Reference Sheet

Terms:
Aftercare: The time after a BDSM scene or play session in which the participants calm
down, discuss the previous events and their personal reactions to them, and slowly come
back in touch with reality. BDSM often involves an endorphin high and very intense
experience, and failure to engage in proper aftercare can lead to subdrop as these return to
more everyday levels.

Ageplay: Usually referring to daddy or mommy/daughter or boy or baby role play. Does
not usually include or imply aspects of incest, but rather the nurturing relationship of
parent/child or teacher/student.

BDSM: Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism.

Bondage: Acts involving the physical restraint of a partner. Bondage typically refers to
total restraint, however it can be limited to a particular body part, such as breast bondage.

Bottom:

The submissive. Who will not be in control.

Breathplay: Refers to play involving control of or restriction of air and / or oxygen to the
brain. Other examples would be strangling, which is compression of the neck/throat area
to prevent the flow of oxygen to the brain. Suffocation involves reducing the level of oxygen
available to breathe; hanging where the body is suspended by the neck (remember, all
these games are dangerous to play, either alone or with a partner).

Chastity:

A form of erotic sexual denial or orgasm denial whereby a person is prevented

from access to, or stimulation of, their genitals, save at the whim or choice of their partner,
usually by means of a device (called a chastity belt or sometimes for men a cock cage) that
prevents contact and is controlled by means of a lock by the partner.

Collar: A collar worn around the neck to indicate one's submissiveness. These can be
made of leather, steel, rubber, rope. Used in scenes for humiliation and / or examples
such as dog / puppy or even boy / girl play.

Consent: Mutual agreement to the terms of a scene or ongoing bdsm relationship.

Consensual Non-Consent: A mutual agreement that within defined limits, or subject to
a safe word or other restrictions, and common sense, consent will be given as read without
foreknowledge of the exact actions planned. As such, it is a show of trust and understanding
and usually undertaken only by partners who know each other well, or otherwise agree to
set clear safe limits on their activities.

Contract: A written-out agreement between the dominant & submissive. It can be either
formal or non, and is usually written after much negotiation by the dominant and the sub,
outlining what structure, guidelines, rules and boundaries to the relationship are agreed
upon by the two. It is not legally binding.

Discipline: A punishment when a sub breaks a rule/protocol.

Dominant/Dom/D: Person who exercises control.
Edge Play: SM play which pushes the limits of the persons involved. This can be
potentially dangerous activities such as fire, electricity, cutting, or breath play. Skill and
experience can minimize the risk.

Electrical Play: SM play involving electricity such as TENS units or violet wands.
Exhibitionism/Exhibitionist: Sceneing involving the display of public / private
exhibitionism in order to exert control and / or humiliation.

Fetish: A specific obsession or delight in one object or experience.

Fisting: Play which involves placing or attempting to place the entire hand (or even both
hands) in the rectum / vagina.

Frenzy: Similar to sexual frustration, but for kink.

Gorean: A sub-genre based upon the rituals and practices created within the world of Gor
in the erotic novels by John Norman.

Hard Limit: What someone absolutely will not do, usually non-negotiable.

Leather: The leather subculture denotes practices and styles of dress organized around
sexual activities. Wearing leather garments is one way that participants in this culture selfconsciously distinguish themselves from mainstream sexual cultures.

Lifestyle: A relationship in which one person surrenders control to another person for an
indefinite duration, and in which the relationship is defined by the fact that one person is
always dominant and the other is always submissive. OR: The lifestyle

Masochism/masochist: A person who desires pain inflicted upon them

Munch: A group of people that are into BDSM meeting at a "vanilla" place.
Orgasm Control/Denial: When one is forced to release or hold their body's desires to
orgasm.

Pet Play: Any activity in which one or more participants takes on the role of a pet, such
as in puppy or pony play.

Play Party: A BDSM event involving many people engaging in scenes.

Power Exchange: Any situation where two or more people consensually and voluntarily
agree to a power relationship in which one (or more) people assume authority and one (ore
more) people yield authority.

RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink.

Rape Play: A form of role play in which one person stages a mock "rape" for the purpose
of gratification of all the people involved.

Role Play: Any activity in which the people involved assume roles or identities different
from their own and act out a scenario- i.e. teacher/student, doctor/nurse, etc.

Sadism/Sadist:

A person who desires to inflict pain

Safe Word: When a participant utters a safeword, BDSM activity stops.

Scene: A time period of BDSM activities. Also used to refer to the BDSM community
Sensory Deprivation: Play which involves "depriving" the submissive of certain sensory
perceptions. May include blindfolds, bondage, gags, etc.

Service:

An nonsexual action performed by the submissive for the benefit of the

dominant, e.g. vaccuming the house

Soft Limit: Something that someone is hesitant to do or nervous to try. They can
sometimes be talked into the activity, or preferably it may be negotiated at a trial or
beginner level into a scene.

Spanking: Involves striking someone with the palm of the hand or other object (i.e.,
paddle, hairbrush, pig slapper, riding crop, etc.) on the buttocks as a form of punishment /
humiliation. Mild spanking can be very erotic and when done correctly can push the
submissive into "subspace" releasing endorphins which in turn creates a sense of euphoria.

SSC: Safe Sane Consensual.

Sub Drop: A physical condition, often with cold- or flu-like symptoms, experienced by a
submissive after an intense session of BDSM play. This can last for as long as a week, and is
best prevented by aftercare immediately after the session.

submissive/sub/s:

Person that gives up control either all the time or for a specified

period (Not to be confused with "bottom.")

Subspace: A "natural high" that a sub (or bottom) gets during a scene or when being
controlled. The sub may feel disconnected from time, space, and/or their body, and may
have limited ability to communicate. It is critical that a Dom/top take responsibility for the
sub/bottom and be aware of their sub's wellbeing if they are in subspace.

Top: the Dominant, the person who takes control of the sub(s)/bottom(s)
Top Drop: A sudden, abrupt feeling of depression, unhappiness, or similar negative
emotion in a dominant which may occasionally occur immediately after a period of BDSM
activity. May include feelings of guilt, especially if the dominant believes he or she has made
an error, or has traditional ideas about relationship or socially appropriate behavior.

TPE / 24/7: Total Power Exchange

Vanilla: Someone who is not in the lifestyle. Alternatively, sexual behaviour which does
not encompass BDSM activity.

Further Reading:
http://tinyurl.com/kinkyresources: General resource sheet on BDSM stuff
http://clarissethorn.com/bdsm-resources/: Another resource sheet

http://tinyurl.com/funnyandinformative: A list of terms

http://fetlife.com: Like facebook for kinky people

Instructionals
www.kinkacademy.com/
2KnottyBoys Youtube Channel
WordWize FetLife group

Fiction:
Abigail Barnette's The Boss
Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by Anne Rice
The Story of O by Anne Desclos
Kushiels Dart by Jacqueline Carey
Leather Daddy and the Femme by Carol Queen
Doc and Fluff by Patrick Califa
Crash by JG Ballard