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    Living in Harmony with the Real-World Vol 3 Coping with Loss and Grief
    Living in Harmony with the Real-World Vol 3 Coping with Loss and Grief
    Living in Harmony with the Real-World Vol 3 Coping with Loss and Grief
    Ebook190 pages1 hour

    Living in Harmony with the Real-World Vol 3 Coping with Loss and Grief

    By Gary Edward Gedall

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    About this ebook

    This is the third book in the Living in Harmony with the Real World series.

    Coping with loss and grief is a very personal process.

    Each culture, religion, group, family and person has to find their own path when confronted to these very important challenges.

    This book will help guide you along your own personal journey towards self-healing and supporting those suffering around you.

    We will look at how others confront these steps and standard approaches.

    However, the strength and difference of this book is that we look at who you are, who or what you have lost.

    Of your honest relationship with that which is gone, and finally, the ways and means that would be best suited to you to deal with this.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherGary Edward Gedall
    Release dateFeb 2, 2021
    ISBN9781005188153
    Living in Harmony with the Real-World Vol 3 Coping with Loss and Grief

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      Book preview

      Living in Harmony with the Real-World Vol 3 Coping with Loss and Grief - Gary Edward Gedall

      Living in harmony with the real world is a concept that I have developed over a number of years as a therapist. As with most of everything in life, someone, somewhere, in one form or other has surely come up with the same or very similar ideas. However, this particular incarnation is my own variation. It is not, however, the first book I have written based on this concept. Hence, I will attempt to be succinct with this explanation and direct any interested reader to Volume 1 for a more in-depth explanation.

      As a starting point, it is always useful to reflect on the terms that one is planning to use.

      So what then is harmony?

      Cambridge’s online dictionary describes harmony as ‘[…] the combination of separate but related parts in a way that uses their similarities to bring unity […]’.

      So what might be the separate parts of a person that, or might not, bring unity?

      I would suggest that in human beings, there is a part of us that creates an ‘ideal’ picture of how things ought to be – be that a relationship, job, meal, productivity, behaviour, or repair.

      These values, morals, expectations and such have been created throughout our lives and are based on the many and varied inputs and experiences that we have been in contact with since early childhood.

      They encompass not only how we expect others to act and to treat us, but also who and how we are supposed to be, how we should interact with the outside world, and what we expect of ourselves.

      On the ‘outside’, they range from the smallest most humble expectations, such as, for example, how a glass of milk should taste, to those of how our government should repatriate us if we found ourselves in a warzone.

      On the ‘inside’, they include expectations about how often we should clean our teeth, how we feel about waking up at 3 a.m., how much time we should spend with a friend in crisis, and the types of jobs and partners we choose.

      However, things don’t always work out as we expect.

      Rather, there is the reality of how things actually are, what we simply refer to as the ‘real’: The reality of the milk not tasting as it should, or there being no flights out of the warzone; of being too tired to clean our teeth before going to bed; of having a critical business meeting at 8 a.m. and little patience with the friend who has just broken up with her third boyfriend this year.

      Or perhaps the perfect job or mate that we have invested so much in turns from gold to dross.

      If we visualise the ideal as a target, with the bullseye being our perfect representation of how things should be, then reality would be symbolised by an arrow.

      The closer the arrow lands near the centre, the closer our expectations are to our reality.

      The further apart they are, the more frustrated and disappointed we are likely to feel.

      In short, the greater the distance between the reality of how things are and our ideal vision of how something should be, the more we suffer.

      What is most interesting is that this image has something to do with the essential meaning of the word sin.

      According to the Blue Letter Bible site, the original and basic meaning of the term, ‘sin’, from its Hebraic root, Chata, חָטָא, translates as to miss, as in missing the mark or the target: ‘To miss, to err from the mark, speaking of an archer.’

      If we focus for the moment on just our relationship with ourselves, we can reflect that ‘Sinning is when our real thoughts and behaviours are far from our ideal expectations for ourselves. The further the two are separated, the more that we suffer, the more we sin.’

      Likewise when other things in life do not happen as we planned or idealised, again we suffer.

      One of the most problematic situations to deal with can be that of the ‘false target’. This is where the person believes that their ‘ideal’ is something they have accepted from the outside. However, deep down within themselves they have another truth, another ideal, which they have renounced because it is less acceptable.

      For instance, my own deep attraction towards the cinema and theatre was totally lost to me when I tried to satisfy my understanding of my father’s wish that I focus on something to do with business.

      Another major problem area is where there are two competing targets. Both are equally important and valid but might also be mutually exclusive.

      For example, one member of a couple receives the offer of a superb opportunity in a totally different part of the world, yet their partner has neither the wish nor the desire to relocate.

      The need and desire to succeed professionally might be as strong a part of the person’s ideal of themselves as the part that expects to be a loyal and supportive partner.

      In my therapeutic work, I aim to help patients bring their ideals for themselves and their life and their not-always-so-perfect-realities closer together.

      This can take place via some combination of some or all of the following:

      -Changing the physical reality (moving the arrow closer to the target).

      For example, buying different milk, phoning your friend early in the evening after her last breakup, finding another job, finding a new partner.

      -Increasing the size of the bull’s eye, which comes about through a reflection of the level of one’s expectations.

      For example, being satisfied with a mark of only 8 out 10 rather than 10 out of 10 in a test.

      -Repositioning the target itself by changing one’s inner expectations.

      For example, realising and accepting that your not-for-profit business can’t function without corporate donations.

      -Bringing the two ideals into line (moving one target in front of the other).

      -For example, work abroad for one month out of three; work remotely from an office close to home for the other two months.

      The closer the ideal and the real become, the more our suffering is reduced.

      However, to begin such a process, the patient must first dig into themselves to discover exactly what their ideal expectations are.

      Why do they have to, as I say, ‘dig into themselves’?

      That’s because many people are not really aware of what their real, inner values, desires and expectations are.

      Our formal education systems and society’s social norms can push us to hide our true thoughts and feelings, even from ourselves, and see them as unacceptable to some degree.

      To go back to my own story, when I ‘dug into myself’ a few years ago, I realised that I should not have taken a Management Science degree but would have been much, much happier enrolling in a cinema school. (Yes, a little bit late!!).

      The Ancient Greek aphorism ‘know thyself’ (Greek: γνῶθι σεαυτόν) was the first of three Delphic maxims inscribed in the pronaos (forecourt) of the Temple of Apollo at Delphi.

      Before we can find inner harmony, we need to discover and accept our true values, expectations and reactions.

      That honest reading of ourselves enables us to work towards harmonising our ideal with the real.

      2. A global vision of loss and grief

      What follows is a short reflection on the themes of loss and grief.

      2.1. Loss

      The concept of loss is quite easy to grasp: at some point we have something; then we don’t.

      This loss might be total or partial, but we’re usually aware that we no longer have what we had before.

      Some readers might assume that this book’s focus is purely on loss due to death.

      However, that is not this work’s whole intention. The scope is much wider and can refer any type of loss. that we might be subject to.

      All of us have experienced, are experiencing or will experience a myriad of large and small losses that we have had, are having, and will need to deal with in our, hopefully, long lives. These colour our life experience and enable us to benefit the most from what we have in any particular moment.

      Furthermore, loss can also be temporary or permanent.

      However, we might not always be able to ascertain which of the two we are dealing with, which only further complicates how we might proceed.

      2.2. Locus of control

      In 1954, the psychologist Julian B. Rotter (1916–2014) published a book titled Social learning and clinical psychology’ The concept of ‘locus of control’ can be found within this theory of social learning.

      Rotter’s reflection centres on how people experience their ability to influence their own lives.

      When one feels that the locus of control is towards the exterior, we have little influence on what happens to us.

      When the control is more towards the interior, we are much more masters of our fates.

      A concept I often share is that of linking control and responsibility; the two should function as a working pair.

      We can use Rotter’s approach with the control/responsibility concept. If our locus of control is towards the external, we have little power over and limited responsibility for what happens to us.

      However, an internal locus of control brings domination of the situation and likewise, direct accountability.

      In the context of loss, the more a person perceives their locus of control as being in their hands, the easier it becomes to assume responsibility for the outcome.

      For example, imagine you’re sacked because the business you worked for has reorganised; or you quit your job because you feel you are not appreciated enough.

      Both situations amount to the same loss of function, activity, status and income.

      However, in the former, you are a victim; In the latter, you are the instigator.

      It must be noted, that as with all things, life is multifactorial, and the situations we encounter are rarely

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