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Effie At The Wedding
Effie At The Wedding © 2011 by Tracy Marchini. Published by Squirrel Books. All rights reserved.
Effie At The Wedding
There are several reasons that I, Effie Green, don’t want to go to this wedding. First, I am dressed in a hideously pink silk dress. I didn’t even get this girlie at junior prom, and now my sister wants me to gently glide down the aisle in a pink so fluorescent that even the 80s would have rejected it. I’ve told Ophelia at least eight times that her pictures are going to look as if someone threw up radioactive Pepto-Bismol all over the place. She remains unconcerned. Secondly, I could sense that something was going to happen with Evan at Lisa’s party tonight. But now I’ll never know because I’ll be eating mini-hot dogs with a bunch of relatives I haven’t seen since I was growing out of my grade school uniforms at a rate of one per month. Lastly, when Ophelia gets married that means that George will officially become my brother-in-law.
The church is decorated in white daisies and long, pink silk banners. I stepped on the flower petals left behind by the flower girl as I walked up the aisle, trying to step on an equal number with my left and right foot. I tightened my lips and forced a halfgrimace (instead of a full one) towards George, before taking my seat in the front pew. I’m sure church bells are ringing, but my mother’s sobs are just loud enough to drown out everything but my own thoughts.
5 (Totally Selfish) Reasons I Do Not Want George As A Brother-In-Law
5.) My sister is only 20, and he is 29. That means he’s almost thirty, which means that when she’s forty, he’ll be almost fifty, and then when she’s fifty, he’ll be almost sixty. Too old.
4.) He just graduated med school. People never see their spouses when one is a doctor. And on Grey’s Anatomy, the doctors are always sleeping with the other doctors and nurses. Ophelia is cute, but she can’t compete with a tall, blonde-haired millionaire doctor. (Sorry, Ophelia.)
3.) He’s too nice. Nice is lame. Ophelia will be SO BORED when she’s like, 23 and realizes that her older, doctor boyfriend is too busy saving lives and golfing to go out clubbing.
2.) He’s too good looking. Again, the nurses are bound to fall in love with him.
1.) I will never be able to bring a boyfriend home without him also being a goodlooking, well mannered doctor. Which means that I am going to be single for the rest of my life, while my sister and her husband make lots of good-looking doctor babies. I will have lots of cats.
George and Ophelia are sitting next to each other on the altar while the Priest talks to us all about how we have to be open and honest with each other to make a
she would try to make Barbie wigs with pieces of felt. I looked at the two of them. Brian and Ophelia broke up when she was my age.relationship work long-term. . I thought she might marry her boyfriend before George. but that’s probably also because she’s getting us the vodka.) And when I used to cut off all the hair on my Barbies. When I was in sixth grade she taught me how to shave my legs. he was the one to dump Ophelia because he actually found a second girl that wanted to date him. He always smelled like dirty laundry and used to crack the stupidest jokes. My stomach drops every time the Priest tells them that they’re looking at their new family.) But when Ophelia leaves. Ophelia probably wasn’t the best big sister in the world. He tended to talk with food flying out of his mouth. (In the end. and I once caught him going through Ophelia’s underwear drawer. I had twelve bald Barbies with pieces of orange felt super-glued to their heads. she won’t be worried about who might ask me to senior prom or have time to read my college application essays. It could have been worse. She’s going to be making dinner and doing dishes and thinking about going back to school herself now that George is almost finished with his residency. everyone circled my mom and I. (I have the scars to this day.” I sighed. But amazingly. Seriously! At the reception. standing face to face and saying their “I do’s. She hasn’t ratted on my friends and I for drinking in the basement. Brian always gave me the creeps. but she definitely wasn’t the worst.
My mom laughed.” I scowled. My Aunt Mia turned to me.” I said.” I said to the freckle-faced boy at the bar. so that didn’t count. as in. “Go!” she mouthed to me. “Why so glum?” he asked. “Effie has boys calling all the time. when I’m back on Weight Watchers. who was beaming. but suddenly felt selfconscious about spilling my guts to someone who was clearly not much older than . but didn’t have the nerve to try and order a real drink. “So. my long time boy-that-is-afriend. don’t you dear? And she’ll have even more soon. “A coke.“He’s perfect!” “She’s beautiful!” “You must be so proud!” I looked sideways at my mother. He was the only reason I’d been invited to Lisa’s party in the first place. I was just about to tell him that it was my sister’s wedding. Either way. Soon. “I’m going to be a nun. the boy she was referring to was Robbie. He nodded and passed one over. I went to the bar. and I hastily made my escape. is there a special boy in your life?” She gave me one of those smiles and I knew she was thinking wouldn’t that be cute. Ophelia rushed over and gave Aunt Mira a big hug.
) She never dated a guy named Hamlet. locked the door. I took my coke and headed to the bathroom.myself. I opened the door and let out a gasp. and finally made it to the women’s room. closed the toilet lid and just sat there. Three (Totally Selfish) Reasons Why Ophelia Should Not Get Married Right Now 3. with plush purple velvet chairs placed beneath them.) This might have saved her from a bad swim in the river though. I went into one of the stalls/rooms. which is higher in rank than a doctor.) On the other hand. nodding to people who I think I’m supposed to know. It had rooms instead of stalls and a separate dressing room with mirrors that covered the full length of the walls. sipping my Coke. Ophelia. Some mirrors had little tables that jutted out from the wall. The bathroom in this hotel was fancier than any public (or private) restroom I’d ever been in. has excellent taste in bathrooms. crying against a coke on the rocks? So not going to happen. . 3a. she could have dated the Prince of Denmark. 3b. How terrible would it be to be pouring my heart out to the bartender. which would have made her Shakespeare-loving sister extremely happy.” I said. “You’re going to be an excellent bartender when you’re older. I shuffled between wedding guests. who has terrible taste in bridesmaids’ dresses.
It was my mother. My mom blew her nose again – a great big honk. the stall doors went down to the floor so nobody could see my feet.” Ophelia said.” “Where is Effie?” Ophelia asked. of course. I snorted.2. I heard the door to the main bathroom open. But you’ll be fine. dear? You don’t want to spend your whole reception in the bathroom. “We’ll miss you. . “My girls are growing up so fast. When Robbie’s older brother got married. 1.) Ophelia has only dated three guys. That’s what they all say.” Mom and Ophelia laughed and I heard a door shut behind them. “Are you sure?” It was Ophelia. Luckily. Probably at the buffet. That’s just weird. Are you ready to go back. What if George isn’t the one and she doesn’t know and she’s divorced by 25? Then she’ll have to move back home when I would have already moved out. “She’s probably at the buffet. once a year. Robbie only sees his brother like. There was a loud nose-blow.” “I’ll visit all the time. they moved to Florida.) You can’t double date with your older sister if she’s married. We’ll be fine.
anyway. flailing my arms into the cup of coke. I reached for the lock on the bathroom door. I banged on the door. and it wouldn’t budge. Nothing. It still wouldn’t budge. I sat back down on the toilet lid. Nobody answered. and wiped my sugar-coated right arm on my dress skirt.) I need her home to be my big sister. the Cabbage Soup diet and whatever else my mom decides is best for me.) I need her home to save me from Weight Watchers. I’m going to be stuck in the bathroom for the rest of Ophelia’s reception. frantically throwing the sides of my fists in front of me. I kicked the door. It was a silver deadbolt. 1. I wasn’t worried about the dress – I was never going to wear it again. took the knob in both hands and tried to pull it to the right. which flew off the toilet paper roll and all down the side of my hideously pink dress. I propped my coke on the toilet paper roll.2 More Selfish Reasons Ophelia Should Not Leave 2. 3 Reasons Why It Sucks to Be Locked In A Bathroom During Your Sister’s Reception . “Damn it!” I yelled.
or how she liked working at the hospital. she and I used to do a Friday night dinner. and now I was going to miss the buffet and the cake. My stomach growled. At least one Friday a week.) 3. I just don’t care if the centerpieces are six inches tall or eight inches tall!) Anyway. Or how much I was eating. before Ophelia was all about flowers and centerpieces and which color pink would look best on her bridesmaids. One of the things we never talked about. I could eat guilt-free. I didn’t really know Robbie at that point. I invited Robbie to join us. (I’m sorry. I invited him to come with us.) You can’t catch the bouquet. Of course. was what I was eating. He was saying that he . who was dating who. But I did. he was just some guy that sat next to me in science lab. and so when I was talking to Ophelia in the hallway and he stopped to ask for earth science help. I like cake. and how he’d never guess we were sisters (read: Ophelia is skinny). But I thought he was cute. We would talk about some of our mutual high school friends. further solidifying your existence as a future cat lady.) You’re going to miss the cake. 1. When I was a freshman and Ophelia was a senior. I smiled and nodded and pretended like I didn’t know what he was really saying. Before Ophelia was consumed in wedding-related bullshit.(Even If You’re Not Thrilled She’s Getting Married. I hadn’t had a chance to grab dinner before going to the ladies room. the next day in lab all he could talk about was how pretty Ophelia was.) 2. (Shut up.) Your sister won’t even notice you weren’t there.
I didn’t blame Ophelia… much. brace-faced plain Jane. She was like one of those parachute-like blow-ups they put outside of car dealerships. “Isn’t Ophelia beautiful?” I heard a gravelly voice ask. And even though my stomach still drops a little every time Robbie mentions her name. and the other one a slightly overweight. She could never just sit still. I froze and listened. Instinctively. we’re still second-best-friends. while I could hear my Aunt tapping her heels. It was fine.” I had the balls to say once. “Obesity kills. Grandma didn’t speak to me for a week. I heard the hacking cough of my grandmother. she was always swaying. now that Ophelia’s bestfriend is George. I heard the music get a bit louder as the door swung open. She clearly wasn’t interested in Robbie. and poke at my fat with the other. “So does smoking. Grandma started to cough again. you know.” she’d say while we were sitting around the kitchen table. or frantically waving .couldn’t understand how one sister could be so beautiful. It always amuses me the way my grandmother can puff on a cigarette in one hand. Probably best-friends.
her arms.) I wouldn’t have to listen to my Aunt talk about “hawwwwt divorshay’s.” “Well.) Sometimes I wonder – is this really my life? 1 b.” 2. Grandma and Aunt Rosie had already left. like one of the giant waving nylon tubes that had the fan on too low. are you in here?” . “Yeah.) Nobody would see that the butt of my dress was now soaked from the toilet sweating. “Effie Green: Big Embarrassing Mess. 1.) I could avoid my grandmother and mother. “Effie. a puff of smoke and a plethora of “hawwwwt’s” in their wake. She’s the only one in the family that got good genes. During family reunions. beautiful.” 3 Reasons It Might Not Be Horrendous to Spend the Rest of the Night in the Bathroom 3. Aunt Rosie (who was recently single) cleared her throat. 1 a.” Aunt Rosie was slurring so it came out as “hawwwwwt divorshay.” Grandma said.) I think my business cards will one day read. she was usually falling over. “you’ve got as good a chance as any of the rest of us. huh mom? Think I’m still young enough to get me a doctor? Maybe a hot divorcé. or tapping her feet.” “Effie?” I heard Ophelia calling from outside the door.
” I stepped up to the sink and washed the coke off my arm. and a diamond necklace. I heard a small.” I said. hair hanging limply around my face. I reached up to unlock the door.sugar from the coke crusted on my right arm and a giant stain set into the skirt. a wedding gift from George. “Three. Ophelia shook her head.Ophelia pounded on the door. you’re missing the reception which I paid mucho dollars for.” I crossed my arms. otherwise I’m going to kill half of our relatives. hung from her neck. “Get out of the bathroom stall. making it shake in the frame. “Effie. I’m sure I looked like the big mess that I felt . and held up three fingers. and the big pink tulle skirt spread out around the bathroom stall like a cotton candy machine exploded. it’s starting to look like you live in there. and let out a gasp. “Give me three reasons.” she said. and this time the deadbolt moved smoothly. mechanical click. “what are you doing in there?” I looked at her in her bridal gown – a beautiful white satin mermaid dress with little lace sleeves. . and one you’re my maid of honor. “I’m just thinking. Her auburn hair was pulled up into tight curls. Figures.” Ophelia took a deep breath. Two. I need your help. I guess. Ophelia pushed open the door.
wrestling it away from Aunt Rosie. 2. This is the biggest day of my life. . she had her chance. Three Reasons I’m Glad I Didn’t Spend Ophelia’s Reception in the Bathroom 3. (Hey.“Three reasons why I’ll be better off living in the bathroom. Three-“ Ophelia wrapped her arms around me before I could finish the first reason.) I caught the bouquet. I want you to be a part of it. Robbie. “Why is your ass wet? Did you sit in the toilet?” “Gross!” I said. Not today.” Ophelia took a step back.) 1. We will not be inviting George or my boy-that-is-afriend. “No more lists.) Ophelia and I made plans to resume our Friday “sister dinners” the first Friday she got back from her honeymoon.) I ate cake and there was nothing mom could say about it. Effie.
from when she's happy or sad. All that Effie wants for Christmas this year is to go out on her first date with Robbie – her boy-that-is-a-friend. Hot Ticket (Middle Grade Mystery) – Juliet Robinson is the only sixth grader in John Jay Jr. High who hasn't received a "hot ticket" from the mysterious ticket dispenser. When her friend.receives a ticket before she does. isn’t quite as easy as it seems. Annaby. the personal Playlist Treatment Plan that plays in her head is designed to control her emotions .Other Works By This Author George & Ophelia’s First Christmas: An Effie Short Story (Contemporary YA) – It’s George and Ophelia’s first Christmas as a married couple. a song in a minor key will never be played. The Engine Driver (Dystopian YA Short Story) – Sixteen-year-old Brig has never been allowed to hear a sad song in her entire life. to when she falls in love. With the help of her best friend . Juliet decides that the ticketing system has to stop. who suffers from depression. but Effie is only halfconcerned about the fact that her sister may or may not be hiding the fact that she’s pregnant. When one of the dorkiest kids in school . instead of what her feelings should be.Crammit Gibson . Brig knows that she has just this one chance to hear a sad song. But for Brig. Asking Robbie out during a family gathering though. is chosen to go to Musician’s School and is given a Permit to Carry a musical instrument. Like everyone else in her community. a love song – or a song that matches what her depression feels like.
More information about her and her critique services can be found at www. About The Author Tracy Marchini is a freelance writer and editorial consultant.com. retailers. writer’s organizations. a newspaper correspondent and a freelance copywriter. publishing terms. she worked at a literary agency. .tracymarchini. as a children's book reviewer. Juliet is determined to climb a few rungs on the middle school social ladder and catch the ticket dispenser once and for all! Pub Speak: A Writer’s Dictionary of Publishing Terms (Reference) – Pub Speak is a dictionary for both new and established authors that contains over 400 definitions. ebooks and audiobooks. Before launching her own editorial service. wholesalers.Lucy. a Daria-esque Madeline and her almost-crush Crammit. crafting fiction and nonfiction. trade events and social networking. book clubs. including contract and royalty terms.
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