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Effie At The Wedding
Effie At The Wedding © 2011 by Tracy Marchini. Published by Squirrel Books. All rights reserved.
Effie At The Wedding
There are several reasons that I, Effie Green, don’t want to go to this wedding. First, I am dressed in a hideously pink silk dress. I didn’t even get this girlie at junior prom, and now my sister wants me to gently glide down the aisle in a pink so fluorescent that even the 80s would have rejected it. I’ve told Ophelia at least eight times that her pictures are going to look as if someone threw up radioactive Pepto-Bismol all over the place. She remains unconcerned. Secondly, I could sense that something was going to happen with Evan at Lisa’s party tonight. But now I’ll never know because I’ll be eating mini-hot dogs with a bunch of relatives I haven’t seen since I was growing out of my grade school uniforms at a rate of one per month. Lastly, when Ophelia gets married that means that George will officially become my brother-in-law.
The church is decorated in white daisies and long, pink silk banners. I stepped on the flower petals left behind by the flower girl as I walked up the aisle, trying to step on an equal number with my left and right foot. I tightened my lips and forced a halfgrimace (instead of a full one) towards George, before taking my seat in the front pew. I’m sure church bells are ringing, but my mother’s sobs are just loud enough to drown out everything but my own thoughts.
5 (Totally Selfish) Reasons I Do Not Want George As A Brother-In-Law
5.) My sister is only 20, and he is 29. That means he’s almost thirty, which means that when she’s forty, he’ll be almost fifty, and then when she’s fifty, he’ll be almost sixty. Too old.
4.) He just graduated med school. People never see their spouses when one is a doctor. And on Grey’s Anatomy, the doctors are always sleeping with the other doctors and nurses. Ophelia is cute, but she can’t compete with a tall, blonde-haired millionaire doctor. (Sorry, Ophelia.)
3.) He’s too nice. Nice is lame. Ophelia will be SO BORED when she’s like, 23 and realizes that her older, doctor boyfriend is too busy saving lives and golfing to go out clubbing.
2.) He’s too good looking. Again, the nurses are bound to fall in love with him.
1.) I will never be able to bring a boyfriend home without him also being a goodlooking, well mannered doctor. Which means that I am going to be single for the rest of my life, while my sister and her husband make lots of good-looking doctor babies. I will have lots of cats.
George and Ophelia are sitting next to each other on the altar while the Priest talks to us all about how we have to be open and honest with each other to make a
She’s going to be making dinner and doing dishes and thinking about going back to school herself now that George is almost finished with his residency.) And when I used to cut off all the hair on my Barbies. He always smelled like dirty laundry and used to crack the stupidest jokes. Ophelia probably wasn’t the best big sister in the world. But amazingly. I looked at the two of them. she would try to make Barbie wigs with pieces of felt. She hasn’t ratted on my friends and I for drinking in the basement. and I once caught him going through Ophelia’s underwear drawer. He tended to talk with food flying out of his mouth. My stomach drops every time the Priest tells them that they’re looking at their new family. but that’s probably also because she’s getting us the vodka. but she definitely wasn’t the worst. When I was in sixth grade she taught me how to shave my legs. she won’t be worried about who might ask me to senior prom or have time to read my college application essays. (I have the scars to this day. everyone circled my mom and I. (In the end.) But when Ophelia leaves. Brian always gave me the creeps. standing face to face and saying their “I do’s. I had twelve bald Barbies with pieces of orange felt super-glued to their heads.” I sighed. . I thought she might marry her boyfriend before George. he was the one to dump Ophelia because he actually found a second girl that wanted to date him.relationship work long-term. It could have been worse. Brian and Ophelia broke up when she was my age. Seriously! At the reception.
Soon. who was beaming. Ophelia rushed over and gave Aunt Mira a big hug. “Why so glum?” he asked. but suddenly felt selfconscious about spilling my guts to someone who was clearly not much older than . My mom laughed. so that didn’t count. is there a special boy in your life?” She gave me one of those smiles and I knew she was thinking wouldn’t that be cute.” I said. and I hastily made my escape. I went to the bar. my long time boy-that-is-afriend. “Go!” she mouthed to me. “Effie has boys calling all the time. when I’m back on Weight Watchers. He nodded and passed one over. Either way. “I’m going to be a nun.“He’s perfect!” “She’s beautiful!” “You must be so proud!” I looked sideways at my mother. I was just about to tell him that it was my sister’s wedding.” I scowled.” I said to the freckle-faced boy at the bar. He was the only reason I’d been invited to Lisa’s party in the first place. “A coke. the boy she was referring to was Robbie. don’t you dear? And she’ll have even more soon. “So. but didn’t have the nerve to try and order a real drink. as in. My Aunt Mia turned to me.
The bathroom in this hotel was fancier than any public (or private) restroom I’d ever been in. Ophelia. I opened the door and let out a gasp. crying against a coke on the rocks? So not going to happen.” I said. who has terrible taste in bridesmaids’ dresses.myself. How terrible would it be to be pouring my heart out to the bartender. I shuffled between wedding guests. I went into one of the stalls/rooms. I took my coke and headed to the bathroom. sipping my Coke.) This might have saved her from a bad swim in the river though. with plush purple velvet chairs placed beneath them. she could have dated the Prince of Denmark. and finally made it to the women’s room. has excellent taste in bathrooms. which would have made her Shakespeare-loving sister extremely happy. closed the toilet lid and just sat there. nodding to people who I think I’m supposed to know.) On the other hand. 3a. “You’re going to be an excellent bartender when you’re older. It had rooms instead of stalls and a separate dressing room with mirrors that covered the full length of the walls. . Three (Totally Selfish) Reasons Why Ophelia Should Not Get Married Right Now 3. which is higher in rank than a doctor. Some mirrors had little tables that jutted out from the wall.) She never dated a guy named Hamlet. 3b. locked the door.
“Are you sure?” It was Ophelia.) You can’t double date with your older sister if she’s married. I heard the door to the main bathroom open. Are you ready to go back. But you’ll be fine. My mom blew her nose again – a great big honk. We’ll be fine.2. 1. It was my mother. What if George isn’t the one and she doesn’t know and she’s divorced by 25? Then she’ll have to move back home when I would have already moved out. dear? You don’t want to spend your whole reception in the bathroom.” “Where is Effie?” Ophelia asked. Robbie only sees his brother like. of course. That’s just weird. I snorted.” Mom and Ophelia laughed and I heard a door shut behind them. Probably at the buffet. once a year.) Ophelia has only dated three guys. . There was a loud nose-blow. “We’ll miss you. That’s what they all say. “She’s probably at the buffet.” “I’ll visit all the time. “My girls are growing up so fast.” Ophelia said. Luckily. When Robbie’s older brother got married. the stall doors went down to the floor so nobody could see my feet. they moved to Florida.
It was a silver deadbolt. 1. took the knob in both hands and tried to pull it to the right. It still wouldn’t budge.) I need her home to be my big sister. frantically throwing the sides of my fists in front of me. I’m going to be stuck in the bathroom for the rest of Ophelia’s reception.2 More Selfish Reasons Ophelia Should Not Leave 2. I banged on the door. I propped my coke on the toilet paper roll. 3 Reasons Why It Sucks to Be Locked In A Bathroom During Your Sister’s Reception .) I need her home to save me from Weight Watchers. Nothing. I kicked the door. and it wouldn’t budge. and wiped my sugar-coated right arm on my dress skirt. the Cabbage Soup diet and whatever else my mom decides is best for me. “Damn it!” I yelled. Nobody answered. flailing my arms into the cup of coke. which flew off the toilet paper roll and all down the side of my hideously pink dress. I wasn’t worried about the dress – I was never going to wear it again. I reached for the lock on the bathroom door. anyway. I sat back down on the toilet lid.
) 2. Before Ophelia was consumed in wedding-related bullshit. He was saying that he . Of course. At least one Friday a week. and how he’d never guess we were sisters (read: Ophelia is skinny). he was just some guy that sat next to me in science lab. (I’m sorry. who was dating who. I hadn’t had a chance to grab dinner before going to the ladies room. further solidifying your existence as a future cat lady. or how she liked working at the hospital. Or how much I was eating. I just don’t care if the centerpieces are six inches tall or eight inches tall!) Anyway. 1. and so when I was talking to Ophelia in the hallway and he stopped to ask for earth science help. (Shut up. was what I was eating. and now I was going to miss the buffet and the cake. We would talk about some of our mutual high school friends. she and I used to do a Friday night dinner.) 3. I could eat guilt-free.(Even If You’re Not Thrilled She’s Getting Married. But I thought he was cute. I like cake.) Your sister won’t even notice you weren’t there.) You can’t catch the bouquet. I didn’t really know Robbie at that point. before Ophelia was all about flowers and centerpieces and which color pink would look best on her bridesmaids. One of the things we never talked about.) You’re going to miss the cake. But I did. I smiled and nodded and pretended like I didn’t know what he was really saying. I invited Robbie to join us. My stomach growled. When I was a freshman and Ophelia was a senior. the next day in lab all he could talk about was how pretty Ophelia was. I invited him to come with us.
” she’d say while we were sitting around the kitchen table. Instinctively. we’re still second-best-friends. “Obesity kills. Grandma started to cough again. I didn’t blame Ophelia… much. or frantically waving . brace-faced plain Jane. She clearly wasn’t interested in Robbie. “So does smoking. I heard the music get a bit louder as the door swung open.” I had the balls to say once. and poke at my fat with the other. Probably best-friends. she was always swaying. and the other one a slightly overweight. “Isn’t Ophelia beautiful?” I heard a gravelly voice ask. now that Ophelia’s bestfriend is George. She was like one of those parachute-like blow-ups they put outside of car dealerships. I froze and listened. I heard the hacking cough of my grandmother. It was fine. And even though my stomach still drops a little every time Robbie mentions her name. while I could hear my Aunt tapping her heels. She could never just sit still. It always amuses me the way my grandmother can puff on a cigarette in one hand.couldn’t understand how one sister could be so beautiful. Grandma didn’t speak to me for a week. you know.
) I wouldn’t have to listen to my Aunt talk about “hawwwwt divorshay’s. beautiful. like one of the giant waving nylon tubes that had the fan on too low. or tapping her feet.” 3 Reasons It Might Not Be Horrendous to Spend the Rest of the Night in the Bathroom 3. are you in here?” .” Grandma said.) I could avoid my grandmother and mother. 1 a.) I think my business cards will one day read. “you’ve got as good a chance as any of the rest of us. a puff of smoke and a plethora of “hawwwwt’s” in their wake.her arms.) Sometimes I wonder – is this really my life? 1 b. she was usually falling over.” “Effie?” I heard Ophelia calling from outside the door. She’s the only one in the family that got good genes. “Effie.” “Well. huh mom? Think I’m still young enough to get me a doctor? Maybe a hot divorcé. During family reunions. Grandma and Aunt Rosie had already left.) Nobody would see that the butt of my dress was now soaked from the toilet sweating. “Yeah. “Effie Green: Big Embarrassing Mess.” Aunt Rosie was slurring so it came out as “hawwwwwt divorshay. 1.” 2. Aunt Rosie (who was recently single) cleared her throat.
Her auburn hair was pulled up into tight curls. “I’m just thinking. I need your help.Ophelia pounded on the door. Ophelia pushed open the door. I heard a small. and one you’re my maid of honor. . hung from her neck.” I stepped up to the sink and washed the coke off my arm. it’s starting to look like you live in there. and let out a gasp. Figures. “what are you doing in there?” I looked at her in her bridal gown – a beautiful white satin mermaid dress with little lace sleeves. and this time the deadbolt moved smoothly. mechanical click.” she said. and the big pink tulle skirt spread out around the bathroom stall like a cotton candy machine exploded. “Give me three reasons. you’re missing the reception which I paid mucho dollars for.” Ophelia took a deep breath. Two.” I crossed my arms. “Three.” I said. and a diamond necklace. I reached up to unlock the door.sugar from the coke crusted on my right arm and a giant stain set into the skirt. “Effie. otherwise I’m going to kill half of our relatives. and held up three fingers. I guess. I’m sure I looked like the big mess that I felt . hair hanging limply around my face. a wedding gift from George. making it shake in the frame. “Get out of the bathroom stall. Ophelia shook her head.
Robbie.) Ophelia and I made plans to resume our Friday “sister dinners” the first Friday she got back from her honeymoon. Not today. “No more lists.” Ophelia took a step back. she had her chance. This is the biggest day of my life.) I caught the bouquet. (Hey. 2. Effie.) 1.“Three reasons why I’ll be better off living in the bathroom. “Why is your ass wet? Did you sit in the toilet?” “Gross!” I said. wrestling it away from Aunt Rosie. We will not be inviting George or my boy-that-is-afriend. Three Reasons I’m Glad I Didn’t Spend Ophelia’s Reception in the Bathroom 3. Three-“ Ophelia wrapped her arms around me before I could finish the first reason. I want you to be a part of it.) I ate cake and there was nothing mom could say about it. .
the personal Playlist Treatment Plan that plays in her head is designed to control her emotions . High who hasn't received a "hot ticket" from the mysterious ticket dispenser. who suffers from depression.Other Works By This Author George & Ophelia’s First Christmas: An Effie Short Story (Contemporary YA) – It’s George and Ophelia’s first Christmas as a married couple. instead of what her feelings should be. but Effie is only halfconcerned about the fact that her sister may or may not be hiding the fact that she’s pregnant. All that Effie wants for Christmas this year is to go out on her first date with Robbie – her boy-that-is-a-friend. But for Brig. The Engine Driver (Dystopian YA Short Story) – Sixteen-year-old Brig has never been allowed to hear a sad song in her entire life. a song in a minor key will never be played. isn’t quite as easy as it seems. Like everyone else in her community. is chosen to go to Musician’s School and is given a Permit to Carry a musical instrument. Annaby. Hot Ticket (Middle Grade Mystery) – Juliet Robinson is the only sixth grader in John Jay Jr. a love song – or a song that matches what her depression feels like. Brig knows that she has just this one chance to hear a sad song. to when she falls in love. When one of the dorkiest kids in school . Asking Robbie out during a family gathering though. When her friend.from when she's happy or sad. Juliet decides that the ticketing system has to stop. With the help of her best friend .Crammit Gibson .receives a ticket before she does.
including contract and royalty terms. book clubs. Juliet is determined to climb a few rungs on the middle school social ladder and catch the ticket dispenser once and for all! Pub Speak: A Writer’s Dictionary of Publishing Terms (Reference) – Pub Speak is a dictionary for both new and established authors that contains over 400 definitions.Lucy. a Daria-esque Madeline and her almost-crush Crammit. writer’s organizations. About The Author Tracy Marchini is a freelance writer and editorial consultant. . ebooks and audiobooks. More information about her and her critique services can be found at www. Before launching her own editorial service. retailers. she worked at a literary agency. wholesalers.com. as a children's book reviewer.tracymarchini. crafting fiction and nonfiction. a newspaper correspondent and a freelance copywriter. publishing terms. trade events and social networking.
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