WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT

THEFRIENDSHIPISSUE
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AND TPYICALLY A LOT OF MISSPELLINGS TOO (WE FIRED OUR PROOFREADERS) WE LIKE INAPPROPRIATE HAND GESTURES, FIGS & ANTIQUATED MORALS. SLOW MOTION.
FAILED HOPES &
DISENCHANTMENT
POETRY & PROSE 15-17.
CONFESSIONAL 18.
THINGS OVERHEARD 19.
THE GUEST LIST 20.
CONTENTS
HOROSCOPES 2.
FRIENDSHIP 4.
.
CHARACTERISTIC

...1
...4
...4








WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT THEMARCHISSUE
SPONSORED BY FRIENDSHIP
13
STRANGE BEHAVIOR
ARIES - Its almost your time to shine.
Make sure youre at your shiniest. No,
Im not telling you to shave your legs.
Meditate and get that heart rate go-
ing. Youre a ball of fre and people
either love you or hate you so dont
worry about impressing everyone, they
already know everything about you,
loose lips. No Im not referring to your
pussy. Do you ever stop talking? Shut
your mouth, stop being such a puss
and dive into the super-conscious this
month. For your sake, not some lame
guys. Yes, we know hes hot, but-- no
Im not saying you have bad tasteno
thats not what--meh forget it.
TAURUS - Okay, youve had your cake
and eaten your angsty cake too. No-
body wants your fucking cake. And
if they did they probably only want a
piece or even a taste of the icing you
selfsh motherfucker. Stop being such
a possessive bitch, youre getting fat.
This month its time to either reap what
you sow or fnd something else to hog.
Maybe itll help you lose weight.
GEMINI - Youre doing a great job be-
ing the good twin, but we still dont trust
you. Thats okay because you dont
trust us either, you just trust your own
judgment. Yeah, I said it, youre judg-
mental. No youre not? Heh, okay. How
does that saying goIf you have to say
it, its probably not true. Your doppel-
ganger is lurking in the shadows. Make
sure when he comes out that youve
checked all your facts and resources.
Fox News isnt a resource.
CANCER - Its almost spring and the
snow is melting! If snow was a real thing
in Missouri. Oh global warming. Take
advantage of our fuck-ups as a species,
let the children and spouse breathe, and
do what you love to do best this month,
you over-bearing mother spirit. CLEAN!
CLEAN! CLEAN! Inside and out. So we
dont have to attend your childs funeral
when they spill milk. Just kidding-- you
totally have to. Funeral, funeral, death
& dying; do you feel better now, like
things are in perspective? Pussy.
LEO - Youre not going to die. Its just
an ego. The thing grows just as rapidly
as it defates. I know February was a
rough month for you since your arch
nemesis was top dog, but this month
things should go back to the way it
used to be when people wanted to give
you money to suck your dick. Hold tight
and get your beauty sleep, Jim Jones
II. And maybe take some antibiotics for
that Chlamydia. Take a trip. Meet wild
women. Have fun. Or continue to suck;
whatever.
VIRGO - Baby. I feel for you. You feelin
stuck and you just want to spread those
legsI mean wings. Heres my advice.
I know you see Pisceans as vial sloppy
creatures--its true, they are--but theyre
on their A-game this month. Take notes.
Youre hot and no one expects the timid
virgin to take her clothes off at the par-
ty. Go crazy. You deserve it. Its not like
anyone else has the balls to party on.
Cocoaine. You know what I mean. Drug
addict.
HOROSCOPES
EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT
THE FUTURE BUT WERE TOO BUSY TO ASK
2 LICENTIOUSDIVINATIONS
power of
the pussy
LIBRA - Hmmm Hmmmm Oh!
No wellll Hmmm Everyone else:
MAKE A DECISION ALREADY! Yeah, I
know its not that easy, but Jesus Christ
heres a fucking coin, now lets all get on
with our lives. Your indecision doesnt
just effect you. Wed rather die from
your wrong decision than wait so god
damn long. This month is the perfect
time to see beyond the mirror. Youre
pretty but you cant fuck a mirror.
SCORPIO - The time has come Scor-
pio. We know youre always right. So be
a little wrong. Youll still make fools out
of us. Well be all like yada yada I know
what to expect out of Scorpio at this
point. Then youll be all like bitches
no you dont when you sting the shit
out of us. Youre bored. So do some-
thing productive and play sadist rather
than masochist this month. Dont worry
about hurting the ones you love, you do
all the time with your sharp glares and
put downs. If theyre still around they
obviously get off on licking your boots.
SAGITTARIUS - Please stop making
excuses. You left because youre an op-
portunist who pretends to care about
feelings, but get too caught up in the
whys and whats of life to care about
anything so meaningless. Thats what
we love about you. But at least fnd
someone else to feed my fsh if youre
going to run off with Rico. I loved that
fsh. Youll never be the God-parent to
my child. Show more consideration this
month.
CAPRICORN - Everyone is laughing
at you. Its not because your fy is un-
zipped. Its because your face is pur-
ple. Loosen up that tie. And dont worry
about your fy. We like your cock. Its
straight and narrow, but when its so out
in the open it gives the illusion that you
have an open mind. Forget about facts
and numbers this month. The ones you
want to bone dont give a shit anyhow.
Dont do it. Dont care. You trash mam-
mal you.
AQUARIUS - Brrr! Close the window!
Oh, wait, its just Aquarius. Last month
it was your birthday and you cried when
and if you damn well wanted to. This
month we want to cry. Youre an an-
droid disguised as a humanitarian. Your
robot brain cant process feelings, but
at least fake it, or tell us a joke after
you fuck us then ignore our calls. Well
laugh and wear long sleeves the next
time we visit you in order to hide the
gashes on our arms from cutting our-
selves while looking at your picture.
PISCES - jqefkjsd;ka;dfk;sdafmklnw
e90329i23ikoewo0weofsamkskdskf
lfsmsm. Youre too drunk to read this
anyways. Happy birthday. Please dont
die.*Bloop bloop bloop*
How are you going to write
about friendship? You only have one
friend, and youre a dick to him. - my
friend
Thats Matt. Ive known him
for thirteen years now, I guess. The
frst time we hung out, something was
wrong with my computer at home. He
offered to come fx it. He had an enor-
mous bag of Fritos because his doctor
told him his cholesterol was too high,
and Fritos dont have any cholesterol I
guess.
Anyway, he kept rocking back
and forth, furiously typing on the key-
board at an impossible rate, and shov-
ing fstful after fstful of Fritos into his
mouth. Once it became apparent that
the computer repair was easily within
the grasp of his technical skills he be-
gan chanting, Im a genius! Im a
genius! Im a genius! and with the f-
nal keystroke he jammed one more
load of corn chips into his hideous
maw and amended his chant to, IM
FAAAAAAAAAAAT! And thats when
I knew that I had to be this guys best
friend for life.
Friendship? Youre going to
write about friendship? You? OH! Im
your friend! You should write about
me! - my friend. I do have several.
That would be Jessica. Shes
pretty much the best. We met on a
dating site a couple years ago. Our
frst encounter involved drinking a lot
of beer and then her helping me pick
out an hors doeuvres tray for a party
I was on my way to. (Yes, I can be civil
and bring an hors doeuvres tray to a
party. Im not an ANIMAL!) Jessica has
a lot of tattoos and paints zombies and
monsters in her free time. She is liter-
ally a master of friendship, as evinced
in our continued connection. I am not
an easy person to stay friends with for a
long period of time. I hate pretty much
everyone and fnd almost all of the
people I dont hate boring, and then
theres that tiny, bizarre section of hu-
manity who are actually endearing and
interesting to me. Bizarre, interesting,
and endearing is a very good way to
describe Jessica.
I dont care what other people
said. Lets do this thing. Ask me some
questions, man. - Jean-Paul Dash, the
homeless girl I had no choice but to
take in. Roommates (except where I
pay all the rent and bills) since Novem-
ber, 2011. I guess her part is an inter-
view.
Me: How would you describe our
friendship in 100 words or less?
JPD: I always wondered what it would
be like if I was, like, trapped inside of
some sort of a bunker or something
with someone, and you got to know
each other that way. Thats kind of
what its like. I always pictured, like, a
cylinder, like a 2001 Space Odyssey
tube were stuck in together, and thats
how you get to know each other. Thats
what I imagine.
Me: What does friendship mean to
you?
JPD: Friendship means someone I vol-
untarily spend time with.
Me: So not me.
JPD: I could avoid you more if I wanted
to. SMOKE THE WEED YOU RETARDS!
ITS A FUCKING SHOW ABOUT HIGH
SCHOOL! (She is watching Freaks and
Geeks, which Ive never seen, but ap-
parently they dont smoke the weed
enough.)
Do you want to write a paper
for me? - my friend
Thats Downstairs Jess. Shes
called that because her name is Jess,
and she lives downstairs from me. In-
cidentally, she brought me some beer
with the devil on the label. Thats cool.
If you bring me devil beer, I will be
your friend.
FRIENDSHIP
Yeti Detective
ian Punch does taste the same coming
back up, - my friend.
Jordan. I met Jordan in kinder-
garten. We were separated frst grade
through fourth, then back together
in ffth and sixth grade. I learned that
the kid who lived behind me in grade
school was Jordans cousin. The frst
time he came over to my house he
fxed our toilet. My mom was very im-
pressed. Its weird, how a toilet can
make or break a frst impression.
I spent almost every week-
end at his house, or with him at mine,
from eighth grade through high school
graduation. We were together the frst
time either of us had a swarm of po-
lice offcers pointing guns at our heads.
(Aside: Matt from paragraph 1 was also
present at this event.) Ah, youths little
adventures.
When my parents would kick
me out in my teen years, Jordans fam-
ily always took me in. They kind of
showed me what its like to have a fam-
ily. Im not sure if they know about the
swarm of police thing, now that I think
about it. Thats probably for the best.
Jordan and I began to grow in
different directions after high school.
That is to say, he continued to grow
in a direction as a person with roots
is wont, while I began to fing and fy
about like a pricked balloon. We still
talk occasionally, and I think he might
be the only person whos been inside
of every dwelling Ive ever inhabited
for more than a month. I hope he thinks
back about our friendship as fondly as I
do.
Finally, no discourse of mine on
the topic of friendship would be com-
plete without mention of Teigan. I met
Teigan when I was 17, working at the
library. She was an intensely interest-
ing introvert with long, purple hair. I
had been in an extremely destructive
relationship with someone whos name
I no longer speak, and meeting Teigan
helped me realize, Hey. I can defnite-
If you bring me drugs, I will
be your friend. My friendship comes
at a price, and that price tends to be
depravity. I dont like normal people.
Crazy people at least have an excuse.
Society is racist, misogynistic, and
homophobic among other, horrible
things. Society is a monster. If you are
living a life that society condones, you
are complicit to monsterhood in my
opinion. I dont really know what that
means, but all of the drugs and booze
have kicked in at this point, so let me
tell you something about friendship.
This is probably the most de-
pressing topic Ive ever written about
for this zine. Because I love my friends.
I really do, for whatever love means
to my sick, twisted, ashen little heart.
And Im leaving them soon. Im moving
away to the Space Coast of Florida. Its
not as cool as it sounds. I used to live
there when I was just a little pre-teen,
and Baywatch came on the television
right after Power Rangers. I referred to
this time as my Special Hour. Nobody
had better have bothered me dur-
ing my Special Hour, lest they witness
abominations most foul.
Ill make new friends, because
I always make new friends. Im very lik-
able for some reason. And Ill maintain
contact via the many instant electronic
methods available to us in this shim-
mering technological utopia we inhabit
called The Future. But the passing
away of the era of my life where I lived
in Kansas City, in the Newbern Hotel
Apartments, is an event that saddens
me.
I need a new beginning,
though. Ive needed one for a long
time. It will probably be horrible, and
Ill almost certainly fuck it up, because
everything is always horrible, and I
always fuck everything up, but some-
times its good to fuck up from scratch.
Lets reach back now, to an ancient
friendship.
Dude, you were right. Hawai-
5
ly be attracted to other people. Other
people are an option. Excellent.
Our firtation only lasted about
two weeks and ended with her punch-
ing me in the face and dropping an,
Its never gonna happen, chump, let-
ter in my lap. Since that time, we have
had many adventures. One time, we
accidentally smoked PCP while Return
to Oz was playing. I dont recommend
that, but at least we invented macaroni
and peas due to the intervention of a
talking dog.
Teigans apartment was the frst
place I ever made out with a drunk boy
with a creeper stache. Because our
motto is, Friends dont let friends, aw,
fuck it. Thisll be a funny story later.
When Teigan met her now-hus-
band Marshall, himself a dear friend,
and the actual human analogue of a
peach, I was honored when they asked
me to use my holy powers to marry
them to each other, and not to inani-
mate objects (which I am permitted to
do, according to the rules and customs
of my religion.)
In closing, dear reader; Friend-
ship, to me, is the only like family I
have ever known. Family, in fact, is a
flthy word, a word to be feared, com-
pared to Friend. My friends are all the
very best kind of people to exist. And
if you fuck with my friends, I will visit
horrors upon you the likes of which
your feeble, human nightmares are ill-
equipped to conceive of or cope with.
TELL US A
SECRET
AT WHATWHITEELEPHANT@
GMAIL.COM
SUBMIT
YOUR OPINIONS, MISGUIDED
JUDEGEMENTS, AWKWARD
SCHOOL PHOTOS, STUFF &
THINGS, BABIES! APPLICA-
TIONS, HOPES OR FEARS,
POSTCARDS FROM BORING
LOCALES & OTHER GENERAL
INQUIRES TO
WHATWHITEELEPHANT@
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BE FEATURED IN AN
UPCOMING ISSUE...
PROBABLY NOT THOUGH
1. Wait until at least April, when the
ground softens. Just kidding-- go to your
favorite local strip club.
2. (BONUS) You dont actually have to go
there IF youre there now.
3. Listen. Is someone coming? Har har. Ac-
tually, get some coke. Strippers love coke.
4. Why didnt you bring any coke? What do
you mean you dont know where to fnd
any-- this is America dummy, open your
fucking eyes.
5. In case you dont have coke, you could
always opt for speed or bath salts. Minus
-1000 points if the only intoxicant you
have is booze..
6. Get that coke/speed/balt salt/booze
whore sufciently trashed.
7. Smuggle her to Vegas, hire the cheapest
Elvis impersonating justice of the peace
you can fnd..
8. You just married a stripper! Bingo! Now
sit back and enjoy the rewards of never
having to wash your boxers again!
Getting the Stripper Girlfriend
You Always Wanted
7
ACROSS

3 A term meaning to lose consciousness due to a persons over
consumption of GHB
6 In which country did the poets Keats and Shelley both die?
8 Americas 37th President
11 A term used to describe a friend you use
13 Youre actually full of it
14 Flaming passageway
16 A term used to describe a friendship based on mutual pleasure
and interest
18 This months theme
20 Harvy Dent
21 A man, a plan, a canal
22 The Infamous Yeti ____

DOWN

1 A term closeted frat boys use to describe their friendships that seem
really gay
2 Phrase used to describe a long term friendship, or mutually respectful
relationship
4 Not really your friend, more like a person you know
5 What your vagina used to be
7 The friend you have that you always ask why youre friends with them .
9 What star sign is shared by Tommy Lee Jones and Oliver Stone?
10 Last months theme
12 Attached at the hip
15 Our favorite pachyderm
17 Hungarian inventor whose multicolored, rotatable cube became a
world cult
19 Youre full of it
oh hey-- a crossword
Lithiums Lifetime:
4.4x10^-22s
Ive been watching these girls and eavesdrop-
ping. Initially the girl facing me was talking about
a Lady Gaga video and how much she likes Jer-
sey Shore, but it seemed to me, she was trying
to distance herself from stereotypes. The other
girl seems to be the meek, want-to-ft-in-so-all-
-stay-silent-and-listen-raptly type. Then I hear
Girl 1 say, So our parents are getting married,
whats up with that? So are they table step-
sisters getting to know each other, or am I just
completely misinformed and way of?
(ed. sidenote: Thats really intriguing.)
Is tonight the night to be an observer? Im not
really sure how I feel about walking around and
seeing friends. Im content sitting here for the
moment. I defnitely dont want to be out in the
cold with my frozen turtle. This bitch next to me
is wearing shorts, though. And Sirius Black is
here. Fat Sirius.
Butchcat Bitchmouth
8 AFEWSCRIBBLES
FRIENDS&ALLIES 9
IhadonefriendwhenIwaslittle.
I lived in the middle of a cul-de-sac (the
same cul-de-sac where I found a turtle
crawling on the lawn one night and ex-
pectedittobetherethenextmorningbe-
cause turtles are slow. The same cul-de
sac where my step-mom taught me to
pedal a bike by shoving my legs up and
down),andmygoodfriendwastheginger
kidacrosstheway.Ivisitedhimoftenand
wesharedourobsessionsofthemoment
(minewasalwaysdinosaurs).Hewasal-
ways kind and happy to see me, and his
homelifewasdevoidoftheunendingrants
andargumentsmydadandstepmomgot
into.
We didnt live there long. My
parents said I could visit this mythical Ur-
Friend,butIknewitwouldntbethesame.
Icutmylosses.
Despitesomechildhoodsuccess,
noonesquitemeasureduptothatguy.I
did gain some artsy friends and Woah
lookatthatthingletstouchitfriends.You
know,thekindwhotellyouitscooltodrink
lake water then freak out when you do it
because thats how you die? They were
aroundandtheywerentbadpeople.
The real change came in high
school, when I began to compartmental-
ize. To collect. Team sports were a di-
saster,butImadeAlliesoftheteammates
who got bullied alongside me. I gleaned
Professors from my classes and Activity
Partnersfrommymartialartsgroups(this
tradition continues today with my band
friends, who have often become Real
Friends).GamerGeekskeptmyweekends
safeandpredictable,andloosetiesindif-
ferentschoolcliquesdidthesameduring
the week. The result of these allegiances
provided a secure framework for me to
movethroughoutmylife.
Iwashorriblyunsatisfied.
FRIENDS & ALLIES
Eventually, my skills began to
grow.Fromthemassesofconveniental-
lies, a few tropes emerged that I latched
onto or that latched on to me, perhaps.
The Gushing Enthusiasts were good - I
didntevenhavetotalk!SamewiththeIm-
passioned Rebels. This let me be part of
thesituationandgainrespectbylistening.
(Thisbecomesatheme).Ievenmetsome
Bona Fide Virtuosos in high school. I see
them in the internet and they still inspire
metoday.
Through mutual understanding
and tolerance, one of my Gamer Geek
friends has become an Arguing Buddy.
The heat of years has transmuted our
relationship from lead to finest tin. And
weve got a lot to argue about. Hes a
DINK who rents; Im single income, mar-
ried with a kid, and own a big frickin
house. He lives in fear of Fake Geek
Girls; I know hes a dumbass. He thinks
people with Aspergers are picky; and I
want to riddle his face with stab wounds.
Werefriends!
I met my Addict/Genius Co-Conspirator
throughmywife,astheyhavebeenfriends
forages.Heisayeti.Hewritesforzines.
My Best Friend And Wife is the
center-stone of my glistening friendship
diadem. We gush about our obsessions,
dissect media in its many forms. Were
bothartsy.Andwebothoohandahhover
simple little stuff. It is a very good match
andIhopethatwhoeveryoumarryisyour
bestfriend.Itfuckingrocks.
But friends potential friends
my diadem is not yet complete. I would
have more of these friends. If you wish
toapply,followthislink.Haveyourspecial
interests in mind and provide a very brief
biography.Andifyourentryispoorlywrit-
ten
I will gloss it over and you will be culled
fromthewheatlikesomuchchaff.
The Ur-Friends reach was more
vastthanevenIknow.Thevoidremains.
Theabsencehungers.
Marshall Edwards
UNTITLED
He was driving a Suburban down a
dark highway late at night to see how well it
worked; hed pulled the dipstick out to find no
oil on it. What the fuck. It wasnt his Subur-
ban, but it wasnt really a Suburban. It was
his dads, and it was a gas hog. Hed slept in
the back of it a couple of nights, and found
it to be good to spend time with girls while
staying sorta under the radar. It had room for
stuff, and cars tried to avoid it. Letting the en-
gine seize up wasnt a good way to repay his
dad for letting him borrow the thing, though.
Oil in it, and another detail, and the beast
was at it again. Once it found its sweet spot
in between the gas glitch, itd tear down the
highway like it wanted to get there. This is
all besides the point. The point is, it makes
the boy feel good, to know he isnt being the
bane. Not only that, but just accomplishing
something simple always has its merit. He
liked to make his dad happy.
His dad was useful to have on his
side. It made things go easier for him. His
dad was the closest thing to a support that
he had. Thats because he was a support. He
knew about cars and liked them, he owned a
house with a family in it, he paid for food and
talked about politics. His dad kept things go-
ing. He also had some want to prove himself,
but more to himself than to his dad. That time
had passed, for the better. His dad wasnt the
one who has to live with every consequence.
Abby is my character. He is me, ac-
tually. I suppose there wont be any fooling
around with it. Its obvious that he is me. But
hes a good kind of me, as he goes through
fictional events. With fictional characters,
and I can make everyones decision. And not
everything can work out for Abby, because
a novel without conflict isnt a story. Abby
might be driving down the highway, enjoy-
ing the new found oil pressure in pure ap-
preciation, and not get out of the way of a car
coming at him, but till the last second so then
he can drive through the middle strip doing
50mph and bouncing up and down, having a
hellish ride in a Suburban that belongs to his
dad. Thats not really bad, thats not much
conflict, as the consequences will likely fall
10
Guy Debord
on the guy running across roads, and its not
going to happen, anyway.
But if it did, Abby would probably be
going a bit faster, if this happened as he was
getting it with the Suburban, and the mo-
ment the wheels crossed over into the grass
and started bumping the truck, Abbys heart
would jump in his throat, and his midsection
would be tensed up. The Suburban would
aggressively tumble through the wet moist
mounds of dirt, over the uneven ground
just playing hell with up-down motion of the
shocks, violently tossing the innards of the
truck around. He would probably be on the
brake a little, and if paying attention, knowing
exactly how far he had to get stopped before
falling onto a road below, or whatever other
terrible thing happens in this situation. But
its not happening. Abby is ok, and is driving
down the highway.
Everything was quite ok enough on
the Suburban, Abby apparently decided. He
got off the highway through an exit just a little
further than he really needed to go. Abby
liked driving, though, and he had gas money.
So there were no worries about it, more just
the enjoyment of seeing his town one more
time. He drove down familiar roads, the
path between his moms and his grandmas,
which previously was the path between his
elementary school and Grandmas. His town
was definitely his town, he didnt have to
divide his affection between it and another
town. He knew lots of people as they walked
by his sight, which is pretty good in a town its
size. Bla bla, it was his town.
On one road, a few months before
this night, there was a dead animal that peo-
ple kept running over going one way down
the road. It was in the road under the drivers
side tires, going north. People kept running
over it and over it, and on this night Abby
could still see the sixty foot long, black trail of
tiny animal pieces worked into the crevices
of the road. The putridity had wafted away a
while ago, though.
Once Abby got home, which was
Grandmas, he parked the Suburban in a
place out of the way of his cousins car. She
always left early, so there was no time for
nostalgic feelings of family being in Grand
Central during these occasions. Those days
were few and far between, anyways. Abby
was older and not as susceptible to viewing
seeing his family as a really astonishing thing
anymore, as he knew lots of people at this
point. Like people at work, and the people he
sees that he recognizes and people that he
knows. The ones in his town. They, and ex-
periences with them, took away the sanctity
and reverence he had for family being in fam-
ilys presence. Abbys heart wasnt where it
used to be. It wasnt in his throat anymore.
His family wasnt the access to the world
anymore.
Abby got inside the house through
the garage, as always. First to his room to put
everything where it should be. It was a rou-
tine to bring in the things that hed acquired
in his vehicle that day. That night it included
his backpack, which was normal, his guitar, a
few pairs of pants and some dirty socks. Hed
slept in the Suburban a couple of nights be-
fore and had a couple of clothing items that
usually werent there. He put some clothes
away, the clothes his grandma had washed
for him. He put his guitar in the same corner
with the strings facing the wall. Someone had
mentioned how it would make sense that it
would keep the neck in better condition. He
put his cigarettes and matches under his box-
ers in the top, leftmost drawer. He didnt want
his grandma seeing them, even though it
was no secret he liked tobacco. They werent
too heartbroken over it, anyway, not when
their baby was getting away from the drugs
and alcohol. His life was going better without
the influence of chemicals and past friends.
He still smoked pot, and still drank from time
to time. I guess he hadnt really gotten away
from all the chemicals, but he didnt want to
be a quitter. Things had changed, though.
Hed managed to learn in difficult ways why
a person doesnt need to be fucked up all
of the time. Why life goes better whenever
he was navigating it with better brain chemi-
cals. You know, the things that are good for
a person to realize. Good comes from avoid-
ing obstacles, usually. Except you dont get
that whole lesson thing. Lessons that are re-
peated arent exactly beneficial, though. And
Abby, as you will soon enough see, is still in
the mood for learning certain lessons.
Sitting on his bed at Grandmas,
he pulls out his backpack, and pulls out a
notebook. He wanted a notebook with things
from his English class, he was in the mood
to write simply about writing, but it was gone.
It was the first notebook hed lost in quite a
while, and it made him make a disgusted
face, and made him rash through his back-
pack, and rush out to his Suburban to have
a look around. He thought the world was
stupid for a moment as he got back inside;
he settled down again and nestled into writ-
ing in his largely unused notebook. He wrote
about writing, and pondered how someone
could sit down and write about a particular
universe for such a long time, as long of time
as say, 200 pages. He began to understand
how much content it is, and pondered what
people go through to get it just right, or if
people just learned to call it right even with a
number of things they would change if theyd
only taken the time. And how many of these
things, had they been changed, would not
have a chance to add their flavor to the book.
He wondered how writers pulled so much
stuff from their ass all the time, and how far
out of the way they would go to take a piece
of inspiration and throw it in a novel. He be-
gan to wonder just how jank and screwed up
the world was, for choosing the authors they
chose as good authors.
He put his notebook down, and laid
back on the bed. It was a bed with a head-
board that contained a mirror, and a light in
the center. The light was on, on the bed, and
the ceiling fan was on, as always. He toyed
with the idea of turning on the tape he had
in the tape player, but opted to take the con-
siderate option, as his cousin and her new
husband were one wall away. He rolled over,
off the bed, to brush his teeth, stuffing his dry
rag into his back pocket. Brushing teeth was
something that made Abby happy, even if he
never looked forward to it. He liked feeling
the inside of his mouth, and the sensations
afterward, both tangible and conceptual,
made every bit of energy worth it.
Back in his room, Abby finally sheds
his clothes completely, short of a pair of
shorts, and crawls under the covers to turn
off the light. In the darkness, he lets his head
find a comfortable part of the pillow as he be-
gins to lose his mind to thoughts of priests
keeping the dinosaurs fresh for the ritzes
whom will be paying off their new marriage
chapel.
O
12
THE
CONSE-
QUENCE
OF NOT
MEETING
A DEAD-
LINE
The current state of human social-
ization is a fucking eye sore. Dont get me
wrong there are completely valid reasons
why we do it. But its pretty bad when we
call another individual up, that may or may
not provide decent conversation, ask them
if they would like to catch up over a bev-
erage of sort, and yet it would be weird to
do this without the beverage in the offer. I
think that may be the sign of the magnitude
of the friendship, is whether the invitation
includes an activity or refreshment. Now I
realize that I am as much of the problem
as I am the solution. But as a small child
I lay awake at night listening to the distant
lull of police sirens and screams of mysteri-
ous panic and ease my mind of the stressful
thoughts of the long day. I would fantasize
about all the world has to offer and all that
I would someday do. I built a thousand fan-
tasies of the night and who and what my life
would look like in those evenings surround-
ed by alluring magical atmospheres of prom-
ise, smokey seduction, and always intriguing
individuals.
I lived them all out in the span of
six months and then spent years coming up
with new ones. Thats what this culture has
done to our relationships and life in general,
its that kind of place. It brings out those
kinds of people. You know the ones Im
talking about, theres no reason to act like
you dont. Because most of the time youre
the one that seeks them out even when you
will never admit it. I would like to say that
friendships have increased the value of life
and rewarded me with fond memories and
lifelong companionship. Though they have
done a damn better job than any of my ro-
mantic relationships have, friendships in
general have just tended to give me more
trust issues and add to my cynicism.
I have often found that the one
place I can escape to when my soul aches
for real companionship is bars. I like bars.
Bars are a honest place in the most dishon-
est way. You get to see people for who they
Handful Of Euphemisms
are and all the raw pulsating bits that make
them appealing or not. Women thrust their
true intentions, men swear there real prom-
ises, and false faces never last long. Idioms
become transparent extremely exaggerated
and irritating. Lies come out obvious, lum-
bering, naked and wet as the tongue that
speaks them. And I god damn love it.
Having a friendship can offer many differ-
ent positive aspects as well as bad. For in-
stance, you have someone else that makes
you feel slightly less awkward about the
weird shit you do. You will have someone to
drag to the dark pits of fucked up with you
and they wont usually complain much. But
most importantly of all its great free therapy,
because im too broke for that shit and my
friends most of the time fnd me entertain-
ing enough to provide the kindness of listen-
ing.
I also have come to notice that a
group of people that care about your general
well-being tend to act as great general con-
science. If most of the people that you allow
into your daily life dont agree upon certain
actions of yours or the amount of those ac-
tions, or the thing your currently humping
false emotions into-there is probably a rea-
son. I sure as hell can sheepishly agree on
that one. Even though I grumble profanities
and hatred to their better judgment, truth is
every time I have chosen to ignore the ad-
vice of my friends on whatever fame I am
obsessively checking my phone for. Well, let
just say it has always ended in some fery
blundering whirl of shitstorms and a horrif-
cally violent death of character in the most
biblical of proportions.
No matter how old we get false
friends can put huge gaping holes in our
hearts and rip chunks from our confdence.
At the end of the day these people dont de-
serve our friendship, let alone the power to
hurt us. Yet they do, because at one point
we were convinced enough of whatever cha-
rade they may have charmed their ways into
our lives with, like a cobra with its hood fat-
tened and hid from view. We hear a million
times that it is completely natural to want
people in our lives and its completely natu-
ral to feel hurt when we are wronged by said
people.
But then why is it not natural to
then have what I believe to be highly real-
whats a
good title?
14
istic expectations for new encounters and
mature modest walls that are kept up for
the safety of all parties involved until the
said relationship is proven not to be a bad
idea. At the end of all this assortment of
babbling I do not have a single answer for
you, my friends. In fact quite the opposite I
suddenly feel the need to blow up my phone
and all the contacts in it and and then move
onto facebook, myspace (yes that is still
a thing) and the laptop itself for fear that
someone may contact me via interwebs. Be-
cause despite all the good that this world
has to offer, it has equally as much agony
and heart ache. The very fact that we are
programmed to want brings suffering. But
that is where I fnd optimism, because with-
out suffering we cannot grow stronger. That
is the real reason for friendships and we
will never escape it. So go out and be as
weird and fucked up as you want, there are
a million fsh in the ocean to help shape the
character of your resilience.
Handful Of Euphemisms
POETRY
.,
dedicated to all who have ever been saved in any way by someone
Julie Schreffler
I, a broken hull, with
mast
impotent
in the windless
rainless
storm, Compass
spinning madly pointing
me in circles. Meanwhile
The albatross hangs
limply as a garrote
not yet tightened
around my neck. The ropes
have all rotted through
those that tied me
to sanity.
I forget
where the hands
of the clock stoppedyou
pulled me
from the wreckage
mangled, twisted steel,
red-hot, ablaze,
fueled and forged, and
without reason
freed me, loosed the bird
from about my neck.
POETRY&PROSE 15
&PROSE

Carbon
i guess that my own demise has relied on my eyes. letting in things i despise.
pretentions dont keep me up they keep me down.its not your obligation to lift me up.
you have no excuse to help me.
put up the cup and lay down the law and practice. put pleasure and pain on a pedestal,
wait for it. i let you fall and if i let you back up i have no reason to worry about your
worries. we dont know eachother, we arent the same thing.
trying might have mighty consequences.... if the end comes through then what does it
matter when it gets to you. perhaps its about using time wisely.
on the ground with no sound its not fantastic. and youve no real idea where i am at
even though youre right there with me. and there is no reason for me to know where
you are even though i am just like you.
but we really are the same thing.
when things become fantastic, we become plastic. it gets drastically dramatic, but
were all fanatics, its plastic. it doesnt always end so tragic. until it does.

Bliss Sparkly
I want to drape you in blankets of white fower petals
sunshine away your blues
paint you an ever-present resounding sky
of the happiest cornfower blue
hold you tight enough
so youll remember
just how very much
I Love You
and remind you
close your eyes
listen closely
breathe in deep
and believe
the True and sweet assurances
youd hear yourself
telling me.
,
Sergeant Heartstomp
the words are not ending, a chance to breathe, and not be seen
i feel ever-ending
the gestures
to pretending
i feel impatient & sated, the words are not ending, the battle is still able
i feel over-ending
the meanings
to defending
the words are not ending, a chance to flee, and yet never leave
i feel under-ending
i feel second guessing
to gestures about meaning
to pretend & defend all these feelings
i am not abel, the words are not ending, a chance to dream and not to bleed

Bliss Sparkly
tonight I painted you happy
immersed you in sunshine drenched saffron
smudged with marigold goodness
radiant oranges bathing your skin
in juicy tangerine smiles
swirled you in blushing pink pillows
of cashmere soft kindness
glazed with never-ending electric azure skies
17
Friendship is a delicate dance two people
do when they see something interesting
or worth getting to know in another per-
son. There are many different types of
friends you can acquire over time that
can affect and effect you in a lot of good
and fucked up ways. In this bitchfest im
speaking exclusively about the types of
friends youre sure youll have forever.
The Friends youve been friends with for
a long time and youre sure nothing could
come between you, especially not a stupid
fucking twat of a human being, or money.
Shit happens though, as we all know
and stupid twats and money do break up
frienships. Im having a falling out today,
a good ole fashioned bridge burning. So
one of my closest friends contacts me to-
day with a semi benevolent text message
about money that i owe him. Hes been
the kind of friend that helps you out when
shits bottoms out in your romantic rela-
tionship. He let me stay with him while i
was getting my shit together after my re-
lationship ended, and after a few months
and circumstances, they (him and his
stupid girlfriend) invited me to be an
actual roomate. Thats where the money
comes from, im not gonna go into detail,
about this anyway. The Stupid twat part,
my current favorite part, is whats really
getting to me. While i lived there as an
offcial roomate, (January) her attitude to-
wards me became really fucked up. I tried
really hard to see her side of shit and tried
extra hard not to step on their toes.They
just had a baby right before i moved in so
i knew i would have to be extra careful.
So i know ladies are super emotional and
hormonal after having kids, so i excused
all of her bullshit, and never talked back
to her out of respect for my best friend,
i didnt want our shit storm to affect him.
So i kept my mouth shut. She on the
other hand never held back. She always
prided herself on being the best bitch she
possibly could be, and shes horribly dis-
respectful without ever apologizing for it.
In the last month i lived there shit was
power of
the pussy
18
at its worst. I was home for aproximately
a week over the entire month, and even
moved out before it was over. in that time
though i stayed away from home to avoid
her wrath. She would bitch to him about
everything and he would have to come to
me with all kinds of bullshit. She realized
early on how lucrative having a roomate
could be, by that i mean she tried taking
advantage of the fact that i worked two
jobs, and because i was under her roof i
had to comply with every little added on
bill she decided i should pay her. It got to
a point where i never had any money for
myself, all of it went to her, and none of
my other bills. Shes changed him, and
im fucking done with it. She took every-
thing away from him by openeing up her
legs. The power of the pussy right?
Jesus After Easter
24
Bros before hoes is just something guys
who dont get laid say. Bros before hoes.
The only thing cuter than the sounds of
a baby drinking milk right next to your
ear is like, sleeping alone because you
use condoms.
I like to start every conversation with
my phones about to die so we dont
waste time.
I always have a Red Bull frst thing in the
morning after unprotected sex and I still
dont have herpes. You do the math.
The bank is a place that will lend you
money only if you can prove to them that
you dont actually need it.
If the cure for AIDS could get you high,
wed fgure it out in about a wee.
Im creative with my cursing, which
leads to me shouting things like Puke
in my ass! and Butt fuckery! in public.
Well offcer, why dont I worry about my
texting and driving and you just focus on
all the murders and rapes.
Did the Indians plant all these trees?
I wish I would get drafted just so I could
get a bunch of hugs from a large black
family.
To the attractive guy wearing a wed-
ding band: nice try but Im still going to
think about you when I masturbate in the
shower tonight.
THINGS
OVERHEARD
THINGSOVERHEARD 19
EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT
THE FUTURE BUT WERE TOO BUSY TO ASK
You have a 5 year plan? I dont even
know what Im doing right now.
And that concludes the segment of our
program when my penis tries to crawl
inside my body for safety.
If someone treats you like shit, always
remember there is something wrong
with them, not you. Normal people dont
go around destroying other human be-
ings.
...Shes got a Pandoras box full of sau-
sage...
I can realize that negative feelings do
exist but I can choose to not let them
affect me.
Or you could buy a gun. Guns make
great therapists.
If I had a dick for a day, Id just sit around
drinking beer and talk about how if I had
a vagina and tits, Id play with myself all
day.
Has anyone ever answered a childs
why? questions over and over and
made it to the end?
Ok. Ive tested it. A shitload is about
two hands full.
Just test it out for yourself instead of
asking your doctor if its okay to crush
up your prescription and snort it, or hell
take it away.
When my neighbors wave at me outside
I just stare at them until they look away.
Hmm this Pop-Tart sandwich tastes like
depression.
I just like watching you sleep sounded
a lot sweeter when I said it than the way
my neighbor is retelling it to these cops.
WRITING STAFF
YETI DETECTIVE
BUTCHCAT BITCHMOUTH
MARSHALL EDWARDS
GUY DEBORD
JESUS AFTER EASTER
MR.FICKLEBRITCHES
HANDFUL OF EUMPHEMISMS

FEATURED POETS
DANIEL JONES
CARBON
BLISS SPARKLY
JULIE SCHREFFLER

EDITORIAL STAFF
Sergeant Heartstomp - THE UNBELIEVER
Peanut Scholar - FRIENDMASTER GENERAL
Butchcat Bitchmouth - PARISHPARTYR
Jesus After Easter - THE VICTIM
Flesh Cherry - THE BRONY
REQUEST LIST
DANIEL JONES
MR.FICKLEBRITCHES
JESUS AFTER EASTER
BIGOTRYINDUSTRIES2014
YETI DETECTIVE BUTCHCAT BITCHMOUTH
THEFRIENDSHIPISSUE WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT
This is good stuff. I got it
from a Negro. Youre prob-
ably high already and you
dont even know it.
Oh please, if everyone
around here is going to
start telling the truth,
Im going to bed.
HANDFUL OF T
H
I
S

M
A
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A
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R
friendship
noun \vs\
Defniton of FRIENDSHIP
1
: the state of being friends
2
: the quality or state of being friendly
synonyms
amity, benevolence, brotherhood, charity, cordiality, cordialness, fellowship, friendli-
ness, goodwill, gemtlichkeit, good-fellowship, kindliness, neighborliness
antonyms
ill will, malevolence, venom
.
GROUP HUG
its a trap
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