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Aviz can’t afford dirty plugs! But we can afford sneaky plugs —like these ads! Ever notice how we cry the blues and tell how hard we try and make like the underdog? We got a clever reason for doing this! It’s an old American tradition to root for the underdog. We figure you'll feel sorry for us, and give us your rent a car business. That way, we might get to be No. 1! Then we can afford to be independent and rent unwashed cars with cigarette butts in the ash trays, and worn wipers, and dry batteries...and if you com- plain, we can afford to say, “Nuts to you, Buddy!” Right now...it hertz to be No. 2! NUMBER 85 MARCH 1964 VITAL FEATURES siarete The good thing about Rock'n'Roll records is when they ‘ ae ? sear eal you ca tell the difference? Alired E, Neuman pe eer coon | WILCIANEM. GAINES publisher ALREKTB. FELDSTEIN editor Pg. 7 JON PEINAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production JERRY DE FUE, NICK MEGLIN aitoeiate editors sri smous asi uno een public Seeea vatican stone ono, ens sonms, eson mao sbsrpions Ente onan the usual gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS AND THE BANS PLAY ON DEPARTMENT Famous Protest Campaigns .......-....-cereesveseeeeeee 2 ‘A WARD TO THE WISE DEPARTMENT The MAD Hospital Primer ........0+ss+essessesessesseses. 97 BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of The College Crowd... ..+..+ee+001.22 CANDID CAMERAWORK DEPARTMENT rhe ATV Ad We'd Like To See ..-....++ 38 canines CLAWS AND EFFECT DEPARTMENT The Rescue .... - a 18 cRown, DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT Pa.22 ALA Matinee ... 3 5 18 The Sunday Drive 28 The Hunter 48 DOWNBEAST DEPARTMENT Mannio Get Your Ghoul 4 4 FUTURE FUNNY PITCHES DEPARTMENT EDUCATIONAL Future Educational Comic Pamphlets ......... 31 comic JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT PAMPHLETS Spy Vs. Spy ... P9.31 Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Spy LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail .... 5 2 MAID IN U.S.A. DEPARTMENT A Strange Interlude With Hazey ........0-see020 sesso THE MAD MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT HOSPITAL Drawn-Out Dramas dca lice Sea PRIMER No, DEPARTMENT P9.37 When They Uso Numbers For Everything .......s..s0se+e00.27 STOP THE PRESSURES DEPARTMENT The Real Story Behind The News THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CORN DEPARTMENT The Minute After That TV Show Is Over WORD GAME PRESERVE DEPARTMENT MAD Beasties **Vatious Places Around The Magazine A STRANGE INTERLUDE WITH HAZEY Pg. 45 YOU CAN TELL A SCHNOOK ae THE COVER! So camouflage your reading matter with . MAD PAPERBACK BOOK COVERS: YOU GET EIGHT FULL-COLOR ‘COVERS LIKE THIS ONE . . FREE | IN THE LATEST | MAD ANNUAL Le norman MAILER | ON SALE NOW! AT ALL NEWSSTANDS LETTERS DEPT. MAD WON'T MAKE THE SCENE Maynard Who For Thos reading MAD in a close-up, so they had to shoot the scene over. Guess we're not os chicken x your pre: ducers, Lado. We're vunning the pic and letter plugging the movie even tho they won't fun the scone plugging MAD! — Ea. STATEMENT oF NERS, MANAGEMENT aD CIRCULATION (act of October tion 4369, Tile 39, United Date of filing: Occ. 1, I ation: MAD 9. reencyof su: Moth Now. 4 22 5. Location of Headquarters or General Business Offices of the Publ (Not printer 8. Names and addresses of Publisher, Editor, aad Managing Editor: Publisher (Nome and Premier Corp. NYC 10018; A.M. Sonnabend, 464 Com rmonwetlth Aye. Boston, Mass; Frank G. Binswanger, 1420 Walost St, Phila, Penna, THAT ABOUT COVERS IT CONGRATULATIONS ! ! ! !! You: December ‘63 issue's front cover i a mas- texpiece of satire, and a telling comment ‘on the over-exploitation and over-mer chandising of "SEX" in our modern soci- ey. MAD is about the most sexless maga ine we've read. Keep them coming! ‘Mr. & Mrs. N. Robinson Carmichael, California, 1 was never so shocked as when I beheld your latest cover, and the word. "SEX’ Blazing at me and my childreain fuo- escent ink, yet! Lhave always considered your magazine suitable for my children, bur if you are going to become offensive and lewd, I certainly will noe permit his ublcation in my house, You ave shown Earlene Roberss Chnteanoogs, Tennessee KHRUSHCHEV LOOK-ALIKE GIVES HIM THE CREEPS ‘As a parent, know MAD to be a mag- azine that has always kept is humor free Of smut, and so I enjoyed your clever and Satirical front cover. But the back cover bothered me. Khrushchev’s look-alike, sear Jordan, gives me the creeps. "Bernard Zuch Cambria Heights, N. Y. Thor's funny He dlda’t bother your Editor at ll, os this photo will atest ‘adres ll co Michael Darof, 717 Fifth Avenue NYC 10022, 8. Known bondholders, morgagecs and other security holders owing or holding 1 percent or mote of ror amount of bonds, mortgages of other securities (If sere are fone, 10 tae) None. 8. Pazagzaphs 7 and & Inch, ia cases where the stockholder of security holder appears upon the books of fhe company as trustee oF ia anyother id ary relation, the name of the person ot cor poration for whom such trotee is acting, flko the statements in the two paragraphs ‘how the affant's full knowledge and belief as tothe circumstances end conditions under Which stkholders and security holders who do noe appear upon the books of the com. Dany as erustes, hold stock and securities in 4 capacity other than that of a boos fide owner. Names and addreses of individuals ‘who are stockholders ofa corpotetion which Tnelf is a sockholter of holder of bonds, mortgages ot other securities ofthe publish: ng corporation have been included ia para graphs 7 and § when the interests of such individuals are equivalent to 1 percent of ‘more of the total amouat of the stock ot secotites of the publishing corporation. 10. ‘This item must be completed for all Pub liations excepe those which do. ce carry ssdvertsing other than the Publisher's own fod whieh ate named in sections 152.231 tind 152.233 POSTAL MANUAL (Sections 43552, 4335) and 4356 of Title 39, United 16,850 Third Ave. N.Y. NY, 10022 States Code) (pra 1,891,062 | 2,286,983 55,070 | 55,328 1374010 | 1,718,220 None | None Sm of fe B, nade 1429,080 [1,773,748 1 certify thatthe statements made by me sbove are correct and complete. (Signature of editor, publisher, business manager, ot ‘xener) Wiliam M. Gaines, Publisher WHY KILL __ YOURSELF Xt —— JUST BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE LAST ISSUE ON THE NEWSSTAND? SUBSCRIBE TO AND GET 9 ISSUES FOR THE PRICE OF 8, OR 24 ISSUES FOR THE PRICE OF 20— MAILED RIGHT TO YOUR HOME! ‘use coupon or duplicate MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS 850 Third Avenue New York City, N. Y. 10022 1 Lenclose $2.0. Pease enter my name on your sub- scription list and mall me the nex 8 issues of MAD encase $800.* ease etry name on ug - ‘seiption ist, and mail me the next 24 Isues of MA! NAME ‘ADDRESS. city STATE. SATISFACTION GUARANTEED! ep, Ht samenody Ialolr oral a Me Wary" hi, Aled ‘ease eset hk Dept ek alr eS Tha ave, NYC 100 DOWNBEAST DEPT. (ES AGO, BROADWAY musicals were all about sweet, nice, young people living in a happy- lucky, wonderful world. Today, however, they're making musicals about thieves (“Oliver”), Suys and Dolls”), and the juvenile delinquents (“West Side Story”) gangsters and gamblers ( worst of all, business executives (“How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying”). Which makes us wonder: Why hasn't anybody done a show about the most unlikely people(?) of all—mainly, monsters? ‘To show Broadway producers what can be done, here is MAD's version of a “Monster Musical” called ... [|We're in trouble, [That's right, Mannie! || Sensational, dia | [But, Manniel|| Pitfie! Monsters—as ACT 1 Mannie! Real "| Unies you say? Ahal | ‘Aren't || you will discover I 3 trouble! None of |) s hhave it! We shail | | monsters || through my following SCENE the stars we handle the most ‘song-are naturals! q, handle is doing sensational stars| | Infact they a dime's worth inthe movie | of business! business today: MONSTERS! | Schnurrer,| | & Schlock, ! Theatrical Agents [1 Spooks and ghouls 1 J Tots of fotks Break all che rales; ‘Make comy jokes ‘They've got no drama teacher—|_— [Acgay the well-kne mCreature-|_— acinar | supernacurtty supernatur'lly “Sung tothe tune of “Doin! What Comes Natu'ly” Sounds | [ Not that we tikea || realy sold! Jereat idea} | But agreeing to us, | | with you gives Manniat | | “us our only et super- natu! Y 7 u ea jaye to know how to play “Macbeth” When you're east as a body ‘back {rom death! You don’t have to worry IE first they're not ‘Mon vampires Tack good breeding icceeding, They just try a different vein! if your profile’ good When you startin to terrorize a neighborhood! =, logy co Actin’ supernatue'lly! There's Just] Yeah) [That's easy cone problem, ||Allthe || Hello— IMansiet Where|| great || American are you going || ones || Airlines? togetyour || are || Get mea monsters? | retredi|| ticket on the next plane to MONSTER| ACRES! pernacur'lly ‘So this is Monster Acres—where all the old movie monsters have retired! Maybe ean fine someone to show me ar Perhaps | lean help yout ACT 1, SCENE 2; the outskirts of Monster Acres Whe Trvass Dracula—at your service! vas hovering overhead! Since my retirement from Show Business, Thaf been driving. Avery unfortunate incident! Vun day, | vas making @ movie! The director yelled, "Cut!"—and | took him literally! ——____I "PLEASE! Don't use dot Ve are all etired now— — Wold! Besides, I'm not you're |} “putting the bite on really up || people anymore! | still against t. |] ‘havea belfry over my Drac, ol” | Inead! Come, let's have a Spending our last years |[boy, | could] | drink atthe "Creature's soe wt | stake yout || “Black Saloon’ vi Yj drive you there by way. of the main arteries!! ACT 1, SCENE 8; the creature's Black Saloon Wiy argue, felas— when you coula both| be stars againt Come on back to Show Business! Just Sign this contract aes a] ind that Tenod Fall of square a _j[_ ont living bier than eer here's Yes juna big Fans f_Sinser thee better nothing” |_Syyhara bore] [tomer What bore! a a: *Sung to the tune of “Anything You Can Do {Can Do Better” Tam not returning? Titstay ‘This you should be lear [Came back to [Notenot Hollywood—|_-————* You'll ike Wests) it beter! Glamour quee Starlets will embr (Rerits noni Tes Wet] | [Fitsar you with Jayne? is beter Zan] | forme! —— [Phere is nothing you Monster Acres ‘Nothing you! They aren't listening! What's the matter with them! t couta ‘make them stars again! [Yourean ignoramus | [Youtean ignoramus [could make you famous! Tma happy fella— | You will feel Pee ‘snot athing |_Woudon't need! | can offer! Ly [Team get you anyth ote Lrseres youl] toyou! Not foryou!| thing to dot Don’t you see? Ve're Not today] Say "Okay"? ACT 1, SCENE 4: oftieniever all beyond dot now! Those days are over! Ve're content to live Now, this i all very flattering, but Please, dearl Can't you get the kids to quiet down?! "AnH Quiet yourself, ya big, over- lerown, good: for-nothin” [You see, Mr, Schiock.] "em dawn | | the people all fallow imy example here. And those screams all day! a mournful wail! and my wife at night! days at all, and I'l | hy ite aioe 1 Five gornay nas] | “that does fi hres ony one thing Newisan—[]- tomy bra inthe morning| | lefto gol The OLD monsters wort awful fright! | | Still I'm feeling And my wife perform anymore, so I'm gonna find Like I'm insane! kids in the in the evening | | NEW talent! Somewnere—out there in| rmemea_| |i gotmy kids chee ees oe oe mccsoe | |kedatoe and my wife atnight!| [at nighe this great land of ours is an unknown : creature so gruesome, so ghoulish, so} and—night!!| | “appealing, that he will capture the hearts of a gore-starved Americal [And Mannie Sehlock—wil find him) Finalist —== ACT 2, SCENE 1: the ottices of sontepner, schnurrer & Schlock (Okay! Do your} umber Onel [—t'ma ] | routine, and Thope you sah, running this )| _ Baht Just think of the publicity we've gotten! —Shelley jonster | | we'll see how know what | | contest to discover || Thousands of young Americans—each filled with Burymant | |comediant| | funny you are! lyou're doing,| |a new monster has cost|| ambition, glowing with talent, and slightly in What's your \ usa lot of money! _ | |humen—have flocked to our doors to compete! Anal specialty, ‘row, at last, we have narrowed the entrants down ‘Shelley? 105 finalists! Al right! Send in the first boyt | Good evening, | [ Actually |[Seriously, though] [ Last night, (told || Okay, Burymant Finalist 'dappreciate tit ladies and” “— Ilooka bit Iwas readingthis) my boss atthe || That's—yeechh— Number Two} | you called me Sy! Get gentlemen! A [] stoned book about a [] graveyard that | || enough, if you —Seymour | | it? Sy Clops! Heh-heh! funny thing | | tonight, it's |] Murmmy—calted || was gonna quit, ||know what! mean!] |ciopst What's| | Anyway, my specialty is lhappened to me| | ‘cause I've ‘Of Human IL your dancing! | do a tap ‘on the way to. | |been working| | Gandage,” and it| | aheartt"—sol | rot specialty, | |dance on 8B skulls that ‘the embaimers!| [the graveyard) | really choked me| | helped myself! To | [Next finalist [seymour...2} | arelined up like Keys Hata! shift! Hachal || up, ifyou know | | his—Hacha—it you y fon plano! Each skull | what mean! | [know what | mean! is tuned to a different noe of th seal Paapoar) [wer TIARA) [oarar) |["ace aoe] [ar] | © Tn ma srt | fortes sowe | dnd, || atotvatan || u marco stay ca ice] |sitincnost™ | [am] || Stem. |) eu yam a welcsrnae | "0 au want town| | Wa | "ating Jack Paris marvelou-| ass | Gy Sthesite | abe [ovat] [aarti wo they ene cracked! able to do contestant! a = v Te jaa a "Sung tothe tune of “They Say That Falling In Love ls Wonderful’ Rightherésa guy who Knows he] [Otayi Okay] [ve gor diac ] [Pile the new sensation [Will wow them lke Lugosi se you wanna| ‘one little ching that’s marvelous—|_| Throughout the whole darn nation! want vo hear the be a big Tes marvelous—eally cool! And when Ising “ound ofthat great applause, | | ster! What's | |No monster’ ‘they'l let outa scream for more, your able to sing so marvelo For, cl Seecet So marvelous, et me tell you No monster's They claim —— " ‘able to sing so marvelous— eg stars marvelous 2) Marvelous! Marvelous! f AY Don't be a foolt ‘That's why Tcame— a T'm your Ghoul!! want fame! a Great) [i Fabulous! 12 world's first “Singing. What do | |Monster”! Glenn, my boy, get ready to you think,| | hit the big time! in just three weeks, Mannie?’| | you make your debutt -——————+ This ist, Glenn! The place is packed with erties, columnists, celebrities everybody who can help make you a star! So go out there and sing your big opening number. “Tie Thing That | Bury like you never sung before! VU killthe people No need to go to extremes! Mr. Schiock! “Just make “em like yout That cheering In business You're right, Mannie! He'sHey! What's that ‘cheering again! Look what's coming Jdown the aistel Will have two bloodshot eyes Staring up from body unbearably reckin'| dbly and scary ‘hing’ that T bury will be oi *Sung to the tune of “The Girl That | Marry” [BY Theres no monsters like “Pro monsters Just no monsters we know! The ‘We are twice as wonderful and gory—| | 1f you We can chill an audience like feel pecrisied— pin some secret lab-ratory | | To make her scream “Sung to the tune of “There's No Business Like Show Business’ The | [Thow | [The The There's no monsters We're great monsters—First rate monsters— ltnricking|| tittle | |sbrunken| | fap Tike "Pro |We're much more in the know the head of Just no monsters we ke a normal slob— that | | wings Folks adore the Cs You've got a wife and a steady job— Audiences know they Then you drink « potion ‘and you're now the "Blob"! Mixed.up gorilla What ho! Who's called King Kong! Monsters... Le's... GO! lmonsters| | croaks love an © awful cought AND THE BANS PLAY ON DEPT. Each time a new discovery, invention or idea is born, it has a twin...the “Protest Group.” Now you may think that the Protest Group is a recent development. So did we, until we began digging into the past. And guess what we found? Yep, we found that whenever there was some new discovery, . invention or idea, there was a group of people J.’ legs protesting it. Here, then, is MAD's gallery of MAMI Ve AND GOLIATH First it was name-calling and spitting! Then came seratching and biting! And after that, clubs and rocks! But these weren't horrible enough! Oh, nol Now we've faced with the most vicious ‘deadly weapon of al-the sling! | tell you, it must never be used! Who knows what ft can do? Whe really knows how to control it? And what about "Penble-Fall-Out'? Allow Mankind to use the | ‘sling, and it means the end of civilization as we know it! We ‘saa have bit one choice! We must disarm now-—before it is too late! \ ARTIST: 808 CLARKE WRITERS: FRANK JACOBS & STAN HART \ own thie Books Pamphlets Documents “Nn matter mat the job, we NY) Aton cae gmaat” —lge 1492—THE SAILING OF COLUMBUS 5. AN. 4. Society Ageinst Meedless Hxplorations 14 Gaming de Granade Miadeid, Spin Dear Mi cut the expedition King Ferdinand nee Queen sail west to the Indies Irv beled by-seme'une her Columbus and will cost about 2 mile Vow pesos. While people are starving in this country, he’s ns. And just who is this Columbus anyway’ ? ims the world is 9 alter peso into the seat shoul patonpepee Wares be a ee i round. Round, treasury just to out expeditions, least let's send out sad of same foreigner! Progressively, Carlos Carramba,, President 1621-THE PURCHASE, OF MANHATTAN Ea Dutch Colonist’s Gazette What's this Peter Minuit, some kind of nut? who needs to spend an outrageous sum like $24 to buy a white elephant like Man hattan Island? Peter Minuit—last of the red-hot spenders—fast- talked by some slick Manhattan Indians—Ha! Listen, Fellow suckers, here’s what you bought! A big nothing! In 200 years, won't be a farm on the ei island, We'll be the laughing stock of the Colonies. People may af zl any fun, But its not too I dress it up a little, and r the British for $30! I'd be happy with a 25% return, Let’s act now! Let's show those sharpie Indians that they're not dealing with a bunch of hicks from the Zuider Van Lingle Glingle, Chairman Committee of One Hundred To Lynch Peter Minuit '52—BEN FRANKLIN EXPERIMENTS WITH HIS KITE ent a aLeSin| 6 Noe | b lly er a Md a eae 0 SIGN a 1774—-LAFAYETTE ARRIVES IN AMERICA ANT TRUSTE Sores | THEYLL RUIN “Necker i ee oe 1839—ABNER DOUBLEDAY 1876—ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL INVENTS BASEBALL INVENTS THE TELEPHONE (Win dtogmiet Be OO APRNTOH CO | JOIN THE } Mother’ : March = We, the undersigned residents of the 1600 block on Elm AGAINST THE DEMON BASEBALL fia «that insidious new “pasti ‘ehh is corrupting our sons by r ot have been hea ng from his laborate Juring them away from honest work! = rumored that Mr. Bell is making some kind of +4 e ___> push voiees through wires. He must be stopp Something like that could be very frightening c | «DESTROY « Be aavhiatcianareeiest | bats, balls, gloves and other = Eluirs Uitchy bas doy wel } Evil Tools of the Devil! a Ont Gulorme Cr PSvniloch No = SAVE a re obs — those time-honored American —— ; — principles of Industry, wees. 1921—MIAMI, FLORIDA Diligence, end , i 1 Editor, Miami Herald is built right on our lovel arta ee aithse ‘Mother! oe ee my Tt has been called to our atten- ‘The time to act is now! We This Year, we Modest homes. on the beach, ‘Tuesday Night's Torohlight Rally and that Me-Smced plane t9 Jom aur campaign today. Pre: Outside Town Hall Whore Abnor ahaa F mecootiecunin et or a take in two boarders” and is serve the value of our land and Doubleday Will be Hanged in Effigy! encouraging his neighbors to - property! (Qaly if we can't string im up in pergen!) Sarees Mater ae em BINGO AFTERWARDS aa! ie Civic Rerrenmenr Leactie ‘ill be rooming President: Irving Fontainblew » Viee-Pr stop? First, it wi houses, and ther may live idney Americana lion that last year a Mr. must take a firm stand before) Liewolyn Smeed of our gor Noriherners. ate ouselty took in boarder from down here in drove New. York for the Winter the real ostate j { DON MARTIN DEPT. PART = A ee | (é TWD JE & es > LO WORD GAME PRESERVE DEPT. Writer Phi Hahn and artist Paul Coker, J. both insist that they were frightened by a dictionary i at an early age... mainly last month at age 30. > They further insist that practically every word \ in said dictionary suggests an animal, if you'll ‘only look. Personally, we think they're playing Me ‘games with us... so we invite you to play, too! ‘All you have todo is take a word, and dream up i ‘an animal it suggests — like the following . . . flunkey round robin bugaboo publican 2 >) LED BEASTLIES crocus dogmatic THE RESCUE CLAWS AND EFFECT DEPT. THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CORN DEPT. So you think most TV shows are too long? Ha! Well, it so happens, smart alek, they're too short. The best things happen after the show. If they could stay on the air for one more minute, there'd be a lot more entertainment on the idiot box. Understand? Well, take some time off from hating your parents, and we'll show you our version of— MINUTE AFTER Mr. Collyer, I'm from the Bureau of Internal Revenue! Vd lke to ask you a few questions about your 1962 Income Tax Return, Now, under expenses, you claimed— ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: STAN HART © out Carol Burnett, | can do without you! Remember, T made you You no-talent blob! You stepped on my best laugh | Go ahead and hit (of the night! Get this straight! If can do with me, Gari | ‘and I can break youll ASKED FOR IT and remember, th is your show, because ... ou asked for itl ‘enjoy our hospitality iilitiyestyle, that is! Hear? SY) Bunche, and that dear Pablo Casals always arrives. *) “early! Oh, do hope the place cards are correct! Last time, they spelled Walter Lippman's name ‘wrong! Let’s see, | think Rose Kennedy likes Vichyssoise, but I'm nat sure just how U Thant feels about Pheasant-Under Glass got some pictures of you, Mr. Funt, that Contfide Magazine will gladly pay me plenty for—if you dor u'll notice that when our candid camera eaught yo you weren't exactly smiling! JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART! oni. 4 a ae CPs BERG'S-EYE-VIEW DEPT. Dave Berg never went to college. We could say he attended the Col- lege of Hard Knocks, graduating Summa Cum Loudmouth, but it’d be an old joke, Then again, Dave is an old joke. Anyway, the author of the forthcoming “MAD's Dave Berg Looks at the U.S.A.” now turns his envious attentions to THE LIGHTER SIDE OF ‘Look at those Princeton Boys... rating againt Er... excuse me, Professor Porter, may asifhe were ina drunken | | go out and get ‘stupor, has finaly raised acrinie his hand! Yes, Mr. Shlep? ‘You college punks Tan, what ean you ‘ought to be ashamed expect from these ‘of yourselves! focal yokels! Just another example of anthintelleetualism! ‘Oh, no you don’t! You're not going to MIND YOUR. make 2 "Panty Raid” on my dormitory! The girls here are sweet, innocent, What are you tying to do, louse up the 52 Wrock the curve? o My Judy is away at college. She's ‘And yet, this wonderful child stil Really? overwhelmed with courses, studying, manages, somehow, to find time to What does term papers, exams—besides leading 2 very active social life, what with dates, fraternity dances, rallies, football games, sorority rushing write to her parents regulary, like she say? clockwork. And such long, detailed letters, full of emotion “VM BROKE! SEND MON! ( Conaratutatons, youre man idee gau area? ye a nowy gacated rom Cole, ‘nd rena sat ton» isa ond promiaing are 1 represent the National Engineering Corporation. We are looking for bright young men like you to join ‘our company and grow with ust We have a great starting ‘salary plan! We have a wonderful step-by-step ‘promotion plan, and Wwe have a generous profit-sharing plan ‘Never mind all thatt What kind ‘of @ RETIREMENT PLAN do you have? ‘See, he ls doing some: thing useful, ‘98-99-1001 ATTA ‘STOP THIS SHAVING CREAM | don't see Tom Heder Fl Ti getting involved in ‘such nonsense! By the way, where is he? Please, fellast Give me another chancel I swear | won't doit again! On my honor—I promise | won't srupy anymore! ‘One bad egg lke you can spoil it Guys like you should be for the rest of us! You can take ‘expelled from school! - a But you've been ‘on the Dean's. List for two years! What are you taiking about? Felled!? But you're 2 “Straight A” student! ‘You gotta say one thing about College! It separates the men from the boys! DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II SUNDAY DRIVE (Severe { Look out for that truck! agp tothe ig Can't you see those ‘Your honor, | was doing 35 on Route 65 in my'34 Nash, when along came this "35 Essex doing 80 which suddenly side-swiped meso that 2 seconds later | crashed into this '35 Ford V-8. This was at 10 minutes. 10.9, ond because of it, | was late for my 16th birthday party! times: You can’t drive without a license! 30 dollars or 30 days... oer pena peer eres Usually re rcy "Gi Pvt st Class Herman Fifer, Sir Serial number 420698161'm nthe nd Squad Si tne ard ator atte 147% Meee Kit Repair Company attached tote th | Battalion ofthe 2nd eeiment ofthe ist Dision of the 30th Corp othe th Army! ‘and what outfit ‘are you with? 4 Pe) reer pitreney hogan to Pas rs re pote Operator, I've been dialing 516-4599, Area Code 321, but! get 'm sorry, but when dialing 212-777-5151, ‘no connection. | dialed “Information” at 321-555-1212 to ‘you must also include the territory code cheek the number, but I couldn't get information. $0! dialed 1232 and the planet code 2133, and also 212-777-5151 to get information on the right number the number 39756—which isn’t really any In tir aon Patt to ° ‘code but i just thrown in to confuse you Bia ‘tie more: When you dala these numbers, you'll find that 212-777-5151 is rat a working number. What's more, I'm not 'a working operator. i'm the cleaning gir. All the regular operators are at Shady Rest Sanitorium.... for obvious reasons! Prd of hand! Took, im not Mr. Zonk! mm Me. Fripblet sent the letter! You probably get mixed up Decause we have the same ZIP CODE number! But never mind! I'l deliver it to Zonk myself He lives across the street ‘Special Delivery Letter, Mr. Zonk! Sorry it took 47 days to arrive, but the sender put your ZIP CODE number—10965—after you street address instead of after your state, so instead of living on East 25th Street, we thought you lived on East 2510965th Street. Since there's no such street, we checked to see'f you lived on West 2510965th Street, but someone on the U.S. eae Perera Petit} its mew Pty rer numbers pers ioscericy Now that society is on this wild “Numbers Kick”, itl only be a matter of time before numbers work their way into every part of our lives. In fact, here is. What Could Happen... z ..z=When They Use Num bers For EVERYTHING | don’t know! Hum the first shweetie! Ml few numbers and ‘youhie— lake it at's 420889 doing with thet JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART II FUNNY PITCHES DEPT. Its a fact that more people read the comic strips than any other feature in the daily newspapers. Why is this? Because most people don't understand them other features! For this reason, famous cartoonists are now ing hired by worthy organizations to produce comic pamphlets with important messages. These organizations that if someone like Dr. Salk explains how necessar him, but if Little Orphan Annie explains it, the whole thing will make sense. Obvioush masses cannot identify with a distinguished scientist, but they can i idiot. Anyway, here are a few comic pamphlets recently published by non. they feel that the eles, glassy-eyed jent organizations: ou. POGO PRIMER FOR PARENTS (EN prvision) This pamphlet is put out by the N.Y. This one is issued by the U.S. Dept. This comic book pamphlet is published State Department of Mental Hygiene, of Health, Education and Welfare, and _by the Planned Parenthood Federation ‘and explains how very important good shows the necessity of establishing of America, and illustrates the value ‘mental health is to our daily living. sensible TV viewing habits for kids. of planning a family intelligently Well, we don’t know how successful these comic pamphlets have been for educational purposes, but we do know where a trend like this can lead if we're not careful. Mainly, we may be seeing these... FUTURE EDUCATIONAL CGOMUG PAM PRLETS THE SOCIETY OF PLASTIC SURGEONS | presents | DIGK TRACY {nan important pubic service pamphlet | (RBeEE ea’ ce cae Dice het S18 Be ero Se it ete WANE eA SURGEONS VALIANTLY FIG” a CE WHY AREN'T WE FRIENDS W TELL ME, ROW" TRACY? WHY AM 1 ALWAYS! HAVE YOU EVER TRYING TO KILL YOU, [THOUGHT OF SEEING INSTEAD OF CLASPING | YOUR FRIENDLY YOU TO MY CHEST IN J FAMILY PLasTic WARM, MASCULINE SURGEON? CAMARADERIE ? Ys ‘BUT WHAT BO my UGLY BUMPS HAVE TO BO witH BECAUSE YOUR BUMPS ARE UGLY, YOU HATE YOURSELF -- AND IN TURN, YOU TRANSFER. THIS HATRED TO OTHERSZ, UGLY BUMPS, AND GIVE ¥ YOU SOMETHING YOU'VE ALWAYS | WANTED: HANDSOME BUMPS ONCE YOUR BUMPS ARE REMOVED, YOU'LL LOVE ) YOURSELF AND OTHER PEOPLE, THE ONLY ONE WHEN YOU CAN LOOK YOU'LL HATE THEN WILL BE THE PLASTIC 4 | BEAUTIFUL? YouR ‘SURGEON-- 5 = FRIENDLY FAMILY PLASTIC ONCE YOU SEE > THANKS FOR ENLIGHTENING SURGEON CAN HELP HIS BILLY / Me, TRACY! I'LL DROP IN YOU! SEE HIM TODAY! AND’ SEE DOC PLUNKETT ON. RIGHT. TESS? THE THIRD FLOOR -- ON MY way DOWN / THE MOBSTER BOXING PROMOTERS OF AMERICA Dresent JOE PALOOKA ina vitally important propaganda leaflet ATTABOY. JOE! Vuere you ARE, YOU KNOCKED | knogay’ #730, 000) ae 6 WiKi ‘SO Why DONT ALL You youNe WT... DUN. SSIONER- BRIBING, AND OTHER INCIDENTAL 3 Qo boo @ fod 4 THE UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE VAR oe \ SERVE F Youse Waves RETIREMENT JOIN NEFITS... ie “VT SOND THE us, NAVY AND LOOK aT Me! I GETS INTO SILLY FIGHTS ALL THE TIME, I TALKS LOUSY ENGLICH I EATS NUTTIN’ BUT (oew/ SPINICH, AN' I GOES ‘OUT WIT’ SKINNY, UGLY BROADS/ THE ASSOC. OF AMERICAN MARRIAGE COUNSELORS presents | MARVAVORMTH ina heart-warming cartoon document T LOVE SHEILAL yar Nas PON Sau ue MNase A | | Fane Tr paosomicuny / whee, ¥, WHAT SHELA YOUR MARRAGE At WORT AIK? GIVE AND TAKE PROPOSITION. YOU TD WHAT GIVE~AND HE TAKES! BUT THAT LIPSTICK) atuee 4 suieT? Sn ie Sir ue ose wesrensar) CATH Does wes ee Loves wv Less. / SRLS, ONLY MEANS HE HATES! YOU MORE. @ "oryseLey, YOU MUST TRY TO UNDERSTAND HIM i) FRST=="THEN. HIT HA! AS SINC a mt "MARVIN, THESE YOU, { FIVE YEARS WEVE SPENT TOGETHER SHAVE BEEN THE HAPPIEST YEARS (OF MY LIFE! iil, FOLKS! THE ASSOCIATION OF AMERICAN, MARRIAGE COUNSELORS HAS SENT ME HERE TO RUN YOUR LIVES [| AND SEE WHAT T CAN 00 ABOUT SAVING YOUR ROCKY MARRIAGE! (AS. BERTRAND RUSSELONCE ‘SAID OR MAYBE IT WAS GALEN. DRAKE (ZAT MARY)" LOVE SA MANY SPLENDORED / A SELF- KAZ00/" MARVIN, WHY DO / DEFROSTING YOU THINK SHEILA KISSES (KELVINATOR! THE (CE MAN WHILE YOU'RE AWAY? == ar BUBBIE!)~ HEF REPRESENTS A FATHER-FIGURE, ICE MAN? WE HAVE 3 SPENT THREE MONTHS WITH YOUR MOTHER BEFORE T CAE HERE, SHeiLa- ‘$0 ONT BOTHER / ‘SHE WENT HOME fa] 10 HER moTHER! TS NO USE, MARVIN? We CANT GO ON LiKE THs SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED TO OUR ANREAGE ‘vER We PAST FEW MONTHS AND T CANT PUT MY FWGER ON (T/T GOING HOME ‘TO _MOTHER/ ~