Jamie Ondatje Dr.

Sheridan CCSD 563 4 April 2013 Personal Theory of Helping Helping others can be a very difficult thing to do. It requires a great amount of selflessness, patience, and perseverance. But I believe on some level, we all have that innate humanistic trait that makes us want to help a person in need if it is within our power. I also believe that many people have become good at ignoring that inner voice, or have become hardened by too many bad experiences with trying to help others. Nonetheless, I think the people who are still willing to help are so important in allowing trust, optimism, and hope to still survive. Nature of Personhood and Wellness I believe every person must create their own definition of wellness, but I would define a well person as one who is able to give a healthy amount of attention to every facet of life, including the intellectual, social, spiritual, physical, emotional, and mental. Without all of these elements in balance, a person is bound to have some sort of distress. When we reflect on some of our biggest dilemmas, or some of our lowest moments in life, most all of them will come back to some sort of imbalance. If the key to wellness is balance, how can we as helpers guide another person to find their own balance? The fact is, everyones own center point, in which they feel most balanced and fulfilled, is different. Finding balance does not necessarily mean that all parts should be equal. For some, more time with their

family makes them happier than being able to exercise more often, for others, physical fitness is what makes them the most satisfied with themselves. Each persons ideal state of happiness in life is motivated by his or her own unique values, goals, and priorities. This can be influenced by the people they surround themselves with, or even the different value systems that are eminent in different cultures. An effective helper, therefore, must understand the whole person, including their background, their passions, and the influences of those around them, to understand what their idea of wellness is, and how to help them reach it. Nature of Change One of the most frustrating things about being a helper is trying to help someone that just does not seem to want to help themselves. It is difficult to have someone come to you for help because they want to change and then have them not take action to allow for the change to occur. I believe that every person has the ability to change if they really want to. The problem is that people must first be honest enough with themselves to understand why they need to change. They then have to be willing to put in the work it takes to make themselves change. Talking about how to change will not make a person change; it has to be a conscious decision every day to do things differently than they would instinctually do them. There must also be a balance of humility and self-confidence present for an individual to be able to change. Being able to change begins with having the humility to admit that change is needed. At the same time, however, it takes self-confidence for a person to believe that they really do have the power to change. The community they choose to surround themselves with can inhibit or promote change. A

community that enables or encourages unhealthy behavior, or any other type of behavior a person is trying to change will ultimately slow the progression of change, or stop it altogether. A supportive community, on the other hand, can be a healthy environment for change to occur, as it offers a balance of challenge and support in the process of trying to change. Long-term change also takes a great amount of patience and perseverance from the person trying to change, as well as the helper. There needs to be an understanding from both parties that change will not happen overnight; it is a gradual process that takes a lot of conscious effort and is often a daily challenge. There also must be an understanding that the person trying to change is bound to slip up sometimes. It is much easier to fall into old, comfortable habits than it is to adhere to new ones. This is a crucial point for the helper to be able to validate the persons concerns, frustrations, and doubts, but also to offer encouragement for the person to continue to try to change, knowing it will be a slow, but worthwhile process. Nature of Helping In student affairs this type of understanding is gained by building trust with a student through a genuine, caring relationship with them. Because students are still developing and trying to figure out what their own definition of happiness is, this type of helping can also require some interpretation and perceptiveness on the part of the helper. However, it is important to keep in mind the delicate balance between interpreting and assuming. It is important that the student feels they are able to confide in the helper without judgment and that they have the power to define

themselves, rather than the helper drawing their own conclusions. It is also important for the helper to allow the student to come to their own realizations, rather than doing all of the critical thinking for them. This is where crucial growth happens, and students are able to understand their power to work through their own issues, while defining their own set of adult values. One of the most challenging things about helping students is that you have to be prepared to answer lifes biggest questions at any given time. Sharon Daloz-Parks lists many of these questions that young people ask, which all deal with the idea of faith, purpose, and meaning-making. College is the time when students transition from being adolescents to being adults. This change brings about many questions about the type of person they want to become, how their life goals may be different than those of their parents or their friends, and how their current choices and actions can lead them closer toward the future they desire, or further away from it. The most challenging part about this as a helper is that there is not one set of clear answers to these questions. The key to helping them develop is helping them answer these questions themselves, and it can take a long time, and a lot of poor choices before they arrive at their answers. An effective student affairs helper will be able to provide students with confidence in themselves and reassurance, even when they are not sure of their decisions. Theoretical Knowledge There is no one counseling theory that fully encompasses my ideas about helping students, but there are elements from each that have helped me to shape my

own theory of helping, and that I believe will allow me to better help students in my future career in student affairs. The elements of Cognitive Behavior Therapy that stand out to me as being useful in helping students are that the relationship between the helper and student is collaborative, and the therapy techniques are present-centered and the actionfocused (Reynolds, 2009, p. 85). I believe these techniques would work well on students because they are likely to feel more comfortable and more empowered if they feel they have an equal role in solving their own problem, rather than being told exactly what to do by an authority figure. This approach is also much healthier for their own development by helping them learn to problem solve on their own. Focusing on the present moment and focusing on action-based solutions would appeal to students because they usually have so much going on in their lives that it can be difficult for them to look beyond the present moment. Helping them figure out immediate steps they can take to better their situation will seem much more attainable than a longer, slower process. Solution Focused Therapy and Person-Centered Theory both encourage the helper to get to know the student and relate to them while providing support and encouragement (Reynolds, 2009, p. 88). Both theories also focus on showing the student that they have the power to create goals for themselves and change. I think these approaches would be effective for helping college students because I believe the most effective helping relationships begin with understanding, which leads to trust. Also, encouraging the student to have confidence in their own decisions will help them continue to strengthen their critical thinking and problem-solving skills.

I think the Systems Family Theory could be more useful than I originally thought it would be to helping students. As I reflect on some of my most challenging personal dilemmas in college, many of them related back to my struggle of separating myself from my parents. This theory could aid me in helping students with similar issues, including differentiation of self and emotional cutoff. Separation from family is a prominent issue for many younger students, and it can bring up a lot of inner conflict that is difficult for the student to sort out on their own. This theory could also be helpful in guiding the student through other group conflicts, which can mirror family conflict, such as roommate issues, team conflict, or challenges with group projects. I could apply some of the principles of Feminist Theory to helping underserved and underrepresented students specifically, as this theory validates all forms of oppression and seeks to empower the client to define themselves and create change in their environment (Reynolds, 2009, p. 94). This theory could also be useful in helping students work through self-doubt and pressure to conform, as it focuses on the strengths of the client and encourages them to create their own sense of identity. From learning about all of these theories, I have established some the characteristics I want to exhibit as a helper and some of the techniques that I believe will be most effective for me to help students. If I were to create my own principles of helping, they would include: building a trusting and open relationship with the student; offering unconditional, non-judgmental support, while being able to challenge the student in areas where they need change; reminding the student that

they have the power to define themselves, their values, and to begin to solve their own problems. Lastly, I would include assuring the student that it is okay for them to not have all of the answers all at once, and that it is okay to ask for help. Self-Knowledge I never thought about student affairs as a helping profession; I had always considered it to be a student development profession. But what I realized after taking this course is that student development usually begins in the form of a helping relationship. I believe I possess some of the skills necessary to be an effective helper, but there is still a lot of room for experience and growth for me in this area as well. I feel that I am approachable to all students and I hope that I come off as trustworthy and non-judgmental, since I would feel comfortable helping all types of students. It is fairly easy for me to come up with goals, steps, or solutions to help them with their issues, but it is difficult for me to refrain from telling them exactly what the solution is. I have been working on this by trying to make suggestions for different approaches they could take, and having them help come up with possible solutions, without telling them exactly what it is they should do. This is particularly challenging for me when it seems that there is a very clear and simple solution to their issue that they are not seeing or just not pursuing. However, I have come to realize that it is important for me to step back and let them do the critical thinking to get to that point. I believe one of my strengths is being able to provide positive support and encouragement for students and point out to them how they are making progress. It is still uncomfortable for me to challenge and confront students when necessary, but it is also something I am working on. My natural

instinct as a helper is to use my own personal experience to try to help students facing similar issues, but I have also learned to refrain from sharing those experiences unless they ask about it directly, since I want to remain focused on their issue and understand that their course of action may be different than the one I chose to take.