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- D. K., Alexandria, VA
It’s amazingly rewarding to change lives like this.
Because of this and other feedback, I’ve decided to break with tradition and do a more advanced
article and build on last week’s topic. So, apologies in advance if you’re new – we’re going to
get into some intermediate-level theory here.
Previously, we discussed how to turn a Date into a sexual relationship. Now we’ll discuss how
to make sure she shows up in the first place and doesn’t “flake.”
First, ask yourselves this:
• Have you ever made plans with a woman and she didn’t show up?
• Have you ever gotten a phone call earlier that day telling you that she “has to work” or “isn’t
feeling well?”
• Have you ever made plans with a woman and then she told you to “call to confirm?”
If any of that applies to you, you need to really pay attention here. This will banish flakes
forever.
First, let’s review the first four phases of the Emotional Progression part of the Triad Model:
Meet Her (Approaching)
Attract Her (Attraction)
Qualify Her (Qualification)
Build Comfort (Comfort)
The biggest mistake most men make in terms of Dates is going for the phone number as
soon as she is attracted, and not pushing the relationship forward. Then they assume that
the woman will meet them again, and they can continue where they left off, only to get
“flaked.” They never meet up.
Why? Let’s look at the situation from a woman’s perspective:
She goes out to a restaurant with her friends. While waiting at the bar, an interesting man
approaches her. 3-5 minutes later (about how long it should take to get some attraction going),
he asks for her number so they can “hang out sometime.” At that moment, she genuinely would
“hang out” with this man “sometime”...
... but it doesn’t turn out that way.
See, going out “sometime” is different from going out Thursday night. To see her “sometime”
all you have to do is be more interesting than doing nothing. That’s a pretty low standard, so of
course she’ll agree to it. And, if she has nothing else to do, she might actually see you.
However, most worthwhile women rarely have “nothing else to do.”
So, to see her at a specific time, you need to be more interesting than anything else she could be
doing, like friends, hobbies, work, other dates, or relaxing at home. That’s a tough standard to
meet in 3-5 minutes. Especially since over the course of the night she met a bunch of other men.
Did you think you were the only man to notice her? She likes all of the attention and flirting,
but she doesn’t have time to go on 9 dates this week.
The second biggest mistake you can make is to go for the date unnecessarily.
There is nothing in Love Systems or the Triad Model that mandates meeting her again at a
different time (a date). Sure, you may have to, like if you meet her on your lunch break and
have to get back to work, but a lot of guys are used to thinking of getting a woman’s phone
number as something special. It’s not. Phone numbers do not lead to happy social lives;
relationships do.
A phone number is a tool. It’s not a goal. It’s not even an intermediate goal. Don’t ever feel
proud of yourself for getting a phone number.
In a way, a phone number is an admission of failure, even if it’s sometimes an unavoidable
failure. A phone number says “I am not trying to move this relationship forward right now. I
am taking the risk that she will flake and am hoping to continue this later. In the worst case, I
lose the relationship with her. In the best case, she meets me for the date and I’m more or less
where I am now.”
Make sense? A phone number never gains you anything. A date never gains you anything. All
it does is give you another chance to push the relationship forward if the logistics weren’t right
to do so when you met her.
Here’s an example from the bootcamp in LA last weekend. We took the guys to a lounge in
Hollywood and one of them was deep in conversation with Suzanne, a very fit Asian woman.
Suzanne’s friends were happy for her to talk to our guy, because he had already won them over
in Attraction. It was about midnight. There was no time pressure. But when our student “ran
out of things to say” he took her phone number and rejoined us.
This was a bad decision. All the phone number was going to do was help them meet up again to
spend time together. However, they were already in the middle of spending time together.
Psychologically, he wanted to “lock in” what he had “gained” so far: her willingness to give
him her phone number. That’s a rookie mistake.
Of course, we didn’t let him leave Suzanne. We led him back to her with instructions to escalate
until rejection. When the lights came on an hour later, they left to get pizza. And then to go
home together. There was no need for a time bridge.
He made dozens of mistakes in picking up Suzanne. We were watching him the whole time and
went over them the next day. However, because he had the guts to go for it, and because he did
enough things right that he’d learned that day in our seminar, he got the girl.