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    3 in 1: Three Works Under One Umbrella
    3 in 1: Three Works Under One Umbrella
    3 in 1: Three Works Under One Umbrella
    Ebook293 pages3 hours

    3 in 1: Three Works Under One Umbrella

    By Q. Kelly

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    About this ebook

    Savings of $4! Individually, these three works cost $2.99 for a total of $8.97. Buy this e-bundle for only $4.99!

    THE GIRL PRINCE AND HER PRINCESS: The king and queen of Athena desperately need a son to marry off to Princess Vexa. She is the unsightly daughter of their neighbor, King Magnatus of Qax. If no prince is born, Magnatus will take over the peaceful Athena and what the heck, kill all the people of the kingdom. When Athena's rulers finally produce an offspring, the queen dies in childbirth. The king finds himself faced with the greatest challenge of all-a girl! Eighteen years later, it's wedding time. Can the deception continue?

    THE OLD WOMAN: Rachel finds out there is a lot more to an old woman than her age.

    FUNERAL: Olivia takes a drastic step to combat lesbian bed death.

    THE LESBIAN CURSE: Becky and Katy are in middle school and tussling over a boy. Becky curses Katy, saying Katy will become a lesbian.

    POLLY WANNA CRACKER: Polly is a bird. A parrot, to be exact. She follows the goings-on of her human family, especially Faye, the daughter, and Glenda, the mother. Polly knows their secrets too. Will Polly spill the beans when she finds herself able to talk after bonking her head against a window?

    HAUNTED: Haunted people? Sure, they're everywhere. Haunted houses? Oooh, spooky. Good movie fodder. Excellent for campfire scares. Haunted cars? They're not unheard of. But haunted pens? Yep, they exist, as Linda and Victoria find out when such a pen brings them together.

    WHAT GIRLFRIEND?: Bobbie hopes her one-night stand won't pull the U-Haul trick.

    FORTUNE: Emma is shocked when a fortune teller reveals a secret only she could have known.

    LILI FROM THE FUTURE: It's a dream many people have; your future self visits you and fucks you.

    LIZZIE: Twelve-year-old Shel is not sure if her best friend means it when he says he's going to kill a person.

    CUPID PULLS A PRANK: For the first time in American history, both the Republicans and the Democrats have female candidates running for president. The Republican is Alice Cowell, and the Democrat is Gillian Marshall. Cupid strikes them during a live, nationwide televised debate, and Alice's and Gillian's reactions shock even Cupid.

    ROXANNE AND MS. WINSLOW: When Roxanne Rogers was eighteen years old, she did a bad thing. A chance encounter at three a.m. may be the opportunity Roxanne needs to make amends.

    TOASTED: Lottie finds out that some women do get toasters for converting straight gals.

    LESBIAN SPEED DATING: Ginny Yost is intrigued when she sees an ad for lesbian speed dating. Will Ginny find the woman she's meant to be with?

    THE JUMPER: Kim tries to talk a woman out of jumping off a bridge.

    MRS. CLAUS'S KLONDYKE SECRET: Candace Claus, a.k.a. Mrs. Santa Claus, is on her yearly two-week cruise with Santa after the madness of the holidays. She is tired of living in the shadow of a man who has gone from jolly to cranky, plus she will no longer deny her true self. The time has come for Candace to fess up to Santa that she's a lesbian.

    WESTINHOFFER, ANDREW BRIAN, 16: Elizabeth thought she said goodbye to Andrew Brian Westinhoffer when he was a baby, but she must force herself to say goodbye again.

    And three more stories!

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherQ. Kelly
    Release dateJun 26, 2014
    ISBN9781310953118
    3 in 1: Three Works Under One Umbrella
    Author

    Q. Kelly

    I live in Washington state, where I am a writer and an editor. I also have a master's degree in deaf education. In my free time, I hike and savor frappuccinos.Fact One: I like corny jokes. If you have any good ones, send them my way!Fact Two: My favorite color is purple, but my writing is gray. Life is not black and white. I often write about issues and characters where there is no "right" answer.Fact Three: I'm weird. I like being weird.Email me at yllek_q@yahoo.com. I'd love to hear from you.Check out my blogs at qkelly.wordpress.com and qkelly.blogspot.com.

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      Book preview

      3 in 1 - Q. Kelly

      3 in 1

      THREE WORKS

      UNDER ONE UMBRELLA

      Q. Kelly

      © 2014 Q. Kelly, Smashwords Edition

      Author’s Note: This version combines the three separate e-book versions of The Girl Prince and Her Princess, Cupid Pulls a Prank and Other Lesbian Tales and The Old Woman and Other Lesbian Stories.

      Acknowledgements for The Girl Prince and Her Princess

      Melanie, my wife, deserves a medal for her support and patience.

      Thank you to all my readers. I mean everyone, including the people who have bought my books and the people who take the time to review them and/or email me. I owe a special debt of gratitude to my editorial readers as well as my beta readers. They include my wife and then (in no particular order!) Dar, Nicki Wachner, Lee Fitzsimmons and Linda S. North. One beta reader wished to not be listed, but her help was tremendous as well.

      Thank you all. You are a big part of what keeps me going.

      Acknowledgements for Cupid Pulls a Prank and Other Lesbian Tales

      Melanie, my wife, deserves a medal for her support and patience.

      Thank you to all my readers. I mean everyone: my beta readers, including Erin Saluta, my editorial readers, the people who have bought my books and the people who took the time to review them and/or email me. Thank you all. You are a big part of what keeps me going.

      Acknowledgements for The Old Woman and Other Lesbian Stories

      Many thanks to Leigh Ann Britt for her excellent work on the cover.

      Q. Kelly on the Web:

      http://qkellybooks.com

      Email: yllek_q@yahoo.com

      Q. Kelly’s Novels

      Reality Lesbian

      Waiting

      All in the Family

      Third

      The Odd Couple

      Switch

      Time and Time Again

      Strange Bedfellows (Book 1 of the Strange Bedfellows Series)

      Three’s a Crowd (Book 2 of the Strange Bedfellows Series)

      Victoria’s Very Awkward Love Story (Book 3 of the Strange Bedfellows Series)

      Q. Kelly’s Novellas

      The Girl Prince and Her Princess

      Love’s Spell

      Woman Unleashed

      One Hour (part of a collection)

      Q. Kelly’s Story Collections

      The Green Pill, One Hour and Other Lesbian Stories

      The Old Woman and Other Lesbian Stories

      Cupid Pulls a Prank and Other Lesbian Tales

      Miss Lucy Parker and Other Short Stories

      Ride the Rainbow Books

      www.ridetherainbowbooks.com

      This book is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead or actual events is coincidental. No part of this book may be reproduced without the permission of the author.

      The Girl Prince and Her Princess: A Fairy Tale Novella

      Copyright © 2012 by Q. Kelly

      Cupid Pulls a Prank and Other Lesbian Tales

      Copyright © 2012 by Q. Kelly

      The Old Woman and Other Lesbian Stories

      Copyright © 2011 by Q. Kelly

      Table of Contents

      The Girl Prince and Her Princess

      This fairy tale is set in the kingdoms of Athena and Qax. It’s a magical brew of a big ol’ juicy problem, generous dollops of secrets, castles, kings and queens, princesses and villains.

      The king and queen of Athena have a problem. They desperately need a son to marry off to Princess Vexa. She is the unsightly daughter of their neighbor, King Magnatus of Qax. If no prince is born, Magnatus will take over the peaceful Athena and what the heck, kill all the people of the kingdom.

      When Athena’s rulers finally produce an offspring, the queen dies in childbirth. The king finds himself faced with the greatest challenge of all—a girl! Boys are scarce, and no one is willing to give up their son to replace the infant girl.

      The ruse is on. The sweet baby girl is named Alexandre and is raised to take on the manly duties of being a prince. Eighteen years later, it’s wedding time. Can the deception continue?

      The Old Woman

      Jessica is a pretty good best friend, but she goes too far when she dares Rachel to ask an old woman on a date. Rachel has no choice; otherwise Jessica will do the asking, and Rachel has no intention of humiliating the old woman. Turns out maybe Jessica’s idea was not so bad after all. There is a lot more to Ada than her age.

      Funeral

      Olivia takes a drastic step to combat lesbian bed death.

      The Lesbian Curse

      Becky and Katy are in middle school and tussling over a boy. Becky curses Katy, saying Katy will become a lesbian.

      Polly Wanna Cracker

      Polly is a bird. A parrot, to be exact. She follows the goings-on of her human family, especially Faye, the daughter, and Glenda, the mother. Polly knows their secrets too. Will Polly spill the beans when she finds herself able to talk after bonking her head against a window?

      Haunted

      Haunted people? Sure, they’re everywhere. Haunted houses? Oooh, spooky. Good movie fodder. Excellent for campfire scares. Haunted cars? They’re not unheard of. But haunted pens? Yep, they exist, as Linda and Victoria find out when such a pen brings them together.

      What Girlfriend?

      Bobbie hopes her one-night stand won’t pull the U-Haul trick.

      Fortune

      Best friends Jackie and Emma go to a fortune teller. Emma is shocked when the teller reveals to Jackie that Emma is her secret admirer.

      Lili from the Future

      It’s a dream many people have; your future self visits you and fucks you.

      Lizzie

      Twelve-year-old Shel is not sure if her best friend means it when he says he’s going to kill a person.

      Cupid Pulls a Prank

      Cupid pulls a prank to end all pranks. For the first time in American history, both the Republicans and the Democrats have female candidates running for president. The Republican is Alice Cowell, and the Democrat is Gillian Marshall. Cupid strikes them during a live, nationwide televised debate, and Alice’s and Gillian’s reactions shock even Cupid.

      Roxanne and Ms. Winslow

      When Roxanne Rogers was eighteen years old, she did a bad thing. A chance encounter at three a.m. may be the opportunity Roxanne needs to make amends.

      Toasted

      Lottie finds out that some women do get toasters for converting straight gals. And not just any old toasters, but toasters of all shapes, sizes and colors. Heck, there’s a blue race car toaster, a zebra toaster and a full-sized purple unicorn toaster. Can Lottie win the toaster of her dreams?

      Lesbian Speed Dating

      Ginny Yost is intrigued when she sees an ad for lesbian speed dating. What happens is a comedy of errors. Will Ginny find the woman she’s meant to be with?

      The Jumper

      Kim tries to talk a woman out of jumping off a bridge.

      Mrs. Claus’s Klondyke Secret

      Candace Claus, a.k.a. Mrs. Santa Claus, is on her yearly two-week cruise with Santa after the madness of the holidays. She is tired of living in the shadow of a man who has gone from jolly to cranky, plus she will no longer deny her true self. The time has come for Candace to fess up to Santa that she’s a lesbian.

      Westinhoffer, Andrew Brian, 16

      Elizabeth is reading the obituaries when one catches her eye. She thought she said goodbye to Andrew Brian Westinhoffer when he was a baby, but she must force herself to say goodbye again.

      So This Woman Meets This Chick Online And...

      A joke from the early days of the Internet goes like this: a young woman sets up a hotel rendezvous with a man she met online. They meet, and turns out he’s her dad. Yep. They cringe in embarrassment and promise to never tell anyone what happened. Guess what? This happens to Jillian too, only she is gay, so the person she encounters in the hotel room is her mom.

      Three Wishes

      Evangeline is tired of being lonely. One day, she comes across a bottle. She rubs it, and out pops a genie. Evangeline can make three wishes. Her first wish is for a woman to be her friend, possibly her lover. But, alas, the path to true love is rarely smooth.

      The Robot

      Ramona is grateful when her scientist husband brings home a prototype for a lifelike maid robot his company is developing. Turns out the robot, Mya, is also functional in the bedroom. Very functional.

      Check out Q. Kelly’s Other Works

      The Girl Prince and Her Princess

      CHAPTER ONE

      The Beginning

      Want a fairy tale that tops everything you’ve heard? I thought so. Pull up a seat. This will be a good one, I promise. I do not boast, mind you. What makes this tale THE BEST is that it’s true. Yep, true, I do declare. I know this for a fact because it’s the story of my great-great-great-great grandparents. What a tale it is! It’s a magical brew of big ol’ juicy problems, generous dollops of secrets, castles, kings and queens, princesses and villains.

      Oh! You little ones, sorry, but you gotta leave. This tale is R-rated and includes sex and all that yummy stuff (and some not-so-yummy stuff). Come back when you’re eighteen!

      Once upon a time, a king and queen with hair of spun gold and eyes of the clear blue sky ruled the land of Athena. They governed with benevolence and good grace. Their subjects loved them. However, as they neared the end of their childbearing years, they had yet to produce a child. They tried and tried, several times a day in fact, with nothing to show for it.

      The kingdom desperately needed a prince, and stress made itself evident. King Attus’s once-thick mane of blond hair receded at an alarming rate, and a new wrinkle appeared on his handsome face every day. Sadness settled in Queen Elizaveta’s eyes, and she took to sitting at windows and sighing wistfully. She stared at nothing in particular.

      If Elizaveta did not bear a son, Athena would fall under the control of King Magnatus of Qax. Rule under him promised to be barbaric; many people claimed Magnatus was as evil as his head was bald. Nearly all people agreed that he was a rather odd-looking little fellow. His hair was concentrated in a bushy black mustache he was quite proud of, and he had little, almost womanly, shoulders. Matchsticks made up his legs, and his only child, a horrid, spoiled and piggish twelve-year-old daughter, was betrothed to Elizaveta’s first son.

      Now, listen carefully to this part. It’s important, quite important. Come on, lean in. This is a part that must be whispered. Magnatus’s wife, Queen Deidre, did not die in childbirth as history claims. There was a reason Magnatus’s shoulders were almost womanly. He was, in fact, a woman!

      He was born a girl named Deidre and married his cousin, the original King Magnatus. After they wed, Deidre developed an easy rapport with a chambermaid who became her trusted confidant. Magnatus and Deidre did not develop a similar rapport, and the maid, Clara, overheard that the king was plotting to banish his wife to the dungeon after their child was born. Clara warned the queen, and Deidre one-upped her husband. She played some favors with the guards, most of them sexual, and gained their loyalty. Magnatus was the person who died in the dungeon.

      In these days, a ruling queen, much less a queen ruling alone, was unheard of. Even in Athena, King Attus was his wife’s superior. The fact that Elizaveta possessed the royal blood mattered not. Deidre, to avoid execution for murder and battles for the crown, chopped off Magnatus’s mustache, shaved her head bald, and became her lookalike cousin. She had studied Magnatus enough to have his mannerisms and speech down cold. She’d also spent enough time in the palace to copy how the ruthless Magnatus operated. Blood marked these days. Deidre ordered the slaughter of Magnatus’s allies and other untrustworthy people who might identify her as Deidre.

      You might think that after these dreadful events, Deidre would want nothing more than peace. Wrong. She had learned the hard way that no one could be trusted, not even her husband. Clara was the person Deidre let closest to her. Even then, she kept the woman at a bit of a distance. They agreed that to avoid suspicion, Deidre should continue as best as possible the policies the original Magnatus had set. Thus, harsh punishments such as immediate execution for anyone who stole Magnatus’s property.

      Now, let’s get back to Magnatus’s daughter.

      Princess Vexa was the apple of her father’s eye, although Magnatus, a.k.a. Deidre, was keenly aware his daughter did not meet standards of beauty. People jested behind the king’s back that Vexa was often mistaken for one of his prized pigs. Furthermore, a never-ending rumor claimed that Queen Deidre died not in childbirth but soon after, when she gazed for the first time upon her child. The countenance of the baby princess was so ghastly, the rumor went, that Deidre’s heart froze and never resumed beating.

      Magnatus made no attempt to quash these rumors. The more fibs that floated out there, the less likely anyone would be to stumble upon the truth.

      He spoiled Vexa rotten. Part of it was because Vexa was not pretty. The other reason: Magnatus misguidedly believed that spoiling Vexa would help make up for her lack of a mother. Before long, rumors of Vexa’s temper tantrums matched, and in some cases, exceeded the rumors of her awful looks.

      So, Magnatus had known that finding a respectable and willing princely suitor for his daughter was next to impossible. Spoiled could be overlooked as long as the girl retained lovely features, and, alas, Vexa did not.

      When Vexa was four years old, Magnatus acted before anyone had the chance to decline her hand in marriage. Athena, the kingdom bordering Qax, was a natural choice, and Magnatus invaded. The takeover proved simple; Athena’s armies were laughable, the king and queen wickedly easy to control. They agreed to produce a son forthwith, and he would marry Vexa. In exchange, Magnatus vowed no harm would come to Athena. He departed the kingdom with a sneer reflecting the bitter taste in his mouth. He did not like King Attus and Queen Elizaveta. They were too nice and bland. The least they could have done was present a modicum of fire, a smidgen of challenge.

      It was at this very moment that fear mixed with wonder struck his heart. He was truly Magnatus now! Deidre had been a good woman, and this person complaining about a king and queen being too nice was, well, not a nice person. Not at all.

      In any case, that was eight years ago. As Princess Vexa neared her thirteenth birthday, Magnatus too was losing hope that Athena’s queen would bear a child.

      One night, Magnatus sat at his massive oak desk. He reviewed maps of faraway kingdoms and concentrated on the layout of a kingdom called Harrah. Harrah’s crown prince, or so Magnatus had heard, was a strapping lad of fifteen years old, with hair the color of strawberry. Problems existed: this prince was betrothed to someone else, and Harrah’s armies easily were four times the size of Magnatus’s forces. The army, the distance and the former Deidre’s inexperience in battle were the main reasons Magnatus had taken his chances with Athena. That gamble, alas, had failed. Apparently, no Athenian child was in the offing.

      Magnatus knew what he had to do, because his reputation as a man, as a king, as a father, bubbled in jeopardy. With a sigh, he smoothed out the wide parchment map of Harrah. He was about to call in his top army commander to strategize an invasion when his squire barreled inside without knocking. The slight, buck-toothed lad with orange hair huffed and puffed, exertion shading his face red.

      What now? Irritation sliced Magnatus’s voice.

      The squire beamed, exposing yellow teeth. Athena’s queen, Your Majesty! She is with child.

      Speech escaped Magnatus for a moment. Then he leapt from his chair, toppling it to the floor. He threw his arms around the squire. By Jove! A happy ending after all!

      CHAPTER TWO

      The Girl Prince

      Trouble marked Queen Elizaveta’s pregnancy, and she nearly lost her baby several times. Through it all, she kept her wits about her, so absolute was her faith in delivering a healthy son. The alternative was unthinkable. The well-being of every single soul in the kingdom depended on her, and she refused to let her subjects down. When Faulk, the palace doctor, his face grim and lined, sat down to tell her and the king that she could die, she held her chin up. She commanded Faulk to save her child at all costs, even if she should lose her own life.

      She went into labor one month early, on a sunny, clear summer day. Only five people were present at the birth: the king and queen, the palace doctor, the king’s private secretary, and, of course, the baby.

      Asamadus, the private secretary, watched with bated breath. He had returned the day before from a journey that took him through the kingdom, which was huge in land mass but tiny in population. His mission, in case the baby turned out to be a girl, was to find hugely pregnant women and newborn boys. Dismay had overtaken Asamadus: baby girls, baby girls, baby girls everywhere, and scant pregnant women.

      He swallowed as Queen Elizaveta grunted with the pain of her final push. The queen’s face was drained, her color unhealthy. Asamadus knew she was in the last stages of her life.

      When the wails of an infant pierced the air, Asamadus shoved his way past the king, studiously avoiding the blood and gore covering the queen and the floor. Asamadus stared at the pink, squalling bundle in the doctor’s arms.

      A girl. The baby was an infernal girl. Damn it.

      Do we have a boy? the queen asked in a reedy, hoarse wheeze that barely penetrated Asamadus’s consciousness.

      King Attus answered, his voice strong and unwavering: We have a beautiful, healthy boy. He took her hands in his. We did it.

      Elizaveta looked up at the king, tears glimmering in her eyes. I knew it’d be a boy, she whispered.

      He shall be called Alexandre, the king said. Like your father.

      Everyone shall be safe. The queen’s face softened, and her gaze drifted to a faraway place.

      That’s right, darling. Attus fought back tears. He sat by Elizaveta’s side for what seemed like an eternity. Asamadus tried to see her through the king’s eyes: taking in every last detail of her face, her finely curved eyelashes, the full, pink lips that had whispered sweet nothings into his ears countless times.

      But Asamadus could not.

      Because of that damn girl baby.

      At last, King Attus held his arms out. I wish to hold my son.

      Faulk handed the baby, swaddled in coarse gray cloth, to the king. Tiny fists pounded the air, and Attus’s blue eyes widened in delight. A small smile crept across his face.

      Asamadus cleared his throat. Your Majesty, you do realize the child is not a son.

      The king grunted. Compose a message to King Magnatus that our part of the agreement is fulfilled.

      Asamadus bowed his head in a show of respect. Pardon me, but how will you achieve this deception?

      I will find a way.

      But—

      A glare from King Attus silenced Asamadus, and Attus directed a second glare at Faulk. Go outside and announce that a prince is born.

      Yes, Your Majesty. Faulk inclined his head and was gone.

      There’s no way! Asamadus cried. And when King Magnatus finds out, he will slay us all!

      Attus kissed his child’s forehead. This will take hard work and creativity. But it has to be done. And it will be done. Otherwise, Magnatus’s army will come in, pillage, rape and kill. We have too much at stake, and this will gain us time until we find a boy.

      Asamadus sighed. The king was right; options were few. Even if the king remarried and his wife bore a child, it wouldn’t matter. The royal blood had run in Elizaveta’s veins, not Attus’s.

      Very well, Asamadus said. He took a tentative step forward and met the baby’s blue eyes. Honored to meet you, Prince Alexandre. Asamadus bowed, and the royal child squalled.

      **

      When Alexandre was two months old, Magnatus sent a message demanding to see and approve of the child. Attus replied, agreeing to embark on the three-day journey to Qax with his son and a royal party. Since the birth, Asamadus had searched high and low for a baby boy of any age

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