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Effie At The Wedding
Effie At The Wedding © 2011 by Tracy Marchini. Published by Squirrel Books. All rights reserved.
Effie At The Wedding
There are several reasons that I, Effie Green, don’t want to go to this wedding. First, I am dressed in a hideously pink silk dress. I didn’t even get this girlie at junior prom, and now my sister wants me to gently glide down the aisle in a pink so fluorescent that even the 80s would have rejected it. I’ve told Ophelia at least eight times that her pictures are going to look as if someone threw up radioactive Pepto-Bismol all over the place. She remains unconcerned. Secondly, I could sense that something was going to happen with Evan at Lisa’s party tonight. But now I’ll never know because I’ll be eating mini-hot dogs with a bunch of relatives I haven’t seen since I was growing out of my grade school uniforms at a rate of one per month. Lastly, when Ophelia gets married that means that George will officially become my brother-in-law.
The church is decorated in white daisies and long, pink silk banners. I stepped on the flower petals left behind by the flower girl as I walked up the aisle, trying to step on an equal number with my left and right foot. I tightened my lips and forced a halfgrimace (instead of a full one) towards George, before taking my seat in the front pew. I’m sure church bells are ringing, but my mother’s sobs are just loud enough to drown out everything but my own thoughts.
5 (Totally Selfish) Reasons I Do Not Want George As A Brother-In-Law
5.) My sister is only 20, and he is 29. That means he’s almost thirty, which means that when she’s forty, he’ll be almost fifty, and then when she’s fifty, he’ll be almost sixty. Too old.
4.) He just graduated med school. People never see their spouses when one is a doctor. And on Grey’s Anatomy, the doctors are always sleeping with the other doctors and nurses. Ophelia is cute, but she can’t compete with a tall, blonde-haired millionaire doctor. (Sorry, Ophelia.)
3.) He’s too nice. Nice is lame. Ophelia will be SO BORED when she’s like, 23 and realizes that her older, doctor boyfriend is too busy saving lives and golfing to go out clubbing.
2.) He’s too good looking. Again, the nurses are bound to fall in love with him.
1.) I will never be able to bring a boyfriend home without him also being a goodlooking, well mannered doctor. Which means that I am going to be single for the rest of my life, while my sister and her husband make lots of good-looking doctor babies. I will have lots of cats.
George and Ophelia are sitting next to each other on the altar while the Priest talks to us all about how we have to be open and honest with each other to make a
but she definitely wasn’t the worst. She hasn’t ratted on my friends and I for drinking in the basement.” I sighed. (In the end. she won’t be worried about who might ask me to senior prom or have time to read my college application essays. Brian and Ophelia broke up when she was my age. He always smelled like dirty laundry and used to crack the stupidest jokes. everyone circled my mom and I. My stomach drops every time the Priest tells them that they’re looking at their new family. I thought she might marry her boyfriend before George. Brian always gave me the creeps. When I was in sixth grade she taught me how to shave my legs.) But when Ophelia leaves. But amazingly. (I have the scars to this day. She’s going to be making dinner and doing dishes and thinking about going back to school herself now that George is almost finished with his residency. Ophelia probably wasn’t the best big sister in the world.relationship work long-term. she would try to make Barbie wigs with pieces of felt.) And when I used to cut off all the hair on my Barbies. He tended to talk with food flying out of his mouth. standing face to face and saying their “I do’s. he was the one to dump Ophelia because he actually found a second girl that wanted to date him. and I once caught him going through Ophelia’s underwear drawer. I looked at the two of them. I had twelve bald Barbies with pieces of orange felt super-glued to their heads. It could have been worse. but that’s probably also because she’s getting us the vodka. Seriously! At the reception. .
but suddenly felt selfconscious about spilling my guts to someone who was clearly not much older than . my long time boy-that-is-afriend. the boy she was referring to was Robbie. Ophelia rushed over and gave Aunt Mira a big hug.“He’s perfect!” “She’s beautiful!” “You must be so proud!” I looked sideways at my mother. “So. “Why so glum?” he asked. “I’m going to be a nun. He nodded and passed one over. My Aunt Mia turned to me.” I scowled.” I said. don’t you dear? And she’ll have even more soon. is there a special boy in your life?” She gave me one of those smiles and I knew she was thinking wouldn’t that be cute. “Go!” she mouthed to me. “A coke.” I said to the freckle-faced boy at the bar. Soon. He was the only reason I’d been invited to Lisa’s party in the first place. and I hastily made my escape. so that didn’t count. My mom laughed. “Effie has boys calling all the time. as in. I went to the bar. when I’m back on Weight Watchers. who was beaming. but didn’t have the nerve to try and order a real drink. Either way. I was just about to tell him that it was my sister’s wedding.
closed the toilet lid and just sat there. who has terrible taste in bridesmaids’ dresses. How terrible would it be to be pouring my heart out to the bartender.) This might have saved her from a bad swim in the river though. Some mirrors had little tables that jutted out from the wall. Ophelia. It had rooms instead of stalls and a separate dressing room with mirrors that covered the full length of the walls. The bathroom in this hotel was fancier than any public (or private) restroom I’d ever been in. crying against a coke on the rocks? So not going to happen. 3b. .) She never dated a guy named Hamlet.) On the other hand.” I said. I went into one of the stalls/rooms. nodding to people who I think I’m supposed to know. Three (Totally Selfish) Reasons Why Ophelia Should Not Get Married Right Now 3. has excellent taste in bathrooms. I took my coke and headed to the bathroom.myself. 3a. sipping my Coke. which is higher in rank than a doctor. I opened the door and let out a gasp. locked the door. which would have made her Shakespeare-loving sister extremely happy. and finally made it to the women’s room. with plush purple velvet chairs placed beneath them. she could have dated the Prince of Denmark. “You’re going to be an excellent bartender when you’re older. I shuffled between wedding guests.
It was my mother. of course.) You can’t double date with your older sister if she’s married. My mom blew her nose again – a great big honk. Probably at the buffet.” “I’ll visit all the time. What if George isn’t the one and she doesn’t know and she’s divorced by 25? Then she’ll have to move back home when I would have already moved out. When Robbie’s older brother got married. I heard the door to the main bathroom open. “Are you sure?” It was Ophelia. That’s what they all say.” Mom and Ophelia laughed and I heard a door shut behind them. Robbie only sees his brother like. Luckily. once a year. “She’s probably at the buffet.” Ophelia said. I snorted. dear? You don’t want to spend your whole reception in the bathroom.” “Where is Effie?” Ophelia asked. “My girls are growing up so fast. 1.2. .) Ophelia has only dated three guys. the stall doors went down to the floor so nobody could see my feet. they moved to Florida. That’s just weird. “We’ll miss you. But you’ll be fine. Are you ready to go back. There was a loud nose-blow. We’ll be fine.
the Cabbage Soup diet and whatever else my mom decides is best for me. anyway. “Damn it!” I yelled.) I need her home to save me from Weight Watchers. I sat back down on the toilet lid.2 More Selfish Reasons Ophelia Should Not Leave 2. 1. and it wouldn’t budge. Nothing. frantically throwing the sides of my fists in front of me. Nobody answered. I wasn’t worried about the dress – I was never going to wear it again. I propped my coke on the toilet paper roll.) I need her home to be my big sister. flailing my arms into the cup of coke. I kicked the door. took the knob in both hands and tried to pull it to the right. It was a silver deadbolt. I’m going to be stuck in the bathroom for the rest of Ophelia’s reception. which flew off the toilet paper roll and all down the side of my hideously pink dress. and wiped my sugar-coated right arm on my dress skirt. It still wouldn’t budge. I banged on the door. I reached for the lock on the bathroom door. 3 Reasons Why It Sucks to Be Locked In A Bathroom During Your Sister’s Reception .
I could eat guilt-free. He was saying that he .) Your sister won’t even notice you weren’t there. she and I used to do a Friday night dinner. I smiled and nodded and pretended like I didn’t know what he was really saying. But I did.) 2. I didn’t really know Robbie at that point. One of the things we never talked about. Or how much I was eating. and how he’d never guess we were sisters (read: Ophelia is skinny).) 3. before Ophelia was all about flowers and centerpieces and which color pink would look best on her bridesmaids. who was dating who. We would talk about some of our mutual high school friends. further solidifying your existence as a future cat lady. Of course. and so when I was talking to Ophelia in the hallway and he stopped to ask for earth science help.) You can’t catch the bouquet. (I’m sorry. I just don’t care if the centerpieces are six inches tall or eight inches tall!) Anyway. 1. At least one Friday a week. or how she liked working at the hospital. But I thought he was cute.) You’re going to miss the cake. he was just some guy that sat next to me in science lab. Before Ophelia was consumed in wedding-related bullshit. and now I was going to miss the buffet and the cake. was what I was eating. When I was a freshman and Ophelia was a senior. I invited Robbie to join us. (Shut up. My stomach growled. I invited him to come with us. the next day in lab all he could talk about was how pretty Ophelia was. I hadn’t had a chance to grab dinner before going to the ladies room. I like cake.(Even If You’re Not Thrilled She’s Getting Married.
It was fine. I froze and listened. or frantically waving . Instinctively.couldn’t understand how one sister could be so beautiful.” she’d say while we were sitting around the kitchen table. “Obesity kills. She clearly wasn’t interested in Robbie. and the other one a slightly overweight. And even though my stomach still drops a little every time Robbie mentions her name. you know. while I could hear my Aunt tapping her heels. She could never just sit still. “Isn’t Ophelia beautiful?” I heard a gravelly voice ask. I heard the music get a bit louder as the door swung open. I heard the hacking cough of my grandmother. Probably best-friends. and poke at my fat with the other. we’re still second-best-friends.” I had the balls to say once. It always amuses me the way my grandmother can puff on a cigarette in one hand. Grandma started to cough again. brace-faced plain Jane. “So does smoking. I didn’t blame Ophelia… much. Grandma didn’t speak to me for a week. she was always swaying. now that Ophelia’s bestfriend is George. She was like one of those parachute-like blow-ups they put outside of car dealerships.
“Yeah.” “Effie?” I heard Ophelia calling from outside the door. 1. Grandma and Aunt Rosie had already left. Aunt Rosie (who was recently single) cleared her throat.” 3 Reasons It Might Not Be Horrendous to Spend the Rest of the Night in the Bathroom 3.” 2.) I think my business cards will one day read. She’s the only one in the family that got good genes. “Effie. a puff of smoke and a plethora of “hawwwwt’s” in their wake. she was usually falling over.) I wouldn’t have to listen to my Aunt talk about “hawwwwt divorshay’s. 1 a. “Effie Green: Big Embarrassing Mess. beautiful. are you in here?” . During family reunions. like one of the giant waving nylon tubes that had the fan on too low. or tapping her feet.) I could avoid my grandmother and mother.” Grandma said.) Nobody would see that the butt of my dress was now soaked from the toilet sweating. “you’ve got as good a chance as any of the rest of us.” “Well.) Sometimes I wonder – is this really my life? 1 b.” Aunt Rosie was slurring so it came out as “hawwwwwt divorshay. huh mom? Think I’m still young enough to get me a doctor? Maybe a hot divorcé.her arms.
and held up three fingers. it’s starting to look like you live in there. I heard a small.” she said. “I’m just thinking. “Effie.” I said. and this time the deadbolt moved smoothly. Figures. “Three. I guess. Ophelia shook her head. and one you’re my maid of honor. hair hanging limply around my face. and let out a gasp. Ophelia pushed open the door.” I crossed my arms.Ophelia pounded on the door. I reached up to unlock the door.sugar from the coke crusted on my right arm and a giant stain set into the skirt. mechanical click. a wedding gift from George. making it shake in the frame. . otherwise I’m going to kill half of our relatives. Two. “Get out of the bathroom stall. I’m sure I looked like the big mess that I felt . hung from her neck. “what are you doing in there?” I looked at her in her bridal gown – a beautiful white satin mermaid dress with little lace sleeves.” Ophelia took a deep breath. Her auburn hair was pulled up into tight curls. I need your help. and the big pink tulle skirt spread out around the bathroom stall like a cotton candy machine exploded. you’re missing the reception which I paid mucho dollars for.” I stepped up to the sink and washed the coke off my arm. “Give me three reasons. and a diamond necklace.
Effie.) I caught the bouquet. Robbie.) 1. This is the biggest day of my life. We will not be inviting George or my boy-that-is-afriend. (Hey. I want you to be a part of it. wrestling it away from Aunt Rosie. “No more lists. . she had her chance. 2. Not today.“Three reasons why I’ll be better off living in the bathroom. Three Reasons I’m Glad I Didn’t Spend Ophelia’s Reception in the Bathroom 3.) Ophelia and I made plans to resume our Friday “sister dinners” the first Friday she got back from her honeymoon. Three-“ Ophelia wrapped her arms around me before I could finish the first reason.” Ophelia took a step back. “Why is your ass wet? Did you sit in the toilet?” “Gross!” I said.) I ate cake and there was nothing mom could say about it.
the personal Playlist Treatment Plan that plays in her head is designed to control her emotions . to when she falls in love. With the help of her best friend . instead of what her feelings should be.Other Works By This Author George & Ophelia’s First Christmas: An Effie Short Story (Contemporary YA) – It’s George and Ophelia’s first Christmas as a married couple. a love song – or a song that matches what her depression feels like. But for Brig. Brig knows that she has just this one chance to hear a sad song. Juliet decides that the ticketing system has to stop.receives a ticket before she does. When her friend.Crammit Gibson . Asking Robbie out during a family gathering though. Like everyone else in her community. High who hasn't received a "hot ticket" from the mysterious ticket dispenser. When one of the dorkiest kids in school . but Effie is only halfconcerned about the fact that her sister may or may not be hiding the fact that she’s pregnant. who suffers from depression.from when she's happy or sad. a song in a minor key will never be played. Hot Ticket (Middle Grade Mystery) – Juliet Robinson is the only sixth grader in John Jay Jr. All that Effie wants for Christmas this year is to go out on her first date with Robbie – her boy-that-is-a-friend. The Engine Driver (Dystopian YA Short Story) – Sixteen-year-old Brig has never been allowed to hear a sad song in her entire life. is chosen to go to Musician’s School and is given a Permit to Carry a musical instrument. isn’t quite as easy as it seems. Annaby.
tracymarchini. a Daria-esque Madeline and her almost-crush Crammit. More information about her and her critique services can be found at www. About The Author Tracy Marchini is a freelance writer and editorial consultant. book clubs. Before launching her own editorial service.Lucy.com. ebooks and audiobooks. including contract and royalty terms. publishing terms. retailers. she worked at a literary agency. writer’s organizations. wholesalers. trade events and social networking. . as a children's book reviewer. crafting fiction and nonfiction. a newspaper correspondent and a freelance copywriter. Juliet is determined to climb a few rungs on the middle school social ladder and catch the ticket dispenser once and for all! Pub Speak: A Writer’s Dictionary of Publishing Terms (Reference) – Pub Speak is a dictionary for both new and established authors that contains over 400 definitions.
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