The Conductor: They Come with Instructions from God (A Parenting Manual and Reflection Journal)

Copyright © 2015 E.J. Browning-McKay.

Theconductor1@yahoo.com

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Scripture taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

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ISBN: 978-1-4908-7513-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-7515-6 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-7514-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015905016

WestBow Press rev. date: 05/08/2015

Yesterday is but a dream, tomorrow but a vision. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well, therefore, to this day.

—Indian proverb

CONTENTS

Foreword

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter 1     The Living Environment

Chapter 2     Household Rules Build Family Unity

Chapter 3     Keeping the Family in the Know

Chapter 4     Generational Differences

Chapter 5     The Child’s Behavior

Chapter 6     Giving and Receiving

Chapter 7     Education and Exposure

Chapter 8     Valuing Household Chores and Extracurricular Activities

Chapter 9     Weekends and Holidays

Chapter 10   Protocol for Religious and Special Services

Chapter 11   Our Community and the Villagers

Chapter 12   It’s Not My Child

Chapter 13   The Missing Parent

Chapter 14   Parent Advisor (PA)

Chapter 15   You, Your Mate, and Your Life

Chapter 16   Speak It into Existence

Journal Writing

FOREWORD

Often we hear people say, Is there a book on parenting? or My children didn’t come with an instruction manual. Many have tried to answer the questions and concerns about parent-and-child relationships. Since the Creator created each of us as individuals, I contend that, if there were manuals written for parenting, each child would have his or her own manual that would be unique to that particular child. I believe it is safe to say that there is no one book that will address all of the concerns that parents have in developing healthy relationships with their children.

Elma McKay did a magnificent job addressing intergenerational paradigms under the construct of her own personal experiences as a child, a mother, and a grandmother. The Conductor explores various foundations that will assist parents from cultural, historical, and theological perspectives. Elma reflects on how her parents used each of those foundations to nurture and instruct their children. From this experience, Elma includes her own intergenerational approach to parenting and understanding how children respond and react to various disciplinarian approaches. The Conductor not only assists parents of young children, but it also addresses the parent-and-adult-child relationship, as well as relationships within the extended family.

There are many resources available that address parent-and-child relationships. The Conductor is one of those resources parents should have in their parenting toolbox. One thing I admire about The Conductor is that it is inspirational as well.

John Wesley Walker Jr., DMin

Pastor

Bethel Christian Methodist Episcopal Church

Sarasota, Florida

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

First, I acknowledge God and dedicate this book to my loving husband, Frank McKay, who supports me in all my endeavors. He is a source of strength and encouragement, always pushing me to live my true purpose.

There are thirteen other special people who motivated me by allowing me to parent them at various stages of their lives: my three sons, Myron, Tyron, and Tyson, who continue to allow me to be their mother as parent advisor to them as adults; my gift in marriage, four bonus children, Angela, Don, Montel, and Frank, who each welcomed me into their world as stepmother and even sometimes as parental advisor; and my four youngest siblings, Lolita, Sylvia, Duvale, and Shawn, who spent summers with me and enabled me to fulfill an agreement between our mother and me. The second time around at parenting came as a grandparent raising two grandsons a decade apart for a brief period during their early childhood. Experiences learned with Quinten and Tyson Jr. enlightened me on modern parenting while establishing a special bond.

Finally, the leadership of my parents taught me a lot, and I was able to model much after them in raising my own children. My parents were great conductors. Memories and observations of how they did it as parents provided me with a solid foundation to pull from as I engaged in the process of being a parent, a role model, an older adult sister, and even a grandparent.

Both of my parents, Q. V. and Marie Browning, now rest in peace, and I find comfort in the legacy they passed on to me, the skill and knowledge of parenting as a Christian woman. They are and will forever be a source of strength, encouragement, and lifelong motivation. I will be forever grateful to them for fulfilling their purpose as Christian parents who put God and family first, together coaching me into adulthood.

INTRODUCTION

Sometimes parents can feel like they are on an island and that they are the only ones experiencing what they may consider a shortcoming in the department of child rearing. It’s a fact that no child came with clear instructions from humankind and that each is different, but every child came with instructions from God. Some refer to the Bible as basic instructions before leaving earth (BIBLE), and they use that acronym with confidence, knowing there is something that can be done to support parents and guardians in raising children to be independent, self-sufficient adults.

A mother was walking through the fabric store with her six-year-old son the day after Christmas to pick up some items needed for a home-improvement project. At the register in most stores, including this fabric store, are last-minute items to purchase, marketed to be enticing to the consumer. Children are a part of that strategy to get consumers to purchase those items through their parents. On this day something had captured the eyes of this six-year-old. He wanted that item, and he wanted it bad.

It was alluring to him, and when his mother told him, No, I’m not buying that, he lost it in the store. The tantrum began with the words You never buy me anything and was followed with loud sobs and tears. Shopping along with this mother was her sister, who was interested in how she would handle this volatile situation. It brought on several questions to ponder: Who purchased all the gifts he’d received the day before for Christmas? Why don’t retailers work with parents and not have those items at the checkout counter? (We all have an opinion on that topic!) Where are his things coming from if his parents never buy him anything? How does a parent manage a situation like this? What can be done in advance to prevent or minimize such behavior?

Answers to these and similar questions of this type are what you will find in The Conductor. It is up to you to determine how things should best be handled based on the makeup of your family. Self-determination will be the key component of your interaction with The Conductor because, upon completion of this book, you will have individualized it to speak to the best practices for you as a parent. There is no right or wrong answer, nor is there one best practice for raising all children. At times the answer may change from incident to incident—or even from child to child—based on the circumstances of the situation. The use of consistent, concrete, and caring strategies, which I’ve titled the three Cs, will support the parent in the child-raising process. The three-Cs application is a tool to support the foundation parents need to assist them in raising their children.

The Conductor is designed for you to use as a leader, director, manager, and guide for raising a child who did not come with instructions. During the time I spent as a young child under the leadership of my parents, I observed how they managed parenthood. Once I became a parent myself, I utilized some of their strategies, along with a little of what I’d learned from others who also influenced my development and some of my own ideas. This was the foundation for me in guiding and directing my own children and those in my care. As years passed, I’ve gained additional information and begun to advise others on child rearing.

There is no right or wrong way to parent; no one is a true expert or perfect at this. We all question ourselves, even those who look like they’ve got it together or are highly credentialed. I’m not sure where the African proverbs evolve from, but omwana ni wa bhone means Regardless of a child’s biological parent(s), its upbringing belongs to the community. There is also that familiar African proverb It takes a village to raise a child. Hence, it is not only the responsibility of the individuals raising children in their homes to guide and direct them; as Christians we bear more accountability because of our knowledge of what the Lord expects of us. If it is the desire of the people to live in a better society, we must work together, as Galatians 6.2 states that we are to Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. This approach can build families and support the needs of our most precious and valuable worldly possession, our children.

There are times when the verbal and nonverbal responses to children’s actions by adults in Christ are such that one may question the presence of the love for God and humankind. Luke 6:37 states, Judge not, and ye shall not be judged; condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned; forgive, and ye will be forgiven.

The goal of The Conductor is to help inform each of us, as responsible people who are looking after the health, safety, and physical and emotional well-being of a child of any age; just being open-minded to any one strategy could benefit the nurturing and development of a child. Consider yourself the coach who is leading him or her in the transition from childhood to confident individual on the pathway to becoming a self-sufficient adult. Proverbs 22:6 is the biblical premise I considered when raising my own children: Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Of course, my hands-on experience in raising children comes directly from my three sons and the two grandsons that spent some time during their early childhood under my parental guidance. Yes, I’ve been in the role of a grandparent raising a grandchild twice by choice for brief periods. I didn’t have to do that, and neither does anyone else. In this life there is