Running Head: CONTFLICT RESOLUTION IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS 1
Conflict Resolution in Romantic Relationships
Paige Connor, Mary Pat Conway, Morgan Cripps, Clay Cronic, Kayla Croy, Chip Davis, Sydney Deaver, Hannah Dill University of Tennessee
CONTFLICT RESOLUTION IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS 2 Conflict is normal. All humans are different. Each person has opinions, beliefs and ideas that may differ from their partner or spouse. Some might say that conflict is unhealthy and should be avoided. This paper outlines a variety of relationship topics that may help us to reach our ultimate goal: conflict resolution. One must define communication in romantic relationships in order to understand and improve upon them. Communication and conflict can be confused as synonymous terms. A detailed discussion of the difference between conflict and communication will be explained and may provide insight relating to best practices for both communication and conflict resolution principles. Simple questions will be asked and answered such as What is communication? and What is conflict? Answering these questions should help in compromise and resolution. Different types of conflict resolution will be discussed. Avoidance and under responsive conflict resolution styles are the first two examples. These will be explained in great detail. The question of how avoidance and under responsiveness play out in a relationship will be discussed and answered. Also, failure to acknowledge a problem exists in a relationship is another conflict that may affect a large segment of people. Is this type of resolution healthy? Normal? Effective? Can good communication truly occur when these issues are present. An attempt will be made to answer some of these questions. Also, what are the pros and cons of under responsiveness and avoidance? How does a competition style of resolution work? Definitions and explanations will be provided. Aggressive language and belittling may be a tactic used. In addition to all of the above conflict styles discuss, collaboration and accommodation will be the final two explained and examined. Conflict in romantic relationships is very common and defined goals must be clearly stated and examined in order for compromise and conflict resolution to be possible. A CONTFLICT RESOLUTION IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS 3 desire to achieve resolution should be the ultimate goal. When a determination to resolve issues is present, half the battle is won. Communication is the basic method in which humans use to interact. It is essential in a persons everyday routine. Communication is used from the time people wake up until they go to bed. Communication has been broadly defined as, "the sharing of experiences and to some extent all living organisms can be said to share experiences. Human communication is the process of creating a meaning between two or more people (Tubbs, 2013). These experiences include: sharing information or values, connecting with others, planning, giving advice and expressing creativity and philosophy. These intangible experiences can be communicated verbally or nonverbally and typically receive feedback, depending on the context of the audience. On certain occasions, intimate communication may lead to romantic relationships. A romantic relationship is between two people who are physically and emotionally attracted to one another, sharing an intimate closeness. All intimate relationships stem from the idea of self-disclosing personal information. On many occasions, People will incorporate self- disclosure in conversation to assess one anothers interest, suitability and trustworthiness for starting a close relationship. Decisions about self-disclosure will affect how new relationships develop or cycle over time (Derlega, Winstead, Greene, 2008). Once a romantic relationship has developed, couples share intimate feelings, a commitment to one another, and feelings of protection and love. With time couples in a romantic relationship may experience different levels of conflict. Conflict is an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who have perceived incompatible goals, scarce resources and interference from others in achieving their CONTFLICT RESOLUTION IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS 4 goals (Tubbs, 2013). When experiencing conflict in a romantic relationship, one may be getting in the way of the other achieving their goals or having opposing ideas: family, career or friendships. Conflict does not suggest a couple is incompatible, but can be stepping-stones for potential growth in a romantic relationship. Although, growth in a romantic relationship may become stunted, when the couple avoids their conflicts. Recall the saying, if you do not have anything nice to say, then do not say anything at all? That short phrase speaks volumes concerning conflict resolution. When faced with conflict, couples in romantic relationships can choose between two potential options: deal with the issue or avoid the issue. Unfortunately, avoidance is the most common form of conflict resolution. Many times people choose to avoid conflict because they fear the outcome (Segal, 2013). We consider avoidance for many reasons such as denial, semantic focus, and postponement. We also found that there are both advantages and disadvantages to this type of conflict resolution. To begin, we will need to understand what avoidance is. According to the Cambridge Dictionary, avoidance is the act of not dealing with something between two or more parties. In the first form of avoidance, we will discuss denial. Denial is a form of selective inattention toward threat- provoking areas of a particular situation to protect a person from anxiety, guilt, or other threats (Opotow,Weiss, 2000). For example, when you ask someone what is wrong, and they answer with nothing. This person is stating there is not a problem, when it is evident there is a problem, which can create concern. This type of avoidance can be extremely detrimental to a relationship. Withholding concerns may lead to an even larger issue in the long run when the same issue reoccurs. When the issue reoccurs, each partner will find themselves more angry, and CONTFLICT RESOLUTION IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS 5 more emotional than they previously were. Once these problems reoccur, a partner will ask why he or she is rehashing the previous issue? Why are you bringing this up? We have already gone over this. Lets not argue over this again. These are all forms of semantic focus. According to the Book of Human Communication, semantic focus is described as an attempt to avoid conflict by focusing on what is being said, then making statements about what the words mean or how to characterize the continuing conflict and this discussion of words (Tubbs, 2013). In this form of avoidance we see what might be an important issue to one partner, may not be as important to the other. This semantic focus tends to downplay the conflict as if it is not important, and should be forgotten. Unfortunately, the issue will more than likely arise again. The next form of avoidance is postponement. This type of avoidance is not always an unacceptable form of conflict resolution. In the case of postponement, both parties are able to take the time that may be needed to cool down or plan a compromise. However, postponement could lead to an unaddressed issue. If you choose to postpone, it is highly recommended that a resolution time is made. Therefore, the conflict will not go unaddressed or ignored. Although avoidance is not the best way to deal with conflict resolution, it does have advantages. As we previously mentioned, postponement may be the best solution at a particular time. Avoiding the conflict at the time it arises may keep both parties from causing the conflict to escalate. Another pro to avoidance is that it gives you the ability to plan for a compromise and see your mistakes. The disadvantage to avoidance is that many times people postpone, and do not make time for resolution. Therefore, the conflict never gets resolved, and the tensions keep piling up. CONTFLICT RESOLUTION IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS 6 Another type of conflict resolution, in romantic relationships, is the use of competition. Normally, a little bit of competition is healthy because it motivates people to succeed in various tasks of life. However, when competition becomes a main component of a romantic relationship, it creates a very unhealthy and caustic atmosphere. This method of resolution can be described as a way of playing to win. Competition is shown through seeing a partner as someone to beat rather than as your teammate. The competitive urge in relationships is extremely unhealthy and is one of the deadliest killers of relationships according to journalist Dustin Wax of Lifehack (Wax, 2013). Some people just have that competitive drive in their personalities, which can carry over to their personal relationships. For example, if a couple has one partner succeeding in something that the other partner does not, that can spark a sense of jealousy. Jealousy is a major contributor to competitiveness. Once jealousy strikes, it can even lead to a partner in the romantic relationship hoping that their partner does not reach success in anything. They may even feel success from the feat of their partners failure. Although the partner may not outwardly show their happiness towards their partners failure, they internally feel it and might even feel like they won the battle. Another way that competition can arise in romantic relationships is when a person withholds intimate personal information, in fear that their spouse will use this information against them. This is mainly a psychological factor that a person in a romantic relationship deals with individually, but their partner can typically identify their partners distance caused by those thoughts. Relationships require trust, and when one finds himself or herself stuck in a competitive stage of their relationship, it is difficult to regain trust with their partner. Competition can even occur from differences in backgrounds. Its very important to try and keep the competition in relationships to a minimum. A little competition is healthy and can CONTFLICT RESOLUTION IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS 7 be fun. It only becomes harmful to a relationship when it becomes a way of life to the people in the relationship. Sometimes competition can result from too much time together. It is important, in a romantic relationship, to have a healthy amount of time together as well as time apart. Overall, competition is not an ideal resolution in romantic relationship. Submissive methods of conflict resolution are seen in Accommodation. Accommodation includes appeasement, and convergence. As defined by Merriam Webster, Appeasement: Is to make someone pleased or less angry by giving or saying something desired. In appeasement, a partner will give up things, opinions, or habits that the other partner does not agree with in order to make the other happy. This deters the relationship from handling conflict in a healthy way. In relationships described as controlling or unhealthy, appeasement is a factor. The controlled un-empowered person thinks that doing so aids in maintaining harmony in the relationship. Accordingly, they acquiesce just to keep the peace or regain it at all cost (King, 2013.) King goes on to explain how appeasement can lead to both partners being unhappy in the long run even though it may keep partners satisfied in the short term. Convergence is the other aspect of accommodation. Convergence is the movement toward anothers communication style because of a conscious or unconscious desire for social integration, seeking or showing approval, identification, or communication effectiveness with another (Street and Giles, 1982). In romantic relationships, a person will shift their opinions to reflect their partners. Conflict resolution with a lot more equality in the relationship is compromise. Compromise is used to find a common ground between both parties. Compromise is a way of reaching agreement in which each person or group gives up something that was wanted in order to end an argument or dispute (Webster, 2013). Compromise is reached through open CONTFLICT RESOLUTION IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS 8 communication and self-disclosure. Allowing a partner to understand the reasoning behind the conflict allows a stronger form of intimacy to develop. As stated in Intimacy Goals and Strategies of Conflict Resolution in Dating, Open communication and self-disclosure should enhance individuals ability to manage conflict more positively by increasing mutual awareness and empathy in the relationship. Thus allowing an easier route to compromise. While compromise is a quick fix to conflict, it is not always the best form of resolution. One main disadvantage to compromise is the lack of caring for the relationship. Often times compromise is a way in which we attempt to meet both peoples goals without caring much about the other party and their relationship. Compromise does not involve a strong drive for the relationship and for the substantive goals, but rather a half-hearted attempt to meet both. (Tubbs, 2013). This can have a negative effect in romantic relationships, simply due to the lack of care. In order for the relationship to continue growing, there needs to be a mutual goal. This is why collaboration is the most effective form of conflict resolution, especially in romantic relationships. Collaboration is not only the most effective means of conflict resolution; it also represents the highest level of commitment to a relationship. Collaboration, at its core, is an attempt to meet the needs of all parties involved, with growth as a mutual goal. This requires cooperation between both parties, and the mindset that each party is equally important. In the context of romance, this is (usually) exclusive to two parties, but it still applies to all types of interpersonal relationships. Collaboration as the highest level of commitment to a relationship is complemented by the definition of commitment. Commitment is defined, The extent to which the partners in a relationship either accept their relationship as continuing indefinitely or direct their behavior towards ensuring its continuance or optimizing its properties (Derlega 1984). Collaboration is CONTFLICT RESOLUTION IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS 9 considered the highest level of commitment because it requires selflessness from both parties: the acceptance of indefinite continuance. In contrast to compromise, collaboration does not necessarily involve both parties getting a portion of what they want in an agreed manner. A potential outcome of collaboration may include one party making a larger sacrifice than another, but with of a mutual goal of preserving the relationship. Valerian Derlegas Needs Rule of interpersonal exchange states that people receive benefits they need (not want) regardless of contribution. That being said, collaboration could be considered the Utilitarianism of conflict resolution, in the sense that it is in the interest of the greatest good for the greatest number. There are many benefits to collaboration, and this is the only conflict resolution style that can potentially lead to a win-win situation. Collaboration is not chaotic or aggressive, and has steps and rules for each party to follow if necessary. According to Albert Ellis, Win/win is possible when you accept your partner as is, share and explore disagreements, express appreciation frequently, and come from honest integrity. Following that, he gives a 5-step question sequence for collaborative conflict resolution. It goes as follows: 1. What is the problem? 2. What do you want? 3. What are you doing about it? 4. Is it working? 5. What are you willing to do that might work? While these questions might seem generic and obvious, taking a minute to ask these questions when faced with emotionally fueled conflict can prove quite helpful. While questions one and two are fairly clear cut and do not require much introspection about a given conflict, CONTFLICT RESOLUTION IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS 10 questions three and four are quite effective problem solvers. Generally on both sides of an argument, the answer to question three (if answered honestly) is going to be a caustic and not- helpful action, and the answer to number four is almost certainly no. Even though collaboration is not necessarily easy to achieve, with a little self-control, implementation can provide resolutions to seemingly unsolvable interpersonal problems. It just requires enough of an objective viewpoint to advocate the greater good, and awareness that something negative can happen at any time; but that negative event does not dictate the way you respond to it. If someone can utilize the above guidelines while maintaining the integrity of both parties, chances are your conflict will be resolved in a non-chaotic manner. Essentially, conflict resolution can be placed on a spectrum from ineffective to effective, based on partners willingness to clearly state and define their goals. The ineffective end harbors conflict resolution methods are avoidance, competition, and accommodation. These three methods are rendered ineffective because problems are left unacknowledged. The three methods of avoidance, (denial, semantic focus, postponement) effectively deny the existence of a problem, minimize one partners issue as unimportant/non-existent, and delay communication between partners by putting off the acknowledgement of an issue. During competition, partners become rivals, and communication is shut down out of fear and jealousy. Accommodation also avoids acknowledgment of problems by erasing a partners unique identity through appeasement or convergence. This creates an unbalanced relationship where issues are only solved at the most powerful partners discretion. The middle of the conflict resolution spectrum holds compromise. Unlike avoidance, competition, and accommodation, compromise acknowledges a conflict and works toward setting a goal between partners. The downside to compromise is that both partners are rarely left CONTFLICT RESOLUTION IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS 11 satisfied, since they begrudgingly give up parts of their individual goals for the sake of resolving the conflict. Compromise is characterized as requiring less commitment and care for the relationship; and while it fixes conflict in the short term, both partners are rarely left happy. The most effective end of the conflict resolution spectrum is collaboration. Collaboration is effective because the resolution meets the needs of both partners. Collaboration requires a higher level of relationship commitment, and the will of partners to make whatever individual sacrifices are needed for the sake of the relationship. This is nuanced from compromise and accommodation since both partners are not settling for an outcome, they are explicitly discussing their needs, and actively confident in their decision to sacrifice individual goals for the relationship. This spectrum of effectiveness shows the important aspects of how communication, (or lack there of) positively or negatively impacts conflict resolution. The most effective method is characterized by a longer, more complex means of communication within the relationship. Both partners have to acknowledge conflict, clearly examine their individual goals, define their relationship goal, and decide if their commitment to the relationship is high enough to constitute change at an individuals expense. The least effective methods of conflict resolution are characterized by not communicating with partners to acknowledge conflict, and partners competing, which creates conflict. Romantic relationships are unique because they involve the mental and physical exchanges of two beings. In order for a romantic relationship to be successful, both parties must put time, effort, emotion, and sacrifice into resolving and preventing conflicts from happening.
CONTFLICT RESOLUTION IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS 12 Work Cited (APA)
Derlega, V. J. (1984). Communication, intimacy, and close relationships. Orlando [Fla.: Academic Press.
Derlega, V. J., Winstead, B. A., & Greene, K. (2008). Self-disclosure and starting a close relationship. In S. Sprecher, A. Wenzel, & J. Harvey (Eds.) Handbook of relationship initiation (pp. 153-174). New York: Psychology Press.
Ellis, A., & Crawford, T. (2000). Making intimate connections: 7 guidelines for great relationships and better communication. Atascadero, CA: Impact Publishers.
Opotow, S., & Weiss, L. (n.d.). Denial and the Process of Moral Exclusion in Environmental Conflict. stanford.edu. Web. 2000. http://www.stanford.edu/~kcarmel/CC_ BehavChange_Course/readings/Additiona l%20Resources/J%20Soc%20Issues%202000/opotow_2000_8_DENIALCONFLICT_b.p df
Tubbs, S. L. (2013). Human Communication (13th ed.). New York: McGraw-Hill. Segal, Jeanna, and Melinda Smith. Conflict Resolution Skills. HelpGuide.Org, May 2013. Web. 13 Nov. 2013. http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eq8_conflict_resolution.htm
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