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Cred pred: LT ae: kJ Dec. '63 CHEAP ee ee ELEN ena Ce a ee eae “19 BUT WE'D NEVER STOOP THAT LOW! 367 angry workers yell, “Next year—watch out! nan Buluva We're sick of bonus watches from NUMBER 83 DECEMBER 1963 ce going t9 insure better education for our children, we beter start pulling some wires — mainly the ones on the TY, Radio and Hi-Fi ~Alired E. Neuman WILLAM M.GaINEs publisher ALBERT 8, FELDSTEIN editor ous PoWNAM art director LIONARD uuENNER production TeaRy of FUCeIO, NICK MELLIN associate editors veri J SCHENEAS lawsuits mlCHAKD BERNSTEIN publicity comin ORLANDO, E115 MOMELLS, ELSON THRNDO subscriptions the usual gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS ADD VERSE AND CONSENT DEPARTMENT Government Greeting Cards A KICK IN THE CANNES DEPARTMENT AMAD Guide To Art Films BERG'S EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side of Car Owners CHOW MAINLY DEPARTMENT MAD's Chinese Restaurant Owner Of The Year DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT The 50-lb Cannonball-Throwing Contest Shipwrecked The Fire At The Art Museum HOLLYWOOD DEPARTMENT Scenes We'd Like To See JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs. Spy Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Spy ..-.- LABOR PAINS DEPARTMENT The Labor Union Manual LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Drawn-Out Dramas ty MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RAUNCHY—DEPARTMENT ““Hood"!—The Sick Western Movie POKIN' THE PIGSKIN DEPARTMENT ‘A MAD Look At Football SPACIAL DELIVERY DEPARTMENT The Army On Mars 2 THE SHRIEK OF ARABY DEPARTMENT Rule Number One 5 VIDIOT'S DELIGHT DEPARTMENT ‘Stupidity On Television aden. **Vatious Places Around The Magazine 20 18 1" 2 48 19,31 45 28 VITAL FEATURES STUPIDITY ON TELEVISION - . > if thie ipidit trend Peale NY we'll all end up swimr In a soa of idiocy — like little ost Minows! THE ARMY ON MARS 0.002.008 No matter where Gl's aro stationed, thoy'll always hhave the same old gripes, ‘even if their Army Base fare “out of this world! AMAD GUIDE TO ART FILMS a4 MAD takes a look at "At Films’ and finds that the % only practiced is ‘y/7 the art of convincing the public that they're great! GOVERNMENT GREETING CARDS .....20 Here ia a suggesion for softening Official Gov't RESTAURANT OWNER OF THE YEAR ..23 funny. thing about ‘An hour after you read it, you want to read it again! Dave Berg's study of the typieal ear owner touches almost everyone! In fact, it should turn out to. be your ovn “auto-biography"! ‘THE LABOR UNION MANUAL .......-..37 This confidential manual GES, shows what Capital is up ‘when it comes to = sed Labor today — CU mainly "Time-and-a-Haffa”! “HOOD"I-THE SICK WESTERN ........45 =e Our version of the movie NIE" stout the rotten no-good eo) a a acHud of S the game by changing into \ Ss ‘8 rettener no-good bum! YOULL DIAL LAUGHING WHEN YOU SEE THE LOCO PROGRAM LISTINGS, THE PREVIEWS OF NEW FALL SHOWS, THE TV TELETRIPE, THE RIDICULOUS ARTICLES, THE ABSURD PUBLICITY PHOTOS AND THE EQUALLY ABSURD ADS—IN THIS “MAD” VERSION OF— PREVIEWS OF NEW FALL SHOWS SPECIAL MAD 16-PAGE BONUS ISSUE vecriamas- Assan Hohart Smedley and ert Sehweitzer a5 “The My Doctors” YOU GET THIS FABULOUS 16-PAGE FULL-COLOR BONUS FREE IN THE LATEST MAD ANNUAL MORE Fasi7 FROM LETTERS DEPT. SATIRICAL MASTERPIECE After nearly fve yeurs of being a de- voted MAD fun, I'am convinced that MAD isa satirical masterpiece Gary Rucker San Jose, Calif. ‘What fook you so long? Ed. CURRENT PROBLEM Itwasa long, hard strugale, but Ufnally did iT followed your plans to the lever, and now T have a full-sized Stratojet ia sy back yard. (You dide' think I'd be stupid enough co build it in my basement, did you?) Now, would you please tell me REVOLTING REACTION ‘The last issue of MAD left me with a lump in my throst—maialy because 1 threw up after reading it KK. Lowy, Jt Fe, Lauderdale, Fl wat How come you guys put exclamation points at the end of all your statements! Next, you'll be putting them at ehe end of questions? Trish Lipscomb Taipei, Taiwan (MAD “HAPPY PIL” 1 do not believe I have ever written to you before to express my appreciation that {2 magazine such as yours exist, There have been many times when my spits were so low that I shudder to remember them. Luckily, these frightening depres- sions seemed to coincide with a new issue ‘of MAD, the reading of which chased the gloom away in nothing flat. No “happy pill” in the world is as beneficial as laugh, and nothing produces a good laugh where I can get 2 10,000 foot long exten- {6;'me like good social satire, ae Wi in Taro Adele White La Jolla, Calif. WHAT'S SO FUNNY? Ever since I began reading MAD (I'm still wondering why!), T've noticed that ‘Alfred E Neuman is always. smiling. ‘Afterall, since he appeats on the covets of such a lousy (putting it mildly) maga- zine, I don't see what be's so happy about. DOTS A BYLINE Incase you didnt know what the More Code insignia: ~ +, appearing on the "Spy ve Spy” cartoons, mean, have succeeded in defining them. They ead a5, follows: By Probias PD. (Ace Telegeapher) Tos Angeles, Calif. David Smith Piedmont, Calif. No kidding!—Ed, ROARING SIXTIES Please enter our subscription to MAD photo). Magazine for one year, and bill us for same. To fail to do this is to invite @ from us! (see enclosed ‘couse we don't bill Ed ing money on that “ncetunal visit” Paul (Kindly) Terai Numrich Arms Corp. ‘West Hurley, NY, COOL “ARTHUR ay XA) ——a 1 tows you mig be interes ia ‘Arthur’, This wat constructed by the boys of Hebb House, Acadia Univesity, ‘Woltville, Nova Scotia, as theie project for the Annual Winter Carnival The snow sculpture was about five feet in ieighe, and withthe exception ofthe wee, ‘contained nothing but sao. Congratul: flons, MAD has once again entered isto the forefront of fon ‘Mike Cuzry Fore Chuschill, Manitoba, Can. FACT OF ECONOMICS Advertising pays for most of the cost of early all publications. If ic weren't for ads, some magazines would cost at lest a dollar. But you jerks, ignoring the fact ‘of economics, go right abead publishiog. {your magazine for only 25¢ withoat one paid ad! ‘Bob Songer Berkley, Mich Hey, so that’s the reosonl—Ed, ILUANT QUESTION T have been reading MAD for more than three years. I have an 1Q. of 150, and am graduating from High School as ‘an honor student. Whae’s wrong? ‘David Lewallen Charleston, $.C. ‘You're not trying!—Ea. (MARGIN CALL 1 especially enjoy those litle cartoon jokes on the sides of the pages. Whoever does these should come forth and take a bow. Howard Nusbaum Brooklyn, N.Y. ‘The Marginal “Drawn-Out Dramas" are the work of Sergio Araganes, who tokes @ SWAD Look At Football” In this ievel—Ed. INDIAN LOVE CALL Contrary to its name, yours is one of the sanest and most intelligent magazines have ever read, and I have read them all. ‘Ram Gopal Singh Bombay, India BEATING TV COMMERCIALS I just finished reading. your article “the MAD Plan For Beating TV Com: smercil-Breaks, snd really enjoyed it Naturally, Tread it when any ted-blooded MAD reuler wouldduring TV Commer cial-Breaks! Alan Parnell No Addeess Given WISDOM or FOLLY? Congratulations! Arla there is a mag- azine that believes in che First Amend. ‘ment. No other magazine of national im portance would dare print the articles you do, Jody Johnson Grosse Pointe, Mich MAD DIGGER Ie might interest you to know that Ausealia’s owa Quiz Champ has. every jase of MAD ever publishes. ‘David Hare Sydney, Australia PUN-WAY STREET You will be happy to lean chat we have just named the litle stree in back af my hosse after your "Whae-Me Wor- fy kid, We call "ALE ‘Chock Seomm Se Pesenburg, Fla THAT COVERS IT ‘Why is it that in each issue of MAD, only the froat and back covers are ia color? George Beacham Kansas City, Kans Because the ret of he magazine isn black- and-whitel—Ed, o0Ps! When my father saw the article on “Motorcycle Cops", be laughed so hard his false teeth fll ou. ‘Adtian Van Dyk Los Angeles, Calif. STICKS AND STONES don't sce why you put up with all the fpames people call you, like clods, jerks, idiot, dumbbell, et’ Why don't you ever protert? You must be some kiad of blundering, incompetent nicwits! Bill Doublodee ‘Wooster, Ohio Please addres ll correxpondonce to ‘MAD, Dopt. 83, 850 Thied Avenue New York 22, N.Y. 10022 MAINLY, WHEN THE NEW ISSUE ARRIVES ‘AT THE STORE, YOU CAN AVOID ALL THAT BLOODSHED AND VIOLIN: SUBSCRIBE TO MAD AND GET NINE ISSUES OF THIS BASS MATERIAL FOR THE PRICE OF EIGHT— MAILED TO YOUR HOME! MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS 850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N. Y. 10022 Somebody aught to string you guys upl I'never believed you'd have the guts fo stoop sole. in there viol attempts to grab my lute. So. I'm resin to tho cecotion. Here's my $2.00. Enter my rome ‘on your subscription ist, ond ‘mail me the nest nine ies of MAD. NAME, ADDRESS, cry. STATE. op a eee aoe at a ramet NOW...FREE! eaviinas ser Sha Med ave hem Ya VIDIOT'S DELIGHT DEPT. The 1962-63 TV season witnessed a whole rash of new "The Beverly Hillbillies" all cavorted across the and successful weekly shows. Such national disgraces idiot tube, and captured the bankrupt imagination of as “‘The Real McCoys," “I'm Dickens — He's Fenster,” the TV viewing public. And what was the magical in ‘McHale's Navy," ‘Car 54—Where Are You?”, “Ensign gredient common to all these shows? Stupidity! Plain, O'Toole" and that Trendex Champion of Champions — simple, unbelievable STUPIDITY! Which brings us to STUPIDITY STUPIDITY ON DOCTOR SHOWS—"BEN CASEY” You call yourself a dortor, || Sub-cortat Wrong, Ben Casey! All 8 of || 1 gave nim a Foolish boy! | And what Ben Casoy? Why, you are so || hematoma Mr. Zlotney's sinus cavities || skull series, an "You would || about tr. wrapped up in involved || with febrile are blocked! Didn't you see || angiogram, and have known | Llewelyn, hospital procecure and || contusions those triangular pieces of || “a spinal tap! Immediately | here? bid you'd” | you notice technical terms that you've || of the upper paper stuck to his face? lost touch with humanity! || glotist | How did you arrive at your [ag given him the | ‘that he's Take Mr. Ziotney, here! How ‘diagnosis, anyway? “Nasograph | been un do you diagnose his case? comfortable PE z y : ‘and out-of sorts lately? STUPIDITY ON VARIETY SHOWS—"“GARRY MOORE” ewas tne time ot the soap box--when funny little Red agitators spoke ‘great outdoors! Millions of people woke up early to spend hours in the sun—walting for the banks to re-open! [my —S . its time you people revotted —because you are the most revolting people she has ever seen! But seriously, folks— this arti ce the creative giants of the TV ra ae SF ea ee networks always follow the lead of proven successes, you can expect to see some established shows alter their present formats this coming TV season — to con- form to this new and frightening trend toward . . ON TELEVISION Yes, | think | Wrong again, Ben Casey! [And your handling of Mr. If stomach acid can do this to cea, Myce. ta cee stepach acid an ote eee saleaain||| “pases Ww ewes handkrcit, Seren ace” | | yet cigstont stomach, Ben Cas ive him “Rol Did you ‘against our wishes! When we say you should Wiss the boo-boo, Ben ‘Casey—you have no, choice! YOU KISS. THE BOO-BOO! Iwas a time when the typical 1929} domestic scene looked Ike is ja time wren people from all Walks, of life got to know each other better Joy meeting for lunch at special cafes_| Do you recall— \y Remember ta My bs ‘That wonderful, ae Wonderful yeast You're disgusting! You | pect can't do anything well! | Pest Hey ‘You nave no talent--no Hi, all you adorable || He's | Yeant 1 unemployed people! Cute || great Title me is gonna enter- || “isn't tain you while you're | he? starving by doing a cute litte imitation of your favorita silent screen | STUPIDITY ON NEWS SHOWS—“HUNTLEY-BRINKLEY”’ ur Hey, Davel Why did the Red Chinese Army cross Hoshot That's corny! That was no Yeh-yeh! That's corny! Say, : Say, Chet! Who was that gentleman! [] “Dave! Do you know what the Indian Frontier today’ gentleman | saw having That was our Ambassador to the Tunch with President Sovemor Governor Hi congo did today when he Kennedy toda earn ‘Alabamat STUPIDITY ON SPORTS SHOWS—“CBS SPORTS SPECTACULAR” Hi, sports fans! This is Bud Palmer with another “CBS Sports “The International Cuteness Doubles Finals"... in which ‘Spectacular’! In the past, we've gone to the four corners of the two:times national champion Doubler ‘the earth to bring you great events like the “Australian fe Breath-Holding Tournament.” the "Peruvian Potato Race Finals,” g] and the “Southeast Asia Ringaleevio Championships"! Today, however, we're staying right here in the good old U.S.A, for the spectacular of spectaculars be challenged by the fast rising Certs Twins! Each pair aus gets 5 minutes to smile, wink and wrinkle ther noses WE ‘and the pair that isi alive after they've performed fo | should like to remind the defendant that he cannot be forced to | ey sus iss vit have a ham on rye— 120 easy on. the mustard! | admit that the evidence point conclusively to the fact that this boy did.indeed, murder his mother | and father! But we must take plty ‘on him! We must open our hearts to him! Remember—he's an orphan! | Yes, set And if that's true, I've got Just one thing You realize, boy, that whatever you say will oJ Elizabeth Taylor! ! SES ee Say, Dave, what did Queen Elizabeth say to Lord Home when he | STUPIDITY ON DRAMATIC SHOWS—“DU PONT SHOW OF THE WEEK” Beg After examining this cigar, Watson, ean safely deduce that it was y you're so smart! | just finished itt THE EDUCATIONAL TV NETWORK presents “THE WISDOM THAT WAS GREECE” with ALLEN and ROSSI Rigel asa SERPS CR RUC CROC CE LIL Le ec EU ROWE USS Re eS peers into the future and empties out the first mail bag of letters from troops stationed in space . . . mainly Vee A 3987362 ‘ Gon 6,144 + 14th Tank Ba, Dear Munsy, chap from Pe, na from me, but it ¥ou were thinkin, hous: Noande erthedt lvania took them pe 1 of me, ~_ T don't 6 ame Dad Speaking out aj Ci out ai the was: ore ay one bit tor tefut polteses ‘boing gies Army nore. ‘The idea on sone ink Battalion to Nar atnosphere ts so thin aeereres te Bave to be tied down te keep then he tanks enon floating avay. ‘this sent . means they 1 be used at its 1 Daddy that reco Seilities also warrant nt to get up a ches: ‘aS promptly to1g to g0 to 5 wk You might + reational ON MARS | Derr Nom And VAd, ais Wilt Be SHoRt BecAwse| i am ReeLly Busted that | SARJENT who dont Like ME | Has Me ON KP ALA day. i | Been! PECLING WGNFLXES. ther’ b A Lot Like PotAtAS ONIX You | Peet tHem with A BLOW TORCH |: you Asked ABout tHe NAME |p)? oF tHE SARQENT WHO dont Like Me. His NAME iS SFRABKZY | ARIEL BERMBLS WHiTeY, iF YoU THINK CALL\Ng MX] dRAet BORd WourD get Pp HIM CORT MARSHELLEd, go f AHEAD. He dont Like MER ; ¢ ies itt pest gel it wonderful (hein dh wailed beh & a é fi g Schedman will Hed bata afen Ho DON MARTIN DEPT. PART | THE GRAND NATIONAL 30 LB. CANNON BALL-THROWING CONTEST A KICK IN THE CANNES DEPT. In recent years, art films have become very popular in this country. What is an art film? Some people say it’s any film that with life realistically. Others say it’s any low-budget film that is presented intelligently and honestly. In other words, an art film is any film that is not made in Hollywood! In fact, some idiots think that the further away from Hollywood a film is made, the artier it is. They are the ones who consider all foreign films as art films, no matter how moronic or unartistic they may be. So it’s time we set the record su by presenting rt ae ART FMS i unt'iee HOW TO RECOGNIZE AN ART FILM cconcewoovenoce = “7 es atta ; it WM mals are dircy, Mose are films are diety In face, the dirtier a film is, che more artier it is i Mos scene from a typical arc fil dirty. The people are dirty Em | / Are films deal frankly with sex. Therefore this scene is obvious There's only of y could ve made this scene artier. By using a smaller towel! fan art film, Connie Stevens is in ix 13 One method of presenting foreign films in American movie h the use of English translations of theaters is thro REMMI fe It's crackers to slip 2 rozzer the éropsy in snide! mn aan Canaan English sub-tides are very important in helping you grasp the meaning of a foreign film, especially if you can't understand the language of the couneey where the picrure was made. Like when you're watching a British foreiga film and all the characeets talk Cockney— for the King's English for that matter! Dubbed English voices are more popular than sub-titles among art film fans—mainly because most of them can’t Bardot's ish voice. Her name is Sadie Fingerhut. She is a Bronx, N. Y. housewife, Biz and mother of four children. is Brigitte ki Here's Marcello. Mastroianni's English-speaking voice. He's Gunther Hogan, Berwes jobs, he's a ste captain in an LA. cafeteria, SUB-TITLES Tuo fig, illustra scarpe One disadvantage of sub-ctles is char you must be able to see the entire bor: tom of rhe screen ar all times, Anyone sitting directly behind this woman will never know that her hat blocked out the important words "Dertnrrety Nor” and will spend the rest of the movie hating poor, innocent Iralian shoe-shine boy, DUBBING English-speaking ‘Show ble Monitor SYMBOLISM THE ART FIL Arc films are noted for their symbolis To demonstrate this, we asked an expert on art films to explain the symbolism in this scene. He told us thar the clock wich no hands stands for eternity, the octopus symbolizes mankind's greed, and the rainstorm of cauliflowers all around stands for love, hate, jealousy, fear of fightning and medical care for the aged! Then we asked the actual author of this are film co explain the symbolism of the sume scene. He told us that the clock with no hands stands for a clock with no hhands, the octopus symbolizes an octopus, and the rainstorm of cauliflowers stands for—yep!—a rainstorm of cauliflowerst the foreign language dialogue. These are flashed at the bottom of the screen, and are called English sub-titles Another disadvantage of sub-titles is that they're often next 0 impossible to read when they are flashed on the screen during an outdoor scene with a glaring sun, like the one above. This scene, incidentally, is from a foreign film voced "Best Movie of the Year" by The Society of American Opeometrsts, read, However, the people whose voices we hear are not always as romantic as the foreign actors they speak for. This girl is Sophia Loren’s woice. She Pa. is Selma Kateull. She is’ the dth Floor "Stairway at Dweck Je. High, St. Louis. He supplies the voices for Steve Reeves and scores of other foreign film stars who can't speak any English ART FILM FESTIVAL AWARDS Several times each year, distin and stars of art films gathe to exhibit and bestow awards on deserving films. At least that's what they say they gather for. From the articles, by focusing on a group of aristocrats sitting around a room in a decaying castle doing absolutely nothing. So effcetive is the dieection that the entire cast, with 00 script to learn and nothing to do, died of boredom in the first reel, and the audience never knows the difference BEST FRENCH FILM: ‘Last Year At Marion’s Pad” " This is the story of an Ambassador who meets a Countess whom he thinks he met once before, bur he isn’t sure. The Countess knows she never met the Ambassador before, but she thinks that a wine merchant she meets is met once before, but she isn't sure, The someone she 1e merchant knows he never met the Countess before, but thinks he met himself once before, but he isn’t sure. He also isn’t sure he's a wine merchant. This brillianc film was directed by either René Clair or Harpo Marx—the producer isn't sure! ished critics, producers award-winning films of “The 1963 Can-C we've read about these festivals {in “Playboy” and other to "The Arts"), a lot more is exhibited deserving films. Anyway, here are the 4 Film Festival BEST JAPANESE FILM: “Rosh-Hoshona, Myer Moore” ep t (a This typicilly original Japanese export portrays Scarlett Sayonara, a lovely but spoiled girl from South Yokohama, who sees her Japanese plantation and way of life desu ced by civil war, So she marries Rhett Banzai, a handsome Samurai Sword-runner, who eventually leaves her. Then the plot starts to fall apart. In fact, since this movie was made in Japan, the prints are starting co fall apare and distribution to are hearers overseas is highly doubrful BEST AMERICAN FILM: “Pluck My Chicken” 5 ) EC: This superb expecimencal was shot in. its entirety in Jack Kerouac’s basement closer, with a roll of Kodak film thac had lain in the sun for 14 straight hours. It is presented on the screen in Living Black, starring John Cassavetes as the Chicken-Plucker, Allen Ginsburg a5 the Chicken, Long John Nebel as The Feathers, and incroducing, playing Carmen Miranda. *® Lenay Bruce in his firse movie Since the country is rapidly becoming art film-conscious, enterprising theater-owners will want to cash in on this trend, mainly because they're probably starving with the receipts from Hollywood movies, Here are same steps for CHANGING A REGULAR THEATER INTO AN ART THEATER ll, show nothing bur foreign films! Most people think that all foreign films are art films, ough many foreign movies are as ridiculous as the Hollywood kind, Here is a scene from the British comedy, ‘Carry On, Idiots” Your customers will rave about it— although it’s less intellectual than “The Three Stooges’! 7 People expect culture in the lobbies of arc film theater lobbies, so hang up as many "way out” abstract paintings as you can get. It’s also a common practice to sell these paincings to interested customers, so here's your chance fo make some side money. If you sell chem, don't worry about losing your wall decorations. Your kids can always paint a fresh new batch for you in their nursery school Next, double your price of admission! Most people expect an arc film, You rel be aloe less to hire, and less a higher admi Tes always impressive to serve free demi-tasse coffee in your lounge. This gives your art th look of class (It also gives your art theater a problem: Mainly, those idiots who prefer coffeeclacching to seeing the picture.) [wat tautous cote its ‘ruetotifl makes me laugh andi makes een It there's one thing | can't stand, i's coming into the theater in the ‘middle of te coffee! Movie-goers react in different ways to art film subjects. kinds of movie-goers, each of whom represent a different To prove this point we have interviewed three different category of art film fans. Here are our questions, and. THE REACTIONS OF DIFFERENT TYPES OF MOVIE-COERS TO THE ART FILM THE Highbrow Art Film QUESTION Fan's Answer WHAT Do YOU THINK OF INGMAR BERGMAN? He's the greatest Swedish director since Sven Oge- who directed “Seven Sealed Rocks” back in 987,589 B.C.) WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION TO WILD. STRAWBERRIES"? | was deeply moved by the old man’s loneliness and his ultimate Giscovery of the true ‘meaning of life! HOW CAN AMERICANS CATCH UP WITH SUCH ADVANCED ITALIAN TECHNICIANS AS DE SICA, FELLINI AND ROSSELLINI? WHAT 1S THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE FACT THAT BRIGITTE BARDOT ALWAYS WEARS A TOWEL? Put out more meaningful and artistically honest ‘mation pictures! Pure exhibitionism plus a sense of insecurity in her intellectual attributes. Asign of immaturity ‘common among child-woman sexsymbols! WHO ARE YOUR FAVORITE “ART” ACTORS OF ALL TIME? aim, Emil Jannings, ‘and the late great Icelandic film star, Flinkk Ostermemniak! ‘he Friends of Sergei M. Eisenstein, The Kerouac Revolutionaries, and The Blurred Exposure Pioneers. ‘These societies show the best in offbeat experimental movie WHAT FILM. SOCIETIES Do You BELONG TO? Lowbrow Art Film Fan's Answer | don't dig what he's trying to say! Anita Ekbergnow there's 2 Swede | understand! Well, | didn't exactly dig What the old man was trying to say! Anita Ekberg—now there's 2 Swede | understand! Make more American art films... like “The Chapman Report”! ‘don't exactly know, and I really don't care... . as long as ‘she Keeps doing it! Anita Ekberg, and that sea monster on the beach in “La Dolce Vita"! once belonged to Cinema 16, but | quit when I found ‘out they didn't sell popearn! MAD Reader Art im Fan's Answer Ingmar Bergman? She was great in “The Bells of St. Mary's! Wild Strawberries? Every time | eat them, | get lke 2 rash all over my face! Get somebody who knows his stuff to catch 'em—somebody like Eliot Nesst! She takes a lotof showers, and she's a sloppy dryer! Art Treacher, Art Linkietter and Art Carney! 1'm the Recording Secretary for the Frank MeHug HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN ART FILM Nowadays, practically anyone can make his own low-cost art film. In fact, even you can make one—in your very Firse of all, as we mentioned, most art films tke place in dirty settings, like the above . . . which is a picture ‘of how your house usually looks. So just mess it up a bit! Te is very important for a large parc of your art film co look like this on the screen, This is very artistic. One good way to achieve this effect is to pur the film into your camera backwards. If you forget yourself and put the film in correctly, don’t use floodlights for the indoor shots. Ie will give you roughly the same artistic effect Off-beat shots are considered artistic, Ankle shots are always impressive. Also close-ups of drain pipes, warts, and gas meters. IF you're particularly creative, you can ae % shooting the inside of a loaded garbage pail. Bicher looking down into it, or looking up out of it. And for really honest shot, you can leave your cemera in the pail own home. All you need is a cheap 8mm, camera, a roll of film, a tape recorder, and cooperation from your family. } \ —— Next, dress the members of your family in foreign attire Don't write 2 script. Just encourage your mother, father, brother and sister to fun around the house screaming and hitring each other. In other words, allow them to behave nnorenally. Critics will automatically call you a genius! Life is like a purple antelope on afield of, tuna fish! Let us go out into the moonlight and kick a one-legged jackal! Show me a well baked fig newton, ‘and Iwill While you should never use a script, ic i always a good idea to give your cast some symbolic Lines to speak from time to time. You can pick up dialogue like this in any Greenwich Village coffee house, or in any mental hospital Bi J oe YN? Y Ie is considered very sophisticared co end your art film suddenly and unexpectedly—preferably with your actors in the middle of some weird, unexplainable sicuation, (Note The above is not a particularly good ending. Most of the people who acrend art films regularly will understand it!) JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART | Antonio Prohias, who was forced to flee Cuba because he refused to become a “Castro Convertible”, brings us another MAD installment of that friendly rivalry between the man in black and the man in white—better known as... ADD VERSE AND CONSENT DEPT. here’s one area that the “New Frontier” hasn’t attempted to change, mainly all those dull notices we get whenever the Government has something to tell us. In other words, if Federal, State and Local Governments are supposed to be friendly, then why not make their letters friendly? Just think how much more appealing all those stuffy notices and announcements would be if they were pepped up into these Thinking At2.2:84.we'll come for you ‘And maybe break your...242...1n 1Wo, And if you still won't come across, We've other ways to show who's boss, Like giving you the third degree, Orseizing all your property; To save your skin, there's ust one way— Return our. tleslier.22028". today’ | PUBLIC LIBRARY ALAPI We're happy to be telling you Some new facts have arisen, Which means that you won't have to do Your last...4ve..20n GVERAM Vfou're Getting Dut! A Instead of keeping you confined And having to support you— Wel set you fee, because we find It’s cheaper to deport you! in prison; U.S. JUSTICE DEPT. PY Dioiet a ee “in sunny Miomesota, Mt. Rushmore in the hills Of nearby South Dakot: In other words, you'd better AUS, vacation; Because we've just refused, old man, Your passport application! U.S. STATE DEPT. PERE SF gees. | GREETING CARTS ARTIST: JACK RICKARD Thanks Loads! ‘Yes, thank you for your tax return Itreally was a joy to learn jou'te convinced there's so much money due you: ly wish that we could send “that you could cash and spend: fhateod we Sond this merry erecting to you: Q2...you will report Ber ‘Sudge. in. ‘Court; # you'll be the sole defendant; ‘Me prince rm het youll draw Will show you its against the law Toclaim.2 ‘asa dependent! BUREAU OF INTERNAL REVENUE JoMy Favorite Nephew Because you're such a splendid lad, i id To hear that you are getting, boy, A two-year, all-expenses-paid vacation! Lknowit’s one that you'll adore; It beats a trip to Singapore, ‘To London, Paris, Cairo or Miami; swe'll moet % that youown 3 We've learned the. Was clocked atin 22..Per; And now our pleasure must be shown; In this we all concur; We're pleased to say we've found away To crown your feat so splendid; Please be advised as of today Your license is suspended! ‘STATE MOTOR VEHICLE DEPT. Surprise! SSS ior Unde Gamma buildnig Sou We've patented therallway ren, We've patented mast everyting Aint. highway, nice and new; The telephone, the monoplane, From paper clips and balls of string ind the road is quite nearby ‘The steamboat and the To radar screens that keep SA at nage Pee eS nuclear reactor; ‘our land protected, Caer hoc inet nines, We've patented the motorcar, But ow, alas, we're mast distressed ‘You'd better move, and plenty fast, The phonograph, the Mason jar, To have to turn down your request; "Cause in...i2..0ah...we start to blast! The bobby pin, the doorbell, ‘Your claim to patent... and the tractor; is rejected! FEDERAL HIGHWAY COMMISSION U.S, PATENT OFFICE O ; 3 OY Snutation Por ou ps = On. lease come on down ‘These highlights of our city; U.S. CONGRESS CHOW MAINLY DEPT. You marvelled at the ingenious business methods employed by “MAD's Movie Theater Owner of the Year.” You cheered for the merchandising tricks used by “MAD's Discount Genter Owner of the Year.” Now, get nauseous over MAN'S CHINESE RESTAURANT OWNER OF THE YTAR ARTIST: JOE ORLANDO WarrlR: LARRY stEceL, How do you do? You must beMe. Oh 30! Gleetings! You tom MADE You Chiang halcash, the owner of your heartwarming stones on Dentists, Teenagers and Winter! this Chinese Restaurant Ive | iorho! You want heartwarming ange on Chinese ‘testa been sent Here by MAD Magazine nts from me? | give it to yOu. chop-chop! - i. | Z OSTENTATIOUS : No, Mr Cash, Tam Walter Crankease, Poulont ten you Th ‘ot David Berg! Anal have something Forty-nine years next Thursday! Fire inspectore can never ite liferent in mint : ; x get through to bother me! yeu with the phony accent it! Trving this pile of junk as ff That's because there are Use tin the restauran Gecorations ever get you ff always so many Health Dept First ofall, 'd ike tocompliment J) because the public cigs it For into trouble wth the fire] Inapectors ned Up to. you on the way you picked up English! some reason, it helps business! Department Inspectors? How tong have you been i this county? Cimon it Don't your guests resent al these pictures of But these aren’t pictures of Chinal These these post cards with cl 12 on the walls? Afterall, ou know the are pictures of For 1ese Mainland! Chinese Restaurant owners play up Formosa, ‘them? They sell lke wo can get away with anything! wildfire! They're ten ve always been intrigued by the to save money! But they'll never | choice of two from Column A, three from Columa menus in Chinese} it They'll get so confused trying to de-code | ‘one from Column C! Oh-oh! it says there's a three-hour restaurants! [ithe double-telk about choices and extras that they}, wait for Column and there's only one eholee: Pizza! Let’s watch these [fl will have to order the expensive individual dishes! I guess they send out for it! people order! We plan it that way! Italso says | Under "Family Dinner For they don’t serve Fiveto Column &\on week Hi ‘Family Dinner For! it says "Don't be a wise imily| "Dinner For Seven’ if '3 a $2.50 extra plate! ‘days, and weekends!) Five" it says "See Family Dinner guy! There’ Winat’s today? |For Fiveto:be Split Six. Way! 0 38 — BF RR BH Prinstance, how about or rmosal As long as we sexy Formosan girls on times more profitable than those ridiculous lichee nuts we used to peddle in the old days! How about a “Family Dinner For 62" Let's see—we get a ‘Split'Six Ways" ‘cannot order a ‘Family HANGS RNR Ro ASR ONS Forget the “Family Dinners!” Fllorder individually forall of lus, and we can trade back and] forth! Waiter! 2 Lung Sung Foos, 3 Fao Man Choos and ‘You were right, Mr. Cash! said they would! Tell me, ‘asked for? * ‘Chicken Chow Mein! 5 jaturally, Walter! If we let eure Mca ene hostie | [seereeeneerp nat ta! ee ‘one form or ancther! Gash! He's pick: "These idiots can't ing up the dishes. tell the differencel before the guests Mies cigarette butts in the food! ‘Then how can we re-use the leftovers in new orders? Wik Aree Le 3 ti ee ‘Actually, takes only a minute or soto You're in luck, Mr. Cash! Whenever a Chinese family eats in a Chinese Restaurant, it con vinces the American customers that the food is frstrate! How did you manage to lure that Chinese family in? prepare an out-going order—but we make] ‘everybody wait atleast two hours! They're ‘0 happy when it finally arrives that they don’t mind paying triple our dining oom prices! ‘There was no problem with that family Its ‘mine! | have them eat all their meals here! In fact, we ive right here in the rear of the restaurant! Later tonight, that table they're at opens into a large bed! C'mon! Il shew you my very profitable ke-Out-Order Department!” ‘Why not? Don't forget, they're getting something extra-special with their food... valu cardboard containers! Me SS tor ease NUM Now, tir Crankcase, Pari : LOTUS! WAKE UPt HOW MANY TIMES MUST ITELL YOU | No GoING To BED UNTIL THE RESTAURANT CLOSES! NOW (GET THE KIDS UP, TURN THE BED GACK INTO ATABLE, totake you outside, and That is an unusual request, Walter! ‘And | must say, you've got couragel ''6 ike to make an unusual request ‘ery welt Just list your next of liza that no Td lke to compliment MMNono, Mr. Crankcasel This] you on the cleanliness fis not garbage going out! 2) “now, Mr. Cash | Si your beck aly, int \\| native American has ever set foot [cash I'm amazed at how 7) in'a Chinese Restaurant "Kitchen’” kin and sign this form releasing me before! You know-—to see how the personally from any liability for chef prepares the meals, and what damages you may sulfer—tike to your stomach or any of your senses neat You keep your they really put into the dishes! 2) DELIVERY SAENTRAWCE [Before Tieave, Mr. Cash, ‘Not really! We get all our fixtures, decc eae W ac Castart tren eB [acces tote onc Gg!) exenare sna acters che tes se iver air Dopo Tew alts ine | Sites inten fctiee nc es Samrat gets MMMM upzuar Stan tess | mops rater Berea a See WD's CaS bo” [ Say scnenetn Araneae so ; Lis Cece ts neh aneeree nen ere ane | : SeSAVONRRAT OE”