Writer’s Dictionary of Publishing Terms (Reference) – Pub Speak is a dictionary for both new and established authors that contains over 400 definitions. About The Author Tracy Marchini is a freelance writer and editorial consultant.com. wholesalers. More information about her and her critique services can be found at www. publishing terms. writer’s organizations.
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