Controlled Women & Constipated Men: Uncomfortably Disquieting

Copyright © 2014 by Dr Terence C Teasdale.

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Rev. date: 05/12/2014

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Contents

Author’s Comment

Introduction

Chapter 1:A Life to Live

Chapter 2:Controlled By The Past: Personality Structure

Chapter 3:Controlled by Attachment Disorder

Chapter 4:Controlled By Neurosis

Chapter 5:Controlled By Emotional Defences

Chapter 6:Controlled by Narcissism

Chapter 7:Controlled by Faked Dependency

Chapter 8:Controlled By Egocentrism and Codependency

Chapter 9:Controlled by Fear-Based Emotions

Final Comment

About The Author

Author’s Comment

I n this book, I have assembled my thoughts, findings, and professional opinion emanating from many years of empirical research involving what I call Controlled Women . Over the years I have become increasingly disturbed by the fast increase in female mental disorders. I am equally alarmed that very little attention is paid to women’s psychological infirmities, especially as, I believe, they are passed on from daughter to daughter; generation to generation. In specific terms, I am concerned, indeed dismayed, that these encumbered women, controlled by psychological impediments, continue to inflict pain and hurt, and in the process destroy the self-image and block happiness of children and adolescents: daughters in parti cular.

Controlled women are constrained by negative emotions as outlined in this book. They are in personality crisis. They are unable to identify, monitor, and identify their own emotions. For sure, they care little about others’ emotions and feelings. (Although they pretend to care!) In other words they lack empathy and altruism; mainly because of their own mother’s lack of affectionate and consistent attachment, and hence inability to give of themselves emotionally to intimate others, who experience successes, ordeals, and disappointments. Hurt from early childhood by their own controlled mothers, they manifest neurotic and narcissistic disorders. This has led controlled women to develop sadistic acts of retaliation, threats, intimidation, reprisal and punishment as a way of protecting themselves. They live a life of revenge, manipulation, and obsessiveness. Always trying to dominate, direct, and control family members. Always crusading. Always over-reacting and magnifying events. Always using damaging defense-mechanisms. Always condemning, condescending, and deprecatory. Always sad, anxious and depressed! Controlled women are driven by power.

I have written this book for all people who are captivated by achieving a Life to Live that brings interdependent well-being, and hence successfully sustained relationships. This book is about controlled women who, because of their psychological troubles, kill the lives of others, and daughters in particular. It is about controlled women denying happiness to others.

Throughout my work, I have been fortunate to meet many, many people and to read the works of many knowledgeable people: all contributing to my understanding the nuances of people’s minds and behaviours. I have accumulated all kinds of memories: mostly happy. And that is sustaining. I am grateful to them all. But we must continue the journey to ensure that all people can exercise the right to feel good about themselves and make happy memories.

I hope that this book makes a contribution to that aim in life. I hope we can come to understand more clearly and insightfully controlled women, who more often than not, lead a life of un-fulfillment and emotional barrenness.

My message to controlled women is simple: control your negative emotions, control your life and get a Life to Live! A genuine life. And not one of pretence.

Introduction

Controlled women’s abuse feeds future abuse. It is incestuous. They commit appalling abuse and commit all future abuses

to those they breed—generation after generation.

Controlled women do not look different from ourselves.

But by Jove, they are!

I n pursuing the rigorous demands placed on them, women are neglecting to ‘get themselves right’ (mainly because they can’t!). In trying to excel and compete, often with hostility, in just about every facet of their lives, women have lost contact with themselves and become invaders of others—angry, emotionally driven, frustrated, ready to strike like Medea’s sword, killing the emotional well-being of those closest to them. With this analysis, there is something quite ‘evil’ about women.

An important consequence of this disturbing recognition is that their relationships with partners, children, and colleagues are deteriorating and dismantling at an alarming rate. At best, they are fragile. At worst, they are fragmented. Left behind, however, are demoralized, broken lives.

Their relationships are characterized by their own unhappiness and psychological retardation. They are indeed the phantom of the family!

The phantom of the ‘evil’ mother and wife lurks far more closely than the ‘good’ mother and wife.

Women are not happy! Trouble is, they make others unhappy!

In Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, Brutus and Cassius are discussing the final phase of the civil war. Brutus argues that it is imperative that they advance on the enemy while they are at their height of preparedness for war.

There is a tide in the affairs of men,

Which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;

Omitted, all the voyage of their life

Is bound in shallows and in miseries . . .

We must take the current when it serves,

Or lose our ventures.

Women’s needs are not attended to at the appropriate time—at the flood. In the voyage of their life, they are unable to have a life that leads on to fortune. Rather, it is bound in shallows and in miseries. As such, women lose their ventures.

What Shakespeare is saying, of course, is that our lives ebbs and flows in time and that one must be ready to go with the flow. If the opportunity is omitted (missed), one will be left stranded in shallows and in miseries.

In an earlier book, I wrote extensively about critical periods in attachment. In a way, Shakespeare was touching on this very same thing, although unconsciously. We know for instance that the first three years for humans are critical periods for establishing trusting relationships. The failure to attach to a mother at this stage not only inhibits later leaning but leaves the individual inaccessible, neurotic, detached, and aggressive. In short the individual becomes psychologically damaged.

Critical period is the time when the effect of a particular experience is maximum.

Because children are not attached to their mother at the flood, the voyage of their life never leads to fortune! Rather, the voyage is marked by severe psychological disabilities and leads to misery! This has major implications for daughters who themselves will be unable to avail themselves of the critical period for attachment with their own daughters! And so it will go (and has gone) on, generation after generation—daughters and women lacking attachment and dependency, nurturance and benevolence.

In their imperfection, controlled women always lack.

Thus, controlled women live a life of what I call ‘lack’. That is, they want emotional fulfilment and nurturance because they lack both in their lives. They lack wholeness and completeness. But, in many ways, the biggest lack in their lives is what is at the very marrow of a woman’s psychology: dependency. It is my view, based on thousands of cases, that the woman’s agonizing need and lifelong quest for dependency will never be met. Their life of lack is a troubled journey of emotional sterility and grinding nerves—harrowing, emotionally lacerating. An emotional life of being killed by inches!

Controlled women seek closeness.

They will never get it!

This is certainly true, even of women with substantial lives away from their domestic lives. This touches all women! Of course there are several ways women deal with their private anguish and quiet despair. Most continue to live with constipated husbands, who are incapable of giving any type of closeness. Many bury their disappointment in the sand and refuse to acknowledge or accept that they (desperately) need. And the remainder try to tap-dance their way through life, denying they have any dependency needs! The reality is that these women eke out their lives in a world strewn with neediness. But they are all tarred with the same brush; they are damaged and unhappy.

Their life of lack leaves them wondering, knowing that their attachment needs and desires have not been fulfilled. They are without a mother who can satisfy her needs because that mother was also denied emotional satisfaction! Why? Because the neglectful woman didn’t facilitate her own daughter through the critical period for attachment—the period for securely knowing one is wanted and loved.

They turn to others. They live with constipated men who cannot anticipate or pick up on communication (unless they are gay!). But they continue to cling to men and conglutinate in the hope they will change. They become emotional limpets. That is why so many men want to escape from them and deshackle themselves from their stifling grasp.

Eventually, they begin to realize constipated men cannot (and never will) fulfil their needs. And so they turn to other women, confused, to gossip and wallow together in a collective misery in an attempt to expunge their lack of self-worth and with a hope that those lost significant parts of their lives will miraculously be found. This is why the feminist are obsessed with entitlements. That is why they blame men for their incompleteness. Eventually, they will turn to their daughters!

Women live a life of turning to . . .

At your next dinner party, lean over to the man opposite and ask, ‘Who is your best friend?’ The answer is usually ‘my dog’ or ‘my mother’. Then turn to the woman next to you and ask her the same question. Her answer will be another woman! The reason for this is simple. The woman is the last person she can turn to. She feels safe! But that is about the only arena in which she feels safe!

Because controlled women have been deprived of nurturance and the appropriate share of a mother’s resources and have never achieved attachment, they remain constantly dependent. And thus, they can never progress to the next stage of emotional development: independence. A stage marked by separating from the umbilical cord and becoming an individual with personal responsibility.

Women become stuck in their early stage

of wanting and needing.

They travel through life deprived of a mother’s investment, never being their own person, always in search of nurturance. Always turning!

And because women’s needs are never met by their own mother at the appropriate time, they live a life of miserable shallows. They go through life as a little girl repressed, hoping and yearning for love and acceptance. Too late. Their mother did not take the current when it was the right time!

Women then live a life of deprivation, never feeling secure, never having a sense of self, always longing for care, love, acceptance, and romantic relationships—intimacy. They come to realize that their mother, in whose stomach they grew, did not merge psychologically with them—in fact, neglected them. So they realize they are not important to their mother. Confused! They should be. And so women experience inner conflict, inner clashes between what should be but what is not, possessing psychological properties that lead them to commit evil acts.

Controlled women are merciless. And this enables them to commit evil acts against their children and husbands.

The conflicts and the early years of emotional deprivation do enormous psychological damage. Women are abandoned as children and rejected as adults. They find perverse ways to just cope with their miserable shallows. They live a life of sourness, vitriol, and disabling sadness.

Her children’s suffering and pain do not matter to the controlled woman. But it is the very concept of inflicting pain that should be sufficient to desist. But psychologically, the impaired woman cannot and does not!

Don’t let the lamentable quacks, charlatans, incompetents, so-called women psychoanalysts and feminists (most of whom hate men and blame them for just about everything that is bad in the world) deceive us any more. They have been getting away with blue murder for years with their negative victim role-playing and killing-like behaviour. Let me say daughters have daughters! At the root of an emotionally disturbed mother is a controlled woman. A woman with psychological deficiencies that somehow allows gross misdemeanors and permits her own will egocentrically.

They become what I call controlled women.

In order to effect evil, one needs a

psychological deficit in oneself.

Controlled women, in chasing emotional dependency (that is, needing, wanting, and giving), feel humiliated and ill done by. They continue responding with their childlike behaviours when things go wrong or when their needs and wants are not satisfied. In adults, these are dysfunctional ways of coping. They are controlled by their past. They rage and rebel; they scream with anger and despair.

Their narcissistic needs drive them to become manipulative and calculating to satisfy their longings. They develop the feeling of dread and sadness. They become neurotic and constantly display its major symptom of anxiety. They learn how to defend themselves in bizarre ways that is immature and that gobbles up their energy. They turn in on themselves and insist that their ways and attitudes are the only right way. They learn to lean on others. They become the prisoner of dysfunctionalism, even in their sleep. ‘For the mind in sleep does not cease to be active, and this activity shown in dreaming, continues to be concerned with problems of everyday life’ (Eysenck and Wilson).

Thus they become ‘concerned with problems of everyday life’, controlled women, who, emotionally disabled and angry, are jealous and abusive, spitting out humiliating bile to those around them, exposing them to mental cruelty, thus killing just about every ounce of self-esteem and confidence.

ELUCIDATION

This book will not be well-received by many people. But opposition should not camouflage objectivity or professional insight and opinion. Knowledge in all its forms and patterns should be exposed and debated. And certainly not brushed away under the nearest carpet.

It will be noted that ‘constipated men’ is part of the title of the book. It is used deliberately as an indicative. I use this phrase to indicate that controlled women seem to be answerable to no one in society. To their shame, it is the constipated male who largely facilitates the controlled woman’s behaviour by turning a blind eye, simply not being around, knowing, or caring about women psychological crushers. (His main escape is the metaphorical ‘garden shed’.) In this sense, the constipated male is a (negative and passive) powerful contributor to controlled women’s dysfunctional behaviour. As such, he should be sitting alongside the controlled woman. The finger is pointed at the two of them!

THE MAIN THESIS

This book is about controlled women. In the following chapters I describe the major controllers of women: the past, detachment disorder neurosis, emotional defences, narcissism, faked dependency codependency, egocentrism, and fear-based emotions.

I outline and detail each of the disablers, and I describe just how controlling they are of women. The book is meant to be informative, to bring understanding, and to be of some assistance to all those who come under the influence of controlled women.

Without secure emotional attachment and dependency, controlled women are about protest: internal and external. Their life to live harms others and themselves.

The contents are shaped in a unique way to highlight, give a different perception of, and make us aware of the psychological disorders of women. In my view, it is long overdue. Women are hardly ever put under the magnifying glass, mainly because such a process is not politically correct, or, more to the point, people have been conditioned to be frightened to talk openly or write about women in this vein. For sure, we know men have!

The book will encourage women (and men!) to dig deep into the recesses of their minds in the hope of understanding and gaining awareness of their own attitudes and behaviours far more acutely than ever before. The book I believe will resonate strongly with all women (if they are honest) but especially with adolescent daughters, who are more often than not the butt of controlled women.

Chapter 1

A Life to Live

There is only one meaning in life: the act of living it. (E. Fromm)

S ometime ago I was in Canada with the former prime minister of Australia, Mr G. Whitlam. I was giving an address and used the word ‘crazy’ when referring to women. Mr Whitlam was on the platform and interrupted me. He asked in his very audible, distinctive, and measured voice, ‘Dr Teasdale, why do you use a pejorative word, crazy, to describe our other gender?’ Before I could answer, a woman in the audience stood up and, with a stentorian voice, said, ‘Yes. How can you call women crazy? Why do you?’ My answer was simple. ‘It is a word used in this millennium that all can understand and give meaning to. It is a word that we relate to. And more importantly, it is a word that is on the tip of most people’s tongues when they think of women. Of course, there are other words too.’ As the woman maintained her stance, I added, ‘Or would you rather I refer to women as Freud did? Hysterical?’ She chirped in again with, ‘That is rubbish.’ I finally responded and said, ‘If you don’t believe me, when you go home, ask your children if they think mothers are crazy. If they dare to be honest, they will agree! That is if you haven’t