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*While giving this interview, Lizzie crashed her car into a car containing the second-, third-,
fourth-, and fth-best remaining woman drivers in America. There were no survivors, and no
other women in America know how to drive. Better luck next year!
The
TOP WOMAN DRI VER
in America
Name: Lizzie Lambert
Age: 33
Hometown: Ann Arbor, Michigan
Number of accidents: 2
Number of fatalities: 1
LIZZIES ESSAY: Even though I was born in the prison that is a womans body, I feel that I have
worked night and day to overcome this living hell of a gender. I played a lot of pool to practice
spatial reasoning. I invested in conservative footwear (two-inch stilettos with studs on the cuff ) so
that my foot would rarely slip off the brake and onto the gas. I took two extra sessions of drivers
ed so that I would be fully prepared to merge on AND off the freeway. I made a real commitment to
putting on my makeup BEFORE I started driving, and if I had to put on makeup while driving
I waited for long stretches of straight road so I could safely take both hands off the wheel. I realized
that Do Not Enter signs were not suggestions, but should be respected as canon. I removed
enough of the Proud Mother of an Honor Student at Rusheld Middle School bumper stickers
that I had plastered the windshield with so that there were two eyeholes to look out through. I
removed all the stuffed animals from the back window except the Spongebob because hes so cute!!!!!
Ive stopped sticking my head out the moonroof as a hair dryer. I started holding the steering wheel
at 10 and 2. I learned to read an analog clock so I could gure out what 10 and 2 means
(so retro!). Ive stopped making my honor student at Rusheld Middle apply my lipstick for me.
Ive stopped tailgating so that I could check out the hair extensions of the gal driver in front of me.
LIZZIES EXPLANATION OF HER FATALITY: I unfortunately totaled my car in my rst drivers-ed
course, but the driving school that I was taking it from was super classy. They took full
responsibility for not teaching me how to merge and, even though I killed my drivers-ed
instructor, they gave me a coupon for two free classes. Im writing this essay during the second
one! Shut up, Mr. Know-It-All teacher, I do what I want!
Amram_Science For Her_FinalQuad_Final.indd 67 9/3/14 2:01 PM