There are no Right Answers to Wrong Questions: 15 Ways Our Questions Influence Our Choices to Live a Christian Life

There Are No Right Answers to Wrong Questions

15 Ways Our Questions Influence Our Choices to Live a Christian Life

Peter C. Wilcox

There Are No Right Answers to Wrong Questions

15 Ways Our Questions Influence Our Choices to Live a Christian Life

Copyright © 2016 Peter C. Wilcox. All rights reserved. Except for brief quotations in critical publications or reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without prior written permission from the publisher. Write: Permissions, Wipf and Stock Publishers, 199 W. 8th Ave., Suite 3, Eugene, OR 97401.

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To my wife, Margaret, whose love, understanding and companionship, has helped me on my journey through life to be patient with my questions and encouraged me to live into the answers. Together, we have tried to ask our right questions about life, even as we searched and struggled to find answers. We hope that our choices in life have allowed us to be good to others. Also, for all her editorial assistance and her willingness to be inconvenienced to respond to my frequent requests for help, I sincerely say thank you.

Finally, to my late parents, Mary and Charles, who in their own quiet ways, showed me how to make good choices that helped give direction to my life.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1: Reasons Why People Ask The Wrong Questions

Chapter 2: Questions in the New Testament

Chapter 3: Learning to Ask the Right Questions

Chapter 4: Fifteen Ways Our Questions Influence Our Choices to Grow Spiritually and Psychologically

Conclusion

Bibliography

Introduction

In 1902, Franz Xaver Kappus wrote his first letter to Rainer Maria Rilke. In it he asked Rilke to read and critique his poetry. Rilke refused to do so, but began a conversation with the young man. Kappus later published the letters he received from Rilke as Letters to a Young Poet.

Kappus sought out Rilke with one question: is there a great poet waiting to be born in me or should I let that dream go? Kappus wanted a map, some critical help, and a direct answer regarding this, his deepest question. He never got that. Instead, he got a conversation about life, love and purpose. Rilke could have answered directly, but he didn’t. Instead, he told Kappus to try to love the questions themselves. Kappus needed to learn that sometimes the answers aren’t as important as the way we learn to live among the questions.

Most of us know the feeling of longing for answers that do not come. Rilke, a devout believer, would have readily extended his advice to the spiritual level. In prayer, we too seek answers to our deepest questions. What am I to do in my life, with my life, with my love, my time, my gifts? Particularly in the dark night seasons of our lives, our questions can be many but the answers few. The challenge in those times is to befriend the questions. It can be good to ask, even when no answers are forthcoming. The questions can both inform and transform our living.

The Scriptures give us many examples of people asking questions and not getting answers, or at least not getting answers to the questions they asked. For example, the rich young man asked, what must I do to be saved? He asked feeling pretty good about himself as he was a pious, devout young man. He left with a new set of questions to consider. How could he learn to love the questions? Perhaps by re-evaluating his sense of personal pride in his perceived holiness. The woman at the well asked a diversion question about the place for proper worship. I don’t think she really cared, but she didn’t like where the conversation with Jesus was going. The answer she received left new questions. How might she learn to love the new questions? Maybe by sharing her experience of Jesus with her fellow Samaritans. The disciples, afraid of drowning in the storm while Jesus slept in the boat, asked don’t you care if we die? That’s the cry of a heart fearing it will not survive. Jesus’ response left them with a new question about the depth of their faith if they would be right in Jesus’ presence and still be so afraid. How could this new question bless them? By reminding them that neither life nor death in the company of the Lord is the last word.

In Rilke’s first letter, he told Kappus nobody can advise you and help you, nobody. What might Rilke’s adamant negative response have produced in Kappus? I can imagine anger, frustration or maybe despair. If you can’t help me, who can? But Rilke’s next two sentences are interesting. While refusing to be the solution himself, he does offer a path forward. There is only one way. Go into yourself.

This book is an invitation to go into ourselves, to look at the questions we ask about life. Most of us don’t think very much about our questions. We are too busy trying to find answers. But behind any answer, there is always a question. Sometimes, the question isn’t clear to us; sometimes, it is not very well articulated, even to ourselves. But it is always there. And as Rilke told Kappus, there is only one way to find the answer. Go into yourself.

The reason why the questions we ask in life are so important is because they give direction to our lives. It’s the questions we ask that give rise to our answers which in turn influence the many choices we make about how to live our lives. That is why it is critical to ask the right questions. And, as we will see in this book, it’s our choices in life that will determine the kind of person we will become. And our choices will largely be determined by the kinds of questions we ask.

1

Reasons Why People Ask The Wrong Questions

We do not err because the truth is difficult. It is visible at a glance. We err because it is more comfortable to avoid it.

—Alexander Solzhenitsyn

Famous author and holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel describes a very poignant conversation in his book Night. One day when he was twelve years old, Elie asked his father to find him a master who could guide him in his studies of the Kabbala. His father told Elie that he was much too young to be studying the Kabbala. So Elie found his own master—Moche the Beadle, an old man who lived humbly and was very poor. One day, when Moche saw Elie praying, he asked him, why do you pray? Elie responded, I don’t really know why. After that day, Elie and Moche would often get together to talk about their Jewish faith. During their conversations, Moche explained with great insistence that every question possessed a power that did not lie in the answer. Man raises himself toward God by the questions he asks Him, Moche was fond of saying. This is true dialogue. Man questions God and God answers. But we don’t understand His answers. We can’t understand them. Because they come from the depths of the soul, and they stay there until death. You will find the true answers, Eliezer, only within yourself. Then Elie asked Moche, and why do you pray? He replied, I pray to the God within me that He will give me the strength to ask Him the right questions.¹

Although I read this statement over thirty-five years ago, it is still something that I have never forgotten. Moreover, I have often used it in many talks and retreat conferences. Moche prayed so that God would give him the strength to ask the right questions about life. He wasn’t praying for an answer to any particular question, he wasn’t praying for any particular need or person, but only for the strength to ask the right questions. Moche knew that if Elie did this, he would find his own answers within himself. His response was almost identical to Rilke who told his friend Kappus that there is only one way forward to find answers to your questions and that is to go into yourself.

For each of us, it is so important to ask the right questions in life. It’s something we all need to learn how to do, and for most of us, it doesn’t come easily. In fact, in our Western society, we pride ourselves on discovering answers, not on having questions. Moreover, many of us rarely reflect on the questions we ask about life. However, so often in life, it is our choice of questions that leads us on a path of discovery toward answers that often have a significant impact on our lives.

A. Personal Challenges

One reason why there is so much confusion in life—including the life of the Church—is because we are trying to find answers to wrong questions. For example, in the debate about abortion, you will inevitably come up with very different answers depending on whether you begin the discussion with the question, does a woman have a right to choose or to make decisions for herself, or the question, when does human life begin? Or take the example of two people thinking about getting married. If they are concerned about their compatibility, they might ask themselves, and each other, shouldn’t we live together first so that we have more time together to see if we are compatible? This obviously leads to a different answer from asking themselves how they can grow and mature in their relationship within the context of Christian moral principles. Again, it’s the underlying question that leads to a very different answer.

So, why do people ask the wrong questions? And, why is it so difficult to learn how to ask the right questions about life? Because each of us is unique in so many ways, there can be many factors. Here are three reasons that affect many of us.

1. It’s difficult to be honest with ourselves and with our motives for doing things

Being truly honest with ourselves is very challenging. For example, some people already have the answer they want and then they formulate a question that leads them to their preconceived answer. In over thirty years as a psychotherapist, I have seen this happen many times. For example, someone who is having an affair, might look for reasons why he or she should become separated or divorce. Or, in business, someone who wants to make more money, might ask the question, isn’t everyone earning some money and not reporting it to the government? Or a high school student who wants to go to college, and knows how competitive it is, might think about cheating in order to get better grades. He or she might ask, everyone else is doing it. Why shouldn’t I?

2. Challenge of the more

A second reason why it is difficult to ask the right questions in life is because of what the Jesuit theologian Karl Rahner called the more. He believed that the Lord is always inviting us to grow in a life of generosity, to give the more. But the more for each of us can mean many different things. In fact, it will certainly change in many ways as we journey through life. For the rich young man in the Gospels, the more was to give up his riches and come follow Jesus. We know from his response that he wasn’t ready to do this and so, he walked away sad (Luke 18:18–23). However, Jesus didn’t go after him trying to convince him to come back. He knew this person wasn’t ready for this challenge at this point in his life. And what about the poor widow in Mark’s Gospel (12: 41–44)? The more for her was to give the little that she had. When we see the response of Jesus, it was almost as though he was saying to his disciples—come over here and see what generosity is all about. It is not a matter of giving a lot of anything. Rather, truly I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the treasury. For all of them have contributed out of their abundance; but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, all she had to live on (Mark 12: 41–44). Generosity is not measured in terms of quantity.

If we believe that the Lord is always inviting us to a life of generosity in some way, then we will watch for the right question to emerge within ourselves. And like the poor widow, it doesn’t necessarily have to mean a lot of anything.

3. Fear of the unknown

The unknown in our lives is always difficult to handle constructively. And for some of us, fear of the unknown can keep us from asking the right questions in our lives. Most of us are more comfortable with what we know. Sometimes, it might be difficult to deal with the known in our lives but at least it doesn’t generate the same kind of anxiety that dealing with the unknown does. As the eminent family therapist Virginia Satir said, most people prefer the certainty of misery to the misery of uncertainty.²

Sometimes, this fear of the unknown can make us reluctant to even try and ask the right questions in our lives. We are not sure what the Lord might ask of us and there can be a part of us that doesn’t really want to know. Why? Because if we knew, we might be afraid that we would respond like the rich young man did—and walk away sad or simply say no. So, there can be a real tension, a real battle going on inside of us over asking our right question. Take, for example, a young person trying to figure out his or her vocation. A young man wants to live a life of generosity, of giving the more to the Lord. Part of him feels drawn to the priesthood or religious life, and part of him wants to continue his college life, dating his girlfriend, and preparing for a career. Like the rich young man, he would have to give up many things if he responded to the call to at least investigate the priesthood. So, because this question stirs up a lot of anxiety, he might decide to try and put it out of his mind and not think about it anymore. There is a real tension and struggle going on inside of him.

B. Cultural Challenges

Every generation needs to understand what is going on in its own culture. Why? Because every person is greatly influenced by the culture they live in, probably more than they realize. And this is so true in our own Western culture today. The major trends in our contemporary culture have a huge impact on the kinds of questions we ask about life that will allow us to grow spiritually and psychologically.

Jesuit spiritual writer and scientist, Teilhard de Chardin, was asked one time why so many sincere, good people did not believe in God. He answered in a very sympathetic, non- judgmental way. He felt that they must not have heard about God in the correct way. Maybe we also struggle with this idea today.

Many good, sincere people struggle today with finding God attractive. It’s not necessarily that He is unattractive. It’s just that today, in our culture, He is competing with so many other distractions that appear to be more attractive than God. Jesus knew this was important. One time, in Matthew’s Gospel, He said, wherever your treasure is, that is where your heart will be (Matt 6: 21). Jesus realized that wherever our treasure is, wherever our heart is, that is what is important to us. That is what we will give our time and energy to. That is what will give direction to our lives. That is what will form the basis of the questions we ask about life and eventually, the choices we make in life.

Besides the struggle to find God attractive, many people also struggle with their faith in general, as well as their churches. A number of factors contribute to this: the pluralism of our age which doesn’t want to be confined to any one belief system; the individualism of a culture which makes family and community life difficult; an anti-church sentiment within both popular culture and the intellectual world; an ever growing tension between those who see religion in terms of private prayer and piety and those who see it as the quest for equality and justice.

We also live in an age in which people find it difficult to make choices. Many of us like to keep our options open. Medieval philosophy said that every choice is a renunciation. In fact, every choice is a thousand renunciations. To choose one thing is to turn one’s back on many other things. To marry one person is to not marry all the others. To have a child means to give up certain other things. To pray might mean to miss watching television or going out with friends. This makes choosing difficult. No wonder we struggle so much with commitment. It’s not that we don’t want certain things, it is just that we know that if we choose them, we close off so many other options.

The problem is we want so many things. For example, we might want to be a saint, but we also want to feel every sensation experienced by sinners; we want to be innocent and pure, but we also want to be experienced and taste all of life’s pleasures;