A Walk Around Audubon

By Autumn Russell

Copyright 2014 Autumn Russell

Smashwords Edition

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Thank you to Todd Hebertson for the cover design

And to Elisabeth Hallett for the editing of this book

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Come join me on a walk around Audubon. Walk right into the lives of four very eccentric characters. You’ll first meet five-foot Hester and his wife six-nine Mavis. Along the way, you’ll also be introduced to their good friend and boarder, Tallulah. Although originally from West Africa, she’s lived in the United States for many years and still struggles in her quest to learn how to drive. She has many mishaps along the way, one in particular being a hair disaster that leaves her bald. Finally you’ll meet Hester’s second cousin, retired psychologist, Doctor Quack. He practices a very unorthodox form of therapy and is sought after by Mavis and Tallulah, when Hester’s love for animals takes an extreme turn. After discovering the carefully preserved body of a rat in the freezer, they decide it’s time for an intervention. With the state park and Spokane River nearby, the occasional wildlife finds their way into Audubon as well. Join these wacky beloved characters as they meander through one misadventure after another. A Walk Around Audubon is delightfully dysfunctional and explores the inherent need for change. It’s about very ordinary circumstances, amidst basic conflicts of everyday life, seen with a humorous twist.

NOTE FROM AUTHOR

These characters are fictitious and are not to be copied by any individual sane or otherwise. To do so may cause loss of hair, unemployment, personal injury, possibly even death, and many more undesirable outcomes too numerous to mention. Consider yourself forewarned. Now come along with me for a walk around Audubon…

Let’s begin by going back to where all stories start, the beginning, of course. Life was going fine and was rather ordinary for Hester and Mavis… well, maybe a little too ordinary. Mundane might be a better word. Anyway, one day Hester came home from the bakery and decided he was unhappy with his life. And it all seemed to start on an ordinary day of an ordinary week. Where one mishap inexplicably led to a series of mishaps… which led to… well, you’ll see… and so we begin A Walk Around Audubon.

PROLOGUE

Hester awoke to an eerie, raspy cry. The sound came from the front of the house near the porch where the cats slept. He fell out of bed with a loud thud. The coyotes! The coyotes are here! I need to hurry and get out there to help the woodland creatures. There’s no time to waste, he said, while awkwardly trying to slip on some shoes, but in his haste he stumbled over them, accidentally knocking them under the bed.

Mavis opened her eyes long enough to fix him with a groggy stare. You’d best hurry then, my dear, she mumbled, before turning over and going back to sleep.

Not wanting to take the time to crawl under the bed to retrieve them, Hester resorted to wearing a pair of Mavis’s slippers. To ensure they’d stay on during the chase, he secured the slippers to his feet with a string of yarn. They were long and floppy on his much smaller feet and made for an awkward fit. At a glance, someone could easily imagine him to be a small child playing dress up, but on closer inspection, it would be obvious to anyone that Hester was a very short older man. It also would be clear at a glance that the slippers he wore weren’t for the average sized woman, but were meant for somebody very tall.

Without further preamble, Hester quickly and clumsily stumbled out the front door and down the steps. There they were. The coyotes spotted him at the same time he spotted them. It seemed he’d gotten out too late. A freshly killed squirrel lay bleeding on his front walk. Twisting his lips into a particularly vicious snarl, Hester took off running toward them. The coyotes ran down the road; in their rush to escape they were forced to abandon the fresh kill.

Hester chased them down the street, up the block and into the park, stumbling all the way. Knowing they could easily outrun him, the coyotes kept at a clipped pace, ensuring they’d always remain a safe distance from the enraged little man. Although it was nearing the end of winter, a blanket of snow still covered the ground. When Hester chased them downhill through the park, the oversized slippers worked like skis. Still growling while zigzagging in all directions, Hester picked up momentum and zoomed toward the coyotes at an alarming speed.

Cackling in delight, he watched as they scattered in different directions, and in their panic, one or two actually tumbled the rest of the way down the hill. Hester watched gleefully as they scrambled to their feet and raced from the park, but his victory was short-lived when he realized he couldn’t stop. With a warbled cry, Hester saw too late that he was heading right for a snowman. Squeezing his eyes shut, he braced himself for the fast approaching collision. In the next second, there was a jarring thud and an icy cold hit as the snowman toppled over onto him. By the time Hester crawled out from the snow, everything on him was soaked, including the slippers.

Mavis wouldn’t be happy about this, he knew that, but it couldn’t be helped. He had no other choice but to chase the coyotes away before they hurt any more neighborhood animals. They’d already killed that poor squirrel. The little guy never even had a chance. The thought of it brought tears to his eyes. The first thing he’d do when he got home was change into a pair of dry clothes, stoke the fire, and find a proper box to bury the squirrel in. The time he took fastening the string of yarn to the slippers was probably the time it took the coyotes to kill the squirrel. That knowledge disturbed him. Next time he’d be more careful about where he left his shoes.

He trudged back to the house, and paused where the inert squirrel still lay. Stooping to pick it up, Hester brought it inside with him. Mavis and Tallulah were both still asleep. He was glad of that, because he knew they’d have a fit bordering on a conniption if they caught him in the house with it. After changing into a fresh pair of clothes, Hester agonized over the proper box to put the squirrel in. Moments later, he found just the right one, with the right dimensions. Going out into the backyard, he got out a pickaxe and began digging a shallow grave. Mavis’s slippers were set to dry by the fireplace. By the time Hester got back inside after burying the squirrel, he found coffee brewing. Mavis and Tallulah were already up, sitting in the living room reading the paper. He poured himself a cup and recounted the events of that morning to them, but was careful to leave out the part about bringing in the dead squirrel.

Later that day, Hester got out his spotting scope, crouched low amongst some bushes in the front yard, and peered out at the neighborhood. This was something he routinely did. This way he could keep a better watch on all the animals around and near his house. The park was visible from this vantage point and allowed him to spot the coyotes when and if they came around. Little Annie, his pet squirrel would sit atop his head during these clandestine moments. She always stayed right with him and was such a good little girl. Invariably, Mavis would come out to see what he was doing and ruin it all by breaking his concentration.

CHAPTER ONE

The last of the snow had melted and winter had come and gone. It was the beginning of a very wet spring. Hester shut off the wipers in the bread truck as he pulled into the lot of his favorite diner. He was on his lunch break and wanted to hurry, so he could finish his run and get home. Preoccupied with thoughts of his two pet squirrels, Abbot and Annie, Hester walked into the crowded diner. After using the restroom, he stepped back out into the throng of people. Taking his place in line, he patiently waited his turn, while doing his best to ignore the stares he sensed directed his way. When it was time for him to place his order, Hester took a step forward and stumbled on something dangling at his feet. He looked to see what he’d tripped on and much to his chagrin, saw it was his suspenders. In his rush, he realized, he’d forgotten to pull them back up. Hester left his place in line and tried not to meet the many stares. Heat climbed quickly to his face. He wended his way through the crowd, while doing his best to try to somehow tuck them back into his pants, but that only worsened the situation as they kept falling back down.

Wanting nothing more than to leave, Hester rushed for the door and in his haste stumbled over his suspenders. Once outside, he took off at a dead run toward the bread truck, when he felt his feet go out from underneath him, and much to his surprise, found himself lying in a puddle of mud. Hester climbed into the truck and drove back to the bakery. Getting off work late, he noticed in disappointment that it was already midnight. With the awkward blunder still very much playing in his mind, Hester drove to the grocery store, hoping it would still be open. Pulling into the almost empty but well-lit parking lot, he cut the engine and sat there for a moment giving the area a preliminary sweep of his eyes. Although very few cars remained, he noticed that the lights were still on inside the store. He even spied a few workers walking past the windows. It looked open enough to him and, he reasoned, there was talk about certain stores keeping longer hours. Just the other week, Hester remembered hearing that some places were going to start staying open all night. This had to be one of them. And after a closer look, he was sure of it.

This was perfect because the little animals needed some more fresh fruit and vegetables. At least something was finally working out for him. Anxious to do some shopping, Hester got out and crossed over to the front doors of the store. He was surprised to find that they were only a few inches apart. Waving a hand in front of them, he waited patiently for them to respond. When that didn’t work, he decided they must be malfunctioning. This was the very reason why he hated technology. If things were back to the way they were a hundred years ago, then nothing would malfunction. Instead of automatic doors, there would be wooden doors. Nowadays people were too lazy to do things themselves, they all thought they needed everything done for them, and that really irked him.

Well, he wasn’t going to be helpless like everybody else. Determining to find a way into the store, Hester saw there was a wide enough gap between the glass doors for him to fit his fingers into, at least enough for him to get a good grip. Hester spent the next few minutes pulling and prying them apart. There was now a wide enough opening for him to squeeze through. Upon entry, he found the store to be pleasantly quiet and empty. Good. The last thing he wanted was to be in a crowd of shoppers. This, he reminded himself, was just one of the benefits of midnight shopping.

With cart in hand, Hester leisurely strolled down the aisles, and began plucking things off the shelf. He couldn’t believe his good fortune. There literally wasn’t a single other shopper there. He had the whole store to himself. This, he decided, was just the thing to rid his mind of the earlier embarrassment. When he’d made it to the produce, Hester began perusing the fruit, then started filling his cart with everything he knew the little animals would love. A loud shout broke his concentration. Hester paused to look around, searching where the shout came from. A young man, clearly a store worker, stood there staring at him. Hey, dude, we’re closed!

Mumbling something about being sorry and not realizing the store was closed, Hester hurriedly retraced his steps, putting everything back. Of course the store was closed, why hadn’t he realized that? It all seemed so obvious now. Having to pry open the front doors, then finding the place deserted, all pointed to one thing, and he should’ve known better. Worse yet, he’d inadvertently committed a break and entry that could warrant a call to the authorities if any of the store workers chose to.

Coming up to the exit, Hester found that the doors he’d pried open only moments earlier were now almost all the way closed. Desperate to find a way out, he scanned the area and spotted some nearby umbrellas. With an umbrella now in hand, Hester wedged it between the two doors until there was a wide enough gap for him to squeeze through. Racing across the parking lot, Hester got in his truck and sped away. The events of the day settled in on him as he drove home. The word embarrassing, he thought, was an understatement. First, the diner, which was bad enough, but then even something as simple as grocery shopping turned into a disaster. He could only imagine what Mavis and Tallulah would say when he told them.

~~~

Later in the week, Hester heard some disturbing rumors that were circulating through the bakery.

They troubled him greatly. This wasn’t the first upsetting bit of news he’d overheard about the other workers and their personal lives, but for some reason this particular rumor bothered him the most.

After calling out a hello to the family of skunks and raccoons that frequented the front yard, Hester burst into the house and collapsed on the sofa. I just can’t take all the drama at the bakery anymore.

Mavis, who sat seated on the opposite sofa, looked up from her knitting in surprise. Take what? What drama?

I guess one of the drivers is getting a separation from his wife. I don’t know much about it, but you know how the bakery is. Everybody always talks about everybody else. The whole thing is just so sad to me. I hate seeing people separate. Sighing heavily, Hester grabbed the remote and flipped on the television. He stared unseeing at the infomercial filling up the screen. You won’t one day leave me, will you? He widened his eyes and blinked away a mist of tears.

Of course not, said Mavis.

I think it’s his wife who wants the separation, I don’t think he does. Hester paused. You know, that’s something I’ve often noticed about women.

What’s that? Mavis twisted her lips.

They’re more uncaring and colder than men are.

I’d have to say that I don’t agree with you. I think it goes both ways, said Mavis.

Hester frowned and fell silent. It just makes me feel so bad.

Perhaps they’ll work it out. A small smile played at the corners of Mavis’s lips.

Hester looked over just in time to see her smile. You sure are an unfeeling heartless thing.

I’m sorry, my dear, I’m just sick of hearing it. I’d like it if we could talk about something else now. This conversation is making me tired.

You’re not the only one tired. I’m really tired. While you’re sitting here at home knitting, I’m a constant slave to the bakery.

For someone who’s supposedly tired, you sure do find a lot of energy to get up at all hours of the night to check on the squirrels in the park.

I have responsibilities and things I have to do. The little squirrels depend on me. I have to make sure they always have a fresh supply of water, and that they aren’t being bothered by the coyotes.

Mavis smiled patiently. Yes, my dear, I know you feel that way. All I’m saying is that I’d like for you not to disturb me in the process.

That can’t be helped. There are things around here that need to be done, and I’m always the one who has to do them. If it were up to you, this whole yard and house would be in shambles.

All I’m saying is that I know what it’s like to be tired, that’s all, said Mavis.

You don’t know anything of the sort. I’m constantly at the bakery working to support us without any help from you, said Hester.

Well, do I ever have news for you—I know more about working than you might think. I’m constantly working around this house, cooking, cleaning, and running errands all day. Mavis’s lips thinned into flat lines. And if you really want to know, a good share of my energy is spent waiting on you.

Hester looked away and leaned against his hand. All I know is that something has to change before I go insane.

Yes, it certainly does, said Mavis.

What’s wrong with you anyway? What are you in such a grouchy mood for?

Well, let’s see here… on a daily basis I have to hear about how much you hate your job, and how much you want to quit, and I can only listen patiently for so long, said Mavis.

Do you want me to be miserable for the rest of my life?

Certainly not.

I feel like you’re not understanding me right now, said Hester.

All I ever do is listen to you complain, and I can only be so understanding for so long before I’ve just had it, said Mavis.

A long silence followed.

If I quit, are you going to leave me and go to Seattle where our kids live?

Not bothering to answer the question, Mavis tossed back her head and exclaimed, Oh yes, quit! By all means quit! She made a show of stomping her feet. It would be a blessing if you quit. Maybe I’d finally get some peace.

I’m serious. Are you going to leave me if I do quit?

Calm once more, Mavis said, No, my dear, I’m not going to leave you.

But would you be upset with me?

No, my dear, I wouldn’t. Mavis stretched and yawned.

It bothers me when you act this way. It makes me feel bad, said Hester.

I’m sorry you feel bad, my dearest, but I just have had it. I can only reassure you for so long.

Do I make you miserable?

No, you don’t make me miserable. But you’re going to if you keep it up, said Mavis.

Being stuck at the bakery just makes me feel so unhappy. I don’t like being trapped and that’s how I’m feeling right now. Hester stared dismally ahead. I want the simple life. I don’t want to spend my whole life working. What’s the point of that? It seems so meaningless really.

Mavis gave a decided nod and said, I think you should quit. I really do.

Really? Hester’s eyes lit up. I mean you think so? You really think I should?

I absolutely think so. In fact the sooner the better as far as I’m concerned.

Hester was about to give a reply when he looked at the clock and noticed how late it was getting. My little woodland beauties need to be fed. He ran into the kitchen where he grabbed a plate, and began cutting up fruit, then hurried out the back door to the animal shed.

Mavis turned off the TV, and after making herself another cup of cocoa, sat down to knit.

~~~

Hester put in his two-week notice at the bakery and was ecstatic when his last day arrived.

During his many years there, he and Mavis had built a good savings. Not enough to where Hester didn’t have to work again, but enough to last them for a couple of years and pay for Mavis’s antidepressants and doctor visits. Not long after leaving the bakery, Hester decided that he wanted to be a barista, so he went and applied at a nearby coffee shop and a few days later got the job.

He’d spent so many years at the bakery that he saw this as an opportunity to do something completely different. In some inexplicable way, this seemed like the perfect start in a journey of self-discovery. There was something about brewing coffee and making lattes all day that Hester found appealing.

When he first announced this new career choice to Mavis, she was surprised and somewhat disappointed, but was careful not to let him know that. If this was what needed to happen for Hester to realize that he needed to stay at the bakery or get a similar job, then that’s what would happen. Somehow, though, she’d never expected Hester to choose something that would be such a dramatic cut in pay.

Although they were financially stable now, Mavis didn’t know how long they would remain that way. Not wanting to deplete their savings, she decided to start doing a lot of their shopping on credit cards.

~~~

Hester made his ninth cup of coffee that morning. Here’s your cinnamon spice. He handed the young couple their drink.

A small dog peered out from a baby carrier strapped to the man’s chest.

You must love animals like I do, said Hester.

The man grinned and patted the dog. We’ve had him for three months now and already he’s just like part of the family.

I have two squirrels at home that I’ve raised from babies, said Hester.

The couple was visibly impressed and began asking questions. After they left, Hester recognized the next customer, a middle-aged man who lived down the street from him.

The neighbor recognized Hester as well and said, I didn’t know you worked here!

I actually just started. This is my first day, said Hester.

You’ll probably see me a lot. I usually come in every morning before work. So how do you like it so far?

I’m tickled pink to be here and don’t know why I didn’t leave the bakery sooner, said Hester.

Genuine surprise crossed his neighbor’s face. Good for you. Most people couldn’t do that. Sometimes I wish I could change vocations, but my wife wouldn’t let me, and I’m too old to be starting over someplace new.

I should probably be more that way in my thinking, but I’m not. Hester chuckled. Money and job security are things I’ve never cared about. So long as I have my animals, I’m content. I’m just weird that way, I guess.

Well, good luck with that. I look forward to seeing you around. I’ll have to tell my wife you’re working here now, she’ll be surprised.

Here you go. Beaming, Hester handed the drink to him.

The neighbor took a sip and said, Mmm, delicious. Now that’s a good cup of coffee.

Pleased with himself, Hester bade the man goodbye and went on to the next customer. The day was a busy blur of brewing coffee, mixing lattes, giving out shots of espresso, greeting customers, and in Hester’s case lots of visiting. By the end of the day, Hester’s feet were sore from standing on them, and his voice was almost hoarse from talking, but it was worth it, he thought. He’d met many interesting people who shared stories with him about their pets. Almost everybody seemed to enjoy hearing about Annie and Abbot and his other animals. Even his new co-workers were fascinated with it. They all were probably thinking about what a crazy old coot he must be, but Hester didn’t mind, he liked crazy and crazy was what he’d be. Before leaving, he purchased a pound of coffee he thought Mavis might like. On the short drive home, he couldn’t help but smile.

~~~

Mavis stood at the stove making pudding and looked up in time to see Hester burst in through the front door. Wow, you’re home early.

No, I’m not.

You’re not?

I put in eight hours, said Hester.

Mavis looked at the time. Oh, I see you did.

Hester rushed into the kitchen and quickly filled up a plate with food. I gotta get out there to my little animals. I’m sure they’re very hungry by now. I’ll be in soon.

All right my dearest, the pudding will be done shortly.

Hester came in moments later and sat down in the living room. Forget about cooking right now and come out and talk to me for a bit. I want to tell you about my day.

All right, then at least let me turn off the stove first. Mavis walked into the room and stared over expectantly at Hester. Well, my dearest, how did your day go?

Hester beamed. I can honestly say I’ve never enjoyed working at a place more.

Genuine surprise crept across her face. You do?

Yes, and that just goes to show how much you know. You didn’t think I’d like it. Surprisingly enough, I met quite a few others who love animals as much as I do.

Mavis awkwardly stretched out her long legs in an attempt to get comfortable.

And now I’m beginning to think that I may have finally found my calling in life. Hester’s eyes lit up. I really do.

Mavis only nodded but made no reply.

As if sensing her skepticism, Hester said, I’m serious, I really am. I’m not just saying this, you know.

I know, I believe you, said Mavis.

And do you want to know something that I discovered about myself?

What did you discover?

That in all actuality I really do love people.

I’m very glad to hear that, said Mavis.

I also discovered an inner talent of mine, said Hester.

What’s that?

That I have a talent for making a good cup of coffee.

I see. I’m very impressed.

I mean a really good cup. Not just any cup of coffee but a perfect cup!

Mavis said nothing, only nodded.

Noticing the look on her face, Hester said, You’re such a cynic. It really gets to me at times.

I’m sorry if you think I’m cynical. I certainly don’t mean to be, said Mavis.

There’s an art to mixing and making drinks, including your basic coffee.

Biting back a sigh, Mavis listened quietly.

In a short amount of time, I’ve become a connoisseur of coffee. Believe it or not, I’ve learned a lot. And we’re going to start making it the proper way here at home.

Unmoved, Mavis said, I see.

From now on you’re not to touch the coffeepot. I’m the only one from this day forward who will make it.

By all means, go for it, my dear. You may take over all the other chores too if you like, said Mavis.

Don’t be so smart-alecky, said Hester.

I’m glad you want to take over making the morning coffee. What a relief that’ll be. A grin formed on her lips. And I’m certainly not meaning to be smart-alecky, my dearest.

You’re making fun of me, I can see it in your eyes, said Hester.

Why, not at all, my dearest.

Forgive me if I’m not up on all the latest words and phrases like you. You were probably a snot-nosed brat in high school who hung out with the cool crowd, accused Hester.

I had friends, but I was never in the so-called cool group by any means. I actually had quite a few difficulties with my size. You know, my dearest, it’s not the easiest thing to be six-nine and a girl in high school or six-nine, period, for that matter. I’m so tall it’s a challenge to even fit into a car. Good lord!

I’m short and you don’t see me complaining, do you?

No, my dearest, I don’t. But there’s a big difference between my larger and your smaller size. Believe me, it’s not easy. I’d trade places with you in a heartbeat if I could. Just to buy clothes I have to shop at the Lovely and Colossal. You have no idea how that feels.

I know more about it than you might think. I have to shop at the Short and Small. Unlike you, I just don’t let that kind of stuff bother me.

I’m very much aware of that, since I’m the one who shops for your clothes. And not all of them are from the Short and Small shop. Although you should see the looks I get during the rare times, I do shop for you there. More often than not I get most of your clothes from the sales rack in the children’s section at the mall, said Mavis.

Oh. Well, no wonder some of my clothes look the way they do. Now I know the truth. I’m sure you’d never shop that way for yourself. I notice how you always make sure all your clothes come from a boutique.

I couldn’t shop that way for myself. That would be impossible!

Yeah, well, I still think you were a brat in high school, said Hester.

I’m sorry you feel that way, my dearest, but that’s simply not true. I’ve just never heard anyone other than you use the word smart-alecky.

That’s just the way I talk. What’s the big deal with that, huh?

Why, nothing at all, my dearest, said Mavis, her words belied by the smile on her face.

Changing the subject, Hester said, Now that I’ve learned how to make a real cup of coffee, I can’t abide your amateur, less-than-perfect brew.

Mavis visibly stiffened. How very nice of you to say.

Hester didn’t seem to notice the offended expression on her face, but instead shot up and rushed into the kitchen. I’m going to show you how it’s done and make a delicious pot right now.

Mavis followed after him and said, Isn’t it a little late?

Hester was already measuring out grounds. No, of course it’s not.

It’s not?

It’s never too late for a cup of coffee, now please just let me enjoy myself.

Mavis reluctantly stood back and watched. She listened in boredom as he chattered on about how to measure out coffee grounds, and the time that should be spent grinding the beans.

CHAPTER TWO

A few weeks went by and everything seemed to be going fine. Wonderful really, until one morning, Hester arrived at the coffee shop and his new job didn’t seem so wonderful anymore. The first customer of the day placed a snarky order of a tall black coffee.

Hester grinned and handed it to her.

Without saying a word, she took a sip and thrust it back. This isn’t what I ordered. I explicitly said no cream.

Hester frowned and redid the order. Once the disgruntled woman had left, the manager approached him and said, I need to talk to you for a moment.

Yeah, said Hester.

We’ve had some complaints, she began.

Complaints, Hester’s eyebrows drew together, about me, you mean?

Yes, every single one of them about you.

A grim look shadowed his face. Exactly how many are we talking about?

Well, let’s see here, splaying out her fingers she started counting, one, two, three, four, five, five complaints and every single one of them is about you. Her voice softened at his obvious distress. They’re saying that you talk too much. And a few others are saying that you’re getting the orders wrong.

Hester ran his fingers down his face and heaved a sigh. Well, what do you want me to do?

Giving him a pat on the back, she said, Talk less and listen more. Now get back to work.

Hester finished the day out in a dreary mood.

~~~

Mavis was at the sink doing dishes when Hester got home. She went out in the living room and listened patiently while