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SPECIAL ALFRED OF ARABIA ISSUE These 15 Razor Blade Manufacturers just had a close shave! .--mainly because this imported Stainless Steel blade nearly knocked them all out of business! Suddenly, Americans discovered that “the sharpest edges ever honed” weren't quite—and it wasn’t necessary to “push-pull, click-click—change blades that quick” any more, something the English, Swedes and Swiss have known for decades. However, in the spirit of open competition, with typical American ingenuity, these manufacturers are now turning out stainless steel blades m finally replacing their old inferior soft steel blades they've been milking the public with for years, NUMBER 86 APRIL 1964 Somebou, Talicays get the same seat at «ball game: Belceen the bot dod vendor and his best customer!"—Alfred E. Neuman WILLIAM Mf, GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor oN PUINAM art director” LEONARD REKNER production Jeeny bE FoCctO, McK MECLEN anociate editors Jann, SOHEISIAN fists RICHARD MERNSTEEN publicity Lomta ORLANDO, CELIA SORELLE, NELSON TIRABO subucriptions the usual gong of idiots DEPARTMENTS AD-ITORIAL DEPARTMENT If Magazine Ads Spoke The Language Of The Magazines AWARD TO THE WISEGUY DEPARTMENT New School Letters For Unheralded Achievements BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of Married Men DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT The Small Businessman In The Amazon In The Acme Ritz Central Arms Waldorf Plaza Hotel Another Visit To The Dentist FAST GETAWAY DEPARTMENT Quickio Vacations GOOD GRIEF DEPARTMENT Insecurity Is A Pair Of Loose Swim Trunks. . JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs. Spy Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Spy LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Drawn-Out Dramas hogs MISSIVE RETALIATION DEPARTMENT The MAD Plan For Fighting Junk Mail PANNIN' THE FLASH DEPARTMENT News Photos We're Sure To See. News Photos We'd Like To See. THE ERROR OF GOOD FEELING DEPARTMENT When This Trend Toward Understanding Gets Out Of Hand THE MALADY LINGERS ON DEPARTMENT ‘The Evolution OF A Popular Song WHAT KIND O'TOOLE AM I? DEPARTMENT Flawrence Of Arabia WORD GAME PRESERVE DEPARTMENT MAD Beastlies i **Various Places Around The Magazine VITAL FEATURES INSECURITY ISA PAIR OF LOOSE SWIM TRUNKS Pg.4 THE LIGHTER SIDE OF MARRIED MEN Pg. 22 { sa Ry ae ~ on ‘THE EVOLUTION OF A POPULAR SONG NEW SCHOOL LETTERS FOR UNHERALDED ACHIEVEMENTS IF MAGAZINE ADS ‘SPOKE THE LANGUAGE OF THE MAGAZINES Pg.27 FLAWRENCE OF ARABIA Pg. 43 YOU'LL LAUGH YOURSELF SILLY WHEN YOU TURN 17 Mainly the pages of these 17 MAD Paperback Books! AT YOUR FAVORITE BOOKSTAND—OR YOURS BY MAIL MAD POCKET DEPARTMENT 850 Third Avenue New York, N. Y. 10022 PLEASE SEND ME: 1D Mab in orbit LENCLOSE 35¢ NAME. ADDRESS. erry STATE. on ‘Check or Money Order only No Cash Accepted! Fs outside the U.S.A. ‘dd 10% extral ALSO PLEASE SEND ME: 1 The MAD Reader MAD Strikes Back ©) Son OT MAD 1S Inside MAD Gi The Organization MAD © Utterly MAD D Uke MAD The Brothers MAD 1D The Bedside MAD Di The ides Of MAD I ENCLOSE S0¢ FOR EACH 1 Fighting MAD. 1G) The Voodoo MAD Cl Greasy MAD stutt G Don Martin Steps Out Don Martin Bounces Back 1D) Dave Berg Looks At The USA siaia LETTERS DEPT. ‘A TRIBUTE TO PRESIDENT JOHN F. KENNEDY Ia looking over the issues of the last thece years, 1 ran across some of the ex cellent satires you've written on our late President, John F. Kennedy. In retrospect of the events of November 22 and the ‘days following, I chink ie would be appro priate w pay tubuce to oar fallen leader Keith 8. Armour Stillman Valley I Porhaps the best tribvie we can pay te President John F. Kennedy is to publish the following Jeners from other readers which put ovr thoughts and feslings into words Batter than we could do ourealves: I realize that ic goes without saying that MAD Magazine shared the grief of the entire nation at the tragic loss of President Kenney. However, itis obvi ‘us to this reader that MAD's loss was a more personal one than the loss fale by millions of others, Many cimes did yout Iagazine satrize JFK and poke amiable fun st hi, his habits, his family, ete The very manner of these gentle taunts only served to relleet your awareness of the exceptional human qualities the man possessed. Rarely was a President so able to communicate with the Ametican peo pile 50 well. Rarely bas ap official of any Eountry permitted hi his family fo be the object of such open, good. fatured humor as was evidenced in your ‘magazine and in other media, His loss as a leader is incalculable, And yet, bis loss 2s symbol of changing atts by, and towards imporaant individaals may Cyen tually count for more in history’ eval Although MAD's saties of the Keo- nedy adminiseation may bave been viewed by someas poor ase, I thank you for the image of our former Chief the resulted from your policy. You President Kennedy in every situation im aginable, You boch severely criticized hhim and praised him to the hilt. Yet there Was no stopping of this satzical comedy, ne censoring on any level. By his respect for “freedom of the press," by his ‘non-interference, 1 Kennedy al: lowed his ‘ed to the leve of the common man, proving the great hess he So humbly possess Barbara Gerbec Buffalo, New York MODERN TEACHER wanted 10 offer my "thanks" for a job well done, Your "Modern Teacher Maga Zine’ in issue No, 84 really hits home. You have effecively “planted the plank fon the sluggish educational backside of ‘America, Congratulations on an excep: tionally fine piece of satice ‘Will Brown West Virginia University Morgantown, West Vieginia Concerning your article on "The Mod: era, Teacher,” my husband, who is teacher, and T both agree~"Many a true sword is said in jest!” Good going Shelley Fraak Brooklyn, New York NO PEACE IN THE CORPS When 1 was accepred for Peace Corps teaching in Malaysia~9000 miles from homeT looked forward to escaping the Life of ulcers, tcanguilizers, psychiatrists and MAD Magazine, All was crue ‘when I arrived in Sungei Patani, 2 small town near the Thailand border. Uneil last week, when my faith in the stability of these’ people was shattered. 1 discovered MAD ina local bookstore! The shop- Keeper said he had ordered 50 as an ex- reriment. When arrived there were only 5 remaining—4 when { left! The enclosed picture shows the progressive mental de teriocation taking place among the Ma- lays. Communism doesn’ stand a chance here, The people are too busy reading MAD-thank goodness! John Southworth Peace Corps Volunteer ‘Sungei Patuci, Kedah Federation of Malaysia, IDENTIFICATION PHOTOS Did you ever think of publishing sto fies about and pictures of your staf mem bets so. we fans could sce who. was re- sponsible for the creition of this idiotic magazine? Edward R. Rosenblum Universicy Park, Pa So you could recognize us and throw rocks ft us on the street? Not om your IfolEd. MAD MOUNTAIN CUMBERS Lase Sunday, my wife and I attended a lecrure at the Phillips Exeter Academy on the recent ascent of Mt. Everest by an American expedition. Ie was. given. by Barry C. Bishop of the National Geo araphie Society, who was one of the four toreach the summie He told of the ardo ‘ous efforts, the dangers, and the deter rating effees of the high altitude. He also told of how, after weeks of strain, they returned to their base camp for eet, re Taxation and recovery. And among’ the profusion of photographs he showed, Mr. Bishop displayed one of someone in their base camp zeading MAD Magazine. So you see, your fame has reached to the highest ‘summit, and perhaps you even helped to conquer it Herbert R. Levine Exeter, New Hampshire A MAD GUIDE TO HYPNOTISM Congratulations on your article, “A IAD. Guide To Hypnotism” in MAD 284, You have just set the science of Hypaotism back at least «wo thousand years. Seriously, chough, che author of the Article muse know somesbing about Hyp- notism, a5 there are several important points inade throughout his satirical gem, Anyhow, I have added several copies of this article to our library s0 students can get a good laugh (if they haven't read it ‘Ronald J. Brecknon, Dizector Prescription Hypnosis Training Center Hamilton, Ontario, Can THE LIGHTER SIDE OF COPS Yous “Lighter Side Of Cops” in the Christmas Issue of MAD (#84) woa't set many policemen "mad" st you, or the author-aris, I'm sure. Too much of itis tue, Most of the staff at the Police Hall of Fame enjoys reading MAD, and in law enforcement, a litle laughter — even at ‘ourselves — doesn’t bust Gerald. Areaberg, Director ‘National Police Hall of Fame Venice, Florida BUSINESS AFTER PLEASURE My father and I have a deal. Whenever 4 new issue of MAD comes out, I g0 «0 the newsstand, buy it with money trom my allowance, take it home, read it, and ve it (0 my father. If he laughs ‘more than once, he buys that issue from se. havent lost a quarter yet Jack McNally Harlingron, Texas ‘A QUESTION OF NUMBERS Would you please tell me the age and 1.Q of your sta? ‘Mark Malkoski Paducah, Kentucky The average age and |.@. of the staff of MAD is colncidenally the somel 32I—Ed, Pleats address oll correspondence to MAD, Dept. 8, 850 Third Avenue Now York, New York 10022 WHY KILL YOURSELF? i JUST BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE LAST ISSUE ON THE NEWSSTAND? SUBSCRIBE TO AND GET 9 ISSUES FOR THE PRICE OF 8, OR 24 ISSUES FOR THE PRICE OF 20— MAILED RIGHT TO YOUR HOME! use coupon or duplicate MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS 850 Third Avenue New York City, N. ¥. 10022 {Dl enclose $2.00." Please enter my name on your sub- scription ist, and mal me the next 8 issues of MAD 1 encose $5.00 Please enter my name on your ub- Sergio it and mallme te next 24 sues of MAD NAME. ADDRESS. Zip Code USA, $428 Pagal 8 Yep, mee ro tof in nah feasng. that full “portals of Aaa —e ory te, ths iden ich work. afeat Roney te MAD, Dee. “wnat ~ ol 0"Tora sve Now Yorke RW. 10022 GOOD GRIEF DEPT. Charles M. Schule, the creator of “Peanuts” has a warm, happy, secure way of looking at things, In his “Happiness Is A Warm Puppy’, he told us about the things in childhood that make us happy. MAD, in the belief that childhood is more miserable than happy, answered Mr. Schulz with its parody, “Misery Is A Cold Hot Dog”. Now, Mr. Schulz has another best-seller called, “Security 1s A Thumb And A Blanket,” which reveals the things in childhood that make us feel secure, like: “Security is hav- ing a big brother.” and “Security is a candy bar hidden in the freezer.” Once again, MAD takes exception, All we remember of childhood are the things that made us feel “INsecure”, like... Insecurity is being a tall 11-year-old. 5 ¥ 2 Insecurity is examining ak i aA a fire cracker that Sy, > OY didn't go off. =D Ree aes ok Insecurity is 7. sh 4 a helium-filled balloon. as A Insecurity is being the odd Insecurity is when they start kid in a choose-up game. surveying your favorite vacant lot. fo hand in a test paper. INSECURITY IS A PAIR OF LOOSE SWIM TRUNKS Insecurity is geing downtown and seeing two Santa Clauses. Insecurity is running an Insecurity is a tough kid 6 errand with a 10-dollar bill. appreaching your sand castle, DON MARTIN DEPT. PART! THE SMALL BUSINESSMAN IN THE AMAZON FIRST oe LINE FOR WORLD SERIES OPENER Camped outside ballpark since Jan. 3rd, Fenwick Knobble is first on line for 1964 World Series opener tomorrow. This is the 328th event in the past 5 years at which Knobble has been Number One in line. include openings for new tunnels, supermarkets, amusement parks, theaters, throughways and assorted manhole: —— AUTO SHOW OPENS a N. Z COLISEUM POLAR BEAR CLUB HOLDS FIREMAN CLIMBS TREE ANOTHER GET-TOGETHER TO RESCUE CAT Poor Tabby got himself out on a limb, so Fireman Emie Hicks limbs up the tree to rescue him, ‘This is the 212th photo we've run of Hicks rescuing cats from trees. During that time, 212 hhouses have burned to the ground because the Fire Depart ment was short-handed with ‘Hicks busy elsewhere, Lovely model, Pepper Pott, adorns ‘a new car in the Furd Motor exhibit at the NY. Coliseum where the Na- tional Automobile Show opened today. Standing nearby is Furd Motors President, Phineas T, Furd TI, who admires the smooth lines ‘the sleek chassis, and the all-round maneuverability. He also likes the many features of the automobile. ator, And that's why we're proud to be Ameri= POuUOS A COLLECTION OF TYPICAL CLICHE PHOTOS LIKE THE ONES YOUR LOCAL NEWSPAPER IS SURE TO RUN THIS YEAR SEE iu YEAR eOvERHOR SEREATES NEW BRIDGE Gov. Anschloss Fogg prepares to cut the ribbon officially opening the new John Boles Bridge over Turhan Bay. While an anxious state awaits the results of the Governor's monumental task, those who know and love him wish him God speed, and pray that his trick right thumb holds up under this grueling man-killing assignment. Senator Gasbag is Made Indian Chief Sen, Roscoe Gasbag, campaigning in Wyom- ing, was made a Chief of the Indian Tribe today, “ll do anything t0 get votes,” said the Senator, “as long as it's in keeping with the dignity’ of my office.” Sen. Gasbag, in full headdress, will be introduced from the audience of the Ed Sullivan Show Sunday night, after which he will do a Rain | _Dance'in the aisle WHE W!IT wae A SIZZLER TODAY! ‘The temperature hit 114 degrees today. It was so hot that 12-year old Mickey Plottznik fried an egg on the sidewalk. If the current heat wave continues, you'll be seeing other brilliantly creative hot this paper, like a shot of last wit fice, and a bunch of kids cavorting uni pray for a break in the weather!) THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT Klutz, a Great Dane, and Itsy, @ Pekingese, fare two of the many entrants in the Dog Show opening today. Somehow, to us, there is a profoundly symbolic and beautiful mes sage for all Mankind in this seene. Namely, why can’t the big nations of the world get together with the small nations of the world ata Dog Show somewhere, and rub noses instead of fighting all the time? eas PANNIN’ THE FLASH DEPT. PART II N [s WY) S E’D ne TO FIRST ON LINE EGE WORLD SERIES OPENER First on line for 1964 World Series opener today was Fenwick Knobble, But because he got such little sleep since his vigil began on Jan. 3rd, he couldn't stay awake when the gates opened. However, all is not lost for Fenwick. As Police officers prepare to pick him up and book him on a vagrancy charge (above) his pros- pects for being the Number One prisoner in the newly constructed wing of the City Jail look pretty good. AUTO SHOW OPENS POLAR BEAR CLUB HOLDS FIREMAN CLIMBS TREE AT N.Y. COLISEUM ANOTHER GET-TOGETHER TO RESCUE car TN Poor Tabby got himself out on a Utly Birdie Furd adoms a new eat ) limb, so Fireman Emest Hicks inthe Furd Motor exhibit at the climbs up the tree to rescue him, N-¥. Coliseum where the National 7 Peopl hbo NL. Coliseum where the National | 104 24 below zero, so the lovable Polar Bear |. hood. pelt Hicks with rocks, Automobile Show. opened today. | Chub was out again enjoying a refreshing dip | shoes nd anything, else they Standing, nearby is her Rusbend, |) in'the ocean, a snowball ght on the beach, to ‘throw. Seems ‘his Burd Motors President, Phineas T. | Sha visit tothe neighborhwod butcher shop's J particular eat howls all night in Furd 1, who for reasons of his | at veigerator Here: they ne seow at tee tne ally, and falls aren too iiiibe ‘ect gh bocoe: tiie cuore: get-together that always follows their idiotic anxious to see him rescued. In Roe ee ge oes Enfice-the one held in the Pneumonia Ward) fact they were hoping hed starve ag int, hs decided to, stop. using | of the City Hospital to deeth up there. A COLLECTION OF SWITCHES ON CLICHE PHOTOS THAT WE’D LIKE TO SEE YOUR NEWSPAPER RUN THIS YEAR FOR A CHANGE foe DEDIGATES NEW BRIDGE{ Senator Gasbag is La Made Indian Chief Gov. Anschloss Fogg cuts ribbon officially opening new John Boles Bridge over Turhan Bay. At Governor's right is the bridge's archi- tect, his son-in-law, Ollie Yumman. “Boy, did I goof!” exclaimed Yum- man, a former shoemaker, as the structure collapsed into the scenic bay. “I forgot to tell him that the ribbon is what held the bridge up!” the Government as part of the US, toward American Indians. The Senat: Shown here being chased out of the nation’s capital and back to the Wattaguchi reserva ‘tion where he belongs. THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT 5, @ Pekingese jere two of the jog Show opening te Itsy never ‘The temperature hit 114 degrets today. It was so hot that 12-year old Mickey Plottznik fried an egg on the sidewalk. This is the 48th egg he's wasted for our cameramen over the past five summers, and his mother is steaming even more than the weather. “People overseas are starving,” she screamed at him as this picture was taken, “and you're throwing away eggs on the sidewall! EAT!” he eats @ Pekingese, he's hungry again!” GRD IGAREERE Ee NEE Writer Phil Hahn joins with artist Paul Coker, Jr. to bring us another set of examples of their new game in which they take ordinary dictionary words and dream up kookie “animals” these words suggest. It’s fun! Try some yourself—like the following— dandelion velocipede hootenanny i aia Fi " _sluggard jmrmrod BEASTLIES : i Ads LS, 2, re Sree Saber wie _vta =i bulld eS | ulldozer Cy [| rif ae — aos THE ERROR OF GOOD FEELING DEPT. Once upon a time—tke about 20 years ago—lite was alot simple. Mainly because everybody knew exactly where he stood. If a fella was okay, he was a “good guy”. If he acted like a crumb, he was a “bad guy”. Today, however, all that has changed. You're not supposed to call a ‘bad guy” a “crumb” or a “‘ratfink”™ or any other name he deserves. You're supposed to consider the things that happened in his childhood, the WHEN THIS “U N DEF TREND TOWARD IN MAJOR POLICE WORK... WANTED For Murder, Armed Robbery & Other Anti-Social Behavior SEYMOUR LASAGNA three tellers, and an innocent bystander while robbing the Pittsburgh City Bank of $25,000. Seymour should not heve done this. After all, murder is not nice, Neither is taking money that does not belong to us. Sooner of later, Seymour will be caught, tried, and convicted and oxecuted for pulsive actions. But, Seymour Lasagna the real guilty party? Aren't we—the people who rejected and ignored him—the ones who should be put on trial? Throughout his short, unhappy life, Seymour craved friendship and understanding. But how did we react? Did we give him what he needed? No! We shunned him, rejected him, and drove him from one anti-social deed to another. And now, this poor boy is in trouble! TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES CRIMINAL RECORD DESCRIPTION August 9, 19% August 10, 1963 apoiiea “e's” 388-600 ican | Kid CY Baccone’ during. armed AGE: 22-bot looks much HEIGHT: 8'2"—bot he | | SPP ihe Prtustureh Clo” Bonk eee colder due to constant vevally slovehes from | | and wes, immediately refused 2 excsping with $25,008, horressment by police. fear of being cought maa Remo kod th iant of cass | Burned ‘down figh ‘School with Principal locked in basement WESHT 218 Bs—duelo MI Premotrey ry ile eka et oe ee ee ee iy end al SEHR. -Nonethotsow dine 1009 | «line 39, as eee all RCS ey ee EVES: Blu—toubied, hin sick in ea ee ee |e ee ace IF YOU SEE THIS MAN, TALK TO HIM—TRY TO GET HIS MIND OFF HIS PROBLEMS environment he grew up in, his parents and their problems, and anything else that might have contributed toward making him act the way he does. In other words, you're supposed to try and understand him. Now, we're all for understanding and forgiveness and lke that. . . up to a point. Because this Kind of thing can get pretty ridiculous if its overdone. So why not join us now as MAD shows what can happen . . TANDING?” *"or'tiano IN MINOR POLICE WORK... WRITER: FRANK JACOBS ‘i . ces ae Sa AR Be Here's the punk who ran you off the roa, Me? Testify against him? Why, Officer, 'm surprised at you! How often do fe ister He acmits he was going 951 know Me finda soul so fre, s0 urinhibited--who can release himset from the. youve gad'to testy aset sim ncourt [BE cares and tensions of the world and race gloriously down life's highway? - : Just think of the freedom he enjoyed as he watched the speedometer climb) toward 100 and fot the wind whipping through the window! He's a child of punished, fF enpression! 9 THE macazine FoR COMPASSIONATE natn Se eats bons MURDERERS? a STALIN'S ARE UNABLE T0 creas MAFIA GUNMAN Mt Bu CUR cig HEINRICH Cres y re 4/42 ik aise i | ar you READ THIS LINE FROM A DISTANCE OF TWENTY FEET, THEN WE ARE ‘SORRY TO INFORM YOU THAT YOU NEED GLASSES WHICH IS A SHAME SINCE {YOU UNDOUBTEDLY Look MUCH BETTER WITHOUT THEM KXA BOK OOKOOH RRO a FOO EMPLOYEES OFC >4) THNSTER MONSTER nee CHEESE CORP. “| wouldlike | HIGHER WAGES on SHORTER H' IN JUVENILE EXPRESSION... iS IN FINANCE... ACME FINANC 205 Beelz Wombat Mr. Bavard Stagsire 551 Wysontne De Wombat Heights, ‘Ohio Dear Mr. Stagnire:—— LAY Kl However, [a We realize thar this could put A STRAIN on our EMPLOYER'S POCKETBOOK! E & LOAN CO. b Drive ts. Ohio hor you mureeTpoMrefUl investigation, we can well merstand 1o¥ You sight be pressed for ctsh Just ts losing your job, bs Your wife's acoidonts Ye toos'y office GF/bp P.S.'If you have alread roady sent a check, please this letter. Well oredit it to yon nentnase aoe se and you can still keep the 10, THE ROAD... WE CAN UNDERSTAND “SB WOW YOU DON'T LIKE BEING ORDERED AROUND, BUT YOU WILL JUST HAVE TO COME TO A STOP (OR ELSE, MUCH AS WE DISLIKE MT, WE MAY HAVE TO DO SOMETHING THAT WE DON'T LIKE DOING! ea i Es a oy When we found '@ ines, and he ion here at the yb aie you is a nice gift Sincerely yours, Gates Conway: Fired Vice-President” "t sgnore 3S paysent WE KNOW YOU'RE IN A HURRY AND YOU'LL PROBABLY END UP HATING US, BUT THERE'S NO PASSING (ON THIS ROAD TILL YOU REACH THE TOP OF THIS HILLE IT’S REALLY FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! But then again, ‘We would ike BUT DREAMS 50 THE WE Just THow Jour EnpLovin [a pENSION PLAN,| MUST OFTEN | amiovees | NE To RELIEVE Gun Raut Would like to [ HOSPITALIZATION, [MAINTAIN Hiss fP andother | | JUST DREAMS! | yusteR ABOUT A Paste 4S WORRYING N FRINGE BENEFITS OSSIBLE WALK-OUT! of MUNSTER CHEESE COMPANY ARE = No, your base-runner does not represent my father to me! in your childhood to force you to seek a scapegoat for Tis not as simple as that! Actually, ne represents my your repressed hostilities in my Innocent base-runner? mother! So you see, my problem is deeper than you think! Tell me the truth! Doesnt this player represent your However, what about your problem? I'm talking about your father? lent it your father you are act Unconscious fear of success, which led you to challenge my ‘decision when you knew full-well | would never change i? Deep down, you want to fail And because | understand this NOW PLEASE DON'T GET UPSET, BUT YOU'RE GOING To HAVE TO +t GAS s i yy < Ayes was cows Ae) PAY TOLL > To, ms a AHEAD (37 MILES raat AND THE HOPES OF ALL OF US It WHICH IS A NUISANCE, WE ADMIT, WILL BE RIDING WITH YoU BUT NEVERTHELESS A CONDITION UNTIL THEN! ‘OF CROSS-COUNTRY DRIVING YOU WILL JUST HAVE TO ADIUST To! ree AWARD TO THE WISEGUYS DEPT. We recently read that a number of high schools, in order to reward outstanding students and encourage higher grades, are now awarding school letters for Scholastic Achievements in ad- dition to the usual | letters for Baseball, Football, Basketball, etc. Now we at MAD think this is a fine idea, but it still leaves out the students who are not particularly gifted in either Athletics or Scholastics, but do excel in other school activities. Mainly, those accomplishments that may not seem important to school officials, but are highly respected by the student body. So we suggest that educators begin honoring these skills by awarding .. . NEW SCHOOL LETTERS FOR INFORMATION SPREADING ve run into the classroom and re gonna be multiple or “The frst part is True Start Shaking! ‘Thirteen failed it in her first period class! 2, On two occasions, must have been ie first to inform students as to a faculty change like, “Old Kyetch is out with a cold!” or “A new guy just took over Eco 17, and is he a creep!” 3. Must have carried a portable radio into school during an entire “World Series,” reporting to students what the score was, who hit home runs, and who was doing the shaving commercials EXCUSE REQUIREMENTS: GIVING 1, Candidate must have come up with homework assignment—like "Iwas ged on the way to school, and they took my notebook!” or “My puppy tore my textbook!” or “Whaa homework? S original excuses for not handing in a ke 2, Must have created I new excuse for tardiness like “I'm late “cause I saw this sign saying ‘School—Go Slow! 3. Must have gotten out of dull class by showing note which says that he is needed on a Field Trip—and when it is discovered there was no trip, come up with brilliant excuse like, “Well, I really went down to City Hall to picket for higher wages for teachers!” | @iaa= @ wma me Seno) AWARDS PRESENTATIONS ToL INWERALDED ACvEWaT wenn wee EBS 0 THROWING REQUIREMENTS: IT 1, On an important written exam, the candidate must have written a 5-page treatise on a subject about which he knew absolutely nothing — and passed. 2. On an important oral exam, he must hhave successfully “hemmed and hawed’ and “coughed” through it, then passed by successfully changing the subject. 3. At least once during the term, the candidate must have come up with a ‘ridiculous answer which gave the impression he did not understand the question — like, “Sheldon, who wrote the Declaration of Independence?” — ‘Don't blame me! I didn’t do it!” or maybe “Oh wouldn't you like to know! PRANK REQUIREMENTS: PULLING 1. During first week of ne candidate must have sold faki tor pasies to 15 unknowing s! 3 new teachers and 1 naive Principal 1 least once during f caused at least one big Vonk (the 80-year eloped with Mr PROGRAM FIXING re REQUIREMENTS: 1. During Senior year, candidate must have scheduled an entire program of ‘nothing” subjects, including Music, Art, Gym, Shop, Driver's Ed., ‘Typing, 2 Study periods Lunch periods. 2. Candidate must have arranged to be in all the same classes as the smart- est girl in school, and to sit behind her in each one of them, (Letter will be awarded immediately if candidate arranges for her to share same desk!) 3. Candidate must have successfully worked out a program whereby one day ‘a week he doesn't even have to go 10 school at all... and he can legally thumb his nose at the truant officer. REQUIREMENTS: ust have come up with jons to enliven a boring : Falling asleep and collapsing onto floor, or Hiccoughing loudly through entire period, or Pass ing around copy of MAD and giggling, 2, Must have walked out of classroom with pass to washroom at least twice during same period, and slammed door or stamped feet loudly while leaving. 3. When someone made mistake, point ed at him and shouted current expres- sion like “Smock! Smock!", causing rest ‘of class to join in and shout same thing in unison. (Letter given immediately if teacher is one who made mistake!) REQUIREMENTS: 1, In any English Literature course, candidate must have refrained from reading all assigned texts, creating book reports, essays and exam answers from Classic Comics equivalents only. 2. When assigned to do a special term report, must have known at least two students who had same assignment last term and who let him copy their notes ‘3. Must have passed at least one exam ncient History by answering ques- tions with information gathered from the movies—like “Charlton Heston led the Israelites out of Egypt!” or “The ‘Roman Empire was destroyed by moral decay which started with Liz Taylor! ‘ ANAT ee JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART | BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT. 2co LE 2 . user (VARIED WRITER & ARTIST: DAVID BERG You never say itanymoret) (its just ike al those Where are all the sweet FOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD, GET ‘After only a few years of | | «1" movie cliches! You nothings you used to OFF MY BACK! AND ONCE AND ‘marriage, the til is aha cia for pataeet whisper in my ear? Where FOR ALL, GET IT THROUGH gone! All you do is practice are all those tender, THAT THICK SKULL OF YOURS, putting” on the new rug! romantic words? {LOVE You... STUPID! The trouble with you women is you don’t know how to shop! You make out long lists and you dawdle over every item! ‘A man makes fast buying decisions! Today, LL DO THE SHOPPING! money? I've gat to-go shopping for some food! When | come home, | want my wife to look hike @ woman, ot lke @ radar antennal put my hair in |] some stranger it, Fil comb out my hale and put on a new dress and look nice for him at suppert| curlers so it’ || we might see will ook nice— |} tonight? How ans (Seer | It that’s the way he wants But I'm trea! |[_ tm sick of sitting Allt wanna do || home every night is relaxin my |] and being a stick recliner chair || in'the-mud! We're and watch TV! |] going over to Marty ‘and Veronica's and CHOCOLATE SPRINKLES? ESKIMO PIE ‘SANDWICHES? HYDROX COOKIES? MINT JELLY? MALTED BALLS? GOOBERS? MALLOMARS? HERSHEY KISSES? LADY FINGERS? EGG ROLLS? FROZEN PIZZA? CAN | HAVE SOME MONEY? I'VE GoT TO GO SHOPPING FOR SOME FOOD! "swear, that’s all | ever ‘have to pick up your your pants, your What's that is follow you around Jacket, your shirt, your keys, your handkerchiet, you said? ‘and pick up after you! ‘socks, your shoes your wal mY (CRITICIZE! CRITICIZE! That's] {Wei Vm thinking ‘About the only nice ‘all you ever do Is CRITICIZE! thing! ean say about Can't you ever say anything nat Your NICE about me? sin-Laws” ore nicer than my “In-Laws” be the last ones to get there this time! I've been waiting for hourel! Honey, hurry up and get dressed! Let's not Dae Lota ae naa Hey, Syivial Come on, already! | 7 What's the | [Treot insomnia) (Take a glass of warm But this time, wash out the pot matter? | can’ fal asieep! | | mikt it works every | ang the glass and put them back timel Where they Belong! And put the a ‘milk back in the refrigerator! nd wipe the table. and ‘lean the sink Ever since we gat ie married, | fe! like i ‘too chicken! is I've lost my freedom! You's ‘chicken! that sol Well 1d like to get out re t welll see about fon the town by myself friends! that! I'm going! once in'a wil! LUCILLE, I'VE TOLD YoU A THOUSAND TIMES! DON’T USE MY RAZOR TO SHAVE YOUR LEGS! YOU RUIN THE EDGE ‘Now what are you doing? | thous were in a hurry! Wh off your (Grresisrwnstrece) (A PrenoLDER) DON MARTIN DEPT. PART I In The Acme Ritz Central Arms Waldorf Plaza AD-ITORIAL DEPT. ick up most any magazine these ys, and what do you see? The me dull ads, that’s what you see! And it makes no difference what kind of readers, or what kind of appeal a magazine has— you'll see the same dreary ads over and over in each of them. Now this is downright stupid! Since advertisers are paying as much as $30,000 for full-page ads, you'd think they'd want to make sure their messages were read! They could improve their chances by gearing their copy to the readers of each type of agazine. F'rinstance, take a at this recent ad for that nown hair-coloring outfit But the Clairol people a few cl ation. To see MAD's version of the result of such an effort, turn the page and discover what would happen WRITER: FRANK JACOBS miss CLAIROL : mes gaz ma me THe mest oF Tie AnTIcLE? 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