Teenagers Say

the Darndest
Things

Life Lessons We Should Be

Teaching Our Kids

By

Irwin M. DaGuru
2
3
4
 Contents
&
Teenagers’ Quotes

Introduction p.9
My mother told me to never get married. p.13
You’ve never had a drink? You’re lying! p.20
I’ve got to stop downloading porn… p.33
Vincent’s talking about stuff he shouldn’t. p.44
Being a virgin is not cool! p.53
Everyone’s doing it. p.75
Abstinence is cool. p.77
You’re a baby killer! p.79
Oral sex isn’t sex. p.83
It’s okay to have sex if you wrap it up. p.87
Your first time should be special. p.92
Porn star is a cool job. p.94
Playboy’s not pornography it’s just appreciating p.99
beauty.
Hugh Hefner is my idol! p.103
Lesbians are cool! p.116
People aren’t born gay. p.123
If two people love each other, then they should get p.127
married.
My mother would kill me if I told her I was gay. p.130
There is no God. p.136
Religion is stupid. p.142
Boys are stupid. p.150
You should live together before you get married. p.152
I’m going to be divorced because everyone in my p.156
family is divorced.
Conclusion: The perfect little family. p.158

5
6
7
As an educator, Mr. DaGuru encourages students to
augment their vocabulary. Words that are underlined
throughout the book can be quickly referenced in the
glossary found on page 161.

E-mail the author at imdaguru@hotmail.com

8
 Teenagers Say the Darndest Things

Introduction

As a public school social studies teacher I have

interacted with many young people over the years.
As one would expect in a social studies class, many
topics are broached and many views are exchanged.

Along the way, I have been shocked by the views of

many young people today. It’s as if many teens
today were raised by television and popular culture
instead of by caring parents. Of course, we know
that in some socioeconomic circles many kids don’t
have two caring parents; a lot of what they learn
about life and sex is absorbed through the media.

Often when I hear what the kids today think and do,
I am saddened. I wish all of our young people came
from good homes with solid values; unfortunately,
that is not the case. That is why I felt the need to
write this book. So many young people need
guidance and leadership on life’s most important
issues but can’t find it in our modern society.

With this book, I hope to provide insight on what

matters in life and how to get there.

The title of this book is a takeoff from an old

television show that had a segment called ―Kids Say
the Darndest Things.‖ On the show, the host would
engage children in casual conversation and humor
would result out of the children’s naïve and silly
responses. The children’s lines were funny because
9
they were too young to really know what they were
saying.

Well, kids grow up and become teenagers.

Although the topics of conversation change,
teenagers also say some misguided and silly things.
Instead of laughing, I often cringe. I wonder who
filled their minds with such confusion.

This book will correct the misguided ideas that I

have encountered among today’s young people. It
should be noted that student quotations throughout
the book are actual quotes from teenage students of
mine.

Hans and Franz, a couple of characters on Saturday

Night Live, used to use a line that I love: ―Hear me
now and believe me later.‖

While I am confident that you will hear me now and

believe me later, you would do well to hear me now
and believe me now.

The information provided here is sound guidance

based on anecdotal, empirical, and published
research. Heeding the counsel provided here will
help you avoid mistakes that could drastically alter
the rest of your life. You would be wise to
incorporate it into your life today.

10
11
12
 ―My mother told me to
never get married.‖

If your mother told you this, I would say that this is

a situation where you should not listen to your
mother. I can only assume that this student’s
mother has made many relationship mistakes in her
life and doesn’t want her child to repeat them.

Unfortunately, some parents don’t have the right

answers to help their children navigate life
successfully; however, this book does, so let’s get
started.

The Purpose of Life

I have heard various people on different occasions
suggest that the world is a terrible place and people
are bad; therefore, they have no interest in having
children. In their view, it would be wrong to bring
a new life into such an evil world. Ironically
though, the world probably won’t look like a very
appealing place until they do have children.
13
The entire reason for being on earth is to get
married and have kids. Contrary to popular belief,
your sex drive isn’t just for your recreational
entertainment. Mother Nature wants you to
procreate.

Many times kids will tell me they want to be a

musician, an athlete, or a doctor. That’s great and I
wish them luck. However, many people put so
much effort and emphasis on careers, money, and
success, that they forget to plan their lives around
their true purpose here on earth.

If you look at life from a simplified perspective, you

really only have three things to accomplish on your
earthly mission:

1. Educate yourself
2. Get married
3. Raise children

I know that to some young people that sounds pretty

boring. I had one student tell me that he didn’t want
to get married and have kids because he had loftier
goals. His goals were, ―to make it big and get on
TV.‖ A lot of young people may not realize it, but
even people on TV get married and have kids.

Hall of Fame football coach Bobby Bowden once

said the following: ―Happiness is not money, and
it's not fame, and it's not power. Happiness is a
good wife, a good family and good health."1

14
In his career he has reached the apex of his field,
but even he knows fame and fortune don’t mean
much compared to fulfilling your principal mission
here on earth.

Of course, having a career or vocation is important

because they allow us to learn, grow and serve our
fellow man. Also, we have to earn a living if we
want to eat and survive.

However, when I hear people talk about their dream

jobs or careers, I am reminded of an exchange on a
television show from my youth called The Wonder
Years. On the show, when the husband arrived
home each day, his wife would always ask, ―How
was work?‖ The husband’s response was pithy:
―Work is work.‖

No matter what you choose to do for a living, work

will always be just that: work. The real joys in life
come from building relationships with friends,
family, and raising children.

A recent survey showed that 90 percent of teenagers

thought they were ―likely‖ to marry and have kids
when they got older.2 No matter how unglamorous
it may seem, it is probable that you will marry and
procreate. It’s been that way since the beginning
and it will always be that way.

15
If most teens intend to marry and have kids, why
not plan and prepare to successfully achieve these
goals in life?

Defining Success
According to a USA Today headline the goal of
Generation Y (people born since the early 1980s) is
―wealth and fame.‖3 Who could blame them? This
is how the world defines success, and no one wants
to be a failure. Realistically, most people will never
achieve great wealth or fame. So, here we will
define success within the context of your three life
goals.

Goal Success

1. Educate yourself 1. Can you provide for

yourself and family?

2. Get married 2. Have you committed

yourself to someone
worth spending the rest
of your life with?

3. Raise children 3. Have you raised

your children to be
responsible citizens?
Are they ready and
capable of fulfilling
their purpose in life as
established in this
book?

16
1. Educate yourself

Education needs to be a priority because without

it you will likely not be able to provide for your
family in the manner that you would like.

The ability to provide for yourself will be a

source of great pride and joy for you. The
inability to provide for yourself will leave you
dependent on others and with a sense of failure.
There is an old saying that sums up this concept:
Self-reliance breeds self-respect. Education will
enable you to be self-reliant.

2. Get married

You probably think this is easy; however, with

the number of broken families out there, you
should think again.

Notice how I defined success: committing to

someone worth sharing the rest of your life
with. There are a lot of people that you might
find worthy on a purely sexual level, but they
are not marriage material. Finding the right
person is as difficult as any task you will face in
life. But like anything that is really worth
having, it is worth the effort and it can be done.

3. Raise children

Anyone can have a child, that’s the easy part.

Raising good kids is a lifelong process that

17
 begins long before you have your first child.
The decisions you make in your youth influence
who you will become and will set an example
for your future kids to follow. What you do or
say as a parent matters much less than who you
are as a person. Raising good and capable
children will be a challenge, but making the
correct choices throughout your life will make it
easier.

Order Matters
It should be noted that the sequential order of the
life goals matter. I don’t need to detail how mixing
up the life goals will negatively impact your
chances of success; that seems obvious.
Nevertheless, people seem to put the cart before the
horse all of the time. As a result, success becomes
that much more elusive.

Achieving the three life goals isn’t easy; nothing

worth having is. In fact, to prove my point, stop
and think for a second how many people you can
name that married only once and stayed faithfully
married until death?

I’ll bet for every person you can name that has
married only once, you can name someone who
hasn’t. Doing the marriage and children thing isn’t
easy.

18
I often hear people say, when you are on your death
bed, all the worldly success you have achieved will
mean very little if you were unsuccessful in your
family life. I believe this is true, but let’s reverse
that notion. Let’s assume that like most people you
never actually achieve much of anything in your
worldly career. Looking back on your life, how do
you think you would feel if you had a great family
that loved and respected you? To accomplish that
would be much more satisfying than making
millions of dollars or getting on television.

Accomplishing the goals in order and successfully

will bring you immense self-worth and save you
from personal grief and guilt.

Remember:
The purpose of life is to marry and
procreate. Prepare now to take these
steps properly.

19
 ―You’ve never
had a drink?
You’re lying!‖

Many times kids will ask me what I like to drink.

After I tell them I don’t drink-and I never have-they
usually accuse me of lying. I also get the same
response when I tell them I’ve never smoked, used
drugs, or had premarital or extramarital sex. After
their shock wears off, they can sense my sincerity
and they accept that I’m telling the truth.

The next question I always get is: ―Don’t you want

to have fun?‖ They just can’t comprehend that
someone lives their life without doing all of the so-
called ―fun‖ things.

I hear about fun so much that I am growing to

dislike the word. When I consider the harmful
activities that people associate with ―fun,‖ I
sometimes think it should be classified with four-
letter words and banned from polite conversation.

20
If somebody tells me that we are going to do
something because ―it will be fun,‖ I am
immediately turned off by the idea. If I thought I
would enjoy it, I wouldn’t need to be encouraged to
participate in the first place. I cite this only to
demonstrate that ―fun‖ is a subjective and relative
term.

What many young people-and even older people-

call fun, are really distractions from truly satisfying
activities. I do have things I enjoy that are much
more uplifting than self-indulgent behaviors. I
enjoy building meaningful relationships with
friends and family. I enjoy learning; that’s why I
became a teacher. I enjoy helping others. I enjoy
setting and achieving my life’s goals. My principal
problem with some people’s definition of fun is
this: Short-term fun can impede achievement of
long-term goals.

What’s Wrong With Drinking, Drugs, or

Sex?
Often I hear students talking about things they do
that they consider fun like drinking, drugs, and sex.
Whenever I ask students why they do these things,
many seem to see no reason not to. On top of the
potential risk to your emotional and physical health,
my main objection to these activities is that they are
distractions and deviations from achieving the goals
of education, marriage, and children.

21
 What shouldn’t you do and why?
Many of the things that we shouldn’t do are what
society calls vice. Vice can be defined in many
ways: something immoral, wicked, or corrupt.

However one definition from Merriam-Webster best

fits my view: a behavior in animals that is
detrimental to its health or usefulness.4

Although I don’t equate humans with animals, I do

believe that a vice is an activity that is unhealthy or
useless.

Let’s address some specifics. What activities or

vices should one not engage in? My list is as
follows:

Drinking
Smoking
Drugs
Tattoos
Pornography
Premarital sexual activity

Now, let’s recall the definition of vice. Ask

yourself if the aforementioned activities are
―healthy‖? Then ask yourself if such activities will
be ―useful‖ in helping you to be successful in
achieving your goals of getting an education,
getting married, and having children? I submit to

22
you that the answer is no on both counts. Engaging
in vices isn’t necessary to educate yourself, marry,
or raise good children.

I’ll tackle each of these subjects individually, but

first let me explain the collective problem with
vices. One thing many of these activities have in
common is that they can lead to loss of control.

Why is control important?

Control is essential to your well-being and

happiness. Have you ever wondered why so many
people fear flying? I don’t think it is due to
widespread acrophobia. It is likely because
between weather problems, mechanical
malfunction, or pilot error, the entire experience is
one over which the passenger has no control.

Everyone has heard the statistic that the odds of

dying in a plane crash are less than dying in a car
accident. (Although some have put qualifiers on
that statistic, the general idea is correct.) Why then
do people fear flying more than driving? I believe
people don’t fear driving because they think they
are in control behind the wheel; they fear flying due
to lack of control.

Anxiety experts will tell you to not worry about that

which you can’t control. This is generally accurate
advice; however, I have one problem with it:
everyone determines differently what is out of their
control. It’s very common for poverty stricken

23
people to be fatalistic and hold a world view that
events in life are beyond their control. In fact, I
have had many students tell me that they don’t have
much control over their lives because, ―Stuff just
happens.‖

My response is this: Outside of natural disasters like

hurricanes, tornados and earthquakes, stuff doesn’t
just happen. If you choose to take control, you will
have more control over your life than you realize.
This is important because belief in one’s ability to
control one’s destiny is essential to success.

If you are the type of person that believes ―stuff just

happens,‖ then you need help changing your
fatalistic worldview. Luckily, I have a method to
help you do this. The next time something goes
wrong, find a way to blame yourself instead of
someone else. Continue to practice this exercise
and soon you will have a new outlook on life, as
well as a lot of things you can work on improving.

Allow me to show you how this works with a silly

example using the oldest excuse ever: ―The dog ate
my homework.‖ If you blamed yourself, you would
say, ―I foolishly left my homework where the dog
could eat it.‖

It’s kind of like people on the news that ―invest‖

money with a shady individual and then complain
when their money disappears. Sure, the person who
swindled the money bears some burden for stealing
other people’s cash. But, the take-control

24
individual will blame him or herself for allowing
their own greed to cloud their good judgment.

You may have heard people speak pejoratively

about ―control freaks.‖ No one likes to be
controlled or pressured by others. But when you
take responsibility for your own life and actions,
you could become a ―self-control freak.‖ Self-
control freaks are in control of themselves and their
lives. Becoming one would be very helpful in
achieving your goals.

Taking responsibility for yourself and control of

your life will help you to avoid and resist the need
to engage in vice.

Now, let’s look at the vices individually.

What’s wrong with drinking alcohol?

Many will say that drinking in moderation is okay.
Even religious folks will say that Jesus drank wine.
The medical community is now showing some
marginal medical benefits for the heart associated
with drinking alcohol. It should be noted that they
never encourage non-drinkers to start drinking for a
minimal benefit that can be achieved by other
means.

I could bore you with statistics about drunk driving

and alcoholism, but I won’t. Everyone knows that
too much alcohol is destructive to oneself and
others. Let’s look at a different aspect of drinking.

25
Why do people drink in the first place?

I’m sure it’s not because they’re thirsty. In fact,

alcohol is a cause for dehydration, not a remedy.
Admittedly, I have never had a drink, but I don’t
think people start because it tastes good. In fact,
many have told me that it tastes like it smells. I
have smelled alcohol and if it tastes like it smells, it
can’t be that good.

Many experienced drinkers will tell you that they do

like the taste of a particular wine or type of drink. I
suppose that one can acquire a taste for anything
over time. The correlation between drinking and
so-called good times is also a very real association
for others too. However, the point is that people
don’t begin solely because it is a palatable
experience. It is my experience that people drink
for two reasons: to connect with others and to
escape.

First let’s deal with the ―social drinker.‖ The

problem with the social drinker is the message you
send. If we agree that alcohol is not very palatable
and you claim that you are not drinking for the
physical ―buzz,‖ then why are you drinking?

I believe that the social drinker is very much

manipulated by the opinion of others. They desire
to be viewed as cool and accepted by somebody or
anybody that will let them into their social circle.

26
Alcohol serves as the lowest common denominator
for many people. People will rally around it to have
friends, even if the ―friendship‖ is based on nothing
more than drinking. I have met people whose entire
social network is based on drinking. They have a
lot of drinking buddies and all you have to do to
join the network is drink.

If you think that alcohol is an essential part of

socialization and relationships ask yourself the
following:

Do I suffer from low self-esteem?

Am I so vacuous that I can’t make real
friends or build quality relationships?
Do I not have any worthy interests or goals
in life around which I can build meaningful
relationships?

If you answer ―yes‖ to any of the above questions,

consider that drinking socially is nothing more than
a distraction from a more meaningful life.

Along the same vein, if you do drink to get drunk,

you have much bigger problems to confront. Some
people drink to escape their problems. You would
do yourself a big favor to invest your energies in
confronting and conquering your so-called
―problems‖ instead of escaping them.

The last point I would like to make on drinking is

that it often puts you in the company of empty,

27
directionless people who likely are not working
towards the life goals.

I’m reminded of an old Jimmy Buffet song entitled,

―Why Don’t We Get Drunk.‖ In the song, a man
approaches a strange woman at a bar and suggests
they get drunk and screw.

Does such a guy sound like marriage material? A

guy willing to drink excessively with no sexual
standards is not likely to make a good husband or
father should an unexpected pregnancy result.

Would a woman who accepts this proposition be

marriage or mother material? I would think not.

Let’s review my three reasons not to become a

drinker.

1. Drinking is a distraction from your life’s

purpose; it’s not necessary to achieve your
earthly mission.

2. Drinking is a way to weaken your self-

control and good judgment.

3. Drinking often places you in the company of

people not focused on fulfilling their earthly
mission.

Completely avoiding alcohol will help you to avoid

trouble and should motivate you to seek healthy and

28
focused friends that are working to fulfill their
threefold mission here on earth.

What’s wrong with smoking?

There is no need to explain the health ramifications
of smoking. Surprisingly, some still take it up.
However, the same social realities I’ve explained
about drinking apply here. I have never smoked,
but I don’t think people take it up because it is an
olfactory pleasure. Much like drinking, people do it
to cope or fit in.

If fitting in with people who often smell, lack

willpower, and have no respect for themselves or
others is your thing, then you need to work on
improving yourself and your life.

Remember this, if you shouldn’t do it during

pregnancy, you shouldn’t do it. This suggestion can
also include all drugs and alcohol.

What’s wrong with drugs like pot?

See previous sections on drinking and smoking.
See wasting time with losers.
See frying your brain and wasting money.
See illegal.

29
 What’s wrong with tattoos?

I hate taking on this topic with students. So many

young people are getting tattoos that to argue
against them only makes you look old and out of
touch. Maybe I am getting old, but in my day, only
bikers, soldiers, prisoners, and wannabe rebels
would get tattoos. No matter which group you
belonged to, tattoos were for those who rejected
mainstream society.

Based on what students tell me, reasons for getting

a tattoo these days can vary from, ―I think they are
pretty,‖ to ―I want to honor my mother.‖

First, I’ve never seen a tattoo that I thought was

pretty. Even if you think yours is pretty, you can’t
possibly believe that you will love it forever.
People constantly paint and remodel their homes
because they get sick of looking at the same thing.
So why do people think that their tattoo is somehow
different and they will love it forever?

Second, if you want to honor your mother: get an

education, get a job, get married, provide her with
some grandkids, and stay out of trouble. That is
how you honor your mom.

30
One Internet blogger sarcastically suggests the
following will occur if you choose to get a tattoo:

When you get one, life just becomes

so much easier-especially if it's in
plain site all the time. You'll be
respected at job interviews, admired
at funerals and weddings, and even
awarded good seats at fancy
restaurants. Your whole life will
change for the better, doors will open
and new opportunities will come
your way, all because of the awe and
power of your incredible tattoo.
Everyone loves a winner, and
nothing says "I am an interesting and
important person" like getting ink
injected under your skin.5

Typically, people who have tattoos are those who

have had a hard life. Ironically, as the blogger
attempts to point out, tattoos will only make your
life harder.

Even if I haven’t convinced you not to tattoo

yourself and you really believe they are cool,
remember that cool by its very nature is ephemeral.
When I was younger, florescent shoelaces were
considered ―cool‖ and I haven’t seen anyone wear
those in 20 years now. No matter how normal or
mainstream some people think tattoos have become,
they will always be viewed by most as lower class.

31
The vices I have discussed up to this point typically
attract the followers in society. If you want to be a
responsible individual and take control of your life
you will avoid them.

Remember:
Short-term fun impedes achievement of
long-term goals.

32
 ―I’ve got to stop
downloading porn
because I’m getting too
many viruses on my
computer.‖

Pornography

It would be nice if getting viruses on your computer

were the only problem with looking at pornography.
However, there are much greater problems awaiting
those that indulge themselves in this activity.

Pornography is mostly a problem for males but

indirectly affects females too. Many people think
of pornography as harmless fun; it is not. Unlike
the other vices that are typically done with others,
pornography is typically viewed alone and usually
accompanied by masturbation. Many people will
tell you that both pornography and masturbation are
harmless; for a few loners who plan to live a
solitary life that may be true. But if you are
preparing to have a family, as you should, these
activities will ultimately cause you problems.

33
 What is the problem with pornography?

The purpose of pornography is to arouse men. I

once heard it said that porn is for people who can’t
get real sex. This is false. First, anyone can find
sex if they want to. Second, pornography for many
is better than sex. It is so powerful that people who
are married or even fornicating are still attracted to
it.

When you are married, your sexual activity will

largely be routine. Pornography can provide new
and exciting women who likely look better than
your mate and will do things no normal and decent
woman would do. Quickly, sex with your spouse
will take a backseat to your pornography habit. As
you gratify yourself through pornographic material,
you will have no libido or sexual drive left to
engage in real sexual relations with your wife.
Then, you will likely have to lie about why you
don’t want to have sex. The result of your actions is
that your relationship will surely deteriorate.

When I was younger, the enemies of pornography

implied that it was so arousing and powerful that it
would turn men into rapists. Dr. James Dobson,
noted defender of family values, did an interview
with rapist and serial killer Ted Bundy before he
was put to death many years ago. In the interview,
Bundy claimed that one of his demons was

34
pornography and that every guy he met in jail was
afflicted by it too.6

I’m not denying that pornography was a serious

personal struggle for Ted Bundy, but the idea that
pornography will turn normal men into animals is
weak. What is being seen now with ubiquitous
pornography is that the opposite is true. Feminist
author Naomi Wolf explains that ―In the end,
pornography doesn’t whet men’s appetites-it turns
them off (from) the real thing.‖7

The truth is pornography isn’t causing men to attack

women; instead, it is causing men to leave them
alone and lonely.

A few years ago I watched a television news

magazine where the topic was troubled couples.
They interviewed several couples and sent experts
in to help their relationships. One couple that I was
fascinated by was a husband and wife who had not
had sex in two years.

The woman, it turns out, was a dancer at an adult

club where she met her current husband.

Because of her line of work, she invested a lot of

time in her appearance. She worked out and took
the time to do the many things required of women
to be beautiful in the eyes of men. If I recall
correctly, she wasn’t too shabby.

35
Why then had her husband not slept with her in two
years? The answer was that he had performance
anxiety. If you don’t know what that means, let’s
say he couldn’t maintain an erection long enough to
achieve an orgasm for himself or his wife.

A lot of men were probably watching this and

wondering how this could happen? After several
minutes of discussion, the reporter asked if he
looked at pornography or masturbated. He affirmed
that he did both.

Here then is one problem with pornography: you

don’t have an unlimited sexual drive. When you
waste it on yourself, you will not be able to share it
with another.

For two years he had put off his wife, all the while
engaging in his self-indulgent self-gratification on a
regular basis. Is that anyway to treat your spouse?
What would a woman conclude if her husband
never wanted to have sex?

She might conclude that her husband is cheating.

He is either having an affair with another woman or
the other woman is his pornography habit. Most
respectable women do consider pornography to be
the other woman, and in their eyes it is cheating.

We all know that sex and the term ―making love‖

are used interchangeably in our language. If sex
equals love and is a way to say ―I love you,‖ then
what is the message sent when a man puts off sex

36
with his wife for sex with himself? The message to
the woman is: ―He doesn’t love me.‖ Once again,
you can see how pornography leads to the
destruction of healthy relationships.

In the summer of 2008 there was a high-profile case

in the news that demonstrates this precisely.
Christie Brinkley, during a custody battle with her
former husband Peter Cook, took the opportunity to
spill all the dirt she had on him.

(If you are too young to remember Christie

Brinkley, she was the top model of the early 1980s.
She was beautiful, wholesome, and had a
personality that glowed.)

From that trial, we learned that her husband spent

significant time and money viewing Internet
pornography and masturbating. Of course after
having his cyber affairs, he also had a real-life affair
with an eighteen-year-old employee.8

Although she didn’t know exactly the cause at the

time, Ms. Brinkley noticed something had changed
in their relationship. She says, ―I would try to look
nice and make a special effort and he'd say he was
tired and that he'd put in a big day at the office.‖9
She also noticed that he was less affectionate in bed
saying, ―We used to sleep like spoons together. And
I'd ask him, 'Why don't you snuggle with me like
that anymore?'"10

37
Here was the perfect all-American girl. And yet, in
her husband’s mind, she was no match for
pornography and masturbation.

Another point to consider is this: just as

pornography leads to impotence in real sexual
situations, it is often suggested as a cure for the very
problem it causes. Billboards and commercials
often promote adult videos as a way to ―spice up‖ or
―energize‖ your sexual relationships; however, they
do just the opposite.

I would guess that many women feel sorry for men

who are impotent-as if they are victims of some
syndrome. Often the women themselves are blamed
for the problem, or they may blame themselves.
Because of this, women may fall for the lie that they
need pornography in their sexual relationships to fix
their husbands’ impotence.

Again, let’s look at Christie Brinkley and Peter

Cook as a case-in-point. Peter Cook admits that
they used pornography as a "precursor to
intimacy…in the last half of the marriage."11

I can’t believe that any woman respects a man who

claims he needs pornography as part of their love-
making. What he needs instead of pornography is
some self-discipline and to think about his wife
instead of himself.

38
 Why expend mental energy to fantasize
when you can get someone to act one out for
you?

Ultimately, pornography is the lazy man’s way.

What it provides isn’t anything that you can’t think
up yourself, but using your head requires work, and
mental energy.

Contrary to popular belief, thinking is actually more

tiring than physical labor. For evidence of this, take
a look at the highest and lowest paying jobs. The
thinkers make more than the laborers because it is
harder work.

―So what is wrong with taking a short cut?‖ some

will ask.

I’ll attempt to explain this in simple terms. Think

of your brain as a muscle. The more you use it, the
stronger it gets. Engaging in sexual thought is
exercising your brain muscle. When you look at
pornography, you don’t have to use your brain
muscle. Someone else is essentially doing the
heavy lifting for you. We all know what happens to
muscles when they are not exercised on a regular
basis: they atrophy or weaken and become useless.

The consumer of pornography will find it difficult

having real sexual relations with a woman if he has
allowed his mind to atrophy, as he will have
become dependent on external factors for arousal.
39
Cutting pornography out of your life will require
you to use your mind to sexually fantasize. This is
not bad. Your brain is an essential sexual organ;
putting it to good use will actually benefit your
marital sex life. Pornography eliminates the need to
use your brain and will cause sexual frustration,
impotence, and will likely destroy healthy
intercourse with your spouse.

If you don’t believe what I’m saying about using

your brain, let’s look at a quote from an article
about Viagra-the supposed magic blue pill that
people think will fix their sexual performance
troubles:

About half of men for whom

erectile-dysfunction drugs are
prescribed don't renew prescriptions,
surveys indicate, and one popular
explanation is the dumb-lovers
theory. By that scenario, the husband
takes his Viagra, sits down to watch
TV and his wife tells him to come
upstairs when he's aroused. That
won't happen without foreplay or
fantasizing, experts know, because
the drugs aren't aphrodisiacs.12

What can we learn from this article?

I think the lesson here is that sex takes work. Even

with the chemical help of prescription medication

40
the Viagra pill alone won’t get the job done. You
have to put in some required work in the form of
―foreplay or fantasizing.‖

And that is the key problem with pornography: it

undermines one’s ability to work the brain and
fantasize.

With our pornographic culture, I fear that many

young men out there have never even had the
opportunity to fantasize. I grew up in an era when
there was no Internet and cable was mostly stuff
like CNN and the Disney Channel. When a young
man hit his adolescent years and started to find
women attractive he didn’t turn to pornography, he
turned to fantasy generated in his own brain. This
is a natural and useful skill. Due to the ubiquity of
porn, sadly, many youngsters today will have to
suffer from pornographic addictions and sexual
frustration before they realize that it’s best not to
mess with Mother Nature.

Another objection I have to pornography is that it

distorts people’s expectations of sex. This is due to
the fact that it is visual in nature. Pornography
reinforces the idea that you get turned on through
your eyes. This is the view of a virgin or very
sexually inexperienced person. There is a visual
component to sex, but it is only for attraction. We
are attracted visually which is why women spend so
much time on clothes, hair, and makeup.

41
True sexual intercourse is anything but a visual
experience. Society puts much emphasis on visual
stimulation such as lingerie, strip clubs and porn.
However, the best lovers understand that sex is
mental and tactile.

For all the emphasis society puts on the visual, the

best sexual encounters will be with the lights out
and in the dark. Only under those circumstances
can you eliminate distractions and begin the work of
engaging your mind and hands. Only by engaging
your mind and hands can you truly have the most
fulfilling sexual experience-which is all about mind
and body-not eyeballs.

Although some blind people are offended by the

stereotype, it is often said that blind people make
the best sexual partners. Where do you think this
stereotype comes from? Whether it is true or not is
debatable, but the concept behind it is a very
accurate one: blind people have to use their hands
and imagination. The non-visually impaired would
be wise to learn this lesson.

I sometimes wonder, with all the new and

supposedly wonderful things to enhance everyone’s
sex life, how in the world did people just a century
ago even procreate? These days you are led to
believe that your sex life is nothing without sexual
images, videos, toys, Viagra, and variety. Most
generations had none of the aforementioned items,
so it is hard to imagine that people even bothered
having sex for most of mankind’s short history.

42
How did they do it? The truth is none of those
things are needed and are in fact distractions from
really great sex done the old fashioned way.

If you want to be a great lover, and most people in

relationships do, then cut out pornography, cut out
masturbation, and let nature work her magic.

Remember:
Pornography weakens your brain’s
ability to fantasize which will lead to
performance problems.

The best sex is mental and tactile not,

visual.

43
 ―Mr. DaGuru,
Vincent’s
talking about
stuff he
shouldn’t.‖

What’s wrong with masturbation?

Many counselors and health teachers will tell you
that there is nothing wrong with it. Even some
conservative religious leaders will suggest that this
is a healthy way to abstain from the ills of
fornication or sex outside of marriage. In a strictly
physical sense, that is true. You won’t impregnate
someone or get sick and die from it.

The case can also be made that your body has to do

it. For males, the reproductive fluid will exit
involuntarily if it must through the nocturnal
emissions process. You could also argue that if it
were truly unnecessary then Mother Nature could
have made it impossible to do, the same way that
people can’t tickle themselves.

In spite of the justifications for this practice, I

believe it is a harmful habit. Popular culture acts
like it is a normal part of growing up. I suspect in
44
our pornographically steeped culture, that’s reality.
However, before concluding that it is harmless, first
consider my caveats against masturbation.

The first problem with masturbation is that it is part

of cycle deeply intertwined with pornography.
We’ve previously discussed how pornography leads
to masturbation. Well, those who masturbate crave
pornography.

The Impotence Cycle

Pornography Masturbation

Impotence

As the graphic above displays, men who view

pornography want to masturbate, and those who
masturbate end up with performance problems.
Then, the cycle continues when the masturbator
returns to pornography to ―correct‖ their
performance problem.

45
As I have also mentioned previously, using
pornography will disrupt your ability to perform
your marital sexual duties.

For people that are struggling with these issues, you

should know that if you cut pornography out of
your life, you’ll find the urge to gratify yourself
very infrequent. Eliminating pornography from
your life will help break the impotence cycle.

On a related note to women, don’t assume that your

child or husband is immune from this. The best
way you can help your family is to get rid of cable
TV and the Internet. If you don’t think you can live
without them, then as a minimum precaution you
must use parental blocks and software to keep this
stuff out of your home. Few males have the
fortitude to resist pornography at their fingertips.

The second caveat against masturbation and

pornography is that it can be a gateway to
homosexuality.

The first time I heard this, I thought it was just a

scare tactic. How does lusting after women lead to
homosexuality? Since that time, I have heard of
situations where people engaged in ―mutual
masturbation.‖ This practice usually is the result of
young people viewing pornography together. From
that act, the kids then progressed to playing around
with each other.

46
I have always wondered why young men are so
eager to share pornography with others. I’d be
willing to bet that pre-Internet, most men did not
see porn for the first time because they bought it at
the corner store. No, most youngsters where likely
exposed to it by a friend.

Why is that? I think that subconsciously young

people know it’s wrong but they can’t explain why.
So they share it with someone else to gauge their
reaction, as if to say, ―maybe they can tell me
what’s wrong with this.‖

Unfortunately, most young people are not equipped

to understand what is wrong with it or to deal with
the supercharged brain rush they get upon viewing
it.

However, I would caution a young person to get

away from anyone who wants to show them
pornography. Who knows what they have in mind.
They may want to mess around not just with
themselves, but you.

If you have engaged in pornographic consumption

and masturbation with a member of the same sex,
you could be headed toward homosexuality, a
problem which will be discussed later in the book.

47
The third caveat against masturbation is that it can
be done everyday.

I know, for males especially, the sexual drive is

very powerful. Some males may feel the need to
relieve sexual tension everyday. Seinfeld’s Kramer
likened masturbation to shaving, implying that it is
a daily occurrence.

I once saw a comedian who did a stand-up act on

self-gratification that I personally didn’t care for.
His whole bit was about doing it everyday. He
suggested that if he missed a day he would have to
make up for it and do it twice the next day.

I believe he is promoting a very bad habit. The

inability to deny your sexual urges regularly will
have negative consequences.

If you feel like this is something to do daily, then

you should think again. Even the best married
couples don’t have sex everyday. People get tired-
especially when kids arrive, people get sick, women
have ―that time of the month,‖ people get stressed
and there are days where you need to skip sex.
Learning to deny yourself regularly will be a
valuable skill when you are married and need
recovery time to prepare to perform your marital
sexual duties.

The media and entertainers seem to think that pent-

up sexual tension is the most uncomfortable thing in

48
the world; it is not. There is one thing worse than
sexual tension and that is no sexual tension.

The human body can’t perform its sexual functions

non-stop day and night. Your body needs recovery
time between sexual encounters. A book was
published not too long ago entitled: Why Do Men
Fall Asleep after Sex? Putting the science aside, I
think it is your body’s way of beginning the
recovery period.

Sex in one respect is like a combat video game. If

you have ever played combat video games, it is
common to have a power bar. Every time you get
punched or shot, you lose some power. If you get
punched or shot too many times in a short period
without recovery time, you lose all of your ability to
fight back and you die. If, however, you can go an
extended period without getting hit, little by little
your power bar lights back up.

Sex and orgasms are much like the video game

power bar. If you do it too often, you lose your
power and you become useless, but if you can go
for periods without engagement you’ll get your
power back. The longer you can wait the more
powerful you become until you reach full power.

Remember, the only thing worse than sexual tension

is no sexual tension. Disciplining yourself will
allow you the necessary power to stay in the game.

49
My final caution regarding this topic is the use of
the word itself. I have a couple of reasons why I
think the very word itself should not be used or
discussed in public settings.

First, most people consider it a private matter and

do not wish to discuss it with others.

However, it is not uncommon for this topic to be

discussed among young people. I have even had
students discuss it in front of the entire class, but
this is wrong.

Classroom management techniques dictate that one

way to handle inappropriate behavior is to teach
proper social skills. Just as I would tell a student
that he is out of line in discussing such a matter in
class, I think I should explain why it is also
inappropriate for discussion in any public
conversation.

Besides the invasion of people’s privacy, the real

reason it should not be used in conversation is that it
is a very unique word. We all know there are at
least two words for common sexual terminology:
the more socially acceptable scientific term like sex
or intercourse and the socially unacceptable term
like the F word.

Masturbation is the only so-called proper term that

really has crossover appeal. It can be used in a very
upstanding informational discussion about sexuality

50
or it could be used in a less than wholesome
conversation for the purpose of arousal.

I suspect guys who try and get girls to talk about

this subject are trying to strike up some aural sexual
entertainment for their own arousal.

Regardless of how one views the word, there is

really no need to mention it since it is not suitable
for polite conversation.

My final criticism of masturbation is that it is the

lower law.

In the Old Testament God gave many

commandments in the form of ―Thou shalt not.‖ For
example: Thou shalt not kill, steal, or lie. These
commandments were mostly about not harming
other people. In the New Testament Jesus gave
more demanding commandments.

Let’s review the story of the rich young man and

Jesus. Once, a rich young man approached Jesus
and asked him how to get to heaven. In return,
Jesus asked the young man if he had kept the Ten
Commandments. The young man replied that he
had. Jesus then instructed the young man to sell
everything he had and give it to the poor.

The moral of the story to me is that it is not good

enough to just respect others; we are to sacrifice and
serve others. Denying oneself to serve another, that
is the higher law.

51
This, then, is why I say masturbation is the lower
law. Depending on your station in life, you may not
be hurting anyone but yourself. However, someday
you will likely be married and will need to have sex
with a real woman. Sex in a married relationship is
in harmony with Jesus’ command to live a higher
law. The higher law requires you to sacrifice your
wants and serve someone besides yourself.

Masturbation and the accompanying pornography

may seem like harmless entertainment for single
people, but for too many men, they are habits that
will be hard to kick once married. It’s best to learn
to keep your urges in check for the sake of your
future wife and family.

Remember:
There is one thing worse than sexual
tension, that’s no sexual tension.
Learn now to keep your sexual urges in
check.

52
 ―Being a
virgin is not
cool.‖

Why is sex tough?

Many of the vices described up to this point are

mostly done socially and are viewed as a way for
people to meet or attract other people. I once heard
it said that loneliness may as well be classified as a
disease in this world. In fact, it may be worse than
a disease. If you think about it, people will go to
greater lengths to avoid loneliness than diseases
themselves. No one wants to be lonely. Once
people are together be it for unhealthy activities or
even healthy ones, the toughest issue of them all
must be confronted: sex.

Unlike the other unnecessary behaviors I’ve

addressed, everyone has sexual appetites. It may be
easy to avoid drinking and smoking if you are self-
respecting healthy person, but even the healthiest of
people want sex. It is an innate appetite. I believe

53
that it is the most powerful of all the appetites
because it appeals to all five senses:

1. Taste-you use your mouth to kiss and neck

which is the first step towards sex.
2. Smell-smelling good is very attractive-the
fragrance industry has sales in the billions.
3. Sight-we all know the value that is placed on
looking attractive.
4. Hearing-The language of love is as attractive
as contentious language is repulsive.
5. Touch-obviously one can’t have sex without
touching.

Unlike other things on my list of ―don’ts‖ sex is not

bad. There are many things in life that you could
and should do without, but sex is not one of them.
Sex is so important to the goals of marriage and
children that a good portion of this book is devoted
to it. Used properly it will fulfill your life’s purpose
and enrich your marital relationship. Used
improperly, it can destroy your future, marriage,
and family life.

Why wait until marriage to have sex?

I am always shocked when I hear of young people
having sex. Many of them don’t seem to mind
mentioning it in front of me, which I also find
shocking. When I encounter such kids, I always ask
them, ―Don’t you think you’re too young to have
sex?‖ The answer is usually ―No.‖ I guess I should
have seen that coming. Of course, by asking the

54
question, I’m trying to convey that teenagers are in
fact too young for sex.

Why do teenagers engage in sex?

Boys typically tell me that sex is fun, it feels good,
and being a virgin is not cool. Girls typically tell
me it brings them closer to their boyfriends or to
keep their boyfriends happy. There may be an
element of truth to all the answers. But none of
these answers are acceptable. Allow me to argue
the other side of the coin.

Sure it’s fun and it feels good, but is being a teenage

father fun? Is having no education and no future
with a child to support fun? I would think not.

Many young men say being a virgin is not cool.

Who cares what other people think? It’s easy to
say, ―Who cares?‖ The truth is that most people do
care, but they really shouldn’t. Does having sex
somehow validate that you are likeable or
attractive?

Many kids do feel that having a boyfriend or

girlfriend will prove to themselves, and others, that
they have something to offer. If your self-esteem is
already so low that you don’t believe in your own
personal worth, then having sex and messing up
your future and possibly someone else’s will
certainly not fix that.

55
Having sex doesn’t validate you or prove anything.
Some of the most unattractive girls in school have
gotten pregnant.

From the female perspective, girls have told me sex

to them was meant to strengthen or bond their
relationship. I once had a student explain this to me
in a conversation that went something like this:

Teacher: Don’t you think you

are too young to be
having sex at fifteen?
Student: No.
Teacher: Why did you start
having sex so young?
Student: I wanted it to bring
my boyfriend and me
closer together.
Teacher: Did it work?
Student: For a while, we’re not
together anymore.
Teacher: So this was your last
boyfriend?
Student: No, he was two
boyfriends ago.
Teacher: Aren’t you afraid of
getting pregnant?
Student: Yes, my current
boyfriend and I try to
be careful because I
have already had two
abortions.

56
 Teacher: Do your parents know
about this?
Student: They know I’m
having sex, but they
don’t know about the
abortions, they would
be crushed.

I suppose that having sex may help save your

relationship in the short run. As far as your long-
term relationship prospects, you can refer to the
previous dialogue as anecdotal evidence of the
ineffectiveness of this technique.

Why should I wait on sex until

after I’m married?

I have five reasons to wait on sex. There are surely

many more. Feel free to add to my list.

1. You’re too young.

2. It’s great to learn to wait.
3. The chase is more fun than the kill.
4. It builds self-esteem.
5. Sex is overrated.

57
1. My number one reason is you’re too young.

Some websites out there have tips to help you

decide if you’re ready to have sex.

One lists ten questions to ask yourself such as:

1. Are you doing this because YOU want to?

2. Do I know my partner well enough?
3. Is it legal?
4. Do I feel comfortable enough to do it sober?
5. Do I know enough about sex?
6. Will I be glad when I am older that I lost my
virginity at my current age?
7. Can I talk to my partner easily?
8. Do I know how to have sex safely?
9. Do we both want to do this?
10. Does sex fit in with my personal beliefs?13

According to this website, if you answered ―yes‖ to

all of the questions, then you are ready.

How can a teenager possibly be mature enough to

answer all of those questions honestly?

I really liked the question that asks you to predict

your future feelings: ―Will I be glad when I am
older that I lost my virginity at my current age?‖
The only way to know the answer to that question is
go ahead and lose your virginity and then wait 10 or
20 years.

58
Most adults couldn’t honestly answer these
questions either.

I have a much simpler list (only 2 questions).

First: Have I attained enough education that I am

able to support myself, spouse and potentially a
child should one result from our sexual activity?

If you can answer ―yes,‖ then proceed to the next

question.

Second: Am I married to the person that I wish to

be the mother or father of my child?

If you answered ―yes‖ to both questions then you

are ready.

By the time you are married and stable, you will

likely be past your teenage years and mature enough
to honestly answer these two simple questions.

2. It’s great to learn to wait.

Have you ever heard the cliché ―Good things come

to those who wait‖? Well, it’s true.

One researcher in the 1960s conducted an

experiment based on the concept of delayed
gratification. Delayed gratification means putting
off something you want now for something better
later.

59
To identify those that were able to delay their
gratification, a marshmallow was placed in front of
some kids and they were given a choice. They
could either eat it and be done, or if they waited a
few minutes, the researcher would give them a
second one.

The researcher then tracked the kids from the

experiment throughout their lives into adulthood.
The research showed that there was a high
correlation between success and self-control. The
kids who waited for the second marshmallow had
higher SAT scores and better academic records.
The kids who ate the first marshmallow and passed
on their opportunity for a second were found to
have lower self-esteem and more challenging
adulthoods including drug use.14

What does delayed gratification have to do with

sex? First, delaying sex and marriage until you are
older will help you make a better choice when
selecting a spouse. Also, people that hold off on
sex until marriage will enter their marriage with no
children, thus building a strong nuclear family from
the ground up.

A more recent study looked at a group of kids who

delayed sex and a group that didn’t. The study only
measured kids who were still virgins at 18 versus
kids that had lost their virginity before that age.

60
By the time the subjects had reached middle
adulthood the study found the 18-year-old virgin
group:
Completed an average of one
additional year of higher education.
Had incomes that were 20 percent
higher than the non-virgin group.
Had half the risk of divorce as the
other group.

The study also showed that:

The virgin girls were more likely to

have a positive net worth (this means
they have more money and assets
than debts or money owed) and a
drastically reduced risk of welfare
dependency.15

Learning to wait as a teen can help in other ways.

First, you will free up more time to pursue your
educational goals. And second, you will learn to
resist sexual temptation.

Don’t think that when you’re married and having

sex you will never be tempted again. Sexual urges
and temptations will never go away, even if you are
having married sexual relations.

If you were to indulge every sexual urge you had,

you would never have a stable relationship, families
would cease to exist, and civilization would
crumble.

61
Learning to control your sexual impulses will
greatly benefit you, your future spouse, and kids.
Sexual indulgence serves no purpose in
accomplishing your long-term goals. There is no
better time to learn to discipline oneself than at a
young age.

3. The chase is more fun than the kill.

One thing females should know about males is that

they have a hunter’s mentality when it comes to
women. A male will do or say anything to get what
he wants. I am not implying that men lie when they
do this. Many men probably believe what they are
saying at the time, but the females should be very
cautious not to fall for a male’s advances.

One of our most recognized presidents, John F.

Kennedy provided us with a very insightful quote
when he said, ―The chase is more fun than the
kill.‖16

What does that mean?

It is well documented that Kennedy was a

womanizer. Cheating wasn’t just about sex. I’m
sure he could have had sex with his wife if he
wanted. What drives men is the chase. ―Can I get
her?‖ they may ask themselves. Also from the
chase comes the rush of meeting someone new,
flirting, and falling in love. Serial philanderers
can’t give up this source of excitement in their life

62
and thus cheat time and again. Simply put, men
find chasing women fun.

How can young people use this information?

For males, you need to recognize that the feelings

you have that drive you to pursue women are
insatiable. You may in fact believe that she’s pretty
and that you love her and that the two of you will be
happy and together forever.

However, no woman can satisfy your desire to hunt

or chase. Once you have sex, you have
accomplished the ―kill‖ that JFK refers to. After the
kill, the desire to hunt new prey will return. For this
reason, you should not rush into sex believing that it
will make you happy or satisfied. It can only
accomplish that temporarily-usually just hours.

For females, you need to realize that the male

hunter mentality can be helpful or hurtful to your
cause. Most women want a stable relationship and
eventually to have a happy marriage. If you cave
into male sexual advances to get or keep a
boyfriend, there is no guarantee that giving up sex
for him will advance your agenda of a long-term
relationship and eventually marriage.

In fact, once the male has achieved his ―kill,‖ he

may be ready to move onto the next hunt. I’m not
suggesting that after one sexual encounter he will
leave you, but after just a few the mystery is gone
and male curiosity for new challenges and

63
conquests will re-emerge. The desire to hunt will
return. Don’t fall into this trap.

Comedian Bill Maher once joked about female

attempts to please men this way:

―No woman in America would ever

get breast implants‖ [if she really
understood the male mind]. ―It’s
never about big or little or short or
tall or blond or brunette … It’s about
old and new.‖17

If this is true, that is very discouraging for women.

The good news is this: the male hunter mentality
can be channeled to help your cause.

How can females channel the male hunter

mentality? Simple, you place ―the kill‖ (or sex)
after marriage.

There are three benefits to doing this. First, placing

―the kill‖ or sex after marriage will increase the
odds that you are not being duped by a philanderer.
Second, it will increase the odds that you are with a
man that is mature. Third, it will also increase the
odds that you are with a man who is provident,
placing the needs of his future family above his
immediate wants.

64
 But what if I decide to wait and he does
leave?
Saving sex for after marriage is a weeding-out
process, and this is yet another reason to wait. Just
because a guy wants to have sex with you does not
mean that he loves you. A much better sign that he
loves you is his willingness to commit long-term
through marriage.

One of the most recognized models in the world

explains this concept well. Adriana Lima is from
Brazil and is widely recognized for her work with
Victoria’s Secret and Maybelline. When asked if
her suitors were okay with her decision to save sex
for after marriage she said, ―I don’t care. They have
to respect that this is my choice. If there is no
respect, that means they don’t want me.‖18

I love her response because it is so succinct and so

accurate. If a man won’t respect your wishes, then
he doesn’t want you. That’s a pretty simple
guideline to live by.

Saving sex for after marriage will help you lose the
losers.

4. Waiting builds self-esteem.

Some people will say that it’s easy for someone

beautiful (like a Victoria’s Secret model) to pick

65
and choose, but I’m not that pretty or don’t have
that kind of self-esteem.

Well, if you think you’re unattractive and you’re

insecure, ask yourself this: Why would anyone be
interested in you anyway?

Let me make a few points to those lacking self-

esteem.

There is someone for everyone.

Beauty doesn’t automatically bring self-esteem.

There are countless cases of attractive women who
get plastic surgery because they still don’t think
they’re pretty enough. For every man who likes
skinny girls, there is a man who wants a girl with
curves. The curvy girls want to be thinner and the
thinner girls want more curves, usually in the form
of bigger breasts. No one is entirely happy with
their appearance.

There are many cases of beautiful women who have

been dumped multiple times in their lives. Looks
will not make you love yourself more or make your
relationships easier. Relationships are much more
complicated than that. There is nothing wrong with
a healthy amount of hygiene and looking your best.
Looks do make life easier in many ways, but
finding love and happiness are not directly linked to
appearance.

66
Self-esteem is linked to happiness and healthy
relationships.

How do you build your self-esteem if you are

lacking it?

Many people mistakenly think that if they can

impress the world with looks or ability others will
like them, and they in turn will like themselves. If
you believe this, I would suggest that you revisit the
concept of self-esteem. The only way to build self-
esteem is not to impress others or the world, but to
impress yourself.

Some of the things I have accomplished that I am

most proud of are of very little value to the rest of
the world. One example is saving sex for marriage.
One survey shows that approximately 7 percent of
males and 21 percent of females were virgins on
their wedding day. So that means a male virgin at
marriage is in the 93 percentile.19

I’m sure the world doesn’t care about such a

statistic. However, I know that in the face of
temptation I stayed true to my morals. And staying
true to my beliefs has helped me accomplish a
wonderful marriage and family life. I can’t help but
feel good about that. I also believe that my kids
will one day appreciate that too.

Doing what’s right instead of what’s easy and

putting the needs of others over your own-and I

67
don’t mean sexual needs-are effective means of
building your self-esteem.

Let’s take a look at a related quote from Helen

Keller. She says, ―Happiness . . . is not attained
through self-gratification but through fidelity to a
worthy purpose.‖20

In this case, waiting on sex until after marriage is a

purpose worthy of your fidelity. I believe that
remaining faithful to sex after marriage will
produce a healthier marriage and kids who respect
you. Then you will truly have self-esteem.

5. Sex is overrated.
I must confess the first few times I made this
statement in public I had no idea how it sounded to
other people. I quickly came to find out that such a
statement may be offensive to one’s spouse, in my
case, my wife. So let me explain myself.

Sex is a wonderful part of a healthy marriage.

When you are married and have regular access to it,
it does not consume your thoughts nearly as much
as the single person who doesn’t have it. I once
overheard a student who was a teenage mother
observe the following: ―Have you ever noticed that
the people always talking about sex are the ones not
doing it?‖

There is a lot of truth to her observation. And it

should tell you a lot about sex itself. Once you’ve

68
had it, you realize there really isn’t much to talk
about.

I once heard a quote on sex that is rather insightful,

―Sex is like air, you don’t miss it until you don’t
have it.‖

I don’t know who said that, but it’s a pretty accurate

statement. When you don’t have it, you think you
need it and it is forever on your mind. When it is a
regular part of life, you really don’t pay much
attention to it and you may even take it for granted.
For happily married people, it is something you do
to satisfy an appetite as well as bond your loving
relationship.

So when I say sex is overrated, by no means do I

mean it’s not worth the effort. It is, however, not
worth rushing into. Having sex before you’re ready
will not improve your life and can possibly ruin
your life. So make sure to put sex in its context and
wait until it’s time: after marriage. You may be
severely disappointed if you attempt sex before
you’re married and find out it is just not that great,
despite what all the magazines and media tell you.

How do you cope with the abstinent life?

Hopefully, I’ve convinced you to wait until
marriage to engage in sex. However, you may be
saying to yourself, ―I don’t have it and I miss it like
air!‖

69
How then does one cope with the abstinent life?

I would suggest the best way to remain abstinent is

to remain focused on your goals of education,
marriage, and children. Instead of focusing on what
you want but shouldn’t have, like sex, focus on
getting what you want in the long term.

1. Occupy your mind.

Many sexually inexperienced people tend to think

of their reproductive organs as the source of sexual
pleasure. This is a mistake, as the true source of
sexual pleasure is your brain. This is why sexual
fantasy is so inviting. You can be ―turned on‖ just
by engaging your brain in sexual thought even when
your genitals remain untouched. Sex therapist
Laura Berman says that for women, ―Our main sex
organ is our brain.‖21 I don’t know why she singled
out women, because this is also true of men. You
can’t sexually climax unless your mind is focused
on the task at hand. Your brain must be engaged.

This is important to understand because you can’t

be turned on if your mind is occupied on more
productive things. Take time to focus on learning
new things. When your brain is occupied on
productive means you can’t even focus on sex.

This reminds me of a comical exchange from a

1980s film called The Naked Gun. The following
exchange demonstrates my point:

70
Woman: I heard police work is dangerous.
Officer: It is, that’s why I carry a big gun.
Woman: Aren’t you afraid it might go off
accidentally?
Officer: I used to have that problem.
Woman: What did you do about it?
Officer: I just think about baseball.

If you missed the exchange, there is a little double

entendre there. But the point is sex can’t occupy
your mind if you’re focused on something else. So
focus on sports, focus on music, or hobbies. Most
of all, focus on your education and your future.
How are you going to make a living and support a
family? When you have that figured out then focus
on women, marriage, and sex-in that order.

2. Don’t date until you’re an adult.

The next best thing you can do to avoid pre-marital

sex is to not date too young. I have students that
tell me about their past boyfriends from second
grade, middle school, and high school.
The natural progression of male/female
relationships is to proceed to eventual sexual
intercourse. Therefore, dating someone exclusively
at a young age is very dangerous. You might start
with holding hands or kissing, but there will come a
time when you get more comfortable and you’ll
want to do more. It is best to just not date when
you’re a minor.

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Dating takes up a lot of time and requires you to
focus your free time and money on someone else.
Only when you are out of high school should you
begin to think about dating. At that point, it is okay
to date because should you find the right person you
can also begin to think about marriage. Marriage of
course, is the real goal anyway.

How far is too far?

Some guys want to get with a girl just for the thrill
of sexual activity. But mature couples may actually
have dated and waited long enough to believe they
are in love and they will want to express that love in
a physical manner. Eventually, you will have to
decide how far is too far.

What is permissible behavior for those in

relationships that are trying to preserve sex for after
marriage?

Here are a few ideas to help couples remain

abstinent until they have committed to each other
through marriage.

1. Stay away from erogenous zones.

If you don’t know what erogenous means then think

of any naked body part that would be pixilated if
you’re watching standard cable. These zones are
areas that would be covered by a typical bathing
suit: breasts, nipples, and reproductive genitalia

72
would qualify here. These zones are very powerful
and touching them can quickly arouse both male
and female. Make sure they are always clothed and
that your hands never go under the clothing.

Robin Williams once joked, ―God gave men a brain

and a penis but not enough blood to run both.‖22
What he is saying is that once a man is aroused, the
increased blood flow below the belt diminishes
blood flow to the brain and it stops functioning
properly.

Although in a literal sense his observation is not

true, he is on to something. A man’s will and
resistance are severely weakened when he arrives at
a high state of arousal. So stay away from the
places on the body that will divert blood flow from
your brain to highly sensitive reproductive parts. If
you don’t, your judgment and your willpower will
be compromised.

2. Keep four on the floor when alone.

They taught you this in grade school so you didn’t

fall out of your chair. But in this case, I’m talking
about a couple’s feet. You can’t really get in a
comfortable sexual position if you both keep your
feet on the ground.

Four chair legs on the floor will help you from

falling out of your chair, while four human legs on
the floor will help you from falling in the carnal
sense of the word.

73
 3. Set a date for marriage.

If you really think you have found the one, then get
married. Setting a date will give you a goal and a
finish line to work towards. Abstaining is much
easier when you can see the light at the end of the
tunnel.

A final thought on saving sex for after marriage.

I once had a discussion with a young lady who

believed that sex meant nothing. I explained to her
that sex before marriage was dangerous and an
abuse of the power to procreate. She responded:
―The power to procreate? It’s just sex!‖

Ultimately, sex before marriage devalues sex itself

and the institution of marriage. If one can justify
sex before marriage, it’s that much easier to justify
sex outside of marriage after you’re married.

Remember:
The sexual appetite is tough to control because
it is the one appetite that appeals to all five
senses; however, it can and should be controlled
for the sake of your marriage and family.

74
 ―Everyone’s
doing it!‖

I’m particularly troubled by this notion. Research

shows that, ―One of the strongest predictors of risk
for early sexual intercourse…was the perception
that his or her peers were having sex.‖23 The reality
is that everyone is not doing it. It may seem like
everyone is doing it because many people lie and
say they are-especially boys.

One recent survey shows that over half of the high

school population-53 percent-are abstaining.24 A
portion of the other half may have only tried it and
quit. The percentages of teenagers who are actually
sexually active on a consistent basis are the
minority. A majority of high-school kids are not
sexually active.

75
Another survey showed that not only are many
young people abstaining from sex, but the numbers
that are refusing to date in high school are also on
the rise.25 This is a very positive trend, because you
can’t fall into the sex trap alone.

Dating seriously for a long period of time and then

trying to remain abstinent is doubly difficult. One
student surveyed had the right attitude, ―Romance
takes up a lot of time.‖26 Instead, she would like to
focus on socializing in groups and preparing for
college.27 These are both worthy goals for high-
school teens.

Remember:
More kids are not doing it than are. You
should be part of the majority.

76
 ―Abstinence is
cool.‖

Those that are abstinent are often are praised by

adults, and even some of their peers, for their
choice. Some adults believe that if they say
―Abstinence is cool!‖ enough times maybe kids will
believe it.

Kids aren’t stupid. If it were really cool then adults

would be practicing it too. All kinds of people
would be flocking to the practice and they would be
making it a permanent lifestyle decision.

This of course doesn’t happen, abstainers long for

the day that they can leave the practice. Instead of
saying abstinence is cool, we should be teaching
that abstinence is right.

Society will likely mock you for your decision to

remain abstinent. A small group of students at
Harvard recently started a club to promote
abstinence. Some of the supposedly brightest

77
students in the world at Harvard have taken it upon
themselves to mock the abstinence group. One
student said his friends ―take pleasure in loudly, and
graphically, discussing their sex lives just to taunt
him [for practicing abstinence].‖28

In our society, it’s not an easy road to travel.

Abstinence may not be cool, but it’s right, it’s
necessary, and it is worth it.

Remember:
Abstinence may not be the ―cool‖ thing
to do, but it is the right thing to do and
will be worth it.

78
 ―You’re a baby
killer!‖

Abortions, along with homosexuality, are the only

two topics that most kids actually have an opinion
on. Usually it is not a well-thought-out opinion, but
most kids do have a simplistic gut reaction to both
of these topics. All other political topics: taxes,
war, foreign and domestic policy, are considered
―boring.‖ That’s probably because they don’t have
anything to do with sex.

Abortion typically comes up during our discussion

of the political parties and their platform positions.
I hate to bring up the topic because I know there is
always someone in the room who has had one and it
is such a delicate subject. On one occasion, I had a
girl confess to the class that she had had an
abortion. In response, another girl cried out
―You’re a baby killer!‖ We don’t need public
discourse like that in the classroom or anywhere.

During a typical discussion on this issue, most

students are not shy about sharing their views-

79
usually in the form of blurting them out. After we
have heard the various viewpoints, eventually
someone will want to know where I stand, ―Are you
for abortion or against it?‖ Being the moderator of
the discussion, I typically try not to choose sides.

However, I do like the way the kids phrase the

question. They apparently haven’t heard of the
popular marketing slogans ―pro-choice‖ and ―pro-
life‖ yet. And as far as I’m concerned, they really
have asked the right question. You are either for
abortion or against it.

The truth is just about everyone on both sides of the

debate is against abortion. And this is why the
debate itself is sort of silly: To say you are pro-
choice somehow implies that you are anti-life; to be
pro-life implies that you are anti-choice.

The unfortunate thing about labels is that they cause

us to circumvent discussion of the real issues. If we
must use labels, I would call myself ―pro-choices.‖

Excepting for rape victims and the one-time-only

Immaculate Conception, people don’t just become
pregnant. Pregnancies are not communicable
diseases. This entire political discussion is formed
around the idea that pregnant woman are victims of
some force out of their control. In fact, one British
newspaper used the term ―victim of uncontrolled
fertility‖ to describe a woman with an unplanned
pregnancy.29 Rape victims and the Virgin Mary-if
she is part of your religious tradition-are the only

80
women I can think of that didn’t have a choice.
Everyone else actually gets choices.

What are your choices?

You have three:

1. First, you get to choose if you will have sex.

2. Second, you get to choose if you will use
contraception.
3. Third, you get to choose how much
contraception you will use. If you really
feared pregnancy that much, you might
consider using more than one method.

You get three choices right there. Everyone should

have those choices. If having the one choice (of
getting an abortion) is popular enough to garner
support from roughly 50 percent of the population,
then having three choices should be an even more
popular political position.

I believe, however, we are really having a veiled

debate when it comes to this issue. I think social
conservatives are really more concerned about
rampant fornication, adultery, and recreational sex
than they are about when life actually begins. Pro-
lifers don’t want teenage girls and single women to
become mothers any more than the pro-choice
crowd does.

What really upsets the conservatives is the way that

sex, once primarily about bonding marriages and

81
procreation, has been reduced to frivolous
recreational entertainment. Conservatives can’t
stand the idea that society would allow the
elimination of nascent life just to maintain the
liberal fantasy of free love without consequences.
Permitting consequence-free sex has inarguably
deteriorated the nuclear family which should be the
cornerstone of society.

I suspect that the drive to outlaw abortion is less

about the right to life and is more:

To remind people of the importance of

personal responsibility.
To remind people of the reality of
consequences.
To remind people of the sacredness of sex
and that the power to procreate should not
be abused outside of marriage.

In the end, the legality of abortion really isn’t that

important. If you take responsibility for your life
and follow the guidance in this book, you will never
be in a position of having an unwanted pregnancy.
The majority of abortions performed are on single
women. For happily married people, a pregnancy,
even unplanned, would always be a welcome
addition to the family.

Remember:
Everyone, except rape victims, gets choices
prior to conception, use them wisely.

82
 ―Oral sex isn’t
sex!‖

This topic typically comes up anytime the name Bill

Clinton is mentioned in the classroom. Many kids
today don’t see other forms of sexuality as sex.
Students often agree with Bill Clinton that unless
there was actual intercourse, it is not sex. One sex
educator says, ―When you talk to kids, you cannot
convince them that (oral sex) is sex…it is frightful,
frightful, frightful.‖30

So if no one’s going to get pregnant, what’s

the big deal?
Oral sex is wrong. It’s wrong for teens and it’s
wrong for adults. There is really no time or place
where a self-respecting person should engage in this
practice.

My main objection to oral sex is that it is a one-way

street. The beauty and wholesomeness of sexual
intercourse is that it is a mutually beneficial act.
Done properly, intercourse permits climax for both

83
the male and female at the same time. Sodomy, in
either of its forms, is about the pleasure and
domination of one partner over another; that’s why
it’s out of bounds.

Unfortunately, many teenage girls have taken to the

practice of oral sex as a way to get attention from
boys and still keep their virginity. They may be
keeping their virginity in a technical sense, but they
are losing their self-respect-if they ever had any to
begin with.

A few years back television journalist Katie Couric

did a special on teens and sexuality. She found that
performing oral sex was quite common for teenage
girls. I was pleasantly surprised when she asked the
question on my mind, ―What is in it for the girls?‖31

The answer, surprisingly enough, was ―self-

esteem.‖32 The girls seemed to think that they
would feel good about themselves if they had
attention from boys; easy oral sex is a good way to
get a boy’s attention.

Women with real self-esteem understand that when

a man really wants a woman, he will be preoccupied
with pleasing her sexually, not the other way
around.

It’s amazing to me that young girls are willing to

service a boy for free, when I suspect oral sex used
to be something deviant grown men paid prostitutes
for.

84
Sometimes I wonder where these girls’ parents are.
But we live in a different world. Many parents
don’t address these topics due to awkwardness or
ignorance. I believe the majority of normal adults
don’t do this; therefore, it is possible that they just
don’t believe this stuff is going on.

The world I was raised in was very different from

the world today, now we live in a pornographic
culture. These days sodomy is displayed as normal,
when for the millions of people that came before us,
such acts were sin. Sodomy, for most of human
history, was banned under the law of man not just
the law of God.

The original debate of course is whether oral sex is

sex?

Allow me to delineate the definition of sex with a

couple points. First, ask yourself: If I were
married, would my spouse consider my actions
cheating? This would certainly negate President
Clinton’s narrow definition of sex. Second, are
bodily fluids and sexually transmitted diseases
exchanged by this type of behavior? If the answer
is yes, then I think that counts as sex.

I once heard a religious leader comment on the fact

that he was often asked about the morality of oral
sex when counseling couples. I liked his response,
which was: If you have to ask, then there’s your
answer.

85
No one asks their pastor if copulation in marriage is
okay. Everyone knows that it is, and that it serves a
God given purpose.

There is a lot of sexual fantasy that you can do

without in real life and be just fine; sodomy is one
of those things.

Remember:
Sodomy used to be against the law of
God and man. It has no place in a
healthy relationship or marriage.

86
 ―It’s okay to have
sex if you wrap it
up.‖

One issue I encounter with young people over and

over is the idea that sex is okay as long as you use a
condom. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by this
view, since that is the message on teen-oriented
television shows.

Condoms are the answer to all of our problems they

tell us. Used properly, they prevent pregnancy and
sexually transmitted diseases, while still allowing
you to play around and have sex. This must be one
heck of an invention.

I can’t blame television solely for this view.

Several kids have told me that their parents know
they are having sex, and that it’s okay with them as
long as they ―wrap it up.‖

So out of curiosity I challenge their logic with, ―Do

you?‖ I’ve yet to get a definitive ―yes‖ from any

87
student. Usually the answer is ―sometimes.‖
―Sometimes‖ sure defeats the purpose of the
condom doesn’t it?

Condoms are one of the biggest hoaxes in America.

One thing adults and the media don’t seem to tell
kids is that condoms diminish the sexual experience
so much that you are really missing out on the fun.

Sadly, many kids probably start out with a condom

for their first attempt at sex, only to realize that it
wasn’t the wonderful experience that they were told
about. The next logical step is to attempt sex the
way it was intended: flesh on flesh and skin on skin.

The truth about condoms is this: they are unnatural.

You can’t place latex rubber over your skin and get
the true sexual sensation. It would be like telling
people that masturbation is unsanitary and that to
sanitize the practice you need to put on a surgical
glove. Not many people would bother under those
conditions, and it’s the same with condoms.

I once saw a PBS special about fighting AIDS in

Africa. With the best of intentions of course, health
educators went to a brothel in Angola. This
particular brothel’s customers were mostly soldiers
from the army that were away from home often.
Regrettably, they frequented prostitutes and then
would pass along diseases to their wives back
home.

88
Instead of trying to convince these adulterers to
simply remain faithful to their wives, the health
workers promoted condoms as the solution. The
prostitutes were all for it because I’m sure they
didn’t want to get AIDS. Plus, sex with paying
customers was just a job for them; they weren’t
really in it for the pleasure anyway.

The soldiers on the other hand, weren’t quite sold

on the idea. One health care worker explained to a
soldier that AIDS is deadly and can be prevented
with condoms. This soldier responded that he
would rather have unprotected real sex and run the
risk of death than use a condom.

I’ve cited an extreme example; however, the point

is that sex with a condom isn’t really worth it. The
only way you can have real sex, with no worries
about disease or unwanted pregnancy, is to get
married and stay monogamous. Then, and only
then, can you truly enjoy sex the way it was meant
to be.

Let’s stop for a second and ponder the purpose of

condoms.

Why do you need a condom?

I would suggest that on top of protection from

disease and pregnancy, condom users want
protection from their sexual partner. Using a
condom says: I don’t know you very well, I don’t
trust you, I don’t want there to be any evidence that

89
we even did it, so don’t count on this being a long-
term thing.

Why waste time on someone you don’t trust and

don’t want to commit to?

Next, condom promoters always tell us that sex

using the birth control pill doesn’t protect anyone
from the spread of sexually transmitted diseases,
thus the need for mandatory condom usage.

Consider the following scenario: Your partner tells

you they have AIDS but not to worry because they
have condoms on hand for protection. Would you
still engage in sex at that point?

If you knew for a fact that a potential partner had

the deadly disease of AIDS, I’ll bet that all of the
sudden a condom wouldn’t feel like that much
protection. I believe that nearly everyone would
turn down that kind of sex.

Let’s say that your partner has a non-fatal STD.

Would you still put on a condom and risk it?
Again, I’ll bet the answer is ―no‖ for most people.

There is an air of mistrust and risk around condom

users. If you think the situation is unclear enough
to warrant a condom, maybe you shouldn’t be
having sex.

Condoms are for risk-taking non-committal types.

You should invest your energy in a relationship that

90
has trust and marriage potential. Then, after you’re
married, you can consummate the deal with
pleasurable risk-free sex.

Remember:
Condoms take the fun out of sex. Real
sex is flesh on flesh and skin on skin.
This is another reason to wait until
marriage and do it right.

91
 ―Your first
time should be
special.‖

I’m sure everyone does want his or her first sexual

experience to be wonderful. But there is a high
probability that it won’t be. I’m sure we have all
seen television shows or movies where someone
loses their virginity and it is romantic and
wonderful. I have even seen shows where the
person felt weird after the encounter and even had
regrets about whether it was right or not for the
relationship. But I have yet to see a show where
some young virgins attempt to lose their virginity
and fail. In real life, sex is not as easy as you may
think it is, or as television portrays it. Let me
describe some of the obstacles many people face:

Can’t find the entrance.

Found it but can’t get in.
Got in but it hurts for her or him.
Got in and male finishes but female doesn’t.

92
Sex is unbelievably complicated for the novice.
Many guys think that because they have read
Maxim articles and seen pornography they know all
they need to know to execute the mission
successfully. This would be like saying that
because you read Sports Illustrated and watch
SportsCenter you can play quarterback in the NFL.

Your first time will probably be more frustration

than pleasure. For truly disciplined couples where
both parties are new to sex, it may takes hours,
days, weeks, months or years to figure out sex.
Some couples who have been together for years still
can’t achieve mutual orgasm through intercourse. I
believe it can be done however, but you need to talk
about it and work at it.

Remember:
Your first time likely won’t be special.
In fact, it may take some time for you to
figure it out, so no need to rush into it.

93
 ―Porn star is a
cool job.‖

Only a kid who has no idea what he is talking about

could possibly believe this. But I have had several
kids argue this idea with me.

Let me begin with the truth about porn stars.

People in this industry typically fall into four
categories:

They hate their parents or don’t know them.

They want fame and attention.
They are drug addicts.
They can’t make a living by normal means.

I’m not trying to condemn porn workers. In fact, if

we truly cared about these people we would step in
and stop this industry that allows people to destroy
their lives.

I do, however, want to point out that nowhere on the

list is the category of ―people seeking fun.‖ Porn
workers are not in it for that reason because it is not
fun, as I’ll explain.
94
First of all, much of this stuff isn’t real. Let’s
compare pornographic film sex with real life sex.

Real sex:
Is done mostly in the dark or dimmed
lighting.
Lasts only minutes.
Is done in relative silence.
Is done with a man on top of a woman in the
oddly named missionary position.

Pornographic sex:
Is done under bright lights-it has to be if
you’re going to film it.
Seems to go on forever-it has to if you’re
going to sell it. Who would pay for a two-
minute video?
Involves exaggerated moans and shouts-they
actually hirer people to do voiceovers and
then edit them in to make this stuff sound
more exciting than it really is.
Involves unrealistic positions that most
people couldn’t pull off or sustain for more
than ten seconds.

Remember that a pornographic movie is just a

movie.

95
What makes movies interesting?

They involve several constantly changing

camera angles to keep your attention.
They carefully construct an aesthetically
pleasing ambience-most movie stars aren’t
ugly.
They add music and voiceovers to heighten
and sensationalize emotions.
People experience vicarious fantasy through
movies.

Again, this is why I tried to explain that your first

sexual experience would be nothing like what you
think you know about sex. Pornographic movies,
just like regular Hollywood movies, are crafted to
be better than reality.

If a movie were like real life, why would you bother

to pay and see it? The same goes for pornography.
If it were like real sex, then people wouldn’t pay to
see it.

The second reason porn star is not a cool job is the

law of diminishing marginal utility. ―What is that?‖
you may ask. The law of diminishing marginal
utility is a concept from economics class and states
roughly that the more you consume a product, the
less pleasure you derive from it.

96
One economics website explains it like this:

Say you go to a buffet and the first

plate of food you eat is very good.
On a scale of ten you would give it a
ten. Now your hunger has been
somewhat tamed, but you get another
full plate of food. Since you're not as
hungry, your enjoyment rates at a
seven at best. Most people would
stop before their utility (or
usefulness) drops even more, but say
you go back to eat a third full plate
of food and your utility drops even
more to a three. If you kept eating,
you would eventually reach a
point at which your eating makes
you sick, providing dissatisfaction.33

Sex is supposed to be pleasurable and special. If

you do it all day, even simulate it all day, each
scene or encounter would become less satisfactory.
Eventually, not only won’t you find pleasure in it,
you will likely hate it.

There is an adage out there about earning a living

that says, ―Do something you love for a living and
you’ll never have to work a day in your life.‖ That
doesn’t apply here. Taking something you love and
making it work will cause you to hate it. And, who
wants to hate one of life’s greatest pleasures?

97
 Remember:
The law of diminishing marginal utility
applies to every aspect of life, not just
economics. You can have too much of
a good thing.

98
 ―Playboy’s not
pornography,
it’s just
appreciating
natural
beauty.‖

I once had a male student tell me that Playboy is not

pornography, ―it’s just appreciating natural beauty.‖
One young college student at a Playboy ―talent‖
search justified her attempt to appear in the
magazine by saying ―It’s not like it’s
pornography…It’s glamorous.‖34

Hugh Hefner too likes to promote this sophistry.

When asked whether or not he thought of
centerfolds as provocative he replied, ―I've always
found the centerfolds something other than
erotic…You take a picture and you call it
pornography, then you see it with different eyes.‖35

So according to Mr. Hefner, some people see

Playboy as pornography because they have been
told that is what it is.

99
The interviewer went on to ask if Mr. Hefner
believed pornography existed, to which he replied,
―Yes, and there's beauty, too…what somebody else
likes is pornography and what you like or I like is
erotica. It's like beauty, it's very subjective.‖36

Well, I don’t think we have an either/or proposition

here. It surely could be beautiful and pornographic
at the same time.

There was a Supreme Court justice name Potter

Stewart that has been quoted myriad times on the
issue of obscenity saying, ―I know it when I see
it.‖37 I’m not saying the Playboy is obscene, but it
is pornography and you’ll know it when you see it.

Then again, who am I to tell Hugh Hefner what he

sees. For the sake of argument, let’s assume that he
does just see beauty. That then would be another
reason to avoid his products. To actually make it to
the point where beautiful images of nude women
don’t arouse you anymore is truly a sad state of
affairs.

As we discussed earlier, too much of anything will

eventually lead to a decline in the derived pleasure
until it has no pleasurable effect at all (remember
the law of diminishing marginal utility).

Unfortunately, looking at his ―beautiful‖ photos all

day may have caused Mr. Hefner to reach that
nadir.

100
Beauty is addictive?

Let’s say that you are on that special elevated plane

with Mr. Hefner and you don’t see pornography but
are able to appreciate only the beauty in Playboy.
Did you know that beauty can be addictive?

Brain researchers using MRI machines have been

studying how the brain functions. The researchers
have discovered that beautiful images and
addictions light up the same portion of the brain.
Research shows that a male looking at a beautiful
woman is like a gambler eyeing cash, a hungry
person who sees food, or a drug addict who sees a
fix.38

Have you ever heard on the news about some

person who got fired for looking at pornography on
his work computer? (I actually heard another one
of these stories the day I was writing this.) Most
people probably scratch their heads and wonder
why anyone would do something so stupid. Now
we know. For some people, beautiful pornographic
images are a drug and there’s not much you can do
when an addict needs his fix.

If you are into pornography, you should consider

that you may be a drug addict. If you don’t think
it’s harmful or that you’re addicted, then accept my
challenge to stop. Give it up for a couple months,
six months, or a year. I hope you can. The only
downside is that you may miss your fix. The upside
is that you will get your natural libido back and

101
your mind will begin to create its own fantasy the
way nature intended.

Remember:
Playboy is pornography and you’ll
know it when you see it.

102
 ―Hugh
Heffner is my
idol!‖

Every year when my class studies the 1950s, I show

a documentary on how conformist the decade was.
There is also a segment in the same video on the
minority of 1950s non-conformists. In that section
of the video there is a ten second blurb on Hugh
Hefner and his new magazine Playboy.

The mere image of this man inevitably evokes

commentary from the class. Young men can’t help
themselves when they see their idol. Surprisingly,
he has quite a following among young women too.
It is not uncommon to see girls wearing Playboy
jewelry and clothing at school or around town. The
Girls Next Door, a cable show about Mr. Hefner
and life at the Playboy Mansion, has a 70 percent
female demographic.39 If women truly understood
the harm this man has done I think they would feel
differently.

Nevertheless, young people universally admire him.

I should note too, not only do young people admire

103
him, the media seem to love him as well. Everyone
wants an interview and no one challenges him on
anything. Unfortunately, the media are complicit in
perpetuating the Hugh Hefner charade.

―What charade?‖ you may ask.

Well, most young men foolishly think that Hefner is

living the life. He’s got total freedom and girls,
girls, girls, just waiting on him hand and foot to
fulfill his every desire. Of course he has sex with
all of them, the kids tell me. One young man told
me, ―Of course he’s cool, who wouldn’t want to
wake up to that every morning.‖

Let’s look at three common beliefs about Hugh

Hefner and then I will address each one. First is
that Hugh Hefner has the life because he’s free and
has tons of beautiful girls around him. Second is
that he is sleeping with these girls. Third is that he
is a revolutionary.

1. Hugh Hefner has the life.

It is commonly believed that Hefner’s life is great

because he’s free and has lots of hot women. If that
were the life, why would he give it up? The guy
has been married twice and has four children
between both wives. He even claims he was
faithful during his marriages. Admittedly, the first
was before the Playboy successes, but the second
was right in the middle of his iconic lifestyle in the
Playboy Mansion.

104
Let’s look at Hefner’s words from a 2007 NPR
interview.

When asked about his three girlfriends from the

television show The Girls Next Door, he says that
he has come close to finding a ―soul mate‖ in Holly
Madison, one of the three female co-stars of the
show.40

The interviewer then asks him if it weren’t for the

TV show, would he be monogamous already.
Hefner responded, ―That’s a pretty good call.‖41

Allow me to interpret his answer: I’m already not

sleeping with all of my ―girlfriends,‖ but the reality
of the situation won’t help promote my ―reality‖
show. So let’s move on.

He even declares that he will be with her (Holly

Madison) ―for the rest of his life.‖42

He also describes himself as a ―romantic‖ who has

―always been looking for a one-on-one
relationship.‖43 This, he explained, is why he
attempted marriage a second time in the 1980s. He
went on to declare that the failure of the second
marriage was ―her fault‖ and that he was always
faithful to the marriage and thought the marriage
was to be the ―epilogue of his life.‖44

In that last line, Hefner declares that if his wife

hadn’t screwed up the marriage, he would still be

105
married to her. Then the American public wouldn’t
be expected to believe over the last decade that he
has had three, four, or seven girlfriends at a time.

If Mr. Hefner were living such a great life with all

these beautiful women, why put the brakes on a
good thing? Even after Hefner happened upon the
―good life,‖ he tossed it aside to attempt family life
again. There must be something more to life than
beautiful women for the world’s greatest bachelor
to give it up. Hefner’s private life reinforces the
premise of this book: that the whole purpose of life
is not to recklessly engage in hedonistic pursuits.
Instead, life is about family, marriage, and children.

Since I first began this book, Hefner and Madison

have split up and Hefner admits to being ―down in
the dumps.‖45 The reason for the breakup was that
Madison wants marriage and children which Hefner
can’t or won’t provide.46

This again backs my message. Why would Hefner

be ―down in the dumps‖ over a breakup if lots of
beautiful and easy women were the key to
happiness?

Why would Holly Madison separate herself from

the source of her fame and fortune if that brought
her happiness? Simple, she wants to fulfill her
life’s mission of marriage and children. I’m sure
the attention and the money were nice, but they just
weren’t enough.

106
By the way, after his divorce Hugh Hefner did the
right thing and provided his ex-wife and their two
children living quarters on the Playboy Mansion
property. He says the reason is: ―In the best of all
worlds, children should be raised by both parents."47
Of course the media never talk about Hugh Hefner
the father or family man because it’s just not good
for business.

Why do people, even after failed attempts, continue

to marry and have kids? An old Janice Joplin song
lyric answers this: ―Freedom’s just another word for
nothing left to lose.‖ People who are truly free have
nothing. When you have nothing to lose, you have
nothing to live for. Even Hugh Hefner, the world’s
greatest bachelor, knows that.

Hugh Hefner is no different than any other man, he

just wants someone to love and appreciate him for
who he is. Multitudes of paid girlfriends on your
arms can’t change that.

2. Hef is sleeping with them all.

One article I came across while researching this

topic suggested that Hefner has slept with over 1000
women. That same writer also admits that he, like
most media that interview him, ―didn’t ask personal
questions.‖48

The same writer goes on to comment about Hefner:

107
 His brand of absolute candor
precludes disclosure…I decided I'd
rather hear his fascinatingly polished
rendition of the truth then to go
rooting around for some other
version.‖49

That was probably a good decision since Mr.

Hefner likely would have stonewalled any effort to
get some truth, and possibly could have ended the
interview.

Is he sleeping with them all? Let’s take a look at

some quotes from the women themselves. In the
January 2005 issue of Esquire magazine, Pamela
Anderson addresses this very question:

Yes, Hef’s sleeping with them all.

For real! I’ve actually walked in on
him. See, one time I was over at the
mansion with some friends. . . . I
decided to walk around the house a
bit. As I was walking around, I ran
into one of the girls. And she’s like,
―Come upstairs.‖ So I went upstairs,
and there’s Hef on the bed . . .
there’s all these girls naked. It was
like watching a movie. . . . I realized,
okay, this is really happening. And
then I heard this voice from
downstairs . . . and it kind of snapped
me back to reality. I ran back
downstairs.50

108
Let’s make a couple of points here. First, the very
wording of her account makes her story sound
fabricated. Notice how she begins ―one time.‖
That is awfully close to ―once upon a time,‖ which
is how fairy tales begin. And, I believe this account
is an adult fairy tale.

Second, if Mr. Hefner were sleeping with them all,

then why would Pamela Anderson not know about
it? And why would she have to accidentally happen
upon this event to discover this?

Shouldn’t the woman who holds the record for most

Playboy covers have slept with him already?51

At the very least, shouldn’t a Playboy icon like

Anderson have been invited ahead of time to this
ridiculous get together that she describes? After the
extensive work she has done for Hefner’s empire,
isn’t it hard to believe she never had the chance to
sleep with the king of the Playboy castle?

In the same interview Pamela Anderson does give

us one truthful nugget of wisdom, ―Come on,
people! It’s never what it seems.‖52

In Stuff magazine, Playmate Victoria Silvstedt was

asked about life at the Playboy Mansion. When
asked if people are ―constantly screwing there,‖ she
dealt a dose of reality:

109
 I was expecting that. I stayed in the
guesthouse, and I was like, I’d better
lock my door because you never
know who’s going to knock on it.
Maybe they want to have an orgy
here! But it wasn’t as wild as I
thought. I would go every day into
the hot tub after my shoot, and I was
kind of waiting. Let’s see, what’s
going to happen? Nothing!53

I’m sure the Stuff interviewer was so disappointed

with that answer. Someone at the Playboy Mansion
clearly dropped the ball when they didn’t teach this
foreigner how to answer questions like Pamela
Anderson.

One last piece of evidence that Hefner is not

sleeping with them all is a quote from his second
wife Kimberly Conrad. Conrad, who was featured
in the magazine, recounts how she began to date
Mr. Hefner:

You know I was there to do my

shoot, Conrad said, describing their
courtship. You know, six, seven
months later, he asked me out. He
was in a transition. He and his
girlfriend had broken up. So he
asked me out . . . and I declined a
couple of times. I wasn't sure. And
then finally we went out and had a
great time.54

110
She clearly didn’t sleep with him to get in the
magazine. She admits that she turned him down a
couple of times months after her work was done. It
wasn’t until months later that they even went on a
date.

One thing that everyone at the mansion knows is

that Playboy is fantasy. Hefner is playing a role.
When he’s not pretending to be the world’s greatest
bachelor and luckiest lover, he’s just a man.

Well, I should qualify that, he’s not just a man, he is

a great businessman. He is marketing the fantasy of
larger than life beauties and unlimited sex with no
consequences. If you still want to live in his fantasy
world then keep dreaming.

3. Hefner is a revolutionary

After examining several interviews with Hugh

Hefner I noticed that he has very craftily attempted
to carve out a place in history for himself by
portraying himself as the great sexual liberator of
the modern era. Some observers even try to credit
him with starting the sexual revolution. This I
believe is all part of his marketing strategy. Two
lines he has used over and over to help sell the
magazine are:

1. ―The 1950s were a very repressed time.‖

2. ―Playboy was rooted in the notion that nice
girls like sex too.‖ 55

111
Let’s breakdown the marketing genius of the
revolutionary Mr. Hefner here.

―The 1950s were a very repressed time.‖

His marketing angle is this: Repression is bad and if

you don’t consume his pornographic product you
are repressing yourself.

Of course the very word repression elicits thoughts

of dictators, tyrannical governments, and
censorship. No one likes that, so let yourself go and
buy his magazine. Deep down, you know you want
to, and you’re helping to defeat repression.

By the way, Hugh Hefner knows that repression is

not bad. In fact, he admits the most devastating
event of his life was when his soon-to-be first wife
had an affair on him.56 I’ll bet if she had
―repressed‖ her feelings and remained faithful that
would have been okay with him.

I’ll also bet the great sexual liberator has

―repressed‖ his feelings before too. He would have
had to, if he remained faithful to his marriage, as he
claims he did. He would also have to repress his
feelings in the future if he plans to be monogamous,
as he claims he would for the right girl.

112
 ―Playboy was rooted in the notion that nice girls
like sex too.‖

Here the marketing approach is that you don’t have

to feel guilty as a consumer, because the girls in his
magazine like being photographed nude for your
sexual pleasure. So from now on paying them to do
so will no longer be considered exploitative. (By
the way, I’ve never understood the argument that
pornography exploits women, in my eyes it is really
exploiting men.)

So, if you consume his product you’re not bad; in

fact, you’re good because you’re providing the
market that makes this new female liberation
possible. This is a real win-win-win situation. Men
win, women win, and Hugh Hefner wins!

The only way I could credit Mr. Hefner with being

the leader of the sexual revolution, is if we could
document that Playboy somehow led to the
invention of the birth control pill.

I suppose in one respect we can call Mr. Hefner a

revolutionary. He did open the door to
mainstreaming pornography in American culture
and we can’t deny that.

However, I’m still not sure how promoting more

solitary male masturbation is helping those ―nice
girls‖ who ―like sex too.‖ If anything, Playboy
magazine has been a setback for sex-loving women
everywhere.

113
Playboy and pornography in general, should be
viewed as a threat by women. Anything that
competes for the time, attention, money, and sexual
pleasure of your mate is a threat to all women and
their relationships.

―Sir, you’re a
man, you can’t
tell me that
you don’t like
that stuff.‖

Anytime I explain that Playboy isn’t what it seems,

young men will immediately declare that I must like
it.

Hey, what man doesn’t love beautiful women?

Though I probably would be more impressed with
Playboy’s product if the women were actually real.
The truth is these women don’t exist.
Unfortunately, I think some kids lacking carnal
knowledge really think these women are real.
114
I previously quoted a student as saying anyone
would, ―want to wake up to that.‖ I’m positive that
no one wakes up or goes to bed with women
looking like that unless they sleep with the actual
magazine.

Playboy’s product is a lot of smoke and mirrors.

I’m less impressed by these women and more
impressed by the: plastic surgeons, makeup artists,
hairdressers, photographers, lighting coordinators,
airbrush and Photoshop artists that make them so
visually appealing.

The magazine takes nice looking women and makes

their hair blonder, their skin tanner, their eyes bluer,
their lips glossier, their breasts bigger and their
cleavage deeper. It’s almost like a dream. And in
fact it is. Sure, the images are beautiful. But they
are far from real and never innocuous for people in
real relationships.

Just because you like something doesn’t make it

right. If you can justify partaking of something just
because you like it, then adultery would be okay.
And we know that nearly everyone agrees that it is
not.

Remember:
When the cameras aren’t rolling, Hugh
Hefner is a family man and a romantic
looking for a soul mate.

115
 ―Lesbians are
cool!‖

In a social studies class, it’s hard not to have the

subject of homosexuality come up once in awhile,
particularly with the gay marriage movement in this
country. It is one of the most controversial topics in
society. Females are typically more tolerant of
homosexuals than males are. However, I can’t
count the number of times I have heard a young
man declare his opposition to homosexuality and
then qualify his remarks with the observation that
lesbians are ―okay‖ or ―cool.‖

Let’s take this opportunity to examine this sexual

fantasy.

Why do guys like lesbians?

First off, let’s clarify the terminology here. I would

contend that guys don’t like lesbians at all. In fact,
the same young man that declared, ―Lesbians are
cool!‖ was the first to say ―yuck‖ when the class
116
viewed a news clip of two lesbians at the altar in a
gay wedding ceremony.

Lesbians are women who like women; they

typically don’t make much effort to appear visually
attractive to men. In fact, some aspire to look like
men. The lesbians on the news clip that inspired the
―yuck‖ remark had spiked hair and waist lines that
well exceeded their bust lines. And since they don’t
exist to please men, real lesbians certainly don’t
film their sexual encounters for confused young
men to watch.

What my student really means when he says

―Lesbians are cool,‖ is that he likes the thought of
girl-on-girl action. In fact, the pornographic fantasy
that he holds, and I suspect many other men hold, is
one of two shapely women with augmented breasts,
that have been made up to look very glamorous,
with lots of curly hair, make-up, and lingerie.

Here, then, is the appeal of the girl-on-girl fantasy.

First, it’s doubly appealing on a visual level.

Because men don’t find men attractive, to see a man
and a woman together would essentially produce
only 50 percent of the potential pleasure that could
be derived from a given fantasy. Therefore,
replacing the man with a woman produces a visual
double whammy. If one gorgeous girl is exciting,
then two is even better.

117
Another appeal of the girl-on-girl fantasy is that the
women are acting or behaving in a sexually
aggressive manner. For example, think about how
many movies or TV shows insert scenes of a
woman seducing a man.

I suspect that men love the idea of a sexually

aggressive woman for a couple of reasons. One, if
she is so turned on that she is trying to arouse him,
then he doesn’t have to do any work. Two, the
sexually aggressive woman is an exciting fantasy
for men because it is so far removed from reality.

Men are the natural sexual aggressors; anytime a

woman assumes the role of doing the work of
arousal, this is very appealing to the naturally lazy
male. Remember, in the section on pornography I
mentioned that one reason men are attracted to
pornography is laziness-they don’t have to think or
work.

So, the girl-on-girl scenario has a double dose of the

two key ingredients of all male sexual fantasy:
visual beauty and female sexual aggression for male
arousal.

Of course, in the male fantasy, the women are not

lesbians at all. Ultimately, the entire event is not
about the sexual pleasure of the women, but about
the sexual arousal of the man. Once they have
succeeded in turning on the male, he will want to
have sex with them, which is really of no interest to
a true lesbian.

118
As you can see, the so-called ―lesbian fantasy‖ is
anything but. In reality, it is the most male-
centered, superficial, heterosexual fantasy there is.

So next time some foolish young man announces

that he likes lesbians, remind him how mistaken he
really is.

Don’t confuse fantasy with inspiration.

Fantasies are a real problem for a lot of men. Many
men mistakenly confuse sexual fantasy with
inspiration. Sometimes you get a good idea that
should be acted on, this is what we would call
inspiration. Sexual fantasies are never good ideas
so unlike inspiration they should never be acted
upon.

Let's put male fantasy in perspective.

There used to be a sexual advice show on MTV

many years ago called Loveline. There would
always be young men on the show who wanted to
have a ―threesome.‖ Comedian and co-host of the
show Adam Corolla always retorted, ―How many
penises do you have?‖

His point is that sex is really just about two people:

a man and a woman. There is really nothing for a
third person to do and a man can’t satisfy two
women at the same time anyway.

119
―Threesome‖ fantasies are just that, fantasy. Acting
this out would be impractical and a let down. Also,
any girl that would agree to such a thing must really
have no self-respect and likely isn’t good wife and
mother material anyway. Not to mention, such an
arrangement would be impossible if you subscribe
to the notion that sex is for married people.

So how should men handle these fantasies?

Think of sexual fantasy as fuel. Fantasy is the fuel

that runs the male sexual engine. You won’t have a
successful sexual relationship without it. So keep
some fuel on hand but keep it where it belongs: in
your head.

Many people and popular magazines propose that

fantasies should be explored. One article suggests
that talking about your sexual fantasies with your
mate is a great way to spice up your sex life.57 I
believe that this is a very bad idea.

The only point of talking about fantasy would be to

implicitly make suggestions about stuff you think
you’d like to see or do. Suggesting or acting out
fantasy will surely lead to great disappointment.
The reason for this is that the fantasy is always
better than reality. Don’t fall into the trap of
thinking that your fantasy if acted upon will be
greater than the fantasy itself.

This concept was accurately on display in an

episode of The King of Queens. The show’s star,

120
Doug Heffernan, wanted to buy a stripper pole for
his wife to entertain him. In the end, he regrets it as
he realizes she can’t match in reality what he had
been imagining in his mind.

By the way, young men should also know that most

respectable women aren’t willing to do the stuff
men think is so great anyway, so don’t bother
asking.

Why do the media promote these fantasies

so much?
Again, the answer is simple: It’s good for business.
However, do not mistake all the misleading talk for
reality.

Beth Ostrosky, Howard Stern’s second wife,

confirms this. Howard loves to engage in perverted
and foul talk on the radio all day. However, Beth
tells us that’s not the real Howard. She says:

I’ve made a conscious decision not

to listen to his broadcast. I know my
man is the kind, sweet one who
walks in the door at the end of the
day-not the one on the radio.58

121
 Remember:
Sexual thoughts occur naturally, which is
another reason you don’t need
pornography.

Sexual thoughts are the fuel for the male

sexual engine.

Use your fuel to generate sufficient

sexual arousal for marital copulation.

The fantasy will always be better than

reality; therefore, there is no sense in
discussing, proposing, or acting out a
fantasy.

Male lesbian fantasies are in reality

anything but.

122
 ―People
aren’t born
gay!‖

Are people born gay? I think most people do

believe that gay people are born that way. For
some, it is hard to accept this idea because it
contradicts their religious beliefs. I’ve had students
tell me, ―God wouldn’t create gay people.‖

Is homosexuality a case of nature, nurture, or

choice? Homosexuals will often say, ―Do you think
I would choose to be gay and have all of the
problems that come with it?‖ To which I would
answer, ―No.‖ Who would choose such
difficulties? Why would anyone willingly bring so
much disapproval on themselves?

Many look to science to answer these questions.

Although many scientific studies shed some light on
this subject, they are really irrelevant to our point.
For the sake of argument, let’s concede that
homosexuals are born that way.

123
If gays are born that way, then what’s wrong with
homosexuality?

I have two objections to homosexuality. First,

homosexuality is a huge obstacle if your life’s
mission is to marry and procreate. Second,
embracing homosexuality is a futile attempt at
satisfying insatiable sexual appetites.

If we can say that people who have same-sex

attraction are justified in following their sexual
compass, then how do we make the case for male
heterosexual monogamy?

I don’t know of any heterosexual male that is born

with monogamous tendencies. All men, before and
after marriage, still see other woman they are
attracted to. Attraction to other women does not
end on your wedding day-remember that men are
hunters. If it were that easy to turn off your sexual
urges, I believe people would. As a result, there
would be no cheating, no adultery, and no broken
homes. In fact, the world would be a wonderful
place with every family led by a committed mother
and father.

I realize the idea that married men still want other

women offends many females. Once, when making
this point to some females, I got a lot of resistance
and was told I was wrong. A friend of mine came
to my defense and pointed out that going back
thousands of years a commandment was given to
not commit adultery. If men were naturally

124
monogamous, no such commandment would have
been given.

Therefore, if heterosexual men can’t satisfy their

sexual appetites through heterosexual relationships,
can we project that homosexual males cannot
satisfy their lustful desires through homosexual
relations? I believe we can. Then why indulge
your same-sex attraction if it cannot bring sexual
satisfaction?

I once read a book where the author was speaking

on the subject of the male sexual appetite. In an
effort to explain the folly behind adultery, he
pointed out that, beyond immediate pleasure,
cheating would never bring satisfaction or relief
from your sexual lusts. He went on to point out that
if having an affair did actually satisfy your appetite
for say a month or a year, you could conceivable
make a case for adultery.59

The main idea here is that sexual appetites cannot

be satisfied; therefore pursuing your sexual
orientation, be it towards the same sex, or for
straight men towards extra-marital sex, is truly a
waste of time and effort.

There are many good men and women out there

who have families and remain faithful in spite of
sexual temptations and orientation. The reason they
do not indulge themselves is because their
relationships with spouse and children are not worth
losing over sexual flings and momentary pleasures.

125
The same idea can be applied to homosexual
sexuality. I believe the family bonds one could
create by denying one’s homosexual urges and
embracing the traditional nuclear family would be
worth much more than just pursuing sexual
relations with someone you think you want.

Remember that family life can be satisfying, while

sexual relationships cannot. Gays are not the only
people that struggle with sexual urges and desires,
straight people do too. However, people choose
marriage and procreation because it provides a more
satisfying existence than the futile attempt of trying
to satisfy insatiable sexual appetites.

Remember:
Lesson
Gay people probably are 18
born that way. So
what? They can still marry and enjoy
procreation.
Gays are IAlready
believe thatAllowed
would be more
to
satisfying than a life devoted to your sexual
Marry
orientation.

126
 ―If two people
love each other
then they
should be able
to get married.‖

Some will say that marriage is about two people

who love each other; you have to marry the one you
love.

Many times students tell me that when two people

love each other, there is nothing you can do about it.
I disagree with that notion too.

First, I do not believe in the concept of falling in

love. I will acknowledge that attraction, lust, or
infatuation could result from minimal exposure or
contact. But love doesn’t just happen.

If you believe that people just fall in love, then you

have to believe that people fall out of love. If
people can fall out of love, then you would have to
be okay with the idea that your spouse may come
home one day and tell you that they don’t love you
anymore. They may want to leave you for someone
else. You would have to be okay with that because,
just as they once fell in love with you, they have
now fallen in love with someone else-as if this is
something out of their control.

127
If you’re not okay with that idea, then you, like me,
must believe that love is an action. You choose
when, where, and to whom you will give it, as well
as from whom you’ll receive it. Like most actions,
it only happens if you allow it happen. Love is a
choice, not a destiny.

Therefore a homosexual can choose to not love

someone of the same sex. And they can also choose
to love someone of the opposite sex.

I have one additional point on love and marriage.

Throughout history, and in various cultures, people
never married for love as most marriages were
arranged. These families succeeded because people
knew that marriage was about children and survival,
not about romantic love. I do not believe, however,
that these marriages were miserable. As people
experience life together and build families, a
genuine love is formed.

Sexual orientation may not be a choice, but who

you decide to ―love‖ is.

What is the purpose of marriage?

People who marry do so to participate in the
procreative process and partake of the joys that
children and family bring. When a man finds a
woman he wants to marry, he is making the
statement that she is worthy of procreation and there
should be more people like her. Procreation allows

128
people to declare that in this world, there should be
more people like their partner. If you don’t feel that
way about someone, don’t marry them and don’t
have sex with them.

However, the fundamental reason for marriage is

children. Every child’s genetic composition is 50
percent from the mother and 50 percent from the
father, thus, children are shared property. Marriage
allows a legal arrangement to recognize dual
ownership of the children. If humans reproduced
asexually there would be no need for marriage.

To me, this is the main reason we don’t need

homosexual marriage. Since gay relationships do
not produce offspring, there is really no purpose for
it. No legal arrangement is required for someone to
declare his or her love for someone else.

Remember:
Love is a choice not a destiny. Marriage
has nothing to do with recognizing love
and everything to do with recognizing
dual ownership of the children that will
be produced.

129
 ―My mother
would kill me if
I told her I was
gay!‖

During a discussion on gay marriage, I heard many

students say that their parents would be very
disapproving of the idea that their child was gay.
On the contrary, I think most parents would be very
understanding and compassionate if a child told
them they were struggling with that issue.

What these kids really mean is that if they told their

parents they were going to embrace their
homosexuality, then their parents would be upset.

This is understandable. Telling your parents you’re

going to embrace your homosexuality is, in some
ways, like a death in the family. Just as a young
person’s death robs their loved ones of all their
hopes for the future, embracing homosexuality also
robs your loved ones of all their hopes for the
future-mainly the prospect of grandkids, cousins,
nieces and nephews.
130
Some will claim that gay couples can still have
families through adoption.

The problem with gay couples starting families

through adoption is that such a scenario is not fair to
the child. A child deserves a mother and a father-
ideally their own mother and father. Not two dads
or two moms raising someone else’s child.

I recently read an article about a gay male couple

that adopted a son. Sadly, when Mother’s Day
came around, this little boy asked his two dads
about his lack of a mother. Their response was, ―If
you had a mommy, then you wouldn’t have two
daddies, is that what you want?‖ Instead of hurting
their feelings and answering ―yes,‖ the child replied
that he wants ―two daddies and a mommy.‖60

(That kid is good. With answers like that, he should

consider a career in politics.)

I guess you can fool a child into believing two

daddies is normal, but even a five-year-old can tell
when something’s missing.

131
 What makes a family?

No matter how much society tries to redefine the

family, when it comes right down to it, kids want
their mom and their dad to raise them in a loving
home.

One of the gay fathers I just mentioned made the

following claim, ―Love makes a family, not biology
or gender.‖61

I think he’s 0 for 3 in his observation. Define

―family‖ how you wish, but gender and biology
make nuclear family ties that never break.

Let’s look at some examples. First would be the

case of adoptions. Adopted kids, even when given
a loving mother, father, and family life, often still
seek out their birth mom or dad. The children that
grow up and don’t search for their biological
parents still have to wonder about them regularly.

Why is this?

Obviously, these kids want to know about their

genetic background and ethnic heritage. So even
when raised under the best of conditions, adopted
kids are still curious about their biological parents.
Biology does create families. And because we
don’t reproduce asexually there is not a person alive
who doesn’t have a female mother and male father,
thus gender is also a necessary ingredient to family
formation.

132
For an example of these powerful genetic links,
let’s look at some cases of children from sperm
donors. With Internet technology, many kids who
did not know their genetic families can now satisfy
some of their curiosities by connecting with their
half siblings and fathers that are scattered around
the country.

One sperm-donor father recounts his experience

when he contacted some of his kids:

Several years after my divorce, I

found the Donor Sibling Registry, a
website where donor offspring can
find their half siblings and,
sometimes, their donors. Rachael,
one of the moms, had listed her two
kids, Aaron and Leah, under my
donor number. When I saw their
names and their ages — 6 and 3 at
the time — I got very weepy. Oh my
God, these were my kids! Within
hours, we were talking on the phone.
Rachael asked, "Is it okay if they call
you Dad? Would you prefer they call
you Donor?" I was fine with Dad,
and that's what they called me when
Rachael brought them out to see me
from Massachusetts. Today I have
relationships with four of my
children.62

133
Again, biological family ties never break and are
never forgotten. Biology does matters when it
comes to family.

Lastly, love is not actually a required ingredient to

make a family. Some people who barely know each
other have sex and reproduce. In fact, I know an
acquaintance whose parents were young when they
had sex out of wedlock and created him. He hates
his parents for how their shortsighted selfishness
robbed him of a real nuclear family. Last time I
checked, he was no longer speaking to his mother or
father. There is no love in that family. But because
of biology and gender, his mother is still his mother
and his father is still his father. And it all happened
without love.

To prove my point, I would challenge this gay

couple to produce offspring of their own with just
their love. I’ll bet they can’t do it, because biology
and gender do in fact make families; love, by itself,
does not.

So while love is a nice thing to have in a family,

biology creates moms, dads, and genetic
connections that cannot be broken, regardless of
who raises the child.

134
 Remember:
Although love enriches family life,
love doesn’t make families, biology
and gender do.

135
 ―There is no
God!‖

There is no debate more worthless than whether or

not God exists. Yet, courting controversy, the
media love this debate. They line up noted religious
leaders to argue God’s existence with noted atheists.
In just the last few years, I can think of three such
debates: Kirk Cameron (from the television show
Growing Pains) vs. the Rational Response Squad on
Nightline; Rick Warren, author of The Purpose
Driven Life, vs. Sam Harris, a best selling atheist
author; or Al Sharpton vs. Christopher Hitchens
another best-selling atheist author.

What do these debates accomplish? I think nothing

other than to affirm people’s already existing
beliefs.

Why can’t believers and atheists just get along?

I think that the believers would like to find converts

to their belief system so that others can find joy in
hope. They hope that this life has meaning or
purpose.

136
Of course, much of their hope is based on a belief in
a continued existence beyond death.

On more than one occasion I have heard it said that

there would be no religion if there were no death.
The implication is that people’s fear of death leads
them to fantasize about stuff that we just can’t see,
like God and the afterlife. I think that observation
is way off. Believers don’t fear death as much as
they fear a pointless life. Religion and a belief in
God give one hope that life actually means
something.

On the other hand, many atheists are also seeking

converts. Their mission is not to eliminate others’
hope, but to liberate others from their constant
struggle to find meaning in this life. I think that we
can all agree that finding meaning in life is a great
struggle. According to the atheist, if this life is all
there is, then we can stop wrestling with the
meaning or purpose of life and stop asking the big
question of ―Why?‖

Ultimately, this debate is a question of hope vs.

liberation. I suspect that whichever of these two
concepts you value most will determine which
camp you fall in.

If I were selected to judge one of these debates, I

would declare them to be a draw because both sides
are right. No matter which side makes the most
compelling points, perception is reality.

137
If you believe God or a force greater than you runs
the world and your life, then for you it’s true and
you will act accordingly. On the other hand, if one
refuses to recognize or submit to a higher authority,
then for those atheists there is nothing greater than
themselves.

The atheist believes that science explains the

universe. I think most believers can accept this
point of view. Science has explained so much about
our universe. We should thank the scientists for all
the wonderful discoveries and contributions they
have made to mankind.

But the believer says, ―I still have questions beyond

the physical realm.‖ Bill Nunan, a scientist, wrote
an essay on his faith for NPR. As a scientist with a
doctorate in physics, he is still wrestling with that
big question of ―Why?‖ He says:

Physics does not explain the

difference between sound waves and
a song, or the difference between sex
and love. Physics explains my body,
but not my soul.63

He concludes that although science explains a lot, it

doesn’t answer everything and there are still going
to be unanswered questions.

Give them some time, Bill, and they will probably

try to explain your soul.

138
Some scientists have already tried to explain why
humans believe in God. They got out their MRI
machines and provided explanations about
chemicals and neurons in the brain. A couple of
researchers concluded that people believe in God
because they are biologically programmed to do
so.64 To that my response would be: Why?

If it is true that we are biologically programmed to

believe in God, then why is that? No matter how
many questions science claims to answer there will
always be one more: Why?

So, if you refuse to continue the struggle to find

meaning and answers in life then enjoy your
liberation-and likely depression-in the atheists’
camp.

But, if you’re down for the struggle and still believe

that there is an explanation for all the unresolved
questions of life, then relish your hope in the
believers’ camp.

Most people do believe in purpose and meaning,

which is why 90 percent of the population claims to
have a belief in God.65 Of course, they do want
answers, but they know we won’t get them all here
on this earth. There are many things we just can’t
know and I think that’s good. If we truly had all the
answers, explanations, and solutions, then the game
of life would essentially be over. I don’t think we
are ready for that just yet.

139
God vs. Science

This debate is almost as irritating as the existence of

God debate. First, it’s hard to talk about God
because the very word or concept means different
things to different people. Some people think He
micromanages the universe, while others see Him
only as a creator. Still, others see God as only a
name for a higher power than us.

(There is indisputably a higher power than human

beings as I have yet to see one human conquer
death. I know that some of you are saying that
Jesus conquered death, but if you believe that, you
also believe he was more than human, so that still
makes the statement true.)

Regardless of how you view Him, there is no

evidence that He has done anything to contradict
science. Most of this debate is based on the idea that
scientific findings have contradicted the Bible.

If science has proven the Bible inaccurate, then let’s

stop declaring that there is an ongoing debate
between God and science and start calling it
―Science vs. a Literal Interpretation of the Bible.‖

Creationism vs. Evolution

Whenever we talk about the Scopes Monkey Trial

of the 1920s, it inflames passions in a classroom
just like society at large. Inevitably, in my
classroom someone will say, ―I didn’t come from a

140
monkey.‖ A lot of people refuse to believe that we
came from a monkey or apes or chimps.

Most people don’t know that evolution doesn’t

claim that we came from apes or chimps. It does
say that we share a common ancestor. Who or what
that is we don’t really know. So the creationism vs.
evolution debate will continue.

The real lesson of this discussion is that anyone

who claims to know how something happened six
thousand, six billion or 60 billion years ago should
be treated with skepticism.

Remember:
Science can explain your body but not
your soul.

141
 ―Religion is
stupid!‖

Although I try to dissuade people from sharing

religious views in the classroom, kids are kids and
the subject often comes up, especially when
homosexuality or abortion are mentioned. To many
kids, and many adults in our country,
homosexuality is wrong ―because the Bible says.‖
It’s kind of hard to have a legitimate topical
discussion when that is the only view expressed.
Nevertheless, on one occasion I had a girl pipe up to
declare, ―Religion is stupid.‖ I suspect that many
in the general population agree with her statement.

Often on Sunday morning I will turn on the local

news, as I do every other day of the week, and the
broadcast is the same old stuff: crime, weather, and
sports. However, I always lament that there is one
thing different about the Sunday news broadcast: no
traffic reports-at least not related to congestion on
the roads. Social scientists and researchers always
talk about how religious the United States is
compared to Europe, but when I’m out on Sunday
morning, I don’t see it. I drive freely to my

142
destination without any of the delays that I find on
my normal weekday commute to work.

If America is so religious, how come people don’t

go to church?

I think the answer to the question is that most

people don’t understand religion. One argument
against religion that I hear is that we don’t need to
go to a church building to have a relationship with
God. I agree with this premise; however, church
isn’t about you and God. You can talk to God in
your own home if you wish and would likely have
more privacy than at church.

What is the purpose of religion?

A few years back, a Jewish rabbi attempted to make

the case for religion in a book titled: Who Needs
God? In his book, Rabbi Kushner explains the
purpose of religion:

The word ―religion‖ comes from the

same Latin root as the word
―ligament.‖ It means, ―to bind.‖
What is does best is bind us to the
people around us. Religion is not
only a set of statements about God,
religion is also a community, the
family through which we learn what
it means to be human, and by which
we are reinforced in our efforts to do
what we believe is right.66

143
Rabbi Kushner is saying that at its most
fundamental level, religion isn’t to put people in
touch with God, but to put people in touch with
people.67 Religion helps us overcome loneliness
and isolation while at the same time reinforcing our
moral belief system.

Take a look at the world around us. There are many

activities that are legal and acceptable in the secular
world that I personally find unnecessary and
unhealthy: gambling, drinking, smoking,
fornication, and adultery to name a few. Notice that
the aforementioned activities are activities that
people engage in to connect with other people.
Where, if not to church, do conscientious people go
to overcome isolation?

A good church provides a community where the

rules are different. A community where it’s not
acceptable to lie, cheat, abuse yourself, or harm
others. It should be a community where the rules
are tougher, but the relationships are more fulfilling.

Whereas the world offers ways to connect to other

people, religion offers a more salubrious way. In
2003, Newsweek published some research in an
article on faith and healing. The results showed that
people who embrace religion live longer and are
more likely to live well. See the follow chart:

144
 Life Expectancy

Attendance Death Age

No church 75
Less than weekly 80
Once per week 82
More than weekly 8368

The same study also showed that religious people

were less depressed, more likely to quit smoking
and drinking, as well as exercise more.69

I’m not usually a proponent of statistics, but studies

and ample anecdotal evidence conclude that religion
provides people a reason to live and live well.
That’s good stuff.

How to choose a church?

It is not the purpose of this book to suggest specific
religions, but I do feel that many people have
rejected religion because they don’t feel its utility.
There are many churches where you go, you listen,
and you leave. I can see why people would not be
interested in getting up early on a weekend to do
that.

I have alluded to what a church should do earlier in

this section. For more specific guidelines, see if a
church is worthy by determining if it requires
service, sacrifice, and self-improvement.

145
Service

Pay attention to what is required of you if and when

you join. Do they permit you to serve in the
functions of the church? Do they provide
opportunities to serve outside of the regular
services?

I once had a co-worker who was looking for a

church to attend. She told me that she was looking
for a church with inspirational sermons that would
uplift her and make her feel good. Although those
are nice, I believe that she has the wrong attitude.
She views church as a place to take and receive
from others. Truly happy churchgoers view church
as a place to share and give of themselves to others.

Once 60 minutes did a piece on children who lost

parents in the 9/11 attacks. Some of these kids
formed a group to help support each other in their
loss. One teenage girl shared a lessoned she learned
after 9/11:

After 9/11 happened, I was lying

with my sister – I remember telling
her, 'I’m so sad. How, how, how am
I gonna make myself happy?' And I
figured it out. It’s by making other
people happy-other people around
you. It’s by doing good deeds for
other people. That’s how—that’s
what makes me happy.70

146
She’s right that serving other people does make us
happy. It’s great to teach about serving your fellow
man, but much more rewarding to actually do it. A
church that includes service opportunities will be
able to claim it practices what it preaches.

Sacrifice

A lot of people don’t want religion for this purpose

alone. ―It’s too hard…I don’t have time…I can’t
afford to give monetarily or God doesn’t need my
money,‖ they say.

Many churches today cater to this mentality. They

try and make it easier on their members by
requiring as little as possible from them.

Television church services are so easy to attend you

don’t have to leave your living room. Convenient
though that may be, that kind of religion really
defeats the purpose of religion.

A pastor from Virginia wrote a piece in the

Washington Post where he suggested that the key to
getting more men involved in church is, ―not to ask
less of them and make them more comfortable-it’s
to ask more of them and maybe even make them
uncomfortable.‖71

Although he is correct about men, this is true for all

people. People feel good about themselves when
they sacrifice for others and contribute to the greater
good.

147
Self-Improvement

I believe some people, in an effort to glorify God,

end up demeaning man. They will continually
reference man’s sinful nature and tell you, that
because of your sinful nature, you need God.

It’s true that everyone commits sin and everyone

can benefit from God’s influence in his or her life.
Don’t, however, let the man-as-sinner concept
justify wrong behavior and hold you back from
being the best you can be.

You may have heard the saying ―Imitation is the

sincerest form of flattery.‖ If you want to glorify
God, you will do your best to live His will, do what
is right, and become like Him. The more righteous
we live our lives, the more we glorify God and the
happier we will be.

The very popular country singer Shania Twain was

attracted to her faith in part because it challenged
her to live a better life and improve herself. The
following is a quote from an interview she did with
Reader’s Digest in January of 2005:

RD: You practice the Sant Mat

religion, which, according to what
I’ve read calls for vegetarianism and
daily meditation, strict avoidance of
premarital sex, alcohol and drugs.
What appealed to you about Sant
Mat?

148
 Twain: The basic principles are no
different from anything that respects
the Ten Commandments. Good
principles about living a healthy,
positive life…I was always in search
of self-improvement. That’s what
Sant Mat does for me.72

If you find a church that offers opportunities for

service, requires sacrifice, and a means to improve
yourself, then you will be on your way to a more
rewarding and happier life.

Religion is not about being told what to do. Good

religion gives you identity, provides community and
a framework through which to view and endure
life’s vicissitudes. Making big decisions in one’s
life-like who to marry for example-will be much
easier if you know who you are and what you are
about.

Lastly, besides helping people to live individually

happier lives, religion is a keystone to happier
marriage and family life. One study shows that
fathers and mothers that are actively religious have
happier marriages, spend more time with their
children, and are more likely to get and stay
married.73

Remember:
Religion is a key ingredient to being
healthy and happy.

149
 ―Boys are
stupid!‖

Even though I am a male, I actually agree with this

statement. Often girls who are having relationship
problems will tell me about their frustration with
boys. I tell them that it is true boys are stupid and
that they shouldn’t date them.

―Who are we supposed to date then,‖ they ask.

My response is always, ―Girls and boys shouldn’t

date at all. When you are women, then begin to
date, and you can date men.‖

For many young people, that’s still not clear enough

because they don’t know how to define manhood
and womanhood. I’ll help out here and provide a
simple definition: A man or a woman is a person
capable of supporting himself or herself.

150
How much more mature and knowledgeable about
life will you be if you are out of mom’s house and
earning your own way in the world?

On a similar note, many women will claim that

there are grown men who are stupid, too. I would
also have to agree with this in some cases. But here,
I will shift some of that blame to women
themselves.

How can women be responsible for male stupidity?

This, also, can be explained by economics: supply
and demand.

Most men if they care about a woman will live up to

the standards set by the woman. If women accept
men who make poor choices and accomplish
nothing, they create a market for underachievers.
As is true in all free market systems, supply and
demand will reach equilibrium.

So if women willingly lower the bar and date

immature men, then some men will never improve
themselves and will remain bums. Supply will meet
demand.

Women should know that they’re in control and that

they have the power. Men will meet the bar if
women set it high or low.
Remember:
Boys are stupid so don’t date them. Boys
and menbefore
will you getstupid
act as married
as you let
them.
151
 ―You should live together
before you get married
to make sure your
relationship will work.‖

One thing many people don’t know is that people

who live together before marriage have a greater
chance for divorce than people who don’t.

Why is this?

If pretending you’re married will give you greater

insight into the person you think you want to marry,
then living together should provide all the
information necessary to make the right decision.

Statistically, however, we see a higher rate of

divorce for cohabitating couples than those that did
not live together before marriage.74

152
To be clear, I’m not suggesting that cohabitation
leads to divorce; it is not the cause, but there is a
correlation.

How does living together lead to divorce?

Marriage experts believe that the difference

between those that live together before marriage
and those that don’t, really comes down to the
mind-set of the participants.

Noted marriage counselor Dr. Willard Harely

contrasts marriage mentality with the mentality of
those who choose to live together:

Couples that live together before

marriage get into the habit of
following their month-to-month
rental agreement (where you can
leave at the end of the month). In
fact, they often decide to marry, not
because they are willing to make a
lifetime commitment to each other,
but because the arrangement has
worked out so well that they can't
imagine breaking their lease, so to
speak. They say the words of the
marital agreement, but they still have
the terms of their (month-to-month)
rental agreement in mind.

Couples who have not lived together

before marriage, on the other hand,

153
 have not lived under the terms of the
month-to-month rental agreement.
They begin their relationship
assuming that they are in this thing
for life, and all their habits usually
reflect that commitment.75

Living together before marriage does not help

marriages. Instead, it fosters casual views towards
commitments and relationships that weaken the
important institute of marriage.

The same people that believe cohabitation is

beneficial are likely the same people that say you
should sleep together before marriage to see if the
sex is good.

Remember, as we discussed earlier in the book,

your first sexual encounter and likely many more
after that may not be so good. So how can you
sleep with someone and determine whether the sex
is worth staying for?

In most people’s cases, after much practice and

communication they have learned to have good sex,
but they would never have gotten to that point if
they split up after one or even a few bad sexual
encounters.

When you have proven that your relationship is one

of stability, respect, and commitment then you can
move on to marriage. Living together and

154
experimenting with sex will be of little use in
choosing a good marriage partner.

Remember:
Living together doesn’t help your
future marriage. Instead, it fosters
casual views toward sex and
commitment.

155
 ―I’m going to be divorced
because everyone in my
family is divorced.‖

I sure was sorry to hear a student tell me this. But

she really wasn’t kidding. Her aunts, grandparents,
and parents were all divorced. She really believes
that it’s part of relationships and just something
people do. To her, no relationship is really long
term.

The truth is that some people’s marriages have a

great chance of surviving. Researchers at Rutgers
University have shown that having certain key
factors in your favor can reduce your chances of
becoming a divorce statistic.

156
These factors include the following:

Having a middle class income of $50,000.

Having a baby after marriage.
Marrying over the age of 25.
Having your own family of origin intact
(vs. divorced parents).
Having some religious affiliation.
Have completed some college.76

The researchers summarized their findings this way:

So if you are a reasonably well-

educated person with a decent
income, come from an intact family,
are religious, and marry after the age
of twenty-five without having a baby
first, your chances of divorce are
very low indeed.77

There are two important things to recognize from

this information. First, except for your parents’
marital status, every factor is in your control.
Second, notice that following the life plan as I have
established here: education/career, then marriage,
then sex, and then children, will place you out of the
risky categories for divorce.

Remember:
Following the guidance in this book will
reduce your risk of ending up divorced.

157
 Conclusion

―You have the

perfect little
family.‖

A couple of years ago, a student talked me into

allowing my wife to show off our new baby to the
class. After my wife and baby left, one student
remarked ―Sir, you have the perfect little family.‖
Although my life is filled with as many stresses and
problems as the next guy, in the area of family, my
life is very good.

I spent some time earlier talking about the

importance of the nuclear family because so many
of my students don’t have one.

I hear their comments and often their pain when

they talk about how their parents have let them
down. You can’t always fix your parents’ mistakes,
but you certainly can decide now not to repeat them.

158
We’ve mapped out the course for success and
happiness, now it’s up to you to implement it.

You, too, can have the perfect little family if you

adhere to the counsels outlined in this book.

Let’s recap some key points:

Recognize that you will marry and have

children someday.
Plan accordingly to make sure these events
happen in the proper order and on your
terms.
Vices like drinking, drugs, and out-of-
wedlock sex are deviations and distractions
that will place you in the company of people
who aren’t focused on the worthy life goals
of education, marriage, and family.
The best way to ensure that you’ll have a
strong nuclear family is to save sex for after
marriage. A truly good marriage prospect
understands the concept of delayed
gratification-denying current wants for
something better later.
Don’t date until you are an adult. Teenage
relationships are trouble waiting to happen.
Do not marry solely for love. I believe you
can think you love someone who would be
an unfit parent. Ask yourself if you would
want your potential spouse to be your
mother or father? If the answer is no, then
don’t marry that person, it’s not fair to your
children.

159
For men, once you’re married, put your wife
first. Sex is your opportunity to serve your
wife. Remember pornography and sexual
experimentation have nothing to do with real
sex.
Have children, and when you do you’ll
realize that you never really understood love
until they came along.
Reread this book often if you need strength
to resist the temptations of this world.

160
 Glossary

All definitions have been referenced from:

http://www.merriam-webster.com
Definitions have been summarized by the author.

Introduction
Augment (and p.117)-to increase or make bigger
Broach - to open up a subject for discussion
Empirical - based on observation or experience

Ironically (p.13) - a difference between the actual

result of events and the normal or expected result
Apex (p.15) – the highest point
Pithy (p.15) – short but meaningful
Elusive (p.18) – hard to grasp or obtain
Subjective (p.21) - affected by personal views,
experience, or background
Acrophobia (p.23) – fear of heights
Fatalistic (p. 24) - belief that events are fixed in
advance and humans can’t change them
Pejoratively (p. 25) – to put down or belittle
Palatable (p.26) – acceptable to the mind or taste
Vacuous (p27) – empty or lacking in ideas or
content
Olfactory (p.29) – relating to the sense of smell
Ephemeral (p.31) – lasting a very short time
Impede (p.32) – to slow the progress of
Ubiquitous (p.33) - all over the place or everywhere
Aphrodisiac (p.40) – an agent that arouses sexual
desire
Tactile (p.42) – of or related to the sense of touch
Caveat (p.45) – warning or caution

161
Fortitude (p.46) – strength, backbone, determination
Aural (p.51) – relating to the sense of hearing or ear
Innate (p. 53) – an essential part of you that you’re
born with
Philanderer (p. 62) – said of a man who has casual
or illicit sex with a woman
Insatiable (p. 63 and 124) – incapable of being
satisfied
Provident (p.64)-preparing for the future
Succinct (p. 65) – a precise expression without
wasted words or concise
Fidelity (p. 68) – state of being faithful
Double entendre (p. 71) - a word or expression
capable of two interpretations with one usually
risqué
Erogenous (p.72) – sexually sensitive or producing
sexual excitement
Carnal (p. 73) – relating to the body or relating to
lower bodily pleasures and appetites
Circumvent (p. 80) – to get around or go around, to
avoid
Nascent (p. 82) – recent or new
Delineate (p.85) – to outline with detail or accuracy
Copulation (p.86 and p.122) – sexual intercourse
Brothel (p.88) – house of prostitution
Consummate (p.91) – finish or complete or make a
marriage official through intercourse
Novice (p.93) – beginner
Vicarious (p.96) – performed by one person for the
benefit of another
Adage (p.97) – a saying
Sophistry (p.99) - subtly deceptive reasoning or
argumentation

162
Myriad (p. 100) – a great number
Nadir (p. 100) – the lowest point
Perpetuate (p. 104) – continuing forever
Charade (p. 104) – deceptive act
Epilogue (p. 105) – the concluding section of a
work
Hedonistic (p. 100) – doctrine that pleasure or
happiness is the sole good in life
Repress (p. 111) – to prevent the natural or normal
expression of something
Exploit (p. 113) – to take unfair advantage of
Innocuous (p. 115) – harmless
Futile (p. 126) – useless or serving no purpose
Dissuade (p. 142) – to advise against
Salubrious (p. 144) – promoting health or well
being, healthy
Demean (p. 148) – to lower in status, character or
reputation
Vicissitudes (p. 149) – a hardship in life beyond
one’s control
Equilibrium (p. 151) – a state of balance between
opposing forces or balance

163
 End Notes
1
Bowden, Bobby. ―Always one from the quipper‖ USA
Today.
http://www.usatoday.com/printedition/sports/20091202/c2bow
den2_st.art.htm (accessed December 5, 2009)
2
Wetzstein, Cheryl. ―Youths fear decay of family‖ The
Washington Times, April 27, 2007.
3
Jayson, Sharon. ―Generation Y’s goal? Wealth and
fame‖.USATODAY.com.
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2007-01-09-gen-y-
cover_x.htm (accessed January 10, 2007).
4
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/vice (accessed
August 15, 2008).
5
Ishkur. ―Tattoos‖. Ishkur.com
http://www.ishkur.com/editorials/tattoos.php (accessed August
15, 2008).
6
Dobson, James. Life on the Edge.Dallas, Texas. Word
Publishing, 1995.
7
Wolf, Naomi. ―The Porn Myth‖. nymag.com.
http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/trends/n_9437/ (accessed
July 22, 2006).
8
Baram, Marcus. ―Brinkley Forgives Husband’s Ex-Mistress‖
abcnews.go.com.
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/story?id=5299820&pag
e=1 (accessed July 3, 2008).
9
Ibid.
10
Ibid.
11
Ibid.
12
Greve, Frank. ―Viagra was supposed to change the world.
Did it?‖ McClatchy Newspapers.
http://www.mcclatchydc.com/goodnews/story/16142.html
(accessed May 13, 2007).
13
De Boer, Bonita. ―Are You Ready for Sex?‖. Avert.org.
http://www.avert.org/sex.htm (accessed October 21, 2006).
14
Stanley, Colleen. ―Where does your sales team stand on
marshmallow issue? Grab it and run?‖.Memphis Business
Journal.
http://memphis.bizjournals.com/memphis/stories/2008/08/11/s
mallb4.html?jst=pn_pn_lk (accessed August 16, 2008).

164
15
Finger, Reginald, Tonya Thelen, John T.Vessey, Joanna K.
Mohn, Joshua R. Mann. ―Association of Virginity at Age 18
with Educational, Economic, Social, and Health Outcomes in
Middle Adulthood.” Adolescent & Family Health, a Journal
of the Institute for Youth Development, April 2005.

16
Bedell-Smith, Sally. ―Candid about Camelot‖. Usnews.com.
http://www.usnews.com/usnews/news/articles/040517/17smit
h.peo.htm (accessed June 13, 2006).
17
Evans, Rory. ―Men’s upgrade addiction.‖ Glamour, August
2005, pg. 108.
18
DePaulo, Lisa. ―Interview with Adriana Lima.‖ GQ. April
2006 pg. 192.
19
SIECUS Report, Volume 26, Number 1 -
October/November 1997.
20
Keller, Helen. thequotationspage.com.
http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Helen_Keller/
(accessed August 17, 2008).
21
Sherr,Lynn. ―When it Comes to Orgasm, Women Work
Harder.‖ abcnews.go.com.
http://abcnews.go.com/2020/Story?id=2497517&page=1
(accessed October 3, 2006).
22
Williams, Robin. askmen.com.
http://www.askmen.com/celebs/men/entertainment_
60/robin_williams/index.html (accessed August 6,
2008).
23
Conlon, Michael. ―Sexy media a siren call to promiscuity?‖
Yahoo Inc.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060403/hl_nm/sex_dc
(accessed April 4, 2006).
24
―Teen births continue to decline.‖ Worldnetdaily.com.
http://wnd.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=50259
(accessed May 19, 2006).
25
Herrmann, Andrew. ―Fewer teens looking for a date‖.
Chicago Sun-Times. http://www.suntimes.com. (accessed
May 19, 2006).

165
26
Ibid.
27
Ibid.
28
Alderman, Jesse H. ―Harvard Club Promotes Abstinence‖.
Boston.com.
http://www.boston.com/news/education/higher/articles/2007/0
3/22/harvard_club_promotes_abstinence/?rss_id=Boston.com
+%2F+News (accessed March 22, 2007).
29
Hall, Celia. ―More women have abortions as it loses
stigma‖.Telegraph.co.uk.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/1535347/More-
women-have-abortions-as-it-loses-stigma.html (accessed
November 28, 2006).
30
Wanbaugh, Michael. ―Parents warned of new sex trend-
study says more than half of all teens have had oral sex‖.
South Bend Tribune.
http://www.southbendtribune.com/apps/pbcs.dll/artifcle?Date2
0060402&Category=News0 (accessed April 4, 2006).
31
Couric, Katie. ―The 411: Teens and Sex a Katie Couric
Special‖ http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6872269/ (accessed
August 19, 2008).
32
Ibid.
33
Investopedia.com. A Forbes Digital Company.
http://www.investopedia.com/terms/l/lawofdiminishingutility.
asp (accessed August 19, 2008).
34
Weber, Dave. ―UCF women take it (mostly) off for feature
in May’s Playboy‖. Orlandosentinel.com.
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/new/local/orange/orl-
playboy2406oct24,0,2395175.story?coll=orl-home-headlines.
(accessed October 24, 2006).
35
Colin, Chris ―A Conversation with Hugh Hefner‖.
Salon.com.
http://www.salon.com/people/feature/1999/12/28/hefnercon/
(accessed August 19, 2008).
36
Ibid.
37
http://www.law.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/ftrials/conlaw/obs
cenity.htm (accessed August 19, 2008).
38
Stossel, John. ―Lookism: The Ugly Truth About Beauty‖
http://abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=123853&page=1
(accessed September 29, 2006).

166
39
Montagne, Renee. ―Hugh Hefner on a Life Less Ordinary‖
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=972800
8 (accessed August 20, 2008).
40
Ibid.
41
Ibid.
42
Ibid.
43
Ibid.
44
Ibid.
45
Lang, Derek J. ―Hugh Hefner opens up about Holly
Madison breakup‖ http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2008-
10-08-hefner-breakup_N.htm (accessed October 20, 2008).
46
Ibid.
47
Hugh Hefner profile.‖Hef: The legend wore silk pajamas‖.
CNN.
http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/people/shows/hefner/pro
file.html (accessed August 20, 2008).
48
Colin, Chris ―A Conversation with Hugh Hefner‖.
Salon.com.
http://www.salon.com/people/feature/1999/12/28/hefnercon/
(accessed August 19, 2008).
49
Ibid.
50
Sager, Mike. ―What I’ve Learned (Pamela Anderson
interview)‖. Esquire, January 2005 pg. 72.
51
Bio on Pamela Anderson.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000097/bio (accessed August
20, 2008).
52
Sager, Mike. ―What I’ve Learned (Pamela Anderson
interview)‖. Esquire, January 2005 pg. 72.
53
Bova, Dan. ―The Swede Life‖. Stuff magazine.
http://www.stuffmagazine.com/articles/index.aspx?id=862
(accessed August 20, 2008).
54
Hugh Hefner profile.‖Hef: The legend wore silk pajamas‖.
CNN.
http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/people/shows/hefner/pro
file.html (accessed August 20, 2008).

167
55
Jennings, Peter; Linda Hunt. The Century: America’s Time:
Episode 9 Happy Days. ABC News. 1998
56
Gross, Terry. Interview with Hugh Hefner aired December
5, 2003.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=153423
7 (accessed August 20, 2008).
57
Droze, Kim. ―Rev Up A Stalled Sex Life: 10 Tip‖.
Ediets.com.
http://www.ediets.com/news/printArticle.cfm?cid=1&cmi=13
54199 (accessed October 21, 2006).
58
Klam, Julie, ―What’s it like to live with Howard Stern.‖
Glamour April 2006 pg. 301.
59
Prager, Dennis. Happiness is a serious problem. New York.
HarperCollins Publishers, 1998.
60
Gandossy, Taylor. ―Gay adoption: A new take on the
American family‖. CNN.com.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/06/25/gay.adoption/index.html
(accessed June 27, 2007).
61
Ibid.
62
Wolff, Jennifer. ―What is a father? The genetic parent‖. The
Donor Sibling Registry.
http://donorsiblingregistry.com/whatisafather.pdf (accessed
August 21, 2008).
63
Nunan, Bill. ―My personal leap of faith.‖ Npr.org.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=910984
4 (accessed March 26, 2007).
64
Gajalin, Chris A. ―Are humans hard wired for faith?‖
Cnn.com.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/04/04/neurotheology/
(accessed August 21, 2008).
65
Taylor, Humphry. ―The Religious and other beliefs of
Americans in 2003‖. Harris Interactive.
http://www.harrisinteractive.com/harris_poll/index.asp?PID=3
59 (accessed August 21, 2008).
66
Kushner, Harold. Who Needs God. New York. Simon &
Schuster, 1989.
67
Ibid.
68
Kalb, Claudia. ―Faith & Healing.‖ Newsweek, November
10, 2003. Pg. 47.

168
69
Ibid.
70
Pelley, Scott. ―Tuesday’s Children.‖ CBSnews.com.
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/09/08/60minutes/main1
989753.shtml (accessed September 13, 2006).
71
Brinton, Henry. ―What will bring men back to church?‖ The
Washington Post, December 19, 2004.
72
Nash, Alanna. ―On her way‖. Readers Digest.
http://www.rd.com/your-america-inspiring-people-and-
stories/country-star-shania-twain/article27348.html (accessed
August 21, 2008).
73
Wilcox, Bradford W. ―Is Religion an Answer?‖
http://www.fatherhood.org/download_files.asp?DownloadID=
54 (accessed April 9, 2009).
74
Popenoe, David. ―The top ten divorce myths.‖
http://marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/pubtoptenmyths.htm
(accessed August 21, 2008).
75
Harley, Willard. ―Living together before marriage.‖
Marriage Builders.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5025_qa.html
(accessed August 21, 2008).
76
―The State of Our Unions 2004: The Social Health of
Marriage in America,‖ The National Marriage Project, June
2004.
http://marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/SOOU/TEXTSOOU2
004.htm (May 18, 2005).
77
Ibid

169