Soulmates: Following Inner Guidance to the Relationship of Your Dreams

Publications.

1

Going about Things

All Wrong

The whole conviction of my life now rests upon the belief that loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon, peculiar to myself and a few other solitary men, is the central and inevitable fact of human existence

—Thomas Wolfe

Like a lot of people who grew up in dysfunctional families, I had always found intimate relationships complicated and frustrating. By my early forties I had worked my way through a long succession of painful love affairs without ever finding the soulmate for whom I longed. Each relationship began with such high hopes, only to end in disillusionment and heartbreak. The men I loved, didn’t love me—or at least, not enough. The men who loved me, I didn’t love—or again, not enough.

Nor was there any indication that my luck was about to change. My relationship with my then-sweetheart Brent was turning out much the same. I’d been seeing this fascinating man for the better part of a year. We got along wonderfully well together, and he said he loved me. But despite the magical moments we shared, Brent’s time was largely taken up with his business, and we weren’t getting together as often as I would have liked. As the months wore on and the situation did not improve, I had to face the fact that I was not the chief priority in Brent’s life.

My reaction was to obsess about the relationship constantly, trying to figure out how to make Brent see how perfect we would be for each other. It seemed absurd that this highly accomplished, sensitive, and spiritual man couldn’t recognize the mistake he was making in placing so much more importance on his career than on our relationship. Why didn’t he understand that life is about sharing love, not making money?

The possibility that I might not be everything Brent was looking for in a woman was one I was frankly unprepared to consider. No, this was definitely about Brent’s misplaced values, not about me! Everything would be perfect as soon as I got him straightened out. Nonetheless, I was not about to approach the problem of changing my lover’s mind head-on. At some level I was aware that if I asked Brent about his reservations, he just might tell me.

I figured that my best strategy was to make Brent feel he needed me, while at the same time convincing him that he would be bad and wrong if he hesitated to commit. On the one hand he would see what a great time we had when we were together, and what an ideal, utterly undemanding wife I would make. On the other, I would find subtle ways to show him how hurt I was by his neglect. There would be plenty of time to ask Brent what he thought once I was sure that he would say what I wanted to hear. In the meantime, I’d just continue to give the impression that I couldn’t care less whether the relationship ever went anywhere.

Reaching for Guidance

My obsession with getting Brent to commit began to occupy just about all of the time and attention I could spare from my career as a psychologist and university faculty member. At the time, I was studying meditation with a spiritual teacher and counselor named Carmela Corallo, and was also deeply involved in studying the spiritual text A Course in Miracles.* Both encouraged me to believe that through meditation, I could learn to access the advice of an inner guide who would help me realize my highest possibilities. Prepared to accept help from any quarter, I began to set aside time each morning to reach within for guidance about my relationship.

I would still my thoughts, invite my inner teacher to speak to me, and then fall silent to listen for a response. And sure enough, it wasn’t long before answers started coming. I was soon holding daily dialogues with an inner voice which purported to be that of a fully enlightened male guide. This inner presence welcomed my questions, and his responses were consistently insightful. The only problem was that his perspective on my relationship wasn’t very much to my liking.

I guess I had been assuming that if I had a guide, he or she would be solidly on my side. Where my love life was concerned, I figured my companion spirit would commiserate with me over my romantic misfortunes, alert me to the faults and hidden motivations of the men I dated, and generally show me how to get my relationships to turn out the way I wanted.

Unfortunately, the guide I actually got seemed to have a very different conception of his role. He was anything but sympathetic when I poured out my pain and anger over the ways the men in my life had let me down, it wasn’t possible to engage him on the subject of Brent’s faults, and when it came to finding strategies to make the guy commit, my guide was no help at all. It quickly became apparent that my companion spirit wasn’t the least bit interested in the ways the men in my life had mistreated me. All he ever wanted to talk about was how badly I mistreated them!

Scarcely a meditative session went by without some comment from my guide about the way I was trying to impose my will on Brent. I deeply resented his implication that I was some sort of designing woman. Besides, what was I supposed to do? Give Brent complete freedom to make up his own mind about our relationship without reference to my needs and desires? What if I gave him his choice and he left?

Nevertheless, my guide was relentless in pointing out the negative effects of my high-pressure tactics. I had been aware that my boyfriend’s mother and ex-wife had often controlled him through guilt, and my inner voice now showed me that, as a result, there was a part of Brent that deeply believed he was a destructive person who always hurt the women he loved. According to my guide, Brent was convinced that love relationships necessarily involved suffering and sacrifice. He could either give up the things he wanted to please a woman, or else do what was best for himself at the cost of hurting her. There was no way for both to win.

My guide claimed that a large part of Brent’s reluctance to commit to our relationship was due to his fear of disappointing me, and having to feel even guiltier than he already did. And here I was, playing upon his bad feelings about himself, and calling it love. What had Brent ever done to me, my guide gently inquired, that he deserved to be treated with such a gross lack of consideration and respect?

I once heard meditation described as one long series of humiliations, and during this period, that characterization struck me as apt. My guide devoted a number of our morning discussions to pointing out the ways I had used my feminine wiles to ensnare men and bend them to my will. I remember one session when I was feeling especially sorry for myself. Why do I always have to get mixed up with such incredibly stubborn, inflexible men? I moaned.

I thought it should have been obvious that the question was rhetorical, but my guide wasn’t about to miss this opportunity. Because you would have pulverized anyone less tough, he had the nerve to reply.

Well, thanks a lot! I snarled. You seem to think I’m a real bitch!

Not a bitch, came the response. "But don’t kid yourself. You have all of the power of any child of God, and when you focus it to dominate the mind of someone else, you are a very formidable opponent. If you hadn’t recognized that fact at some level, and had the good sportsmanship to pick men who were strong enough to stand up to you, you’d have done even more damage.

Actually, he continued, you deserve a certain amount of credit for not taking unfair advantage of guys who wouldn’t have stood a chance against you. As it is, I’ve had to search the four corners of the globe to find you partners who are accomplished psychic warriors themselves. You throw the whole power of your mind against theirs, and then wonder why things aren’t working out amicably.

"But I don’t mean to hurt anyone," I protested.

Of course you don’t, he responded. "You are just trying to get the men in your life to do what you think will be best for both of you. But don’t you see how arrogant it is for you to insist on being the one who knows what is best? God gave your partners free will too. They get to have their own point of view, and to decide for themselves what is best for them."

But if everyone is just going to go their own way, doing their own thing, how do people ever get together? I demanded.

"They get together if, and when, they both want the same things. People properly commit to each other when they both believe that doing so serves their own individual purposes. And they properly stay together just as long as that continues to be true.

"It doesn’t look as though Brent sees a future with you as the thing that will make him happy. You may think he’s making a bad decision—and you may even be right. But the point is that it’s his decision to make. It’s perfectly all right to try to persuade him of your point of view, but it isn’t fair to try to put him under some sort of sexual spell, or coerce him with guilt. He shouldn’t be tricked, or made to feel like a bad person for not wanting the same things you do."

Little by little I began to face the fact that I was trying to make Brent do something he did not think was in his own best interests, just because I had decided that it would be best for both of us. Put like that, it really didn’t sound like a very nice thing to do. I certainly wouldn’t have wanted anyone to do that to me.

Gradually I came to see that behind my mask of innocence and fragility, I had been shockingly manipulative. This was not love, my guide pointed out, but naked violence. I was using my sexuality like a rope, and my talent for inspiring guilt like a gun, in an effort to dominate and control a man whose only offense had been to care for me. The fact that my intentions had been good counted for very little in light of my ruthless behavior.

Still, it didn’t seem all that fair that I was being asked to accept responsibility for such unattractive motives when I had been completely unaware that this was what I had been doing. My guide was quick to point out, however, that it had been my choice to keep these machinations out of consciousness. That way I could rationalize that I was an innocent victim of the men in my life, while feeling free to do them psychic violence whenever it suited my purposes. I could control them while they were busy feeling guilty about allegedly controlling me!

Worse yet, my guide began to insist that it wasn’t enough to simply acknowledge my destructive behavior to him in my meditations. He said I ought to tell Brent exactly what I’d been doing to him, and then release him to come or go as he thought best. We spent weeks arguing about this, but my guide is a much better debater than I am. He made a very compelling argument for releasing Brent and moving on to look for someone who wanted the same things I did out of life. Listening to him, I would find it obvious that there was really nothing else to do.

But then I’d come out of meditation and slip off into romantic fantasies about how wonderful everything was going to be when Brent came to see things my way! These idyllic reflections alternated with images of the tragically lonely life I would have if the relationship didn’t work out. If I lost Brent, maybe I would never find anyone to love and marry. I would be alone forever. I couldn’t bear to think about it. But then, why should I think about it, when I was so close to inducing Brent to come around? So what if it did involve a little friendly persuasion? He would thank me in the end!

But in the end, I was the one who came around. I reluctantly surrendered to my guide’s point of view. All right, I said grimly. What do you want me to do?

My inner voice indicated that I should call Brent up, ask him to come over, and then acknowledge to him all the ways I had been trying to manipulate him through sex and guilt. I should reveal every dark recess of my thoughts about him, and then assure him that in reality, he had been a great blessing in my life and that I had only gained through knowing him. Then I was supposed to release him to find a new partner with my gratitude and blessings.

Well, I did it, although the conversation was one of the most excruciating experiences I’ve ever had. It was unbelievably embarrassing saying out loud all of the sneaky, mean-spirited things I had done to make Brent feel bad about himself.

Remember that time in the restaurant when you said, ‘x’ and I said, ‘y’? And you wound up feeling so awful? Well, I just did it to make you think you’d said something really insensitive that hurt me a lot.

Brent seemed riveted as he listened to my confession. I couldn’t read what he was thinking on his face, possibly because I was having so much trouble looking him in the eye. But what was there for him to think, except that I was an incredibly conniving bitch?

I guess that’s all I wanted to tell you Brent, I finished weakly. Thanks for giving me a chance to say it. Thanks for everything. You’ve been a wonderful blessing in my life and I’ll never forget you, or regret anything that has happened between us. You’re a terrific guy, and I’ve gained so much through knowing you. I really do apologize for all of the ways I haven’t been much of a friend to you. I hope life brings you love, and success, and everything else you’re looking for.

I was not at all prepared for Brent’s response. You really are the most amazing woman! he exclaimed, a huge grin splitting his face. He crossed to my chair, scooped me up in his arms, and carried me into the bedroom, where we laughed and cried and made love. A shadow had been lifted from our relationship. I had never felt so close to him, or so aware of his love for me.

The new clarity in our relationship spurred both of us to face the fact that, despite the love we shared, we were not right for each other. At this particular stage of his life, Brent’s aspirations were focused on his career, and the amount of time and attention he was prepared to devote to a relationship was necessarily limited. We parted a few weeks later as the best of friends. I knew that it was right, and so did he.

In releasing Brent I felt that something had shifted within me, but I can’t honestly say that the change felt very positive. On the one hand, I was determined never again to allow myself to behave so destructively toward the men in my life. On the other, the realization that I was no longer going to be able to manipulate them with sex and guilt left me feeling more hopeless about relationships than I’d ever been. It was as if I were in a rowboat and my oars had been taken away. Now I was adrift on an unfriendly sea with no way to maneuver at all.

Here I was, entering middle age with no special beauty, wealth, success, or any other big attraction. And of course all of this was happening at a time when the media were so obsessed with that statistic that claimed a single woman my age had a better chance of being killed in a terrorist attack than of finding a husband. If I was no longer going to ensnare men with sex and guilt, what hope was there for me?

I guess at some level I just gave up. For the first time in my life, I faced the likelihood that I would never find the soulmate I’d always wanted. I had reached forty without any outstanding success in that department. Maybe I was destined to be single for the rest of my life.

As I came to terms with the possibility that this was so, I felt my priorities shift. After all, if this was the way things were going to turn out, I had better make the best of it. It didn’t mean I couldn’t have a decent life in other respects. I still had interesting work and wonderful friends. I realized with surprise that the vast majority of the most precious moments of my life had had nothing to do with romance.

I decided to quit trying to control everything and leave it to my guide to figure out what to do about my love life. When I faced how totally I had been messing up my relationships all these years, it suddenly didn’t seem so scary to let someone else take charge. I stopped living for the day I’d meet Mr. Right, and began to focus instead on making the most of whatever was going on at the moment. And as it happened—perhaps as it always happens—facing up to the unpalatable truth led not to defeat, but to unanticipated good. No sooner had I chosen to make the best of the single life than I met my soulmate, Arnie!

It’s clear to me in retrospect that I would not have found my husband when I did if I had failed to learn the painful lessons of my relationship with Brent. Until my guide helped me recognize my mistakes and correct them, I wasn’t capable of a genuinely loving relationship with anyone. I can’t help wondering about how much sooner I might have found the love I was seeking if I’d been prepared to heed my guide in my teens, or twenties. As it happened, it took a long succession of failures and disappointments to convince me to pay attention to what my inner teacher was trying to tell me. As long as I remained committed to the dysfunctional strategies I’d been pursuing, a partner who was truly available for the kind of unconditionally loving relationship I wanted would have been wasted on me.

Couldn’t a good psychotherapist have given me the same kind of help my guide did? Maybe. But probably not. I’m a psychotherapist myself, and I have great respect for what therapy can do. But we therapists mostly work on the basis of what clients tell us, and I couldn’t have told anyone what I was doing to Brent, because I wasn’t aware of it myself. My defenses were so sophisticated that everyone I talked with came away with the same impression I had myself—that I was once again being let down by a man who was unable to overcome his own pathological fear of commitment.

I can hardly wait to tell you how my inner teacher finally helped me find the love relationship I’d always wanted. But before I share more of my personal story, or the experiences of other soulmate couples who believe they wouldn’t have found each other without some sort of inner guidance, it might be a good idea to pause and take a closer look at the whole concept of soulmate love. What makes someone your soulmate? Who are our guides? And why does it seem to be so darned hard for some of us to find the kinds of loving relationships we so badly want?

GUIDELINES FOR ACTUALIZING A SOULMATE RELATIONSHIP

1. Stop focusing on your partner’s faults, and start asking that your own be revealed to you.

2. Learn to listen for the voice of your guide in meditation.

3. Be willing to face the truth, even if it seems terribly embarrassing or disappointing.

4. Gracefully release relationships that are no longer fulfilling.

5. Face your mistakes with compassion and take the necessary steps to correct them.

* Published in Mill Valley, CA: Foundation for Inner Peace.

2

What’s Keeping You from

Finding Your Soulmate?

Tolerance for pain may be high, but it is not without limit. Eventually everyone begins to recognize, however dimly, that there must be a better way.

—A Course in Miracles

It will, of course, be love at first sight. You’ll glimpse your one and only for the first time across a crowded room, and as your eyes meet, a thrill of recognition will pass between you like an electric current. There’ll be no need to speak. You’ll move together as if drawn by some irresistible inner magnetism, and as your hands touch, violin music will seem to swell around you. Everyone else will simply disappear!

That’s the way true love is, isn’t it? Immediate. Irresistible. Lavishly orchestrated.

Well . . . no. The stories of soulmate relationships we’re going to be discussing in this book are going to make it very clear that this is nothing like the way true love works for most people who have the good fortune to find it. You might be surprised to learn that while a small minority of meant-to-be lovers are instantly smitten, the initial reactions of many range from disinterest to active dislike. For example, when former President John Adams first met his soulmate, Abigail Smith, at a party, he went home and filled his diary with a catalogue of her shortcomings. As he loftily pointed out, men were simply not attracted to girls of her type!

In truth, many soulmates have to meet repeatedly before any romantic attraction develops. And if true love is seldom heralded by a racing pulse or hallucinations of symphonic music, the converse is true as well. People who make us swoon seldom pan out. Far from being an unerring indicator of goodness-of-fit, that swept-off-your-feet feeling is usually reserved for lovers who can be counted upon to break your heart. When it comes to telling whether someone you meet is your soulmate, chemistry misses the mark by a mile.

This is not to deny that your soul may resonate within when you first glimpse your beloved. There probably will be some instantaneous feeling of familiarity and comfort in his or her presence. But these internal stirrings are relatively subtle, and can be drowned out very effectively by racing thoughts about all of the good reasons why this person is not for you. Strangely enough, our soulmates seldom appeal to our personality—our ego. That’s why they are called soulmates, rather than egomates.

I believe that all of us who long for love have ideal partners we are destined to meet in this life. But sadly, many of us will never bother to woo and win the ones who would have suited us best. It’s entirely possible that you’ve already met your soulmate—perhaps more than once. But, if you’ve been letting the more limited aspect of your mind direct your romantic affairs, you were probably too busy falling madly in love with all the wrong people to spare him or her much attention. Chances are you won’t recognize your meant-to-be love next time you meet either, because—chances are—he or she isn’t even your type.

How can you change your prospects and wind up with a match made in heaven? Well, if you’ve had your fill of lookin’ for love in all the wrong places, it might be worth considering an entirely new approach to romance—one that utilizes the guidance of a higher power.

An Aside to the Skeptical

But perhaps you don’t believe in a higher power. No problem. It isn’t my intention to