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OUT OF aS ISSUE OF October '63 No. 82 ni PP cant Gs pte < o> It should look blurred to Tiana all over the country. ay me ve Soe ae strain your to Kethate why We're also ads with blurred pictures—so you'll strain your eyes on them, too! NUMBER 82 OCTOBER 1963 Some minds are ike concrete... all mixed wp and permanently set Alfred E Neuman WILIANEAL GAINES publisher ALBERT x, FELDstExN editor JOUN PUTNAM art director LEONARD kERWEX production JEWRY DE FUER, NICK MECLIN astciate editors MARTIN J. SEHLIMAN Lemuults RICHLAND MERNSTEIN publicity Lona ORLANDO, CELIA MOREL, NHLSON TARAO subscriptions the usual gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS AUTO-SUGGESTION DEPARTMENT Wheelers And Dealers ceca? BERG'S-EVE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of Parents (Of Little Kids) 24 DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT The Masterpiece 15 ‘On A Saturday Aftornoon ..... 30 FUNNIES ARE PEOPLE DEPARTMENT Comictand Magazine ..... 7 HITCHCOCK-A-DOODLE-DOO DEPARTMENT For The Birds peiras5.88 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs. Spy Biotin cede tovesd 2S Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Spy 42 LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail... tire st MAKING A BIG SPLASH DEPARTMENT ‘Swimming Pools—A New Status Symbol .........20..6200-.31 MARQUEE DE SAD DEPARTMENT Long And Pretentious Titles For TV Dramas 28 MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Drawn-Out Dramas a MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS DEPARTMENT New Opportunities For Recent Grads . 39 PATENT PLANNING DEPARTMENT MAD's Report On Progress ..... = sins. POSTAL INTROSPECTION DEPARTMENT Psychiatry By Mail ..... 34 THE BLURBS IS COMING DEPARTMENT Future Talking Ads 4 WARD HEALERS DEPARTMENT The Nurtzes aot **Various Places Around The Magazine VITAL FEATURES TALKING ADS. There was a time when a product really spoke for itself. Today, it spouts lever words’ in “Talkin ‘Ads""~and “talk ie cheap. ‘THE NURTZES | 7 a lisnedoveleentet ae GY show dovctod to the 7G Glatt side of medicine Oy We hw alo Stat « Tila "mom eal. REPORT ON PROGRESS ..... 2 MADexamines the develop- ment of several items and — decides that “Progress” does not always rosult in that “Important Product"! COMICLAND MAGAZINE ... oa ‘There are magazines about 7A (CM the personal lives of the ~<5+ movie stars. Why not one about “Comic Strip Stars"— who are much more human! PARENTS (OF LITTLE KIDS) rd = Dave Berg took an honest Ay}... look sh bimsalt as a 2°) ent, rote this. iatowe C2) faces and then made fs £7” Kad tan away rom home, ‘SWIMMING POOLS: a Today, fo own a swimming a 2 pool, you have to “float 4 a loan.” Then, when your Telit, poet yer loat alone” again, NEW OPPORTUNITIES FOR GRADS ....39 2°}; Looking for money-making Zewi ideas? Consider the MAD aE business ideas suggested in this article, Thon go F out and get an honest job. 3 macabro, introduces a new 3) (eect or pee FR, Semel can Mba colin Testers snot LETTERS DEPT. THANKS—NO THANKS ‘A magazine such at yours is a via pare of our free society. The satirist of ur country (you are the best at this) point out ie faults, That great seatesman, Benjamin Franklin, did something simi lar under a pen name~Gabby Doesbed. He made jest of the evils of old Boston and helped co bring about changes there Thomas Nast, a eartoonist, helped co smath New York's infamous Tweed Ring in the late 1800's. But you, MAD, do more than this. You not only mock’ our political shortcomings, bur our social ones 4s well. Certainly, you cannot sudde change out social habits, but you ean st Tease point out its many faults, And in doing that, you deserve our thaaks. ‘Nathan Karz Camden, N.J. ‘You may think chat writing such rub- bish in a magazine is Funny, but to me its revolting Kidding can go s0 far, and thea it gets sickening. I have read your lunceasored (ie seems) magazine a num ber of times, and I can say ie is without a ddoube the worst trash T have ever read. I ama looking forwaed to when your maga ines are taken out of the country and never sold here again! Steven Bruskin Bethesde, Ma EMPTY PRAISE 1 just read your latest sue of MAD. Jy. Evesything “wat tremendous, except the DS snterat becween the frst and lest covers Bill Duty Kelleron, lows MAD FOLLOWER [loved your latest issue so much cat 1 foolishly showed st to my mother. When she threatened to throw it ut, warned her that “where ic goes I go! Ne Stanley Freedman Gy Dump = Boston, Mass You CANT WIN Generally, you tura our a wholesome, satirical magazine Issue No, 80 (July) was not. Your last article, “The Tench Hour” was a definite slap in the face of all patriotic Americans ‘bo still uphold the glorious image of that great. Vice President and citizen, Richard Nixon. From now on, keep your based prejudices toyourself Bobby Shapiro Baleimore, Ma. I read your MAD Magazine because it offers many good laughs. You have 2 lunique way of expressing the thoughts of the people end the passions of the times “on most subjects, Now, 1 ask you this Lay off che White Housel JFK is doing 2 damon good job! Let him be! Set. G.M. Bravo ‘APO-283, New York, N. Y. OVERSEAS AUDITION Your mind-rotting crash is having is effect even over here in. this forgoteen land. Mainly, the Junior Class at Yamoro High School sponsored a talene show for siudents. We entered. as “The Brothers MAD," singing "The Birch Hyma of the Republic” from your "Sing Along With MAD Song Book,’ and won! “The Brothers MAD" Tony Balentine Jim Balentine DeLutioa ‘Charles Moy ‘Tachikawa, Jopan ‘BEST SELLER” COMMENT How a Best-Seller is Born was just delicious ia is rap at those (asults to Pu ‘man intelligence, the photo-capcioa books capecially "Who's in Charge Here?” ‘which is beneath contempt. Gerry Gardner Oradell,N.J. Thavs pretty funny-coming from the ou thor of "Who's In Charge Here?” Ed. MISERY IS A COLD HOT DOG Having just devoured your July isave (No. 80), 1 muse pause to shout "Bravo! As usual, this issue broughe much enjoy mene with its clever handling of currene topics. The "Misery” material is especially ‘outstanding, perbaps even to the point of providing 2 most worthy companion to Guarlie Schulz’ original opus. T found tht fe stirred up the same poignanc rex fties, and proved that most any childhood ig 2 combination of both the bitter and the sweet. Donald Clawson Cincinnati, Ohio About two weeks ago, I read for the fist time "Happiness is Warm Puppy. Thank you for your satirical follow-up. Miscy is Cold Hoe Dog! was jst Jennifer Jager New Hop Your "Misery is a Cold Hoe Dog was magnificent, You have captured the trae Spitit of Childhood far beter chan the CChaces Schulz “Happiness” book: Marton and Norma David San Francisco, Calif How abour a deserving sequel to your ‘gorgeous "Misery" called "Misery 1s a Gold Hoe Dog And « Warm Coke”...? ‘Then you could include: "Misery is when your pizno teacher changes your le from ‘Thursday night to Saturday after- Ginny Gan New York, N.Y, Misery is a Cold Hot Dog was wor. dderfol and nostalgi, bue you lefe our one important "Misery," mainly: "Misery is 8 Gite Subsceipeion to MAD! Tom Rasley Spokane, Wash. How about "Misery is tedlng oll the laters that came in like the obove”?—Ed, Happiness is 4 Takeoff of "Happiness in MAD Magazine, Te was gceat! Misery is no Takeoff in MAD Magazine ‘Charles Schulz Sebastopol, Calif HERE WE GO WITH THE SAME OLD JAZZ ABOUT FACE Al the kids at Jamaica High School love MAD. There is one request we would like to make. In issue 80 ( Jely), on the back cover, you have an ad for "Lady ‘Clinic Plastic Surgeons." Ia the cop 3 pictures, there is a back view of a real Biel Could you please let us sce her face? Monte Abramson Jamaica, N.Y. Here she i. Her nome is Kathy Combes Incidentally, i you're interested, the ugly front view belongs to MAD waiter Frank Jacobs Ed DRAWN-OUT DRAMAS: Thanks for putting the small pictures where the small print used to be. Now, wwe MAD fans who can’t read small print Can understand the marginals, Robere Lasus Providence, R. 1 Yeah, but what about all the MAD fans who con't read small pichuros?—Ed (MAD CHARACTER REFERENCE I thoughe you might be interested in knowing the impression your magazine sakes on the kids who read it, My six year old son called us in to see "the man from MAD Magazine on TV!" So. we rushed into have a look, It was Presiden Kennedy! A Jodoia Golden Ridge, Sask WAITING FOR THE PITCH Jam writing co inform you that I have had imy subscription to MAD Magazine for over four months now, and you have not as yet warned, threatened, coaxed or ltherwise tried to secure a renewal ofthis subscription; nor have you plied me with dozens of "special ofers.” My sincere grat jade and congratulations ‘Jo Munck Costa Mesa, Calif NO BASEBALL FAN, HE With all sincerity, your article in the Jaly issue, No. 80, called “The Baseball Primer” was excellent. Its good to see thae there are some people who realize that our society is degenerating to a point where bascball, one of the dullese things fever, is called our "national pastime Keep up the good work Marty Roscaberg Far Rockaway, N. ¥, NO P.S. 199 IN BROOKLYN? ‘You guys ate stark raving MAD. Any Idior knows that PS, 193 is not in Brook Iya. Ir’ in Whitestone, Queens. ‘Schimall Keesler AFB, Miss, Hf its not in Brooklyn, then, your Eeltor, who weet there, sure had @ heckuva long walk overy doyiEd. Please address all correspondence to ‘MAD, Dept. 82, 850 Third Avenue New York City 22, New York WE'D LIKE TO NEEDLE YOU INTO BUYING ‘Cause we know you'll get stuck on that ol’ black-and-white magic of MAD's humor, satire and garbage! MAD POCKET DEPARTMENT 850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N.Y. (Co PLEASE SEND ME [-) | ENCLOSE “THE VOODOO MAD" 0c ALSO PLEASE SEND ME: (The MAD Reader Ci Like MAD. EIMADStrikes Back 5) The [des of MAD CD inside MAD G Fignting MAD 15 Utterly MAD 1B The MAD Frontier [The Brothers MAD [i MAD In Orbit ENCLOSE 35¢ FOR EACH ALSO PLEASE SEND ME: MAINLY... SUBSCRIBE MAD ‘and get a-vwin and.a two ands t'ree “anda four anda five and-a six fand-a seven and-a eight anda ninet Nine issues for the price of eight, by. maill (Hey, who let that square accordion player In on this session?) MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS 850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N.Y. | give up All these subscription pitches Gileple! | Enciose Pease ever my tame on your spit and aend te next nine isades of MAD Dy'ri Now wil Somebody tum af that bubble machise™? feu. $25, Pee ey 8 ven he tet eaa a NAME, ADDRESS, cry. ZONE__STATE__ {2.he Bedside MAD [Don Martin Steps Out El TheSon of MAD) Don Martin Bounces Back TD The Orgenteation MAD 1 ENCLOSE 50¢ FOR EACH NAME. ‘ADDRESS. cry. ZONE. STATE. ‘heck or money order oty_NO CASH acepted (On orders outside U.S.A. a 10% otra BIG BONUS OFFER fause he's ying to eet of all them 3 Td Ava Hew York Ci 288, ‘THE BLURBS IS COMING DEPT. Okay, shirt! We've been casy on you $0 farl Now come clean! Le’me work him over! Pil get it out of himt Recognize the advertisement on the left? It's the original “Talking Ad —run by Wolfschmidt Vodka last year. Ever since we saw it, we've been worried sick about it. Mainly because, knowing how creative and original Madison Avenue is, we were sure that other advertisers would soon be hopping on the bandwagon. After all, if vodka bottles and tomatoes can talk, there's no reason why toothpaste tubes, cigarette packs and washday detergents couldn't do likewise . . . and before long we'd be seeing a whole rash of these .. . You can’t pin anything ‘on me! Oh, yeah! Just wait with you ++. then watch us! FUTURE TALKING ADS RITER: FRANK JACOBS PHOTOS BY LESTER KRAUSS I didn’t You inhuman fiend! mean Now see what you've todo done with your (sob) cutting up! It was an accident, Stee. I tell te ven ¥ baby! will Sure you ever be will, Sont all right Scotch again,Ma? Tape will have you patched You stand You've gorm= Your Homor, this cating canted with aouly 0 ond, ehh sf mscken bets sete Vm identity! can peri juce witnesses for 70 cents! produce wi Margarine! to prove my client Vimbetterin spreads easily and se many ways! is thrifty to Buy! at, Doc! Then alon en Bere es ie Rent ete ig om anas ee etret a ees faney filter guys, and they made me feel like a slob because I didn't Oe Cr meen ea ese enti me because I don’t have mint or menthol! Harrumph! I see no reason for ota are eereera Oem ets sm a Piao eeraret re te like filters or menthol! Just ee Samet Ga anes ae n ear et ete WARD HEALERS DEPT. WHEN ABC ROCKED THE TELEVISION INDUSTRY WITH “BEN CASEY’—A NEW TV MEDICAL SERIES ABOUT AN IDEALISTIC YOUNG DOC- TOR AND HIS ELDER, BUT WISER MENTOR, NBC, IN TYPICAL FOLLOW-THE-LEADER FASHION, RUSHED OUT “DR. KILDARE”— ITS OWN NEW TV MEDICAL SERIES ABOUT AN IDEALISTIC YOUNG DOCTOR AND HIS ELDER, BUT WISER MENTOR. BUT IT TOOK CBS TO PROVE THAT CREATIVITY IN TELEVISION WAS NOT DEAD BY COMING UP WITH AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT AND HIGHLY ORIGINAL TV MEDICAL SERIES—ABOUT AN IDEALISTIC YOUNG NURSE AND HER ELDER, BUT WISER MENTOR. HERE, THEN, IS MAD’S OWN VERSION OF... . THE NURTZES STARRING CHURL WRONGWAY AS “LIZZ THROB", AND ZITA EXHUME AS “GALE LUCKLESS” . Mrs. Throb! Before we start, may | ask you @ question| No, Miss that's been bothering me? Is al this training going to teach me to tucklesst it's |_| Now, it's devote my life to aiding the infirm? Will teach me to strive with going to teach — "ow, ete unceasing energy and dedication to bring comfort to the sick and ‘you to be a conbren relief to the suffering and understanding to the mentally ill? ‘Nurse! ‘Aheart | Mrs. Throb—the service here is i cof gola? | disgracofull I've never been very unfriendly at fist, but Are they | treated so badly! Why this is. inabout 40 minutes, he'll | going to | the worst medical show I've ever ml equall The only way nd change completely and show us been on! And I should know! I've ‘America can gf that he's got 2 heart of gold! ‘made a career out of being on TV medical shows! allofusto.act like fix ‘avielous bigot! | brothers. Ask not what PS | iyo, out atror — | ...andso, t gave Mr. Bagel a transfusion with ‘the biood of the "Boy From A Minority Group”. Mr. Bagel will realize that he owes his life to the "Boy From A Minority Group”, and he will adopt him, and they wil ive happily ever after have a wonde h, how proud Nurse Throb will be of ll her what | have done! They didn't have the ‘Nom, a8 we make rounds, EE and on't mean the tat LL ‘Nurse Luckless, you will I mean the patients! Silly met || Don’t be too hard on T forgot || yourself If you don't tocheck! | allow yourself to make L ‘mistakes—how will you learn? ‘And how are we today, What's || We have an “Ethics! Besides, we're Mr, Perstop? Let's soe developed | | going || Problem’ lett over understaffed! the intern tooka || ingt | asudden | | on out | trom last week's Thave four sample of your biood at || “'8* } “case of Anemia “Defenders”"—should ‘emergency calls Shame on yout Shame || That || End of ‘on all of you; We're || settes || Ethical ‘medical people—and |) it) || Problem! ‘ur job is to heal otto Judge! I'm going to put Nurse {Luekless in charge ofthe patient! Sh ig ‘Never say that! AllTV doctors and nurses smoke! Cigarette companies love to sponsor ‘medical shows because when the viewers see ‘doctors smoking, they forget that cigarettes are armfull One scene with Raymond Massey smoking cancels three Reader's Digest Reports. Haven't you noticed that in two years there hasn't been one single mention of lung cancer ‘eases in any TV medical show hospital”? End Lousy bum ] Nurse Luckioss, did you take of takes the the tomperature in there? Patient! easy way | out | didn’t mean the temperature cof the room. | meant the patient Well, make a note ofthat! Now; let's relax and have a smokel No, thanks! |” dont smokel ut room Mrs. Throb! Looket | Thisis oneof themost rewarding parts ot | 788)5 J On, he's too your call} arnurse' job. When a patient desperately tie! weak to press board! ff needs your help, he pushos his nurse button, Dis barton, 3 soo Dat ligne up oom number on is he count a board. By ignoring them ail, I've got lights anes ina perfect diagonal. and that means Tye got "BINGO" | Wint Tie é 168] 7654 S) 77] Tay ts) Tel TT) é Ter re 787 728| 784| 740/791" 2 TTB, v 300 ely — sce EI aad, sri. NNN Gee, Mrs. Throb ‘Nursing is so full of challenges! Tell ime, what made you 11 never forget th Many years ago, | was forced to see suitering atfirst hand! | watched become a nurse? yaa } | sete | \ And you couldn't stand seving them || No—t enjoyed suffer? seeing them (rr | sutter! so here | amt S/ ‘Oh—everybody kept ‘telling me | looked like Richard Chamber ‘AS a scrub nurse, you will assist the doctor. When he asks for an instrument, you ‘must slap it firmly in his hand. This is done for two teasons: First, $0 he can Ne get a good grasp on it; and before ove is why his wife |) | “Second, it makes » very left him inthe first place! naa } By the "i woy— wine's operating today? || suspense and tension ; ‘connected with this V| operation. There seems : ‘to be some doubt it | will be successfull places duty before love, his wife goes back to him! But not so soon! Taweceens Mi ceetmee [] patient on his feet stitching him up! [4 ere Here is our "Extra Special \ Good morning, Miss Kelly Special Guest Star", Miss Dina Peril! Her problem is that she has money—and you know that anyone with money ‘on a show lke this 's [rinove mss Laces among Hu) sui AL Ta ose | | | By the way, Nurse f= How back to health, imenuhess Noha wrong with hime || “Yoog® || eet i 7} poisoning! bess buteven they don’t |] Mr. Navel! all alone in the world with no one ‘to look after him. He feels that he's useless, and there is no reason to live. We must give him | '2 reason to live, but up to now, ‘couldn't think of one! Well, Doctor! || More than enough! This person Js obviously completely out of Contact with realty. She has ntasy world, believes in it! Who! of the kind of nurse she describes! Now just stop feeling sory for yourself youwant to fel sory for someone, fel sory for Have you Good! But hurry, Doctor! There isn'ta moment to. lose! We need her back to show the “one minute of exciting scenes from Next Week's show!” --asyoungGale & |Luckless returns from her shock treatments to realty. ‘Shock treatment Should bring her back to her sensest ‘Do you think you're the only patient on this floor? I've got only two hands! ‘What could be more Important than my Ki? ve been, ringing for 20 minutes! PATENT PANNING DEPT. Because progress brings change, and changes are always supposed to be for the better, Man sometimes forgets to look back to see exactly how far he has progressed, and from where. Which is exactly what this article is all about. And so here we go with. . . MAD'S REPORT Here is a typical old-fashioned wood pencil. Te wasn't very ‘versatile, and could only be depended on to write and erase. Man pur his ingenious mind co work in an effore to improve lead.” Unlike its predecessor, this versatile “liquid lead” the pencil, and today we have the miracle known as “liquid pencil not only writes, ic skips, leaks, jams and runs dry, / Modern electric clock-radio is sleek and crim, No ticking bothers sleeper. When it’s time ro ger up, gentle soothing id alarm clock was ugly, had to be wound, ticked loudly, music plays. Sleeper wales up rested, mainly because chat rang hatthly. Blasted awake, sleeper did noc feel rested. soothing music pus him back to sleep for an extra 7 hours. Modern viny transistor portable radio slips into a shirt pocket easily. Also slips out easily, especially when you bend over. Bur printed circuits are a breeze co repair. You 12 Old portable radios were heavy and bulky, could only boast. merely replace whole insides. This costs more than a brand of fine cone and rugged, complicated and-wired circuits. new radio, One-inch hi-fi speaker has unusual cone. Tinay. E ir conditioner actually “cools” hot ais, chen Hleciic fan of yesterday, even hough electrified, could Tn addition, ie also debumidifies and even only circulate “hor” ait, nd gave no relief 0 bay fever. filers the air. Ie stops hay fever ... . starts pneumonia Metropolitan — | Gas and Glectc Company | n Gas and Electric Company Metropolita Main and Finster Streets ACCOUNT NO: 289-56-755 XP 11 BILLING PERIOD: June 1 to July 1 [ conan eshte Ni | cas ff $2.15 t ELECTRICITY 8.35 aa TOTAL DUE: $11,000.50 @ TEARS Spo NOT FOLD, STAPLE OR BEND, RETURN WITH PAYME Modern billing machines electronically calculate and print In days gone by, monthly bills and statements were Figured monthly statements. Peity ecrors have been eliminated. Now mentally and written by hand. Petey errors were often made. major errors are made—usually runnning into the thousands. Modern highspeed electric typewriter is the answet to any Old fashioned manually-operated typewriter was awkward in typise’s dream. Now, even a novice can use it t0 type 80, uuseheld down speed of even che mose experienced typists. 90, even 100 etfors and strikeovers a WOENMKK minute ‘Modern camera offers many advantages. Amateur photo bugs Old style box camera offered few advantages such as focus, can now ruin pictures with over 400 wrong settings, and shutter speed and lens sevtings. Ie merely ook pictures professionals can discover many additional wrong settings. Modlern-day printing press turns our thousinds of pages pet Od fashioned printing press could only reproduce one page __—_second, Printing methods have progressed « long way—but at time. Many’ famous Works were printed on such presses. swe seem to be moving ever backward in the shings we print, DON MARTIN DEPT. PARTI THE MASTERPIECE FUNNIES ARE PEOPLE DEPT. ARTIST: WALLACE WOOD WRITERS: FRANK JACOBS & €. NELSON BRIOWELL THEY MAKE ME WORK | FOR TODAY, THERE ARE FAN MAGAZINES FOR PRACTICALLY EVERYBODY. MOVIE FANS HAVE MAGAZINES LIKE “MODERN SCREEN,” TV FANS HAVE MAGAZINES LIKE “TV GUIDE,” AND ROCK ‘N’ ROLL FANS HAVE MAGAZINES LIKE “THE ATLANTIC MONTHLY.” BUT ‘THERE'S A GROUP OF FANS THE MAGAZINE INDUSTRY HAS FORGOTTEN — MAINLY THE FANS THAT GO WILD FOR “THE COMICS.” WHY NOT A FAN MAGAZINE FOR THEM, LIKE: BATHLESS GROGGINS ANSWERS 15 INTIMATE PERSONAL QUESTIONS FLOGGING! THE BEST CRIME-STOPPER OF ALL! By Dick Tracy e WHY I CALLED REX MORGAN A QUACK! By Donald Duck PEANUTS! By Charlie Brown e@ 1M ONLY HUMAN! By Bugs Bunny e FALL-OUT! HAIRLESS JOE'S SECRET FEAR! e APES TALK DIRTY! ‘By Tarzan WITH CHRISTIAN DIOR” & é Draenei SPECIAL: FULL-COLOR FOLD-OUT OF DAGWOOD'S NEWEST SANDWICH GLOSSY PIN-UPS 8x10 PHOTOS OF SEND FoR ANY FIVE OF THE FOLLOWING COMIC SWEETIES AND RECEIVE A FREE PIN-UP OF GORGEOUS PRINCE VALIANT! Daisy Mae + Miss Mizzou » Mary Perkins Jones « Honey Dorian « Long Sam Miss Lace « The Dragon Lady » Naney COMICLAND PIN-UPS DEPT. WOW-WEE, HOO-HALH, N.Y, I enclose $1.00. Please send me photos of the 5 comic strip pin-up gals I've circled above~plus my free bonus photo of Prince Val, the sexiest pin-up of all. NAME ADDRESS crry. STATE a eee COMICLAND VOL. 1 .NO.1 AUGUST, 1963 IN THIS ISSUE Articles Miss Peach: Stuffing 4th Graders for Fun and Profit ...... o A ‘Mama Katzenjammer; Hitler is Hiding on our Island wld Daddy Warbucks: My Diamond Shirt Stud is Really a Zircon ol Judge Parker: Why | Laid Down the Law ....... iW ‘Smokey Stover: I'm Carrying a Torch for an Old Flame AD Henry: | Need Long Pants Because | Freeze in Winter 22 Hans and Fritz: Two Strips Are Better Than ORE nn a0 Jiggs: How | made $1,000,000 Getting Belted by my Wife .... 48 Features Buck Rogers: How | Out Orbited Flash Gordon Flash Gordon; How | Out Syndicated Buck Rogers Annie Rooney: Phil Finn is Dirty Old Man... Humphrey Pennyworth I'm Not Really Fat—They Pump Me Up . Mark Trait Exploring Untamed Greenwich Village Editorials Somebody Should Tel Mr. Abernathy About His Bad Breath 14 Can Psychiatry Save Cookie Bumstead? 20 ‘Are We Losing The Little King to the Russians? wo ‘The Phantom is a Woman—True or False? ins 2a Captain Easy's Job Isn't! pean ienete son ean dd Exclusives Dixie Dugan Is Really a Yankee ...... 30 ‘Superman May Be Doing Hertz Commercials. = semi 35 ‘The Night Etta Kett Forgot Her Manners 39 Is The State Department Censoring Steve Canyon? ... ee AZ 18 Color Phots of Sutty Smith's Liver 43 ‘New Romantic Triangle: Lois Lane, Brenda Starr and Pete The Tramp an AD. Fashions Comic Characters To Fight For Seasonal Costumes Donald Duck finally gets to wear more conventional suit, complete with long, pants and custom shoes. Superman models his new ‘Summer Outfit, designed for cool comfort under street clothes. Cloak and | first time, his head, arms and legs will be warm. = Daisy Mae feels, that, as awife and mother, she should now dress more modestly 2 The Inquiring Photographer This month’s Question: What do you want to be when you grow up? (Asked of Comic Strip Children) NANCY: I suppose TH grow up and marry Sluggo, and we'll settle down in another stupid strip, like maybe a. “married couple:situation -comedy-type ALEXANDER BUMSTEAD: Well, 1 tell you what 1 don'e want t0 be. I don't want to have to run for busses, work for a mean-tempered old boss, and lead a hen-pecked life at home. No, 1 think I prefer to rate Chie Young is aging me in the strip, it looks lke 1 will! SMITTY: By the time I have grown up, Tl have bought up enough shares of stock to gain full cantral of Mr. Bailey's com: pany. Then, I'm gonna throw the old coot out on his ear! CHARLIE BROWN: Actually, for all practical purposes, I ‘am grown up! 1 speak like a grown-up, and I have grown-up reactions to the grown-up prob: Jems and grown-up situations reflected in my strip. But to answer your question — I think Vd like to be a_ fireman! DONDI: want to grow up and be a Politician so T can start ‘viewing with alarm’ and kick this “Pollyanna” bit, And I'd better grow up! It's a litle ridiculous for a seven-year-old tostill remember World War Il! LITTLE LULU: The Adver tising Account Executive for Kleenex" has promised that they'll never forget me, once I've grown too old to do their ads, But I'm playing it safe a I've just signed a contract for the facure—with Maidenform Bras. KAYO MULLINS: When 1 ‘grow up there will still be plen ty of good jobs around, so I'm sure I will have no trouble finding work to be out off MARCIA MASON: I expect no important changes in my lite I want to continue to be the most beautiful, intelligent, and important ‘person alive JUNIOR TRACY: I'd lik {quit as @ performer, and chen become a cartoonist for this very strip. I can already draw lots better than Chester Gould. Let’s Get The Commies Out OF The Comics! by Oliver (Daddy) Warbucks HE COMIG STRIP business has been infiltrated by ‘enemies of America! I say thisemphatically, and with conviction—because I hold in my hands the names of 87 card-carrying Communists now working as characters in our beloved newspaper funnies. I have proof that each of these 105 “Reds” is out to destroy the comic strip world. We must rid ourselves of these 156 traitors before it is too late, For only when we eliminate all 213 of them can we return, to the days of good clean decent American entertainment which prevailed in the comic strips before these 297 un American saboteurs crept into our midst! The most obvious Communist agent is “Pete The Tramp,” whose laziness is an obvious cover-up for one of the most cunning brains in the Red Spy network, Task you this: How has Pete The Tramp existed all these years with- hrough secret funds, out putting in one honest day's wor supplied by Moscow, that’s how! (Or take the case of "Henry!" Why doesn’t he speak? Isn't it obvious? He doesn’t dare! The only language he knows is, Russian, and he's too clever to give himself away! ‘And I further contend that Henry is in league with “Ferd'nand,” “‘Looie” and “Mr, Mum'—the other silent members of the Red conspiracy! Let's make them talk, and then clean them out! Ler’s also clean out “Bathless Groggins,” whose filthy habits are obviously masterminded by the Kremlin in order to corrupt our standards of decency! And let's not forget the females in the Red conspiracy. Foremost is “Nancy” who works hand in hand with her Aunt Fritz, Their daily strip is purposefully idiotic and ;nfunny so that it will deaden the minds of loyal Ameri cans and render them more vulnerable to Red propaganda! Equally evil are “Blondie,” “Dottie Dripple” and Jiggs wife, “Maggie.” Their henpecking has destroyed the mascu- linity and the morale of their husbands, and consequently is destroying the masculinity and morale of the entire Amer- § ican male population! Which brings us to the Master Spy—the one comic strip character who controls the entire infiltration apparatus corrupting our business and in turn our nation, I feel it is my patriotic duty to divulge her name here and now, before it is too late, even though for years I haye treated her as my own daughter, Nevertheless, we must wipe out this 43-year old “Mata Hari” who has been posing as “Little Orphan Annie” just as we cold-bloodedly and ruthlessly wipe out (Cont. on page 55) ‘Who's Doing What With Whom Where, When & How Hello from “Comicland”—and here is my first Exclusive! Batman and Judy Wallet are that way! They're waiting for Robin's permission ... The Thimble Theater will convert to Ginerama . . . Pogo and his friends are taking up a col: lection to buy Walt Kelly « ruler. They're sick of his ragged panel outlines after another, Dick Tracy tops his career by taking on the most disgusting character of all—Nancy! teeee Steve Canyon may resign from the Air Force to devote all (of his time to his book criticizing our Defense Policy. He'll point out that Beetle Bailey is the main reason for the misile gap... Familiar trio around town: Bathless Groggins, B.O. Plenty and Pigpen swapping the latest dirt! wanes Smilin’ Jack dropped in unexpectedly on the Bums last month. He overshot the airport .. . Red Ryder and the Lone Ranger exchanged guest shots last week. Fortunately, nobody got hit .. . Terry is suing George Wunder. Says he doesn't like the shape his balloons are in . .. Look-Alikes: Dagwood and Horace Dripple, Rex Morgan, M.D. and Rip Kirby, Juliet Jones and David Crane... Seen Around Town, Daisy Duck ‘nestling up to Donald's Uncle Scrooge. No dummy, she! ‘Alter taking on one disgusting character teeee Allley Oop is proud of his Teenage Club for Boys. Weighs less than five pounds, and packs a real wallop . . . Pogo has turned thumbs down on a new paperback. Says he's swamped Smuify Smith will be designated a major disaster area Popeye is ailing. Insiders suspect he's developed an allergy to spinach .. . Bugs Bunny and B'rer Rabbie will soon market their new hare tonic... Long Sam was nixed by “Playboy as its Playmate of the Month. Seems they couldn't afford an, tight page fold out! wena ComieBook Gutie, Katy Keene, whose readers design her dlothes, had to decline a date because she had nothing to wear. The mail was late... Archie Andrews had a horrible fright when he received his latest zeport card. He neatly graduated .., Reports that Alfred E. Neuman is really The Yellow Kid with a toupee are being hotly denied—by The Yellow Kid .. . Secret Agent X-9 planning to make a come back, but he'll use an alias. .. The cats were really tearing up the place at “Birdland” last night, Namely Spooky, Felix, Sylvester and Cicero's at! tena WHERE ARE THEY NOW?. ... Jerry-On-The-Job is out of work... Tiny Tim is a small businessman ... Its rumored, that Skippy is now a Navy Doctor . .. The Human Torch is, te lighter for a Texas millionaire, Has to keep Ids, though . . . The Reg/lar Fellows are Working atthe advertising agency for Kellogg cercals, They're all account executives for All-Bran . . . Has anyone seen Invisible Scarlet O'Neal lately? 2 lear of the oil COMICLAND QUIZ HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE WORLD OF COMICS? ‘Hans and Fritz (‘The Katzenjammer Kids) are: ‘A. 49 years old B, Brother and Sister, ©. Up for parole, D. Nazis. ‘A. Mickey Finn's traffic ticket fies for 1961, B. Penny's phone bill for April ZS ©. The back taxes Joe Palooka owes Uncle Sam, D. Jiggs and Maggie's weekly vase replacement expenses. Bj A. A Rex Morgan appendectomy. B. The Okefenokee Swamp Urban Renewal Project. ©, Li! Abner's new outhouse. ree 0. Sluggo’s Bar Mitzvah, Thisis an extreme close-up of: ‘Orphan Annie's left eyeball. B. Charlie Brown's harie ©. Beetle Beiley’s combat record B. Orphan Annie's right eyeball. ‘The one ingredient missing from this Dagwood sandwich is: AHalvah, B.Arsenic. . Blondie's upper plate D. Judge Parker. JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART | Antonio Prohias, who was forced to flee Cuba because he refused to become a “Castro Convertible”, brings us another MAD installment of that friendly rivalry between the man in black and the man in white—better known as .. . BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT. The relationship between Parents and their Little Kids can be sum- med up in one word: Aggravation! Yessiree, Parents sure give their Little Kids plenty of aggravation! You'll see exactly what we mean in this article by Dave Berg. . . who gave his Little Kids plenty of aggravation while researching: THE LIGHTER SIDE OF WRESTLING! FIGHTING! ALWAYS ARGUING! OKAY, VE HAD IT! BOTH OF YOU-UP To YOUR ROOM! You're both weong! 1a recognize that voice anywhere! It's my Karen! What @ mean Daddy! ‘Wha does he think he is~the Black Knight, sending the two good guys up to ‘the dark tower!? Yeah! We oughta report him ‘to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children! Imagine—sending ‘wo poor kids up to their room alla time for punishment! i a PARENTS (OF LITTLE KIDS) LISTEN—YOU TELL MY STEVIE A ‘DIRTY VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU, BIG MOUTH! YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT ANY BRIDGE | | ME GAME ANY NIGHT! DON'T EVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN! ‘Mom, can Douglas sleep cover our house? His mother ‘says it's okay with her!! ‘Mommy, can sieep| over Joey's house? No, pada) [ Justone big fot minoter eaten | | ins e MY house~and sett’, | | M teewsion stand onthe” | | pay the electric bis Allright, kis! You've ‘been watching television ‘all day! Now there's a program I want to seal! Just wait till your Naahh! | know howto | | Daddy! Daddy! I've got the father comes home and handle them! All bestest Daddy in the whole tall him what you've have to do is get to world! All the other kids done Boy, is he gonna ry Daddy frst— are jealous ‘cause my Daddy lve you @ licking! before he comes into | {ts bettern their Daddies! the house! ‘You don't appreciate what ) {ot Not Don't touch those 8 good mother | am! Look toys! I've just spent an ‘at this beautiful spotless houatistatientog Beta Ue house I've given you! And this lovely room you've got! ‘Not No! You can't play in the den! I've just had the floor waxed! Oh, Jerry, 'm s0 glad you're home! “The poor kid! Let's mane it up to her! I've had such a terrible day with Randi But Elaine! it's the middle of the ‘second act? Will you caim down! The baby is all right! T just know something ‘is wrong! It's mother’s heart teling mel! 'm going to call the baby sitter— so you're || Bratt? my Billy a home! Weil, |] brat!” Why I've let me tell || got the bestest you about || kid in the whole ‘his brat world! All the of yours— }} other Daddies are Jealous ‘cause my kid is better'n ‘hele kids! (C'mon, Stul Let's go over to Mark's housel His mom ‘don’t care what kind of a mess we makel She's a terrible mother! ‘See—with the gold paint on the dol's Get me some of that gold glitter paint ‘shoes, I'm making fairy footprints Itseems that she lost a tooth yesterday, your cub scout den was using—andone| "| from the window to Rand's bed ‘of her dolls. \ under her pillow. Well, | tell you, there's been such erying and carrying-on all day long— ‘Oh-oht it's Kenny! He's up and he knows we ‘company. Now he'll have: ty every trick In the book to get attention! But we know how to handle That's it, Dick! He" et tired soon! Just do like we do! Ignore himt! rienamaeer LI DN eam at the "Vt Yeah, | know what you mean! Well, that’s the way the ‘cookie crumbles! Some kids Bot it—and some kids ain't! ‘You couldn't have been a normal kid—like Bobby!? You had to be a GENIUSI? , 77 ‘Now we'll put the money tunder her pillow, with a rte from “"The Good Fairy"” saying that so many chit dren lost teeth yesterday, she just couldn't get ‘round to Randi What an absolutely ‘charming idea! She remember this all her lfet ve got to see the expression on her face when she sees ‘quick! Randi is waking upl ‘A QUARTER!? WHAT KIND OF A CHEAPSKATE GOOD FAIRY GIVES A QUARTER"? DEBBIE GETS A WHOLE DOLLAR FROM HER GOOD FAIRY FOR EVERY TOOTH SHE LOSES! Tes just lke my mother always said: “Small children, ‘small troubles! Big children, ig troubles!” I've got two ‘small children and a teenagert T've got troubles up to here! The younger ones are going through the whole routine— you know the bit—measies, chicken pox, temper tantrums! [And the teenager has the body ‘of an adult, the mind of a ‘to tell you! You know what it's all about! child and the rebellion of @ Communist on Wall Street! You don't have any childrent? So what ido you do for aggravation!? Pee) tae) oY Ve =a producers are forbidden from presenting intelligent, artistic dramas on the 21- inch screen, they're making up for it in an ingenious way. They're presenting intelligent, artistic swoorencce WVHAT IF HOLLYWOOD WERE TO LONG AND PRETENTIOUS “4 PN PN a Here's a poster for a re-release of “KING KONG”... The Most Incredible Monster Of All Time! ee en re! jidings! peopl! eps nee” ROBERT ARMSTRONG & FAY WRAY IN “Beat, Beat, Beat Upon A Forlorn Hairy Chest With Thy Vengeful Fists Of Civilized Inhumanity And Receive In Return A Shattered Jungle Soul Whose Name Is ‘Everyape’ “ PDP PEO CCAD Here's a poster fora re-release of “THE THREE: STOOGES MEET HERCULES”, .. AHUNDRED ATHOUSAND A MILLION ! SCREAMS! SHRIEKS! LAUGHS! WACKY! WILD! WONDERFUL! THOSE 3 CRAZY, LOVABLE GUYS CLOWN THEIR WAY INTO THE HEART OF A LEGENDARY GIANT! Hilarious Uproarious _— Ridiculous For Children of All Ages— LARRY MOE CURLY From 2 to 2%" IN “Oh, That This Too Too Solid Flesh Might Withstand The Stings And Klops of Outrageous Slapstick by Those Three Idiots Who By Their Very Nature Must Commit Atrocities Only to Appear Humorous” CUR UP see UCU eu Ee aru Cnr eee es a eee tre er oteeca ans FOLLOW THE TREND TOWARD TITLES FOR TV DRAMAS aS [a Here’s a poster for are-release of “TWIST AROUND THE CLOCK’”... We Dare You To Keep Your Feet Still We Dare You Not To Sing Along! We Dare You Not To Scream With Delight! PCRs ts Puasa TWISTABLE IRRESISTIBLE aie aT) JACKET! “HI THERE! THIS IS THE TITLE YOU'RE READING RIGHT NOW. SORRY IT CAN’T BE MORE POETIC AND ARTY, BUT THE PRODUCERS OF THIS FILM AIN'T TOO BRIGHT. YOU GOTTA ADMIT IT’S LONG ENOUGH, THOUGH. WANT SOME FRENCH WORDS TO GIVE IT CLASS? HOW'S THIS: PIE A LA MODE! YOU GOTTA LOVE US! AFTER ALL, IT AIN'T EASY TO MAKE A MOVIE ON A BUDGET OF $11.53!” DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II ON A SATURDAY AFTERNOON /<@> PIGGYBACK, DA, DA! PIGGYBACK!! J" We Ke igayback, Da, | tel you~ itany MAKING A BIG SPLASH DEPT. Once upon a time, Swimming Pools were strictly a luxury. Only two kinds of people had them: (1) Million- aires, and (2) Movie stars named Esther Williams. Today, all that has changed. The Swimming Pool is rap- idly taking the place of the automobile as America’s newest and flashiest “Status Symbol”. And if we know anything about American Industry, just as the car developed, so will the Swimming Pool. In this article, we at MAD take a somewhat damp view of what the poor consumer has in store, as we examine: THE TREND TOWARD SWIMMING POOLS AS A NEW “STATUS SYMBOL” ui UP tonow, the Swimming Poo! has been a fairly standard item . usually rectangular in shape . . . with a diving board at one end ... and a crowd of unwelcome neighbors at the other. WRITER: SY REIT J BX« as the tend develops and grows, we can expect the usual competition. In order to grab business, pool manufacturers will begin to introduce new models and interesting gimmicks. And we can look forward to things like... Large, flashy, chrome-plated pools with white sidewall —and racy sport models (also available as convertibles), life: preservers, and tail fins on the diving board . with twortone paint jobs and high-powered filter motors. Jui Before you know it, Foreign Pool Manufacturers will get into the act, and they'll turn out a line of low-priced “compacts” for the American Market: The Germans will put out a model called a “Volkswasser” | Next will come 1a, | have a date tonight! Can | borrow the pool? Linda will take the children ‘on Monday, and Sally is set for Tuesday. I you can take the Cub Scouts on Wednesday. ‘ealled about next Ellen? This is Marthat week's Poo! pool By * the trend continues, we'll begin to see “Two-Pool” families. After all, the kids are growing up ... why shouldn't they have a pool of their own? | On America’s highways and thruways, the “Drive-In” will be replaced by the “Dive-In” . . . and “Used Pool Lots” will become a familiar sight everywhere. timate te ante V re am TRADE IN Youn, r.® tf Buy Your Pool At HONEST JOHNS’ Folks, this pool was owned by alittle used iton Sundays to go wading in! “ EX - py Aiter a while, well have so many pools that they'll be backed up, ladder to ladder. There won't be room for gardens or backyards, or even barbecue pits. The country will be suffering from serious pool traffic congestion. «This is Colls Charlingwood, signing ‘ft. with this reminder to holiday. swimmers: If you're diving don’t drinkt Remember, alcohol and water don't mix! Ju But there is one bright spot in this gloomy picture: America's highway traffic will drop to practically zero! Everybody'll be too busy swimming. POSTAL INTROSPECTION DEPT. TT Boats i poste for she ambitions clod to learn almost any skill, trade or profes. sion by enrolling in one of the thousands of correspondence courses currently available. But strangely enough, no one has yet offered a much-needed cor hing psychoanalysis by mail, thus enabling the hapless neurotic to save the $25 an hour he now spends spewing out his woes to some overworked psychiatrist who probably isn’t listening anyway. Rushing to the aid of these frenzied folk who can’t cope with life, MAD now offers its own version of a home study course designed to accomplish . POV GKOANALYSIS Session 3. MOTHER ‘Score 5 points for each "Yes" Answer) st you to be more concerned about thn about hw mach its going a est you Toho ale repaired once the mole mess sort (2 Mv 2. fre you now waking on ftom workin nt on ay ar na that your rotten no goo father aluays ened ert? ES a Do you cry yoursel to si lep everynight tucks you in and gives you your blanket to Somforting as the way Mor used o doit 4. Do you insist on having your mother accompany you everwhere You go because she isthe ony person RU because eth ony eso pale of Ping ou ess ause the way yout wite dei not quite a5 Have you remaines unmaried because you ea’ fi ‘out who is $3 years old, has refi Cal you “Sony Find gl to take 4 weak worn face, and is wiling to 0 you stil telephone your Mat it Mother very nih you's uly eventhough you now ine in Bangor, Maine’ =" to have her sing San Diego and she lives JAIIL= == Session 4. THE INFERIORITY COMPLEX (Score 5 points for each “Yes” Answer) 14 Are you hunted beyond all esson Because te ink Nat ave (eg ike nating more than ap ink it to you, wile you think that werk that yu sould think it looks tke sex? — soiling the ik tht made 2. Ace you arid that you wil be blamed fr sing te ik that een at dary well be seding sameone ot t0 NK you fort 44.00 yu avoid playing patyeate with litle Kids becuse 3 ad theyre efter a than You se? 4 Do you confess to every ate murder because you Jae’ erminal, ore worthy than yoursell bring fe to think clrocuted aie yougo seat ee? eS Aeneer you passa jewelry store wih is clck sin reading B20, 5 Meno anaes set your wate fo hat tne soning ta ‘teeter must ao the crete an hal you mee te one eee mstse and went a fo nh four tor x2 Go you sem! Mon a ote of paloy insted of werd vey yer ay nese Jou tow Howse mast fel aE ® ESE The yo fr ki Session 1. GENERAL EMOTIONAL STABILITY (Score 5 points for each "Yes" Answer) After concentrating hard on the ilustration at left for 15 or 20 minutes, do you find yourself throwing a temper tantrum because You can't reach ints th page and push the slanty side over to make the whole thing look more neat When you saw this symbol, dd you immed Stelylcok down at the bottom of the page forthe footnote it refers t, and then burst into tears when there wasnt any? ‘re you filled with more fustretion than You ean bear because every pencil in the house has broken sont, leaving you with ‘no possible way of Filing in that aul ite spat in the center ofthe circle? Dia you stand on your head to make sense ut of tis one without slapping to realize that maybe i's right sige up, end every. thing else inthe word i upside down? id this one make you giggle uncontrollably because you thought it Tooked like lackig ‘Gleason trom the rear, banding over? Did this one compel you to go down and Ate punch your laundeyman in the mouth be- AS Bie f'n al ee ae rome what it means and you dont? Session 3 FETISHES (Score 5 points for each “Yes” Answer) 1. Even though you lve slone, have you been forced fo buy a 1¢00m house because you need atleast 13 rooms to store your collection fold bottle caps? ‘Ata party, do you sit quetly until everyone else gets toa plastered {aot you, and the tart rummaging feverishly Yrougs bureau ‘When your wie suggests a picni, do you insist on holding it near the City Dump so you can serounge thraugh the rubbish while the rest of th family (seeing? Have you given away all your sipover sweaters because you cant igure out how to put one on without taking af your Rat? De you stack up on more canned goods than you can possibly eat just because you ove to look atthe pictues on the labels? 6. Do vou hide spare rols of string in chandeliers, under beds and other secret places around your house, just so you won't get aught short incase your wife ins your teulrsaply and throws ENVIRONMENTAL ADJUSTMENT {Score 5 points for each Yes" Answer) Session 6. COMPULSIONS (Score 5 points for each “Yes” Answer) 1 MNE ert cove meer be Bene Deena Sytem ead 2 pS es lig ay ee 3M se op abt ve nas te Pi, Session 7. TELEPHONE PSYCHOSIS (Score 5 points for each “Yes” Answer) 1. Does the mere sight of the man in the pictur fill you with je ‘0s anteipation because youre certain he'l cal you up ary minute ftw, and you can hardly wait to tlk fo him even though you have na ides who he is? 2. Do yeu sometimes wish that you had two phones with different humbers so you could call yourself up and have somebody con: Vii to chat wth? Have you been calling up wrong numbers and saying "Guess who this i?" for so long that they know wo it by now? Do you carry on long onversation withthe gir on the phone who fives you the corset time eventhough she seems to have a one {rack mind tht causes hr to reply to everything you say by tl ing you what time it ist {sit your idea ofa bg time to call up every grace in town and der huge quantities of food to be delivered to adresses that ont exist 6. Ater you've called everyone you can tink of, da you while away mary happy hours just siting there listening tothe dil tone? — Session 9. FRUSTRATIONS (Score points for each “Yes” Answer) 1 Oo yu eat p your wile a chien every chen evry eveing jst beause theres no oe tt best wp ater you've spent ed bea Up our cortrs and eistoneret et 4 esting Hoe you ever had the trmpbant dream that you salled an hile tytn and the see Werle edo whe You ake and found ft wart even ised he dena Are you frsvated beyond enduane be endurance because ove ben writing down eer ke ou hear and mang then fo Ed Salva, still doesn’t laugh? soe a ad 4. Bo you ever ean that youve jest meta beau blond, a the get mad becuse the alarm lel get ff etre ous bad £ chuce fo eta mane snd pore nur? 5: So el onring ag re ino aes “Cook” che Chester wen sap ging no mater how man ees protest you write to the network? i ee ae 8. Do you hate your moter afte er beasse ou wanted to bean Arian pyamy when you ar up and they wold et you? Session 8. TELEVISION PSYCHOSIS (Score 5 points for each “Yes” Answer) any show, no matter how lousy it was? = ub tarda ie bear asso tha the people on he srean fan see oan ou Sent ‘want to be considered a slob? era! ‘on the set and just watching the snow on the screen? Z Session 10. SCORING AND RECOMMENDED THERAPY you have no problems because you either didnt yur sare is 025, ‘ar somehow managed to skip the grades where got school at all, they taut reading It your sear ks 3035, you sould buy a dictionary, read it cover to over and then take tis quz ver agin on the oft chance that the few results wil prove you to be less of nut than you really re It your sore is 6085, just stay under your bed and Keep reveading tha label te bottom of the box spring until you feel beter. Wor scree S018, dont ltr ap your mid wth ts he Mt treed athena pve oo cn ese st 9 rene Matador i eae abn shoul vet If voor sare Is 12014, you te ast conpeely amped an Mart ey son us an onl SIRD fr oot “Advanced tale yu sil have srt enough to rember where Yu pot fur Cee oak it your sear is 18047, dnt send sth 250, Use i to have as Maer tr urns to prec or Retgibr am what yu Be ttl one your scare is 180-208, quit your job immediately an have as much {es you can before they cath up with you. 1 your seore is 210235, cultivate the ability to hold your breath for Togeerids of time so you Wil be in shape to move tothe bottom Of the ocean incase your condition worsens 1 your szare is 240-270, do't callus, Wel range forthe nearest sanitrium f9 cll you, AUTO-SUGGESTION DEPT. Today, there are two kinds of drivers on America’s highways: The Maniacs ...and The Boy-I’d-Like-To Get-Even-With-Those- Maniacs! To satisfy the needs of each, MAD commissioned Basil Wolverton to design these special cars which he calls— (Some MAD Cars Designed For Maniac Drivers) THE JACKRABBIT JUMPER THE TIGHT TAILER Retractable system of high-tension spring: pneumatic cylinders makes it possible for “ . Maniacs” to get the jump on everyor FONE e iain aceclad oleae Fabien fo wore inn of hea eg te San fey do pe rats nsec ce te that automatically swerves the car from one |: fame ‘rome “i les for squirting another repeatedly while driver sits back and rela ef AND DEALERS (Some MAD Cars Designed To Get Even With Maniac Drivers) THE PARKING LOT SPACE-HOG SAWER Next time you come upon one of those idiots taking up two spaces in a crowded parking lot, your problem is solved. Heavy circular saw geared to car motor insures, ample space for your own car by removing any obstacle, THE HORN-BLASTER BLASTER igned to take re you and start ks up hon! ieks 5, wh by equipment in soundproof body, and then blasted back through giant rear speakers with ear-splitting volume, THE ROAD-HOG PLOWER red by those morons who will flip over this new model. fo battery of lights that ving offender off road. Super generator supplies flick on at touch of a swi MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS DEPT. From time immemorial, graduating students have felt that there are no longer any opportunities left to make one’s fortune. They've said things like: “Everything's been invented, or discovered, or cashed-in on . . . and there are no new frontiers left to conquer!” Well, we say things like: “Baloney!” Where would Thomas A. Edison, Jonas Salk and Hugh Hefner be if they'd believed that? Mainly, opportunities are all around us. Mankind is constantly beset with problems. All you have to do is open your eyes, solve these problems, and you'll come up with profitable ideas like . . . NEW OPPORTUNITIES FOR RECENT GRADS ARTIST: JACK RICKARD WRITER: AL JAFFEE ‘THE PROBLEM: Gigantic Parking Lots YOUR OPPORTUNITY: Parking Lot Shuttle Bus Set up a “Shuttle Bus Servic fof recreation area park- the parking lot to the st the trips in and out can be. You could charge according to ling alley or ball: park, e, oF number of bundles ‘THE PROBLEM: Doctors’ Answering Service YOUR OPPORTUNITY: Doctors’ Finder Service Service, this ls Doctor Funff anyone \| __ Rest easy, Mrs. Pitz | just located your calls, I'm operating and can't be reached! doctor and convinced him to come right over! If you've ever called your family doctor in an emergency, Organize a group of profesional “Doctor Taller” Assign ‘nly to reach his “answering service,” you know the panic each to a doctor. When customer calls your service, his and frustration of being informed that he's not available. doctor is contacted persoually, and he can't squirm out. 39 THE PROBLEM: Sitter Anxiety All parents are after they leav le d e yaby signal every time they go out, Thi sitter, Rumors of wild patties and abused kids are heard. you might drop in for a spot “sitter Spy Patrol” services a list THE PROBLEM: Cleaning Up For The Cleaning Girl $ as Many housewives frantically “straighten up a bit" before ives, claiming then she'll ot and insured rk to do. Actually, housewife would They sneak in and preelean before regular gist arrives. i know what a slob she really ix Housewife never sees “‘pre-leaner"—can't be embarrassed. THE PROBLEM: Long Waiting Lines YOUR OPPORTUNITY: Place-Keeping Service ion comes overcrowding everywhere. People who have invested a lot of time waiting om a line Lines for hit shows, bull gameseven at banks and barber will welcome your service so they can solve problems like shops grow longer and longer and waiting has its problems. trips to rest rooms and starvation—without losing place. THE PROBLEM: Unassembled Purchases THE SOLUTION: Visiting Assembly Service small kickback, . When frantic and save the day. Buying unassembled article means the customer is working Organize a “Visiting Assembly Servic for the manufacturer and doesn't know it. He saves labor stores will insert your message in ‘costs of assembly, and customer ends up botching the job. customer calls for help . . . you step ‘THE PROBLEM: Growing Trading Stamp Nuisance becoming disenchanted beginning to realize that all, that's what housewives needed in first place. Then, silts — plus salaries, rents redeem stamps for gifts, open giftshop, sell gifts, and mnies and their ad agencies. restock groceries with part of iltshop’s huge profits with wading they're really and profits of THE PROBLEM: Family Disputes rguing, Your service would call daily and carry the garbage from 41 iatred, you'll probably find the same old the house can to the outside y husband would be ‘mainly: who's gonna take out the garbage? dhrilled to pay for bringing back to his home. JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART I And now, Mr. Prohias offers another installment in his contention that truth is never all black nor all white—but merely shades of gray. He calls it. . . HITCHCOCK-A-DOODLE-DOO DEPT. Yes sir, you saw it adver ‘magazines and newspapers, on billboards and TV—and you were scared! Then you saw it on the screen, and you were no longer scared—you were hysterical with laughter! Because even a movie with reams and reams of advance publicity can still turn out to be a bomb when it's got bad acting and a weak story! To paraphrase the ads, Alfred Hatchplot should have said, “It could be the most terrible mo- tion picture | have ever made!"” Mainly because his latest chiller is not only luke warm, it is strictly “For The Birds’ svarnine w.reects ROD TAYLURE JESSICA CANDY SUZANN FLUSHETTE AND inTRODUCING A HATcHPLOT Mistake: TIPSY HEADRINSE as «tHe Peter FINCH, Walter PIGEON, Edith HEAD. Morris. zing i Tis na ROGIN, Jean CRANE: umemecran srace The BUTCHER: BETHUNE jean MARTIN, Howard HAWKS, "Suche Senco at ‘gucen cs * Washington Irving HUNTER Baphy ‘name nensruat Square, “wlatmuns” Du MAURIER'S Jim CROW PIGEONS: “courosirion “eon ron S x tT THE BIRDS And will 1S COMING! THE BIRDS — ‘But that marry 2 parakeet ot supposed to get hysterical about | a prince? ‘it met ‘the birds until much later in the picture. Maybe by then your acting will have improved sufficiently enough to regis fear! Now be a good girl and follow Mr. Hatchiplets brilliant direction, and eventually you may become a rich and famous movie star. That's oda Al the birds in my store |— Yes! That's | | Wak are normally very peaceful. But come Mint ware |) teriying |] to death to |f foou Look at J ,WE MILL, to think of it, they have been acting || SPS8NRE about |) ‘the movie =some of | think of what f] that scene | BURY YOU strange lately. The finches have been || ° es pete the things |] frightening || he’s making | ME MILL, throwing tempertantrums, the parrots || Ook atthat |] Soechiny new thing |] over at the v have been cursing the customers, and || f#¢ little man] heyy taugh helt come, | Bait Easie | / (=a the canaries—the canaries have been || ,ove".there || and gasp in up with ne / Sinem World Waril marching songs || Wt tne bald || eC Sriion The crazy fat That's @ Hell probably | | Now, what || _'¢ tke to order two love Bodego Bay? You're going to] Why? Is surprisel | || appear later ont | | can't do ‘ Bodego Bay? Listen, take my | there some | / was'kind of || Anyway, looking for you? ‘advice and stay away from | threat of ‘oxpecting | for him will help that placel I's not for danger? 1 I've heard some strange tall about it sround the store recently! That's no Place to go chasing 8 Tawyer on a weekend! somebody else | to build up the toshow up in | Suspense—some- that sequence! | thing which happens to be noticeably lack ing in the rest of the picture! necessary to further the plot ‘surprise visit at Bodego Bay this weekend! Could either of you gentlemen direct me || Gertrude? Roger Oedipus? | have ——a = wait ternemert_ Vi PE orev ‘Oh, you mean No=it's just that Bodexo Bay doesn't "swing" on weekends! A rich, attractive girl ike you has more of ‘chance of catching a lawyer Welt, thanks for the advice, but | think | prefer to take my chances with this guy at Bodego Bay! poll cottages on Kiamesha Lake in ‘the Catskills! ‘mean, that was the first big Tipsy, you crazy |) iooked in shock in "Psycho"—wasn't itt id! You mean you |] the "Yellow ‘When Janet Leigh was killed ‘came all the way Well, here | am with my sophisticated Upper-lass facial expression, dressed | ‘in-a mink coat, doing a silly Debbie Reynolds-type rowing bit out in the Fight in the beginning of the ‘Ut here just to. middle of Bodego Bay! I'l bet you're Picture? Well, no such luck see mel? How di al sitting on the edge of your seats this time, gang! All that ‘you find out waiting for something to happen—like happens to me Is this big sea where | lived? gull comes down and bites the ‘my falling in the water and drowning! top of my head! Rte iemathewe || mega we voce We scincd wa atN | tupac pened | Inthe boat” | | ever nave hougnt | NOMS A SEP | at Now eam down and moet my to you? | coming over. | | that nice, quiet Mr. i ae eslthneer “This is my kid sister— astrange ail ina He mater. Folks, this is wealthy boat! Shows you— rie Miss Headrinse who intruded on ‘you never really i "Realy? So how ur weekend for the purpose of ‘know your making a tremendous play for mel relghborst ‘come you're bleeding on the side of your face? That's not ketchup, | No, sont Don't J | Mother, PLEASE!] Roger, ets] [You mean that fat man over there? | He's coming this other! That's blood! | hug her like that Tdvather do. | not argue in| | peweestarmartiont inet? vee, || _ way! Waitt in front of it myself! | front of the ‘ehimiHe'swatingforal'hs || #udience sees i f nea fed fans to geta look at nim! He's the |) They'll laugh and vores sun / an fone fom TV and Movies—tne one || gasp in who wants everything he her instead! publicized! All that weird p mmm Gee! That was a |) [ Look at those gullst Believe me, you're not fees) Gamacalk you're an | surprise! | They're—they re |] doing so well yourselt |_| jywonder || Do you tink it | though it woul acting strangely! || I've never seen such | | wry shey. || es ar be=you know— They're diving at |) strange acting in al so a ust Those guts are I] ny et Ru a ot ea infor the house! a Don't be ridiculous, mother That's the bird house! 5 =a fe must be upstairs in his room! But wait! Let me tel ff you what happened here! The “TY _ quick Novno, son! It's into the | such a small house! || houset eee ‘Oh, never mind! How about that house Hop into the car, over there? | know it's | | Tipsy! We'll drive to litle cramped and the Quimbley farm Uncomfortable—but in and see if we can | | emergencies one must get help! in sacrifices! MAS 7, {knew it would come to this! | warned him! | guess the birds tookall they could stand from him. He was working them too hard. They hated him! Rehearsals for 14 hours a day—day after ‘day—for 8 straight months! And for what? For chicken feed! ‘While he'd get all the money and capitalize on the publicity! It's too bad. He did s0 well when he was handling humans! He made a mistake when he started getting involved with The Birds! Was that 2 eulogy— ora review? Anyway, we've no time to horrible! | ac the birds before it Is too late! —— | Boy, somebody better clue ther ‘mon their song selections! They're in for a shock! Wel, Til just sit out here till the end of the period so | won't frighten of panic them lunnecessarily! Lets all sing like the birdies sing— | haven't disturbed |] Tweet, weet-tweet, tweet-twoet! ‘the children in Let's ail sing like the birdies sing— Swot, swest-sweet, sweet-sweet! ble like nightingoles: ur throat a treat ‘swoe) ees ‘Now-—quietlywithout [RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! anie—in my calmest fone and glizing my || TO EAT YOU UP AND ‘most subtle acting ‘bility, wil warn the children THE BIRDS IS COMING KiLL YOU! RUN! RUN! THE BIRDS IS COMIN ust one minute! Who do you think you are—barging in here like this—shouting Run for cae vat | ee y ah e “There was an attack onthe school! A ‘teacher was killed! An=it's just those crazy teenage students You're right! | The birds is coming! Why don't you believe me? These are birds that are doing the attacking! Wrens, hens, geese, ganders, gulls, mockingbirds! They gather tm the sky and wart=as if ee a | [amare the mater [| tm agaist com with you? New see || Defense drills of fam I aoa deet | cutses ee ‘You got yourself || ‘to participate in tied wigan pate rare | | Well that's ‘more than you can say ‘about this picturel! ‘smashing into the gas “Station pumps! The ‘whole town's gonna » ees =o Lady! That's} You see what en or in th “ ‘college prank like that?! Seeing how host bed ‘many you can crowd into aphone JR Kind of cart ‘eae that 5 ‘A THUNDERBIRD! : saith ine Mateo 1 booth?! Boy, you Skidmore:type girls are all alkemaking humor out of any ‘unpleasant situation! C'mon! Hop int 1 ‘did that! ‘open the door a litte, ean make a break for it. oe PeErEr ee There! I've nailed || Eeeeek! Roger! The [ | The windows! The "tthe time it's another asthma | pfother wil take up every door and ef | ors, ll boarded] to explain, Motner attack! Oh, Mommy. | care of her tittle We have to prepare lease don't let | ‘up! There was no | ‘other way to get of for another attack! those awful birdies \ can sense it coming! get me white I'm in I this condition! ‘boarded up every ing window! That should |} down the chimney! ‘do it Nothing can 7 amt et In here now! on ae Iie mS a Jee mm] Hereit ie. now! Fone demand, JIS ANOTHER ATTACK! tornow! wy dd [> you lock me out? WAY Revenge is right! Now me and my birds are headed south—to Los Angeles! If you think we terrorized your house ... you should see wha we've got lined Up for Gregory Peck! There must be some reason Some motive! What do they want? More crumbs? Status? | Bigger bird baths? It's almost as if some human being were controlling | the bids". masterminding. | the attacks revenge for som | that’s rignt! Revenge! And who || “haga better right to itthan || met Allthose months in Alcatraz, Tearning, studying, rehearsing— _| te give a tender; sensitive tear Roger! The birds! They're breaking through the walls, the doors—the rooft I deserved the Academy Aws YOU'LL DIAL LAUGHING WHEN YOU FOLLOW THE | PROGRAMMING IN THIS MAD VERSION OF containing: “Previews of New Fall Shows’ A look at the OWS ‘ee page 3 TEWS OF NEW FALL SH planned by the Exclusive reports of idiocies now in the works plus... * Absurd Articles About Absurd TV Personalities * Ridiculous Publicity Photos * Even More Ridiculous Ads Cm ey BUS eae Rel te) FREE Le TONY Ve NOW ON SALE! You think you're al the floor—and then you realize that having “the ‘Trust your car will be stopped by the man who wears the star