JOKES A woman lovingly gave her niece a kiss on her cheek upon seeing her at a family get-together.

. Afterwards, she noticed her wiping her cheek. Are you wiping off my kiss? she asked her niece. No, she smartly replied, Im just rubbing it in! Due to a job transfer, Brian moved from his hometown to New York City. Being that he had a very comprehensive health history, he brought along all of his medical paperwork, when it came time for his first check up with his new Doctor. After browsing through the extensive medical history, the Doctor stared at Brian for a few moments and said, Well theres one thing I can say for certain, you sure look better in person than you do on paper! It was Timmys 5th birthday and he was joyfully opening all t he presents he received. He saved the biggest for last, so it took a while until he got to opening Grandmas present. Wow Timmy exclaimed in delight, upon seeing the mini drum set that his Grandmother got for him. Thanks Grandma this is just what I wanted. It was after Timmy went to bed that Timmys mother approached her mother. Ma, Im surprised at you, dont you remember how it used to drive you crazy when we used to play the drums in the house growing up? Grandma smiled and then said I remember, of course I remember.

 Jack strode into Johns Stable looking to buy a horse. Listen here said John, Ive got just the horse you are looking for, the only thing is, it was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesnt go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God. Jack nodded his head, fine with me, can I take him for a test run? Jack was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jack was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead stop! screamed Jack, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. yoyo screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jack suddenly remembered heyhey! Jack screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff. Jack could not believe his good fortune; he looked up to the sky, raised his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction Thank God.

Two children are born on the same day from the same mother but they are not twins. How is that possible? Answer: The two babies are two of a set of triplets. On my way to St. Ives I saw a man with 7 wives. Each wife had 7 sacks. Each sack had 7 cats. Each cat had 7 kittens. Kitten, cats, sacks, wives. How many were going to St. Ives? Answer: Only me. A farmer challenges an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician to fence off the largest amount of area using the least amount of fence. The engineer made his fence in a circle and said it was the most efficient. The physicist made a long line and said that the length was infinite. Then he said that fencing half of the Earth was the best. The mathematician laughed at the others and with his design, beat the others. What did he do? Answer: The mathematician made a small fence around himself and declared himself to be on the outside.

RIDDLES There was this competition where the contestants had to hold 'something'. At the end of the event, the winner was a person who was physically disabled (he had no hands nor any feet)! What was that 'something'? Answer: Breath.

ANECDOTES ONE DAY during his tenure as a professor, Albert Einstein was visited by a student. "The questions on this year's exam are the same as last year's!" the young man exclaimed. "Yes," Einstein answered, "but this year all the answers are different."

 THE SCULPTOR Jacob Epstein tells this story: "When I was doing Professor Albert Einstein's bust he had many a jibe at the Nazi professors, one hundred of whom had condemned his theory of relativity in a book. "Were I wrong," he said, "one professor would have been enough."

LIMERICKS We were painting the church steeple gray. When the wind blew our brushes away. We said to the pastor. "Oh what a disaster!" But he simply replied, "Let us... spray!" There once was a cook from New York, Who said you should always stew pork, He said he once tried, To eat it fried, And claims he would rather chew cork. There was a young lady called Bright, Who could travel far faster than light; she set off one day, in a relative way, and returned home the previous night.

PUNS Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, Err...so how do you drive this thing? Without geometry, life is pointless. She had a photographic memory but never developed it. The thing youre looking for is always found in the last place you look. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant! What did the man who walked into a bar say? Ouch! Why did the boy eat his homework? Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake. Why is the number six so scared? Because seven eight nine! War does not determine who is right only who is left. Take my advice. I dont use it anyway.