FuckingTitle by username, shortlink: aaaaa

1
Hungry as Fuck
the reddit cookbook
 Compilation and design by http://www.reddit.com/user/afrael/, April 2011.

Recipes have been attributed to their authors as much as possible, and for most recipes a shortlink to the original location of the recipe is
provided. The shortlink consists of a five character code, which will direct you to the proper thread when typed into a web browser following
the prefix “http://redd.it/”. Authors are listed as [deleted] if their reddit accounts have been deleted.

Most of the illustrated recipes in this cookbook can be found in the fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuud subreddit (at www.f7u12d.com). Recipe selection
was done through community suggestion at the thread with shortlink g6cet. The title of this cookbook was suggested by procrasturbater in
redd.it/ebnuh.

If you have any comments or suggestions for this cookbook, contact me (afrael) through private message (via http://www.reddit.com/message/
compose/?to=afrael). I’ll probably won’t do anything about it since I’ve spent way too much time on this thing as it is, but feel free to contact
me anyway. I quite like orangereds :D.
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 Hungry as Fuck
the reddit cookbook

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Breakfast
Mo’Fuggin Breakfast Burritos 8
Breakfast sludge 10
Bacon Pancake Breakfast Sandwiches 14
Refried beans and eggs 16
Dependable Eggs 16
Easy Crepes 16

Lunch
Bruschetta Chicken Breast 18
Grilled motherfuckin cheese 21
Couscous 22
Lentil Stuff 22

Table of Contents
Egg Noodles 22

Dinner
This is how MEN cook 24
Chicken Crunch Wrap Supreme 26
motherfucking quiche 28
Chicken Piccata 33
Spaghetti Carbonara 34
Fuck it... Bolognese 36
MF’n Eggrolls 39
Pernil & Tostones 42
Mother Trucin’ Ribs, Bitches 44
Best steak I’ve ever made 49
Chicken Flied Lice! 50
Shepherd’s Pie 52
Potato Hobo Pack 52
Drunken Tacos 52

Snacks
Freaking Phenomenal Brownies 54
Microwave Cake 55
Snow Ice Cream Bitch 56
Rainbow Fucking Brownies 57
Bacon Cinnamon Rolls 60
Frosting for your Fucking Cake 63
Lemon Squares - Without Words 64
Spread 66
fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuudge 69
6
 Breakfast

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8
Mo’FugginBreakfastBurritos by bambooshootz, shortlink: g0rjl
Variation by rick-victor
If you don't roll your burrito, and then fry both sides in some oil/butter in a frying pan, well, you're
not eating a burrito that is crispy and delicious, and you're also failing at life

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10
Breakfast Sludge by freejumps, shortlink: ebnuh
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12
Protip by wisd0m
I tried Breakfast Sludge this morning. I am still alive.

I used Post Shredded Wheat ' Bran, very cheap instant coffee ($1.00), Nestle Hot Cocoa Mix, Sweet
Coconut Thai, cinnamon, sugar and whole milk.

Notes:
* The taste was too sweet for me - the hot coco has sugar,
so adding additional sugar is unnecessary.
* The cinnamon is very important. Don't try to drink this without it.
* The Chi that I used added more complex flavors and improved the sludge.
* Why are you waiting, make some sludge.
* Sludge was all I had for breakfast and was satisfying.

Variation by mastertwisted
What a pussy. Did you forget the Irish whiskey, or are you catering to emo bitches? Fuck.

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14
Bacon Pancake Sandwiches by cannedpasta, shortlink: fxbu7
15

Refried beans&Eggs
by gerbal, shortlink: 8mgtt
- 1/2 can refried beans, purchased from a local
tienda
- 3 eggs scrambled with lime juice (gets rid of
sulfur taste in cheap eggs) and hot sauce
Eat on tortillas, refrigerate what you don’t eat.
Pop a couple for breakfast. Eat them later, hot or
cold, as snacks. I’ve found that kids love these
things too. They’re cheap, easy, and you can vary
to suit your mood by changing the garnishes and
spices. It’s the Dependable, Vendable Egg!
Easy Crepes
by scissorsneedfoodtoo, shortlink: 8mgtt

If you want to run head first to a coronary you can Here’s an easy crepe recipe I made this morning:
pan fry the whole thing on the tortilla in butter or
lard. Delicious. - 3 eggs
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
Yummy Shit by various artists

Its what I had for breakfast this morning. Whole - 2 1/8 cups of flour (just 2 is easier to remember
meal came to $.75. off the top of my head)
- 2 cups of milk
If you are feeling wealthy you can try adding - About a 1/4 cups worth of butter to grease the pan
some chopped veggies and cheese, peppers are for all the crepes
particularly tasty in scrambled eggs.
Add 2 tablespoons sugar and 1 teaspoon of vanilla
recipe for desert crepes.
Dependable Eggs
Mix everything but the butter in a bowl with a
by tomparker, shortlink: 8mgtt
whisk, or just go ahead and use the blender. Let
the batter sit in the fridge for about an hour before
Here’s a fun one: Start with a non-stick muffin tin
use to account for the flour expansion and bubble
and a loaf of cheap, soft, white sandwich bread.
collapse.
Preheat oven to 400. Peel off the crust of a piece
of bread and press the remaining square into the
Then, it’s just a matter of pouring a small ladle’s
muffin tin squishing the air out of the sides and the
worth in a wide, buttered, non-stick pan over LOW
bottom.
heat, swirling a pan around to get a thin coat over
the surface.
When you’re done, it should look like a thick cup-
cake cup. Repeat until each receptacle on the tin
Cook the first side for about a minute, flip carefully,
is lined with a bread-cup with the rough edges left
then add your fillings. Jams, jellies, bananas and
fluffy at the tops.
brown sugar, marshmallows and chocolate, tuna
and cheese, go ahead and get creative.
Melt a 1/4 stick of butter and brush on the edges
of each cup letting the extra drizzle inside. Crack
Then just fold, flip again if you can, plate, and NOM
open and deposit the contents of one medium egg
NOM NOM (never typed that before, feels good).
into each cup being careful not to let the egg run
outside the bread cup.
Great tasting, cheap, and really fast if you make the
batter the night before and have your fillings ready
Sprinkle a little basil on top. Garnish with a torn
and chopped up if need be.
piece of sliced ham, crispy bacon, or anything else
you like.

Toss in the oven for 15-20 minutes. Remove when

the edges are brown. You can adjust the time
depending upon whether you prefer your eggs hard
or softboiled.

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 Lunch

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18
BruschettaChicken Breast by Airazz, shortlink: fuhfy
Protip by mieksemakse
Don’t forget to turn over the cutting board when cutting some more basil. And use another knife that
did not touch the raw chicken. Or else suffer the consequences [Enteritis Salmonelliosis] or horrible
consequences [Antibiotic resistance].

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 Variation by Rabid_Llama8
Make the bread ciabiatta bread, remove the cheese, and treat the tomatoes correctly for bruschetta,
and this is dynamite. Or, instead of bread, use whole wheat spaghetti.

Variation by aerosquid
When I think of Bruschetta I do not think of 2 thin slices of white bread. Bruschetta is supposed to
be THICK and grilled at least in my kitchen. I typically use french or italian bread sliced thick.

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 21
Grilled MotherfuckinCheese by sauceplz, shortlink: fv1mt
 You can double this recipe and make lunch for a
Couscous whole week for about 5 dollars!

by noether, shortlink: a4eto Leftovers freeze pretty well, too.

This can be made in large batches. Ingredients:

- couscous
- knorr chicken broth mix (the powder kind) RamenEgg Noodles
I always eyeball the broth to couscous. look at the
water required for both to get a good idea.Mix these by [deleted], shortlink: 8mgtt
in a tuperware container.
- 1 Egg
Add any or all of the following: - 1 ramen noodles package
- pistachios - Optional: some diced onions, diced tomatoes,
and chopped up cilantro. All proportionately
Some More by these people over here

- cumin
- apricots (cut up)
- chili flakes Cook ramen noodles in water, don’t add the
- raisins packaged seasoning yet, then drain water.
- red lentils
- thyme Place 1 egg, oil in preheated pan, scramble eggs
- whatever with a quarter of the packaged seasoning (Optional:
add the onions).
Now all you have to do is take out the amount that
you want and add water. This is good for a quick Stir, add the cooked & drained ramen noodles, stir
lunch to go and is super cheep. Couscous is better and sprinkle the rest of the packaged seasoning
for you than ramen noodles. If making at home, (Optional: add the tomatoes and the cilantro as you
drizzle with olive oil. stir).

Then finally, nom nom nom....

Lentil Stuff
by Onionhead, shortlink: a4eto

One of my favorites for quick, easy and cheap:

- 1 c dried brown lentils (washed and picked over
for rocks and bad beans)
- 1.5 c chopped tomatoes and juices (canned is
fine),
- 1 c water or stock
- 1 onion, chopped
- 2 tsp minced garlic
- 2 T olive oil
- 1 tsp each ground cinnamon, tumeric, and cumin,
1 bay leaf

Heat oil in a pot, add onion and cook for 5 minutes,

stirring. Add garlic and spices and cook for another
minute. Add lentils, tomatoes, bay leaf, and water or
stock, partially cover and cook, stirring occasionally,
until lentils are tender (25-30 minutes), adding
additional liquid if necessary to prevent burning
(should be saucy rather than soupy).

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 Dinner

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 Fuck 98% of the suggestions on here. Be a fucking DO this: Pat down the skin of that fucker with some
man. Don’t mess around with this third world paper towels till it’s fucking dry. Then sprinkle some
bachelor bullshit. Women will never respect you fucking baking powder on that fucker. Then sprinkle
This is How MenCook by electric_sandwich, shortlink: b7b0w
and you’re going to starve to fucking death come some fucking salt and fresh pepper. NOW. Heat up
the apocalypse. your goddamn oven to like 350 fucking degrees and
throw that motherfucker in there.
This is how MEN cook:
6.
1. Instead of twiddling your dink while you wait for
Open a bottle of decent whiskey. Pour yourself 3 the shit to finish, cut up some fucking red bliss
fingers over ice. No you may NOT smoke a fucking potatoes. and coat those fuckers with olive oil.
joint. Save that shit for dessert.
Now, (Yes now you fucking lazy fuck what you want
the fucking chicken to burn? God... ) Get yourself
2. some fucking rosemary, some fucking tarragon,
Pour yourself a new glass of whiskey. Prepare a and some more salt and pepper and throw that shit
mixture of roughly 1/2 stick of butter, lemon zest into a mortar and pestle and grind the fuck out of
(one lemon’s zest) , salt, fresh black pepper (Be a it (Jesus fucking christ, this guy, you don’t have a
MAN buy a pepper mill), and some nice well ground fucking mortar and pestle do you? Fuck me. OK just
chorizo. (cooked motherfucker! Goya works fine.) put the rosemary in your fucking hands and mash
Garam masala powder if you have some. Once the it up until it starts to smell good and breaks into
butter is soft, mix in the rest of yer ingredients. Now smaller pieces )
you have a paste.
Throw this shit on the potatoes and throw them in
3. the oven. No, not in the same pan as the chicken
Work that shit under the skin of yer bird through the you fucktard- what you want them all covered in
small hole you cut by the ass. Actually, there usually chicken fat? Put them in their own pan. A cast iron
is a smallish hole there anyway...in that case just frying pan is perfect.
work the skin loose by sticking your fingers in there
and GENTLY prying that shit from the meat. WORK it OK jerkoff, now you can leave this shit sizzling for
in there. awhile and go jack off or play guitar (my suggestion)
or watch BBC World News America (my second
You may have to loosen the skin some with your choice) while this shit cooks up.
fingers or a long plastic thing. DON’t Break the
goddamn skin. What are you some kind of retard? Rule of thumb: you wanna cook this bastard
Just work it in there. Massage it. You can also cut around 45 minutes per pound, so the internal
small holes on the skinny end of each leg and put temperature. (WHAT? You don’t have a fucking meat
some of the mixture in there. thermometer? Fuck me. Go ask that cute girl with
the glasses down the hall) is around 170. I guess
4. I have to fucking tell you the right way to measure
Now, for god fucking sake throw out the nasty shit the temperature? Fine. Stick the thermometer about
they put in the cavity and throw in a few cloves of halfway into the breast. Don’t try and do it on a
crushed peeled garlic, and the lemon you zested fucking leg you sub literate moron, those shits are
(don’t know how to zest a lemon nancy boy? That’s always hotter because they are fucking sticking
what google is for bucko.) cut into quarters. straight up. Dumb ass. Don’t throw the potatoes in
till the chicken has 45 minutes or so left to cook.
5.
Pour yourself a new glass of whiskey. So now you OK. Pay attention. This is the kind of shit that most
have a bird with some potentially delicious flavors people won’t tell you: When the bird is like 97
mingling under the skin. Not a bad start, but do you percent done, say when it’s at 160...crank up that
really want that shit all slimy and rubbery? No. No fucking oven to like 425 and stand the fuck back
you don’t. for at least 15 minutes. You wanna let that sweet,
buttery skin crisp up right? Crank that shit son.

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OK, by now that shit is smelling so fucking good
the entire building is droooling and about to call
dominoes because they are too fucking dumb and
self loathing to cook this shit for themselves. Pull
that fucker out of the oven and just look at it. I’ll
bet you would just start immediately carving that
bastard up right? Idiot. You NEED to wait at least
10 minutes before you cut that fucker up otherwise
all the fucking juices are gonna dribble out and sit
there is the bottom of the pan.

There. Cook this for a bitch and she will give you
blumpkins every night of the week for the rest of
your life.

Protip from nevesis

Don't cook internal to 170!!

Take out at 160 in the breast.

It will hit 170 while it rests, and 160 is safe

anyway.

(no one wants that shit dry!)

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ChickenCrunch Wrap Supreme by subx1, shortlink: ful4a
Variation by ImputrescibleUndead
I do this with bacon and scrambled egg and only one wrap folded like an xmas present.

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Motherfucking Quiche by pegothejerk, shortlink: fw117
29
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31
 Protip by vapulate
Check the pie crusts for cracks before pouring liquid eggs over them and plopping them into the
oven

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Chicken Picatta by Simmerian, shortlink: fv3xk
34
SpaghettiCarbonara by by RenegadeDoppelganger, shortlink: g1ilk
35
 Ok, for the sake of clarity, in case some redditors
come fronting with their supposed cooking talents,
but are in fact only home cook housewives hidden
within a bacon smell in order to lure you: I grew
up in restaurant business. My father had three
restaurants in France. One of them visited by a
French president himself. Our restaurant was facing
the Louvre and got free advertising on French
Fuck it... Bolognese by [deleted], shortlink: 968bk
Pick a large Aluminum or stainless steal bowl. Put
the bone in it with marrow showing. Usually neck
bones are the best. Add a pinch of rock salt, two
tablespoons of your best olive oil, black pepper
grounded coarsely and fresh thyme. Don’t even read
further if the thyme is not fresh. Just don’t . Forget
it. Oh, you have fresh thyme? OK. You can go on.

national radio because it was that good. Now get some real garlic. Not that “made in China”
shit that composed 90% of what in your supermarket
Later on, I opened a restaurant with a friend in studio (I’m not shitting you, 90% of the garlic you find in
city in Los Angeles that made the Zagat twice. One your store are now made in China. Half of it grown
time, in 2000, “best personal restaurant in Los with human waste. You can send a nice thank you
Angeles”, and in 2001, they called us “top notch”. letter to the FDA if you wish).
The present governor of California came on a weekly
basis and may other folks. OK, now you have the right fucking garlic. Cut it
nicely like uncle Pauli, meaning super thin. Cut
Our setting was intimate. Our cuisine was 4 buds. Toss it in the bowl with everything I said
magnificent. The product we served was hand earlier. Watch your fucking hands like you are going
picked at three in the morning. We snatched the to operate someone. Done? OK. Now mix the whole
goods from big restaurant names because their thing in the bowl with your hand.
chefs were too lazy to do the trip to the early
morning markets. Mexicans filet makers loved us. Now set the oven like it is hell inside, 450 F, no
Fresh vegetables kept their best in their backrooms less. Put the content of the bowl in a cast Iron pot
for us. We ruled LA for three years and sold the darn with no enamel, like cowboy style. Put it in the oven.
joint in time before the economic collapse. Cook 35 minutes. The house should smell like an
Italian girl comes in your house and suddenly want
Because I love reddit, once a week I will give you to have sex.
one of our recipe. Fuck you if you want to hate, enjoy
if you find these recipe attractive. These recipe will You should stay on this so don’t do anything else
need passion and work. Not for the faint of heart. until those bones are done.
Oh, also, my grammar sucks, because English is
my second language. So for those grammar Nazi, OK, now. Peel 4 large carrots, some gorgeous stuffs.
please go suck a dick. Here’s my first recipe for you Not the stuff you buy with food stamps. Two nice
my dear reddit: leeks. Yeah, the cashier will ask you what the hell
this is, guaranteed, and you’ll tell her, “you know,
Spaghetti alla Bolognese there is more than chicken and beef out there!”...

The secret of all good French and Italian sauce – Anyway... cut the leeks along the length and clean
and why you guys get heart burns all the time in the it thoroughly (sand love to stick on those). Two
US – is a good stock. In the US, most restaurant is branches of celery only. Two large white onions,
fucking you by doing cheap beef stock you wouldn’t the kind to make a grown man cry. Cut them only
want to see how it is made, so there is may stock: in half. Half a cup of tomato paste. (the ingredients
should read: “Tomatoes”, and nothing else, no salt,
Veal stock: no sugar, nothing else. Those are out there, I get
them all the time even in the shittiest store; just
Get three big bones of veal. I don’t care how you learn how to read. Usually they have Italian name.
find the darn thing. Kill it yourself for all I care, just Just don’t do Heinz). Six whole pepper seeds, two
get some darn veal bones. cloves. A huge bunch of curly parsley, half a lemon
with its skin, half a pound of Crimini/ Italian brown
mushrooms. Fresh fucking thyme, a lot.

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Put all this in two gallons of water in a very large Now, put your grounded beef, grounded veal and
pot. Toss the bone inside with a good piece of grounded pork, equal parts. For 4 persons? Try half
smoke pork belly or a nice piece of bacon (but not a pound of each. If you can’t find ground veal, do
too big as to overpower the veal. Remember, it’s a half beef half pork. That’s all right. You will just
veal stock, not a pork stock, ok?). Mix a bit. Boil for miss on something extraordinary, but you can keep
a hour. Simmer for four hours. Kill the fire. Keep the on reading. Anyway, now the fishy smell should be
liquid. Throw everything else. Yes. Do it. gone. Toss in it one full garlic clove minced. Mix
well on full fire. Add one full tablespoon of salt,
Those vegetables and meats have given to the same with black pepper.
liquids everything they had, their taste, their soul,
everything; even if they still look good, they are When all the meat seems cooked and the proteins
pointless to eat. Now your veal stock is ready. You starts developing into an inconvenient crust at the
can save it for two weeks. Beef stock can be saved bottom it is time for the wine to come singing. Red.
a mere four days. Fish stock only two days. Chicken Dry! One full cup to start. OK... I forgot something...
stock three days top. I know this well: these are the Have this cup of wine hot on the side. You don’t
regulations that if you break them causes the state want to stop the cooking process by pouring cold
inspectors to close your joint! wine on the meat! So heat up the wine just 4~5
minutes before doing this.
All right. Now you have your stock that took you a
whole fucking Saturday to do, and you are ready Now pour the how wine on the meat and toss a
to have that Italian chick on Sunday for a great pinch of coriander in it. The latter kills the taste of
Bolognese and even better sex. alcohol and leaves the warm taste of the wine intact.
Whatever... just, put a pinch of the darn thing.
Start with one nice big onion cut in small cubes in Deglaize. Now the wine is almost absorbed, add a
grape seed oil. Not olive oil. Grape seed oil is also full cup of veal stock. Cover. Cook for 30 minutes.
an Italian (and French) thing. It has not cholesterol,
no polyunsaturated fats, and has no taste. So all the Open it up. Now it is smelling like fucking heaven
ingredients you cook stays genuine in flavor. It’s and the Italian girl is really all over you. Hold her up
a bit pricey but it kept on going until 400F before by pouring more wine in her glass and come back to
burning. In other words, that oil is from the Gods, the stove. Put your dick on your hear, you’ll smoke
and the US corporate food hates it and never uses it later. Now, open a big can of magnificent crush
it. So it must be good.. tomatoes and toss it in the sauce. You don’t need
to add more tomato paste (hey, the sauce does not
Meanwhile, crush four canned anchovies in a need to be this fucking “red” like corporate food
small bowl. I know you American won’t like it, but wants you to believe. Taste it, you’ll understand)
I promise you: you will never feel nor taste it, it’s
just like a natural MSG that, if you don’t tell anyone, Mix well. Add a nice bunch of big basil leaves in
no one will notice, but it does make a hell of a it. If you want to add great quality mushrooms, or
difference in the deepness of the overall taste. Now some oil infused with it, here’s the time. Cover
saute the onion in a large, I mean large a pan, 12 again. Add a cube of unsalted butter. Don’t ask why.
inch minimum. The largest the pan is, the more Cook 20 minutes more on low fire.
the water can evaporate and the brown crisp can
develop beautifully everywhere. Kill the whole thing. Keep it covered. Cooked your
spaghetti the heck you want it to be done. Toss with
Half way until brown put the anchovies with the sauce in a way the pasta does not swim in it,
the onion and mix... yes...i know... it will smell with fresh grated dry Italian cheese on top. Cut some
horrendous in the first minute.. like some bad parley thin and reserve for the final touch on the
smelly socks.. full of ammonia.. ... yes... I know.... plate on top of the cheese. Serve with a burgundy or
but then things starts to transform and the smell a top notch Californian Pinot noir, and Crispy Italian
becomes amazing... well, maybe you’ll find out bread. Have the girl feeding you.
after a dozen try, anyway.

37
 Protip by jupiterjones
These two recipes are bullshit. There are several rookie mistakes listed here. This guy has read high
quality recipes, but does not remember them.

Signs this is bullshit:

- Roast thinly sliced garlic at 450 for 35 minutes? Enjoy your blackened garlic crisps that will make
everything taste bitter and terrible.
- Curly parsley? Seriously? That shit is bullshit. Real cooks and real Italians use flat leafed italian
parsley. You know - the stuff with flavor. Rookie.
- Veal stock with pork in it? Veal stock with tomato paste in it? This stuff goes into the Bolognese
sauce when you're making THAT, not into the stock.
- Half a lemon? Why would you put the bitter-ass lemon pith (the white part) in? If you want the
flavor, juice the lemon and take the rind off and put it in. Rookie mistake.
- Grapeseed oil is great for high temperature roasting or searing, but Bolognese calls for onion
sauteed in olive oil. The flavor of the olive oil matters.
- Coriander? Fuck that.
- Crushed tomatoes? My god. Why all this processed bullshit? You want to spend a day making veal
stock and then you use crushed tomatoes? Get a can or two of real San Marzano tomatoes and run
them through your food mill to get rid of the seeds. Or keep the seeds, I don't care. Just use whole
real tomatoes without that Calcium Chloride shit that makes them keep their shape. Crush those
bitches in your hands (your clean hands) as you put them in.

If anyone is interested in a real recipe that isn’t written by a rookie and actually describes the way
Italians might make it, check out FXcuisine’s Serious Ragù Bolognese. That’s a real recipe.

Protip by rebel
You might want to add that you don’t want your veal stock to ever “boil” completely. 186 tops. This
way your stock won’t be murky and if you need to make double consomme at some point this makes
it easier and a better tasting end product.

BTW, your stock will be on the stove at least 4 hours and up to 6. Chicken stock starts to taste funny
after 4 hours. Beef stock is quite often 5-6 hours.

If you sterilize plastic containers, you may put HOT stock 3/4 the way up the container. Let a layer of
fat, or pour some from the pot, rise to the top, about 1/8 to 1/4 inch. Let come to room temp, gently
stack in freezer. If you don’t have enough fat to “seal”, use olive oil, butter, or rendered washed lard
(made at home, not the store bought), melted duck fat, etc. Once frozen this will last theoretically
forever, but for best taste a few months. A chest freezer a loads of quart and pint sized containers is
ideal. The fat layer can be removed if you desire during thawing process.

38
 39
MF’n Eggrolls by Sucka27, shortlink: fz712
40
41
 Take a lesson from the Puerto Ricans. Millions of Take your knife and stab some holes in the pig. Twist
us have managed to survive in one of the most the knife around so the holes get nice and wide.
expensive cities on earth with recipes like this:
Now, take some of your sofrito and stuff it into the
Find a supermarket that has black beans on sale. holes. Don’t be shy blanco, ram it in there. Use the
Buy as much as you can. Then buy 5 or so pounds remainder to roughly coat the outside of the pig.
of Carolina rice, a bag of onions, a few bulbs of RUB IT. CARESS IT. This pig died so that you may
Pernil & Tostones by electric_sandwich, shortlink: cidla

garlic, and a box of Goya Sazon. eat. Salt that shit all over the outside and crack
some fucking pepper on there.
Set 2 cups of water to boil. Dick around on reddit
until the water is boiling. Throw in one cup of rice, Set your oven for ~300 degrees. Throw the pork
turn the heat down to simmer and lid that shit. Slice in skin side up and WAIT. It’s going to take like 45
up a small onion. Smash up a clove of garlic. Throw minutes a pound...
some olive oil or butter into a HOT pan. Throw the
onions and garlic into the pan and fry them till the A warning: The smell is going to drive you fucking
onion gets glassy. Throw some salt in there. Grind INSANE. You have to wait this part out. Farm work is
some pepper in there for good luck. Toss in half a the best cure.
packet of Sazon and stir till you get a paste. Now
you have a ghetto sofrito. After an an hour and a half, jab it with a meat
thermometer, but remember to not rest it on the
Dump in your can of beans bean juice and all. Stir bone, or you will get a bad reading.
that shit up. Add a pinch of Cayenne pepper so you
remember that you have a set of cojones. Set that You should be at around 150-160 degrees. Now
shit on simmer. Your rice is done. Throw the beans comes the fun part. CRANK the stove up to 400
on top. degrees. This will give you an orgasmic, crispy skin
that will make your pork rinds taste like year old
Win. carboard comparison.

You should get at least 2 meals out of one can of At 170 ish? Pull that fucker out, but DON’T carve it
beans, and if your lucky you can get black beans up. You need to wait at least ten minutes otherwise
2 for $1. Adding the cost of the Garlic, Sazon all those sweet, sweet pig juices will dribble the
and a small onion and you still eat a tasty, hearty, fuck out. WAIT.
relatively healthy meal for less than $1.
Congratulations. You just made Pernil. A five pound
Now. You are a growing lad. You need MEAT Pernil should give you meat for at least a week.
SAVOR IT BROTHER. SAVOR IT
OK, first of all, fuck eating lips and assholes.
There is a much, much tastier option that has kept Edit: Forgot the best and cheapest fucking recipe!!!
millions of starving boriquas alive for generations: TOSTONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PORK SHOULDER.
Fuck me. Green plaintains are usually like 5 for a
In my neighborhood in Brooklyn, Pork shoulder is fucking dollar! Here’s my mom’s recipe:
79 cents a pound. That’s right. 79 cents. A package
of hot dogs at $2.50 is more than double the price Fry up some bacon. Set the bacon aside and save
and has offal and all sorts of vile shit inside. that lovely, glistening fat. Take a plantain and run
a knife down the side and split the skin off without
Buy yourself a nice meaty pork shoulder. 5 lbs breaking the plantain. This takes a bit of practice.
should do nicely. Bring that fucker home and get Slice up the plantain into ~1/3 inch thick slices.
out a long, thin knife. Throw them into a bowl of ice water.
You have a fry daddy? You’re golden papi. No? Pour
In a pilon (that’s a mortar and pestle gringo) smash around half an inch of oil into a frying pan. Corn oil
up a few cloves of Garlic, some sazon, some, salt, works best, olive oil smokes too easily. Get that shit
some pepper, and some oil. Grind it up GOOD. Now hot! Throw in your bacon grease.
you have another ghetto sofrito.
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Take your sliced up plantains out of the ice water
and drain them or even pat them with a paper towel
till they’re dry.

Fry em up until they just turn golden. Throw them in

the freezer for 10 minutes.

Now, here is where you become a MAN: Get yourself

a flat bottom glass and a cutting board or a plate.
Throw some flour on there. Smash the plantains
with the cup. You may need a spatula to get them
off the board...

Fry em AGAIN until they are golden and crispy

Make all three of these things together and you have
an incredibly delicious and cheap meal!

Photo’s by Shipyaad

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MotherTruckin’ Ribs, Bitches by Sucka27, shortlink: g4ksb
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Best Steak I Ever Made by Sucka27, shortlink: fuhw2
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Chicken Flied Lice! by bambooshootz, shortlink: fwwr5

Chicken Flied Lice by bambooshootz, shortlink: fwwr5

Protip by flynnski
That is a *fuckton* of garlic. Not that I disapprove, but if you’ve got no conception of how much
garlic is enough, this is “Too Much.” :D

Variation by Jace11 and bambooshootz

Is it safe to assume that if i want pork fried rice, i can just substitute chicken for pork? Yes. And
change whatever you want. Always cook whimsically! It makes your food much better when you feel
it!

Variation by ingotanarchist
You can also substitute chicken with spam and have yourself a delicious Hawaiian delicacy :D

Variation by bambooshootz
I guess you could add a couple of diced carrots. And I think maybe fish sauce and lime juice is
more of a thai thing. But whatevs, it’s some tasty shit!
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 I hate cooking and can’t cook worth a damn, but I
Shepherd’s Pie made delicious shepherd’s pies. They’re incredible.
Don’t eat them too many meals in a row or
by [deleted], shortlink: a4eto shepherd’s pie loses its magic.

There are many recipes available, but even this very

simple one is delicious:
Potato Hobo Pack
- 1.5lb ground beef (I used 93/7, 90/10 is good but
don’t get 80/20 imo) by [deleted], shortlink: a4eto
Dinner Instructions by some internet people

- 1.5 packets of instant gravy (the powder kind

where you mix in water to make it yourself) Buy frozen, diced potatoes with chopped peppers
- 1 bag of mixed veggies (I used peas/corn) already included in the bag. Pour some of the
- 1 box of instant mashed potatoes (100% natural, potatoes onto a piece of tin foil. Add half a stick of
taste good, lasts like 3 of these pies) butter, desired seasonings, and (this is important)
about half a cup of beer on top. Close up the tin foil
Drop the beef in a pan, you don’t need any butter so it is a self-contained steamer.
or oil, the fat melts and the beef cooks in it (this
is why you don’t get 80/20, it becomes a soggy Set oven to broil, cooking time varies with load,
mess). Once the beef is THOROUGHLY cooked but usually about 25 minutes. They taste fucking
(beef carries lots of germs and crap, take your time outstanding, and since potatoes are very high on
and cook for a while over low heat even if you think the satiety index, they fill you up. Also, you can get
it’s done, cooking over low heat won’t dry it out like a bag of diced potatoes for like $2, and one bag will
high heat). make at least three meals.

While you’re waiting for that to finish, defrost the Addition of vegetables and other stuff is optional - I
peas/corn. I just put them in a bowl with warm like to think that’s what the beer is for, but that’s just
water, and put ‘em through a colander when they me.
weren’t frozen anymore. Also make the mashed
potatoes.
Drunken Tacos
Get a pan. I used something like a 13” by 8” and
it made pretty good pie. Spread the beef along the by mdeckert, shortlink: 8mgtt
bottom. Pour in gravy, spread it. My girlfriend and
I added a little bit of asiago cheese, expensive but Cook some onions and garlic in oil a bit, add fatty
fucking good. Then put a layer of your peas/corn. ground beef and lots of chopped hot peppers,
Then spread your mashed potatoes over the top, salt and pepper (plus chives and fresh herbs and
and maybe sprinkle some cheese over them. Put it whatever other crap is in the garden that seems
in a 400 degree oven for like half an hour. reasonable). Fry it real hot.. toss in some 1/4”
cubed potatoes and keep frying.
It’s delicious. It lasts many meals... the above
makes at least six solid servings for about $15, and Make sure you’re pretty drunk so you forget to turn
some of these ingredients (like the box of mashed the fucker at some point and pretty much burn some
potatoes) are reusable. But the BEST part is: - You of the meat. Mix that shit in.. tastes awesome.
CANNOT fuck this up. Seriously.
Yougurt with cucumbers, cheese, tomatoes, and
You have other veggies? Throw them in. Chicken them other toppins are good. And deep fry them
instead of beef? Cook it up, throw it in. Chicken god damn tortilas into greasy crispy shells. Yeah
gravy with ground turkey? No problem. Got a bitch, yeah. Drunken tacos are the shiznit.
different kind of cheese? Put it in. You can make
this stuff in any order, it doesn’t matter. The recipe
is EXTREMELY flexible with adding different things,
modifying it, cooking things for different amount of
time, you seriously CANNOT fuck this up.

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 Snacks

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Freaking Phenomenal Brownies by thenerdening, shortlink: g2fy7

Agghh...ok. I don't know how to do the conversions. One stick [of butter] is eight tablespoons, or 1/2
a cup. There's one cup of butter in the recipe. Four sticks make a pound. Does that help? edit: This
recipe will not work with tub butter or low fat butter, because the consistency will be all wrong...it
has to be the kind wrapped in foil or paper.
I should have mentioned that the time depends on your oven. I've made these in half an hour in
some ovens, and more like 40-45 minutes in others. They do continue cooking when you take them
out of the oven...technically you're supposed to let them cool completely before you cut them, but
then what's the fun of putting ice cream on a cold brownie?
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Variation by bioguy741
I just made it, but I replaced the 2 tbsp of
cocoa with 1 tbsp cinnamon, and I used three
tbsp butter instead of the oil. SO fucking
good.

Variation

MicrowaveCake by ontology, shortlink: ftitn

by andersonimes
Tip: This is a little chewy as-is. Substitute half
of the flour with wheat flour. Much softer and
more cakey. Plus... you know... more fiber?

Edit: whole wheat flour is what I meant.

Protip by blizzard30
3 minutes on 1000W, seems like. 3 minutes
and 40 secs for 800

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Snow IceCream Bitch by theVulture, shortlink: fupt4

Variation by tsumnia
At least where I’m from you want to get freshly fallen snow, not stuff scooped into a bowl (have a
bowl outside overnight). I do this every year and love it.

Correction by TheVulture
Yeah just realized I put the wrong picture on there for panel 3. It’s still yummy though.

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 57
Rainbow Fucking Brownies by subx1, shortlink: fukv4
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Variation by beastmole
Put peanut m&ms in them.

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Bacon Cinnamon Rolls by ibrewbeer, shortlink: fumtj
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Frosting for your Fucking Cake by Kaielll, shortlink: ftmgl
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Lemon Squares -Without Words by Tipps, shortlink: futgs
Words by GavinMcGimpsey
1. Finely crumble two cups of graham crackers, and mix with one cup of melted butter and one cup
of sugar.

2. Put the mixture into a glass baking dish and spread evenly across the bottom, all the way to the
edges. Pack down using the back of a measuring cup.

3. Place the baking dish in an oven heated to 350º F (175º C) and bake for fifteen minutes.

4. Beat four eggs until smooth.

5. Mix two cups sugar, a quarter cup flour, and a teaspoon baking powder. Stir mixture into eggs.

6. Stir in one half cup fresh squeezed lemon juice.

7. Pour the lemon batter into the baking dish, spreading evenly. Bake at 350º F (175º C) for half an
hour.

8. Not on the chart, but it's necessary: Using a shaker, sprinkle the top of the lemon bars with
powdered sugar until lightly coated.

Note: cooling isn't taken into account; I'd imagine you want to let the dish cool before adding the
sugar and cutting into bars.

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66
Spread recipe by japaneseknotweed, illustrated by pled, shortlink: fuuxu
67
 Protip by japaneseknotweed
Wow... be careful what you ask.

OK, three technical things -

1) not too much of the honey/walnuts. If anyone takes the picture literally, they'll end up with sludge,
which will ooze off of the cracker and onto your/her clothes. You won't care because you're a guy
and guys are pigs, but she's wearing something nice and will hate you and then you won't get laid.

2) mix the stuff in gently, otherwise the cohesiveness of the yogurt/cheese will break down and
you'll get sludge and see above.

3) you need some sort of 24 hour time-elapse between go away and come back (otherwise, that
bit's REALLY good). That stuff needs to drain for ages.

And then one social/emotional values commentary:

The feed-her-your-dick pic is a little blatant. Half of the attraction is what's left unsaid; the way
people imagine blowjobs is actually about 100 times less awkward/more graceful/more powerful
and visually compelling than the way we look when we're actually doing it.

I mean, oral sex in the mind is this sensuous sculpture of intertwined lips and limbs, right? While
oral sex IRL, either way, looks like an awkward partially-evolved quadruped with its pale butt in the
air trying to stuff some weird deep-sea creature in it's mouth, right?

Also, if any guy tried to "feed me his dick" w/out me offering to taste it first myself, I'd bite that
sucker off. Whereas, if a guy gave me a nice glass of wine and a cheese/cracker tray and told me
he'd made it just for me, I might just offer.

Finally, as an author, I liked the original two-tier structure: cheese gets you laid, organic ingredients
upgrade you to a blow job too. So I kinda miss that option. But most authors have issues with what
their editors/art departments do, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

Oh, and PS: you get MAJOR points for having cheesecloth in the house. Hell, I didn't even BOTHER
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with that first time around, figured no one on /r/ would know.
 69
ffffffuuuuuuudge by ontology, shortlink: ftj1k
 The End
go and make some fucking food
you lazy asshole

70